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Should I change my Tiffany e-ring???

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Haven

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If I were you I would take some time to myself to really consider what is going on in my life right now. You are engaged to a man who seems pretty darn wonderful. You are studying in a great school. You have a beautiful marriage and a successful career in your near future.

This business of worrying about the ring seems like utter nonsense if you allow yourself to *really* experience what''s going on in your life right now.

Enjoy this time. Do a bit of damage control with your fiance, and then really let yourself bask in the moment. You are letting what could be an utterly delightful and dreamy time in your life pass you by; you are trading in the moment for anxiety and hurt over 30 measly points in a diamond.

If you find after some time that you still don''t love the ring, and if it''s for reasons beyond trying to keep up with others, *then* consider a change. But give yourself some time to just *be* engaged. What a shame to spend your engagement agonizing over the ring rather than daydreaming about the man.
 

MakingTheGrade

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I go to a top 3 ivy league medical school, and while most of my classmates don't sport huge rings (we're mostly in debt and broke, with some old money here and there), a lot of the staff I work with (and the Wharton business school kids next door), definitely have some very large rings. Heh, and it's not even always the docs with the big rings, more often than not, it's a nurse who's married to a doctor who is sporting a 2+ ct diamond. And school aside, my cousins all have very large/fancy rings, I have the smallest in the family at .9ct, lol. Even grandma has me beat!

I wear my ring proudly even though it's small compared to some of my circles, because I LOVE that my fiance is a self-made man and didn't buy my ring with his family's money. We are both from humble roots, my mom used to work as a waitress and I used to bathe in a over sized cooler as a kid, lol. But I'm darn proud of that, because it means we must have done a lot right in our lives to be where we are now. You've accomplished so much to be where you are, engaged and in a great school, with a beautiful tiffany ring on your finger and a great guy on your arm :) You should just be happy and proud! I know I am, and mine's not even a Tiffany, lol. It's normal to compare yourself to other people, but it's unhealthy if it gets to the point where it causes you to put yourself down. I don't think a bigger ring would solve that problem, it's like they say, confidence comes from within!

And who's to say that the girls with the bigger diamonds aren't envious of you and your Tiffany? :) Enjoy being engaged!
 

Kaleigh

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Date: 4/16/2009 10:30:56 PM
Author: Haven
If I were you I would take some time to myself to really consider what is going on in my life right now. You are engaged to a man who seems pretty darn wonderful. You are studying in a great school. You have a beautiful marriage and a successful career in your near future.

This business of worrying about the ring seems like utter nonsense if you allow yourself to *really* experience what''s going on in your life right now.

Enjoy this time. Do a bit of damage control with your fiance, and then really let yourself bask in the moment. You are letting what could be an utterly delightful and dreamy time in your life pass you by; you are trading in the moment for anxiety and hurt over 30 measly points in a diamond.

If you find after some time that you still don''t love the ring, and if it''s for reasons beyond trying to keep up with others, *then* consider a change. But give yourself some time to just *be* engaged. What a shame to spend your engagement agonizing over the ring rather than daydreaming about the man.
+1
 

instantpig

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Date: 4/16/2009 9:13:33 PM
Author: Bliss
I can understand how you feel, but I also wanted to say that your ring is very very special and something to be very proud of. As for the ''game'' goes - once you start playing it, you''re automatically in a lose-lose situation because the point of the game is to never be sated or find peace. There''s always more. We were Ivy kids including biz school and let me tell you that it''s just not worth it! What an awful way to live this amazing life. The people who would judge you on an e-ring wouldn''t even stop there. They''d compare where you lived, what your parents did, how many feet your boat is, where you summer, what your husband does for a living -- it never ends.

I''d try to be as happy as I could with my man and see the amazing gift that you have on your finger. Of course it doesn''t ''measure up'' in outside worth - the treasures and values in life that are truly precious rarely have the flash that temporary things of little value do. A man who would buy his girl a Tiffany diamond? That''s rare and precious. Think of all the guys who go to mall stores and charge whatever is convenient right then and there. But your man went to the place little girls dream of and got your Tiff diamond! That''s special! Hey, later on when you have more you can buy a bigger RHR or stand-in.
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That is really beautifully put. I do see many of my friends who are never completely happy cause they''re always striving for something more. I thought I would never fall prey to that, but that''s easier said than done. It''s the great Catch-22 of those schools - those who are there got there because they were never quite satisfied with where they were... but the irony is that very characteristic can also make them never satisifed with life. I guess it is wise to really think about where exactly the end point/goal is.
 

LaraOnline

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Date: 4/16/2009 10:00:05 PM
Author: LostSapphire
Date: 4/16/2009 9:54:40 PM

Author: instantpig


DivaDiamond007 - I don't think you're being harsh. I might think this about some other person too, and I am at place of really disliking myself for crying over this when people have much bigger problems to deal with. It's just frightening bc I've never owned anything more than $6000 (my car) and I feel like this is a LIFETIME decision and my ONE chance at something that I'll love and treasure forever, and I had all these idealistic notions. I justified it (in my head) because it's not that I want him to spend more, but the money could be spent differently.


But maybe I just need someone to slap me around a bit.

No slapping around necessary!!!
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I hope it's just a bit of nerves happening....


I went back and read your FI's thread (what a guy!). And LOVE LOVE LOVE this post of his:





A little bit more about my girlfriend, whom I love more than anything in this world... She grew up without a lot of money and prior to ring shopping had never even walked into a Tiffany store because she knew she couldn't afford anything there. How perfect would it be for her to own a Tiffany ring and go into any Tiffany store she wants to get it cleaned? She would essentially be part of the exclusive 'club' that she grew up envying. I just hope I'll be able to afford all the other Tiffany stuff she'll eventually end up wanting!






OMG he's a KEEPER. How thoughtful is that? I'm tearing up at this part.


LS
OMG LS, what a quote! This guy really IS a keeper!!!

How weird of you though, to think that wearing a flashy ring is going to 'help you fit in'... all it's going to do is alienate some other poor girl who is desperate to match up! You sound like a kid in high school, desperate in impress the 'cool kids'!

I just don't get it. Perhaps it is because I am 'intrinsically cool'
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regardless of how other (disinterested, shallow, competitive, gate-keeper-type) people see me.

All you can do with your life is to live authentically.

When the 'mean girls' wash their makeup off at night, they are just as ordinary as you feel you are. Which is why they try so hard.

Effortless is cool. Try-hard is try-hard.
 

instantpig

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Date: 4/16/2009 10:24:31 PM
Author: niccia
If you really don''t like the ring or feel that it is not you, then change it. You have already told your fiance, so the damage is done. At this point, he may rather you have a ring you love, than the one he gave you that you are now debating whether you even want to keep.
I also think 1.4 is a very respectable size, and your fiance did spend a lot of money on it. I do understand how you feel to some extent, because I faced the same issues when I was in university. My parents never had a lot of money, so I always grew up wanting to be able to buy myself (and even moreso them) the things they could never afford. Now that I have some of them, however, I kind of wish I hadn''t spent so much money on them in the first place. They really don''t mean a lot to me now that the novelty has worn off. You might feel the same after a while. Having said that, if you are unhappy with what you see when you look down at your hand, change it. Just do it for the right reasons and not because of what anyone else thinks.
ETA: I also grew up dark and twisty lol so don''t feel too badly. He obviously loves you from the sounds of his thread.
Niccia, I spent a lot money buying my parents things they could not afford either. Even though I''m facing mountains of school debt, I don''t really regret it, and neither should you! They''re probably really proud of your success and appreciate what you''ve dome for them more than they can express. Congrats for knocking that chip off your shoulder. (me, still working on it).
 

LaraOnline

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Just so you don''t think I''m being unsympathetic, ip, I would like to say that it can be very hard ''to settle'' on the one ring.

Your brain has been building up the expectation, probably for years, so that it can be difficult to come to terms with the fact that THIS is the ring, the object (not the ever-changing dream fantasy) which you shall wear, day in, day out, for the rest of your life!!!

I think it''s kind of natural to flap around a bit, when you first get your ring, simply because of the enormity of the whole deal surrounding ''the ring''.
 

zhuzhu

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If I were you, I would rethink the priorities in my life. ie: Do I care more about how strangers think of my ring than how my future husband thinks of me?

If you have the need to feel "in the league", study your butt off to top all your classmates in grade and performance. This will demonstrate that you are superior to them in your profession, which is what counts in business world - not the size of your ring.

When you realize what is truly important and long lasting in life, your perspectives will change, and you will become a happy person, even if you have a ring that is 0.4 ct in diamond size.
 

niccia

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Instant, just to clarify, I don''t regret any of the money I have spent on my parents at all...they deserved it more than anyone I know. What I regret is spending so much money on things like cars/places/and jewellry *cough* lol....technically it was my fiance who spent the money on the jewellry (my ring) but I think of it as our money now, and even though I love my ring and it means a lot to me, I don''t know if I would allow him to do so again (I would also send him to one of the pricescope vendors which would have saved him a lot!). I just came to realize I was trying to live a lifestyle that all my friends had, and while it is fun sometimes, it is a lot of pressure to maintain that after awhile. I am just a lot better at putting my money in the bank now and being happy with what I have already.
 

instantpig

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Can I just say? There is a boatload of very accomplished, confident, and wise women on this board. Thanks for your therapeutic inputs. Now I feel I can breathe deeply and move forward with my life.

Time for "damage control." Best of luck to everyone.
 

LostSapphire

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Date: 4/16/2009 11:34:38 PM
Author: instantpig
Can I just say? There is a boatload of very accomplished, confident, and wise women on this board. Thanks for your therapeutic inputs. Now I feel I can breathe deeply and move forward with my life.

Time for ''damage control.'' Best of luck to everyone.
How about starting by posting a hand pic of your ring? Then you can brag to FI that you''re bragging on PS???

We''d LOVE to see it!

LS
 

LaraOnline

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You sound very sweet.
FYI, I''m not very accomplished. My entire annual income, after tax (and after conversion from US to Australian $$) s the same amount as your FI spent on your ring!
But it''s nice to talk to you anyway.
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aveda6

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IP, I just read through all of the posts and I''m a bit taken aback by your reaction. I understand that you feel you didn''t express that the Tiffany ring was what you wanted, but your FI thought it was and he bought a very well thought-out ring with a huge budget. I''m sure that part of his decision was the status that comes from saying it''s a Tiffany ring. I would be devastated if I were him and it would feel like all of this searching and thought was for nothing. I''m not advocating wearing a ring you don''t like, I just don''t fully buy the reason. That is a very large diamond and the fact that you want a bigger one is tough to accept. Perhaps my perceptions are just not inline with your experiences. I have met a few people in similar situations (friends in law school) that were unhappy with a 1 ct diamond as the minimum acceptable size was 2ct or you were considered white trash. I just laughed at the idiocy of that statement. The ring should at least have some sentiment and meet your design wishes...i hope you are able to work through it....
 

iluvcarats

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The real jewel isn''t on your finger, he''s on your arm
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Be happy!
Congrats on your engagement.
 

instantpig

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Date: 4/16/2009 11:38:00 PM
Author: LaraOnline
You sound very sweet.
FYI, I''m not very accomplished. My entire annual income, after tax (and after conversion from US to Australian $$) s the same amount as your FI spent on your ring!
But it''s nice to talk to you anyway.
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Heh, accomplishment may or may not have to do with money/education. My mother never graduated from high school and she is the most accomplished person I know bc of her wisdom. Being innately cool is no easy task.
 

LaraOnline

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Date: 4/16/2009 11:46:36 PM
Author: instantpig

Being innately cool is no easy task.

That is a great quote! It has me laughing at my desk! Perhaps you should adopt this line as your mantra when you face your classmates!
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summertime

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I think you have gotten some really great advice already, but I just wanted to make a suggestion - how about a nice, blingy eternity wedding band to up the "wow" factor of your solitaire? Easy way to get more sparkle without hurting your FI''s feelings.
 

Harriet

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Instantpig,

My hubby and I both come from modest backgrounds. When we got engaged, he used his signing bonus as a junior I-banker to buy me a 0.41 ct. Lucida. It''s the first Tiffany item I''ve ever owned. I attended a tippity top law school, which is next to an entirely respectable B-school, and I can assure you that I didn''t see many honkers. Don''t forget that JDs and MBAs are $$$.

Perhaps you''re just reacting to the shock of receiving such a valuable item. Anyway, congratulations!
 

2Artists

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How exciting that you are engaged. Relish this exciting heady time!
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It really is special.
I kinda had an opposite experience from your background. I would have been expected to have a fancy diamond ring and I don''t. But I did get a gem of a guy so who cares? What other people think is their problem not mine.

I actually talked with Mr.2Artists about your post (I read aloud from both yours and your FI''s)and he felt really sad for your guy because no man wants to feel like they let down and disappointed their lady. Especially when he went to so much effort and picked a ring ring with so much love.

We run with people from many circles and to me your ring sounds beautiful and classic and is a very very respectable and wearable size. Even uber wealthy ladies wear rings of all different sizes. You don''t know the backstory of everyone''s ring.

Also please don''t feel less than. Everyone is a human being plain and simple. A person''s background is luck of the draw, nothing to congratulate or berate yourself over. And FYI only a tacky artless person would look down or make fun of on someone else''s ring. Truly classy people treat everyone with respect. True class has nothing to do with money or the ring on your finger; it comes from within.

Rock your ring with confidence because uncertainty will attract sharks like blood in the water. And ummm your ring sounds seriously gorgeous. Pictures? I would love to fawn over it.

Also if he has happily and excitedly told his friends, sis, mom what have you about this ring it might cause potential problems with how they view you in the future if you demand a different one. Ones that could cause a lot more damage than the opinion of a random classmate. So tread lightly. Lastly the way your FI wrote about you was so sweet and loving that it brought tears to my eyes. Treat his feelings with care. He sounds like a real keeper.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-Eleanor Roosevelt, ''This Is My Story,'' 1937

Mrs.2Artists
 

bee*

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Date: 4/16/2009 10:30:56 PM
Author: Haven
If I were you I would take some time to myself to really consider what is going on in my life right now. You are engaged to a man who seems pretty darn wonderful. You are studying in a great school. You have a beautiful marriage and a successful career in your near future.

This business of worrying about the ring seems like utter nonsense if you allow yourself to *really* experience what''s going on in your life right now.

Enjoy this time. Do a bit of damage control with your fiance, and then really let yourself bask in the moment. You are letting what could be an utterly delightful and dreamy time in your life pass you by; you are trading in the moment for anxiety and hurt over 30 measly points in a diamond.

If you find after some time that you still don''t love the ring, and if it''s for reasons beyond trying to keep up with others, *then* consider a change. But give yourself some time to just *be* engaged. What a shame to spend your engagement agonizing over the ring rather than daydreaming about the man.
I totally agree with Haven. Just take time out for a while before you think of doing anything with the ring. I think that I 1.4 cts sounds amazing. If your Fi would be really hurt, then I would not change it just to try and keep up with others. Enjoy your engagement.
 

allycat0303

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In my profession, I see a lot of 30+ woman that are alone, and this is the reason why. As their career grows, so do their expectations, and then they wonder why they are alone. There is a beautiful sentiment behind your ring, something which should outweigh any of the insecurities you have. It is not only a sign that he loves you, and wants to get married, but it is his effort to give you something which you never had as a child. It goes beyond an engagement ring for me, it is a sign that he knows you, your past, where you come from and celebrates it.

I think when a man says he feels *inadequate* these are very alarming words. A man''s ego is something that should never be bruised. It is an integral part of his personality. It was actually in a MSN article called "Signs you shouldn''t get married (for men)" something like #3 "she starts complaining about her engagement ring" I think it''s different if the couple pick the ring together, but when a guy agonizes over a decision, then it''s different.

I know so many woman that are *successful* that would give up a lot to be wearing your ring. Or even a 0.15 carat solitaire from Kay''s. Really. No exaggeration.
 

Madam Bijoux

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Relax. The only numbers that the people in your school will be thinking about are their GPA''S. They aren''t going to care about anything else.
 

steph72276

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Ok, so there are a lot of issues to sort out here....and forgive me if you've already answered some of these questions, I just briefly read the other responses:

First off, is the ring still in the 30 day return window? If not, I think it is a moot point and you should just enjoy the ring and save for an upgrade for a significant anniversary like 5 or 10 years.

Second, if it IS still within the time frame, you have to ask yourself what it is about the ring you really don't like. Is it the size, the knife edge band, the shape? Maybe go to another jeweler and try on different rings so you can get a feel for the size/shape/setting you really LOVE. And I second the suggestion that you go try on some blingy eternity bands to go with it to see if it jazzes it up for you. Your fiance sounds like a great guy and if you truly don't like the ring, I'm sure he would want you to be happy with another one.

Third, you have to figure out if all of this just has to do with the other people at your school. Are there really that many people there going through school that are married/engaged with huge rocks? I wouldn't really think there would be that many that have reached that stage, but who knows? And you have to ask yourself why it bothers you so much that yours isn't the largest? 1.4 is a very nice size, especially for a student and especially for a couple that is going to start out with (in your words) mountains of school debt. So if looking better to your peers is the main motivation for changing the ring, you have to ask yourself if looking better to them is worth hurting your fiance's feelings?

Only you and your fiance can decide what's right...but you really need to do some more searching on why you don't like the ring. Hope all works out and keep us updated!
 

LaraOnline

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Date: 4/17/2009 5:55:54 AM
Author: allycat0303
A man''s ego is something that should never be bruised. It is an integral part of his personality.

Actually, I personally think a woman''s ego should (also?) never be bruised!!!
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''Specially not mine! I HATE feeling inadequate!
 

CNOS128

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Okay! I haven''t read all the responses, but I did skim some of them. I think if you want a bigger diamond, that''s one issue. But having a bigger diamond isn''t going to help you fit in at an East Coast, Ivy League, Top3 business school. It''s just not! It might make you feel more confident, but it''s highly unlikely that anyone will (a) respect you more because you have a big rock or (b) lose respect for you because your ring is too small (which it isn''t). And I guess the next question is, would you really want to associate with people who shunned you for your 1.4ct ring?

I also know plenty of people who came from modest means and went on to attend top tier business/law/medical schools and fit in perfectly well - some who did a great job of emulating east-coast-ivy-educated-people-from-money, and some who put on suits like everyone else but remained proud of their humble roots. (If what you''re worried about is fitting in I actually think your money might be better spent on some gorgeous, well-tailored suits and sensible Manolo Blahnik pumps, because those will be much more visible than your ring. And some nice business-casual type stuff for classes.)

And I just read the link about your fiance trying to decide between what he bought and a 1.76ct diamond -- the .3ct isn''t going to make any difference at all in terms of how other people view you. Especially if people are as wealthy as you''re expecting them to be, their rings will still be bigger. I used to work with a lot of women who "came from money," and they had 3 carat family heirloom diamonds.


That said, I do have a 1.75 carat ring, and I love it! But I''m surrounded by people with gigantic stones. I told my fiance that "when we''re rich," I''d like a huge diamond. I think he laughed at me. But I get it -- I want what the other kids have, and it makes me feel like a 3-year-old. (But it''s not going to change how they perceive me). It''s definitely not worth damaging your most important relationship over this.
 

Bia

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I doubt people really care what size your ring is now, or if you decide to change it to a 2.5ct in the future. At best you'll get some, "Wow, that's a big diamond!" but are you telling me that no one has complimented your ring? 1.4cts is a perfect size, and not many people wear something bigger than that. My gosh, I know I tried to point my FI in the right direction when it came to my ring, but had he decided to get me a Tiffany ring (1.41cts no less) I would have been very happy.

Now, if your ring is uncomfortable, or just not 'you' then I think you need to be a little more sensitive in your approach (with FI). He put a lot of thought (and don't get it twisted, A LOT of money!) into that ring you're wearing, so cut him some slack.

I don't know that you're spoiled, because you're just being honest in admitting that you want what you want, but because you're basing it off of what your business school people think, it makes your reasoning sound a bit shallow. Trust me, no one cares. The truth is, I bet a vast majority of people in your school are insecure in some way, shape or form. Money, or not.
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ETA: As you can see, I just skimmed the first page of responses. I'm glad you're beginning to see what's really there. And let me just say, your FI sounds like a wonderful person...someone who loves you very, very much. You snagged a good one baby!
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DivaDiamond007

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Date: 4/16/2009 9:59:53 PM
Author: instantpig
My post is meant to go to this thread....



Date: 4/16/2009 9:16:08 PM
Author: DivaDiamond007
You said you can handle it so I''m going to say it: you''re a spoiled brat.
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I am not usually so harsh to anybody but give me a break! A 20K budget is hardly something to sneeze at; and neither is an authentic Tiffany.

If I were him I''d feel rejected and inadequate too.

There are a lot of people that don''t get any ring so why can''t you be happy with what you have? Why do you feel the need to ''keep up with the Joneses''?

I see it like this - there''s always going to be somebody with something bigger/better/more expensive so why bother worrying about it. I am sure that your ring is beautiful and it sounds like your FI put a lot of thought into it.

I am sorry that you are having second thoughts, but maybe you should keep it for a while, think about what''s really important to you and then decide what to do.

DivaDiamond007 - I don''t think you''re being harsh. I might think this about some other person too, and I am at place of really disliking myself for crying over this when people have much bigger problems to deal with. It''s just frightening bc I''ve never owned anything more than $6000 (my car) and I feel like this is a LIFETIME decision and my ONE chance at something that I''ll love and treasure forever, and I had all these idealistic notions. I justified it (in my head) because it''s not that I want him to spend more, but the money could be spent differently.



I am glad that you were not offended by my post. I know how you feel though - DH and I don''t really have anything of value (maybe my car) and my ring is from the mall. After finding PS I totally went through a period of feeling desperate for a "better" ring and diamond. I got over myself and realized that I
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my setting and don''t want to change it - at least not right now (funds do not permit). Maybe sometime in the future we''ll talk about it again.....

Sure, the money could have been spent differently but that''s water under the bridge now. If the setting is the real problem then maybe your FI would agree to change that. Good luck - and you should head over to SMTR and post pics
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hawaiianorangetree

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I think that the thought and effort your Fi put into purchasing your engagement ring is worth so much more than the ring itself...
It doesn''t matter how big it is (yours is pretty big anyway!).

Think about what you will tell your grandkids in 50 years time...

''your grandfather took me to Tiffanys to try on rings and he saw my eyes light up.."

or

''I traded the one your grandfather gave me in for a bigger one because i wanted to impress some girls who were never going to talk to me anyway...''


I hope that you make it up to him big time, you sound like you caught the greatest man on earth and i am not sure that you deserve him (sorry)
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luvthemstrawberries

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Instant, you''ve gotten SO much good advice - EVERY SINGLE THING I would have said has already been said on here. It seems like your perspective has shifted, based on what you said a few posts back... so that''s good.

There are a few quotes here I really thought were awesome and that you could keep in mind...

- "We''ve learned to not worry about things and just roll with it. If you don''t worry so much about fitting in, you''ll find that you fit in much better than you think." (elrohwen) SO true!!

- "A 20K budget is hardly something to sneeze at; and neither is an authentic Tiffany." (DivaDiamond) I''ve never had anything Tiffany and probably never will. You have something with very high quality and workmanship there - and SO well-known for it too! I don''t know ANYBODY that would scoff at anything Tiffany. I certainly wouldn''t, and anybody that does just doesn''t know how to appreciate anything.

- "Being innately cool is no easy task." (you!) I totally agree with Lara - this should be your mantra!!
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- I can''t find the quote I''m looking for, but the one about GPAs... you''re obviously VERY smart just to be in the school period, so go apply yourself and be a top-notch student, and get people''s respect with your brains and accomplishments, not with jewelry and possessions. I know I''d definitely give that a lot more real credit than some bling.

- Focus only on what you like for your ring, not others'' opinions. Others'' opinions will NEVER matter in the end. Especially haughty, fake people who can only feel good about themselves by looking down on others. Ignore them. Wear the ring for a while, and like Haven said, ENJOY this time!! Based on your FI''s previous thread, he put a lot of love and thought into this ring, and the choice he made was based on the 2 rings you narrowed it down to - this one, and the other slightly bigger one. If this ring truly isn''t your style after you''ve attempted to get used to it, then possibly try to retrofit the situation. I totally understand what you mean that it''s hard to gauge your "style" when just trying things on, and it''s possible for people to chose the wrong style for them. Hey, it happens sometimes.

Bottom Line... you''ve got a GREAT guy, an awesome school, a beautiful (frankly, a very LARGE, compared to the average) diamond ring, and you sound very sweet yourself. You just sound conflicted (but not "dark and twisty"
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), and kudos to you for being honest. It sounds like you''re coming around, and like you want to treat your guy the best you possibly can. I hope you two are very happy!!
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Congratulations!
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(And post pictures too pleeeeease!
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)
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
I''m glad you''ve come around.
 
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