Should I Cancel Our Dream Wedding (Part 2)

[brendaman]

So, after the dramatic weekend saga in which my FBIL once again mistreats me, FI told his parents last night that FBIL can no longer be Best Man. In fact, FI will not be having a Best Man or Groomsmen. FI''s parents then proceeds to rehash the weekend saga, twisting things and goes so far to tell FI that I have been acting like a bridezilla

. WTF?!! Once again, we''re in the wrong, and they''ve defended their nasty son. FI should really have confronted his brother, but instead, FI decided to tell his parents rather tell his brother directly that he is no longer BM, because FI does not want to have to deal with his brother''s nastiness and "toxic" personality.

FI''s parents told FI that his brother would probably not be in the wedding and that they were not sure they would be at the wedding either. Double

?! They would rather hurt the son who has done nothing wrong in order to stand with or be supportive of the nasty son?? FI says that he can''t see getting married if his parents are not there and that we should just elope.

I know many of you agree that we should elope and be done with the drama. But after the elopement, we would still have to return to the drama. Time would past. Then, when another holiday or b-day comes around, DH and I would go to his parent''s house and ignore what had transpired . . . that is, until BIL decides to be nasty again. This is how it''s been for the past 10 years. Eloping is not necessarily the answer; it would avoid the drama, but our wedding would be a sad occassion for both of us, just knowing the reason why.

FI thinks that I should go over his parents house to tell them my side of the story, without FBIL there, of course (FI is on a business trip for the next 2 weeks). Maybe hearing from someone else would shame my FILs into stopping the cycle. I''ve told FI that it really is not my place to talk to his parents, but he''s just so hurt and frustrated about the whole situation. He has trouble expressing himself to his parents, and he thinks that I woudl be better at it and thinks that his parents would listen to me more than they would listen to him. I just cry at the thought of my FI feeling that his parents won''t listen to him. It''s really not my place to tell his parents that their son feels that both his brother and parents do not respect him enough to trust his choice of a wife and partner and to treat her with respect, but what other choice do we have left? I know FI will not make a stand and bar his family from his life, and he shouldn''t have to because his brother mistreats me and calls me racists names. I have lessened my time with FI''s family, and FBIL still continues to mistreat me. Sometimes during family gatherings, I don''t say anything for fear that FBIL would again imagine I said something the wrong way.

We''re planning a wedding for March 2010. Isn''t it time to air out the dirty laundry? And yes, we may stil end up eloping. Just so long as we don''t continue to live in fear.

So, I have this Friday off. I''m to call FIL Thursday afternoon to ask if I could come over for lunch on Friday (I''m planning to bring them lunch as a peace offering). FI thinks that they wouldn''t refuse my visit, but I should be prepared for it. I should also be prepared for them to kick me out of the house. I must remember not to make it too personal and tell them what I think of their miserable, nasty son. I will remember to tell them that no matter what FBIL does, I''m here to stay, so if his objective in being nasty to me is to have me leave FI, then he has failed and will continue to fail.

What would you do? What would you say to FILs?

 

[sctsbride09]

Wow.

Ok, to address your question first, if they were my in laws, I would go over there with my DH and talk to them together. Him talking to them doesnt seem to work, and I doubt talking to them alone will work either. Im not even saying it would work doing it together, however, you will have the peace of mind that you MADE THE EFFORT with your in laws and thats all you can do. Depending on how the conversation goes, you will both see where you stand. Yes they are your in laws, but you are not married to them nor is he. They need to realize that you both will do what is best for your new family. If they choose to be a positive part of it, great! But life is to short for nastiness, especially between family.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Wow. Just wow.

Personally, I think you should just elope...before you sink tons of money into a wedding that might not turn out the way you''d like (FI''s parents not showing up).

As far as FBIL...

. He sounds like a loser.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Date: 5/12/2009 10:45:05 AM
Author:brendaman

FI''s parents told FI that his brother would probably not be in the wedding and that they were not sure they would be at the wedding either. Double

?! They would rather hurt the son who has done nothing wrong in order to stand with or be supportive of the nasty son??

No, they''re feeling anxiety about the comfortable status quo being upset, and they''d rather employ the technique of hypothesizing future embarrassments with their "good son" to get your fiance''s anxiety levels *so high* that he changes his mind and the old, comfortable family dynamic they know comes back.

Darlin'', it''s so common that it''s a stereotype. I know you''ve been studying, but have you never heard of "Jewish Guilt"?

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn''t elope, I''d go through with the wedding that you want. I''d do my best to be respectful, calm, friendly, and unflappable with your in-laws... and be your charming, nice self as you hold your ground. And for what it''s worth, my personal philosophy is that your FI needs to be the one saying the words to them, not you. He''s freaking out because they''re pushing the "anxiety buttons" they installed in him decades ago. Because believe it or not, it''s less about you, but more about their family system and 5-decade-long family dynamic changing-- and that means the issue is more with their son differentiating and having separate desires, rather than the current topic of who stands where for five minutes during a wedding.

 

[PearlDahhhling]

I''m so sorry you have to deal with all of this nastiness at a time when you''re supposed to be having the time of your life planning your wedding! I''m sure it''s awfully stressful! *big hugs*

But I really do think that it''s time to let all of this go. These people have been acting the same way for ten years and there is probably nothing you can do or say to get them to change. I think going over there to talk to his parents would be a waste of time. When people are set in their ways (no matter how strange and wrong their ways may be) they tend to want things to stay that way and are resistant to change.

Personally, I think too many people get caught up in the "But they''re my FAMILY" mindset and it''s hard to see through that. Sure, they''re family, but if they''re not nice people, then why have them in your life? You shouldn''t keep trying to get these people to see that they''re wrong, because they probably won''t. And you don''t deserve to be mistreated every time you see these people. You don''t HAVE to attend family functions if you know it''s going to turn into a negative and hurtful situation. You and your FI are becoming your own family.

I think that if you two still want to have a nice, small wedding, you could go somewhere and only take the people with you who are supportive of this marriage and who are loving towards both of you. You don''t need ANY negativity on your wedding day, and if his family is going to be negative and cause drama no matter what, then they really don''t deserve to be at your wedding. You don''t have to "elope" with just the two of you, but rather have a small wedding of 20 people or so, those who are closest to you and are the most supportive and positive.

Good luck sweetie!

 

[tropiqalkiwi]

Date: 5/12/2009 12:23:23 PM
Author: fleur-de-lis

Date: 5/12/2009 10:45:05 AM

Author:brendaman


FI''s parents told FI that his brother would probably not be in the wedding and that they were not sure they would be at the wedding either. Double

?! They would rather hurt the son who has done nothing wrong in order to stand with or be supportive of the nasty son??

No, they''re feeling anxiety about the comfortable status quo being upset, and they''d rather employ the technique of hypothesizing future embarrassments with their ''good son'' to get your fiance''s anxiety levels *so high* that he changes his mind and the old, comfortable family dynamic they know comes back.


Darlin'', it''s so common that it''s a stereotype. I know you''ve been studying, but have you never heard of ''Jewish Guilt''?

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn''t elope, I''d go through with the wedding that you want. I''d do my best to be respectful, calm, friendly, and unflappable with your in-laws... and be your charming, nice self as you hold your ground. And for what it''s worth, my personal philosophy is that your FI needs to be the one saying the words to them, not you. He''s freaking out because they''re pushing the ''anxiety buttons'' they installed in him decades ago. Because believe it or not, it''s less about you, but more about their family system and 5-decade-long family dynamic changing-- and that means the issue is more with their son differentiating and having separate desires, rather than the current topic of who stands where for five minutes during a wedding.

I have been keeping up with your saga and would tend to agree with this analysis. The whole issue seems to have wayyyy deeper roots than the wedding or even you. I''m sorry you are becoming the catalyst for you FI to be separating himself from his family to become his own, obviously this is not fun for either of you.

Even with all the drama from them, my opinion is to have the wedding YOU want. Go ahead with plans, invite all your friends and family, go dress shopping etc. Enjoy the process! My guess is that while the FIL''s threaten to not go to the wedding, they would attend in actuality - and if they don''t it truly is their loss to not be at their sons wedding.

Despite this though, I think bringing over lunch is a great idea! I would avoid an all out confrontation, just keep it about you wanting to straighten out what was said. Maybe some one on one time with his parents would help them feel more comfortable with you and get to know you better. Treat it as a nice afternoon lunch instead of a mine field and maybe they will follow your lead and get the point that this situation does not require war.

Good Luck!

 

[Lilac]

I''m so sorry you have to deal with all of this! Personally, I don''t think you should go over to your future in-laws by yourself, especially if there''s the chance they might kick you out of their house. I think it''s a good idea for them to hear this from you, but I think you should go over WITH your FI.

 

[allycat0303]

Brendaman,

I read both of your threats and I really feel for you. Having been through endless (and I mean ENDLESS drama with my family) I feel like I can give you advice. You are right about 1 thing, this is YOUR life. Even if you elope, the same issue will be there when you get back. All you've really done was denied yourself a wedding the way YOU WANT. Case in point, my sister upsruped my wedding date and was married on the DAY I was supposed to be. Divorced before the ink is dry. Now she'd my MOH and is the drama endless this year? Yes. She picked the dress. We changed the color-scheme, then she yelled at me because the alterations were 50$. The dress cost $250 total. She spends 3000$ a month on clothes. AND she has already worn the BM dress to another occasion (not really a waste of money.) And consistent snarky comments that I'm selfish.The point is: 1 year later, it's still the same issues. Nothing changed, except I realized that it's not worth the battle. Some people NEVER change and you either accept that they will always be selfish/self centererd and totally poopy, or you cut them out of your life.

Do NOT elope, because that's NOT what you want! Sometimes, you let things stagnate there and they fix themselves, or you just learn to deal with them better (a.k.a you don't really care anymore) these things become a temporary annoyance "Yeah that's annoying" and you put it behind you. I don't think anything will change the status quo, sometimes parents get really fixated on things and side with one sibling regardless of all reason, logic or even compassion. And trying to change their mind is such a waste of time and energy. As for FBIL. Smile and nod. Be polite. Don't even think about the slights because they just build up and make you angry, and you become fixated. You can't make him act like a decent human being. You can only decide how much it will bother you.

Good luck! Hugs!

 

[meresal]

I'm so sorry to hear about this.

However, you and your FI are a team, you should be talking with his parents and his brother as a TEAM. Your wedding isn't planned until Mar 2010, there is no reason that you need to go alone in the next two weeks. I have a very strong feeling that it is going to leave you VERY hurt, and then what... you have no one to go home to that is on your side. That sounds like the worst siutation possible.

Please wait till your FI gets home and then set up a time where you ALL sit down together, and talk about EVERYTHING that has been said. There is NO reason for his brother to be racist, and if his parents know that and still protect the brother, why exactly is your FI still wanting them at the wedding and even in your lives? There is a point where you have to choose, and it sounds like his family is coming very close.

 

[chiquitapet]

So sorry you`re going through this. My suggestions:

1. Try to talk to your future parents in law with your FI. Don''t go alone. It probably won''t work and change anything anyway, as they have behaved in the same way for 10 years, but at least you can say you tried.

2. Elope or have a small wedding with only closest people that actually care about you and your FI. We had a small wedding with our closest 27 family/friends. It was very romantic and intimate. Wedding is a happy occasion, and even if you`re saddened by the fact his parents are not there, it`ll still be a much happier situation than with them and the nasty pathetic loser future brother-in-law present (sorry, I lost it there for a second...).

 

[Elmorton]

Again, DO NOT go over to your in-law''s house alone. That is TOTALLY out of line and inappropriate for your FI to suggest it, and it''s setting you up to be the bad DIL (obviously - they''ve already called you a bridezilla - this ain''t gonna go well!).

I usually don''t do this, but I''m going to be blunt: your FI needs to man up.

As for the second part - I believe I remember from your other post that your parents ARE supportive? Honestly, I think it makes sense to have the wedding, and your FI''s parents will do what they do (show up or not). That''s their choice. You shouldn''t elope (if you don''t want to) just because your inlaws/FBIL are a mess.

 

[bee*]

I really don''t think that you should go over by yourself either. I think that if you want to go over, you should do it with your FI. I agree with the others though in that you should definitely have the wedding that you want. If they don''t show up, it''s their loss.

 

[doodle]

Um...yeah...so, if I were in your position, I''d be furious first and foremost with my FI for allowing his family to treat me like that, then pass the buck onto you to smooth it over because he''s a fifty something year old man who is still afraid to be a big boy and stand up to mommy and daddy! For that matter, his brother is also a grown man--why all this running to the parents and tattling to get things fixed? Your FI needs to sit down and talk to his brother--the parents shouldn''t even be in the middle of it. If he loves and respects you, he should demand that the people who are a part of his life give you respect, too. You are who he has chosen and vice versa. He needs to be in your corner, grow a spine, and tell his family to kiss his asphalt.

With that said, I know it''s an ugly situation, and I hope my bluntness hasn''t offended you. I wish you both all the best, and I hope your wedding is everything you always dreamed it would be!

 

[Mediterranean]

FBIL called you a Wh*re and NO ONE stood up for you


FBIL called you a Wh*re and NO ONE stood up for you


oh, and did I mention that you posted that


FBIL called you a wh*re and NO ONE stood up for you?



I really think that your FI has good intentions, and is trying in his own (ineffective, sadly enough) way to keep this from blowing into a feud.


Bottom line. This is HIS family, HIS parents, HIS brother.....while it''s unfortunate that they''re unpleasant to deal with, FI is the one who has to gut up and tell them what the bottom line is, once and for all. Your future In-Laws'' behavior shows that they do not respect you. WHY ON EARTH should you be forced to go into the lion''s den all alone, without your FI to defend you, while he gets to be miles and miles away from the conflict when it all goes down?

Unfair.

I would think that, if you are getting married in 2010, it is best to get this out of the way. Remove the BIL from the bridal party, invite the family when the time for invitations rolls around, and between now and then, hopefully they will come around.

If they don''t come around? ELOPE! But at least you have a small cushion of time to see if this improves at all.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 5/12/2009 2:54:06 PM
Author: doodle
Um...yeah...so, if I were in your position, I''d be furious first and foremost with my FI for allowing his family to treat me like that, then pass the buck onto you to smooth it over because he''s a fifty something year old man who is still afraid to be a big boy and stand up to mommy and daddy! For that matter, his brother is also a grown man--why all this running to the parents and tattling to get things fixed? Your FI needs to sit down and talk to his brother--the parents shouldn''t even be in the middle of it. If he loves and respects you, he should demand that the people who are a part of his life give you respect, too. You are who he has chosen and vice versa. He needs to be in your corner, grow a spine, and tell his family to kiss his asphalt.

With that said, I know it''s an ugly situation, and I hope my bluntness hasn''t offended you. I wish you both all the best, and I hope your wedding is everything you always dreamed it would be!

Ditto every single word. I can''t believe your fiance allows his family to treat you this way.

 

[honey22]

Ditto - your fiance should be going with you to talk to his parents! You shouldn''t have to go alone.

If your inlaws havn''t changed in the past 10 years, they are not going to magically change just because you are getting married now. Plan the wedding of YOUR dreams and don''t worry what they want or like. When it comes down to it, if they are not there, it''s their loss. It really sounds like you would have a better, more relaxed time without them there.

Hope you can sort this out, keep us updated!