Should I cancel our dream wedding? (Longish)

[brendaman]

We''re in the middle of booking our dream venue, and I found a fabulouis wedding planner and am ready to hire her. Then my FBIL shows again his jerky side.

It''s Mother''s Day, and he comes over to tell my FI (we live together) that he''s purchased a Mother''s Day gift and card and would FI sign it. This has been a sore point for me. I''ve purchased presents in the past for FI''s parents and never asked FBIL to contribute, but I''ve always asked FBIL to sign the card, and when presenting the present to my FILs, I say it is from ALL of us. When FI asks his brother if I could sign the card, FBIL says, "No", and tells him some lame reason like I didn''t ask how he was feeling the other day (I did!). I''ve bent over backwards to do nice things, and I just can''t win. I do understand that all I can expect for FBIL to be is civil to me.

FI''s parents try to excuse FBIL''s behavior by saying, he''s unhappy at work; he''s tired of commuting an hour each way to work; blah, blah, blah! I commute an hour each way to work, but I''m never mean and take it out on other people. It''s really tough to be nice to FBIL. Some years ago, he and FI got into a fight, because FBIL called me a "Filipino whore", because FBIL doesn''t believe that a woman should live with a guy before marriage. Thank god I was not there. Somehow, we got over that, and I was the first one to talk FI into forgiving his brother by saying, "blood is blood", and "you only have one brother". I''ve tried to ininvolve FILs'' and FBIL into the wedding planning, and they were genuinely excited at our plans. I''m paying for the entire wedding as FI''s business is not doing very well. I''''m treating everyione to staying a few nights at the posh hotel where we''re having our wedding. I''m happy to do it. FI''s parents are in their mid-80s; my parents are in their late 70s. FI has survived cancer. We''ve survived serveral illnesses in the family. I want this to be a happy occassion, as it may be the last time we get the extended family together.

FI is so anxious about the wedding, because FBIL is the best man (FI says he kind of had to have his brother as best man as his family would not get over it). We''ve asked FI''s best friend to be a groomsman (he should really be the best man) and to help calm FI down as we''re afraid FBIL will be his negative self, complaining about something. FI is also anxious about his family meeting my family. First, I should say my family LOVES FI! They ask how FI is doing before they ask how I am donig. They see in FI all the things I see. The same can''t be said for FI''s family. I thought FI''s Mom has really turned around and has begun to like me as we''ve spent many hours going to bridal showcases (the very expensive ones, because I want her to have the nice experience). But at every turn that FBIL attacks me, FMIL finds some way to agree with her son or defent him. FI is so anxious about his "judgemental" parents and brother meeting my parents.

FI has always said we should elope, and at first he wanted his parents to be there. I had to explain to him that it would really not be an elopement if we invite his parents and shouldn''t we invite mine as well? When FI''s mother found out how much I may be spending on the wedding (still mad at FI for telling his family this), FI''s mother gave her blessing for us to elope. I had said that I wanted this special wedding day to get our family together as we''ve been through so much. FI and I have been together 10 years, and we''ve lived together for six. To be happy, I know I will always have to be the one to swallow my pride and turn the other cheek. I wll have to do it now if I want to have the small wedding (less than 100 people) of our dreams. I''m just tired of being hurt and crying. I''ve shared my woes with my sister, and she''s even said that she doesn''t know how she could talk to FI''s family knowing what they have done to me and continue to do. Should we just elope and avoid future dramas? Should I cancel our dream wedding? A part of me thinks it would be best for many reasons (avoid drama, save money, etc.). Another part of me thinks it would be like letting FI''s family win. What would you do???

 

[bee*]

I think I sat looking like this

while reading your post. Firstly, that''s awful that your FBIL has treated you like that for so long and his parents really shouldn''t stick up for him and make excuses. If you do decide to have the wedding with all of them invited I really don''t know if he should be best man as surely the best man is meant to support the couple. I think that it probably would be easier eloping, but is that what you want? Although I don''t think that you would be letting them win by eloping-sure they''ll win if you have the wedding with them invited-they''re getting a few nights in a beautiful venue without having to pay. Do whichever is less stressful for you and your FI.

 

[JerseyGrl81]

It doesn''t sound to me like you want to elope. It also doesn''t sound like the wedding you have planned is your dream wedding. Maybe you can make some changes to the wedding you are currently planning to make it better for you! You seem like such a sweet person, caring about everyone needs. Sit back and think about what will really make YOU happy!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Sorry to hear about your troubles. I totally understand the whole compromising and turning-the-other cheek thing, but every now and then, when it's really important to you, it's ok (and healthy) to put your needs first.

This wedding is about you and your fiance starting a life together, and you should start out that life the way you think best If you're dream is a small intimate wedding, then go for it. There may be drama, but you can't please everyone, and if you and your FI are happy, then your family should be able to be happy for you too, even if it takes them a little time.

I would set aside an evening and talk to your fiance about what the two of you want and don't want for the wedding, and take it from there. You may have to encourage the fiance to be a bit firmer with his family about being respectful, but it sounds like his mother really does love her sons and I think she would come around for his sake if nothing else.

In the end of the day, you two need to be happy Whether that means sharing the day with a happy family, or just sharing it with each other.

 

[AnitaT]

Oh sweetie,
It is clear from your post that you are a kind, caring and generous person. I wish things were going more smoothly for you right now. Time and time again, you have turned the other cheek and been forgiving in order to preserve harmony and give others the benefit of the doubt. Take some time right now to think about what you would like to do, what is important to you and go from there.

If I may be honest, there is a part of me that sort of wants you to go bridezilla right now!

 

[Mediterranean]

....You could smash up some Valium and mix it into FBIL''s breakfast on the wedding day?

Ugh! I''m so sorry your FBIL is such an immature, bitter, miserable individual.

The only thing I can possibly think of that would have even a ghost of a chance of helping this situation is if your FI stops trying to excuse his brother''s inappropriate behavior/comments, and starts defending you. I''m not saying he has to get into a nasty, divisive family feud, but he needs to tell his brother that the way he speaks about you s unacceptable, that the man is crossing a very important boundary, and that insults and epithets and vulgarities will not be tolerated.

Then, FI needs to make his actions match his words. If the FBIL starts in with the insults and epithets and racial remarks, FI needs to turn his back and walk away, and not come back until the family guarantees this will not happen anymore.

It seems like this FBIL has been indulged in his behavior by the family. They aren''t doing him any favors. I can''t IMAGINE how this guy gets by in the real world when things like "Filipina WH**e" come out of his mouth? I mean, really? I have never used that word in my life, except if I''m cracking sarcastic jokes about some over-the-top celebrity doofus who probably wants that kind of publicity anyway, or cracking on some crazy clothing!

But to use that word for a real person, who is in one''s life? Appalling. I thought it only happened in soap operas and reality-TV shows.

It''s unacceptable, and your FI is the key to making it STOP, once and for all.

 

[4ever]

I''d have the wedding I wanted and not let FBIL or FIs family ruin everything.

Some parents are just blind to who their children have become as they see what they want, which is usually their little boy or girl. There''s not much you can do about your FBIL (although, dispite causing some issues, I would never have allowed him to be best man)or FMIL. I say do what you can to have the wedding you and your fiance want and try and ignore all the drama.

I have a sister that sounds alot like your FBIL, very negitive, self centered and meanspirited, I feel sorry for FF for having to deal with her. There''s no way I''d ruin our day by letting her be involved in the wedding beyond observer.

Are you SURE his family would not get over him not being best man? It dosn''t seem worth the stress to me.

 

[Dannielle]

Date: 5/11/2009 1:39:11 AM
Author: 4ever
I''d have the wedding I wanted and not let FBIL or FIs family ruin everything.

Some parents are just blind to who their children have become as they see what they want, which is usually their little boy or girl. There''s not much you can do about your FBIL (although, dispite causing some issues, I would never have allowed him to be best man)or FMIL. I say do what you can to have the wedding you and your fiance want and try and ignore all the drama.

I have a sister that sounds alot like your FBIL, very negitive, self centered and meanspirited, I feel sorry for FF for having to deal with her. There''s no way I''d ruin our day by letting her be involved in the wedding beyond observer.

Are you SURE his family would not get over him not being best man? It dosn''t seem worth the stress to me.

I agree, this day is about you and your FI- do what you want and ignore the drama.
You get this day once in your life, dont let anyone ruin it for you

 

[sctsbride09]

Oh Brendaman, first of all how awful is your future BIL. He''s lucky you even talk to him, let alone is getting a free trip out of your wedding. It sounds to me like this guy could care less (even marrying his brother) about including you in the family, so why should you be concerned with him or his feelings. If you and your FI dont want him as best man, he shouldnt be. Especially after some of the things that have transpired. I mean come on, mothers day and he wont let you sign the card, what is he 5? Sorry, it just irks me when future in laws go out of their way to exclude people, its not needed. That being said, I agree with bee when she said his parents wouldnt be "winning" if you eloped. My DH and I eloped ( issues w family) and do not regret it. We are able to look back on our day with fond memories of US, not his family fighting. So I think you should take a *deep* breath, and think about what you want out of your wedding day and the memories. Whatever you decide, do NOT let his brother ruin it for you! This is supposed to be a beautiful day about you and your husband. Best of luck to you.

 

[tlh]

I dont really have any advice.. I just wanted to extend to you some hugs. This is a difficult situation, one that involves a lot of careful thought and consideration.

Some people are only happy when others are just as miserable as they are... and also, just because someone shares family genetics, does not mean that they have they best intentions for their relatives. Just think about what matters most to both you and your FI and let that guide your decision. Huge hugs!

 

[Lilac]

I''m so sorry you''re going through this - it''s so hard when you try and be nice to someone and they treat you badly in return.

I don''t think you should cancel your dream wedding. If you wanted to elope that''s one thing, but it sounds like you don''t really want to. I think you should continue to plan the wedding of YOUR and your FI''s dreams because if you cancel that because of someone else you might end up regretting it. I think you need to sit down and talk to your FI about what will make the two of you the happiest, and then you should do that regardless if it will cause more drama. The most important thing is that the two of you are happy with YOUR choice - everyone else will just have to deal with it!

 

[Elmorton]

Hmm, this isn''t fun at all.

FI''s bro is toxic, and that likely won''t change. Parents aren''t a help. You want to do something special for your family; at the same time, you want to have a special day that isn''t invaded by toxic family members.

What about having two events? Invite just a handful of people (if that - maybe like your BFF and FI''s should-be BM?) and "elope" in a special ceremony and reception.

Then, later (a few days, a week, etc) have the family event (maybe even repeat your vows). Should the BIL be a supreme jerk, it would put a damper on the party, (which would be frustrating from a financial standpoint, I suppose) but it wouldn''t mar your actual nuptials - you''d stil have a romantic day in which you and your FI honored your love and comittment.

Could that be a feasible solution?

 

[purrfectpear]

If your parents are in their late 70''s and his in their 80''s, I''m guessing you and FI are in your late 40''s or so?

I''d cancel the wedding, and have a wonderful intimate destination wedding with just my parents and his (if they want to come) at some terrific place to vacation. It will be far more relaxed, probably cheaper and hopefully have a lot less drama.

 

[lucyandroger]

Brendaman, I''m so sorry you''re going through this! You seem like such a sweet, generous person.

If I were you, I would do a lovely destination wedding that incorporates as much as you can from your dream wedding except the additional in-laws/drama. I certainly would not want your FBIL standing up there when he has been so hostile towards you.

Maybe if you let us know what your dream wedding would be like, we can come up with ideas to incorporate that into a DW.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Hypothetical question: If your in-laws were pleasant-enough yet kinda dull people, and your future BIL was a somewhat dull yet non-offensive guy instead of the *charmer* that he is (cough cough), what would your first-choice wedding to that fiance of yours look like? Location? Guest count? Decor/environment/dress style/details?

 

[brendaman]

Thanks everyone for you support and kind words. After reading your comments, I must admit I feel like a long-suffering, battered spouse, who has begun to see the abusive relationship she''s been in through someone else''s eyes. How in the world did I let it go so long?! Even *I* was an enabler and excused FBIL''s behavior for the sake of peace with FI''s family. I''m an independent woman with a great job and a loving FI. Both of FI abnd I need to stronger people. We may not be able to control how FBIL is, but we can choose not to be around his negativity and "toxic" personality.

I''ve already told FI that there is no way that FBIL to be the "Best Man" at our wedding. He can choose to be a well-behaved "observer", or he can choose not to attend. FI thinks I should speak with his mother alone. Everytime FI tries to talk to his Mom about his brother, FMIL says she does not have time to discuss it or provides some excuse about FBIL''s behavior. In the past, FI didn''t want me to talk to his Mom about it, even if I say that I think I''ve grown closer to his Mom over the years. However, I honestly don''t know how she would react. Would she defend her son''s behavior as usual? Would she feel as if she was being attacked, judged for how she''s raised her son?

About my dream wedding. I am converting to Judaism as my FI is Jewish (I''m Filipina, and our wedding will be a Fewish wedding). Yes, just like that character in Sex & the City, FI will only marry someone who is Jewish. It has taken many years for me to want to convert to Judaism, and now, I welcome it and am proud of the work I''ve done to go through the conversion process. I want my Jewish wedding in front of my family and friends. FI and I want our elderly parents, who have faced a number of illnesses, to share our special day. I''m in my mid-40s, and FI is in his early 50s. It will be our first marriage. We had thought about doiing a Destination Wedding, but after much thought, we decided to do it at our favorite hotel. It will be an evening of great food, music and dancing.

 

[Elmorton]

Date: 5/11/2009 6:31:08 PM
Author: brendaman

I''ve already told FI that there is no way that FBIL to be the ''Best Man'' at our wedding. He can choose to be a well-behaved ''observer'', or he can choose not to attend. FI thinks I should speak with his mother alone. Everytime FI tries to talk to his Mom about his brother, FMIL says she does not have time to discuss it or provides some excuse about FBIL''s behavior. In the past, FI didn''t want me to talk to his Mom about it, even if I say that I think I''ve grown closer to his Mom over the years. However, I honestly don''t know how she would react. Would she defend her son''s behavior as usual? Would she feel as if she was being attacked, judged for how she''s raised her son?

ABSOLUTELY NO. Your FI needs to talk to his mother. That is NOT your job (or even your place), it''s his. And, because this is affecting his future wife/family, he needs to make sure his mother listen (and no, age doesn''t matter here - it''s a good thing for parents to hear that their child''s marriage comes first and foremost, and that abuse of that marriage won''t be tolerated).

 

[swimmer]

Mazel Tov on your conversion! So so sorry that BIL is being such a putz!
Yes, you deserve the wedding of your dreams and it is awesome that you can afford it and that everyone is alive to see the blessed day. Can you and your FI speak together with your future MIL? Him doing the talking of course, you just there to support him? Nondiscussables are so hard when the elephant in the room is a person. You can understand her shame and discomfort in discussing him...wouldn''t you be mortified if one of your grown children was trying to work their wedding around one of your other children? That said, Momma is probably not able to reign in one of her offspring that she has yet to previously get to behave. My hope would be that when your FI makes it clear that BIL is not BM that he will either skulk silently or not attend. Your (post-wedding) DH might regret it a smidge that his bro wasn''t there, but has his brother ever REALLY been there for him?

Hugs to you!

 

[meresal]

wrong thread...