shocking.

[frenchfries]

I post here a lot, but this is so disturbing that I am using another name.

OK, I have had problems with my FMIL. I always knew that she was a little off her rocker-very possessive, really babies her sons. I was always a little weirded out by the way that she tickles/scratches my fiance, "walks in" with towels while he is showering, (no locks on either of her sons bedrooms or bathrooms even though they built the house and every other bedroom has them), she walks in dressing rooms with her boys, still buys my fiance his boxer shorts (a new pair is always laying on the bed when we come to visit), she has my fiance lay on her stomach to watch tv (she has huge breasts and they inevitably droop in his face), and about a year ago he had bad bugbites on his upper thigh, and she insisted on applying bug cream herself.

all of that is weird, but I thought-whatever, families are weird.

This past weekend, I learned that she wiped my fiance''s younger brother after he used the restroom until he was 10-12. I discussed it with my fiance and it never happened to him, thank goodness.

All I can think about is the future and how I will never be able to let our children be alone with her. I was disgusted and totally infuriated when I found out.

Oh, and this is another bit...Her husband works out of town, has during their entire marriage, and a family lives next door with 5 kids. All really adorable young boys and girls. She hates the girls and has the boys over, individually, for spend the night parties with her. Thinking about that after learning about the wiping makes me ill.

I just needed to vent.

 

[Winslet]

Whew, my stomach is turning just reading about this! Sorry I don't have any real advice, except to live FAR AWAY once you guys have kids!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Ugh, clearly this isn''t right.

Did your FI confess anything being "off" during his childhood? Would he? Perhaps he isn''t comfortable going there...

I think it is of paramount importance that you''re no silent about it. Sometimes the suspicion of events just that, suspicion...but sometimes it''s something more...

Would you be comfortable (anonymously) calling the police to voice your fears...putting the ball in someone else''s court? I know this probably would put you in an uncomfortable position, FMIL vs. The Cops...but if you really, really think something could be going on, it would be almost criminal not to speak up. And the fact that you''re fearing for your unborn children already lets me know that you, in your heart of hearts, believe that something dangerous and against the law could be going on behind closed doors. At least if you bring in a third party you wouldn''t be left wrestling the "unknown" and the mountain of "what if".

I really, really encourage you to be proactive about this information...maybe it will all be benign and harmless, nothing more than an over-doting mother...but just the stomach churning alternative would be enough to put me into hyperdrive and I''d want..no, I''d NEED...to know.

 

[bobbin]

What does your FI think of her behaviour? I would be very very concerned if he did not realise that it was not normal. I think that is the first thing you need to do - talk to your FI and make sure he realises that this is not healthy for children (or adults) and that your children will NOT be treated this way. If he can''t realise this, I would also be concerned about how he will behave with your children, not just your FMIL.

If you have him on side, it will be easier to stick up to your FMIL. I think that setting boundaries will be easier this way.

You may need to get him to talk to her about her behaviour once you have children and set boundaries with her - ie our children need to have their privacy, we do not feel comfortable with you walking in on them in the bathroom, tickling them etc (whatever is appropriate for their age level).

If you think it is something more sinister like Italia has suggested, then it is trickier. Maybe you do need to talk to someone about it. Perhaps Social services to see what they think of her behaviour? Or maybe the neighbours (whose children are going over there). It would be very difficult to walk the line between keeping the peace in your family (especially if it does turn out to be innocent) and protecting these children if something is happening.

 

[cindygenit]

frenchfries, your post made me ill.... the wiping thing is absolutely disgusting. Who does that?

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 10/26/2009 9:18:44 PM
Author: bobbin

What does your FI think of her behaviour? I would be very very concerned if he did not realise that it was not normal. I think that is the first thing you need to do - talk to your FI and make sure he realises that this is not healthy for children (or adults) and that your children will NOT be treated this way. If he can''t realise this, I would also be concerned about how he will behave with your children, not just your FMIL.

If you have him on side, it will be easier to stick up to your FMIL. I think that setting boundaries will be easier this way.

You may need to get him to talk to her about her behaviour once you have children and set boundaries with her - ie our children need to have their privacy, we do not feel comfortable with you walking in on them in the bathroom, tickling them etc (whatever is appropriate for their age level).

If you think it is something more sinister like Italia has suggested, then it is trickier. Maybe you do need to talk to someone about it. Perhaps Social services to see what they think of her behaviour? Or maybe the neighbours (whose children are going over there). It would be very difficult to walk the line between keeping the peace in your family (especially if it does turn out to be innocent) and protecting these children if something is happening.

This behavior is wrong. I''d be concerned too.

Bobbin is exactly right. What does your FI think about this? Does he think it is normal for kids to be treated this way? Does he approve?
I''d be worried about your future kids. Not just with FMIL, but with FI.


What to do about it is tough. If you talk to FI first and then have to report stuff (without FI''s support) he would suspect it was you who "caused the problem".

It doesn''t sound innocent. A grandmother-like woman having a bunch of neighborhood kids over and serving cookies and stuff so the parents can go out is one thing. A woman allowing only one at a time and ONLY BOYS has something wrong.


Is there someone who knows her that you could talk with? Someone who may have been around her more and have an explanation for her behavior?

 

[Ara Ann]

I second the idea of reporting her, anonymously, if you even think for a minute that she is doing something to the neighbor boys...but I also have to ask, what the heck are their parents thinking, allowing their sons to sleep over with a grown woman?! WHY do parents make their young children available to potential abusers? Ya know? BUT, yes, if your gut tells you something weird is going on, please follow through on that...even if you don''t tell anyone you were the one that did it! The sooner the better!


My older brother had a friend whose mother was WEIRD and an exhibitionist...she''d walk naked through the house in front of her teen sons...and would wear see through robes if they had friends over. My brother was about 17 when he witnessed that and he was totally embarrassed for himself and his friend. She wasn''t ''touching'' them, but it was highly inappropriate and these days, a woman who acted like that could go to jail. It''s one thing to be ''open'' with your own kids, but it crosses a line when other people''s children are involved and affected.

I hope you do more than rant about this and actually follow through for those boys.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I couldn''t stop thinking about this and wanted to point out another key caveat to the whole thing...

Boys or men who suffer "sexual abuse"--and I''d consider being wiped by ones mother into the teenage years abusive--are far less likely to speak up and seek help. Pride coupled with embarrassment is a dangerous equation. Boys are made to feel emasculated and weak by their predators--those feelings are manipulated to keep them quiet while the abuse continues and escalates. This may be a huge reason why this is "news to you"...I''m willing to wager that your FBIL isn''t the only one to be subjected to this treatment. I''m sure it''s a shameful secret.

I can understand wanting to discuss it further with your FI, as the other posters have pointed out, however everyone needs to remember this his mother--he''s going to love and defend her, it''s as natural as a knee jerk. Even if he can admit to the oddness of the entire situation, that doesn''t mean he''s going to take a proactive stance on the issue at all. For him it''s not subjective, it''s family--and that''s different.

I would definitely contact a social services agency...maybe not the cops right away as I first suggested. Speak with a social worker who will listen to your fears and concerns and be able to make some suggestions. I''m sure if I were faced with this, it would be a battle of wills...not wanting to upset my future family vs. what is potentially right. If you''re religious, perhaps you could even consult a spiritual advisor first. In the end, it''s got to boil down to whatever will let you sleep at night...

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 10/26/2009 8:34:50 PM
Author:frenchfries
I post here a lot, but this is so disturbing that I am using another name.

OK, I have had problems with my FMIL. I always knew that she was a little off her rocker-very possessive, really babies her sons. I was always a little weirded out by the way that she tickles/scratches my fiance, ''walks in'' with towels while he is showering, (no locks on either of her sons bedrooms or bathrooms even though they built the house and every other bedroom has them), she walks in dressing rooms with her boys, still buys my fiance his boxer shorts (a new pair is always laying on the bed when we come to visit), she has my fiance lay on her stomach to watch tv (she has huge breasts and they inevitably droop in his face), and about a year ago he had bad bugbites on his upper thigh, and she insisted on applying bug cream herself.

all of that is weird, but I thought-whatever, families are weird.

This past weekend, I learned that she wiped my fiance''s younger brother after he used the restroom until he was 10-12. I discussed it with my fiance and it never happened to him, thank goodness.

All I can think about is the future and how I will never be able to let our children be alone with her. I was disgusted and totally infuriated when I found out.

Oh, and this is another bit...Her husband works out of town, has during their entire marriage, and a family lives next door with 5 kids. All really adorable young boys and girls. She hates the girls and has the boys over, individually, for spend the night parties with her. Thinking about that after learning about the wiping makes me ill.

I just needed to vent.

Is this still going on? I''m sorry, but I would have serious reservations about marrying a man in this situation.

Ditto everything Italia said, too. Wow, what a terrible situation.

 

[cleokizzy]

gross. how could a supposedly grown woman do such a thing? it''s definitely suspicious and something that needs to be looked into specially if your gut is making you think about your future children.

i totally agree with every word that italia suggests

 

[Miya03]

OMG, I feel so sick for you! How awful! She sounds seriously ill.

I agree with the other ladies--you really need to talk with your FI about this. Because you will never feel comfortable with having her near your kids. It is obviously a very delicate situation--if you are wrong (not that I believe that you are...because I''m sure your concerns are completely founded) or if there isn''t "evidence" to show that you are right, you risk seriously damaging your relationship with your FI. Even if you are right, it could still damage your relationship.

However, you can''t risk the safety of your children by having them around this woman. I think you are really in between a rock and a hard place, and I wish you the best of luck in figuring all of this out!

 

[MagsyMay]

Wow, that is far from normal as far as I am concerned. I agree, a conversation or discussion with a professional might be in order. I can entirely see how your FI might become defensive or protective of her, but I can''t see avoiding this forever. It might be easy to brush this under the rug now, as FI is a grown man, you don''t have any young children to be concerned about, and so on. But, if you ignore this now and never have the discussion, inevitably it will come up when you have children. What happens when Grammy wants to babysit, or watch the children if you were to go away for the weekend, etc? If you try to hide your feelings/suspicions, inevitably it will come out sooner or later when those types of situations arise.

Good luck and {{HUGS}} for having to deal with such a sensitive situation!

 

[meresal]

Yes, there is something wrong with the mom, nothing wrong with the boxers IMO, and you cant change the wiping issue... but the sleep overs only wth the youngers boys and the complete lack of respect for her son''s personal space is over board.

Also, just to address the fact that your FI is a grown man, why would he allow his mom to apply bug cream to his upper thigh??? (Unless both of his arms were out of commission and you were no where to be found.) He obviously doesn''t find anything wrong with it, which speaks to LOTS of problems after you have children.

Just my .02

 

[Girlrocks]

Date: 10/26/2009 8:34:50 PM
Author:frenchfries
I post here a lot, but this is so disturbing that I am using another name.

OK, I have had problems with my FMIL. I always knew that she was a little off her rocker-very possessive, really babies her sons. I was always a little weirded out by the way that she tickles/scratches my fiance, ''walks in'' with towels while he is showering, (no locks on either of her sons bedrooms or bathrooms even though they built the house and every other bedroom has them), she walks in dressing rooms with her boys, still buys my fiance his boxer shorts (a new pair is always laying on the bed when we come to visit), she has my fiance lay on her stomach to watch tv (she has huge breasts and they inevitably droop in his face), and about a year ago he had bad bugbites on his upper thigh, and she insisted on applying bug cream herself.

all of that is weird, but I thought-whatever, families are weird.

This past weekend, I learned that she wiped my fiance''s younger brother after he used the restroom until he was 10-12. I discussed it with my fiance and it never happened to him, thank goodness.

All I can think about is the future and how I will never be able to let our children be alone with her. I was disgusted and totally infuriated when I found out.

Oh, and this is another bit...Her husband works out of town, has during their entire marriage, and a family lives next door with 5 kids. All really adorable young boys and girls. She hates the girls and has the boys over, individually, for spend the night parties with her. Thinking about that after learning about the wiping makes me ill.

I just needed to vent.

The wiping is bad, but this is the STRANGEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD!!! Does this still go on????

 

[CNOS128]

Oh, geez. That''s frightening - for you and your fiance and the neighbors'' kids. That goes way beyond your typical lack of boundaries. But I''m not sure how much you can really talk to your fiance about it without making him feel defensive -- it''s his mother, after all. Which is not to say that you shouldn''t talk to him, it''s just that it might not be well-received. I really wish I had some good advice for you. If I were in your position I might consult with a therapist or counselor or someone in the mental health profession, because I wouldn''t want to deal with it on my own.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 10/26/2009 10:28:33 PM
Author: meresal
Yes, there is something wrong with the mom, nothing wrong with the boxers IMO, and you cant change the wiping issue... but the sleep overs only wth the youngers boys and the complete lack of respect for her son''s personal space is over board.

Also, just to address the fact that your FI is a grown man, why would he allow his mom to apply bug cream to his upper thigh??? (Unless both of his arms were out of commission and you were no where to be found.) He obviously doesn''t find anything wrong with it, which speaks to LOTS of problems after you have children.

Just my .02

Ditto to this.

The boxer shorts are border line. They don''t really mean much other than she wants to take care of him.
But the rest.....

I''m concerned about your FI''s thoughts/feelings about all of this. Maybe he sees nothing wrong with it. Maybe he''s just afraid to stand up to his mother. Either way, that is NOT good for any kids you may have.


You are in such an awful position. I can''t even imagine what you must be feeling.

 

[hamburger]

FrenchFries,
I am in a very similar situation as you.. post a lot but wanted to make a fake id to respond as i'm always afraid that if I speak about this... my fiance's mother might find out...

So I am the hamburger to your frenchfries in this case. and i'm going to vent along with you if that's ok. Maybe we can help each other

Sorry this vent is so random and "all over the place". My english prof would shoot me if she saw this!

anyway..

My FMIL still buys my fiance's boxers. we've been together for a few years and in the first year, she didn't... but lately (in the last 3 years or so)... every holiday, birthday, and shopping trip she presents him with new boxers. Being in the same situation as you, I understand that the boxers are not harmless at all. They may be if they came from a "normal" mom.. but clearly not our FMIL's. i feel like it's some sort of way for her to control our private life.. as if to say "just remember when you're pulling your tricks on my son, who picked out those boxers he's wearing". Underwear is NOT the same thing as a tshirt. If my mom bought me bras, i can guarantee that it would make FI uncomfortable. He has told her SEVERAL times to stop, but FI's bday is coming up and I doubt it'll be any different than last years gift.

My fiance and his younger half sisters (who are now 7 and 12) were/are home schooled. My fiance grew up with a lot of friends but his younger sisters are very different and sheltered.
They don't understand "normal relationships" and when we first started dating, FI and I weren't allowed to hold hands or even sit too close in front of his mother and stepfather.
his sisters were 3ish and 7 when we started dating... and when the younger one turned 4 i noticed they both started wearing bras.. "training" bras. Weird enough. But they would always put balloons or balls in their shirts to make themselves look "developed". Fiance would tell me that they would fallow him around with these fake breasts and sit down next to him and stare from him to their breasts (as if to see his reaction). I ended up finding out that the start of this was his mother telling these little girls that the only reason Fiance was interested in spending more time with me than with them is because of my breasts. Now the 12 year old wears a padded bra. Trust me.. these girls are EXTREMELY petite like their mother and probably won't need to wear a bra until they are 14/15 ish.

So FMIL has always told them how wrong it was that fiance and i were together (not even sexually.. just dating) because he should be closer to them than me. They took that to mean that they were supposed to be his girlfriends... as they were never taught the difference between a sister/brother relationship and a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship.

both girls have constantly had crushes on Fiance's friends... keep in mind that they are over 10 years a part.. The oldest would talk about "having sex" with fiances friends

(she would tell her mother of the dreams she was having about them)... even though I doubt she understood it. One thing I do know is that AT LEAST up until a year ago, his mother and sisters were still taking showers together. It may even be going on now.. I'm not sure how many times their father "walked in" while their mother was showering in front of the girls and I think this totally affected their thought patterns regarding "intimacy". When they go to public places (restaurants or friends houses), the girls and their mother go to the restroom together.. I'm pretty sure that they have been in the room when "something" was going on between their parents (you know how most parents stop having sex when they baby in the room is a certain age? maybe they went a lil past that? idk)...

Like your fiance's parents house, his door was the only one without a lock.. and if he would walk from the bathroom after his shower to his room next door, the girls would be there to say something about it. (he was generally in a towel but started wearing shorts as it got more frequent).His mother and the girls will barge in at any time they want and it DROVE US CRAZY.
Meanwhile, i'm his FIANCE and i'm not allowed in his room.. EVEN with the door open unless his sister was there to chaperon us. even tho they lived in a small ranch and it's basically two steps away from the family room.

More crazyness...
my FMIL tries to kiss him on the lips when we leave her house. I HATE IT and so does he. He turns his head as quickly as possible to avoid it. She hasn't "gotten him" in awhile but it's so rediculous.

His mothers mother is the same way. The first time I ever met her, fiance and I were sitting on the sofa and she came in the house... walked over to him and sat in his lap. she then threw her arms around him and gave him a kiss than gave me a face like this

. She now calls him and says "You know I love you so much more than Mrs. Hamburger.. why don't you ever come to visit me?" and things like that.

She (and his sisters) also try to tickle him every chance they get and his mother is constantly trying to touch his butt.. mostly a spank here or there but still highly inappropriate in my opinion. If my father went around smacking my a$$, you better believe people would look at us funny.

Any time my FMIL has a headache, she goes to my fiance to give her a "message"... not her husband because he doesn't "do it right". Even if it's just her head and shoulders it still makes me very uncomfortable to see the "faces" she makes while he does it. They aren't necessarily any more "relaxed" than someone would make while getting a message, but it is still way too "intense" for her to be making while getting a message from her son. And the best part, if I had a headache, there's NO WAY she would allow him to message me.

Luckily, my fiance HATES her behavior and thinks it's wrong as well. He will try in any way he can to get her to stop the touching, underwear buying, and invasion of privacy that he can... but she's insane... and thinks he's just doing to to please me. (even tho he yells at her for it when i'm not around as well). She guilt's him alot.. ('I have SUCH a bad headache and it won't go away unless you massage my head'.. or 'you better spend time with your sisters.. you don't know how much time they have left

) and has even told him (and other people) that the only reason he's "leaving her" for me is because I control him "with my body".

Fiance and I are very conservative. We are respectful of others when it comes to pda and we waited over a year to have sex (not that we talk about that with anyone)... but his mother would talk to her friends and relatives (in the very beginning even) and tell them that we were having sex and that's why he was with me and that it just wasn't "right".

Something about these women is clearly off. Is there some sort of mental illness that this could be considered?
I don't understand the possessiveness and hunger for control but sadly, it doesn't seem like there is any way to stop it.
It's so hard every day to think about what his sisters have been taught.. i want to call the police but I couldn't break up a family that way.

Does your fiance still lay on your FMIL's stomach? I would totally put an end to that..

What do we do about this?

 

[hihowareyou]

Please don''t forget that FI may be a victim or if it isn''t that serious not maybe don''t realise that this kind of mother-son relationship isn''t common or considered normal. Those things are not his fault as it his mother who has mistreated him and/or deprived him of a conventional mother-son relationship. If he has been abused and by this mother the situation may be so much more complicated, I can''t even begin to image the control a sexually abusive mother could hold over her son

When you have children parenting classes may be a good idea for FI and make sure you both discuss and come to agreements about what is and isn''t appropriate with your children.


I honestly don''t know what I would do in your situation about the FMIL and your suspicions about other children. Seeking advice from social services seems like a good idea. I believe that we all have a responsibility to stand up for children who may be being abused.

 

[loriken214]

My late grandfather used to sit me on his lap and lick my ears....I was very young and had no idea if this was right or wrong. He was blind and I thought maybe it was his way of seeing what I looked like. He tried to do this to my older cousins and they told me about it and how it grossed them out....only then, did I realize that it was abuse.

I didn''t tell anyone until I was an adult. When I did tell my mom, it was her father, she was totally shocked and at first thought it was innocent. After she thought about it, she realized that it WAS abuse and said she would have killed him if she had known about it then.

Abuse can be subtle or obvious, but it is still ABUSE!

I find all of this behavior strange and hope that you think about things before you marry! Something may seem NORMAL to one person, when it is painfully obvious that it is WRONG to another.

Thank you for letting me vent.....I''ll be thinking about you and wish you all the best!

Lori

 

[frenchfries]

thank you ladies. i am about to go to work but wanted you to know that i read all of your responses. i''ll be back tonight. i really appreciate it.

 

[princessplease]

Oh my gosh ladies, I am SO incredibly sorry you are going through this. Sexual abuse does not have to be just touching privates, and honestly, these situations sounds like abuse. I can''t believe what hamburger''s FMIL lets her daughters do!

I have no other advice then this: Ladies, I would do WHATEVER I could to stop these instances from happening, especially before you get married and have children with FH. I am utterly disgusted that these women do that to their grown sons who are engaged.

 

[purselover]

Oh Frenchfries and Hamburger I''m so sorry you''re experiencing this. I really don''t know what to say except to ditto talking to some type of counselor/social worker. ***HUGE HUGS***

 

[tyty333]

I second princessplease comments...I''m so sorry you are having to deal with this.


Comments in no logical order...

The boxers...I would donate them to goodwill. Get them out of the house. The guys need to tell their moms
to stop buying them (but it probably wont stop their moms).

Frenchfries can you send an anonymous letter to the neighbors? I wouldnt accuse her of anything but maybe
just say something about it not being a healthy situation over there and you question what may be going on
during these spleepovers.

Both you guys are right about keeping your future kids away from these women. Before kids I would make
sure that your husbands understood and agreed on what a normal parent/child relationship is. Keep an
eye out for anything that you would consider not normal and discuss it with your DHs.

I think I would actually spend as little time as I could get away with around these ladies.

{{{Big Hugs}}}

 

[dragonfly411]

I think IF there were no other circumstances like the ones above, the boxers wouldn''t be an issue. SO''s mom buys him boxers (packages of them) and socks all the time (I think she realizes with him working outside he needs as many of both as he can get b/c he has to be able to have clean clothes without us doing laundry every two days). BUT

I''m sorry you ladies are dealing with these strange women. I hope you can figure it all out.

 

[decodelighted]

Yick! There is a lot of crazy grossness in the world. I feel for you ladies. And your fellas ... geez: horrible! Anyway - I fear they might not realize how *odd* this is because they''ve grown up with it and been heavily influenced by their Crazy Moms. Pre-marital counseling or individual therapy would help shed some light on how WRONG their moms'' behaviors are and help them start standing up for themselves more aggressively.

Re: future children. Ooooof. That''s a toughie. I don''t think I''d EVER want to leave kids unattended around them - and would have to brace for all the drama that stand is going to create.

Not sure even how to broach the possibility that abuse is going on with neighbor kids or younger siblings. Very sad, troubling situation that unfortunately you don''t have much if any control over. I''ll leave it to folks more expert than myself to advise in that area.

 

[TravelingGal]

OK, not to make light of this thread, but I laughed out loud when I saw that "hamburger" had logged on to commiserate with "french fries."

I am not aware of any cultures where this might be considered normal, so suffice to say, I''m still scratching my head over this one.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 10/27/2009 12:33:00 PM
Author: TravelingGal
OK, not to make light of this thread, but I laughed out loud when I saw that ''hamburger'' had logged on to commiserate with ''french fries.''

''onion rings''? ''hot dog''? we know you''re out there ... don''t be shy ...

 

[tlh]

Date: 10/26/2009 10:28:33 PM
Author: meresal
Yes, there is something wrong with the mom, nothing wrong with the boxers IMO, and you cant change the wiping issue... but the sleep overs only wth the youngers boys and the complete lack of respect for her son''s personal space is over board.

Also, just to address the fact that your FI is a grown man, why would he allow his mom to apply bug cream to his upper thigh??? (Unless both of his arms were out of commission and you were no where to be found.) He obviously doesn''t find anything wrong with it, which speaks to LOTS of problems after you have children.

Just my .02

I agree. boxer shorts aren''t a big deal, unless she wants him to try them on in front of her...

But the laying on her lap business - and the sleepovers... sounds like a party at neverland ranch. Not saying anything NASTY is going on -- but I wouldn''t want my kids there. I agree it is bizzare. Hamburger and French Fries - I am seriously grossed out, and feel bad for you both... more Frenchfries, because it sounds like your FI doesn''t quite get that her behavior is questionable and innappropriate.

The wiping the butt thing until 10-12 is disturbing. Reminds me of those 10 yr old breast fed babies- YIK! I just think if your 10-12 year old has skiddies.. they have skiddies - have them do their own laundry - and then if they have skiddies - well it is a reason to buy them underwear constantly.

It is disturbing, and borderline perverse --- especially the lap thing. That is so wrong I don''t even know what to say... i think I threw up a little.......

 

[Amzizzle]

First off I was to say hugs hugs and more hugs to hamburger and french fries and I''m sorry you have to deal with these crazies.


I do want to add though that when I first went up to meet my FF parents at there house I was actually shocked because it was the

most disgusting house I''ve ever been in,I mean there were dogs peeing on pieces of furniture and no one cared,along with cobwebs

hanging from the ceilings,with things covered in dog hair and piles and piles of what I assume to be clutter everywhere.I asked

my FF why with a mother that doesn''t work is no one cleaning the house ever,and that it was disgusting.(side note my FF is a

neat freak so I totally did not expect this). I asked him why his brother and sisters never said anything,and he said well when

mom was "sick" (she was a alcoholic with some mental problems) that it was so much worse,and they were just happy there parents

were getting along and finally healthy. Ok so that was a lot longer then I thought it would be,but the point is sometimes people

in families do see it,but there afraid to change anything because they don''t want to "mess things up". My FF knows it''s wrong

and awful,but still doesn''t say anything. So maybe it''s the case in these families when there use to be other problems,and now

just don''t want to admit there still are.

I wish the best for the two of you,and hope one way or another the situations change.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

I''m sorry both of you ladies are going through this... But Hamburger, I''m glad to see that your FI realizes this behavior is not appropriate. I hope he continues to stand up to his MIL. French Fries: Do you have any worries that once you try to discuss this with FI he wont see the problems? I guess my greatest fear (if I was in your place) would be that FI is not forthcoming about past abuse because he saw your disgust and horror after learning about his little brother. Even if he has a sense deep down that what his mom is doing is wrong, she''s clearly a manipulative woman and "wins" him over (as evidenced by the head-on-lap thing)

Whether these are cases of whacked out MILs who know no boundaries or truly perverted, abusive women- it seems certain that they need and want control over every aspect of their son''s lives & seem to dislike the fiance/wife influence. Deciding to have a baby in this environment could be an absolute horror and potentially unsafe. It''s so, so, so important for your fiances to understand 100% that you do not tolerate the MILs actions & that they are NOT NORMAL. You need to attack these MILs as a team, or there''s no chance you''ll be able to keep space between them and your future children.