gwendolyn
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Aug 4, 2007
- Messages
- 6,770
Hello, all. I feel the urge to share what’s been happening with you because, other than the people I work with who have caught me crying a few times (and James, of course), I haven’t told a soul.
About nine months ago, J and I had planned to do our ideal wedding in the UK by keeping it small, having it done in a registry office and then taking the guests and ourselves out for a nice meal at a restaurant. However, J’s mom really wanted J’s aunts & uncles there and offered us a compromise where she would host the reception at her house and do all the food (with the help of J’s sisters) so that we could have the people she wanted but without adding to our costs. I was very reluctant to do this, knowing that it would add lots of stress and that J didn’t care if his aunts & uncles came, but everyone (including J) reassured me that it would be great because J’s mom loves to host parties. So, we agreed to it. I liked the idea of a reception held at someone’s home, and the big benefit was that it would’ve given us a huge amount of flexibility in terms of what date our wedding is—-something we still do not know because we are waiting to get the papers that say I (as a foreigner) am allowed to marry a British citizen.
Last Saturday, about a week and a half ago, J’s mom calls us up to say that she’s been looking at venues again and that she’s going to book somewhere for us and that she’ll “let me know what she decides.” She bulldozed my end of the conversation so I couldn’t get her to explain what she was talking about, so we had to call her back to ask her what she meant. She told us she could still host the reception, but that having it at a venue would be so much better and that they’d pay. Even when pressed and when we said, “Look, it’s ok if you don’t want to host it anymore, but if so you need to tell us so we can make other arrangements.” But she insisted she could but then kept going on about these fancy venues to rent (that probably aren’t even available now). Later it turns out that J’s mom has told his sisters that there’s no way she’s hosting it anymore-—she doesn’t have room (because I want to invite my parents and a few friends, which she previously said was ok), the house is having work done, and wouldn’t it be so much nicer for everyone if it was at a venue? She said she wants to make the UK wedding bigger and fancier because J’s sisters can’t come to the US anymore. She also said that I should think about what my parents want for my wedding, which according to her (who’s never spoken to either of my parents or so much as sent them a card, letter or email) is huge and fancy, just like what she wants! In truth, my parents are coming to the UK simply to share our day with us. My mother told me at one point that she didn’t care if we got married inside a closet; she wasn’t going to miss my wedding for the world.
Here’s where things go sour. She then decided that she’s forevermore in charge of our wedding (no big shock there because she’s turned into a bit of a control freak) and started telling us that we must do what she wants for a wedding. When we stuck to our guns and said that we just want to go back to our original plan of taking only immediate family out, since not only is that within budget but it’s what we actually would prefer, she flipped out. She started calling me all sorts of names, saying that I was selfish and offensive and rude, and she started twisting my words to make me look bad—like when I had said that I didn’t care what outfits J’s nieces and nephews wore to the wedding (they want all matching stuff), that got twisted into me not wanting them at the wedding at all because I don’t love them. And that it doesn’t matter what I’ve said about the kind of wedding I want or how many times I''ve said it--my dress says it all for me, that it must be a big, huge, fancy-pants wedding, no matter the cost or whatever else I say! Because I couldn’t possibly have just bought the dress I felt the most beautiful in, right? -rolls eyes-
Since last Saturday, twelve days ago, either J’s mother or one of his sisters has called us under the guise of “trying to help sort this out,” but then just launches into awful, hurtful things about what a terrible person I am. All because I would prefer to pay for my own wedding and keep it small? I tried to explain how difficult it is for me that my own brothers won’t be at the wedding, nor my best friends, and that the bigger deal we make of the UK wedding, the more they will be missing. Not to mention I think it’s ridiculous that we should be made to have a fancy wedding for J’s sisters who have both already gotten married! Why should they get our day as well? And originally J’s parents commended us for wanting to keep the budget very low for our wedding so that we would have more money to put towards a house—but now the thought of not having an extravagant wedding is supremely insulting to them? Also, J and I are both pretty low-key people and wanted to spend the day surrounded by the people that really matter—not as many people as we can afford to invite so we can “get more presents” (which is J’s mom’s line to try to talk us into inviting extra people). But, we’re not getting married for gifts—-it’s a much bigger deal to that, and we just want who’s important to us around. Basically, because I haven’t just gone along with what they want, J’s family has twisted that into me being some evil person who hates his whole family and who doesn’t want them to even come to the wedding or be in our lives. If that was the case, why would I have been ok with compromising initially so that more of J’s family could come?
J has been absolutely disgusted and furious with them. They have no idea that anything they’ve said has hurt me, so they will never apologize for any of it. They have threatened to disown us (the parents will never speak to us again, and they will tell the sisters never to speak to us again, and therefore we’d never see the nieces and nephews again) if we don’t go along with what they want, which feels like we’ve been taken hostage over our own wedding. They have emailed me just to say that they think I am a terrible person and should stop and think about what other people want and not be so selfish. Even just thinking about those emails has me crying now because they make me feel heartbroken. I have tried to explain that it''s just my preference for weddings and that they all mean so much to me since they are the family we spend the most time with, but they do not care. They think that everything is a snub against them, and will not consider anything else.
All I feel I am guilty of is having my own opinion about what’s important for my wedding. They have not let up on their attacks, and as a result I have had almost no sleep because I have dreams about them, and two days ago I started to develop a migraine as well. I have ended up crying in front of half the staff members in my school—-a simple question like, “Are you alright?” has had me burst into tears as everything has come flooding back to me—and the supreme over-tiredness doesn’t help either. I have stayed home from work today to try to get rid of the migraine and catch up on some sleep. I have been feeling like I am losing my mind. And I do not want to talk to my parents about this, because they are (probably) going to meet J’s parents and I don’t want to influence their opinions of them. But at the same time, I need a way to vent and get all this out of my head so that maybe I can stop having these awful dreams.
J has told me repeatedly that he will write them off if they continue to be so horrible and that we will go and elope (with my parents who are arriving at the end of this month) if we want. But I feel like that’s not a good idea because it would probably just solidify them not being in our lives anymore. I don’t want our wedding to be ‘that day when we lost J’s family for good,’ you know? But at the same time, I don’t want to be surrounded by their poisonous attitudes. There doesn’t seem to be a winning situation here.
Despite all we’ve been through, I am still (perhaps stupidly) optimistic that we can come to a compromise that we can both live with, but this incident has affected my feelings about my future in-laws permanently. We had originally planned to move closer to them, but we won’t be doing that now. We also will not be staying in J’s parents’ house when we visit his family, because I will not feel welcome in their home. J at one point told a sister that he was embarrassed by the way his family treats me, since my family has always gone out of its way to treat J like a prince but his family treats me like a servant when I am around. J’s support has truly been remarkable and all this has brought us closer together.
Thank you for reading. If anyone thinks I have done things badly or have caused what has happened, please be kind when you tell me so, as I feel very fragile and beaten up already. But I always want the truth—-just be gentle with it, please.
About nine months ago, J and I had planned to do our ideal wedding in the UK by keeping it small, having it done in a registry office and then taking the guests and ourselves out for a nice meal at a restaurant. However, J’s mom really wanted J’s aunts & uncles there and offered us a compromise where she would host the reception at her house and do all the food (with the help of J’s sisters) so that we could have the people she wanted but without adding to our costs. I was very reluctant to do this, knowing that it would add lots of stress and that J didn’t care if his aunts & uncles came, but everyone (including J) reassured me that it would be great because J’s mom loves to host parties. So, we agreed to it. I liked the idea of a reception held at someone’s home, and the big benefit was that it would’ve given us a huge amount of flexibility in terms of what date our wedding is—-something we still do not know because we are waiting to get the papers that say I (as a foreigner) am allowed to marry a British citizen.
Last Saturday, about a week and a half ago, J’s mom calls us up to say that she’s been looking at venues again and that she’s going to book somewhere for us and that she’ll “let me know what she decides.” She bulldozed my end of the conversation so I couldn’t get her to explain what she was talking about, so we had to call her back to ask her what she meant. She told us she could still host the reception, but that having it at a venue would be so much better and that they’d pay. Even when pressed and when we said, “Look, it’s ok if you don’t want to host it anymore, but if so you need to tell us so we can make other arrangements.” But she insisted she could but then kept going on about these fancy venues to rent (that probably aren’t even available now). Later it turns out that J’s mom has told his sisters that there’s no way she’s hosting it anymore-—she doesn’t have room (because I want to invite my parents and a few friends, which she previously said was ok), the house is having work done, and wouldn’t it be so much nicer for everyone if it was at a venue? She said she wants to make the UK wedding bigger and fancier because J’s sisters can’t come to the US anymore. She also said that I should think about what my parents want for my wedding, which according to her (who’s never spoken to either of my parents or so much as sent them a card, letter or email) is huge and fancy, just like what she wants! In truth, my parents are coming to the UK simply to share our day with us. My mother told me at one point that she didn’t care if we got married inside a closet; she wasn’t going to miss my wedding for the world.
Here’s where things go sour. She then decided that she’s forevermore in charge of our wedding (no big shock there because she’s turned into a bit of a control freak) and started telling us that we must do what she wants for a wedding. When we stuck to our guns and said that we just want to go back to our original plan of taking only immediate family out, since not only is that within budget but it’s what we actually would prefer, she flipped out. She started calling me all sorts of names, saying that I was selfish and offensive and rude, and she started twisting my words to make me look bad—like when I had said that I didn’t care what outfits J’s nieces and nephews wore to the wedding (they want all matching stuff), that got twisted into me not wanting them at the wedding at all because I don’t love them. And that it doesn’t matter what I’ve said about the kind of wedding I want or how many times I''ve said it--my dress says it all for me, that it must be a big, huge, fancy-pants wedding, no matter the cost or whatever else I say! Because I couldn’t possibly have just bought the dress I felt the most beautiful in, right? -rolls eyes-
Since last Saturday, twelve days ago, either J’s mother or one of his sisters has called us under the guise of “trying to help sort this out,” but then just launches into awful, hurtful things about what a terrible person I am. All because I would prefer to pay for my own wedding and keep it small? I tried to explain how difficult it is for me that my own brothers won’t be at the wedding, nor my best friends, and that the bigger deal we make of the UK wedding, the more they will be missing. Not to mention I think it’s ridiculous that we should be made to have a fancy wedding for J’s sisters who have both already gotten married! Why should they get our day as well? And originally J’s parents commended us for wanting to keep the budget very low for our wedding so that we would have more money to put towards a house—but now the thought of not having an extravagant wedding is supremely insulting to them? Also, J and I are both pretty low-key people and wanted to spend the day surrounded by the people that really matter—not as many people as we can afford to invite so we can “get more presents” (which is J’s mom’s line to try to talk us into inviting extra people). But, we’re not getting married for gifts—-it’s a much bigger deal to that, and we just want who’s important to us around. Basically, because I haven’t just gone along with what they want, J’s family has twisted that into me being some evil person who hates his whole family and who doesn’t want them to even come to the wedding or be in our lives. If that was the case, why would I have been ok with compromising initially so that more of J’s family could come?
J has been absolutely disgusted and furious with them. They have no idea that anything they’ve said has hurt me, so they will never apologize for any of it. They have threatened to disown us (the parents will never speak to us again, and they will tell the sisters never to speak to us again, and therefore we’d never see the nieces and nephews again) if we don’t go along with what they want, which feels like we’ve been taken hostage over our own wedding. They have emailed me just to say that they think I am a terrible person and should stop and think about what other people want and not be so selfish. Even just thinking about those emails has me crying now because they make me feel heartbroken. I have tried to explain that it''s just my preference for weddings and that they all mean so much to me since they are the family we spend the most time with, but they do not care. They think that everything is a snub against them, and will not consider anything else.
All I feel I am guilty of is having my own opinion about what’s important for my wedding. They have not let up on their attacks, and as a result I have had almost no sleep because I have dreams about them, and two days ago I started to develop a migraine as well. I have ended up crying in front of half the staff members in my school—-a simple question like, “Are you alright?” has had me burst into tears as everything has come flooding back to me—and the supreme over-tiredness doesn’t help either. I have stayed home from work today to try to get rid of the migraine and catch up on some sleep. I have been feeling like I am losing my mind. And I do not want to talk to my parents about this, because they are (probably) going to meet J’s parents and I don’t want to influence their opinions of them. But at the same time, I need a way to vent and get all this out of my head so that maybe I can stop having these awful dreams.
J has told me repeatedly that he will write them off if they continue to be so horrible and that we will go and elope (with my parents who are arriving at the end of this month) if we want. But I feel like that’s not a good idea because it would probably just solidify them not being in our lives anymore. I don’t want our wedding to be ‘that day when we lost J’s family for good,’ you know? But at the same time, I don’t want to be surrounded by their poisonous attitudes. There doesn’t seem to be a winning situation here.
Despite all we’ve been through, I am still (perhaps stupidly) optimistic that we can come to a compromise that we can both live with, but this incident has affected my feelings about my future in-laws permanently. We had originally planned to move closer to them, but we won’t be doing that now. We also will not be staying in J’s parents’ house when we visit his family, because I will not feel welcome in their home. J at one point told a sister that he was embarrassed by the way his family treats me, since my family has always gone out of its way to treat J like a prince but his family treats me like a servant when I am around. J’s support has truly been remarkable and all this has brought us closer together.
Thank you for reading. If anyone thinks I have done things badly or have caused what has happened, please be kind when you tell me so, as I feel very fragile and beaten up already. But I always want the truth—-just be gentle with it, please.
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