SECOND THOUGHTS?? PLEASE ADVICE

[Melody3]

Hey PSers,

I have a question for all you ladies.
Once everything has been selected and all that is left for your SO to do is go order the ring, did anyone experience him having cold feet???

I am sad to report that that is the case for me

Suddenly I find him bringing up all these issues and he's saying he wants to resolve all these things before he buys it.

I am taking it quite badly, because I thought with all the talk about getting married we already had (over a year), you'd think he would of brought up any worries at that time and not now, when I am just sitting back and waiting for the day.

So here I am left with him not sure he wants to proceed, leaving me completely heart broken

What do I do??? Do I take it as he just doens't love me enough and we aren't meant to be???


Any insight is appreciated and badly needed!!!


EDITED: This is my first time posting ... I wanted to wait till I had some great happy news, but unfortunately it didn't happen that way, and my very first post is a very sad one for me.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Getting engaged is a huge step for any relationship, and it's also perfectly normal for someone to get "nervous" over that...

Right before my wedding, we're talking weeks before, my DH got cold feet. It was awful. He was talking like a different person, he was voicing all sorts of random concerns (some of which didn't even apply to us as a couple)...it was terrifying for me to be the one totally sure, and forced to listen to him go on and on. And the hardest thing about a man that has cold feet (at least with my husband) was that I couldn't reason with him. It was like real life stopped exsisting for him, and he somewhere else. But, I didn't panic infront of him. I let him have his "man melt down" and I was totally calm outwardly...because weither he decided to walk away or stay with me and get married, I knew I was going to be just fine. So with him I was patient, and once I figured out that rationalizing with him didn't work, I stopped and just let him "feel his feelings". I figured that I wasn't about to "talk" someone into marrying me...that he'd either come around or not. But grovling has never been my style.

Inside, I felt sad and confused and slightly panicked. But from the research I did during that time about cold feet, I knew that "going there" with him would be murder/suicide. So, if I needed to break down, I went for a drive or smoked cigarettes.

Marks' cold feet lasted about 3 days (the longest 3 days of my life, by the way). I eventually got to the point where I just packed my bags and left, I was very calm--but I was also done listening to how "this marriage could be a mistake" and "he didn't know what he wanted anymore". Now, I didn't go far and I didn't leave for long...and when I came back, it was like the storm had passed (weird, I know...three days locked up, and all it takes to cure it was for me to actually do what he was thinking he wanted...). I walked back into our home to a calm man, who gave me the biggest hug and who was sorry if he'd hurt me...and although I was guarded for a while after that, he reverted to normal and nothing like that has even remotely happened since.

So, it was a happy ending. We have a loving marriage, that is strong and its heavenly for me. And ironically enough, we were actually talking about this the other day, and how that even though everyone tells you "its all going to change" and they try to more or less scare you, marriage is so wonderful and if there was a change it was absolutely for the better.

So...long story short, pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Freaking out helps no one. You don't want to convince someone to marry you, you're way better than that. Either way you'll be fine. Bug hugs and lots of support, as always.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Every man panics at some point whether you know about it or not....

Did one of his friends say something to him perhaps? or did he read something or hear something?

I think he just needs to sort out his feelings and he wants to take a step back and understand what he wants out of life/you/marriage.

Do you live together? Then i think you should stay someplace else for a few days like IHC said. Absece makes the heart grow fonder.

If you are really honestly worried that deep down he will walk away from you, then it was not meant to be. Perhaps he just needs that validation that you are
"the one" and you are going to respect his feelings, emotions, future..etc..

I would sit with him and have him write down a written list of all the things that he is worried about and you two should go through that list together and map out a plan.

Maybe seeing it on paper will make him realize he is freaking out over nothing.

 

[Melody3]

Thank you both for taking the time to write to me.

To answer you question, Alexis, no we do not live together, so we do have plenty of space, but he still wants to talk ... not necessarily about the issues but just to talk. And unfortunatly it makes me mad because instead of talking things out, here he is talking about the weekend and this new movie he loved ....
And as far as i know, nothing was said from friends or family, this was his own realization that he may want something different then what we have been planning for all these months.

I don''t have the strength you do IHC, I need to know whats going on. If things aren''t meant to be then I can accept that, I don''t want to be with someone who was forced in being with me. But I need to know whats going on, it is hard for me to sit back for days and maybe weeks (its already been 5 days) and just wait for him to decide if i am good enough.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 1/5/2009 11:25:03 AM
Author: Melody3
Thank you both for taking the time to write to me.

To answer you question, Alexis, no we do not live together, so we do have plenty of space, but he still wants to talk ... not necessarily about the issues but just to talk. And unfortunatly it makes me mad because instead of talking things out, here he is talking about the weekend and this new movie he loved ....
And as far as i know, nothing was said from friends or family, this was his own realization that he may want something different then what we have been planning for all these months.

I don''t have the strength you do IHC, I need to know whats going on. If things aren''t meant to be then I can accept that, I don''t want to be with someone who was forced in being with me. But I need to know whats going on, it is hard for me to sit back for days and maybe weeks (its already been 5 days) and just wait for him to decide if i am good enough.

Melody, honey, it''s not about strength...because believe me, it was hard and I was hurt by the whole thing...but, I knew that it was like pounding sand, I wasn''t going to get anywhere.

I think Alexis gave you a great suggestion...sitting down, making a road map of your relationship and going from there....and if he''s "not interested" in doing that, than you have to just go quiet. Your relationship is at a serious "make or break" point...and if you feel like this isn''t the time to be discussing movies or friends or activities, then this isn''t the time. And if he can have all of these fears and drag you into the trenchs with him, then you should be able to discuss these problems like two adults...and you need not accept anything less than that. And if he doesn''t feel like expressing these things with you, or sharing in this openly, then you have to make yourself unavailable for the light and breezy stuff.

Yes, you deserve to know what''s going on. No, you''re not going to sit on hold until he sorts himself out. This is also time for you to take care of ''Melody''...whatever that means. Reconnect with friends, girls night out, reading a good book, getting a manicure. So often LIW allow themselves to take a backseat to what their BF''s are feeling ready for...but a relationship (and always will be) 2 people.

Being married is the ultimate partnership. It''s 100%, 100% of the time. It''s being able to be open and vulnerable. This is a man you are considering spending your life with too. And he has more or less shut you out right now probably when openess counts the most...so now you also need to decide if this is the type of relationship you can see yourself being happy in. It''s a real possibility this might be who he is...the type of man that shuts you out. Can you live with that?

 

[Winks_Elf]

First, take a deep breath. This really IS a good thing! It means he''s thinking more about the long-term future and less about the immediate romantic stuff. It may not seem romantic and sweet, but it really is in your best interest as a couple.

So, hang in there, let him have some space to calm down. Talk to him if he wants, but above all else do not panic! I don''t know how long you''ve been a couple, or how old you both are, but remember that the proposal is a very, very important thing in anyone''s life. He may be of the mindset that he should have all the i''s dotted and all the t''s crossed in his mind before he asks for your hand. Some guys won''t propose until they know they''d be ready to get married as soon as the lady says yes. The cold feet is not uncommon in guys under (and especially just about to turn) 30 years old.

And, if things do come to an end with your man, it just means the beginning to a new chapter in your life. You will get through this bump in the road, you will live, and life will go on. For every door that closes a new one will open.

(((BIG HUG!)))

 

[KatM]

This same thing has happened to a number of my friends...and all of them have ended up ok. I think it''s because their boyfriends liked the idea of getting married, but something about actually taking steps to make it happen made it all very real and scary. I would give him some space to settle down, and not to take it personally at all.

But to echo what others have said, you DO deserve to know what''s going on. Try to be calm, but be firm. It''s your future too.

 

[Melody3]

thanks to all of you for your advice. i really needed that
i was so emotionally involved with it and just so shocked by it all that i wasn''t really thinking about it logically.

i have calmed down a bit, thanks you to guys!!
i will not say anything for a bit and then see where things are from there.

thanks again!!!! it meant alot

 

[Winks_Elf]

(((BIG HUG!)))

You are most welcome!

 

[purselover]

I''m not gonna lie, sometimes I''m the one with cold feet! Forever is a very long time, and sometimes I get worried that one day we''ll end up divorced or miserable or both, but I think it''s good I get nervous because it shows I know just how serious marriage is, I think everyone gets a bit nervous, it''s only natural when talking about a lifelong commitment

 

[Melody3]

Ya the term cold feet is almost a given with engagements and weddings and marriages. Such happy moments can have such tough ones too.

I got him to talk a little, and one main issue is the fact that we are from different cities, and he wants to go back to his and not stay here as origionally planned. No matter how much one can discuss it, you never know how it will end. The heart wants what it wants .....

Don''t mean to kill the joyous mood of the LIW forum lol But thanks for listening

 

[PugLover]

Hi Melody, I''m glad you''re feeling a bit better about the situation. Just wanted to share my story with you really quick. I have been with my BF for nearly 5 years now and we had often mentioned being married, children, etc. But at about the point when it had been 4 yrs that we were together, I wanted more of a commitment, but he got cold feet. I was devastated, but decided that I needed to step back and let him decide. I knew when I wanted, which was to marry him, it didn''t have to be right away but I needed to know that that is where we were headed. If he was not on the same page, I knew I would have to move on. But thankfully, I did not have to as he came around in time. I''m glad that all the cards were put on the table and I believe the experience has strengthened our relationship. We are now in the process of choosing our diamond

. So keep positive and remember that if it was meant to be, it will be!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 1/5/2009 8:32:11 PM
Author: Melody3
Ya the term cold feet is almost a given with engagements and weddings and marriages. Such happy moments can have such tough ones too.


I got him to talk a little, and one main issue is the fact that we are from different cities, and he wants to go back to his and not stay here as origionally planned. No matter how much one can discuss it, you never know how it will end. The heart wants what it wants .....


Don''t mean to kill the joyous mood of the LIW forum lol But thanks for listening

I''ve had cold feet/second thoughts for ages (literally years) of my relationship with James--not because of my love for him, but because of external circumstances on our relationship, one of the things being location. He''s from England and I''m from the US and we haven''t worked out where we''re going to settle down yet. I''ve already given up a lot to give ''us'' a try by moving to England to live together, and although I''m ok with it now, I don''t know that I would be forever. So, although it was in the plans to stay one place, I can totally understand that feeling you get when home calls to you.

I hope it works out, hon.