Scared for us

[Bia]

Damn. I''m really sorry that you and your new hubby aren''t doing well. Chin up though, you can fix things but you both have to want it.

I highly recommend counseling. I am not married but BF and I did spend a few months working with a counselor. I cannot tell you how much it helped us deal with personality differences as well as prepare us for marriage. I understand there are financial concerns, that makes things more tricky. We were, thankfully, able to find someone fabulous through our insurance, but if you cannot (have you explored this extensively? If not, do so immediately) find a way, even if it means cutting extra monthly expenses out for awhile. This is very important, IMO.

You sound like you''re both going through a transition period. I''m not a therapist so I could very well be wrong, but I don''t recommend that you let the drinking thing go, because it could very well be 2 shots at night, AT HOME--How do you know he doesnt kick back a few after work? I''m not a big drinker so anyone who MUST have two or more drinks per night, that does not sound like a healthy habit--again, my opinion. I just wouldn''t be able to tolerate it...

Please don''t lose hope. Talk to him. Tell him your fears and how much you love him. If he needs coaxing, then pull out all the stops, but definitely explore the counseling a bit more, I really think it might be necessary.

Good luck sweetie.

 

[customcushion]

Purfectpear, I prefer to think of us more as the JaegerBomb generation (not that there is anything wrong with that

)

 

[Vix]

My doctor has recommended two 8 oz. glasses of wine daily (heart and cholesteral benefits).

The health educator pedant in me wants to clarify that if you are a woman (think you are!) that is FOUR TIMES/12 more ounces what the American Heart Association recommends -- and twice as much as rec'd for males.

AHA Recommendation

If you drink alcohol, do so in moderation. This means an average of one to two drinks per day for men and one drink per day for women. (A drink is one 12 oz. beer, 4 oz. of wine, 1.5 oz. of 80-proof spirits, or 1 oz. of 100-proof spirits.)

[snip]
How alcohol or wine affects cardiovascular risk merits further research, but right now the American Heart Association does not recommend drinking wine or any other form of alcohol to gain these potential benefits.

[snip]
Drinking more alcohol increases such dangers as alcoholism, high blood pressure, obesity, stroke, breast cancer, suicide and accidents. Also, it's not possible to predict in which people alcoholism will become a problem. Given these and other risks, the American Heart Association cautions people NOT to start drinking ... if they do not already drink alcohol. Consult your doctor on the benefits and risks of consuming alcohol in moderation.

As I said upthread, I wouldn't brush off the recent increase in his drinking. ps This opinion brought to you by someone staring at 40, not 25, ha!

AHA -- Alcohol, Wine & Cardiovascular Disease

 

[appletini]

NoID, I haven''t read through everything, but I do think working on yourself is a good start. I don''t know if y''all lived together prior to marriage, my DH and I did not, and just getting used to being together all the time, with minimal self-alone time was tough for both of us. Since you work from home, maybe try to get involved in some activities that will get you out of the house...get together with a girlfriend for happy hour or a manicure, join a book club, take a cooking class, go for long walks, volunteer at a local hospital. You need to be happy with yourself first!

Oh and my DH doesn''t do two shots a day, but he does have a few beers or a glass or two of wine most days to unwind after a stressful day at work.

 

[purrfectpear]

Oops, you''re correct I meant 4 oz. Doh. I don''t even have two of those, but he did say it was beneficial. Here in the midwest (where I''m on a temp. assignment) you don''t buy wine in the grocery store. Since it means a separate stop at a liquor store, I always forget.

Back to the OP''s BF, I think he stopped because she made such a big deal about it. I suspect he''s just tired of being told what to do, and is exercising his independence. He''s miffed at her, so now he pleases himself (but I''m only guessing). OP has indicated that she doesn''t think he has a drinking problem now, or in the past.

Anyway, some open frank discussion in a therapeutic setting would be a good idea. I don''t really think it''s about drinking at all. OP resents his making adult decisions about drinking, he resents OP for attempting to control...it''s just not a good thing to let it build up. These things don''t usually resolve themselves.

 

[phoenixgirl]

We know that moderate drinking is defined as one or two drinks a day for men. And of course, cultural acceptance of alcohol varies worldwide. In many places, it is customary to drink every night. Sure, it would be nice if everyone subscribed to our political or religious beliefs, or led healthy lifestyles, etc., etc., but people have free choice. People are different. If I were in charge of the world, I wouldn't "let" people do any number of things, all for their own good, of course.

It's one thing to say that drinking two shots a night is something you wouldn't do, or wouldn't want your husband to do, or wouldn't have been attracted to a person from the get-go who does that, but it's another to say that a wife shouldn't let her husband do it. To me this isn't black and white. She has provided no information that he is harming himself or others and even indicated that he not a mean drunk like some people can be. Sure, we can speculate as to his state of mind and judge his choice of drink, but we don't really know him or his motivation. And even if it's a misguided coping mechanism, is it going to help the dynamic of their marriage if Super Wife swoops in and just forbids his coping mechanism instead of dealing with what he's trying to cope with?

 

[Fancy605]

May I recommend a book?

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is an excellent book. I know it's probably been over-hyped in the literary market, but to me, it made a big difference in transitioning into marriage. It really opened my eyes to a lot of things. It doesn't really address arguing exactly, but to me the communication techniques in it tend to make petty arguments that escalate into big messes occur less and less frequently. Anyway, it may be worth a look.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 7/21/2008 11:38:52 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
We know that moderate drinking is defined as one or two drinks a day for men. And of course, cultural acceptance of alcohol varies worldwide. In many places, it is customary to drink every night. Sure, it would be nice if everyone subscribed to our political or religious beliefs, or led healthy lifestyles, etc., etc., but people have free choice. People are different. If I were in charge of the world, I wouldn''t ''let'' people do any number of things, all for their own good, of course.

It''s one thing to say that drinking two shots a night is something you wouldn''t do, or wouldn''t want your husband to do, or wouldn''t have been attracted to a person from the get-go who does that, but it''s another to say that a wife shouldn''t let her husband do it. To me this isn''t black and white. She has provided no information that he is harming himself or others and even indicated that he not a mean drunk like some people can be. Sure, we can speculate as to his state of mind and judge his choice of drink, but we don''t really know him or his motivation. And even if it''s a misguided coping mechanism, is it going to help the dynamic of their marriage if Super Wife swoops in and just forbids his coping mechanism instead of dealing with what he''s trying to cope with?

i agree, but i don''t think that anyone was suggesting that she would make the problem better by forbidding him to drink, or even suggested that she try. i think most people were just identifying it as a problem/issue and suggesting that she do the same, not suggesting that she engage in another power struggle by trying to make him stop, right?

 

[LuckyTexan]

Date: 7/22/2008 12:18:10 AM
Author: Fancy605
May I recommend a book?

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is an excellent book. I know it''s probably been over-hyped in the literary market, but to me, it made a big difference in transitioning into marriage. It really opened my eyes to a lot of things. It doesn''t really address arguing exactly, but to me the communication techniques in it tend to make petty arguments that escalate into big messes occur less and less frequently. Anyway, it may be worth a look.

This book CHANGED MY LIFE!!!

His insight into HUMANITY.... is nothing short of a MIRACLE!!!

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 7/22/2008 2:07:11 AM
Author: LuckyTexan

Date: 7/22/2008 12:18:10 AM

This book CHANGED MY LIFE!!!


His insight into HUMANITY.... is nothing short of a MIRACLE!!!

I''m glad I''m not the only one who feels this way. To get into the specifics of my earlier post, the book taught me a LOT too. Naturally one always knows when her husband does something that upsets her (or fails to do something). And I literally learned language to use to express what I needed from him without being argumentative/accusatory about it, which sort of him from responding in a defensive/argumentative manor (which I get defensive when he gets defensive, so eliminating the defensiveness prevents a lot of easier-than-you-think-to-solve problems from escalating). I also learned how to better show him love in ways that make more sense to him (i.e. I am not a person who likes surprises, so it never occurred to me that little surprises would mean as much to him as they do.) I also told him what I learned about myself as far as how I need to receive love, and it really made sense to him and made us both WORLDS happier. I was seriously worried during the first months of our marriage that we would argue about every little thing FOREVER, but now we mostly just discuss these little things (with a few immature outbursts every now and then, but we try to acknowledge when we overreact). When I read parts of the book, I literally cried because it was the first time I realized EXACTLY why we got frustrated with each other even when we were trying what we thought was our best and EXACTLY how to prevent frustrations. It''s like I was finally able to put my finger on the thing I always knew I wanted, but couldn''t explain even to myself.

Anyway, I know it sounds crazy to say a book led us in just the right direction, and maybe it doesn''t work for everyone, but...it couldn''t hurt to check it out.

At any rate, I wish you all the best!

 

[Haven]

I''m sorry you''re having a difficult time, NOID, and I hope you find some of the advice useful for your marriage. Please come back and tell us how you''re doing.

 

[NoID]

First of all, thank you so much for all your caring, and support, and for the book suggestions. I so much appreciate all your feedback, and I am sorry I didn't respond sooner.

Lucky - I probably am too needy...I know I'm more needy than him, even though I very much enjoy lots of time by myself, and I definitely do enjoy my business...

Phoneix - I so much enjoyed reading your observations. He's not an adrelanine freak, but yes, he's definitely more willing to take risks and more impulsive. This is 98% about control - I realize it all underneath - but it's a scary thought to let go of control. Feels like if I do things will derail. Tears are coming to my eyes right now, I know I have hit on a truth. The other 2% really is about alcohol, for whatever reason, I have always said I would hate to end up with a guy who drinks every day (even if just two drinks - you know what's funny, my sister is the EXACT same way - so there's a link there). I do like him - he's a wonderful person. But yes, I probably wish he was more like me - into reading and stuff. He likes socializing. You are so right about letting him be who he is - and that's where the problem comes in, the other layer. I am deathly afraid of making mistakes - that fear carries over into everything - including being wrong about something I feel or do. In other words - I think I try to control situations so I don't have to decide whether something is a problem - I nip it in the bud before I have to get to that point, because if not I'll be forced to take a stand and possibly be wrong. In other words, I am afraid of getting mad about something, let's say he starts going out all the time, and isn't spending any time with me. I am so afraid of being wrong about that because I'm always questioning whether I'm just too needy. I need to go therapy is what I need...been over these issues before but it's the first time I am really allowing myself to SEE and UNDERSTAND and be CLEAR that this is about CONTROL. And I just read your second post - I love your observation about a wife "letting or not letting" her husband do something - that is not who I want to be - although the derailment feeling comes up when I think that. Also I must say, when I met him, I was a smoker (casual, only smoking when we went out to clubs) and he gave me such a hard time about it every time I lit up I eventually stopped smoking altogether. I would compare his drinking thing to my smoking but he would say it's not the same - I say it is, although alcohol seems so much easier to ignore, because it doesn't smell bad.

Vix - so true; I think what I said above touches on walking that line between being ourselves and yet honoring the relationship and the other person's needs. Thank you for your kind words about him being lucky to have me - I really do want him to be happy. But I am so afraid that happiness to him will be going out all the time and seeing me when he sees me. There goes that balance again...and the control...I realize that if I just let him BE I will FIND OUT what HIS level is...and I do leave the house sometimes just so he can get some time to himself. It's what I gave him for his birthday, actually, a pass for a weekend for me to go somewhere and leave him alone haha And I do "let him" go out - it's just probably not as often as it comes into his mind to go out. I guess I sometimes wonder could someone ever go out too much? I mean, how can that be determined fairly?

Alison - absotuley...maybe I've been controlling him so much, ever since I met him, I am afraid I still don't know who he REALLY is. The control isn't obvious (I don't say "you can't go") but I retreat or get silent...it's there...

Lara - I love your suggestion of actually putting the "goal" on a calendar as a reminder. Although I've tried the positive/accepting thing at times it always goes away - but putting it on a calendar might help keep me going. I KNOW what you mean about nurturing - but that's a WHOLE other issue altogether for me. Even when I read the part about "he probably expects you to take care of his side of things" it made me cringe. So I'll have to find a different pathway to resolving this because I don't think I'm willing (and yes, I know it's a willingness) to do those kinds of things. I do cook for him ONCE IN A WHILE, and he does LOVE IT. He would love if I would take care of him, I know he would...I do go through periods where I do it more, and it's nice, but I can't keep it up too long. I am VERY time-oriented so if things infringe too much on my own time/business, etc., I end up resenting them.

miracles - not really...my only connection to alcohol is growing up with non-drinking parents and my father always being very proud of himself for not drinking...I did have a best friend in high school who was an alcoholic (I'm talking voda in Dunkin Donuts cups while in school) and I remember telling her I thought she had a problem - I was deathly afraid she'd get really mad but I felt I needed to tell her. Miracles - so many of my reactions and arguments I get into are calls for love...but I don't want to drain him, you know? I know these are my own issues.

surgirl - never came to a deal...when I first started dating him, years and years ago, I did tell him I didn't like his shots habits. At the time, he was going through quite a STRESSFUL period at his job, where he thought he was going to get fired/demoted, had to go to court, etc., all kinds of problems. I hated that he would go home and first thing was to open the bottle. We had many conversations about it and he assured me that he did not have a drinking problem, and that unlike many of his friends who drink to get drunk, he drinks because he enjoys it, etc. As time went by I did notice that he didn't seem to have a problem. In other words it seemed to me his alcohol habit was a habit but not a problem. Eventually though, as he moved away from that apartment (his best friend lived downstairs, a HUGE drinker

) and moved in with me the daily shots stopped. For a LONG time. He loves having a shot or a couple of drinks while cooking, it's very much a ritual for him, and that never bothered me. But like I said, all of the sudden again, the daily shot habit has reared its head. I haven't said anything to him about it though...trying to figure out what's right or not...gets complicated because of the control issue...

mimzy - I should clarify...the shots thing is a "family" thing...whenever we go visit his parents, first thing his dad does is take out the bottle and they'll do a shot together...me too, many times...so the shot has a lot of positive connotations for him. I just don't like it on an every day basis - easy to do 2 shots, and not realize that you just basically had two drinks...I think your point about approaching him once I'm calm and can figure out where I REALLY stand on the issue, minus my need to control him, is a great idea.

wishful - thanks for the suggestion, I'll look it up.

bia - thanks for your support. I really don't think he has a drinking problem - but he does like to drink (as do I, although with me, it's wine). I definitely don't think he's hiding any drinking from me, at all...

appletini - we lived together for quite a few years before marriage...I would feel the same way about alcohol in any form - shots, wine, or beer...but I just have to figure out why + how to determine if there is any real cause for concern + how much is just that I don't like it so he shouldn't do it...

Fancy - I'm going to check out that book too! It sounds WONDERFUL. And I am TOTALLY into the self-help thing and truthfully, MANY of the hurdles I've overcome in my life have come from reading about how to deal with them! Thank you for expanding into how it helped you...isn't so scary and frustrating when you realize you're fighting because there's a communication breakdown, yet you can't get out of it anyway?

Thanks Haven. Took me a long time to respond, but wanted to acknowledge all the wonderful insight and support.

 

[purrfectpear]

I heard a lot of self analyzing in there but I didn''t hear what I think would help you most. You sound excessively controlling (not only others, but even with yourself). By excessive, I mean it''s affecting your self esteem, and doesn''t sound like a healthy productive "proactive" control - but more like a debilitating "fearful OMG the sky will fall soon" kind of control. I really think you could benefit from some therapy to discuss these issues in a neutral, unbiased setting.

The fact that your dad was "proud of not drinking" implies that he thought people who drink (not overdrinkers) any alcohol are somehow not as disciplined. That value seems to have rubbed off on you subconsciously? Smoking is not the same as drinking. Smoking is bad for your body, period. Drinking is bad for your body when done in excess.

Anyway you describe a lot of self defeating thoughts, so I hope you are able to overcome those. Happiness can be yours.

 

[Allisonfaye]

I didn''t read all of the comments but I wanted to make a few.

1) In my experience, there are two types of people in the world: A) Those who drink or want to drink every day B) Those who don''t or don''t care if they drink ever. In my family, we have both types. My mom drinks every day. She worked her way up to a few straight bourbons a day at one point. Now she would wither up and die if she didn''t have her two glasses of wine a day. I don''t care if I have one drink a year. If I do, it is usually when I am out to dinner. It has nothing to do with morality or religion. My sister is just like my mom. My other sister is just like me. I think you have the gene or you don''t. My husband has it. I don''t. Your husband has it. You don''t. I can understand why it would bother you. If my sister were married to your husband, it wouldn''t bother her at all. I think you have to decide if you can live with this. You can''t change the stripes of a zebra.

2) How much fun are you to live with? I ask this because I once lived with a control freak. We fought constantly. He wanted me to eat healthier. He wanted me to work out. Were his motives right? Yes. Did I grow to eventually hate him? YOU BET. I have a tiny bit of control freak in me too. But when I try to do anything to control my husband, I remind myself of this Dr. Phil quote (How much fun?) and try to stop myself.

3) And last of all, I had a friend that I worked with once. EVERY DAY, she would come to work complaining about her husband and their latest fight. You know what I told her? After weeks of this I told her to do me a favor. Take your husband bowling tonight. And she did. And it saved her marriage. Why? Because she didn''t bring up any tense subjects or start bugging him about anything and they had fun. It broke the cycle that they had been in for weeks. Now I am not saying going bowling will save your marriage. I am not that dumb. But just have a night where you have fun doing something together. Don''t talk. Don''t discuss anything serious. You get the idea.

 

[phoenixgirl]

NoID, I was so happy to read your post! I think you''ve had some great lightbulb moments and are on the right track. And I think you''ll really get a lot out of counseling. My dad just killed himself and I am going through a hell of a time, but I am secretly glad to have a "reason" to go to counseling because just talking things out with an objective third party can be such a relief.

DH and I had a talk last night about how happy we are together, and I said that in some ways, yes, we chose to grow together, but in other ways we were lucky (meaning, I don''t want to take all the credit for our happiness, as though unhappy couples have done something wrong that we''ve gotten right). We both have decided, on our own, to grow up, to get healthy, to let go of old habits that weren''t good for us. But we could have decided not to, or one of us could have gone down that road but the other didn''t. And then we would have had to accept each other''s choices (or not) and probably be slightly less happy as a result. That''s where the luck comes in, I think.

Remember my husband''s friend who had the girlfriend who didn''t like him? In the last two weeks, literally, he has fallen head over heals in love (matched up on eHarmony). It is so sweet to see -- they just like and get each other. They have similar interests and priorities but also compliment each other''s differences. It''s fun to be a part of people who just like each other.

This might be weird to share, but here goes. DH has what is really an acquaintance, not yet a friend, from biking. He asked about my husband being out of town for my dad''s death, but DH didn''t tell him until last week about the suicide. He wrote my husband this email today which DH forwarded to me (some of it fell a little flat -- it was called "positive spin" and I can''t see one in this -- but he meant it for DH, not for me, and he meant well):

"Obviously I was a bit down after hearing what happened to [PG]''s father, but eventually I came to see the positive side of things. The first time we met was at TWC, and both [wife] and I mentioned how pleasant a person you were and as I have mentioned before admired your attention to your wife with the Sunday brunches. I was reminded of this that day at lunch when [PG] called you and how lovingly you spoke to her. The positive side to this tragedy is that [PG] is married to a man who loves her devoutly and is quite capable, and even more so willing, to provide her with everything he has to offer in terms of love, caring and guidance."

Here I am, always congratulating myself on encouraging my husband''s love of biking and desire to spend lots of time at races and buy expensive bikes all the time. But here he is, skipping races or golf to take me out to Sunday brunch, and here is his biking buddy complimenting him on how well he cares for me. I love the quote, "Be the change you want to see in the world." When I let go and let him be who is and love the man he is (not the one I would change him into), in the best of worlds, he''ll do the same for me, and he does.

 

[Pandora II]

On the shots thing, I think it comes down to the finer details around this. Is he taking time to enjoy each one, or just knocking them back?

In Europe, alcohol is a big part of everyday life. When I lived in Italy, wine was served in the canteen at work with lunch!

DH and I are both practically tee-total, but we will have a single malt whiskey once in a while in the evening. Amongst our friends, most people would drink alcohol on a near daily basis and that is regarded completely normal here in the UK.

DH and I get a lot of funny looks due to our not drinking. People can get offended by your not drinking for some strange reason!

 

[allycat0303]

Hey NoID,

I was glad to see a post from you!

I don''t think his drinking shots does not necessarily have to be *problematic* for you to justify not liking it. I think each person has a comfort level concerning alcohol consumption by their spouse, and if you are uncomfortable, I think you need to discuss it, and not worry about justification. Hopefully you two can come to an agreement about it. Maybe shots on Thursday and friday night only, or maybe instead of shots a glass of wine. Something that puts you back in the comfort zone.

Incidently, I just did my pyschiatry rotation, and the doctors rarely qualified problem drinking by oz. Usually we asked questions like a) ever feel the need to cut down on drinking b) ever felt annoyed at criticism of drinking c) ever felt guilty of drinking d) ever need a drink first thing in the morning. In Canada we define *problem drinking* as presence of alcohol tolerance, more then 14 drinks per week, with mild social or personal consequences. However, someone could drink more then 14 drinks, and have no consquences at all, or less then 14 drinks with consequences.

In any case, that''s me writing just to write. But IMO, it doesn''t sound as though you''re husband has a problem with alcohol per say. It sounds like one of several issues that have you completely overwhelmed. If he doesn''t agree to counselling, perhaps tackling one issue at the time (even if it''s a small thing) might help you two build up some confidence to work on larger issues. Perhaps each of you can decide on an issue (mutually one for him and one for you) and you resolve to focus only on that one until it is resolved.

Good luck!

 

[NoID]

Hi again everyone!

It's been a while (again). I was out of town for a few weeks and have just been catching up on all my reading, etc.

pp:
"You sound excessively controlling (not only others, but even with yourself)."
"The fact that your dad was "proud of not drinking" implies that he thought people who drink (not overdrinkers) any alcohol are somehow not as disciplined."

This is SO interesting to me that you picked up so much on the control issues. You're probably right about the self-control, too...I have a high degree of respect for self-discipline (I guess the other side of the coin is low tolerance for lack of it). As far as my dad...for him not drinking was more about not being pressured by what others are doing/think you should do - hmmm...could relate to self-discipline.

Anyway - interesting, thank you for pointing that out. As far as the a lot of analyzing...yes...I enjoy it...but I do mix it up with action steps (i.e., picking up the book fancy and lucky recommended, etc.)

allisonfaye:
"Were his motives right? Yes. Did I grow to eventually hate him? YOU BET"

So important for me to keep in mind. Even if it would be better for him not to do a or b, it isn't for me to control. I don't want to be a control freak! I just don't realize it sometimes, it's good to see what you guys see.

phoenix:
"When I let go and let him be who is and love the man he is (not the one I would change him into), in the best of worlds, he'll do the same for me, and he does."

Probably the test of a truly healthy relationship - when each person can be who they really are.

pandora:
He definitel enjoys his drinks - doesn't knock them back at all...it's really a ritual for him.

hello allycat! Glad to see you.
" It sounds like one of several issues that have you completely overwhelmed."

Very, very true. It was just one MORE thing on the list, on top of the fighting, etc., but maybe the most "visual" therefore the one that stood out to tackle/focus on.

I wanted to tell you all that things are improving. I can't recall everything that happend to put a positive spin on things, but basically, I started reacting less to things and choosing to not escalate our fights. It didn't always go well (sometimes he would continue trying to escalate) but many times it did. I also picked up the book "The 5 love languages" and have learned some things from it - the most important being to try to remain loving and do little things that I know he likes even when things aren't great. We're talking more, we're laughing more, and we both seem to be making a real effort not to let the fights get out of control. Surprisingly, the alcohol has taken a bit of a backburner. He had a couple of shots the other day and it didn't bother me at all - in a way, it felt like "home" - because I was feeling OK/connected to him. I know our work isn't over, by A LONG shot - my control issues and not eradicated, and well, he can be a little bit of a jerk sometimes - as can I. But it is the most hopeful I've felt in a LOOOOOOONG TIME.

Thank you all again so very much for your help, incredible insight, and support.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I''m so happy to read your great update! I''ve never read The Five Languages of Love but I''ve heard good things about it.

 

[tanuki]

You guys really need counseling - there is "what the argument is about" and "what the argument REALLY about". Usually that is something so scary to admit that you will need counseling to figure it out.

In my first marriage, which unfortunately failed, my ex was the adult child of an alcoholic.

Whenever I would even take one glass of wine his anxiety level would start to go thru the roof.
Not because I was actually a person with a drinking problem (I can have one drink before dinner and leave it alone)
but because he was convinced that I was going to just drink the whole bottle every time I would open the wine because his dad couldn''t stop once HE started.

I was offended because he had seen me drink responsibly countless times but still wouldn''t give me the benefit of the doubt. To me it came across as a trust issue. Seriously, I never even took a drink until I was of legal age, I have never been drunk to the point of throwing up or passing out,
never had any interference with my ability to maintain my life responsiblities from drinking, no DUI, just the very definition of "drink responsiblity".
So why not just trust me if there has never been a problem with my behavior in all these years?
If it was only about a glass of wine I would have probably just given it up. But that was the tip of the iceberg on the trust issues.

If we are talking about a grown man taking two normal shots during the course of an evening - this wouldn''t even qualify as "getting drunk" to the general public. I''m not even sure there would be any particular health risk over time. Unless he was someone who even one drink would turn him into a complete monster you may just want to pick your battle.

Also - let the small stuff go. There has never been a marriage where at the end the scorekeeper came up and said "Guess what - You won on points". If you start worrying about winning every argument all the time you make the other person the loser all the time. Which is horrible for your relationship.
Good luck - It''s good that you want to try to work things out before someone just leaves.

 

[CJ2008]

I read that book...I found it to be a little repetitive at times...but I did get some good ideas out of it - and the way I look at books, if I can get ONE idea out of it, it was worth reading.

Glad to hear things are improving for you noid...keep working on it - it sounds like you both are doing more and want the marriage to work.

 

[LaraOnline]

I''m so glad the little things are falling into place, NoID.
Like Dory does in the animated movie, ''Finding Nemo'', ''just keep swimming, just keep swimming...''
Soon, six months, then a year, then eighteen months will have passed, and you''ll find that your little everyday warm feelings will have taken the edge from the silly, quick-to-escalate stuff that you used to indulge in.
And it''s definitely a two-way street... he''ll be seeing you respond warmly to him, and respond to you in turn. So, it''s not all about sacrifice!
Perhaps you can suggest going to counselling in a while, as ongoing ''maintenance'', to make it even better, rather than as a crisis response.
Why make life a drama, hey?!
I feel very happy hearing back from you.
L.