Sandy Hook Shooter's Dad Talks

[iLander]

Excerpts from the extensive New Yorker article:

Peter hadn’t seen his son for two years at the time of the Sandy Hook killings, and, even with hindsight, he doesn’t think that the catastrophe could have been predicted. But he constantly thinks about what he could have done differently and wishes he had pushed harder to see Adam. “Any variation on what I did and how my relationship was had to be good, because no outcome could be worse,” he said. Another time, he said, “You can’t get any more evil,” and added, “How much do I beat up on myself about the fact that he’s my son? A lot.”

"Adam Lanza was never typical. Born in 1992, he didn’t speak until he was three, and he always understood many more words than he could muster. He showed such hypersensitivity to physical touch that tags had to be removed from his clothing. In preschool and at Sandy Hook, where he was a pupil till the beginning of sixth grade, he sometimes smelled things that weren’t there and washed his hands excessively. A doctor diagnosed sensory-integration disorder, and Adam underwent speech therapy and occupational therapy in kindergarten and first grade. Teachers were told to watch for seizures."

Full Article here: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2014/03/17/140317fa_fact_solomon

Fascinating and sad, a thorough article.

 

[momhappy]

Yes, very sad. What an incredibly painful thing to try to come to terms with.

 

[tyty333]

I wonder why the dad hadn't seen him in 2 years? Because the Mom wouldn't let him or because Adam didn't want to see him?
Geographical distance? I really hold the Mom responsible for not keeping the guns out of his reach. Doesn't sound like she even
tried. Lets face it, "normal" teens can have major mood swings imagine if it was a teen with other issues thrown in there.
Truly a sad situation.

I haven't read the link yet...I guess it might answer some of my questions. Off to read...

 

[momhappy]

From what I understand, Adam began to unravel over the years and the mother told the father to stay away. Adam became incredibly isolated (to the point of covering his windows with trash bags and communicating with his own mother (within their own home) only by email.
Clearly, the mother is responsible for much of the blame that is associated with the tragedy at Sandy Hook - at least in my opinion.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

I just finished reading the whole article, I'll certainly be thinking about it for a long while.

 

[tyty333]

I just finished reading. I feel for the Dad but I don't understand why in 2 years he didn't manage to see his son.
The Mom was in total denial. I can't understand why he wasn't seeing a therapist. If he refused to go then she
needed to be going to try to figure out the best way to deal with Adam. All hindsight...

I'll never forget the look on the faces of the parents that hadn't found their child. Heartbreaking.

 

[perry]

I agree that a full reading gives one a lot to think about.

I pray that Peter ultimately finds peace. He deserves that.

Perry

 

[Sky56]

Thanks for sharing. It is really sad.

The first sentences caught my eye as I can't bear the scratchy feeling of clothing tags on my skin and have to remove them all from my clothing, and also the fact that I didn't speak until I was three, but fully understood everything.

 

[ksinger]

Yeah, after reading this, I have a lot more compassion for the mother too. How does any parent navigate THAT? Many people I know are flumoxed to make good daily decisions rearing a normal kid. One like him? Aiy! I think she's lucky to have died, really, because she was spared the agony of having to live even a moment with the crushing guilt for having produced such a monster.

I know most condemn her for having guns and letting him have access to them, but I'd estimate 80% or more, of the parents I have known in my life, have had some level of denial about the character and capabilities of their children - character that outsiders can often see quite clearly, but that parents simply refuse to countenance - and they often have even less knowledge about their own motivations, and what drives THEM to make the choices they do regarding those children. Believing your child capable of mass murder, or murdering YOU, requires a level of cold, clear sight about your flesh and blood, that very very few of us have. Contemplating that is like contemplating the fact of your own death, the mind shies away and can only hold the thought hazily and briefly. I can't help but think of how vehemently the wife of Army Staff Sgt. Robert Bales (accused and later convicted, of killing 16 Afghan civilians - including toddlers - in a premeditated 2-part act) denied that her husband was capable of such a heinous act. How much harder would it be to think you own child could do something as bad or worse?

And you can just hear it from the father, that anguish to be faced with what our ancestors would simply have called Evil. Because we moderns have pretty much rejected the whole idea of evil, we are always so shocked when it happens, and so desperate to explain it away, that if we could have only known the exact factors, we could have prevented it. I personally believe that we never will, that there will always be people and acts that simply defy any explanation, and that will not yield to hindsight.

Very very sad...

 

[missy]

Yeah, after reading this, I have a lot more compassion for the mother too. How does any parent navigate THAT? Many people I know are flumoxed to make good daily decisions rearing a normal kid. One like him? Aiy! I think she's lucky to have died, really, because she was spared the agony of having to live even a moment with the crushing guilt for having produced such a monster.

I know most condemn her for having guns and letting him have access to them, but I'd estimate 80% or more, of the parents I have known in my life, have had some level of denial about the character and capabilities of their children - character that outsiders can often see quite clearly, but that parents simply refuse to countenance - and they often have even less knowledge about their own motivations, and what drives THEM to make the choices they do regarding those children. Behlieving your child capable of mass murder, or murdering YOU, requires a level of cold, clear sight about your flesh and blood, that very very few of us have. Contemplating that is like contemplating the fact of your own death, the mind shies away and can only hold the thought hazily and briefly. I can't help but think of how vehemently the wife of Army Staff Sgt. Robert Bales (accused and later convicted, of killing 16 Afghan civilians - including toddlers - in a premeditated 2-part act) denied that her husband was capable of such a heinous act. How much harder would it be to think you own child could do something as bad or worse?

And you can just hear it from the father, that anguish to be faced with what our ancestors would simply have called Evil. Because we moderns have pretty much rejected the whole idea of evil, we are always so shocked when it happens, and so desperate to explain it away, that if we could have only known the exact factors, we could have prevented it. I personally believe that we never will, that there will always be people and acts that simply defy any explanation, and that will not yield to hindsight.

Very very sad...

I agree completely. A tragedy on all levels. And fwiw I believe in evil. It exists all around us sadly.

 

[tyty333]

I agree that it would be difficult for any parent to think that their child could take a gun and
shoot up classrooms full of small children. But I would think that its not too much of a stretch
to try to protect YOUR child that is having "bad" days and spending hour(s) a day crying. I would
Have thought for Adams sake that she would have had the guns locked up or even out of the
house. I don't think its hard to imagine that a person who is so out of sorts and so miserable
Might take their own life. Apparently this hadn't entered the fathers mind either.

I'm wondering if my logic is not typical?

 

[momhappy]

I have very little (if any) compassion for the mother. He was under her care and she failed him. Period.

 

[momhappy]

I agree that it would be difficult for any parent to think that their child could take a gun and
shoot up classrooms full of small children. But I would think that its not too much of a stretch
to try to protect YOUR child that is having "bad" days and spending hour(s) a day crying. I would
Have thought for Adams sake that she would have had the guns locked up or even out of the
house. I don't think its hard to imagine that a person who is so out of sorts and so miserable
Might take their own life. Apparently this hadn't entered the fathers mind either.

I'm wondering if my logic is not typical?

Your logic works for me. Even if they didn't feel that he was capable of committing such a horrible act, they still should have gotten him help.

 

[TooPatient]

I just finished reading. I feel for the Dad but I don't understand why in 2 years he didn't manage to see his son.
The Mom was in total denial. I can't understand why he wasn't seeing a therapist. If he refused to go then she
needed to be going to try to figure out the best way to deal with Adam. All hindsight...

I'll never forget the look on the faces of the parents that hadn't found their child. Heartbreaking.

Easy answer to the bolded --

Because the courts are expensive and miserable to fight in. If one parent chooses to not allow contact with a kid, you are left hiring an attorney and fighting in court. When the court orders visitation be allowed, you get to have your attorney go back to the court (with you missing yet more days at work) when the parent doesn't comply with the visitation order.

We spent EIGHT YEARS fighting in court to make sure "A" was taken care of. Her mother wouldn't allow us to see her. In fact said stuff about how "A" says she'd rather die than ever see you again...
At the end of all this we'd spent over $100,000 in attorney fees, faced embarrassment at work (ever had court paperwork served at work by the sheriff?), and gotten NO WHERE.

It was only after we'd decided to quit fighting that things lined up right (eventually!) that we were FINALLY able to get "A" here with us.

ETA: Oh yes -- during the time we were fighting, "A" was told by her mother that her father had just walked off and left and never even sent any money for her to have anything nice. She was also busy telling everyone in town that she was offering lots of visits but "he refuses to see his daughter"... Yeah

 

[packrat]

Nobody thinks the mental health system failed him? (rather than placing the blame on the mother or father)

 

[TooPatient]

Nobody thinks the mental health system failed him? (rather than placing the blame on the mother or father)

From the sounds of it, his mother never gave the mental health system a chance to fail him.

I could be missing something as I don't have all the details of their life...

 

[momhappy]

Nobody thinks the mental health system failed him? (rather than placing the blame on the mother or father)

Absolutely, the mental health system failed him, but the problem has to be identified first. I would assume that no one knew him better than his own mother. As a parent, you are responsible for caring for & protecting your children. If you sense a problem, especially problems that you feel are out of your realm of capabilities to address, then you seek professional help. If my chid has a sore throat, I take them to the doctor for a strep test. Likewise, if my child started to exhibit mental health issues, I would take the necessary steps to get them the appropriate help.

 

[ksinger]

I'm wondering how many have actually read the article. They were hardly, "Whatever...", they DID get him mental help, lots of it. Psychiatrists, meds, special schools, speech therapy, homeschooling. He was diagnosed with Asperger's and OCD, but nothing else. HE resisted the diagnosis. His preoccupation with mass murder was not spoken of with his parents, but only online. I see a mother who was completely out of her depth and making some seriously bad choices because of it. Sounds like a lot of single mothers I've known. It's just that most of the time those bad choices don't explode in a blood bath. I also remind you that Adam Lanza was no longer a child. He was 20, and at that point she could force nothing upon him in the way of therapy or drugs, both of which the article says he was resistant to when he was a teen. How many people here have tried to FORCE (literally) a teen to do something? Without the usual motivators (loss of social contact, driving, etc) how was she to motivate this kid? I'm a huge critic of what I see some parents do or not do, but this one? I personally wouldn't have the first clue. In hindsight, he needed to be locked up (with a psychic to read his every thought), but how many parents would do that? Hardly any.

And the situation with dad was hardly as cut and dried as mom denying him visitation. Dad had remarried, and sounds a bit willfully disengaged for his son's late teen years. Hey, he didn't have to deal with the day to day of a messed up son who acted as if he didn't want to see him. Is everyone here so certain they would not feel even a tiny bit the same? And as someone who was not messed up, but had a father who remarried, I can tell you, that disengagement from kids of the previous marriage is not at all an uncommon male reaction to divorce. So let's not cast dad as some poor little victim of mom here.

Now, I WILL concede that having guns around was a level of denial quite far beyond the pale. Any even slightly unstable person, should never have access to guns. While mom could be in denial that he was a monster, I do fail to see how she could be in denial of the obvious fact that having guns around was not an OK thing for this kid. But then we're back to that ability of parents to be in some pretty serious denial about their progeny. But I see that so much on a daily basis, that this is just further on the spectrum. The resistance to the idea that any person, let alone MY kid, could do such a thing is summed up pretty well below:

"The psychiatric profession doesn’t consider mass killers to be necessarily insane, which distresses Peter. For him, the crime defines the illness—as he said, soon after we met, you’d have to be crazy to do such a thing. He found the idea of Adam’s not being insane much more devastating than the thought of his being insane. Peter has searched the psychiatric literature on mass killers, trying to understand what happened to his son. He came across the work of Park Dietz, a psychiatrist who, in 1986, coined the term “pseudocommando.” Dietz says that for pseudocommandos a preoccupation with weapons and war regalia makes up for a sense of impotence and failure. He wrote that we insist that mass killers are insane only to reassure ourselves that normal people are incapable of such evil."

And if he's not insane, well, then there isn't anything ANYONE could have done, and that IS worthy of a bit of denial. THAT is the stuff of nightmares.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I wonder if the gun issue is not the most important issue. TyTy and Ksinger bring up this point. I have read a psychiatrists book on evil, and he might construe the mothers decision to not remove the guns even while thinking her son might be suicidal as evil. Conscious and Unconscious levels exist in all of us, and I guess I will wonder about the guns in the house, and who is the evil one.

A psychiatrist cannot cure evil in a patient.

Annette

 

[iLander]

Well, I think guns is a central element here, and without them in his home, none of this would have happened.

The boy was disturbed on a deep level, his mother tried to cope (I would have tranquilized his food, personally) and his father was absent.

Would Adam have been able to get guns outside the home and carry out this crime? No. He was practically agoraphobic, he never would have been able to purchase them on his own.

Would his interest in mass murder have existed if his mother did not take him to the gun range to experience the thrill and power of shooting a gun? I don't think so . . . but I'd be interested to know the timing on that.

Maybe the solution is mental health/gun education: a booklet or educational website. Maybe there needs to be a psychiatric site that says "How to tell if your family can't be trusted with guns," or some such thing. Or more info on mental health problems, so people can recognize warning signs.

Mental health issues seem to be throughout society, and the only way to detect them is to use everyone's eyes.

And then give us a resource to call if issues are found. These days, who ARE you going to call? Vapid just had that problem with a neighbor, and he was at a loss about who to contact. That's a sad state of affairs.

 

[momhappy]

I'm wondering how many have actually read the article. They were hardly, "Whatever...", they DID get him mental help, lots of it. Psychiatrists, meds, special schools, speech therapy, homeschooling. He was diagnosed with Asperger's and OCD, but nothing else. HE resisted the diagnosis. His preoccupation with mass murder was not spoken of with his parents, but only online. I see a mother who was completely out of her depth and making some seriously bad choices because of it. Sounds like a lot of single mothers I've known. It's just that most of the time those bad choices don't explode in a blood bath. I also remind you that Adam Lanza was no longer a child. He was 20, and at that point she could force nothing upon him in the way of therapy or drugs, both of which the article says he was resistant to when he was a teen. How many people here have tried to FORCE (literally) a teen to do something? Without the usual motivators (loss of social contact, driving, etc) how was she to motivate this kid? I'm a huge critic of what I see some parents do or not do, but this one? I personally wouldn't have the first clue. In hindsight, he needed to be locked up (with a psychic to read his every thought), but how many parents would do that? Hardly any.

And the situation with dad was hardly as cut and dried as mom denying him visitation. Dad had remarried, and sounds a bit willfully disengaged for his son's late teen years. Hey, he didn't have to deal with the day to day of a messed up son who acted as if he didn't want to see him. Is everyone here so certain they would not feel even a tiny bit the same? And as someone who was not messed up, but had a father who remarried, I can tell you, that disengagement from kids of the previous marriage is not at all an uncommon male reaction to divorce. So let's not cast dad as some poor little victim of mom here.

Now, I WILL concede that having guns around was a level of denial quite far beyond the pale. Any even slightly unstable person, should never have access to guns. While mom could be in denial that he was a monster, I do fail to see how she could be in denial of the obvious fact that having guns around was not an OK thing for this kid. But then we're back to that ability of parents to be in some pretty serious denial about their progeny. But I see that so much on a daily basis, that this is just further on the spectrum. The resistance to the idea that any person, let alone MY kid, could do such a thing is summed up pretty well below:

"The psychiatric profession doesn’t consider mass killers to be necessarily insane, which distresses Peter. For him, the crime defines the illness—as he said, soon after we met, you’d have to be crazy to do such a thing. He found the idea of Adam’s not being insane much more devastating than the thought of his being insane. Peter has searched the psychiatric literature on mass killers, trying to understand what happened to his son. He came across the work of Park Dietz, a psychiatrist who, in 1986, coined the term “pseudocommando.” Dietz says that for pseudocommandos a preoccupation with weapons and war regalia makes up for a sense of impotence and failure. He wrote that we insist that mass killers are insane only to reassure ourselves that normal people are incapable of such evil."

And if he's not insane, well, then there isn't anything ANYONE could have done, and that IS worthy of a bit of denial. THAT is the stuff of nightmares.

I didn't say that he didn't receive any help, but the system (and his mother/father) still failed him. One of his old teachers said that Adam had a level of violence that was disturbing and that his creative writing was so graphic that it could not be shared. His obsession with murder dated all the way back to the fifth grade and I would find it almost impossible to believe that as a parent, you wouldn't know that about your child.

 

[Sky56]

Last year a local high school student was planning to shoot up his school and use explosives in an attempt to "do Columbine the right way." He had a lot of weaponry, bomb materials and detailed plans stored under the floor of his room. The only thing that stopped him was a fellow student reporting to his own mother how he was frightened because of what his classmate would say at school about wanting to shoot up the school. His mother went to the police. It looked like it really was going to happen, detailed plans and computer records showed.

The student's mother had NO CLUE about her son. The only indicators I see is a socially awkward kid who is bullied, but 99+% of those kids wouldn't do violent crimes.

 

[MissGotRocks]

And there is mental illness that you just can't 'fix'. You could have forcefully medicated him into a stupor but other than that, I agree with KSinger that the parent's hands were a bit tied. It wasn't that they hadn't tried to get help - it just didn't work. Don't forget that the mother and other son probably had their own issues to deal with - she with her divorce and the older son probably never feeling that he got half the attention that Adam did. Yes, Dad went on with his life and was probably halfway glad that Adam didn't want to see him. Trying to interact with him would be like beating your own head on a wall. Painful and with no gain.

I am not a gun advocate but I think she probably thought of the guns as something they engaged in together, he had lessons and certainly knew about gun safety, etc. While it might have been very naïve to never think he might turn to them, I'm not sure at that time in his life she felt she had any real concrete reason to worry. Not having access to the guns might have been the ticket but what about a knife? Seems to me that the gun wasn't the vehicle - it was the violence so another weapon might have been as good to him.

I applaud the Dad's decision to talk and try to tell some of their family's story. It is only through awareness that we are motivated to action. Perhaps another family with serious mental issues of a member might wonder 'could he possibly be another Adam?' and try to take some steps to prevent access to guns or weapons. Autism is such a huge spectrum; hopefully this also points out that an autism/Asperger's diagnosis is not necessarily the end all of the problem. Clearly there were other mental health issues involved with this young man that might have been overlooked because of the preliminary diagnosis. However, he was examined by a number of doctors during his life and it seems that none of them really wanted to venture another guess as to the cause of his problem.

Lastly, I'm guessing that in the last few years of his life when it was just he and his mother that she saw many troubling signs. However, I think people become acclimated to even strange living environments. She probably gave in to many of his quirks just to try to have some peace with him. She must have wondered what would become of him in ensuing years when she was no longer able to look after him every minute of every day or when she was dead and gone. Talk of moving to Seattle might have entailed a residential program or something for him that might have just snapped his cord. I'm sure that is quite a bit that we'll never know as she took it to the grave with her. The bond between a mother and child is very strong and when you add in the factor of his instability, it becomes like a magnet. It's just human nature.

Until you've walked in their shoes, it's impossible to pass judgment. Hindsight is always 20/20 and while they probably knew they weren't dealing with it perfectly, they were getting through the days. In that particular circumstance, that might just be as good as it got.

 

[iLander]

I didn't say that he didn't receive any help, but the system (and his mother/father) still failed him. One of his old teachers said that Adam had a level of violence that was disturbing and that his creative writing was so graphic that it could not be shared. His obsession with murder dated all the way back to the fifth grade and I would find it almost impossible to believe that as a parent, you wouldn't know that about your child.

Yes, I read the article and forgot this point. His mother (AND father) had clear indications that he had murderous tendencies, even as a young child. Why, for the love of God, would you buy guns for a kid like this?

 

[Amber St. Clare]

The father gets absolutely no sympathy from me. The only person I feel sorry for is the brother, Ryan. Adam took his identification and it was initially thought Ryan was the perp.

I feel about Nancy Lanza the same was I feel about wrong-way-on-the Taconic killer of 7 Diane Schouler: I want their sorry bones dug up and tried for murder.

Nancy Lanza is NO VICTIM and and I'm not buying the fathers tears. They failed him and those poor children paid the price.