Saddened & angered over my mother''s comment

[Amanda.Rx]

Hello all. I don''t post on this forum much, but I thought it was more appropriate than the LIW forum, and maybe I could get some better insight.

A little background: All my life, I''ve been a pretty active person- competitive swimming, triathlons, road races, etc. I always like having something to train for to keep me goal-oriented and healthy. A year ago, I decided to train for a triathlon through a program called Team in Training. Team in Training is a program developed by the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society that trains regular people to complete edurance events. In return for the training, you fundraise for the society, helping many people battling blood cancers & contributing towards research and development. It is probably one of the greatest charity programs I have ever taken part in and the rewards are phenomenal. One of the main ways you fundraise is to write letters to everyone you know, explaining what you''re doing, the cause behind it, and request whatever monetary donation people are able to give. I''ve never been one to enjoy asking other for money, but if I''m asking on someone else''s behalf (like a child, a mother, or a loved one with cancer) then I have no problem! When I did the triathlon last year, I raised over $3000 for the society off of donations. I asked most people living in my parent''s neighborhood that I grew up with, and was sure to send each person a thank you note if they donated, no matter how small.

Today: I am on the phone with my mother, and I am telling her that I was thinking about doing Team in Training again this year becuase of what a great cause and a great experience it was. She replies, "Oh, that fundraising thing? Well, just don''t hit up all the people on my Christmas card list for money. I''m serious. I didn''t like it the first time you did it, and I don''t want you asking my friends for money again." I was FLOORED and extremely offended. How insensitive can you be? She treated me as if raising $3000 for a charity was the worst thing I had ever done in my life. She treated me as if I were hopeless and going door to door in the neighborhood asking for money for myself. I just can''t believe it. I am soooooo angry right now that she is so against what I want to do.

Seriously, would you be offended if one of the kids in your neighborhood sent you a letter, telling you that they''re taking part in this, and asked for money? On the flip side, would you be offended if your child asked your neighbors for money to be able to support a cause like this? My mother worked as a pharmacists in the cancer center pharmacy at the hospital in our city for YEARS, and saw how sick these poor people were. I can''t understand how she would be offended by my wanting to help them!

Sorry for the vent, but any insight would be helpful on the other hand. Thank you.

 

[Steel]

I do not like 'being pestered' to give money. Whatever the cause.

I understand why your Mother might be upset if she felt that you were asking for money from a number of people she knows, if she felt that those same people might feel obliged to donate because it was you who asked. Asking family and friends can go one of two ways, 1) is that they feel very supportive of you and anything you do and WANT to donate 2) is that they feel OBLIGED to donate. Perhaps your mum felt it was the latter. I would, if my friend/relation sent me a letter. I would see a direct letter as being pestered - as what else are you writing for, except for money?

Sorry, I know you did not want this answer. I think I am in a minority as I know many people who do not share this view.

I also hate co-workers who feel able to come around to desks during work hours with a petition to donate. I feel obliged to donate or put on the spot if I do not. Whatever the cause, it is my money and I think discretion should be paramount.

 

[Jas12]

Amanda--hmm. I can understand why you would be pissed. It''s a strange reaction. I am not really sure why your mom reacted like that, except maybe that she isn''t associating the ''asking for money'' part with the key element ''because it''s for a charity''. ?? Or maybe some of her friends are not well off and she doesn''t like you ''pressuring'' them for donations??
Did you challenge her regarding her feelings and find out what exactly makes her uncomfortable?

Great job on raising $3000!!! I help run a chapter of an excellent charity in my city and i am bad at collecting donations (i leave that job up to my sister) so i do a ton of administrative and events planning so i know how much work goes into these sorts of things. A well run charity is a great cause to support and ppl like you are the reason they can continue research--so keep collecting!!!

 

[decodelighted]

Hmmmmm. I can understand why you''re shocked & saddened. Seems like you''ll need to find a new neighborhood to solicit donations if she specifically asked you not to ask her friends/neighbors. Perhaps there''s been some fall out you''re not aware of (griping & complaining that has embarrassed *her* ... put *her* on the spot?)

As to your question -- the kids in the neighborhood here come selling stuff & asking for donations several times a year. They are *kids*. Young kids. And, though it can be annoying & costly - we usually buy/donate. More for *them* than their causes ... because I know how hard it is to go door to door etc. I want them to have success. They simply don''t have the skills to describe a cause in a way that it can touch me instantly. So its always *them* & their well-being that motivates my actions.

If an *adult* came by, year after year, asking for sponsorships or what not - I''d (sheepishly) probably be annoyed. Unless it was a cause that spoke to me *instantly* & personally. Mostly I''d just start to feel like an easy target and they don''t know many people if they keep coming to *me*. Its probably good advice not to keep draining the same well. Give it time to fill up again.

 

[lyra]

I understand the situation. My husband is currently training for The Ride to Conquer Cancer in our region. He has raised over $7000 so far, and it's his first year attempting the ride (110km, 2 days). While people seem eager to donate this year, we both are thinking that if he did this every year, people wouldn't be as generous, even though it is for a great cause. It's kind of disheartening really, so I know what you're feeling. But it's another thing completely to hear it from your mother. I'm quite sure my husband's family would continue to donate, and wouldn't have this reaction. But that's another issue I guess, and I have no advice on that other than to say you can ignore her and ask anyway, but expect lower donations as people don't like feeling obligated for something every year. I know it sucks, because it takes so much work for you, and you are doing it for charity. I think people are going to be less giving this year too.

Anyway, good luck with your triathalon, it's such a worthy effort and you are putting so much into it.

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 1/11/2009 5:40:08 PM
Author: Steel
I do not like ''being pestered'' to give money. Whatever the cause.


I understand why your Mother might be upset if she felt that you were asking for money from a number of people she knows, if she felt that those same people might feel obliged to donate because it was you who asked. Asking family and friends can go one of two ways, 1) is that they feel very supportive of you and anything you do and WANT to donate 2) is that they feel OBLIGED to donate. Perhaps your mum felt it was the latter. I would, if my friend/relation sent me a letter. I would see a direct letter as being pestered - as what else are you writing for, except for money?


Sorry, I know you did not want this answer. I think I am in a minority as I know many people who do not share this view.


I also hate co-workers who feel able to come around to desks during work hours with a petition to donate. I feel obliged to donate or put on the spot if I do not. Whatever the cause, it is my money and I think discretion should be paramount.

ditto and I almost always say no.
Even worse is parents doing collecting for their kids projects, pisses me off.
I used to buy candy when the kids came around selling it but not anymore I will pay $2 for $1 worth of candy for good cause if a kid asks but these days its $6 for $1.25 worth of candy.. forget that!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/11/2009 5:48:38 PM
Author: decodelighted
Hmmmmm. I can understand why you''re shocked & saddened. Seems like you''ll need to find a new neighborhood to solicit donations if she specifically asked you not to ask her friends/neighbors. Perhaps there''s been some fall out you''re not aware of (griping & complaining that has embarrassed *her* ... put *her* on the spot?)

This is what I was thinking too. Maybe one or more of them commented to her about it and now she feels weird. I understand where she''s coming from if she feels for some reason that her friends are annoyed by being asked to donate...but I do think she could have been much more sensitive to you.

 

[April20]

I''m not bothered at all. I almost always give to whatever charity or organization is in need, within my means, when asked. I also donate to public radio/television whenever they send solicitations. If I absolutely don''t have any money to spare, I don''t give and if I''m talking to an actual person, I''ll explain. But if I have even a dollar, I give.

 

[iheartscience]

Wow! Sounds like your mom could have put that a much nicer way. I understand what she''s coming from, but that''s just mean. You worked super hard and raised a bunch of money and she dismissed you pretty harshly. I''m never one to keep quiet so if I were you I would let her know how upset you are. (I''m not sure if you did talk to her about this already, but if not, I definitely would!)

I personally wouldn''t be offended AT ALL if I received a letter asking for a donation. That''s a lot less in your face than knocking on someone''s door. I think with a letter a person can take the easy way out and not donate and not have to tell you to your face.

 

[swingirl]

I am asked to donate for many wonderful causes.

Jump Rope for Heart
United Way
The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society
Run for the Cure (breast cancer)

Plus the fundraiser for our local high school boy who has just been diagnosed with lymphoma. Two years ago I was asked to donate for a bone marrow transplant for a local boy.

There are school fund-raisers, too.

So many wonderful projects people participate in to help others. But with my limited income I have to pick the ones that best suit my interests. I cannot donate money to them all. And it makes most of us feel badly to have to say no to people we know especially to their face.

But there is no law against asking. Instead of hitting up your parents’ neighborhood, why don’t you hit up your own and get to know those people? (I assume you don't live with your parents)

 

[Haven]

Amanda--It sounds like your mother didn't approach the situation delicately, and I can definitely appreciate that the abrasiveness of her response would bother you. I know it would certainly put me off if my own mother said something like that, she could have been more gracious, to be sure.

However, I do understand why your mother would not want you to solicit all of *her* friends for money. I do not think it is fair for you think her insensitive to the cause because of her request for you to not "hit up" the people on her Christmas list for donations. You have no idea what people do behind the scenes to support their chosen causes, and just because someone does not want to donate money to *your* choice cause that does not mean that they are not sensitive to the issue.

I find these types of requests to be well-intentioned, yet misguided when they come from people with whom I am not close. You do not know what people do for the greater good on their own, and there is always going to be some level of discomfort for someone when they turn down your request for charitable donations.

Personally, I am Jewish, and Jewish law requires me to perform charities throughout my life. We call these charities "Tzedakah". There are eight degrees of tzedakah, and we should strive to perform the highest degree, which a form of charity that enables an individual to dispense with charity. Examples of this would be to help another find employment, or develop the skills he needs in order to support his own family, etc. The second highest degree, which is the one most closely associated with the type of charity you are doing, is to anonymously give to unknown recipients. So, you see, for me to sign up to donate to a cause like yours, while it is a wonderful thing to do, it is not the type of charitable work that *I* personally strive to do. I know that you are well-meaning, but to associate my name with my donations lessens the value of that charity *for me* because of my religious beliefs. Before anyone freaks out, I'm not saying it isn't a great thing to do, it is. I'm just sharing because I want to provide some further insight as to why people may be put-off by these types of solicitations.

Anyway, I still think that your mother was a bit harsh, and I can definitely understand being upset by her tone.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

A letter would offend me, but I WOULD be annoyed. My sons would never be allowed to go around the neighborhood asking for money. I often associate fund raisers where people ask for funds as a method of guilt, where the person not only feels guilty about other individuals' illnesses, that they have to contribute, but they feel even guiltier if they do not. (sorry for being so honest, but that is how I see it. . .)

FWIW, a friend of mine was involved in a similar type of event and had to raise around $2,500 to participate and she told me about it, but never asked me for money. I take it that she told people and those who felt compelled to contribute, did, and she raised the money she needed without directly asking anyone.

Best of luck to you!

ETA - and just in line with what Haven was saying, I also prefer to do acts of charity rather than give $. I worry that the majority of funds in monatary donations go to administrative costs. My form of help always comes as either a volunteer activity, or the giving of direct goods (such as food for the foodbank or clothes to needy kids).

 

[JulieN]

I think some things you do, you have to just believe in it, and any negativity you get towards it should be brushed off and shouldn''t make you feel bad.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 1/11/2009 6:15:42 PM
Author: strmrdr

Date: 1/11/2009 5:40:08 PM
Author: Steel
I do not like ''being pestered'' to give money. Whatever the cause.


I understand why your Mother might be upset if she felt that you were asking for money from a number of people she knows, if she felt that those same people might feel obliged to donate because it was you who asked. Asking family and friends can go one of two ways, 1) is that they feel very supportive of you and anything you do and WANT to donate 2) is that they feel OBLIGED to donate. Perhaps your mum felt it was the latter. I would, if my friend/relation sent me a letter. I would see a direct letter as being pestered - as what else are you writing for, except for money?


Sorry, I know you did not want this answer. I think I am in a minority as I know many people who do not share this view.


I also hate co-workers who feel able to come around to desks during work hours with a petition to donate. I feel obliged to donate or put on the spot if I do not. Whatever the cause, it is my money and I think discretion should be paramount.

ditto and I almost always say no.
Even worse is parents doing collecting for their kids projects, pisses me off.
I used to buy candy when the kids came around selling it but not anymore I will pay $2 for $1 worth of candy for good cause if a kid asks but these days its $6 for $1.25 worth of candy.. forget that!

+1.

even worse is getting a letter from someone we contracted with to do work for us on an out of town project!

movie zombie

 

[rainwood]

I can understand you being a little upset at the way your mother worded her comment, but I can understand the sentiment behind what she said. We, and most people we know, carefully choose the charities that we want to donate to, either because it''s a disease/cause that personally speaks to us or because someone we are close to is very passionate about it or affected by it. We don''t have a lot of additional money set aside for other peoples'' charitable requests so when we''re asked to donate to a friend''s or neighbor''s cause, it usually means we have to make a comparable cutback on one of our own charities. I''m not willing to do that every year and maybe your parents'' friends/neighbors feel the same way. So I try not to ask people we know to contribute to our preferred charities every year.

Another possibility is that if someone donated to your cause last year, it''s awkward for your parents to decline if they are asked to support one of theirs. I know that we feel an obligation to reciprocate in that situation. Maybe your mother feels like she''ll have to reciprocate or has had to reciprocate with all of those who were so generous in contributing to you last year.

But none of this reluctance has anything to do with the worthiness of the cause. My husband has leukemia so I understand what a great organization you are fundraising for. But there are many deserving charities out there and not enough money to fund them all.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Amanda, I think you''re right to be upset over the comment...but I also believe your Mother has the right to her opinion.

 

[crown1]

i don''t think your mother is uncharitable from her response. we would not allow our daughter to sell things for school or other clubs or organizations in our neighborhood. we were willing to make a donation to causes we felt were worthwhile but felt that using kids to peddle (things that people usually did not want or weren''t worth the price) to neighbors, friends or family was not the thing. same for asking for money as we felt they could choose to support who they wish. i have many times turned down pleas via phone and mail asking me to collect for one charity or another in my neighborhood. i just can''t ask people for money.

i choose to give to many charitable causes but prefer to do it myself. i understand why these things are set up this way but feel you should give your contribution and let others give their own. by that i mean the universal you not you personally. i give nothing to stores who ask for my money to donate in their name for a tax perk. i understand you are getting nothing from this and just trying to help. as a parent i just think you should tap your friends and neighbors not your parents since she has strong feelings about it.

i am totally for helping out just not in this way. an elderly gentleman in our church got up and asked for support in a walk for hunger. he stated he needed one hundred dollars and ten sponsors. he said he had the one hundred dollars just needed the ten sponsors. i felt compelled to be a sponsor since he was putting up the one hundred and his advanced age did not stop him from a winter walk to help others. i still don''t like this way of fund raising and would not ask myself. i have walked in charity walks but made a contribution and had no sponsors.

 

[Girlrocks]

Date: 1/12/2009 10:00:41 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Amanda, I think you''re right to be upset over the comment...but I also believe your Mother has the right to her opinion.

Agreed...I think your mom could have handled it better, but I can also understand her being uncomfortable with you contacting HER friends/neighbors each year.

 

[crown1]

Date: 1/11/2009 6:37:51 PM
Author: Haven
Amanda--It sounds like your mother didn''t approach the situation delicately, and I can definitely appreciate that the abrasiveness of her response would bother you. I know it would certainly put me off if my own mother said something like that, she could have been more gracious, to be sure.


However, I do understand why your mother would not want you to solicit all of *her* friends for money. I do not think it is fair for you think her insensitive to the cause because of her request for you to not ''hit up'' the people on her Christmas list for donations. You have no idea what people do behind the scenes to support their chosen causes, and just because someone does not want to donate money to *your* choice cause that does not mean that they are not sensitive to the issue.


I find these types of requests to be well-intentioned, yet misguided when they come from people with whom I am not close. You do not know what people do for the greater good on their own, and there is always going to be some level of discomfort for someone when they turn down your request for charitable donations.


Personally, I am Jewish, and Jewish law requires me to perform charities throughout my life. We call these charities ''Tzedakah''. There are eight degrees of tzedakah, and we should strive to perform the highest degree, which a form of charity that enables an individual to dispense with charity. Examples of this would be to help another find employment, or develop the skills he needs in order to support his own family, etc. The second highest degree, which is the one most closely associated with the type of charity you are doing, is to anonymously give to unknown recipients. So, you see, for me to sign up to donate to a cause like yours, while it is a wonderful thing to do, it is not the type of charitable work that *I* personally strive to do. I know that you are well-meaning, but to associate my name with my donations lessens the value of that charity *for me* because of my religious beliefs. Before anyone freaks out, I''m not saying it isn''t a great thing to do, it is. I''m just sharing because I want to provide some further insight as to why people may be put-off by these types of solicitations.


Anyway, I still think that your mother was a bit harsh, and I can definitely understand being upset by her tone.

i totally agree with you on the giving in secret. this is something that is taught in other religions also. i supported a gentleman asking for such a contribution by putting my donation in an envelope and writing bob hunger walk on the outside and placing it in the plate.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/12/2009 10:04:12 AM
Author: crown1
i don''t think your mother is uncharitable from her response. we would not allow our daughter to sell things for school or other clubs or organizations in our neighborhood.

At my kids'' school, when there are fundraisers for wrapping paper (the school hasn''t done the chocolate bars), at the top there is a statement saying, "Students are not to sell door-to-door. Only ask friends and family." I''d never let my kids go to strangers'' homes to ask them, AND we do not even ask family or friends. If I want the item(s) being sold, I''ll purchase. If not, I pass and toss the order forms/catalogues in the recycling.

I volunteer hours a week at school and feel that contributes plenty, especially with the cuts the state is making to schools right now.

 

[partgypsy]

Your mom sounds as tactful as my mother is sometimes,

. But I''m used to it. I can totally imagine my mom saying something similar. She sees you raiding her turf for to make solicitations, which makes her uncomfortable. I know you think it''s a great cause, but keep in mind many people have charities that are personally important to them (yet they are not asking YOU for donations for those). Personally I think you should be targeting people you either know are interested in that particular cause, or your own circle of friends and associates to avoid this conflict.
For example my husband worked for someone 5, 6 years ago. Every year we STILL get requests from them to donate to their personal charity of choice. It just feels strange, if that is the only connection you have with that person.

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/11/2009 5:40:08 PM
Author: Steel
I do not like ''being pestered'' to give money. Whatever the cause.


I understand why your Mother might be upset if she felt that you were asking for money from a number of people she knows, if she felt that those same people might feel obliged to donate because it was you who asked. Asking family and friends can go one of two ways, 1) is that they feel very supportive of you and anything you do and WANT to donate 2) is that they feel OBLIGED to donate. Perhaps your mum felt it was the latter. I would, if my friend/relation sent me a letter. I would see a direct letter as being pestered - as what else are you writing for, except for money?


Sorry, I know you did not want this answer. I think I am in a minority as I know many people who do not share this view.


I also hate co-workers who feel able to come around to desks during work hours with a petition to donate. I feel obliged to donate or put on the spot if I do not. Whatever the cause, it is my money and I think discretion should be paramount.

totally agree. I know it''s not the response that you want but it really does bother me when people ask for money either door to door or by letter. Sending a letter is making people feel like they have to give money and it can pressurise people. From your mom''s response, it sounds like maybe one of her friends complained about it the year before.

 

[Amandine]

Date: 1/11/2009 10:48:22 PM
Author: MC
A letter would offend me, but I WOULD be annoyed. My sons would never be allowed to go around the neighborhood asking for money. I often associate fund raisers where people ask for funds as a method of guilt, where the person not only feels guilty about other individuals'' illnesses, that they have to contribute, but they feel even guiltier if they do not. (sorry for being so honest, but that is how I see it. . .)


FWIW, a friend of mine was involved in a similar type of event and had to raise around $2,500 to participate and she told me about it, but never asked me for money. I take it that she told people and those who felt compelled to contribute, did, and she raised the money she needed without directly asking anyone.


Best of luck to you!


ETA - and just in line with what Haven was saying, I also prefer to do acts of charity rather than give $. I worry that the majority of funds in monatary donations go to administrative costs. My form of help always comes as either a volunteer activity, or the giving of direct goods (such as food for the foodbank or clothes to needy kids).

MC--you can always check out
Charity Navigator, which helps you evaluate just where your money goes in a charity.

 

[Miss Fortune]

Date: 1/11/2009 5:40:08 PM
Author: Steel
I do not like ''being pestered'' to give money. Whatever the cause.


I understand why your Mother might be upset if she felt that you were asking for money from a number of people she knows, if she felt that those same people might feel obliged to donate because it was you who asked. Asking family and friends can go one of two ways, 1) is that they feel very supportive of you and anything you do and WANT to donate 2) is that they feel OBLIGED to donate. Perhaps your mum felt it was the latter. I would, if my friend/relation sent me a letter. I would see a direct letter as being pestered - as what else are you writing for, except for money?


Sorry, I know you did not want this answer. I think I am in a minority as I know many people who do not share this view.


I also hate co-workers who feel able to come around to desks during work hours with a petition to donate. I feel obliged to donate or put on the spot if I do not. Whatever the cause, it is my money and I think discretion should be paramount.

Sorry! I have to agree with this poster. I always feel guilty when I can''t donate. Times are tough right now and I wouldn''t ask anyone for money especially now.

 

[movie zombie]

we donate a lot of $ to organizations of our choice. i don''t send letters or ask others to donate to them also. i find it rude when others ask me via phone call, e-mail, letter, or in person to support financially their decision to support a particular group no matter how worth that group may or may not be. i''d prefer that my friends and family NOT give my name, phone number, address, etc. to anyone for any reason without my consent. and i''d never dream of sending a note to my parents friends asking them for $ either...........personally, i don''t think Mom was rude but very specific in her request. of course, the OP is free to continue her quest for donations in any manner she sees fit.

movie zombie

ps maybe it is a generational thing........

 

[Elmorton]

Seriously, would you be offended if one of the kids in your neighborhood sent you a letter, telling you that they''re taking part in this, and asked for money? On the flip side, would you be offended if your child asked your neighbors for money to be able to support a cause like this?

For some reason, this part of the quote stuck out to me - I think your mom certainly should voice her concern that you''re contacting her friends and neighbors because you''re not a child...you certainly have ways to find donations other than tapping into your mom''s circle. I understand her irritation, because when I was in college, I participated in a LOT of fundraisers where I did bug my parents, family and their friends. By my senior year, I was literally opening up a phone book and writing in random names and addresses because I couldn''t stand to bug the same people yet again - and the causes I was supporting were definitely worth it! I totally get where your mom is coming from (even though I agree she could have been a bit more delicate).

When roles are reversed, I feel the same way - DH and I don''t have a whole lot of disposable income, but we give a huge percentage of it to charity - we support United Way, our church, and I''m a member of a service club (which always means donating not only your time but $, as it did when I was in college). I''m actually really bugged when friends ask us to donate to their causes - not because I''m not excited that they''re trying to make a difference too, but because DH and I can''t say no or if we do, we feel horrible about it- and that takes away from our own charitable giving.

In terms of replacing those valuable contributions, I have a couple ideas - 1) Set up an e-mail campaign or ask your charity to set one up if they haven''t already. I love these - you can send out an e-mail to everyone and if they want to contribute, they can go to the website and do it. You don''t have to be the middle man. Plus, e-mails are green, are more casual, and can be deleted as easily as they are sent. 2) Ask for a match from an organization rather than individual contributors 3) Offer something for your donation - get friends together and do a yard sale or bake sale to raise funds. One thing I did in college was that a bunch of us would get together and bag groceries - we''d wear a T-shirt with our cause on it and put a donation/tip jar next to us as we bagged.

 

[Maria D]

Date: 1/13/2009 9:59:41 PM
Author: Elmorton
3) Offer something for your donation - get friends together and do a yard sale or bake sale to raise funds. One thing I did in college was that a bunch of us would get together and bag groceries - we''d wear a T-shirt with our cause on it and put a donation/tip jar next to us as we bagged.

I really love your last point Elmorton. One of my pet peeves is when neighborhood kids come by collecting for something and there is no real "service" on their part other than the fact that they are picking up money or goods. For example, every year the Boy Scouts around here have a food drive. A flyer is sent around a week before asking us to buy non-perishable food and have it ready out front by 8:00 a.m. the next Saturday for our neighborhood boy scout to pick up. Where is the "service" in this? Why not rake my leaves (it''s always done in fall) to raise money to buy food? Whatever happened to charity car washes?

To the OP: yes, you did raise a good amount of money for a very worthy cause but YOU also got something out of it. You got training that you wanted "to keep you goal oriented and healthy." All the donaters get is the satisfaction of helping a good cause, or, as many have said here, the feeling of guilt that makes them feel like they have to donate. Imagine if instead of free training you did service work for all the people who donated. Instead of competitive swimming, you could have cleaned out their garages, offered to wash their windows, or maybe offer to babysit for a mom who would love to be able to go out and get some exercise. Would you be fund-raising for this cause *without* the Team in Training incentive?

So yes, I''d be put out by a request such as yours. Actually, this has happened to me when an acquaintance at the gym did a similar thing and tried to get all the members of our step class to donate to a cause for which she was training for a marathon. In her case, she had to fund-raise at least $2500 for the "free" training and had to make up the difference of anything less than that. Offended is not what I was feeling as her request was not an insult, just an annoyance. I didn''t donate and I didn''t feel guilty about it. But I would not want my own daughter asking my friends/neighbors to support her health goals/pet charities.

 

[DiamanteBlu]

Whenever somebody comes around asking me to donate because they are going to run, walk, or whatever for a cause I have declined.

I have said the same thing to United Way, etc. I decide to whom I want to make my donations, for how much, and when and I don''t need any "help" in figuring how much I should contribute or where it is to go.

If somebody wants to give money to their cause that is great. They should go ahead and write a check. They are also free to invite whoever they like to some kind of fundraiser - dinner, concert, silent auction, etc. = where donors get something of interest to them in return - I have gotten some real cool stuff in the name of charity and have had some good meals and met some interesting people. Or, they can call their friends and ask them to contribute directly while giving the reasons why the friend should.

However, to expect somebody to contribute to a cause because somebody is doing a run or a walk or whatever is incongruent to me.

 

[crown1]

Date: 1/13/2009 10:52:39 PM
Author: Maria D

Date: 1/13/2009 9:59:41 PM

Author: Elmorton

3) Offer something for your donation - get friends together and do a yard sale or bake sale to raise funds. One thing I did in college was that a bunch of us would get together and bag groceries - we''d wear a T-shirt with our cause on it and put a donation/tip jar next to us as we bagged.

I really love your last point Elmorton. One of my pet peeves is when neighborhood kids come by collecting for something and there is no real ''service'' on their part other than the fact that they are picking up money or goods. For example, every year the Boy Scouts around here have a food drive. A flyer is sent around a week before asking us to buy non-perishable food and have it ready out front by 8:00 a.m. the next Saturday for our neighborhood boy scout to pick up. Where is the ''service'' in this? Why not rake my leaves (it''s always done in fall) to raise money to buy food? Whatever happened to charity car washes?


To the OP: yes, you did raise a good amount of money for a very worthy cause but YOU also got something out of it. You got training that you wanted ''to keep you goal oriented and healthy.'' All the donaters get is the satisfaction of helping a good cause, or, as many have said here, the feeling of guilt that makes them feel like they have to donate. Imagine if instead of free training you did service work for all the people who donated. Instead of competitive swimming, you could have cleaned out their garages, offered to wash their windows, or maybe offer to babysit for a mom who would love to be able to go out and get some exercise. Would you be fund-raising for this cause *without* the Team in Training incentive?


So yes, I''d be put out by a request such as yours. Actually, this has happened to me when an acquaintance at the gym did a similar thing and tried to get all the members of our step class to donate to a cause for which she was training for a marathon. In her case, she had to fund-raise at least $2500 for the ''free'' training and had to make up the difference of anything less than that. Offended is not what I was feeling as her request was not an insult, just an annoyance. I didn''t donate and I didn''t feel guilty about it. But I would not want my own daughter asking my friends/neighbors to support her health goals/pet charities.

good point you make about the free training. i commented that she was getting nothing and i was wrong. she did state she wanted the training.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 1/12/2009 10:04:12 AM
Author: crown1
i don''t think your mother is uncharitable from her response. we would not allow our daughter to sell things for school or other clubs or organizations in our neighborhood. we were willing to make a donation to causes we felt were worthwhile but felt that using kids to peddle (things that people usually did not want or weren''t worth the price) to neighbors, friends or family was not the thing. same for asking for money as we felt they could choose to support who they wish. i have many times turned down pleas via phone and mail asking me to collect for one charity or another in my neighborhood. i just can''t ask people for money.

i choose to give to many charitable causes but prefer to do it myself. i understand why these things are set up this way but feel you should give your contribution and let others give their own. by that i mean the universal you not you personally. i give nothing to stores who ask for my money to donate in their name for a tax perk. i understand you are getting nothing from this and just trying to help. as a parent i just think you should tap your friends and neighbors not your parents since she has strong feelings about it.

i am totally for helping out just not in this way. an elderly gentleman in our church got up and asked for support in a walk for hunger. he stated he needed one hundred dollars and ten sponsors. he said he had the one hundred dollars just needed the ten sponsors. i felt compelled to be a sponsor since he was putting up the one hundred and his advanced age did not stop him from a winter walk to help others. i still don''t like this way of fund raising and would not ask myself. i have walked in charity walks but made a contribution and had no sponsors.

For a minute I thought I wrote this post! Ditto to all of it! We give to certain church and charity causes that we are very committed to, and I generally never solicit money from others nor do we allow our kids to do so.