sad

[dragonfly411]

Indy - Can''t say I do... are you in FL?

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 5/19/2010 2:01:59 PM
Author: monarch64

Date: 5/19/2010 1:48:29 PM
Author: sunnyd
DF, you''ve said that your past relationships have sucked. And now you feel like you''re in a good relationship finally, so you don''t want to let that go. I get that completely! But just because the relationship doesn''t suck, doesn''t mean it''s right. I really hope you think about that before investing more time and effort into something that may not be worth it.

ETA: If you do decide to let him go and find the right person for you, you''ll understand what Freke, Monnie, Rai and I have been saying. That sounds like a motherly thing to say (my mom said it to me after I broke up with the BF I mentioned above, that she knew it would end) but it''s true. It''s very much an ''oh, this is how it should be'' kinda thing. And guess what? He won''t want to change a thing about you.

There isn''t a large enough font or bold enough color to emphasize that statement further!!!!! There are people out there who will CELEBRATE all the great things about you, everything that makes Dragonfly, Dragonfly.

Right? I didn''t realize that until I started dating my (now) husband. We fit together. No change required. Like it should be.

All the best DF.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Hugs. You''ve been given great advice. I won''t add anything else, but just a big, fat ditto to Monarch and sunnyd. You''re a smart girl and you will be OK regardless of what happens.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 5/19/2010 2:13:34 PM
Author: dragonfly411
Indy - Can't say I do... are you in FL?

Are you anywhere near UNF?

 

[dragonfly411]

Indy - nope closer to UF

And thank you again everyone, please know I am taking everything you''ve said to heart.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/19/2010 5:25:01 PM
Author: dragonfly411
Indy - nope closer to UF


And thank you again everyone, please know I am taking everything you've said to heart.

Please keep us updated. As I said before, I don't really know you, but I certainly CAN relate to being in very similar shoes. And I recall how confusing it can be!

As sunny mentioned earlier though....when it's right it just is RIGHT. It FEELS right. It FITS right. There isn't all this confusion or pain or frustration and so on. Yes, there are challenges...but again, you are working as a team and even the challenge is an enjoyable experience. And, the challenges are different. Not about power struggles...more about learning together while respecting each other and being compassionate for your differences, not about trying to change or fix each other or yourself, more about standing together against the challenges life throws at you (like in-laws!) and so on. It too took me meeting my now-husband to really understand just how easy (and nurturing, and accepting, and honest, and freeing, and fun, and so on!) a healthy, loving relationship can be. It really cast all my past relationships - though I regret none of them - in a whole new light I could not see beforehand.

Good luck. You sound like a very beautiful soul....and I don't want to sound like a crotchety old woman either....but there is so much joy that can be found in life...and I hate to see you miss out on it by staying in a relationship or experience that is preventing you from experiencing that joy. Life can be tough at times...we don't need to choose relationships that make it tougher!

 

[princesss]

DF, I''m going to give you the exact same advice I gave my best friend a few weeks ago when we had a very similar conversation: just because you''ve got 4 years of good memories doesn''t mean this is the healthiest relationship for you to be in. 4 years is a long time, but if you''re not happy and you feel like you need to change yourself to make the realtionship work, you''re forcing a square peg in a round hole. Breaking up sucks. It really, really sucks. Nobody hear will lie to you about that. But the right relationship is like your own little miracle - everything clicks into place and you say, "Oh. Oh wow. THIS is how things should be. This is easy!"

It sounds like you two just might not work anymore. That''s okay. It''s hard, but it''s okay. It means you''ve gotten 4 great years, and that''s something to be really proud of. But when you constantly have to work at a relationship it''s exhausting, and it wears you down, and you become resentful. Your quality of life goes down and life just plain sucks. And then there''s the complicated disentanglement that you have to go through because you let yourself commit more (because you''re really going to work at things and you force yourself to try to find a way to reconcile your irreconcilable differences because that''s what adults who love each other do) and put more into a relationship that just does not work.

Love isn''t always enough. It has to be backed up with shared interests, mutual respect, understanding, independence AND interdependence, and friendship. The conversations with your BF that you talk about here constantly make me feel like things just don''t fit - you''re different people, you want different things, you''re at different stages of life. That doesn''t make you bad people, or mean you have a bad relationship. It means it''s not right. We''ve all tried to make a bad relationship work, and we''ll all be here for you either way this works out.

During this break or step back or whatever you want to call it put yourself first. Not you as his GF, not you as a potential marriage partner, just plain you. Do what you want to do, go where you want to go, be who you want to be. Set yourself free for a little while, okay? It''ll feel great and help you realize what you really want. And honestly, the best way to do this is with at least separate bedrooms, but better with separate residences. Can you sublet for the summer? Having your own space without his presence and expectations is going to help you figure yourself out way more than if you''re still sharing a bed with him.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 5/19/2010 5:25:01 PM
Author: dragonfly411
Indy - nope closer to UF


And thank you again everyone, please know I am taking everything you''ve said to heart.

Drats! Let me know if you''re ever in the neighborhood though

.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 5/19/2010 6:00:59 PM
Author: princesss
DF, I''m going to give you the exact same advice I gave my best friend a few weeks ago when we had a very similar conversation: just because you''ve got 4 years of good memories doesn''t mean this is the healthiest relationship for you to be in. 4 years is a long time, but if you''re not happy and you feel like you need to change yourself to make the realtionship work, you''re forcing a square peg in a round hole. Breaking up sucks. It really, really sucks. Nobody hear will lie to you about that. But the right relationship is like your own little miracle - everything clicks into place and you say, ''Oh. Oh wow. THIS is how things should be. This is easy!''


It sounds like you two just might not work anymore. That''s okay. It''s hard, but it''s okay. It means you''ve gotten 4 great years, and that''s something to be really proud of. But when you constantly have to work at a relationship it''s exhausting, and it wears you down, and you become resentful. Your quality of life goes down and life just plain sucks. And then there''s the complicated disentanglement that you have to go through because you let yourself commit more (because you''re really going to work at things and you force yourself to try to find a way to reconcile your irreconcilable differences because that''s what adults who love each other do) and put more into a relationship that just does not work.


Love isn''t always enough. It has to be backed up with shared interests, mutual respect, understanding, independence AND interdependence, and friendship. The conversations with your BF that you talk about here constantly make me feel like things just don''t fit - you''re different people, you want different things, you''re at different stages of life. That doesn''t make you bad people, or mean you have a bad relationship. It means it''s not right. We''ve all tried to make a bad relationship work, and we''ll all be here for you either way this works out.


During this break or step back or whatever you want to call it put yourself first. Not you as his GF, not you as a potential marriage partner, just plain you. Do what you want to do, go where you want to go, be who you want to be. Set yourself free for a little while, okay? It''ll feel great and help you realize what you really want. And honestly, the best way to do this is with at least separate bedrooms, but better with separate residences. Can you sublet for the summer? Having your own space without his presence and expectations is going to help you figure yourself out way more than if you''re still sharing a bed with him.

This is exactly what I wanted to say this whole time. I had actually written out a whole post, but felt like it wasn''t the time yet to "talk" and it would be best to offer my support instead.

Your first post made me feel like your blaming your relationship problems on yourself: you''re clingy, you''re insecure, you''re argumentative, you''re stubborn. Those are quite a lot of negative qualities to attribute to yourself, and it sounds like a huge burden to carry. I think it would be a good idea to take a moment to list all of your good qualities, all of the things that make you amazing, and to separate your identity from your relationship problems. Lots and lots and lots of hugs. Are there people or places that just make you feel fabulous? I think its time to visit those people and those places to remind yourself of who you really are, because I don''t think its the person you''re describing. Again, hugs and chocolates and lots of positive dust for you.

 

[luckynumber]

well, i was in a relationship with a guy whom i loved very much.

at the start it was great.

but we both changed, and wanted different things in life.

we had 4 years together, with a LOT of great memories, but it wasn''t working anymore. i still loved him, but we always argued. if we had shared interests, we would have kept going but those interests diverged.

hardest thing i ever did was leave him. love was not enough.

everyone thought i was crazy, he was such a good guy, even my family thought i would never find anyone else.

i was on my own for 2 years. i wont lie, sometimes it was really hard.

i made it out the other end, stronger.

i did not settle.

and i am so glad i didn''t.

 

[KittyGolightly]

I had a similar experience to luckynumber''s. I dated a guy that I met on the first day of college for 9 years. When we finally broke up, I remember thinking, "I''ve spent my entire adult life with this man."

It was frightening and awful. In the long run though, it was for the best for both of us. I would guess that most women on this board who have been through similar situations would say the same.

Your 20s can be so isolating. Friends move out of town, or get married and (understandably) super-involved in their own family lives. To make connections with other people takes so much more effort than in college or high schoool.

I know everyone is different, but I''ll tell you what I wish I had done when I was younger. I wish I had done *less* things with my boyfriend. I wish I hadn''t involved him in every aspect of my life. My advice to you is to maintain your own sense of self. Develop your own interests and your own friends. And, above all, get your butt out of the house and have some fun while you''re young and gorgeous.

I wish you all the best. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, so I know you''re going to be fine, but I really do sympathize. It''s a hard situation to be in.

 

[16ocean]

"Love isn''t always enough. It has to be backed up with shared interests, mutual respect, understanding, independence AND interdependence, and friendship" -So true!

What you are going through now is a one of rough times in life -sigh-. Hugs out to you DF.

 

[princesss]

Oh goodness - please forgive all the typos and awkwardly worded sentences in my original post! I was in a rush while I was writing it.

I have been worrying about you for a while, DF, so I hope my post didn''t seem like it was coming out of nowhere. You''re a sweet girl and I''d really hate to see you let yourself get worn down by trying to make something work that is just fundamentally wrong - you''re a sweet person, and I think if you just let yourself be you without explanation or apology, and just embrace who you are you''ll have fun and be a lot happier than your posts have been lately.

 

[lilyfoot]

I''m so sorry, dragonfly411.

As other women here have also shared, I know what it''s like to hang on to a relationship for too long.

That is all time wasted, dragonfly411, time that could, and should, be spent bettering yourself, working on your personal goals, moving forward with your life!

Keep us updated, we''re here for you!

 

[Grlsbestfrnd]

It sounds like just a bump in the road. A lot of times a small step back like this can really help a relationship grow so you can see how much you love each other.

Just remember to relax and let the small things go. Good luck, I hope things turn out well for you.

 

[Lilac]

My parents got divorced when I was a little girl and I grew up worrying I would never want to get married because of what I saw of their marriage (and the aftermath of it). Then I watched them both remarry and neither seems that happy (my stepmom is a wonderful woman - I think my father just has trouble sometimes not being in "control", and my mother is unhappy because my stepfather is not a very nice person). Throughout the beginning of my teenage years I had a fear of commitment and worried that I would *never* want to get married because I was so scared of getting divorced or being in an unhappy marriage.

Then I met my husband and everything changed. Right after we started dating I wanted to marry him. Right away. I never even had a second thought - we never broke up, took a break, and we never feared that our marriage would not "work out." My fears of commitment from before I met him COMPLETELY disappeared once we were together. Yes, we fought (and still do), but we always felt like a team working together towards the same goals. Relationships do take work, but I think when it''s right it just *feels* right even during the hard times because you''re always working together to make things better. If you feel like it''s a constant struggle and he''s still *that* afraid of commitment after all these years, maybe it''s not right...

But you''re in the relationship and none of us on PS are, so if you still feel you need to give it more of a chance, then I really truly do hope it works out for you. I know this is probably a really difficult time for you, so I want to send you *hugs* - I hope things get better soon.

 

[Steel]

Sorry you are having issues at the moment DF.

You know you don''t have to agree all the time and you certainly don''t have to like each other every second of every day.

A younger couple will make more adjustments along the way than an older couple; juct because you are each growing up. Take a step back and see what happens.

Not everybody wants to be engaged by 23, it is still considered by some to be ''too young''.

There is plenty of time ahead of you both.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Relationships are all about the ebb and flow. As you said, you''re young and when you''re young, often times a lot of really wonderful things can happen when you take the time to step back and reflect.

I wish you both the best...and I''m so sorry you''re sad.

 

[bee*]

Sorry to hear that things aren''t going great df. I started dating my DH when I was 17 so I understand what it''s like to go out with someone for that long when you''re young and it can be hard to think of being with someone else. I agree with others in that I think all relationships go though some periods when things aren''t as good as they can be, but I think that you really need to think about what''s happening in your relationship. It''s important to be yourself in your relationship and when your SO isn''t happy with you, then I would seriously think hard before setting up a future together. When you''re in a relationship that gels, then it''s not hard work. You won''t need to change a thing about yourself and your SO will love you as you are. It''s worth holding out for.