Rude/Funny

[vc10um]

Hi,

Its more dumb than anything. 5 hrs is too much to drive for this gal.


If its OK may I ask you ladies a question on engagements. Are gifts given upon announcement? At an engagement party?. I fall in the dumb class here.

I got an email announcing an engagement. I didn't send a gift, but now am wondering if I should have.


Thanks,

Annette

I can consult my Emily Post when I get home, but from my recollection, not for an engagement. You CAN but it's not an expectation or "requirement" if you will. If you are super close to the couple or one of the parties, you can, if you so choose, but it's not generally an occurrence unless it's a cultural thing.

Annette, I'm with ame. When we got engaged, I was surprised and happy to receive a few cards from close friends, and my mom purchased us our KitchenAid, which was part engagement, part bridal shower gift. I don't think you are expected to send anything but congratulations and good wishes to the newly engaged couple. If you feel compelled, you can send along a gift at any time, but when my friends have gotten engaged, we've just gone out for a drink with the girls or dinner with the couple to celebrate, which I think is more than sufficient!

chemgirl, I'd skip the parties and send a card...possibly a gift if you still feel close enough to her to do so, but I'd keep it small. Like circe said, the mind boggles. I can't even begin to imagine how she thought a Save the Date was just an announcement, or that it was appropriate to invite people to the shower or bachelorette party that aren't invited to the wedding...oy.

 

[chemgirl]

ETA: I guess my question here is: am I still obliged to go to everything else? I already RSVPed to the shower, but its a 5 hour drive each way and when I said I'd go I thought I was actually invited to the wedding!

Nope, and you're not required to gift her a damn thing either. WOW the poor etiquette. This is a clear gift grab, to me anyway. She is wanting gifts from the shower, and the bach parties but doesn't get that you don't invite anyone to those that isn't included in the wedding.

Also, 126 people, and through FB? WOW. Inappropriate.

Typing on my phone so hope I make sense. The 126 people on Facebook were invited to the stag and does which is a local name for a "help me pay for my wedding" fundraiser. The couple charges for entry, charges for drinks, and sells raffle tickets at the event. There are usually games that you pay to play. It has become almost a tradition in my home town. For example: its customary to have a wishing well for people to throw their change in. Then you can buy tickets for the well, emptied of course.

To me it makes sense for young couples, but not established people in their thirties. I now live in a larger center and my circle of.friends view these parties as rude.

 

[Autumnovember]

Whaaaaaaat?!

Don't bother with the shower. She doesn't deserve your presence.

 

[Kaleigh]

I didn't read all the comments, but how old is this woman?? She is clueless!! You don't owe her one thing!! Wow indeed!!!

 

[Kunzite]

chemgirl, I'm dying to know how the conversation went when you found out you weren't invited. How does that even go, hey where's my invitation? Can you imagine how many people are likely sitting around wondering when they'll get the details?

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

ETA: I guess my question here is: am I still obliged to go to everything else? I already RSVPed to the shower, but its a 5 hour drive each way and when I said I'd go I thought I was actually invited to the wedding!

Nope, and you're not required to gift her a damn thing either. WOW the poor etiquette. This is a clear gift grab, to me anyway. She is wanting gifts from the shower, and the bach parties but doesn't get that you don't invite anyone to those that isn't included in the wedding.

Also, 126 people, and through FB? WOW. Inappropriate.

Typing on my phone so hope I make sense. The 126 people on Facebook were invited to the stag and does which is a local name for a "help me pay for my wedding" fundraiser. The couple charges for entry, charges for drinks, and sells raffle tickets at the event. There are usually games that you pay to play. It has become almost a tradition in my home town. For example: its customary to have a wishing well for people to throw their change in. Then you can buy tickets for the well, emptied of course.

To me it makes sense for young couples, but not established people in their thirties. I now live in a larger center and my circle of.friends view these parties as rude.

I've never heard of these kinds of parties...but yeah, I say this is kind of rude as well! Although it does make more sense for a younger crowd. here I thought you were referring to stag and does as a type of bachelor/bachelorette kind of thing.

 

[tammy77]

"Oh sorry, I can't make it to those events. DH and I need to figure out what we want to do with our free weekend since he passed on a work conference to STD for your wedding, as requested." A nice "I think we'll take a cruise..." would be an added bonus zinger!

 

[JewelFreak]

I'm with Stacy! Crude idea at any age. Asking your "friends" to bankroll your wedding is horribly grubby. Why not spare everyone the trouble of going out & just send them a bill? Then tell them not to bother getting dressed up for the ceremony, stay home & simply send presents.

Smitcompton, no, you don't send gifts for an engagement annoucement. In fact, engagement announcements shouldn't be sent at all unless they're an invitation to an engagement party (no gifts for these either). To real friends you can't invite (not including your whole FB contact list ), people with good manners send a marriage announcement, posted at the same time as the wedding invitations.

Presents should be sent after you receive an invitation to the wedding, if you plan to go -- and NOT taken to the event itself. If you don't attend or get only an announcement, you needn't give a present unless you want to. A note with good wishes is enough.

--- Laurie

 

[amc80]

"Oh sorry, I can't make it to those events. DH and I need to figure out what we want to do with our free weekend since he passed on a work conference to STD for your wedding, as requested." A nice "I think we'll take a cruise..." would be an added bonus zinger!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO THIS!!!

OMG, awesome.

 

[monarch64]

Wow, giant faux pas. Poor thing. I would not attend the shower. I would definitely send a congratulatory/best wishes card to the couple (no gift included) to be polite and acknowledge their marriage, but that's it.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

Thank you one and all for the information. I feel better. I really was worried I should send a gift. When I was young we did have engagement parties, but I don't remember if we were expected to bring gifts. Somehow I don't think so. It was too share the special occasion.

Thanks again and sorry for the threadjack.


Annette
r

 

[ame]

ETA: I guess my question here is: am I still obliged to go to everything else? I already RSVPed to the shower, but its a 5 hour drive each way and when I said I'd go I thought I was actually invited to the wedding!

Nope, and you're not required to gift her a damn thing either. WOW the poor etiquette. This is a clear gift grab, to me anyway. She is wanting gifts from the shower, and the bach parties but doesn't get that you don't invite anyone to those that isn't included in the wedding.

Also, 126 people, and through FB? WOW. Inappropriate.

Typing on my phone so hope I make sense. The 126 people on Facebook were invited to the stag and does which is a local name for a "help me pay for my wedding" fundraiser. The couple charges for entry, charges for drinks, and sells raffle tickets at the event. There are usually games that you pay to play. It has become almost a tradition in my home town. For example: its customary to have a wishing well for people to throw their change in. Then you can buy tickets for the well, emptied of course.

To me it makes sense for young couples, but not established people in their thirties. I now live in a larger center and my circle of.friends view these parties as rude.

I have a feeling you can guess what my response was when I read this. If not let me let you all know. It started with an OMG, followed with a FUUUU and ended with an CK THAT! lol! NO. NOT OK. That is not acceptable, period. In any culture, any age group, any locality. I don't get these "trends" of organized greed.

I am starting to see why my friends and family were telling me I need to write the "things you should know but apparently need to be told" book I was talking about. I might not be the most well versed in most situations (I need a damn finishing school, and a starting school, too), but about wedding stuff, I seem to be pretty damn good at that. I am seriously appalled by the ideas I hear from people that don't really "get" why it's not ok, and why it's rude, crude, and otherwise inappropriate, even in "modern times".

 

[chemgirl]

ETA: I guess my question here is: am I still obliged to go to everything else? I already RSVPed to the shower, but its a 5 hour drive each way and when I said I'd go I thought I was actually invited to the wedding!

Nope, and you're not required to gift her a damn thing either. WOW the poor etiquette. This is a clear gift grab, to me anyway. She is wanting gifts from the shower, and the bach parties but doesn't get that you don't invite anyone to those that isn't included in the wedding.

Also, 126 people, and through FB? WOW. Inappropriate.

Typing on my phone so hope I make sense. The 126 people on Facebook were invited to the stag and does which is a local name for a "help me pay for my wedding" fundraiser. The couple charges for entry, charges for drinks, and sells raffle tickets at the event. There are usually games that you pay to play. It has become almost a tradition in my home town. For example: its customary to have a wishing well for people to throw their change in. Then you can buy tickets for the well, emptied of course.

To me it makes sense for young couples, but not established people in their thirties. I now live in a larger center and my circle of.friends view these parties as rude.

I have a feeling you can guess what my response was when I read this. If not let me let you all know. It started with an OMG, followed with a FUUUU and ended with an CK THAT! lol! NO. NOT OK. That is not acceptable, period. In any culture, any age group, any locality. I don't get these "trends" of organized greed.

I am starting to see why my friends and family were telling me I need to write the "things you should know but apparently need to be told" book I was talking about. I might not be the most well versed in most situations (I need a damn finishing school, and a starting school, too), but about wedding stuff, I seem to be pretty damn good at that. I am seriously appalled by the ideas I hear from people that don't really "get" why it's not ok, and why it's rude, crude, and otherwise inappropriate, even in "modern times".

I totally agree with you. You should really write that book. I'd buy a box of them and hand them out whenever I'm in a situation like this one.

I hate the idea of a Stag and Doe (or Buck and Doe where I currently live) party. My view is that you should have whatever wedding you can afford, end of story. If that means waiting a few years, so be it.

My "Big City" friends generally see it as something trashy. They would be horrified if someone planned one for them (sometimes these things are surprise parties lol). It does seem to be gaining popularity though and almost everyone in my hometown does them now. My sister is getting married this summer and made me promise not to let anyone throw one for her.

The old receptionist at work sent out a company-wide email inviting everyone to her Buck and Doe. I felt like walking up to her desk and shaking her. It just put everyone on the spot to buy tickets and led to general awkwardness. I was in a meeting with the CEO when the email went out and he stopped to ask me what it was all about. He'd never heard of a Buck and Doe before and his response was "Have your friends pay for your wedding. What a scam."

 

[lulu]

Absolutely not. Not only wouldn't I go I would *not* send a gift. Instead I would send her a card telling her you are sorry you won't be able to make either event and wishing her the very best. No gift. I wouldn't want to reinforce her bad manners. A save the date card is for those invited to the wedding hence the save the date info. Otherwise it's a moot point and there needs to be no saving of that date! She caused more than a minor inconvenience to your dh- so rude.

This!

 

[amc80]

The old receptionist at work sent out a company-wide email inviting everyone to her Buck and Doe. I felt like walking up to her desk and shaking her. It just put everyone on the spot to buy tickets and led to general awkwardness. I was in a meeting with the CEO when the email went out and he stopped to ask me what it was all about. He'd never heard of a Buck and Doe before and his response was "Have your friends pay for your wedding. What a scam."

I always thought a stag/buck and doe party was just a British/Aussie/Kiwi name for a bachelor/bachelorette party. But there are tickets people have to buy? This is as bad as a money dance. Ick.

 

[Haven]

I am starting to see why my friends and family were telling me I need to write the "things you should know but apparently need to be told" book I was talking about. I might not be the most well versed in most situations (I need a damn finishing school, and a starting school, too), but about wedding stuff, I seem to be pretty damn good at that. I am seriously appalled by the ideas I hear from people that don't really "get" why it's not ok, and why it's rude, crude, and otherwise inappropriate, even in "modern times".

The Etiquette Grrls wrote two similar books! They're a bit old now, (the books, not the grrls) so you could write the modern version!
http://www.etiquettegrrls.com/pages/books.html

 

[chemgirl]

The old receptionist at work sent out a company-wide email inviting everyone to her Buck and Doe. I felt like walking up to her desk and shaking her. It just put everyone on the spot to buy tickets and led to general awkwardness. I was in a meeting with the CEO when the email went out and he stopped to ask me what it was all about. He'd never heard of a Buck and Doe before and his response was "Have your friends pay for your wedding. What a scam."

I always thought a stag/buck and doe party was just a British/Aussie/Kiwi name for a bachelor/bachelorette party. But there are tickets people have to buy? This is as bad as a money dance. Ick.

Wikipedia to the rescue! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stag_and_doe

Apparently in the US this is called a Stag and Drag party? My experience is Southern and Northern Ontario.

Hmmm, according to Wikipedia you're not expected to limit the guest list to only people invited to the wedding. Shower etiquette is still off!

 

[amc80]

The old receptionist at work sent out a company-wide email inviting everyone to her Buck and Doe. I felt like walking up to her desk and shaking her. It just put everyone on the spot to buy tickets and led to general awkwardness. I was in a meeting with the CEO when the email went out and he stopped to ask me what it was all about. He'd never heard of a Buck and Doe before and his response was "Have your friends pay for your wedding. What a scam."

I always thought a stag/buck and doe party was just a British/Aussie/Kiwi name for a bachelor/bachelorette party. But there are tickets people have to buy? This is as bad as a money dance. Ick.

Wikipedia to the rescue! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stag_and_doe

Apparently in the US this is called a Stag and Drag party? My experience is Southern and Northern Ontario.

Hmmm, according to Wikipedia you're not expected to limit the guest list to only people invited to the wedding. Shower etiquette is still off!

Hmm, I've never heard of that, and I've only been married a year!

 

[zoebartlett]

That's so strange. What were you supposed to save the date for if she wasn't going to invite you? (I read her explanation that she thought it was an announcement, but really, what else could SAVE THE DATE mean?)

I'd be annoyed. If I was in your situation, I wouldn't go to the shower. Those are things people go to if they've been invited to the wedding. This is just odd.

 

[chemgirl]

chemgirl, I'm dying to know how the conversation went when you found out you weren't invited. How does that even go, hey where's my invitation? Can you imagine how many people are likely sitting around wondering when they'll get the details?

Me: "Hey so your wedding is coming up soon! How's everything coming together?"

Her: "Great! Dress is in, tasting was fantastic ... and so on"

Me: "So um, I just want to let you know that I didn't get my invitation. Maybe it went to my old address?"

Her: "Ugh, everyone keeps assuming they're invited! I have a big family, I can't invite everyone from highschool. I'm sorry if you thought you were invited. I'll see if I can add you after I get all of the RSVPs back."

Me: "Oh, sorry, I just thought I was invited because you sent me a Save the Date card. Usually you only send those to people you plan to invite."

Her: "No, its like putting a wedding announcement in the newspaper. You want people to know, but they're not all invited."

Me: "I'm pretty sure it says "Save the Date" because people are supposed to keep the day free for your wedding"

Her: "I'll ask my wedding planner."

Me: "Ok..."

 

[zoebartlett]

Chemgirl, I've never heard of Stag/Buck and Doe parties. I'm all for respecting different cultures and and regional differences, but this one is something I don't get.

 

[chemgirl]

Chemgirl, I've never heard of Stag/Buck and Doe parties. I'm all for respecting different cultures and and regional differences, but this one is something I don't get.

I can sort of understand when its a younger couple who are just starting out. I'm starting to see older couples do it more and more often and I just shake my head.

This particular couple is getting married in the most expensive venue in town. They hired a wedding planner. So why not just do something smaller and nix the charity event?

 

[tammy77]

chemgirl, I'm dying to know how the conversation went when you found out you weren't invited. How does that even go, hey where's my invitation? Can you imagine how many people are likely sitting around wondering when they'll get the details?

Me: "Hey so your wedding is coming up soon! How's everything coming together?"

Her: "Great! Dress is in, tasting was fantastic ... and so on"

Me: "So um, I just want to let you know that I didn't get my invitation. Maybe it went to my old address?"

Her: "Ugh, everyone keeps assuming they're invited! I have a big family, I can't invite everyone from highschool. I'm sorry if you thought you were invited. I'll see if I can add you after I get all of the RSVPs back."

Me: "Oh, sorry, I just thought I was invited because you sent me a Save the Date card. Usually you only send those to people you plan to invite."

Her: "No, its like putting a wedding announcement in the newspaper. You want people to know, but they're not all invited."

Me: "I'm pretty sure it says "Save the Date" because people are supposed to keep the day free for your wedding"

Her: "I'll ask my wedding planner."

Me: "Ok..."

Eh at this point I wouldn't even WANT to go and I'm guessing you wouldn't either. Let her "big family" fund her wedding and give her gifts. Send her a wedding card sans money/gift and call it a day. If she gets upset with you, she's in the wrong (again)! It takes a special person to not "get" the phrase SAVE THE DATE. Why are you saving it if you aren't doing anything on it? Oh and if she needs a wedding planner ($$$ to hire...) to tell her she's rude, she's hopeless!

 

[amc80]

Her: "No, its like putting a wedding announcement in the newspaper. You want people to know, but they're not all invited."

Wrong. Not to mention that a wedding announcement (birth/graduation) happens after the event. "Hey, we got married/had a baby/graduated! Just thought we'd share the news!"

That's very different from "Hey, save the date, I'm getting married! But you're on the B list. Sorry."

 

[ame]

emily post on bachelor/ette parties. Note that it states that guests of this party are invited to the wedding.

 

[ame]

OK...here are shots from Emily Post.

RE: Save the Dates:




RE: Engagement Party Gifts:

 

[ame]

As far as STD:
That is pretty clearly intended to alert an intended invitee to be prepared to receive the formal invitation.

An announcement, insofar as she's describing it, does not go out until AFTER the wedding has taken place. You can send the announcement to the paper, sure, that's a public announcement. The ones you mail to people who were B, C and D list, those go out after you've been married.


Re: Inviting People You Aren't Actually Close With/Gift Grab:

 

[KaeKae]

chemgirl, I'm dying to know how the conversation went when you found out you weren't invited. How does that even go, hey where's my invitation? Can you imagine how many people are likely sitting around wondering when they'll get the details?

Me: "Hey so your wedding is coming up soon! How's everything coming together?"

Her: "Great! Dress is in, tasting was fantastic ... and so on"

Me: "So um, I just want to let you know that I didn't get my invitation. Maybe it went to my old address?"

Her: "Ugh, everyone keeps assuming they're invited! I have a big family, I can't invite everyone from highschool. I'm sorry if you thought you were invited. I'll see if I can add you after I get all of the RSVPs back."

Me: "Oh, sorry, I just thought I was invited because you sent me a Save the Date card. Usually you only send those to people you plan to invite."

Her: "No, its like putting a wedding announcement in the newspaper. You want people to know, but they're not all invited."

Me: "I'm pretty sure it says "Save the Date" because people are supposed to keep the day free for your wedding"

Her: "I'll ask my wedding planner."

Me: "Ok..."

Is any one else thinking: BS?

I just can't help but believe that this chick knows very well what "Save the Date" means. Either she/they have run out of money, or originally planned for more people than can be accommodated, or some other crazy thing has happened. I don't want to think it's the gift grab-itis, but with the other parties planned, it's hard to ignore that possibility, too. Yeah, okay,, it's a big one. And, I love the part that she's going to ask the wedding planner. Yes, go ahead and blame her.

Sometimes, weddings just bring out the best in people, don't they?

 

[JewelFreak]

Not only do those parties disgust me, but i HATE that name, Stag & Doe. YUCK!

So how is the expensive wedding planner earning her dough? Her job is to educate young ladies like this one who haven't had the advantage of being able to read an ettiquette book on what's acceptable. Maybe she's waiting for the Cat & Dog...er...S & D...party & its loot before she coughs up any real help.

--- Laurie

 

[hippi_pixi]

i ditto everyone who said they'd be pissed and wouldn't go. how rude is this girl!