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So_happy

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I remember reading awhile back here on PS that, in order to minimize guests bringing uninvited guests, they worded thier rsvp card a certain way. I tried a search with some keywords and got so many hits that I''ve now read thru an hour of posts about guests and thier inability to decipher wedding invitations that I am now very sure I want to remember what this wording was!!! I''ve already had an incident where one of my bms thought it would be perfectly ok to bring a guest for her guest.....to keep her first guest entertained while she did bm stuff
. She was literally shocked that I had to to say ''no''.
. And I JUST sent std''s. Invitations won''t go out for a good 4 months!!!!

I''m presently looking thru invitation wording options and for the rsvp, it usually simply says "Please respond by xyz" and then only M_____ and then Number of guests attending _________. (or similar)

I want it to say "Please respond by xyz" and "Remember....only the individuals specifically named on this envelope are invited!" (lol)

Any ideas how to word this?

Thank you!!!
 

JulieN

Super_Ideal_Rock
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My idea: send one RSVP card for each guest, and
instead of Mr. and Mrs. Tom Smith,
you write the individual guest's name on the card
and then write will/will not attend, and they are supposed to circle it. checkboxes could be more clear, but is a litlte more cluttered.
 

goldenstar

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I just saw an RSVP card today that looked kinda like this:

M___________________

___ seats have been reserved for you.

___ accepts with pleasure

___ declines with regret

So the bride or whoever filled in the number of "reserved seats". I thought that was pretty clever. Its subtle but effective.
 

Blenheim

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I like JulieN''s wording the best.

I''ve seen the wording that Goldenstar mentioned and similar ones (i.e. "_____ out of ____ will attend", and you fill in the second blank) but I''ve also read of problems arising from it. Evidently some people (probably the ones who would RSVP for too many, anyway) respond with "4 out of 2 will attend". I think a bride posting on some website or another sent invites to some couples, saying that 2 seats had been reserved in their honor, and got the response card back with the name of one member of the couple and then a random person because the other member couldn''t attend. She didn''t want the random person there, but it''s a lot harder to call up and say that they can''t bring the extra person when you told them that two spaces are reserved for them. If they didn''t know that you were planning on two, then you could say something about how you''d love to have everyone be able to come, but there just isn''t enough space in the venue, etc.
 

zoebartlett

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Date: 2/11/2007 11:56:35 AM
Author: Blenheim
I like JulieN''s wording the best.

I''ve seen the wording that Goldenstar mentioned and similar ones (i.e. ''_____ out of ____ will attend'', and you fill in the second blank) but I''ve also read of problems arising from it. Evidently some people (probably the ones who would RSVP for too many, anyway) respond with ''4 out of 2 will attend''. I think a bride posting on some website or another sent invites to some couples, saying that 2 seats had been reserved in their honor, and got the response card back with the name of one member of the couple and then a random person because the other member couldn''t attend. She didn''t want the random person there, but it''s a lot harder to call up and say that they can''t bring the extra person when you told them that two spaces are reserved for them. If they didn''t know that you were planning on two, then you could say something about how you''d love to have everyone be able to come, but there just isn''t enough space in the venue, etc.
I agree with JulieN and Blenheim. It seems as though there''d be less confusion with that option. Let us know what you decide.
 

cara

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Ettiquette nazis will say that nothing will prevent rude people from ignoring your efforts and adding more people. Some knottie had written: " __ of 2 guests will attend" on the RSVP card and some people sent it back with "4 of 2 guests will attend" and whatnot.

Anyway, I guess you may clue in some of the moderately clueless that it is not an open invitation, but the truly clueless will remain so until you call them up and inform them after they have ignored your previous efforts. So is it worth being heavyhanded on your invite.... I don''t know.
 

JCJD

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This was a question posed to Dear Abby a few months ago, and here''s an answer I liked. RSVP''s would have to be done by telephone or email so people would know where to go, but I think it would be a classy way to hit this message home.



"ABBY: Here''s my solution. It serves me well and always works.
I hit upon it when my kids were little, and we never knew
whether to expect 10 or 30 for a party.

I send out invitations for the occasion with the date -- but
not the time. For a wedding, I would give the date and time,
but not the location, and add the word "only" on the
invitations to those who are not encouraged to bring a guest.
I also note, "We''ll miss you if you cannot RSVP by ( )." To
anyone too busy to call within the two weeks I give them, we
extend our sincere and heartfelt regrets if they do call late.

This may seem a bit harsh, I know, but it is done with a
bit of humor, and no one to date has fussed. They all know
they should respond within a given time, and we have wonder-
ful turnouts to all our parties and such."
 

So_happy

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Date: 2/11/2007 2:34:03 AM
Author: goldenstar
I just saw an RSVP card today that looked kinda like this:

M___________________

___ seats have been reserved for you.

___ accepts with pleasure

___ declines with regret

So the bride or whoever filled in the number of ''reserved seats''. I thought that was pretty clever. Its subtle but effective.
ooohhhhhhhh............me likey :) i am 100% sure that we will be using goldenstar''s suggestion!! thank you so much :)


now, let me push my luck here.....this deals with the bringing of extra guests.........what about people subsituting a different guest for the name that''s on the invite??
 

So_happy

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Date: 2/11/2007 1:24:57 PM
Author: JCJD
This was a question posed to Dear Abby a few months ago, and here''s an answer I liked. RSVP''s would have to be done by telephone or email so people would know where to go, but I think it would be a classy way to hit this message home.



''ABBY: Here''s my solution. It serves me well and always works.
I hit upon it when my kids were little, and we never knew
whether to expect 10 or 30 for a party.

I send out invitations for the occasion with the date -- but
not the time. For a wedding, I would give the date and time,
but not the location, and add the word ''only'' on the
invitations to those who are not encouraged to bring a guest.
I also note, ''We''ll miss you if you cannot RSVP by ( ).'' To
anyone too busy to call within the two weeks I give them, we
extend our sincere and heartfelt regrets if they do call late.

This may seem a bit harsh, I know, but it is done with a
bit of humor, and no one to date has fussed. They all know
they should respond within a given time, and we have wonder-
ful turnouts to all our parties and such.''
So, these folks write "To Mr.Smith Only" on the invite? Could that extend to "To Mr. and Mrs. Smith Only"? And not giving the location helps how? So that guests have to call you personally to find out where the wedding is and you just say "we totally forgot to include that"?
 

cara

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Yeah, see I think that's a bit harsh. Maybe these people entertain a lot and they just got sick of non-committals and chasing people down so they've adopted this tack. But I think you should put all of the relevant information on the invitation. Unless maybe you are a celebrity and need to throw off the paparazzi or something. Maybe some of my relatives would be in the paparazzi category LOL.

However "subtle" or heavy-handed you want to be on the RSVP, trying to beat people over the heads with the fact that certain people were invited and certain people weren't and you need a reply by X date, etc, is really up to you. If you were going with Emily Post style etiquette you wouldn't even NEED to include an RSVP card because people are supposed to be capable of communicating their reply within a few days of the invitation. But clearly the reply cards have evolved to fill a need...
 

So_happy

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Date: 2/11/2007 1:13:53 AM
Author: JulieN
My idea: send one RSVP card for each guest, and
instead of Mr. and Mrs. Tom Smith,
you write the individual guest''s name on the card
and then write will/will not attend, and they are supposed to circle it. checkboxes could be more clear, but is a litlte more cluttered.
Julie~ I like this idea, too, but wer''e using those nifty seal-n-send type invites (most likely) so we''d have to send one invite per person in order to do this and that''s just too much I think. Although, I admit, it sounds tempting. If going this route, I''d use goldenstar''s suggestion, too, and have the rsvp cards read:

M___________ (I''d fill in thier name here myself)

a seat has been reserved for you. (notice, there is no blank here...it can be printed this way so I dont'' have to write "a" in a blank since each individual guest would get an invite (lol)

I wonder how strange they''d think I was
Can you imagine opening your mailbox to 4 separate invitations each with a member of your family''s name on it? lol.
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
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9,613
In the UK, invitations are sent jointly to couples, but invited children receive seperate individual invitations.

I really find it odd that people don''t realise how expensive weddings are and how difficult the guest list. I would never assume I was invited unless I had an invitation with my name on.
 

So_happy

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Date: 2/11/2007 4:20:07 PM
Author: Pandora II
In the UK, invitations are sent jointly to couples, but invited children receive seperate individual invitations.

I really find it odd that people don''t realise how expensive weddings are and how difficult the guest list. I would never assume I was invited unless I had an invitation with my name on.
Pandora~ I too find it odd and even disturbing. I couldn''t believe one of my BMs was just going to bring a third guest like that! And I heard about it simply in passing so had I not had that convo at that exact time...I might never have known
And now my BM thinks I''M being unreasonable because her guest will be "alone" and "bored" while she does her BM stuff. I was like "what do you think the other bridal party guests are doing? Do you think they ALL asked to bring a "playdate" for thier guest?" (well, i didnt'' SAY that but I said somethign similar but nicer).

And here is what''s REALLY firing me up.......the invited guest of another BM may not be able to make it so that BM is rumored to be "giving" her guest-that-can-not-come to the BM who wants a third guest!!!!!! WTF is all I can say!! That is why I''m trying to control this as much as I can. I can see, though, losing the desire to care after awhile but I''m gonna give it a good fight until I decide to just say "whatever"
So all of your ideas are SOOO very much appreciated!!!!!
 

JCJD

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Messages
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Date: 2/11/2007 2:40:04 PM
Author: So_happy
Date: 2/11/2007 1:24:57 PM

Author: JCJD

This was a question posed to Dear Abby a few months ago, and here''s an answer I liked. RSVP''s would have to be done by telephone or email so people would know where to go, but I think it would be a classy way to hit this message home.




''ABBY: Here''s my solution. It serves me well and always works.

I hit upon it when my kids were little, and we never knew

whether to expect 10 or 30 for a party.


I send out invitations for the occasion with the date -- but

not the time. For a wedding, I would give the date and time,

but not the location, and add the word ''only'' on the

invitations to those who are not encouraged to bring a guest.

I also note, ''We''ll miss you if you cannot RSVP by ( ).'' To

anyone too busy to call within the two weeks I give them, we

extend our sincere and heartfelt regrets if they do call late.


This may seem a bit harsh, I know, but it is done with a

bit of humor, and no one to date has fussed. They all know

they should respond within a given time, and we have wonder-

ful turnouts to all our parties and such.''

So, these folks write ''To Mr.Smith Only'' on the invite? Could that extend to ''To Mr. and Mrs. Smith Only''? And not giving the location helps how? So that guests have to call you personally to find out where the wedding is and you just say ''we totally forgot to include that''?
I''m sure you could extend the "only" for the whole family: Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Billy, Jimmy, and Suzy only.

I think that the point of not giving the location is so the no-RSVP people CAN''T show up uninvited. I''m sure it would also grab peoples'' attention and make them read the invite more closely.
 

So_happy

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Messages
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Date: 2/11/2007 5:10:54 PM
Author: JCJD

Date: 2/11/2007 2:40:04 PM
Author: So_happy

Date: 2/11/2007 1:24:57 PM

Author: JCJD

This was a question posed to Dear Abby a few months ago, and here''s an answer I liked. RSVP''s would have to be done by telephone or email so people would know where to go, but I think it would be a classy way to hit this message home.




''ABBY: Here''s my solution. It serves me well and always works.

I hit upon it when my kids were little, and we never knew

whether to expect 10 or 30 for a party.


I send out invitations for the occasion with the date -- but

not the time. For a wedding, I would give the date and time,

but not the location, and add the word ''only'' on the

invitations to those who are not encouraged to bring a guest.

I also note, ''We''ll miss you if you cannot RSVP by ( ).'' To

anyone too busy to call within the two weeks I give them, we

extend our sincere and heartfelt regrets if they do call late.


This may seem a bit harsh, I know, but it is done with a

bit of humor, and no one to date has fussed. They all know

they should respond within a given time, and we have wonder-

ful turnouts to all our parties and such.''

So, these folks write ''To Mr.Smith Only'' on the invite? Could that extend to ''To Mr. and Mrs. Smith Only''? And not giving the location helps how? So that guests have to call you personally to find out where the wedding is and you just say ''we totally forgot to include that''?
I''m sure you could extend the ''only'' for the whole family: Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Billy, Jimmy, and Suzy only.

I think that the point of not giving the location is so the no-RSVP people CAN''T show up uninvited. I''m sure it would also grab peoples'' attention and make them read the invite more closely.
JcD~ Oh, okay. That makes sense. I hadn''t thought of it that way. I sent out STDs that had our wedding website on it that in turn had our locations mentioned. I could erase that info now and hope no one remembers come invite time :) lol
 

LuckyLady

Rough_Rock
Joined
Aug 14, 2006
Messages
38
You either address it to "Jane Doe and Guest" or just Jane Doe. If no "and guest" they are not invited with one.

A better solution is only long-time significant others are invited- therefore, if you do not know the name of the SO of your BM or she does not have one, then she does not get an "and guest".


This is traditional etiquette; unfortunately, not many people these days know this.

If you do give an "and guest" then you can''t dictate who she can bring or not.

I would send a really sweet email or talk to your BM and just explain that it is very expensive and you are limiting the and guests to significant others.

If anybody RSVP''s with more than they are invited, call them and again, explain sweetly that you have a budget and you just can''t afford for them to bring a guest.

If anyone complains behind your back, it''s their problem. They probably know that they are being tacky. And if they don''t, well, it''s your wedding and you don''t have to suck up the extra expense of their tackiness.

Ouch! Sorry, this is a sore spot for me. How are people so rude these days???? (And no, I am not a mother! :) But I sound just like mine.)
 

FireGoddess

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
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Date: 2/12/2007 6:32:43 PM
Author: LuckyLady
You either address it to ''Jane Doe and Guest'' or just Jane Doe. If no ''and guest'' they are not invited with one.

A better solution is only long-time significant others are invited- therefore, if you do not know the name of the SO of your BM or she does not have one, then she does not get an ''and guest''.


This is traditional etiquette; unfortunately, not many people these days know this.
It''s tough...I invited some people as XXX person (no guest) and they still RSVPed that they were bringing guests!
If you''ve got a boyfriend, okay, but someone you aren''t dating? I mean, come on!!
 

So_happy

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Messages
1,084
I was thinking, since I can pretty much have my rsvp cards read any way I like, that I could have them say:

____ seat(s) are reserved in your honor, _____________________________
(where I would fill in the # of seats in the first blank and the invited in the second blank)

____________________ (name of guest(s) written by guest(s) themselves)

____accepts

____regrets


so, it''s pretty much a regular ole rsvp card but with an added line that hopefully makes it clear who is invited

what do we think?
 

So_happy

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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Messages
1,084
oppps, I forgot to add, this seems to make things clear especially in the case of a person being invited sans guest.


"1 seat has been reserved for you, Miss Jones"


can it BE any clearer?
 

blushingbride

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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Messages
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It's so funny I found this thread - I was just working on the wording w/ my FI on Sunday while watching the Grammys! Here's what are writing on ours:

The favour of a reply is requested

before the fourteenth of July


M______________________________________


(box) Accept with pleasure



(box) Decline with regrets


____ No. of persons attending
 

goldenstar

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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Messages
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Date: 2/12/2007 8:07:38 PM
Author: So_happy
I was thinking, since I can pretty much have my rsvp cards read any way I like, that I could have them say:


____ seat(s) are reserved in your honor, _____________________________

(where I would fill in the # of seats in the first blank and the invited in the second blank)


____________________ (name of guest(s) written by guest(s) themselves)


____accepts


____regrets



so, it''s pretty much a regular ole rsvp card but with an added line that hopefully makes it clear who is invited


what do we think?

I think thats great! Its really direct. Although I think that no matter what you do, some people are going to cross things off and add things in. I guess everyone should just be prepared to call guests anyway if they do something crazy to the RSVP card. If someone writes a name in, I don''t think its tacky to call the person and explain who was and wasn''t invited. Its YOUR wedding and you get to make all the decisions. The person who made the change is the one being rude, not you for pointing it out.

As an aside: I''m not even engaged yet and my best friend (who will be the MOH) keeps talking about finding a date for the wedding. She doesn''t have a steady BF and will likely bring someone she''s casually dating. She''s my best friend so its hard to say no to her, but I DON''T want someone I don''t know well to be at my wedding. The day is about celebrating the marriage, its not an opportunity for people to get all romantic with dates. Not to mention the expense of each guest and the fact that date would mean nothing to me. BF''s are totally fine, its just casual dates that really bug me. HAHA I''m getting all Bridezilla and I''m not even a bride. Sorry to hijack.
 

sparkel

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 22, 2006
Messages
111
Ok i read through most of the replies and as far as the bm who is going to give away her spot i vote you just go up to her and so sweetly say i''m so sorry that your guest cannnot make it I''m happy to see that I will be able to invite my good friend (insert name) who I was not able to invite because of our limited budget and venue size. I''m sorry that didnt work out for you but it will be so nice to have (insert name) there to share our special day!

muhahah, I cannot stand when people do stuff like that it''s just so tacky
good luck,
Rebecca
 

So_happy

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Date: 2/13/2007 4:12:16 PM
Author: sparkel
Ok i read through most of the replies and as far as the bm who is going to give away her spot i vote you just go up to her and so sweetly say i''m so sorry that your guest cannnot make it I''m happy to see that I will be able to invite my good friend (insert name) who I was not able to invite because of our limited budget and venue size. I''m sorry that didnt work out for you but it will be so nice to have (insert name) there to share our special day!

muhahah, I cannot stand when people do stuff like that it''s just so tacky
good luck,
Rebecca
I like that, thank you!!! I think I have an idea who I will say I am glad to have been able to invite, too :) I just have to keep in mind that BM did NOT do that yet nor do I KNOW she will..............it''s just FI and I getting all paranoid now because we have recently realized we have a group of not in-the-know (as far as weddings go anyhow) friends


The more I think about this treating weddings like keg parties thing.....I think it goes beyond money for me. Because even if I knew we had an extra spot because another guest couldn''t come, I''d still be annoyed and frustrated and still try to find a way to say ''no''.
. I think it''s me being annoyed at the inconsideration (naive or intentional may it be) to begin with!


On the flip side, I had a collegue ask me if she would be able to bring a guest and I gave my thing about having an intimate wedding and all that and she said "ok, cool, just wanted to confirm.". And that was that. And I was definitely NOT frustrated or annoyed. I wanted to HUG her for asking!!!!! How perceptive of her :)
 

So_happy

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I am starting to do some initial mockups of RSVP cards and I just thought of this one. This seems to help with the issue of guests inviting additional people not invited or subsituting another guest for the one you invited. Since this is DIY, I can print these names individually and instead of a check mark, the guest will need to circle thier decision. They don''t even need to write thier own names in this format. What do we think?


Kindly respond by July 26, 2007

Mr. John Smith joyfully accepts/regretfully declines
&
Ms. Jane Smith joyfully accepts/regretfully declines
 

surfgirl

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Messages
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This thread really bums me out! Not because of what any of you are saying, but because of how ill-mannered our society has become. I was raised to never EVER bring a "guest" or even a date to someone''s event unless my invitation specifically stated "and Guest." Out here in California I''ve found people are way more lax about this and my FI once, many years ago, brought me along to a wedding and I was mortified because there was no "And Guest" on his invite. In the end, the Bride and Groom didn''t seem to care at all and several people did this too. I was appalled. I was raised on the East Coast and I dont know anyone who would do that. Also, if you get an "And Guest", you dont just farm out the "guest" invite to whomever because the Bride and Groom might have a back up list of people they''d like to invite if they had more room/money. If I was you, I''d talk to all my attendants and make it clear that while you''ve extended them an invitation to bring a guest, if there is nobody "special" they want to bring (ie: a DATE, not a "friend"), then please let you know ASAP so that you can consider inviting other friends/family.

As for the RSVP, I prefer the version where you write in the # of places reserved.
 

So_happy

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I agree, surfgurl, with all you''ve said!! (Except maybe the liking the other rsvp better
).

It would be really useful to me if you guys can actually give me instances why this latest idea would NOT work (mainly because I already like it so much so if it isn''t the one I choose, I''ll need some good debunking arguments
). I like how simple it is and will require only one line per guest and implicity (at least I think so) contains all the information that we discussed in this thread.
 

surfgirl

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Oh, I forgot to mention that your latest RSVP option seems fine to me. If someone writes in another name you can gently let them know that you''d like to use that spot for a close friend/family member instead? It should work, though what with people''s general appalling lack of manners, who knows!
 

So_happy

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Date: 4/8/2007 4:15:07 PM
Author: surfgirl
Oh, I forgot to mention that your latest RSVP option seems fine to me. If someone writes in another name you can gently let them know that you''d like to use that spot for a close friend/family member instead? It should work, though what with people''s general appalling lack of manners, who knows!
Ayiyiyi. I hope not! This format intentionally disincludes a blank space anywhere lol. I''m hoping no blank spaces = no where to fill in anything!!!!
 
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