relationship troubles....

[dec2410]

did any of you ladies run into a rut in your relationships around the three year mark? my bf and i seem to be going through a rough patch. this is the longest relationship i''ve been in, so i don'' tknow if this is normal. he''s been in long term relationships before (3 years+) and he makes it seem like a little friction at this point in a relationship is normal.

we''ve both relatively passive people so we don''t fight a lot, and neither of us are very argumentative. more recently, we''ve both been super busy, so seeing each other seems to be a little difficult. i don''t know. things just seem off. we''ve talked about it, but nothing changes...i feel like i''m holding almost all of the weight in this relationship and he''s complacent. i''ve asked him if he still wants to be in this relationship, he said..."if you even have to ask that question, i must be doing something terribly wrong...yes i want to be in this relationship." i''m not 100% convinced....

HELP!!!

 

[TooPatient]

We''ve had a couple of times (okay, a few times) like that in the last 5 1/2 years. I think part of our problem is the usual LIW stuff. Frustrated, insecure, angry, .......

I bought some books for both of us to read and they have helped some. Look at Gottman Institute store.
10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage (this was great. I loved the real conversations they included.)
The Relationship Cure (great for all relationships in your life)
7 Principals for Making Marriage Work (another good book. One of the books they have at their seminars.)

Also got:
Love Map Cards (great for keeping current on what is going on in your lives)
Salsa Cards (suggestions for intimate activities -- some sexual & some not)

B even read the books too. And agreed to do the 7 week program that is in the books.


Sorry for the long post.
I do think you can get into rought spots. Especially as each of you decide if you are going to stay or leave or make the big committment or just keep going as you are.
I don''t think it is something that can just be ignored and it will get better. It needs work. Maybe just going out for coffee once a week. Whatever it is that brings you closer together again.

 

[princesss]

BF and I have hit some rough patches. They''re normal. I would say make an effort to put your relationship as close to first as you can, and maybe have a set date night. I know M and I had trouble when we didn''t have a set night. I felt taken for granted and like I wasn''t a priority because I felt like I only saw him when there wasn''t something better to do. He felt like he saw me all the time, so he didn''t get why I was upset that we weren''t spending "quality" time together. Date night has made a huge difference for us. Every Monday, we''re together and we do something. Cook dinner, watch a movie, go mini-golfing, whatever. But it''s OUR time. Maybe something like that could help?

 

[dec2410]

wow princess....that''s exactly how i feel. like an after-thought. after he does everything he needs/wants to do...IF he has time, i get to see him. sigh. i''m definintely gonna approach him about a date-night during the week.

thanks! sighhh....

 

[Amzizzle]

Me and the SO had a problem like that a few years ago. I never saw him because his job was so demanding and I just seemed like I was second place. I talked to him about it and we both started making a conscious effort to be around more, We have since then moved in together and have actually synced up a lot more.I hope you two can work it out.Good luck!

 

[4ever]

I''m glad this happens with other couples too.

I''ts happened a couple of times this years with us, the relationship just doesn''t ''flow'' right and everything feels a bit off. It''s really a horrible feeling.

I''ve learnt to look a the real cause rather then the symptom (the frustrated relationship). Usually there''s somthing One of us is worring about or going through and not shareing or there''s stress from other things that''s affecting the relationship.

Once I figgure out what the real problem is, we talk about it and then it all feels alot better, like we''re on the same page again.

 

[Munchkin]

Absolutely.

It's kind of funny because while 3 is my favorite number, it has always been a curse in my relationships! Numerous (most?) relationships of mine ended around the 3 month mark.

At the 3 month mark, DH and I broke up. We got back together about a month later. At the 3 year mark of my relationship with DH, we both went through major life changes. He started a new job, I started a grad school program and we moved 3 hours apart. I was definitely stressed/distracted/grouchy for a chunk of that year and I absolutely noticed other guys at my school. I doubted our relationship BIG TIME. It's kind of amazing we survived that year!

At the 6 year mark we broke up again. I was ready to be married and he wasn't. I told him that if he wasn't sure by then, then I needed to seek out a new future. We got back together a month later and were engaged 4 months after that.

You are not alone.

ETA The 9 year mark was our first year of marriage. I was very nervous that my track record would repeat itself! We passed with flying colors.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Date: 10/5/2009 11:41:53 PM
Author: Munchkin
Absolutely.

It''s kind of funny because while 3 is my favorite number, it has always been a curse in my relationships! Numerous (most?) relationships of mine ended around the 3 month mark.

At the 3 month mark, DH and I broke up. We got back together about a month later. At the 3 year mark of my relationship with DH, we both went through major life changes. He started a new job, I started a grad school program and we moved 3 hours apart. I was definitely stressed/distracted/grouchy for a chunk of that year and I absolutely noticed other guys at my school. I doubted our relationship BIG TIME. It''s kind of amazing we survived that year!

At the 6 year mark we broke up again. I was ready to be married and he wasn''t. I told him that if he wasn''t sure by then, then I needed to seek out a new future. We got back together a month later and were engaged 4 months after that.

You are not alone.

ETA The 9 year mark was our first year of marriage. I was very nervous that my track record would repeat itself! We passed with flying colors.

Wow...me, too! I always began to dread the 3 month mark...when a few of ''em got past it, I was like "woo hoo"!!!

And, sure enough, right around the 3 yr mark was a pretty rough patch for me and my BF, too. So, you are definitely NOT alone. Personally, I think it really made us grow stronger now that I can look back on everything. We earned to work through the tough times and not just give up and walk away.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

I''ve just hit major relationship drama and it''s just before the 3 yr mark. But in my case, I''m not sure it''s just a rough patch. I think this might be the beginning of the end. It really hurts, but it''s better to see problems before you get married so you can go into it with your eyes open. Better now than later.
I hope it works out for you!

 

[Patiently_Waiting]

Date: 10/9/2009 6:26:12 AM
Author: kribbie
I''ve just hit major relationship drama and it''s just before the 3 yr mark. But in my case, I''m not sure it''s just a rough patch. I think this might be the beginning of the end. It really hurts, but it''s better to see problems before you get married so you can go into it with your eyes open. Better now than later.
I hope it works out for you!

Sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time kribbie - hugs