Registry Crad/Gift Frustration (grrrrr)

[Sha]

We''re having a destination wedding and decided to register for gifts, just in case anybody wanted to get us something. We didn''t have a website and figured we would just let people know word of mouth. But the funny thing is no one has asked! So I guess we won''t be getting anything from our registry since pretty much no one knows about it. And I don''t want to mention it either. I don''t care if the friends who are coming don''t get us anyting since they would be paying so much to travel anyway, but I figured many the persons who couldn''t make it might want to send a card or a gift. But it doesn''t seem so... and our registry is only open for ONE week after the wedding, as stipulated by the place we registered. So there''s goes that idea!

 

[neatfreak]

We had an "additional information" tab on our website which included links to our registries. EVERYONE who needed it found it one way or another, and everyone else gave us $ ( they were all close relatives so we expected this as these are the same relatives who give cash for other life events too).


I think it's FINE for mom to spread the word and fine to put it discreetly on a website. But I think anything above that (ESPECIALLY including it in the invites in any way, shape, or form) is TACKY TACKY TACKY. That makes me feel like I was invited just for my gift and I don't like that...

 

[Haven]

Musey--I think the fact that this whole gift-giving situation is frustrating you so much shows how considerate and caring you are of your friends, which is really admirable.

Now on to the etiquette:

You are correct--one is obligated to give a gift if attending the wedding. This is interesting--Whiel all etiquette mavens say one is obligated to give a gift if attending, Miss Manners and Emily post say one is obligated to give a gift even if one doesn''t attend, YET according to Amy Vanderbilt one is not obligated to give a gift if one does not attend the wedding.

I know that the etiquette guiding the manner with which you can inform guests of your registry may seem restrictive, but it really is the most proper way to do things. It sounds like you''re planning on keeping ALL mention of gifts off your invitations (even "no gifts") and I''m sure your mom can help spread the word about the registry informally. This is the best way, and I''m glad to hear this is what you plan to do.

The whole "pay for your plate" idea is actually not etiquette-based--guests are expected to bring a gift, but it can (and should) be as large or small as they are comfortable giving. Gifts should also be a reflection of how close a guest is to the couple. Guests are also not required to purchase gifts from your registry, it is simply a guideline. Registries actually began as a means of informing guests of the couple''s desired China pattern, and they have evolved to the all-inclusive lists that we have today.

And, Musey, don''t be shocked and ashamed about your "bad guest" behavior in the past! I''m sure your friends were overjoyed to have you at their weddings, and it takes a vile person (which is surely not a type of person our dear Musey would befriend) to scoff at a gift--be it from the registry or not!

 

[musey]

Haven, you are too cute!!

Thanks for all the etiquette info. I wish we all were required to take a course in such things, since obviously most parents don''t teach a lot of it anymore!

 

[KimberlyH]

Hey Musey,

I assume my statement in the other thread is what inspired this post. Of the past 5 weddings I''ve been invited to, 3 of them, in some way shape or form, gave me the impression that I was invited because the couples wanted gifts. I also threw a baby shower for a friend who insisted I include her registry information in the invite; blech!

I invited people to my wedding because we love them and they held a special place in mine and DH''s hearts, not because we wanted gifts (we requested people make donations if they wanted to do anything, which is as contrary to etiquette as my belief that being invited to a wedding doesn''t obligate me to purchase a present). We did recieve some lovely presents, despite our request, and many of our guests honored our request and made donations or simply gave us a card. I was so flattered and thrilled to have almost everyone we invited attend, even if it meant traveling, that the gifts, donations, and cards paled in comparison to the wonderful evening we had because of the people who celebrated our special day with us.

I do understand that a lot of newlyweds are just starting out, and I totally understand the desire, as friends and family, to help them set up house; I just can''t stand the "here''s your invite and a list of places you can shop for us" mentality. Mara''s suggestion regarding website wording is a great alternative to "here''s where we''re registered." Sometimes it''s all in how things are presented.

Sorry to have caused you angst, it is clear to me you are an extremely kind and considerate person and I hope you get all the gifts you want and need! If I were invited to your wedding I would most certainly buy you a present.

 

[musey]

Hi Kim! It was actually inspired by my experience this past weekend (don''t know if you made it that far on the 1st page)... your post in the other thread just reminded/facilitated me

We don''t need gifts, and would like to remove that expectation altogether. There will inevitably be people that get gifts anyway, obviously, but the people I''m worried about are the ones (like our group of friends this weekend) who forget or can''t afford a gift, then spend the entire time feeling guilty and not having a good time because they feel like they didn''t live up to their guestly "duty."

I just don''t want that to be the reason that any person is uncomfortable during our wedding... you know? I want everyone to have a wonderful time. I know I can''t control a lot of the factors that affect whether guests have fun or not, but I just really don''t want THIS to be the reason they don''t!!


I know I should just let this whole thing play out like EVERY other wedding, and let them worry about making their own gift-giving decisions without trying to subliminally lead them in some particular direction. I just wish everyone could come and have a good time, and not worry about whether they''ve lived up to our expectations of our guests!

 

[KimberlyH]

Hey Musey,

I think you should tell your friends, when the wedding gets closer, that you have no expectation of gifts, that you just want them to come, enjoy, and celebrate with you as it sounds like you might spend a lot of time worrying about this otherwise, which I think is so very sweet of you.

 

[april diamonds]

I think the best thing for you to do is allow your family, bridal party, and close friends to spread the word. I have been to several weddings like that it works like a charm! People who want to give gifts will figure it out by asking around - if they can''t find a registry they will just buy you something on their own.

If someone asks you directly, don''t feel ashamed to tell them where you are registered (if you are)! It is their peroggative to bring you a gift. That said, however, I think it''s a really nice gesture to bring something to a wedding. Even if it is just a card, or a home made card, or a piece of paper stuffed into an envelope that says "Congratulations on your wedding! We''re so glad we could celebrate with you!". At least they took the time to write it. haha.

I don''t think you should put "no gifts" on the invite. If that''s the way you want to go let that be handled by word of mouth as well.

 

[Pandora II]

One of the nicest things I saw on an invitation was:

Your presence desired, no presents required

which I thought was an elegant way of putting it.


I don't normally buy off the registry - I give very simple, antique, english sterling silver candlesticks, which so far everyone has loved.

For our wedding we are doing a website. The address will be on the save the dates and we will add the registry information when the invitations go out. Most of the people coming to our wedding are computer savvy, or don't buy from registrys. I am likely to get a lot of silver pieces which is what I would really like anyway (well, that or ebay vouchers!

)and I know my grandmother will buy me a Le Creuset casserole dish. Giving or asking for money is seen as poor taste in the UK.

Average spend amongst our friends (who are all high income) is around $100 (for a couple - not each).

 

[Sha]

Date: 10/19/2007 9:02:49 AM
Author: Pandora II
One of the nicest things I saw on an invitation was:

Your presence desired, no presents required

which I thought was an elegant way of putting it.


I don''t normally buy off the registry - I give very simple, antique, english sterling silver candlesticks, which so far everyone has loved.

For our wedding we are doing a website. The address will be on the save the dates and we will add the registry information when the invitations go out. Most of the people coming to our wedding are computer savvy, or don''t buy from registrys. I am likely to get a lot of silver pieces which is what I would really like anyway (well, that or ebay vouchers!

)and I know my grandmother will buy me a Le Creuset casserole dish. Giving or asking for money is seen as poor taste in the UK.

Average spend amongst our friends (who are all high income) is around $100 (for a couple - not each).

Pandora, I love that saying for the invitation. That really says it all in a very nice way.