Rate your childhood

[kenny]

I love that, and I am so happy with everything I can see, feel and enjoy on my side of the door, that I almost feel whole.

YES, THIS!

 

[charleston1]

Oh Kenny, I am so so sorry for all you have gone through.

The painting is unbelievable; it is so beautiful and reading your story in regards to the painting is so haunting. You also are extremely talented with your photography. You have so much to be proud of in your life.

Although it will never make up for what you have endured, I hope you have found great and unconditional love in your life with your SO.

 

[CharmedOne]

WOW! That hit me kind of late! Can you close the door? I felt like I had by cutting myself off from most of my family. I'm only in contact with one sibling out of seven and no one else. Now I wonder if you ever really can. I sometimes think that if I think about my past, it would just open the door wider. So I have done a good job in the past but not thinking about it.

Just before I decided to leave home, right before I turned 16. I had had enough of my dad threatening to kill me, if I didn't do what he wanted, I couldn't breath. So I stepped out in front of a bus. Writing this has my heart racing. Wooo....I could hear people screaming at me but it was all muffled. I couldn't see, I couldn't think and then everything became so clear. I went home, took what I could carry and left. Life for me since? Not easy by any means, but I'm happy. I have a husband who loves me unconditionally and two wonderful kids. Which is something I never thought I would have or even deserved.

 

[AGBF]

This is an amazing thread. It shows how many different variables there are in everyone's life, from what geographical area and era into which he was born (e.g. a central Asian republic of the crumbling Soviet Union), to the parents he was born to (alcoholic parents, bi-polar parents, abusive parents, jealous parents, etcetera), to economic circumstances, health, accidents, and loss of loved ones. It also shows differences in the individuals who were born, however. One person said she was not a very good child, and while I doubt that that was the case, I know that I did not bring resilience to my own childhood. Some people are inherently tougher than others. Just by nature.

There is a story for psychotherapists about it. A parable. I may not get it quite right, but the basic idea is that there are three people in the family, and all went to see a psychiatrist. The mother was convinced that their food was being poisoned and would not eat any of it. She was diagnosed as being a paranoid schizophrenic. The older sister was not really convinced that her mother was correct, but she was worried, so she avoided eating at home. She was diagnosed as being neurotic. The little brother ate everything in sight and went about his business carefree, ignoring his mother's fears of poisoning. The psychiatrist asked him if he didn't fear being poisoned as did his mother and his sister. He replied, "I ain't dead yet!". He was diagnosed as normal. He was also resilient. Exceptionally resilient in the face of so much pathology. And some people just are resilient, while other people are not.

My childhood was a 2, but my parents were a 10. I can only explain that by saying that I must have been prone to psychological problems. I had three good years, but once my brother was born and my mother started to make mistakes, my life caved in. The feeling of abandonment, the crying myself to sleep constantly, the symptoms of choking and being unable to breathe...it is hard to imagine a worse childhood with such wonderful parents. But there is nature as well as nurture in childhood. I was very lucky to have the loving parents I did!

I really feel for those of you whose parents deliberately hurt you or who hurt you because they simply didn't care enough!

Deb

 

[Polished]

You're a master of the subtle Kenny - I love the way the key in the door looks loose in the keyhole - it's like its there if you need it but since you're in a good place, you don't really need to choose whether to keep the door open or lock it up and so the key doesn't need to be ready for action. You can "Let it Be" as Paul McCartney might say!

 

[TooPatient]

Kenny -- What a beautiful painting!
What horrors you had to grow up with. Your poor sister too. I can't imagine the choices she had to face and the pain she is probably still dealing with today.

I've been through so many therapists it isn't funny. The best one I ever saw was a great man. I saw him about three times and moved on with my life. He gave me a "homework" assignment. I thought it was silly but since I was looking for help, I figured I'd humor him and see where he went with it. All I had to do was go get a bunch of magazines about the local area and flip through them. What he showed me the next time when I went back in with my stack of magazines was that there is a whole world out there. It was MY choice to sit back and keep hiding or jump in and live. I chose to jump

My door on the past has been cracking open further lately. I don't want it to and have been doing what I can to get it closed. This thread is very timely. Typing out just some of the things that I've been through has really helped. I'm in the middle of wedding planning and the lack of family is very clear.

How do you explain to people who have never seen a parent aim a loaded gun at another parent what it feels like? Or sleeping on the floor of a closet because it isn't safe to be in bed? Or the shock of finding a gun in the cushions of a couch? Or the pain of having to make excuses for your father not being at major life events because he's in prison?

Don't get me wrong -- I don't wish any of this on anyone. I'm also aware that it is because of this that I have the strength that I do now. It just stings every time someone looks at me like a failure because I choose to leave most of my family in my past. Sometimes you have to make the choice to take care of yourself. I don't regret my decision even if I do wish it was different.


I finally parted with one of the many stuffed animals I hid with over the years. He was one of my special ones. He was my reminder that there are people out there who care when life gets rough. He was given to me by a kind policeman when he knew I needed comfort.
I need to check with our local police and see if they accept donations of new stuffed animals...

 

[CharmedOne]

TooPatient most police depts do. The smaller the better because they keep them in their police cars among a bunch of equipment. My husband is a policeman and when he was on the road he carried a ton in his car. It is truly amazing what something so small can mean to a child. It's a wonderful idea TooPatient and just imagine how many little children you can help with you kind donation. Especially knowing what it did for you.

 

[Begonia]

Lots of courage there Kenny.

I'm not going to share...suffice to say... same shit, different pile.

I'm glad you made it through too...

 

[rubybeth]

Edited to add: I know now how wonderful my childhood/adolescence really was. My DH works with teenagers who have had it very rough, and I grew up knewing about problems because my dad worked with disabled and disadvantaged people. I feel for all of you who had terrible childhoods, and I just want to send hugs to all of you.

I voted an 8, because it was pretty great but nothing's perfect. My parents were married 9 years before I was born, were very stable, financially secure, and they are extremely loving and supportive. They gave me the sister I requested when I was 6. I grew up in one house, where my parents still live. They spent time doing things with me, not necessarily buying me things, but giving me a foundation of experiences and connection with them. I remember helping my dad plant the garden every year, desensitizing me to bugs and worms, pushing me on the tire swings he built for me, playing that he was a monster chasing me (not in a scary way, more like tag), teaching me to fish, etc. My mom was a good example of a working mother, she worked part-time, so I went to after-school care a couple days a week, but she was home on other days. I was a latchkey kid for a while, which was actually good, because they trusted me and I felt very responsible. They paid me to babysit my sister all summer when I got old enough. They also taught me lots of stuff, helping me with homework, as well as explaining things in a neutral way, using a large vocabulary in general, and praising me for good work, rewarding good behavior, etc. I spent a lot of time with extended family while growing up, too, so I also had the wonderful influences of my aunts, uncles, and many of my cousins are close friends. We've been told we act more like siblings than cousins. We still take an annual family vacation at a lake resort, which is a tradition that began when I was 4 months old.

They worked hard to send me and my sister to private school, and paid for our undergraduate degrees and our first (used) cars, which helped us get off to a wonderful start in life with no debt and feeling very supported. They let me major in English (kind of wish they'd pushed me to do accounting or something), did not let me work more than 20 hours a week while in school, and then let me live with them while I went to grad school for library science. The only negatives for me were arguing with my dad about politics and religion; I ultimately got my way and vote and do whatever the heck I want. I still visit them a few times a week because I enjoy spending time with them. They have helped me and DH in multiple ways (paid for our wedding, gave us some generous gifts as we started out), and they love DH like a son. He really is the son they never had, and I am glad they love him almost as much as I do.

Wow, this is a novel. Maybe I should send this post to them for mother's/father's day.

 

[diamondringlover]

I wasnt going to post, but feel I must....my heart aches for all of you with horrible childhood's...there is so much evil in the world and I as a parent I dont understand how or why people abuse their own little kids. My childhood was not great alcoholic abusive father, a mom whom I adore who was so busy with 3 little kids and a full time job and a useless husband that she had little time for anything other then taking care of us (she had 3 girls in a span of 4 years). My Dad (I usually refer to him as my sperm donor instead of dad ) well when he was sober he wasnt too bad..but goodness when he drank he became violent and nasty...for the most part it was not direct towards us it was always my Mom, she would tell us to go to our rooms and lock the doors and yes we had multiple locks on our bedroom doors. We could hear the yelling and hitting..he use to play russian roulette with her head (i learned this as i got older) what a bastard he was. Both of my sisters state that he sexually abused them for years, I do not remember any sexual abuse to this day (I am 52) to either sisters or myself, me and my youngest shared a bed and a bedroom and I still dont remember anything...so I am assuming that I am suppressing the memories..good or bad I dont know. I will say the evil died about 10 years ago and I felt nothing..I didnt even go to the funeral.

 

[iLander]

I debated about posting, it dredges up a lot of horrible stuff.

But I came out okay in the end, better than my 2 half sisters who were raised in the state orphanage (not the USA system). Everyone who chased me, hit me, called me a whore, left me alone several times (I was under 2 years old) without food or water for 2-3 days, etc., etc., is dead. The state took me out of the neglectful frying pan and put me into the abusive fire. Will whichever one of you that broke my nose and made it so my lips are wonky when I drink, please raise your hand? I don't remember much before 10 years old. After that, I remember more than I want to.

But I met and married a wonderful man, who ignored my grandmother telling him for 30 minutes that I was a whore and I would only make him unhappy. He literally laughed in her face. He's spent the last 30 years explaining that none of it was my fault. I almost believe him.

So, I have the last laugh. Suck it, you mean, nasty, alcoholic *******s.

I can still laugh, you dumb bastards.

 

[iLander]

Kenny, I just went back and read your post, and comparatively, my childhood was a 10.

I love your watercolor, you have a lot of talent. Watercolor is a bitch of a medium and you've mastered it beautifully.

High five, my friend, you turned out great and you won. They can suck it.

 

[04diamond<3]

I debated about posting, it dredges up a lot of horrible stuff.

But I came out okay in the end, better than my 2 half sisters who were raised in the state orphanage (not the USA system). Everyone who chased me, hit me, called me a whore, left me alone several times (I was under 2 years old) without food or water for 2-3 days, etc., etc., is dead. The state took me out of the neglectful frying pan and put me into the abusive fire. Will whichever one of you that broke my nose and made it so my lips are wonky when I drink, please raise your hand? I don't remember much before 10 years old. After that, I remember more than I want to.

But I met and married a wonderful man, who ignored my grandmother telling him for 30 minutes that I was a whore and I would only make him unhappy. He literally laughed in her face. He's spent the last 30 years explaining that none of it was my fault. I almost believe him.

So, I have the last laugh. Suck it, you mean, nasty, alcoholic *******s.

I can still laugh, you dumb bastards.

Aw, iLander. I'm so sorry. We have a similar past and I don't like to think about it either. My sister on the other hand uses it to manipulate people to get what she wants. This is definitely a disgusting world and there will be relief some day. I'm very sorry to hear about your pain and know that I'm praying for you. Big hugs dear.

 

[MyDiamondSparkles]

First, big hugs for those of you who had horrific childhoods. It's truly unimaginable to me.

I rated my childhood as a 10. I didn't realize until after I left home and was and young adult that there was such a thing as a less than perfect childhood-- I honestly thought everyone was raised like me (my sister thought this too) and was stunned to hear the stories of my friends and acquaintances and it made my heart hurt for them.

My parents had a very affectionate and loving marriage. I felt loved and told how special I was each and every day. We ate dinner together every night and discussed the days events. I can not recall my parents ever having an argument, mostly because my Mom refused to be drug into any kind of heated debate and preferred to discuss things calmly. I've never had a heated argument or even a "hurt feelings" disagreement with either of my parents, nor my siblings. I was taught in both words and examples to work hard, to be proud of your accomplishments, to value myself, to listen to others, to think about others feelings, to express myself without hurting the feelings of others, to not discriminate others for the the way they feel, the way they act, the way they talk, the color of their skin, their religion, nationality, partners, education, etc, to feel free to talk with them about any subject, anytime (even at 2am), to stand up to peer pressure, to not do drugs, to not drink and drive, to tie my shoes, to ride a bike, to dance, to deal with rejection and disappointment, to know your limitations, to be happy with what I have (no matter how much or how little), to share what I have (no matter how much or how little), to say please, thank you and you're welcome, to write thank you notes, how to properly apologize, to be honest, to take care of what I have, how to cook, to eat healthy, table manners, to exercise, to wash and fold laundry, to clean up after myself, to be financially responsible, the value of education, to enjoy life as we are not all guaranteed 80 years.

I've taught my kids these same things. I've never spanked my children, although they were disciplined. I've never had a heated argument or even a "hurt feelings" disagreement with either of my children. My children feel loved. They can and do speak to me about all subjects. They know they are special. I will celebrate my 29 wedding anniversary this year, with a husband that I adore and who adores me.

I sometimes feel guilty for how blessed my life has been-- (edited to add) in fact, so guilty that I almost didn't post. I am forever grateful to my parents for the wonderful life they made for me. I know it was with their parenting I turned out to be a good parent myself and raised two wonderful children who have made this Momma very proud.

 

[mimi123]

For the most part I go through life as more of an observer - I have learned one new thing with this thread, with everyone being very open and honest about their beginnings, and that is that I feel naturally drawn to others in this forum whose background is like mine, without having had any previous inkling - such as Ilander, Begonia and Kenny for example. I wonder how that translates irl? Does that mean that those to whom I feel an immediate kindred friendship with have a similar upbringing?? It would be interesting to find out - though, if I'm any indication, that is highly unlikely as I have never spoken of those things to another living soul.

 

[AGBF]

First, big hugs for those of you who had horrific childhoods. It's truly unimaginable to me.

I rated my childhood as a 10. I didn't realize until after I left home and was and young adult that there was such a thing as a less than perfect childhood-- I honestly thought everyone was raised like me (my sister thought this too) and was stunned to hear the stories of my friends and acquaintances and it made my heart hurt for them.

My parents had a very affectionate and loving marriage. I felt loved and told how special I was each and every day. We ate dinner together every night and discussed the days events. I can not recall my parents ever having an argument, mostly because my Mom refused to be drug into any kind of heated debate and preferred to discuss things calmly. I've never had a heated argument or even a "hurt feelings" disagreement with either of my parents, nor my siblings. I was taught in both words and examples to work hard, to be proud of your accomplishments, to value myself, to listen to others, to think about others feelings, to express myself without hurting the feelings of others, to not discriminate others for the the way they feel, the way they act, the way they talk, the color of their skin, their religion, nationality, partners, education, etc, to feel free to talk with them about any subject, anytime (even at 2am), to stand up to peer pressure, to not do drugs, to not drink and drive, to tie my shoes, to ride a bike, to dance, to deal with rejection and disappointment, to know your limitations, to be happy with what I have (no matter how much or how little), to share what I have (no matter how much or how little), to say please, thank you and you're welcome, to write thank you notes, how to properly apologize, to be honest, to take care of what I have, how to cook, to eat healthy, table manners, to exercise, to wash and fold laundry, to clean up after myself, to be financially responsible, the value of education, to enjoy life as we are not all guaranteed 80 years.

I've taught my kids these same things. I've never spanked my children, although they were disciplined. I've never had a heated argument or even a "hurt feelings" disagreement with either of my children. My children feel loved. They can and do speak to me about all subjects. They know they are special. I will celebrate my 29 wedding anniversary this year, with a husband that I adore and who adores me.

I sometimes feel guilty for how blessed my life has been-- (edited to add) in fact, so guilty that I almost didn't post. I am forever grateful to my parents for the wonderful life they made for me. I know it was with their parenting I turned out to be a good parent myself and raised two wonderful children who have made this Momma very proud.

MyDiamondSparkles-

I am glad to know that a childhood like the one you experienced and the one you provided for your children is possible. I certainly knew about the other extremes, although I didn't know about the individuals among us who had suffered those extremes so terribly as children, like kenny, iLander, TooPatient, and others. In fact, there are countries where children have it worse than many children in the United States do simply because they live in abject poverty and in war-torn countries, many not surviving through childhood. But I know more about the ugly extremes, being a social worker, than the miraculous extremes. The story of your family is inspiring. If only more of us could be like you.

Hugs,
Deb

 

[kenny]

... I feel naturally drawn to others in this forum whose background is like mine, without having had any previous inkling - such as Ilander, Begonia and Kenny for example. I wonder how that translates irl? Does that mean that those to whom I feel an immediate kindred friendship with have a similar upbringing?? It would be interesting to find out - though, if I'm any indication, that is highly unlikely as I have never spoken of those things to another living soul.

Intriguing point.
I also wonder why I click with some people and clash with others.

I think people are like icebergs in that the majority of who and what we are is under the surface.
Maybe our childhoods make up more of us adults than we realize.

For adults there is an expectation of equality, fairness and sameness.
Unfortunately we all do not enter adulthood with equal preparation and tools.

 

[beaujolais]

Big, soft hugs and a healing kiss on the forehead for those of you have endured terrible times. You all seemed to have turned out to very special people despite the craziness.

xxxooo

sonoma

 

[iLander]

Aw, iLander. I'm so sorry. We have a similar past and I don't like to think about it either. My sister on the other hand uses it to manipulate people to get what she wants. This is definitely a disgusting world and there will be relief some day. I'm very sorry to hear about your pain and know that I'm praying for you. Big hugs dear.

Thank you, 04diamond, I appreciate that very much. I believe that all unselfish prayers are answered, thank you for putting in a good word for me. Hugs.

But I'm doing great now, I was very lucky that I met a wonderful person to marry and love and we rewrote every bit of it with our kids. I never abused them, or any of that. I believe in myself now, because he believes in me. I am a lucky woman.

It took me a couple of days to write about it, and it did seem to help me to air out some of the pain. It caused me to give it a think and this is what I came up with; Why would I blame myself? Isn't that a form of narcissism? What child would ever have the power to turn good people into abusive, nasty monsters? No child can do that, and I was certainly not that strong or powerful. So it's not my fault, it couldn't be. They managed to be asses all by themselves, before I even got there. I didn't have that kind of power, and to start to realize it is quite freeing. Maybe that thought will help you . . .

 

[iLander]

... I feel naturally drawn to others in this forum whose background is like mine, without having had any previous inkling - such as Ilander, Begonia and Kenny for example. I wonder how that translates irl? Does that mean that those to whom I feel an immediate kindred friendship with have a similar upbringing?? It would be interesting to find out - though, if I'm any indication, that is highly unlikely as I have never spoken of those things to another living soul.

Intriguing point.
I also wonder why I click with some people and clash with others.

I think people are like icebergs in that the majority of who and what we are is under the surface.
Maybe our childhoods make up more of us adults than we realize.

For adults there is an expectation of equality, fairness and sameness.
Unfortunately we all do not enter adulthood with equal preparation and tools.

I think people who have been through a lot, have a lot more natural empathy. Maybe they tend to be nicer? They have an acute understanding of what pain is, and don't want to inflict it on anyone else.

 

[kenny]

So why am I so harsh?

 

[TooPatient]

So why am I so harsh?

You're not harsh -- just honest!

 

[kenny]

iLander, I also consider myself to be one of luckiest people on the planet, like I've won the lottery.
My adult life feels like a HUGE relief.
It's like finally getting out of the dentist chair after five thousand root canals, or finally getting out of jail after serving years for a crime I did not commit.
I'm just so thankful those horrible years are over and gone forever.

Your next post about us '1 and 2 kids' being nicer ... actually there is a part of me that is not so nice and I'm facing and trying to correct only now in my 50s.

It's hard to articulate but I'm very ... data oriented ... rational at the expense of emotions.
For instance when my SO is sick, which he is now, I have no problem meeting all the physical needs like giving medical care, feeding, bringing water, helping him change or whatever is a legit physical need.

The problem is I have sort of a blind spot to other's emotional needs and feelings.
10-year old Kenny's needs were not only not met they were bashed out of me.
My childhood produced an adult who was wired to 'never need anyone' - or so I thought.
I can take care of myself because as a kid I had to; I forget that that is not healthy, normal or even realistic.

People who had healthier childhoods expect to be just sat with after you bring them their chicken soup in bed.
They know to offer comfort by putting a hand on a shoulder and just being there for them.
I'm learning that's as important to his recovery, and a good relationship, as the prescriptions and cleaning up the barf all over the toilet.

A couple years ago was a turning point.
I had cancer surgery and I was 100% helpless and dependent on others for a few days and this was an eye-opener for me psychologically.
It was like a seed of compassion was planted in me that's only sprouting now.

 

[Begonia]

Well, we learned to work the problem didn't we?

There wasn't much time or energy for the emotions. If you went there, you might not survive that particular situation (and there were many).

The situation was broken down into black and white and dealt with. Afterward, there was another storm coming that needed the same approach. Storm after storm. Not many/any (?) sunny days or safe havens.

I'm your girl when the blood is spurting, the husband has just left you for his girlfriend, your Mother is dying of cancer etc, etc, etc.

I do feel things afterward though unfortunately...and the PTSD leaves me with blank spots. Dissociation was necessary then, but not always appropriate now, when there isn't actually any danger. Just perceived danger.

My tone is clinical now, do you see?

Later I'll cry in the tub.

 

[AGBF]

... actually there is a part of me that is not so nice and I'm facing and trying to correct only now in my 50s.

It's hard to articulate but I'm very ... data oriented ... rational at the expense of emotions.
For instance when my SO is sick, which he is now, I have no problem meeting all the physical needs like giving medical care, feeding, bringing water, helping him change or whatever is a legit physical need.

The problem is I have sort of a blind spot to other's emotional needs and feelings.
10-year old Kenny's needs were not only not met they were bashed out of me.
My childhood produced an adult who was wired to 'never need anyone' - or so I thought.
I can take care of myself because as a kid I had to; I forget that that is not healthy, normal or even realistic.

People who had healthier childhoods expect to be just sat with after you bring them their chicken soup in bed.
They know to offer comfort by putting a hand on a shoulder and just being there for them.
I'm learning that's as important to his recovery, and a good relationship, as the prescriptions and cleaning up the barf all over the toilet.

A couple years ago was a turning point.
I had cancer surgery and I was 100% helpless and dependent on others for a few days and this was an eye-opener for me psychologically.
It was like a seed of compassion was planted in me that's only sprouting now.

I really, really hear you, kenny.

First of all, although I didn't quote that part of what you wrote I share with you the feeling of relief for having escaped my childhood. While a child, knowing nothing else, life was unreal. Growing up was a miracle.

But I truly understand what you are saying about not having had your needs met. In The Magic Years a wonderful woman named Selma Fraiberg posits her theory on what makes a child grow up empathetic, and it is not simply being knocked around as a child. We all know that many abusive parents were abused as children, that many criminals were abused as children. Being an abused child is no guarantee that one will grow up empathetic.

She writes that the way to help make children empathetic is to tune into their needs when they are children and then to "make demands on their love" in order to teach them right from wrong. In other words, parents use the bonds of parental love to guide their children into the right paths. She feels that children who have had parents seeing what they needed and responding appropriately to it would grow up feeling loved, and then that the parents needed to socialize the children, making them learn what society needed from them in order for them to be good citizens, kind people, etcetera.

Deb/AGBF

 

[GemFever]

This is an amazing thread. It shows how many different variables there are in everyone's life, from what geographical area and era into which he was born (e.g. a central Asian republic of the crumbling Soviet Union), to the parents he was born to (alcoholic parents, bi-polar parents, abusive parents, jealous parents, etcetera), to economic circumstances, health, accidents, and loss of loved ones. It also shows differences in the individuals who were born, however. One person said she was not a very good child, and while I doubt that that was the case, I know that I did not bring resilience to my own childhood. Some people are inherently tougher than others. Just by nature.

There is a story for psychotherapists about it. A parable. I may not get it quite right, but the basic idea is that there are three people in the family, and all went to see a psychiatrist. The mother was convinced that their food was being poisoned and would not eat any of it. She was diagnosed as being a paranoid schizophrenic. The older sister was not really convinced that her mother was correct, but she was worried, so she avoided eating at home. She was diagnosed as being neurotic. The little brother ate everything in sight and went about his business carefree, ignoring his mother's fears of poisoning. The psychiatrist asked him if he didn't fear being poisoned as did his mother and his sister. He replied, "I ain't dead yet!". He was diagnosed as normal. He was also resilient. Exceptionally resilient in the face of so much pathology. And some people just are resilient, while other people are not.

My childhood was a 2, but my parents were a 10. I can only explain that by saying that I must have been prone to psychological problems. I had three good years, but once my brother was born and my mother started to make mistakes, my life caved in. The feeling of abandonment, the crying myself to sleep constantly, the symptoms of choking and being unable to breathe...it is hard to imagine a worse childhood with such wonderful parents. But there is nature as well as nurture in childhood. I was very lucky to have the loving parents I did!

I really feel for those of you whose parents deliberately hurt you or who hurt you because they simply didn't care enough!

Deb

Deb, I love this post. I've been thinking and thinking and thinking about it since I first read it. I don't have anything new to add, so I didn't post right away, but I really think you are on to something here.

~~

My heart really goes out to all the people with the broken childhoods. As I mentioned before, this thread has been eye opening and thought provoking. Thank you for sharing, I can only imagine that it is not easy to do.

 

[Missy]

... I feel naturally drawn to others in this forum whose background is like mine, without having had any previous inkling - such as Ilander, Begonia and Kenny for example. I wonder how that translates irl? Does that mean that those to whom I feel an immediate kindred friendship with have a similar upbringing?? It would be interesting to find out - though, if I'm any indication, that is highly unlikely as I have never spoken of those things to another living soul.

Intriguing point.
I also wonder why I click with some people and clash with others.

I think people are like icebergs in that the majority of who and what we are is under the surface.
Maybe our childhoods make up more of us adults than we realize.

For adults there is an expectation of equality, fairness and sameness.
Unfortunately we all do not enter adulthood with equal preparation and tools.

I think people who have been through a lot, have a lot more natural empathy. Maybe they tend to be nicer? They have an acute understanding of what pain is, and don't want to inflict it on anyone else.

I think this can be true but sometimes it is not. Sometimes this kind of harsh life makes for a harsh person who cannot trust, who cannot feel much empathy for others because their life is/was so miserable. The pain has deadened their emotions and their humanity. So I can see it happening either way. Prison is filled with people who had rough beginnings. It can ruin you or you can overcome and be that much better for it. I think it just depends.

 

[Polished]

Sometimes this kind of harsh life makes for a harsh person who cannot trust,

I've been really encouraged by the posts from those who have gone on to have good relationships in their adult lives. When thoughts, opinions, observations and experiences can be freely shared a greater intimacy and more personal relationship develops. Knowing you can trust is key to being able to do this.

 

[iLander]

Kenny; I can relate to being harsh. I think it's easier to get away with when you're a single gay guy than it is when you're the mommy. When the kids got old enough to react like this to my words, hubby helped me temper myself. He taught me helpful phrases like "You poor thing! I wish you felt better!" and sometimes I just parrot them. Normal people seem to really like that one. He also buffered me with "Is that what you meant to say?" and "I don't think you meant it to sound like that. . . " and I think it through and realize how it sounded. After almost 30 years, I am pretty good and actually mean the niceties. Well, most of the time.

You just have to realize you've been desensitized, like living next to the El train; you don't hear it anymore. People tend not to like harshness, they're surprisingly soft and mushy. You need to say "My name is Kenny, and I am harsh. I admit I am powerless over harshness and I am taking it one day at a time." Or don't. It is a handy defense, to keep people at a "safe" distance. Is that what you're doing?

Missy; It's true, many people go the other way, and become completely unfeeling. But after all the maturing and work I've done on myself, the concept of me causing pain for someone else is abhorrent. I really don't want to, and feel horrible if I do it accidentally. I guess that's what I meant.

As for trusting, I do trust DH, I know he puts my happiness before his own, and I do the same in return. He's very strong, and helped me with a lot of issues early on. Some things, we both realize will always be there, so we just work around them. I am very lucky.

 

[Missy]

Kenny; I can relate to being harsh. I think it's easier to get away with when you're a single gay guy than it is when you're the mommy. When the kids got old enough to react like this to my words, hubby helped me temper myself. He taught me helpful phrases like "You poor thing! I wish you felt better!" and sometimes I just parrot them. Normal people seem to really like that one. He also buffered me with "Is that what you meant to say?" and "I don't think you meant it to sound like that. . . " and I think it through and realize how it sounded. After almost 30 years, I am pretty good and actually mean the niceties. Well, most of the time.

You just have to realize you've been desensitized, like living next to the El train; you don't hear it anymore. People tend not to like harshness, they're surprisingly soft and mushy. You need to say "My name is Kenny, and I am harsh. I admit I am powerless over harshness and I am taking it one day at a time." Or don't. It is a handy defense, to keep people at a "safe" distance. Is that what you're doing?

Missy; It's true, many people go the other way, and become completely unfeeling. But after all the maturing and work I've done on myself, the concept of me causing pain for someone else is abhorrent. I really don't want to, and feel horrible if I do it accidentally. I guess that's what I meant.

As for trusting, I do trust DH, I know he puts my happiness before his own, and I do the same in return. He's very strong, and helped me with a lot of issues early on. Some things, we both realize will always be there, so we just work around them. I am very lucky.

Oh, I totally agree with you iLander and I am the same way. I have always been a very empathetic person but in the last 10 plus years even more so due to living through some of life's difficulties and learning to manage adversity. No one gets through life without hardship and to learn and grow from it to become a better person is something to strive for indeed. It helps make sense out of it all if you kwim. What's that saying- Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle. Something like that. Words to live by IMO.

And having a supportive partner to go through life with adversities and all makes all the difference...glad you have that special someone and vice versa!!