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paris29

Shiny_Rock
Joined
May 27, 2010
Messages
267
So as some of you might know from my previous post my FH and I are currently living with my parents. My parents had given us their house and were planning on moving into their new house during the summer. Our wedding was planned for New Years Eve. Well... that didn't happen and their house is still under construction so at the moment we are stuck living with my parents. My FH and I are both full time students. I am in grad school, doctorate program, and FH is finishing up his BA. At first I honestly didn't mind living with my parents except for the fact that FH and I were sleeping in separate rooms (their house, their rules). But lately I have had enough. Because of the house situation our wedding was postponed, which was beyond frustrating. And now I feel like the situation is constantly deteriorating. My FH and I to do everything: cook, clean, drive them groceries, help them with everything, even stuff they could easily do on their own, laundry, etc. We even do stuff for them that in no way should apply for us. I fill like their are just using us at this point. My mom is constantly complaining about my FH, for not being available to do stuff my dad should be doing for her. My father was never a mans man like my fh is, and so she, my mom, has him doing everything she wished my dad would have done throughout the years and gets frustrated when she doesn't see him doing something she wants him to do at that very second, even if he is busy doing hw or studying for a test. Although I am busy with my doctorate program I am constantly in the kitchen cooking for 4 (instead of 2) every night and doing the dishes six times a day, since my parents never put their dishes in the dishwasher anymore, even after they have seen me unloading them. I know when we are on our own will have to do all these things ourselves anyway, which is fine, but I find it so frustrating that we are constantly catering to them even though we have our own lives, and that my mom is continuously bad mouthing my FH for no reason. It would be different if my parents worked and contributed but they don't I'm just so frustrated. Honestly they treat us like we are 14. We do more around the house and for the household than they do. Too add to everything I had a miscarriage over a year and halfand go ( my parents don't know about it) and after going through such and emotionally difficult situation both my FH and I are ready to start ttc next fall, put all those plans while become irrelevant if we are still stuck here in this hell hole with my parents. Advice please!
 

sillyberry

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 28, 2009
Messages
1,792
Move out.

Blunt, but that's honestly the best way out of the situation.

Tell your parents you appreciate the offer of their house, but you've thought more about it and you need to be leading your own lives independently. Find a cheap apartment, buy furniture from Ikea and off Craigslist or take hand-me-downs from friends and family, and breath a sigh of relief in bed together each night that you have a place all to your own with your sweetie where you are beholden to no one but each other.

Otherwise, you can either (1) accept that you're living off their support and this is the price you pay or (2) just stop doing things for them and accept whatever fallout occurs. I mean, if you only do your own laundry or cook dinner for two, what happens?
 

kelpie

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 8, 2008
Messages
2,362
It's an uncomfortable situation but you have to do it their way or make it on your own. They offered to give you a house, but you will pay for it dearly.
 

rosetta

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 7, 2010
Messages
3,417
If I were you, I would decline their house and leave.

Asap.

Live life on your own terms.
 

slg47

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
9,667
when is their new house supposed to be finished?
 

Autumnovember

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 28, 2010
Messages
4,384
Could you talk to your mom about the feelings you've expressed here?

I'm not so sure that moving into the house that they have offered to give you is a good idea. Things like this seem to always have an attachment. It's possible that IF you do move into it, they'll use that as a way to hang it over your head since right now they seem to be using you.

Is there any possible way you guys could move into an apartment?
 

blacksand

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 31, 2010
Messages
889
I tend to agree. If you do not want to live under these conditions (which is understandable!), you will have to go out on your own. To have someone give you a house outright is a huge thing and gives you an amazing headstart in life. I'm not saying you should put up with anything and everything to get that house, I'm just saying, to put it in perspective, that it's a really nice offer. Extremely generous. But you have to decide whether that generous offer is worth your suffering in your current situation. If it isn’t, then you should decline, move out, and do your own thing. It’s a hard road, but it may turn out to be much more rewarding for you both in the long run.

ETA: If your parents don't know about your miscarriage or that you want to start ttc soon, it isn't really fair to expect them to understand that. If there a reason you haven't talked to them about it?
 

amc80

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 18, 2010
Messages
5,765
You're right- their house, their rules. You don't like the rules (rightly so). Move out. It's one thing to help around the house, especially since you're not paying rent. But it's another to be a live in maid. This is only going to result in resentment towards your parents.
 

slg47

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
9,667
To have someone give you a house outright is a huge thing and gives you an amazing headstart in life. I'm not saying you should put up with anything and everything to get that house, I'm just saying, to put it in perspective, that it's a really nice offer. Extremely generous. But you have to decide whether that generous offer is worth your suffering in your current situation. If it isn’t, then you should decline, move out, and do your own thing. It’s a hard road, but it may turn out to be much more rewarding for you both in the long run.

this exactly.

paris what are the terms of them giving you the house? are they going to transfer it to your name? will you be expected to pay the taxes (could be more than the cost of renting)? do you think you would want to live in that area for the long term, or just while you are in school?
 

thethein11

Rough_Rock
Joined
Dec 20, 2010
Messages
26
This seems like you will be "paying" for this house for a long time. If your parents are doing this now while you all live together whats going to stop them from being this way when they move into the other house. I can just see it now them stopping by unexpected all the time and continuing the demands on you FI to fix up the house. This could be something they could hold over you and could hurt your relationship down the road with your parents and FI.
 

chemgirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 16, 2009
Messages
2,345
It is really frustrating that there wasn't a clear explanation of what was expected of you before you accepted your parent's offer. However, you're right that its their house and their rules. If you're an adult and living rent free, I can see how they would have these expectations of you. It seems like the only thing in this situation that you can control is whether you live with them or not. If you don't want to be their maid, move out. If you can't afford rent, then consider yourself lucky that your parents are being generous enough to take on two extra people, and only require housework in return.
 

paris29

Shiny_Rock
Joined
May 27, 2010
Messages
267
Thanks ladies for all the advice. I was just so upset last night (still frustrated) I just had to express how I was feeling, and I knew this forum would be a safe place to do that and I would get good advice from you ladies. I really do appreciate everything my parents are doing for us, they are giving us the house, and paying for our school, but honestly I do feel like a maid, and my FH has really has had a very difficult time dealing with situation. We have tried to think of way to get our own place but at this very moment with school it just isn't possible. Before my FH moved in I never did this much around the house, i wasn't expected by them to (what changed?), and that is not to say I didn't do stuff to contribute. I find it difficult because my mom is very dependent on me emotionally and I feel like I am my parent's couple therapist. We plan on starting our own business this summer, so that should help. After many discussions about were we want to eventually be and raise our family this area is perfect for us and our future kids. We never told m parents about the miscarriage because we felt it was something very personal that my FH and I needed to deal with on our own, w/o their words and criticism. The reason I included it in this thread was to say that us living with them puts a hold on us ttc; we don't want to be pregnant while still living with them. We both fell trapped and I know that even if we do take this house they will be over all the time after they move out. We are not sure when their house will be done, the economy has pushed a lot of things back. We want to live in the house for a couple of years or less and eventually move to another house in the area (that will fit our growing family), but until then I guess we are stuck her. Anyone have any advice for dealing with situation we are in, until things change. I try to talked to my mom about what she is saying about my FH but nothing has worked so far. I can deal with what they are doing to me but not my FH. It just not fair for him he had such a sh*tty upbringing and I just don't want him to deal with anymore unneeded stress. I just don't know what to do anymore.
 

FuturePsyD

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 17, 2010
Messages
309
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this stress. As we can see, even with parents, nothing is free. I understand that you mom is being hard on your FH, but he is living in their house and unfortunately that is the price that is being paid by you guys (amongst the other things you described).

My FF moved across country to be near me and it was HARD to make ends meet, but he simply would never have moved in with my parents for reasons similar to this one. I don't live with him, but he struggled to even buy groceries and walked to work for awhile before he saved up enough to afford a car. We have postponed our engagement and settling down until WE are able to afford it on our own. My parents can more than afford to buy us a house and make our lives as a couple cushy and easy, and they will do it for me (no strings attached) but they would not do it for him with no strings attached. Therefore, I chose to take our time and build our life on our own. Even if it meant that it takes us longer to get to our goals.

I hate to be blunt but what I am sensing is that your mom doesn't respect your FF and that is where her attitude/behavior towards him stems from. She doesn't respect his time, his feelings, etc.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't think things will change as long as you are both dependent on your parents. I can understand how it's driving you up the wall, I would feel the same way. But its the nature of the beast (your chosen situation).
 

kelpie

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 8, 2008
Messages
2,362
FuturePsyD makes a good illustration. Even though it is the hard way, you may find satisfaction in supporting yourself and building a life outside your parents' control. I know I took enormous pride in it, I love the feeling of not owing anything to anyone (well of course other the general filial duties I have to the people who reared me).
 

NovemberBride

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 26, 2006
Messages
962
Paris,

You are not trapped or stuck - you and/or your FI could get jobs and support yourselves or use student loan money for housing. It might be tough, but lots of students do it, especially those who are married or TTC. Frankly, if the two of you have no income and are dependent upon your parents for the basic necessities (food, shelter, etc), then you really aren't in a place to TTC. IF you really intend on TTC in the near future, I suggest you look into how you can support yourselves.

I don't have too much sympathy for adults who complain about their parents controlling them, because they are only controlling you because you allow them to do so in exchange for the luxury of not having to work to support yourself. As others have said, if you want the free house, you'll have to put up with the current situation. If you don't want to put up with the current situation, you'll have to find your own housing.
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
I guess I would just add that this isn't going to end when your parents' house is built. If you're TTC, are you planning to have the same parents watch the baby? If so, I'd caution you to tread lightly. I'm smack dab in the middle of a very hard spot right now b/c I unfortunately made the unwise decision of becoming comfortable with having my kids watched by their grandparents (now ex-IL's of mine). It's sad, but NOTHING is free. If there isn't a financial price tag, then it's paid by sacrificing your ideals on how you want your children raised, etc.

Just food for thought. I'm sorry that you're having a hard time, but have to echo others. A house is a VERY large "gift", considering any new mortgage is going to be paid over the next 15-30 years. Maybe 6 months of doing all the work isn't that bad of a deal after all? It's all how you want to look at it. Personally, if I was giving a house to my not-yet-SIL, I would expect him to make some sacrifices.

If it's truly impacting his ability to do well in school, not just cutting into free time for the two of you, then of course it's time to sit down and tell them that he needs to get his work done. They are more than likely oblivious to that since I doubt they want him to do poorly in his classes. Good luck!
 

TooPatient

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 1, 2009
Messages
10,295
tammy77|1294432489|2817001 said:
I guess I would just add that this isn't going to end when your parents' house is built. If you're TTC, are you planning to have the same parents watch the baby? If so, I'd caution you to tread lightly. I'm smack dab in the middle of a very hard spot right now b/c I unfortunately made the unwise decision of becoming comfortable with having my kids watched by their grandparents (now ex-IL's of mine). It's sad, but NOTHING is free. If there isn't a financial price tag, then it's paid by sacrificing your ideals on how you want your children raised, etc.

Just food for thought. I'm sorry that you're having a hard time, but have to echo others. A house is a VERY large "gift", considering any new mortgage is going to be paid over the next 15-30 years. Maybe 6 months of doing all the work isn't that bad of a deal after all? It's all how you want to look at it. Personally, if I was giving a house to my not-yet-SIL, I would expect him to make some sacrifices.

If it's truly impacting his ability to do well in school, not just cutting into free time for the two of you, then of course it's time to sit down and tell them that he needs to get his work done. They are more than likely oblivious to that since I doubt they want him to do poorly in his classes. Good luck!

Yep.

Look over in the family section and BIW for some pretty outrageous parent/IL behavior.


If they have good intentions and don't realize they are making life hard for him, then sit down and talk -- I'm sure they'd understand!


They are paying for you BOTH(???) to go to school and your housing is "free" -- that is HUGE. Assuming you aren't working (okay... EVEN if you are working) dishes/laundry/shopping is NOT too much to expect.
 

FuturePsyD

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 17, 2010
Messages
309
NovemberBride|1294424636|2816813 said:
Paris,

You are not trapped or stuck - you and/or your FI could get jobs and support yourselves or use student loan money for housing. It might be tough, but lots of students do it, especially those who are married or TTC. Frankly, if the two of you have no income and are dependent upon your parents for the basic necessities (food, shelter, etc), then you really aren't in a place to TTC. IF you really intend on TTC in the near future, I suggest you look into how you can support yourselves.

I don't have too much sympathy for adults who complain about their parents controlling them, because they are only controlling you because you allow them to do so in exchange for the luxury of not having to work to support yourself. As others have said, if you want the free house, you'll have to put up with the current situation. If you don't want to put up with the current situation, you'll have to find your own housing.


^This.
 

paris29

Shiny_Rock
Joined
May 27, 2010
Messages
267
Thanks everyone for the advice.

NovemberBride-I just wanted to makes some things very clear. I'm not looking for sympathy I came on her looking for advice. My FH and I have been supporting ourselves for a while now. In fact we have both worked since we were 15-16, and this is the first year we have not worked, due to school. We have money saved for our wedding, future children, cars, etc. We don't want to come out of school in debt and thankfully we have been able to accomplish that goal. We buy our own food and pay for all of our necessities. My FH has been able to use grants and scholarships to pay for his school until the year. We work very hard to support ourselves. We are even starting our own business this summer. My parents have always insisted they pay for my school (no strings attached) and I feel blessed they are paying for FH school this year. Of course we could use the money we saved to rent out a place, but my mom doesn't want to sell this house because she has put so much work into it, and they will have no need for it when their other house is ready, so basically it would just be sitting here, which is why it seemed perfect at the time that we accept their gift of giving us the house. I don't feel it is your place to make a judgment call on whether or not we are ready to ttc. I never stated we were dependent on my parents or that we could not afford our own necessities.

After talking the last couple of days, my FH and I decided that we will continue to stay here for the time being, deal with things day by day. Some days it seems worst then others, like the night I started this thread. But in the end putting up with this whole situation will hopefully to be worth it in the end. We understand how wonderful it is that my parents are giving us this house, and we feel blessed that it is one less thing to worry about in the future. I plan on talking to my mom about a few things and seeing if we can find some common ground. I forgot who asked but my FH will be a SAHD, so my parents will of course spend time with our kids but they won't be babysitting very often.

Thanks again ladies!
 

StonieGrl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 23, 2009
Messages
647
You're in a rough spot here.

From your post, you sound to be financially and emotionally enmeshed with your parents. This is not a position to be in if you want a healthy and happy marriage or even a healthy and happy life as a single woman. Get out of their house, you'll feel much better about yourself and once you know you can reliably care for your own needs financially you can give some thought to the taking on the responsibility of a man who cannot support himself.
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
StonieGrl|1294699163|2819202 said:
You're in a rough spot here.

From your post, you sound to be financially and emotionally enmeshed with your parents. This is not a position to be in if you want a healthy and happy marriage or even a healthy and happy life as a single woman. Get out of their house, you'll feel much better about yourself and once you know you can reliably care for your own needs financially you can give some thought to the taking on the responsibility of a man who cannot support himself.

I've tried hard to ignore these comments, but frankly I have to say this. You really come across as a woman that uses men and the constant bashing of other ladies SO's because they don't live up to your expectations is getting very old, at least to me.
 
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