Rant...our older daughter said that ...

[decodelighted]

Besides having at least one spoiled brat daughter -- the other issue is your wife. Seems she might be a drama queen who enjoys stirring up problems where none exist. SHE is the one who ...

* asked D #1 if she *minded* a more expensive gift for D #2
and
* planned to get D #2 a much more expensive gift in the first place

and now SHE wants to be the hero & even everything back out to appease D #1.

 

[TravelingGal]

DF, I don't think you are dumb...so why are you ok with making your daughters dummies?

what do you meant by that statement?

While it's true that sometimes the squeaky wheel gets the grease, IMHO in the real world, spoiled, entitled people are perceived as rather dumb. You may not realize that the rest of the world may see your daughters the way we do, and you contribute to that.

 

[distracts]

Ok, I kept quiet until now but I decided to join in with my piece of advice. Give DD2 her bracelet. Sit DD1 down and tell her that, yes, DD2 gift cost more. Then remind her that you had to pay for her use of your CC, much beyond what was reasonable (treating other people on daddy's dime). If you factor that in, then things are even/DD2 is behind (whatever the real situation is). That is called a consequence.

Besides having at least one spoiled brat daughter -- the other issue is your wife. Seems she might be a drama queen who enjoys stirring up problems where none exist. SHE is the one who ...

* asked D #1 if she *minded* a more expensive gift for D #2
and
* planned to get D #2 a much more expensive gift in the first place

and now SHE wants to be the hero & even everything back out to appease D #1.

Agree with both of these. Your wife should NEVER have asked DD1 in the first place. That was a mistake. Appeasing her was another mistake.

I also think it is really unfair to take away/not give DD2's gift because DD1 whined. What happens when DD2 cries that you took away her gift because you love DD1 more than her and do everything to just make her happy? Do you then give them BOTH bracelet+earrings? How stupid is that? Teaching BOTH daughters that all they have to do is whine/cry in order to manipulate you? If you won't do that, then it looks like you actually love DD1 more. I don't know. This whole thing is just really stupid and dramatic and could have been prevented SO easily.

 

[movie zombie]

Ok, I kept quiet until now but I decided to join in with my piece of advice. Give DD2 her bracelet. Sit DD1 down and tell her that, yes, DD2 gift cost more. Then remind her that you had to pay for her use of your CC, much beyond what was reasonable (treating other people on daddy's dime). If you factor that in, then things are even/DD2 is behind (whatever the real situation is). That is called a consequence.

Besides having at least one spoiled brat daughter -- the other issue is your wife. Seems she might be a drama queen who enjoys stirring up problems where none exist. SHE is the one who ...

* asked D #1 if she *minded* a more expensive gift for D #2
and
* planned to get D #2 a much more expensive gift in the first place

and now SHE wants to be the hero & even everything back out to appease D #1.

Agree with both of these. Your wife should NEVER have asked DD1 in the first place. That was a mistake. Appeasing her was another mistake.

I also think it is really unfair to take away/not give DD2's gift because DD1 whined. What happens when DD2 cries that you took away her gift because you love DD1 more than her and do everything to just make her happy? Do you then give them BOTH bracelet+earrings? How stupid is that? Teaching BOTH daughters that all they have to do is whine/cry in order to manipulate you? If you won't do that, then it looks like you actually love DD1 more. I don't know. This whole thing is just really stupid and dramatic and could have been prevented SO easily.

in that instance, DF has been tag teamed by both daughters........

 

[Ella]

Please be considerate and polite everyone or the thread will be removed.

 

[nkarma]

I agree with all of Haven's posts.

I have read all of your other threads DF about CC abuse, downpayments, weddings, etc...I actually feel very sorry for your daughters. Instead of taking off the training wheels, you keep nailing them in to the point where they are probably functioning much below their peers and cannot walk on their own. You are enabling them. While I have never met your daughters and do not know if what I am saying is true, I have a strong feeling this lack of maturity is not only going to show in their family life, but also personal relationships and career. What happens if they don't get what they want at work? What if their boss asks them to do something menial? Even if they are the boss everyone has something they do at work that they don't like. How are they going to be partners to their future spouses if it is only all about them? What about friends? Yeah they can probably find friends like themselves, but a lot of people are going to be off put when they cry about breaking a nail and all the injustice in their life? I think another poster hit the nail on the head when they said someone who has been handed everything and who not is not appreciative or feels they "deserve" it, end up in their adult life not knowing what it is a like to have achieved anything for themselves. How horrible it would be to go through life handicapped like that. It sounds like you, have on the other hand, developed and encouraged the skill of manipulation.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Please be considerate and polite everyone or the thread will be removed.

Ella
please let PSers speak freely. i don't mind hearing from other members,b/c these replies don't hurt my feelings...

 

[Dancing Fire]

[quote="distracts|1336490348|3190111

I also think it is really unfair to take away/not give DD2's gift because DD1 whined. What happens when DD2 cries that you took away her gift because you love DD1 more than her and do everything to just make her happy? Do you then give them BOTH bracelet+earrings? How stupid is that? Teaching BOTH daughters that all they have to do is whine/cry in order to manipulate you? If you won't do that, then it looks like you actually love DD1 more. I don't know. This whole thing is just really stupid and dramatic and could have been prevented SO easily.[/quote]


that is the plan now.earrings for their graduation and save the bracelets for their weddings.

 

[rosetta]

Oh good DF. I don't think anyone is trying to hurt you intentionally. Looks like youve got a thick skin!

I know loads of Asian parents who like to moan about their spoilt children, whilst catering to their every whim. It's really odd to watch them from the outside.

Tell me, do any of these posts make you reconsider your approach to your girls?

 

[Octavia]

[quote="distracts|1336490348|3190111]

I also think it is really unfair to take away/not give DD2's gift because DD1 whined. What happens when DD2 cries that you took away her gift because you love DD1 more than her and do everything to just make her happy? Do you then give them BOTH bracelet+earrings? How stupid is that? Teaching BOTH daughters that all they have to do is whine/cry in order to manipulate you? If you won't do that, then it looks like you actually love DD1 more. I don't know. This whole thing is just really stupid and dramatic and could have been prevented SO easily.

that is the plan now.earrings for their graduation and save the bracelets for their weddings.[/quote][/quote][/quote]

DF, did you ever think that maybe one reason your younger daughter asked for the bracelet is so she can have something that is special and unique for her and not just a carbon copy of something her sister already has? That she is trying to show that she is a different person with different tastes and doesn't want to have everything identical anymore, especially now that they're both adults? I said it before and I'll say it again, I would be pretty upset if I were her. She loves and wants the bracelet right now, it seems very unfair of you to make her wait years to finally wear it just because her sister whined. Even though this is her graduation, it seems like her feelings and preferences are being completely disregarded.

ETA: I wouldn't say this if earrings were the standard gift for graduations in your family -- but you asked her what she wanted, you got it for her, and now you're withholding it to please your other daughter. That just doesn't sit right with me.

 

[TravelingGal]

Seriously DF, no more jewelry for them. No mas! Say NO SOUP FOR YOU!

I mean, why not spoil your lovely comrades here on Pricescope? *We* would never complain but sing you flowery odes and thanks until the sun set and beyond........

 

[Kaleigh]

Seriously DF, no more jewelry for them. No mas! Say NO SOUP FOR YOU!

I mean, why not spoil your lovely comrades here on Pricescope? *We* would never complain but sing you flowery odes and thanks until the sun set and beyond........

Ha!!!

 

[distracts]

[quote="distracts|1336490348|3190111]
I also think it is really unfair to take away/not give DD2's gift because DD1 whined. What happens when DD2 cries that you took away her gift because you love DD1 more than her and do everything to just make her happy? Do you then give them BOTH bracelet+earrings? How stupid is that? Teaching BOTH daughters that all they have to do is whine/cry in order to manipulate you? If you won't do that, then it looks like you actually love DD1 more. I don't know. This whole thing is just really stupid and dramatic and could have been prevented SO easily.

that is the plan now.earrings for their graduation and save the bracelets for their weddings.[/quote][/quote]

Yeah, but DD2 wanted the bracelet for graduation, not for her wedding, and didn't want the earrings at all! You let DD1 totally shanghai you guys into taking away the gift DD2 really wanted, which seems really unfair for her. Idk, I know I would be pissed at my parents if they gave me a present I didn't want because my brother thought the original present was unfair.

I also think saving a gift for a wedding is a stupidass idea. What if they never get married? What if it takes them twenty years to get married? What if one gets married and one doesn't? IF this is the approach you are going with, save the next gift for getting a job/promotion/raise/into grad school, or a birthday or Christmas. Something that will happen soon. And why not give DD2 the bracelet now and save the earrings for her and the bracelet for DD1 for a later event? I dunno. The whole thing seems so unfair it's making ME angry, and I'm not even involved.

And I do also think that giving them the SAME gifts is promoting competition.

"Even though this is her graduation, it seems like her feelings and preferences are being completely disregarded."

Agree with Octavia. My brother is graduating Saturday, and I would NEVER pull this kind of BS on him. He worked hard to graduate and deserves all the fun of the party and gifts.

 

[tammy77]

Why not just tell her that she'll probably (emphasis on PROBABLY) get the more expensive gift next go round? Or remind her that you just helped her buy a HOUSE? Or..Or..Yes, she's being a brat. Stop playing into it! You could always show her this thread that's several pages long telling her as much if she thinks you're being unfair or alone in the thought. Maybe it'll remind her of all of the things you have done for her but she's clearly forgotten about.

ETA:

I wasn't going to add this because it's pretty unbelievable, but I'll do it anyhow. Ironically I read this thread first when I was driving from Santa Rosa to Yountville (worst windy road ever) on the this past Sunday with my two kids. My youngest daughter asked me for a piece of gum. I said no because she'd already had enough junk (she wanted the non-sugar free treat kind).

Anyhow, after a few minutes as I was reading this thread and trying not to get carsick, my younger daughter quietly said "You love Rebecca more than you love me because..." and her voice trailed off to non existent babble. I gently but firmly told her that she knows that isn't true, I tell both of them often that love isn't a competition in our family and that kind of manipulation isn't allowed. I reminded her that I love her very much and I love her sister very much. She gets yelled at, sometimes much more than my older daughter, but that's because she's frequently butting heads with my DH and I. It's nonstop! Once I reminded her of these things, and pointed out that it was not okay to say such things because I wouldn't give her a piece of gum, she apologized and we went on our way. It never was about her sister, or feeling slighted. It was about trying to manipulate me to give her more than I was comfortable with giving her - for her own good.

This was all from my 7 year old daughter. My older daughter is 9. I have no doubt that your DD has been doing this in subtle little ways for a very long time, which is why your wife had the conversation with her in the first place. It's unfortunate that this type of behavior wasn't nipped in the bud long ago, but better late than never IMO.

 

[movie zombie]

all i know is that if i were DD#2, right now i'd be pissed at my parents and at my sister....

 

[Dancing Fire]

[quote="distracts|1336512882|3190432

I also think saving a gift for a wedding is a stupidass idea. What if they never get married? What if it takes them twenty years to get married? What if one gets married and one doesn't? IF this is the approach you are going with, save the next gift for getting a job/promotion/raise/into grad school, or a birthday or Christmas. Something that will happen soon. And why not give DD2 the bracelet now and save the earrings for her and the bracelet for DD1 for a later event? I dunno. The whole thing seems so unfair it's making ME angry, and I'm not even involved.

[/quote]
yeah,i guess we can go that route.

 

[Dancing Fire]

all i know is that if i were DD#2, right now i'd be pissed at my parents and at my sister....

but #2 doesn't know what's going on.

 

[Rhea]

We have two daughters in their 20's. The youngest always thinks we treat the oldest better, even though, like you, we end up spending much more money on the youngest by bailing her out financially. The oldest is totally responsible and asks for nothing. I don't think the youngest will ever think anything is fair. But we love them equally. You can't win in this. Ask her to trade in her earrings and buy her the bracelet.

According to my mother, this has my sister and I written all over it. When my parents volunteered to pay for part of my wedding years ago to the tune of $5,000, my sister had a hissy. It came out then that not only had they supported her for a longer time period (5 years in college for me vs 9 years for her) at a higher rate (I went to a rural school an hour away, she went to the city, actually 4 different city universities which required 2 cross-country moves!), but they also paid off a whooping credit card bill when sister ran into huge money problems. My sister will never see it and has just barely stopped pulling the "you get more than I do" card.

To be honest, I wouldn't worry about it. Give your daughters what they need. It's your money. My sister needs more than I do to get started and it's my parent's choice how they want to spend their money. But I also wouldn't ask their permission, that opens it up for arguments. I've never been asked my parent's permission on how to spend their money. Even when sister got both our inheritance to pay off her credit card bill

Are they close? My sister cares less what we get now that we're older and starting to get a bit closer. Or is something else missing in daughter 1's life? It's easy to pick on other people's faults when you aren't happy with yourself or feel like you aren't succeeding in the way that you wanted to. I think my sister finding her own path (dropping out of college entirely!) helped.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Seriously DF, no more jewelry for them. No mas! Say NO SOUP FOR YOU!

I mean, why not spoil your lovely comrades here on Pricescope? *We* would never complain but sing you flowery odes and thanks until the sun set and beyond........

this is IT,no more jewelry for them.. until their mommy get old then she'll split up her jewelry into equal values for their inheritance.

 

[hlmr]

Seriously DF, no more jewelry for them. No mas! Say NO SOUP FOR YOU!

I mean, why not spoil your lovely comrades here on Pricescope? *We* would never complain but sing you flowery odes and thanks until the sun set and beyond........

this is IT,no more jewelry for them.. until their mommy get old then she'll split up her jewelry into equal values for their inheritance.

She had better start now, to make sure it is even steven!

 

[sonnyjane]

Seriously DF, no more jewelry for them. No mas! Say NO SOUP FOR YOU!

I mean, why not spoil your lovely comrades here on Pricescope? *We* would never complain but sing you flowery odes and thanks until the sun set and beyond........

this is IT,no more jewelry for them.. until their mommy get old then she'll split up her jewelry into equal values for their inheritance.

She had better start now, to make sure it is even steven!

Ha! I wouldn't want to be a part of that task! Even if it was equal in value, I'm sure there will be quarrels over who got what pieces!!!

 

[movie zombie]

all i know is that if i were DD#2, right now i'd be pissed at my parents and at my sister....

but #2 doesn't know what's going on.

DF, that's horrible.

 

[Dancing Fire]

all i know is that if i were DD#2, right now i'd be pissed at my parents and at my sister....

but #2 doesn't know what's going on.

DF, that's horrible.

b/c the bracelet is suppose to be her surprise gift.

 

[Maria D]

DF, I don't follow your posts as closely as others here say they do, but from what I gather in this thread, it's only DD#1 that you have complained about, not DD#2. So I'm curious, do you favor DD#2? Not love her more, I'm sure you love them both as much as you possibly can, but do you respect DD#2 more and feel that she deserves a thrilling surprise more because she hasn't acted entitled like DD#1 has over the years? For whatever reason, DD#1 feels you favor #2 and the graduation gift costing 4 times as much as hers "proves" it to her. Maybe she's crazy or maybe she's justified: maybe you do favor #2 because #1 acts like such a prima donna!

 

[blingtastic]

Wow...some of these posts are vicious. It defintely makes me think twice about posting any issues I might have. I wouldn't want to be called "stupid" and an "enabler". Some of posts have really surprised me. I've always loved PS for all the support and care the poster's give. I have a feeling that DF is actually posting just to vent. We don't know his family dynamics, so I don't think it is our place to judge. I think we can offer advice, but it is his choice whether to take it or not. Those who believe he is on this site just to brag about his wealth, you also have the choice not to read his post, if his posts bother you so much.

That said, I think it is possible that your daughter is equating the amount spent as an indication of love. Like one poster said, is it possible that you do favor D1 over D2? Maybe your personalty meshes better with D2 and your D1 senses that?

When I was growing up there was a definite discrepancy on how much my parents spent on my older sister and I. They definitely spent more on her, and to some extent I understood that. We had very different personalities. I was quiet and studious and my sister was vocal and outgoing. She was also older and always got things first whereas I got all her hand-me-downs. There was one time I really wanted a new pair of pants that were really popular and I had saved up enough to pay for half of it and asked my mom if she could pay for the other half. My mom said no, that we didn't have the money. The very next day, she gave my sister $300 to pay for a trip to a jr. high school conference and gave her $50 for spending money. My pants would have cost her $15. I think my dad felt sorry for me, and took me on a secret trip to the mall and told me he would buy the pants for me, but I figured after all the money they used for my sister, they really didn't have any left over for me so I ended up not getting them. I never asked them for anything ever again.

Growing older was similar. I went to a state college which happened to be close to home so I could commute. I worked a part-time job and paid my parents $700 a month for rent, and used the rest of the money I earned as a payment for a car I purchased. My parents bought my sister a newcar and paid off all her credit cards each semester.

After growing up, I brought up the issues I had with this. She told me that it was because my sister and my personalities were different. My sister was more like her, and thus she could understand her thought process better. If my sister wanted something, she would ask a hundred times for it (which gave my mom time to think of whether it was something she really needed), whereas I would only ask once and if she said no, I never asked again (so she made the assumption that it wasn't something that I really wanted.) But I have to say growing up, that I really did feel that my mother favored my sister.

So, my long winded point is that perhaps your D1 is inadvertantly picking up that you care for for D2 more by the way you treat them? Perhaps D1 is always having to ask for things from you whereas D2 doesn't have to because you just give it to her? Maybe D1 feels that you resent the things you do for her, whereas it seems like you do things for D2 without her having to ask since you are trying to be fair?

I do have to re-iterate what some other PSers have said about D2 feeling sad about not getting the gift that she had asked for. I do think
that you need to have a talk with D1 about all that you have done for her and let her know that you have been much more generous to her than her sister. But I feel that perhaps there is something else that is driving her to be dissatisfied. That's just my 2 cents.

 

[TravelingGal]

Wow...some of these posts are vicious. It defintely makes me think twice about posting any issues I might have. I wouldn't want to be called "stupid" and an "enabler". Some of posts have really surprised me. I've always loved PS for all the support and care the poster's give. I have a feeling that DF is actually posting just to vent. We don't know his family dynamics, so I don't think it is our place to judge. I think we can offer advice, but it is his choice whether to take it or not. Those who believe he is on this site just to brag about his wealth, you also have the choice not to read his post, if his posts bother you so much.

What Pricescope have you been reading? Sure there is care and support here, but PSers can really smack someone upside the head with gusto. No one wants to hit you when you're down, but we all know it takes a LOT more than what people have said to get DF down.

And sure it's my place to judge. Judging is normal, healthy, and how we choose the paths we want for our own lives.

 

[Dancing Fire]

we don't have a favored child. we treat them both the same,but to be honest DD #1 was more expensive to raise.

 

[blingtastic]

Travelinggal
Umm...the same one as you. The same one that concerned the moderator enough to have stepped in and state "Please be considerate and polite everyone or the thread will be removed." Obviously it was stated because she believed that there were some comments that weren't so considerate or polite. It is possible that perhaps you haven't read each and every post on this thread therefore are not aware of the posts that seemed to be aggressive. I didn't mean to imply that all the posts were attacks. The majority actually did offer good advice. Howvever, it was the few that seemed to be attacking him , that I was referring to. Those posts weren't very constructive in my opinion. Actually, this is the first post I've read from him, and so it is also possible that I don't the same background knowledge and insight of the poster as you and some others do. Again, this is just my opinion.

As to judging, you are absolutely correct of course. You are free to judge people all you want. I guess I should have worded it as “i don’t feel comfortable judging his actions when I don’t know him or his family dymanics.”

I've been a long-time lurker, and learned alot from Pricescope and their members. They were actually instrumental in helping me find my diamond engagement ring back in 2005. And I'm forever greatful that through their knowledge I was able to find my perfect square emerald. Some comments just surprised me as it didn't sound encouraging or constructive. Didn't mean to offend you or anyone by my first post.

 

[TravelingGal]

Umm...the same one as you. The same one that concerned the moderator enough to have stepped in and state "Please be considerate and polite everyone or the thread will be removed." Obviously it was stated because she believed that there were some comments that weren't so considerate or polite. It is possible that perhaps you haven't read each and every post on this thread therefore are not aware of the posts that seemed to be aggressive. I didn't mean to imply that all the posts were attacks. The majority actually did offer good advice. Howvever, it was the few that seemed to be attacking him , that I was referring to. Those posts weren't very constructive in my opinion. Actually, this is the first post I've read from him, and so it is also possible that I don't the same background knowledge and insight of the poster as you and some others do. Again, this is just my opinion.

As to judging, you are absolutely correct of course. You are free to judge people all you want. I guess I should have worded it as “i don’t feel comfortable judging his actions when I don’t know him or his family dymanics.”

I wasn't talking about *this* thread. I was jesting that PS has always been a place where some people tell it like it is...and sometimes none too politely.

And THIS is the first post you've read from DF? Meaning, ever? Meaning, how is that you're registered in 2008 and you have NO idea who DF is, or the shenanigans he brings to the table? You must not really have been lurking before you used your first post to defend our darling Dancing Fire (who I do love, btw. )

ETA, just saw your update. Don't even think there was hangout back then? Hm...maybe something like pricescope cafe. Can't remember. But DF has been making mischief at least since then!

 

[Imdanny]

all i know is that if i were DD#2, right now i'd be pissed at my parents and at my sister....

but #2 doesn't know what's going on.

DF, that's horrible.

I have a feeling that if and when she found out 1. This is what happened, 2. She didn't get her bracelet for her graduation, she'd be very hurt.