Rant...our older daughter said that ...

[Dancing Fire]

I don't see how Daughter #1, a grown woman, whose parents helped her buy a house, crying over a bracelet and, basically saying she has not received enough, is justifiable.

yeah, #1 had no problem with the bracelet til yesterday..

 

[Dancing Fire]

not debt...she was using my CC while attending college.

As I recall the story, she was abusing your credit card while in college. Wasn't she being pretty generous to others on your dime? Or am I confusing her with some other PS'er's daughter?

yep,that was D #1...

 

[mayerling]

Okay - I have a slightly different perspective than most of the other posters so far - when it comes to "life event" type gifts (HS grad, college grad, wedding, etc) given to your children, I fall in the camp of thinking these should be as similar in cost and type as possible... I looked very quickly at the BGD site and if the bangle I saw is the one you purchased for D#2 it seems her gift was apx $2400 and D#1's gift was apx $650 -- these two gifts do not seem comparable at all other than both being diamond jewelry items. Of course children compare gifts, especially when they are given for the same reason, i.e., graduation - and it does seem quite apparent on the face of it that D#2 did get a more expensive gift - unless D#1's gift is actually of the same value of D#2's gift but due to differing economies then and now the cost for the same value gift has risen by that much? (seems unlikely). Whether or not you at this point have given more $$$ to D#1 is basically irrelevant - unless your position is that only D#1 receives help with house purchase and that D#2 will not receive similar help for similar purchase (or if D#2 will never buy a house that you have not already or will not in the future address this inequity)?

Ditto!

 

[Cluless]

Oh DF a great big hug to you and the Mrs. you sound like wounderful parents. You don't need to justify anything to her I would just maybe remind her that you do love them both dearly and provided a great education for them so they can stand on their own 2 feet when your no longer around taking care of them xo. ( On a humerous note my younger one who is a boy says we favour our daughter because she has boobs lol)

 

[ksinger]

I'm sorry, but your daughter sounds like an ungrateful spoiled brat.

I would LOVE to see how my parents would react if I ever complained that my sister got "more" of a gift than I did for anything. Actually, i know *exactly* how they'd react, because this is how my family works: that gift I complained about would be the last gift I *ever* got from them. Ever.

The fact that your wife asked for DD1's permission to give DD2 a more expensive gift is very strange to me. Why are you asking your children for permission to do anything?

I'm sorry DF, but after all these stories about your children, I think you are dealing with monsters that you and your wife created all by yourselves. I'm having a hard time feeling sorry for you, or blaming DD1 for her behavior. You've clearly taught her that this is acceptable, and that bad behavior will be rewarded.

Ditto times a billion to this.

So much for such loudly proclaimed conservatism. Moaning about those ungrateful people with a sense of entitlement is very popular and morally high, until it comes to the people YOU create. And this is not the first time I've seen this particular mindset. And because most of us do with our children what our parents did with us only BETTER, your daughters will likely raise the next generation to be just as, if not MORE, entitled than you raised them. Good job!!

I'm with Haven, I was an only child, but I could not in any way be considered "spoiled" - I was pretty lucky to get new socks every Christmas. (In fact, socks were a long-standing Christmas joke at our house - great fun as I got older) Regardless of which gifts I got, it was impressed upon me at an early age that gifts, no matter how small, were to be graciously accepted with sincere thanks - because NO ONE OWED YOU A GIFT - EVER, and NEVER compared to anyone else's.

DF, you have indeed created your own hell. And you're rather obviously getting something out of it - feeling needed, churning drama, and most important, control - probably a combination of all three. I've seen it before in families with money. Very common. (And don't claim to not have money DF, because anyone giving money to a kid for a house, and planning to give the other one the same gift, is NOT living hand to mouth) I even dated a guy who came from a family like that. I found the snarky, wounded, behind-the-scenes gift comparisons at Christmas to be revolting, honestly.

So, not one drop of sympathy. I suspect you also enjoy the fact that you can come here and get people to respond. More drama perhaps? Sad.

 

[Octavia]

If I was daughter #2, I might feel kind of hurt that my parents asked me what I wanted for graduation, then gave me something I didn't actually want because my sister bullied them into it. I'd still be grateful for the gift I did get, but would probably resent daughter #1 a bit for making what was supposed to be my special reward for a job well done all about her instead. Just sayin'...

 

[Maisie]

So much for such loudly proclaimed conservatism. Moaning about those ungrateful people with a sense of entitlement is very popular and morally high, until it comes to the people YOU create. And this is not the first time I've seen this particular mindset. And because most of us do with our children what our parents did with us only BETTER, your daughters will likely raise the next generation to be just as, if not MORE, entitled than you raised them. Good job!!

I'm with Haven, I was an only child, but I could not in any way be considered "spoiled" - I was pretty lucky to get new socks every Christmas. (In fact, socks were a long-standing Christmas joke at our house - great fun as I got older) Regardless of which gifts I got, it was impressed upon me at an early age that gifts, no matter how small, were to be graciously accepted with sincere thanks - because NO ONE OWED YOU A GIFT - EVER, and NEVER compared to anyone else's.

DF, you have indeed created your own hell. And you're rather obviously getting something out of it - feeling needed, churning drama, and most important, control - probably a combination of all three. I've seen it before in families with money. Very common. (And don't claim to not have money DF, because anyone giving money to a kid for a house, and planning to give the other one the same gift, is NOT living hand to mouth) I even dated a guy who came from a family like that. I found the snarky, wounded, behind-the-scenes gift comparisons at Christmas to be revolting, honestly.

So, not one drop of sympathy. I suspect you also enjoy the fact that you can come here and get people to respond. More drama perhaps? Sad.

I agree with all of this!

Almost all of DF's question posts are to do with money. Its like you love to show us you have lots of it. And thats fine, just don't come whinging to us when your clearly spoilt children are tantruming because you didn't buy them the right gift. I don't think buying them everything they want makes you a good parent either. I don't buy my children expensive items but i'm still an excellent parent. Its not all about the money.

 

[Asu]

Had I done something like that,I would have been ordered to give back the earrings and the house money,and my sister would have received both her bracelet AND the earrings I obviously didn't appreciate nearly enough.

 

[hlmr]

So much for such loudly proclaimed conservatism. Moaning about those ungrateful people with a sense of entitlement is very popular and morally high, until it comes to the people YOU create. And this is not the first time I've seen this particular mindset. And because most of us do with our children what our parents did with us only BETTER, your daughters will likely raise the next generation to be just as, if not MORE, entitled than you raised them. Good job!!

I'm with Haven, I was an only child, but I could not in any way be considered "spoiled" - I was pretty lucky to get new socks every Christmas. (In fact, socks were a long-standing Christmas joke at our house - great fun as I got older) Regardless of which gifts I got, it was impressed upon me at an early age that gifts, no matter how small, were to be graciously accepted with sincere thanks - because NO ONE OWED YOU A GIFT - EVER, and NEVER compared to anyone else's.

DF, you have indeed created your own hell. And you're rather obviously getting something out of it - feeling needed, churning drama, and most important, control - probably a combination of all three. I've seen it before in families with money. Very common. (And don't claim to not have money DF, because anyone giving money to a kid for a house, and planning to give the other one the same gift, is NOT living hand to mouth) I even dated a guy who came from a family like that. I found the snarky, wounded, behind-the-scenes gift comparisons at Christmas to be revolting, honestly.

So, not one drop of sympathy. I suspect you also enjoy the fact that you can come here and get people to respond. More drama perhaps? Sad.

I agree with all of this!

Almost all of DF's question posts are to do with money. Its like you love to show us you have lots of it. And thats fine, just don't come whinging to us when your clearly spoilt children are tantruming because you didn't buy them the right gift. I don't think buying them everything they want makes you a good parent either. I don't buy my children expensive items but i'm still an excellent parent. Its not all about the money.

Wow, I wish we all could be such perfect, excellent parents. We all do our best, in the way we know how, and while it's always great to share differing advice and opinions, there is no need to be condescending and nasty.

The thing is, I don't think this issue is really about money at all. It is about what the parents spending of said money represents to them.

 

[packrat]

Christ on a crutch just give em money next time, the same amount each every fricken time and tell em to shut their pie holes. Are they five? Good gawd. I go thru the SAME shit w/my dads side of the family, have since I was little. I'm so sick of that crap I could puke. When Grampa died and Gramma wanted to move out of their ginormous house in town (well, needed to b/c her health was failing) she wanted us all to take things. They bought a lot of the collector plates, bells etc. They had about 60 of the blue and white Swedish plates, they used to hang on the porch and in the kitchen of their old farmhouse and that's a part of my child hood I love to remember. I asked for those-I'd actually asked for them years and years ago. My aunt/cousins were MORTIFIED b/c *I* got 60 plates (guesstimate), like 7 different sets or whatever, and THEY only got four or five sets. They had more PLATES but not the same amount of SETS. Honest to pete it was about a knock down drag out FIGHT over it. Their plates were worth more money-MINE are SENTIMENTAL. They picked out more expensive things so they could sell it-but I picked out things that MEANT something to me, but if I got ONE more thing than they did, it was whine baby pee pants time. Oh, and they picked out $30,000 worth of furniture--my plates are worth a few hundred dollars, but the plates mean something to me, I couldn't give a crap about selling them, and they DON'T have the furniture anymore, go figure eh? So..yeah, I don't have the time of day for people that act like that. If they can't act like adults, and accept gifts in the spirit in which they are intended and accept that fact that a gift is not a REQUIREMENT, then they don't really need them, far as I'm concerned.

I know you just wanted to vent DF, we all need to vent, but jeez dude..put the kibosh on it now or it's just going to get worse as they get older. You don't want daughters like my aunt/cousins, I can promise you that.

 

[packrat]

Oh, and I get what Maisie is trying to say. The girls sound like they don't care that their parents took the time to thoughtfully pick out gifts to commemorate their daughters accomplishments, they just care about the money spent. And it's not supposed to be about the money, right? It's a gift. A present. Do they compare Christmas/birthday presents? My purse cost 250 but hers cost 275, it's not FAIR!! *stomp stomp stomp*, pouty face, lip sticking out so a big fat toad can jump up and poop on it.

 

[risingsun]

DF~ I do hope you give your younger daughter the bracelet you bought her for her graduation. You asked her what she wanted and this is what she requested. You never told her that it would be a problem. It was not your older daughter's place to have input into whether her sister should have this bracelet. I would return the second bracelet. When the time comes that you want to give a gift to your older daughter, you can have a discussion about what she would like and don't involve your younger daughter. I don't think it is wise to punish your younger girl to molllify your older one. This is not your older daughter's business.

 

[Haven]

DFire--I hope I didn't offend you with my original post in this thread. It seems I have a different perspective than some about what it means to be a good friend. I believe I'm being friendly when I point out that you have some control over this situation that is obviously vexing you. I could easily come in here and say I am so sorry that your daughter is treating you this way, but that wouldn't be helpful. That's just enabling. Cheering on behavior that I know to be causing you pain is akin to telling a dear friend that she looks gorgeous in a dress and encouraging her to wear it to a public event when, in truth, I know it makes her look very, very bad.

I like you. I think you're a kind, good person. I think you love your daughters very much, I'm sure you're wonderful parents, and it appears taht you've taught them that they can take you and your wife for granted. Unwittingly, of course. I don't like seeing that. I don't like seeing you taken advantage of again and again and again. The only way for that to stop is for you to change the way you behave with your daughters. I'm not going to pretend that I don't see something that might help you out.

Do you know any addicts? I do. An addict's best friend will risk angering her by staging an intervention and helping her see the truth. An addict's worst enemy will loan her some cash for her next score, or tell her that nothing's wrong and enable her to continue living in a destructive cycle.

So please accept my apologies if my last post upset you. That was not my intent. I don't think you're a bad parent, I never said that even though others seemed to interpret my post that way. I think you are as loving a parent as they come, and that makes your daughters very lucky. And I think you have some control over this situation, and I hope you choose to exert it. For your own sake, and your daughter's.

 

[Dancing Fire]

So much for such loudly proclaimed conservatism. Moaning about those ungrateful people with a sense of entitlement is very popular and morally high, until it comes to the people YOU create. And this is not the first time I've seen this particular mindset. And because most of us do with our children what our parents did with us only BETTER, your daughters will likely raise the next generation to be just as, if not MORE, entitled than you raised them. Good job!!

I'm with Haven, I was an only child, but I could not in any way be considered "spoiled" - I was pretty lucky to get new socks every Christmas. (In fact, socks were a long-standing Christmas joke at our house - great fun as I got older) Regardless of which gifts I got, it was impressed upon me at an early age that gifts, no matter how small, were to be graciously accepted with sincere thanks - because NO ONE OWED YOU A GIFT - EVER, and NEVER compared to anyone else's.

DF, you have indeed created your own hell. And you're rather obviously getting something out of it - feeling needed, churning drama, and most important, control - probably a combination of all three. I've seen it before in families with money. Very common. (And don't claim to not have money DF, because anyone giving money to a kid for a house, and planning to give the other one the same gift, is NOT living hand to mouth) I even dated a guy who came from a family like that. I found the snarky, wounded, behind-the-scenes gift comparisons at Christmas to be revolting, honestly.

So, not one drop of sympathy. I suspect you also enjoy the fact that you can come here and get people to respond. More drama perhaps? Sad.

I agree with all of this!

Almost all of DF's question posts are to do with money. Its like you love to show us you have lots of it. And thats fine, just don't come whinging to us when your clearly spoilt children are tantruming because you didn't buy them the right gift. I don't think buying them everything they want makes you a good parent either. I don't buy my children expensive items but i'm still an excellent parent. Its not all about the money.

if i had a lot of money i would be sporting a big diamond ring. ...

 

[ForteKitty]

DF- you sound just like how my grandparents were w/ my uncle. He was the most spoiled one, yet he always felt like my grandparents favored my mom and my other uncle. He even received the biggest "gift" when it came time to buy his house.

When my grandma ended up in the hospital for 3 months, we all took turns sleeping there to make sure she didn't wake up scared. She has severe nightmares resulting from WW2, and cries when she wakes up in a strange place alone.

He didn't even bother to visit her. Not ONCE. Remember that.

 

[Dancing Fire]

DFire--I hope I didn't offend you with my original post in this thread. It seems I have a different perspective than some about what it means to be a good friend. I believe I'm being friendly when I point out that you have some control over this situation that is obviously vexing you. I could easily come in here and say I am so sorry that your daughter is treating you this way, but that wouldn't be helpful. That's just enabling. Cheering on behavior that I know to be causing you pain is akin to telling a dear friend that she looks gorgeous in a dress and encouraging her to wear it to a public event when, in truth, I know it makes her look very, very bad.

nahhh...you must try harder than that..

 

[madelise]

DF- you sound just like how my grandparents were w/ my uncle. He was the most spoiled one, yet he always felt like my grandparents favored my mom and my other uncle. He even received the biggest "gift" when it came time to buy his house.

When my grandma ended up in the hospital for 3 months, we all took turns sleeping there to make sure she didn't wake up scared. She has severe nightmares resulting from WW2, and cries when she wakes up in a strange place alone.

He didn't even bother to visit her. Not ONCE. Remember that.

This is so sad Fortekitty..

 

[Haven]

That's what I thought.

 

[violet3]

My parents have never given me a diamond in my life...I'm pretty sure they would think that's a waste of money. Having said that, my dad loaned me money for a downpayment on my first home, which I returned within 6 months. With the economy being what it is, I'm certain he could never do that for my brother now. I don't have children, but I do have parents who love me and have always provided me with what I needed - I would be really ashamed to EVER question the importance of how much they love me based on what they have spent to celebrate my accomplishments. I am so grateful for what they have given me over the years, I couldn't imagine behaving like your daughter. She should really be ashamed of herself.

 

[E B]

Oh, look. It's the song that never ends.

I'm sorry, but your daughter sounds like an ungrateful spoiled brat.

I would LOVE to see how my parents would react if I ever complained that my sister got "more" of a gift than I did for anything. Actually, i know *exactly* how they'd react, because this is how my family works: that gift I complained about would be the last gift I *ever* got from them. Ever.

The fact that your wife asked for DD1's permission to give DD2 a more expensive gift is very strange to me. Why are you asking your children for permission to do anything?

I'm sorry DF, but after all these stories about your children, I think you are dealing with monsters that you and your wife created all by yourselves. I'm having a hard time feeling sorry for you, or blaming DD1 for her behavior. You've clearly taught her that this is acceptable, and that bad behavior will be rewarded.

Ditto times a billion to this.

So much for such loudly proclaimed conservatism. Moaning about those ungrateful people with a sense of entitlement is very popular and morally high, until it comes to the people YOU create. And this is not the first time I've seen this particular mindset. And because most of us do with our children what our parents did with us only BETTER, your daughters will likely raise the next generation to be just as, if not MORE, entitled than you raised them. Good job!!

Allllll of this.

Seriously, DF, how many of these threads have you posted over the years? Look at how spoiled my daughters are! How can they take advantage of us like this? And then after pages of advice or e-kicks in the rear, you update with details of how you folded AGAIN. What's the point? I think Maisie (and anyone else I missed) is onto something here. You clearly aren't looking for advice, so what? I mean, what an odd way to brag, if that's your goal.

 

[PintoBean]

Rant away, DF!

Just remind D#1 that life's pretty good if THIS is what drove her to tears.

 

[movie zombie]

DF~ I do hope you give your younger daughter the bracelet you bought her for her graduation. You asked her what she wanted and this is what she requested. You never told her that it would be a problem. It was not your older daughter's place to have input into whether her sister should have this bracelet. I would return the second bracelet. When the time comes that you want to give a gift to your older daughter, you can have a discussion about what she would like and don't involve your younger daughter. I don't think it is wise to punish your younger girl to molllify your older one. This is not your older daughter's business.

this is so very true.

 

[Kaleigh]

I'm not going to school you , but do hope DD #1 apologized. You paid for her education and her house. She should have kept her trap shut.

DD2, I hope she loves and enjoys her lovely bracelet.

Post pics please...

I haven't seen recent pics..

And perhaps Mrs DF is enabling DD #1? I have no clue.

To me, you gave them both lovely gifts and the second one will be more expensive because it's 4 years later. Like who counts this kind of stuff??

My kids would be smacked silly if they ever said this to me. I said education is my gift to you, you mess up all bets are off. Luckily one graduated from U of Penn and works for a big firm as a Financial Analyst, and son will graduate next year, and has a great internship this summer.


They know kids who get everything handed to them and they actually feel sorry for them. Meaning they don't know what they could achieve on their own. My son went out on a limb and studied Arabic. It's his minor, he's fluent. I am so very proud.

I know great things are ahead for your daughter. She should be very proud of this milestone.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Seriously, DF, how many of these threads have you posted over the years? Look at how spoiled my daughters are! How can they take advantage of us like this? And then after pages of advice or e-kicks in the rear, you update with details of how you folded AGAIN. What's the point? I think Maisie (and anyone else I missed) is onto something here. You clearly aren't looking for advice, so what? I mean, what an odd way to brag, if that's your goal.

if this is bragging on my part then there are a lot of BOASTERS on the SMTB forum...

you wanna hear me brag? wait until i get a BIG rock on my finger...

 

[E B]

That was my point, DF. This site has a whole FORUM for bragging. (And I mean that in the best way.)

It's your life and they're your children. Do what you think is right, but don't be surprised as their expectations continue to grow.

if this is bragging on my part then there are a lot of BOASTERS on the SMTB forum...

you wanna hear me brag? wait until i get a BIG rock on my finger...

 

[VRBeauty]

you wanna hear me brag? wait until i get a BIG rock on my finger...

We'd love to see you with that big rock on your finger, DF - which is part of the reason we give you a hard time when we think your kids are taking advantage of you. Consider it PS tough love.

 

[TravelingGal]

DF, I don't think you are dumb...so why are you ok with making your daughters dummies?

 

[Dancing Fire]

DF, I don't think you are dumb...so why are you ok with making your daughters dummies?

what do you meant by that statement?

 

[rubybeth]

I think your daughters need to have things put into perspective for them. My parents paid for our undergraduate educations (at a state school, while we lived at home) and got us each started off with a used car (I'd guess around $5k each), and have been very careful to be fair about giving us money, gifts, etc. It would NEVER have occurred to either my sister or I to total up the monetary value of these things and then cry to our parents about it if it wasn't exactly equal. I feel kind of embarrassed for your daughters. Does your oldest realize how silly this sounds when you recently helped her buy a house?

My dad has worked with disabled people for his entire career, and hearing stories about these people always reminded us how good we had it, just to have a home, parents who cared about us, a normal IQ, and the ability to work and take care of ourselves. To cry over a a lack of diamonds? My goodness, there are starving people! Tell your daughter her 'make up gift' is to go and work in a soup kitchen as a family for a day.

My mom also learned the hard way that there is no pleasing some people. She has no contact with one of her sisters (my aunt) after a falling out over who got to buy their parents' farm. Apparently, her sister thought that my grandparents should just sell her the farm for basically nothing, but my grandparents needed the money to move into town and pay for medical bills as they aged. The sister then cut out her entire family for the apparent disservice they had done to her. It's not even worth it for my mom to try to reconcile with this sister because she'll just find fault with something else and the cycle will begin again.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Ok, I kept quiet until now but I decided to join in with my piece of advice. Give DD2 her bracelet. Sit DD1 down and tell her that, yes, DD2 gift cost more. Then remind her that you had to pay for her use of your CC, much beyond what was reasonable (treating other people on daddy's dime). If you factor that in, then things are even/DD2 is behind (whatever the real situation is). That is called a consequence.