Rant...our older daughter said that ...

[rosetta]

Uh, it's a gift. Not an entitlement.

Really.


On the other hand, I think it's a good idea to give similar significant milestone gifts to your children.

Somehow, people forget how much they've been given over the years, once the shiney new toy is being given to another. Logic goes out the window, and the ole memory fails a bit.

 

[lliang_chi]

DF, From your title, this seems like a thread you needed just to get things off your chest. I hope BOTH your daughters see how much you and Mrs. DF have given them and truly appreciate it. Not everyone is so lucky. Good luck.

~LC

 

[Kaleigh]

I think your feelings are hurt. I know you do all you can for your daughters. I don't see why she would be jealous. You don't favor one over the other and have known you for 8 years now.

So a hug that she hurt your feelings. I know you won't say that she hurt you. Because you are too proud, but I know you and yeah this sucks.

 

[hlmr]

DF, From your title, this seems like a thread you needed just to get things off your chest. I hope BOTH your daughters see how much you and Mrs. DF have given them and truly appreciate it. Not everyone is so lucky. Good luck.

~LC

This!!

Hope it all works out for you DF!

 

[Fly Girl]

If our kids ever pull that, we just say that they each get what they need, when they need it. I, for sure, would never run out and buy the kid who complained a gift for her sister's graduation. Geez.

 

[iLander]

IS Daughter #2 your favorite? Perhaps you've done many small things over the years that have bothered your first daughter, but this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Or perhaps she's being crafty and thinks that if she turns on the water works, you'll feel guilty enough to buy her something else to make up the price difference.

Personally, I'd guess option 2...

her mom said here's what we gonna do...we'll go to Costco and buy the same pair of earrings as yours for your sister's graduation, your dad will order another bracelet (which i did last night) then when you girls get marry these bracelets will be your wedding gift from us.

DD #1 said...that's not the point you and dad had already hurt my feelings.. when we graduated from HS we both received diamond pendants of the approx value. one Xmas we both received a pair of WF diamond earrings. we have always received the same amount of cash for chinese new year.

going to Costco now to see if they still stock the .50ctw hoop earrings.

ARE YOU CRAZY? You're rewarding bad behavior! She throws a tantrum and you give her a reward. Guess what that gets you?

More tantrums!

What would your parents have said if you did that to them? Seriously, what would they have done?

 

[iLander]

If our kids ever pull that, we just say that they each get what they need, when they need it. I, for sure, would never run out and buy the kid who complained a gift for her sister's graduation. Geez.

Bingo.

 

[sonnyjane]

IS Daughter #2 your favorite? Perhaps you've done many small things over the years that have bothered your first daughter, but this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Or perhaps she's being crafty and thinks that if she turns on the water works, you'll feel guilty enough to buy her something else to make up the price difference.

Personally, I'd guess option 2...

her mom said here's what we gonna do...we'll go to Costco and buy the same pair of earrings as yours for your sister's graduation, your dad will order another bracelet (which i did last night) then when you girls get marry these bracelets will be your wedding gift from us.

DD #1 said...that's not the point you and dad had already hurt my feelings.. when we graduated from HS we both received diamond pendants of the approx value. one Xmas we both received a pair of WF diamond earrings. we have always received the same amount of cash for chinese new year.

going to Costco now to see if they still stock the .50ctw hoop earrings.

ARE YOU CRAZY? You're rewarding bad behavior! She throws a tantrum and you give her a reward. Guess what that gets you?

More tantrums!

What would your parents have said if you did that to them? Seriously, what would they have done?

YOWZER I agree! The animal trainer in me is boiling under my skin! You strike me as a very intelligent person, so I can't understand why you're not seeing what WE are all seeing!

 

[MissStepcut]

I'll just say that even very well-adjusted, pleasant, successful adults can bring their bratty, childish side when it comes to immediate family matters. It's something I remember lamenting about with friends when we would go home for the holidays during college. Everyone hated how they watched themselves regress. Heck, my friend who is turning 30 (and generally a very even keel, sweet girl) was calling her parents earlier this year to force them to referee her argument with her little sister. And that argument also resulted in daddy writing a check.

 

[Efe]

I'm sorry, but your daughter sounds like an ungrateful spoiled brat.

I would LOVE to see how my parents would react if I ever complained that my sister got "more" of a gift than I did for anything. Actually, i know *exactly* how they'd react, because this is how my family works: that gift I complained about would be the last gift I *ever* got from them. Ever.

The fact that your wife asked for DD1's permission to give DD2 a more expensive gift is very strange to me. Why are you asking your children for permission to do anything?

I'm sorry DF, but after all these stories about your children, I think you are dealing with monsters that you and your wife created all by yourselves. I'm having a hard time feeling sorry for you, or blaming DD1 for her behavior. You've clearly taught her that this is acceptable, and that bad behavior will be rewarded.[/quote]

Agree to all, especially the bolded part. I actually feel very sorry for these two girls. This is the way they were taught to behave.

 

[monarch64]

I really doubt that DF's daughters are monsters or ungrateful, spoiled brats. Some parents show their love by giving expensive gifts or other things of monetary value and that is acceptable to them and works for their family. I think DF is venting, not expecting sympathy. I think the daughter is not unhappy over the actual gift, she's unhappy because she feels less loved than her sister because they've both been taught that money=love. It must be hard having two daughters, wanting to give them both lots of lovely things and doing so, but also knowing where to draw the line?

To this day my mother still feels a lot of guilt over some of her parenting choices--she has expressed this to me many times. I always tell her to give herself a break, that no parent is perfect.

 

[Black Jade]

Good luck, DF.
My sons stink like this, too.
They are constantly claiming favoritism and unfairness.
Not just about money.
My older son actually came home with an asthma inhalor one time. He had bronchitis or something and had finally gotten an inhalor, like his brother who has asthma and wanted us to see it, so that he could prove that he is sick, too. He says his brother had a better life because he has asthmas...??!!!!
We don't give either of them anything anymore. My husband has got good at saying NO. It is selfpreservation at this point.
We are going to retire by 2014 and start spending their inheritance.
Can't do anything about having spoiled them when they were younger, which I guess we did,b ut certainly don't have to keep doing it.
Sorry your eldest is ruining what should be a lovely time and standing in her sister's spotlight--especially since clearly, she had her turn.

 

[omc111]

My kids, now ages 30 and 28, still say that I prefer my dogs to both of them. And they may be right!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Oh DF, I'd be a rich woman if I had a $ for every time I've heard a variation on that from one of my kids! My response is that its hard for them to see it, but I have always given them what they need and that's my call to make. Please don't get into a dialogue with older daughter where she is pointing out the "wrongs" or supposed favoritism you've showed. It sounds like you have been tremendously generous with older daughter too, and now, she just needs to be reminded that you love her, that you take care of them as you see they need it, and its time for her to grow up!

they both got a Honda Civic.
we paid all their tuitions.
helped #1 with d/p on her house and she still think we favorite #2?..

 

[Dancing Fire]

DF - to your daughter. I know there's a possibility she's just acting out of immature hurt feelings, but this seems to be part of a pattern of her thinking that your money is somehow her money too. You and your wife DO NOT owe her an explanation, and you certainly do not owe her any sort of accounting, but I think if I were in your shoes I'd just tell her that of course you love both girls equally, and by the way... " you did spend a lot more of our money over the years."

And with that, I'm going to step back and let those who have actually fledged children successfully chime in!

ditto! sorry DF; I wouldn't even entertain her with reasons etc.

yep. and i would flat out tell her about all the $ she got that her sister did not over the years......wasn't there a lot of credit card debt as well?

not debt...she was using my CC while attending college.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

She sounds pretty spoiled to me. She's a grown woman now, if she wants one she should buy it herself. I don't know why anyone even mentioned to her that her sister's gift costs more, that's not her business at all.

It seems like you may have made your own mess of this by mentioning that the sister's gift was more expensive to begin with. Either way, she needs to get over it.

 

[Kaleigh]

My thing is that she is saying this gift costs more than hers.. Well yes, it was 4 years ago that she got her's and yes prices are way up.

Well at the end of the day DF, you and MRS DF raised two great daughters...

Congrats on her graduation!!! I bet she got all A's...

And kudos to you. You are a great dad..

 

[movie zombie]

DF, yes, your cc: and wasn't she buying expensive purses? i remember you posting and not liking that at all....

re the bracelets when they get married: what if one never marries?
what if one decides she wants a different color of gold because it won't match her e-ring?
remember how you hate entitlement? how you hate whining?
how you hate people not taking responsibility for themselves?
you usually call them such people liberals .......

the dollar is worth less now than it was when #1 graduated. if you just couldn't help telling her the price of DD#2's gift, you should have told her inflation was the cause of there being a price discrepency. given your politics, i just can't believe you are so easily manipulated..... she could tell by looking at how sparkly it was that it cost more?! and then cries?! followed by "the accusation"?! this young woman could teach Manipulation 101 any day and any time.

i may be a liberal but in this instance i'd be a cold hearted conservative.

 

[Begonia]

Holy crap.

Will you be my Dad?

 

[Autumnovember]

Tell her to GROW UP.

 

[winternight]

Okay - I have a slightly different perspective than most of the other posters so far - when it comes to "life event" type gifts (HS grad, college grad, wedding, etc) given to your children, I fall in the camp of thinking these should be as similar in cost and type as possible... I looked very quickly at the BGD site and if the bangle I saw is the one you purchased for D#2 it seems her gift was apx $2400 and D#1's gift was apx $650 -- these two gifts do not seem comparable at all other than both being diamond jewelry items. Of course children compare gifts, especially when they are given for the same reason, i.e., graduation - and it does seem quite apparent on the face of it that D#2 did get a more expensive gift - unless D#1's gift is actually of the same value of D#2's gift but due to differing economies then and now the cost for the same value gift has risen by that much? (seems unlikely). Whether or not you at this point have given more $$$ to D#1 is basically irrelevant - unless your position is that only D#1 receives help with house purchase and that D#2 will not receive similar help for similar purchase (or if D#2 will never buy a house that you have not already or will not in the future address this inequity)?

If that is the price difference it is huge, almost 4x as much. In my family my grandmother always got my sister and I the same
pieces even though we were far apart in age. I don't see what the downpayment has to do with it since I'm assuming you'll help number
two as much when she is ready to buy.

 

[VRBeauty]

not debt...she was using my CC while attending college.

As I recall the story, she was abusing your credit card while in college. Wasn't she being pretty generous to others on your dime? Or am I confusing her with some other PS'er's daughter?

 

[VRBeauty]

her mom said here's what we gonna do...we'll go to Costco and buy the same pair of earrings as yours for your sister's graduation, your dad will order another bracelet (which i did last night) then when you girls get marry these bracelets will be your wedding gift from us.

DD #1 said...that's not the point you and dad had already hurt my feelings.. when we graduated from HS we both received diamond pendants of the approx value. one Xmas we both received a pair of WF diamond earrings. we have always received the same amount of cash for chinese new year.

going to Costco now to see if they still stock the .50ctw hoop earrings.

sheesh. DF - it appears you guys just can't win.

If you're going to go this route, PLEASE don't make the bracelet a gift for getting married. There's enough pressure on young women to get married by a certain age so they can have children by a certain age as it is. Remember Miss World's thread? And the whole Alleycat's sister saga? Young women engaged to very. very wrong men because they want so badly to be married before they're too "old"? Please, please pledge to give the gifts for some other significant occasion that doesn't add to these pressures. Maybe stash the bracelets and make them 30th birthday gifts. The 30th birthday hits some people like a ton of bricks - wouldn't it be nice for them to have something to look forward to on that day?

 

[Dancing Fire]

Well, only you and your wife know if you are playing favorites but it seems to the superficial observer that your dd is spoiled by you guys. I mean, you helped buy her a house and paid for many expenses that many young adult kids pay for themselves. Again, we are only getting what you share with us so not a complete observation by any means. But from this superficial view she seems like a spoiled brat.
Sorry if that seems rude. You asked our opinion and I am sharing. From one previously spoiled brat to another.

ETA: love that bracelet! Gorgeous!
And congrats on your daughter's graduation!

hey,no problem.i think so too..

 

[AGBF]

Hi, DF-

Just checking in. Do I still resemble Mother Theresa in your eyes? If so, then maybe you will listen to me because you believe I am wise!

I am on the same team as lliang_chi, Heather (hlmr), and Lisa (Kaleigh). Yeah...I think they all said more or less the same thing. They said that you are a great dad and that you didn't really need any advice from any of us here because none of us know any more than you do. Most of us are far less wise than you are!!! You have a proven track record, after all! You have successfully raised daughters!

They said you just needed to air your feelings in a place where you had friends, so you came here to do it. Good choice of venue! We all love you. It's a good thing your feelings are not easily hurt, because whenever one airs his feelings on Pricescope, half of Prcescope jumps down his throat. It never bothers you when people do that to you, however. You are not exactly a tender flower. So now that half of the forum has told you how stupid you are to raise your daughters the way you did, ignore them and enjoy the rest of the thread. Nice bracelet!

Hugs,
Deb

 

[iheartscience]

DF, yes, your cc: and wasn't she buying expensive purses? i remember you posting and not liking that at all....

re the bracelets when they get married: what if one never marries?
what if one decides she wants a different color of gold because it won't match her e-ring?
remember how you hate entitlement? how you hate whining?
how you hate people not taking responsibility for themselves?
you usually call them such people liberals .......

the dollar is worth less now than it was when #1 graduated. if you just couldn't help telling her the price of DD#2's gift, you should have told her inflation was the cause of there being a price discrepency. given your politics, i just can't believe you are so easily manipulated..... she could tell by looking at how sparkly it was that it cost more?! and then cries?! followed by "the accusation"?! this young woman could teach Manipulation 101 any day and any time.

i may be a liberal but in this instance i'd be a cold hearted conservative.

Ditto!

 

[Dancing Fire]

update...we went to two local Costco and couldn't find the indentical hoop earrings that we got for #1,so we ordered the following earrings online for #2.

http://www.costco.com/Browse/Product.aspx?Prodid=11673232&whse=BC&Ne=4000000&eCat=BC|108&N=4000047&Mo=907&No=0&Nr=P_CatalogName:BC&cat=108&Ns=P_Price|1||P_SignDesc1&lang=en-US&Sp=C&topnav=

anyhoo, we will end up with two BGD 1ctw bangles + thee above earrings from Costco and then wife can decide when to gift them.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Okay - I have a slightly different perspective than most of the other posters so far - when it comes to "life event" type gifts (HS grad, college grad, wedding, etc) given to your children, I fall in the camp of thinking these should be as similar in cost and type as possible... I looked very quickly at the BGD site and if the bangle I saw is the one you purchased for D#2 it seems her gift was apx $2400 and D#1's gift was apx $650 -- these two gifts do not seem comparable at all other than both being diamond jewelry items. Of course children compare gifts, especially when they are given for the same reason, i.e., graduation - and it does seem quite apparent on the face of it that D#2 did get a more expensive gift - unless D#1's gift is actually of the same value of D#2's gift but due to differing economies then and now the cost for the same value gift has risen by that much? (seems unlikely). Whether or not you at this point have given more $$$ to D#1 is basically irrelevant - unless your position is that only D#1 receives help with house purchase and that D#2 will not receive similar help for similar purchase (or if D#2 will never buy a house that you have not already or will not in the future address this inequity)?

fair is fair...when the time comes we plan on helping #2 with her house purchase.

 

[Dancing Fire]

I don't know why your wife felt it necessary to ask your other daughter if she minds that the bangle cost more than her gift. That was just setting you up for her to feel jealous.

If you do a lot for your kids you have to accept they might get a bit spoilt, and as a result may develop a sense of entitlement. I love to do nice things for my children but if I thought for one minute they were expecting to get everything they want I would probably stop. There is no joy in giving to someone who is assuming they will get it anyway. Thats just my opinion.

that is the reason why her mom asked if she was ok with the more expensive gift for her sister.two week ago she said "that's fine" then yesterday...

I'm not getting what you are saying. Why did her mom ask her if she is ok with the cost of the gift?

b/c wife do not want #1 to feel that she received the shorter end of the stick.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Ohhhhh DF, you and your wife are REALLY gonna be in for it when both your daughters start having babies.

that's what my wife said..