RANT: Family Issues

[Dannielle]

*Sigh*

First a bit of background information- My mother past away in 2001. My Dad and I are very, very close. I consider him to be my best friend. He is geting married in May to his fiance who he has been dating for a year. He moved in to her house with her 16 year old daughter in April. She has two other children who are in their early 30''s. I don''t really have a problem with his fiance, but we have very different personalities and she often does things that I do not agree with. For instance, My Dad might do something that she doesn''t like and she will give him the silent treatment for two days and basically just pretends he doesn''t exist- this could be over something as silly as a disagreement over not offering her a bite of his dinner?

Yesterday, FI and I went over to their house to celebrate christmas with her children. My FI and I had a great day, wonderful food, a few drinks and just spending time with our family.
My Dad came over this morning and brought some lunch and basically said that when everyone went home his FI was angry at him- appareantly her and her oldest daughter think my Dad and I have an unhealthy relationship, we are too close and it is weird. She alo said that my FI probably has a problkem with it and I am to spoiled. Firstly, my FI loves my Dad and is always asking my Dad to come over for dinner, my FI often purchases dvds he thinks my Dad would love and has started calling him Dad. She doesn''t know what she is talking about.

Anyway, they are supposed to be going to China a few days after christmas but Dad has said he is not going. When she comes home from work tonight they are going to have a big talk, and Dad has told me that she is going to have to make a great gesture if he is going to stay. Obviosuly, yesterday is not the only reason for this, it is her whole attitude. Dad asked if he could love with us until he can find a new property and ofcourse we said yes..

I feel so bad for my Dad and somehwat responsible. He said I was being silly, that we have always been close, even before my mother died and nothing will change that. He also said that us being close has nothing to do with their relationship because its not like I ever come between them, we have one night a week where we have dinner and see a movie. If she can''t deal with that then she isn''t worth it.

Ugh.. I''m just so frustrated right now!!!!!!!!!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

i''m so sorry she is acting that way

Me and my parents would have dinner once a week and see a movie too and we even called it date night which some people think is weird, i do not, its our special thing we would do. I know it wouldn''t change if one of my parents passed away either....

I almost wonder if since the wedding is coming soon that she wants all the attention to be on her and thought your dad should have been paying more attention to her instead of you? Sometimes women are just weird like that, I hope the talk tonight goes well

*hugs*

 

[diamondfan]

It sounds like she is being petty. Anyone who can live in the same house with someone and give them the silent treatment over something trivial is a petty person, and has issues that have nothing to do with the trivial event. Of course I do not know all the details but assuming what you are saying is true, then your dad has reason to worry. She should not be speaking for your FI nor should she be jealous of your closeness and be trying to damage it. Maybe she is jealous that her kids are not close to her or their father? Maybe she DOES think you are taking time away that he would be spending with her otherwise? There is really no way to know. Often times we try to apply rational thought and analysis to someone''s behavior, someone who might not be rational to begin with. I hope he gets some clarity and realizes unless she makes some big changes, it is a mistake to marry someone who is so petty and punitive.

 

[Dannielle]

Thank you for the replies so far. Just to add a bit more information.

She has always been this way, since they meet. She was very pushy in making my Dad move in to her house, and ever since that point, she acts like she owns him. She doesn''t like him spending money and when he does she gets annoyed and makes fun of what he buys infront of her family ect. Law and order dvds. My Dad is retired after working for the police force for thirty something years, he has money and he hardly spends anything on himself.. yet he isn''t even aloud to do that.

She is not close at all with her children, I have never seen her hug her children, apart from when they greet each other. I have never heard them say I love you to each other. Her children don''t call her mum and she doens''t have contact with any of her childrens fathers- she has been divorced three times. Her youngest daughter walks all over her.. her boyfriend is constantly over and they are always huddled up in the bedroom.

Basically, its a different set of rules for her family and his family. I just don''t think its fair, especially when I have never done anything to disrespect her, her family or their relationship.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

wow that is quite the situation she has going on there
i think she needs to work on herself before getting married a FOURTH time! is she trying to beat elizabeth taylor? lol no offense

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 12/15/2008 6:03:54 AM
Author: Smurfysmiles

i think she needs to work on herself before getting married a FOURTH time! is she trying to beat elizabeth taylor? lol no offense

haha, funny!

 

[Pandora II]

Frankly it sounds like your Dad moving out could be the best thing possible.

I don''t think you should feel bad or responsible at all - this woman has problems that are not of your making.

Anyone who can do days of silent treatment over minute things would be a big no no for me. It''s a form of psychological abuse. My BIL does it to my sister all the time and I find it pathetic behaviour.

In a healthy relationship, you discuss things that annoy you, you don''t get all huffy unless you are just attention seeking.

He should definitely consider counselling if he wants to stay in a relationship with this woman.

 

[fieryred33143]

Honestly, this boils down to insecurities period. Even if you guys didn''t have a good relationship, she would find something else to be insecure about. My mom dated a man the same exact way and ended up leaving him because it really is too much to deal with.

I wish your dad the best. What a tough situation for him to be in.

 

[Dannielle]

Thanks for the support ladies.

My Dad is such a great man, and he really does deserve the best things in life- that includes someone who loves him completely, with all their heart, and who accepts him for who he is

 

[purrfectpear]

Don''t be sad, be thrilled. This is clearly the BEST possible thing that could have happened. She has shown her true colors before the wedding. This woman is NOT right for your dad.

She has some major psych issues and none of them need to be his problem. Hopefully she will continue to flap her big mouth and he''ll be out of there.

He sounds like a great guy and he deserves a great woman to support him with love.

 

[Courtneylub]

UGH!!! My dad has been married and divorced 4 times and I only had a problem with ONE of them. The one who was jealous of my relationship with my own father. I think it is ridiculous to act that way and I hope he sees the light. It will only get worse after they''re married. He needs to run for his life!!!

 

[MoonWater]

I don''t have any advice but I just wanted to say your dad sounds like the best!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

If I''m not mistaken, your Dad bought you a LV purse as an early Christmas gift...but instructed you NOT to tell his FI, correct?

I think that everyone in this immediate situation needs to sit down and establish what the reasonable rules of relationships will be in this family dynamic. It''s perfectly fine for you and your father to be close...that''s a great thing, nothing and no one should have the power to change that. But, IMO, if he feels like he needs to *hide* things from his FI when it comes to how he interacts with you, then that is laying the ground work for serious problems ahead case in point: your Christmas celebration.

Think of it like this.... if a PS member came onto the BWW board and started posting that her FI was hiding large purchases for his children from her...we''d all be outraged and appauled. Your father and future step-mom are creating their own family unit--everything at this point matters, and there needs to be some flex and give in that too.

Maybe this isn''t the person your father is meant to be with...but, thats for them to decide...and no matter what happens, its not exactly your fault. It sounds to me like they both have made big mistakes in how they handle the "family" stuff....maybe starting from ground zero and working back up would be the best bet.

 

[PrincessDijon]

Date: 12/15/2008 9:08:34 AM
Author: purrfectpear
Don''t be sad, be thrilled. This is clearly the BEST possible thing that could have happened. She has shown her true colors before the wedding. This woman is NOT right for your dad.


She has some major psych issues and none of them need to be his problem. Hopefully she will continue to flap her big mouth and he''ll be out of there.


He sounds like a great guy and he deserves a great woman to support him with love.

Ditto!!!!

 

[Dannielle]

Well, My Dad called me this morning to tell me what happened last night, he said that his FI was very upset when he said that things weren''t working and he was moving out, which is understandable. She proposed a new strategy- and if this doesn''t work then he is going to leave.

Now, in my honest opinions, this is the most ridicolous strategy I have ever heard. I''m just going to again add tht this was his FI''s idea (however he has gone along with it so he is just as silly

) From now on, my Dad will just ignore her youngest daughter. He will simply just pretend as if she does not exist.

Italia- My Dad is coming over this afternoon, and i''m going to mention a few points that you made. If he really does want to give this a fair go then I think that there does need to be more honesty on his part.

 

[vespergirl]

I just wanted to say that itand your dad have a beautiful relationship, and it sounds like he''s a wonderful man. It also sounds like his FI is not a balanced person. He would be much better off moving in with you guys & maybe you can help him meet someone else

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 12/15/2008 7:00:25 PM
Author: Dannielle
Well, My Dad called me this morning to tell me what happened last night, he said that his FI was very upset when he said that things weren''t working and he was moving out, which is understandable. She proposed a new strategy- and if this doesn''t work then he is going to leave.

Now, in my honest opinions, this is the most ridicolous strategy I have ever heard. I''m just going to again add tht this was his FI''s idea (however he has gone along with it so he is just as silly

) From now on, my Dad will just ignore her youngest daughter. He will simply just pretend as if she does not exist.

Italia- My Dad is coming over this afternoon, and i''m going to mention a few points that you made. If he really does want to give this a fair go then I think that there does need to be more honesty on his part.

Blending families can be tough...but keep positive, your dad sounds great and I''m sure he''ll make a sage decision.

 

[decodelighted]

WOW ... she sounds like BAD NEWS to me. Look at what happened last night ... she somehow made her DAUGHTER the fall guy for *her* problems. Your Dad was upset at HER behavior & now the "plan" is for him to ignore the DAUGHTER??? **headscratch**

Don''t worry too much ... with her track record, even if he does marry her, it''ll be over in 6 months anyway.

ps -- agree that he''s not totally innocent .. hiding stuff from her because he knows she''ll explode/be jealous etc... Instead of facing her substantial quirks/abusive behaviors & dealing with them head on -- he''s hiding & lying & in SERIOUS denial.

 

[movie zombie]

she has control issues.

she refuses to accept responsibillity for her actions and has made her daughter the object for blame.

your dad is supposed to ignore the daughter like she doesn''t exist?! what kind of bs is that when you''re all living together?!

sorry but your dad deserves better and i hope he figures that out before may. divorces are expensive in $, time, energy, and most important, emotionally.

he hasn''t known this woman but a year and she''s already controling him and he''s allowing it. it will get worse.

there are a lot of women who would love to be with a good man. i''d encourage him to find one of those.

movie zombie

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 12/15/2008 8:46:20 PM
Author: movie zombie
she has control issues.

she refuses to accept responsibillity for her actions and has made her daughter the object for blame.

your dad is supposed to ignore the daughter like she doesn''t exist?! what kind of bs is that when you''re all living together?!

sorry but your dad deserves better and i hope he figures that out before may. divorces are expensive in $, time, energy, and most important, emotionally.

he hasn''t known this woman but a year and she''s already controling him and he''s allowing it. it will get worse.

there are a lot of women who would love to be with a good man. i''d encourage him to find one of those.

movie zombie

Ditto, ditto, ditto!!!

Dannielle, I am so sorry for what you and your dad are going through at the hands of this horrible woman. And I agree 100% with everyone who is confused as to WHY the youngest daughter needs to be ignored by your dad in order to fix the problems in this relationship?!?! How did this woman''s many, many issues suddenly become the fault of her youngest daughter?

I can tell you this: I grew up in a household where I was the only child, and I lived with my mother and step-father. My step-father did to me exactly what your dad''s FI is proposing that he do to her youngest daughter . . . he completely ignored me. The only time he spoke to me or acknowledged my presence in any way was when I had done something "wrong" and he felt the need to point that out. Usually, even then he wouldn''t speak directly TO me . . . he would just yell and rant to my mother ABOUT me. Not that I think your dad would act that way (he sounds like a WONDERFUL person!), but I just wanted to mention how the ignoring might make the youngest daughter feel. This is definitely NOT a good plan.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 12/15/2008 8:46:20 PM
Author: movie zombie
she has control issues.

she refuses to accept responsibillity for her actions and has made her daughter the object for blame.

your dad is supposed to ignore the daughter like she doesn''t exist?! what kind of bs is that when you''re all living together?!

sorry but your dad deserves better and i hope he figures that out before may. divorces are expensive in $, time, energy, and most important, emotionally.

he hasn''t known this woman but a year and she''s already controling him and he''s allowing it. it will get worse.

there are a lot of women who would love to be with a good man. i''d encourage him to find one of those.

movie zombie

Ditto every word. She''s obviously very controlling and I think your dad knows deep down this is a bad relationship. I hope he leaves her for good.

 

[Allisonfaye]

This has nothing to do with you. This woman is bad news. I say he is better off without her.

 

[diane5006]

How is your dad doing

I agree with the others...she seems a bit off...jealous for sure...way to controlling