Random Thoughts

[Arcadian]

@tyty333 I'm ever reliant on my psychologist to help untangle some of the emotions I'm feeling. Right now its once every other week but I may well need weekly. And I'm still trying to live, scary as it is, my brother wouldn't want me to stop.

And yeah that Come to Jesus talk was a long time coming.

Yes its tough for me but really far worse for his nucleus (his wife, kids, my parents, his close friends) I'm more happy I got to spend that time with him, let him know he was very loved by me and to properly say goodbye.

No regrets.

I'm still unsure how my siblings will be. We're not getting any younger, and any anger on my part has been long gone ages ago. I'm just hopeful to move forward and be more friendly at least.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I have not been keeping up with hurricane season considering all that's going on. I'll try to do better.

I visited family last week, spent some quality time with my oldest brother, and it was illuminating. He's not in hospice, but its leading in that direction. The good, his pain is more under control. But he's maybe 130lbs if that.

After all these years I'm maybe suffering from a bit of disbelief. All of us (siblings) had a very honest talk. Like out in the open no holds barred talk. They never visited, really barely called me except maybe on my birthday or when someone was potentially dying. (seriously not even a joke) and they had their own nucleus, football Sundays, twice a month dinners, so on. They all live in the same area so it makes sense.

When my middle brother got sick, and even my sister, of course I went, my mom asked me to. Of course I contributed whatever was needed because I had it. But they never asked for me, never asked for my time. That hurt you know?

My oldest brother didn't ask for me to come but he said "I'm glad you came" and that meant so much to me.

Anyway maybe its absence that makes the heart fonder, I don't know, the conversation still feels surreal. According to what I heard from them its much more about they were in awe and a little jealous because according to them
"you took chances that we wouldn't."
"you had your shit together and you went for it."
"you did much better than any of us."
"it didn't seem like you missed us."

Little did they know I was scared most of the time thanks to my psychologist, I forced myself to live.

Perception is something else.

My oldest brother said I had such a calming energy and I told him that I have to work at it daily. He smiled and said "it shows".

Last night he went in the hospital again, dehydrated, agitated, combative, based on what his wife said sounds like dementia almost. His poor wife is dealing with a lot. I just hope when he does go he's in as little pain as possible.

oh dear
dehydration can make people more than a bit loopy
its nice thought that your family look on your life positivily
i havnt spoken to my sister in a couple of years and at beast we bearly speak anyway
she is so sarcastic and i do not like sarcasium especially when its cruel


anyway i feel like you need a group hug

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

i would normaly never buy this (its a market leader) as it has the moisurizer in it
but my hands are so dry and split after all the sanatozing at the hospital
at work we have two brands, the water based one sits on the counter so i use that one after touching the money so they dont usually get so bad

but then the bakery ran out of our big containers of dish wash so we brought one of these for work to get us through, as well so i hope it improves things
i just wont be cleaning my rings this week !

 

[SparklieBug]

Our peaches are getting to be li'l fatties, and changing color. Sooooon...soooooon....

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Our peaches are getting to be li'l fatties, and changing color. Sooooon...soooooon....

i can smell them from here !
yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]