Questions to ask a daycare? (aka Bella's mommy freakout)

[Bella_mezzo]

DH is still finalizing his class schedule for January, but we're pretty confident that B (our almost 3 year old son, recently adopted from Ethiopia) will need to start daycare then. We're hoping it will only be three days a week and only from 9-4pm, but "worst case scenario" it might be 5 days a week from 9am-6pm .

We have found what we think are 3 good options that are well recommended by multiple friends/neighbors, that we liked when we visited, and that fit in our budget. Two are near our house and one is onsite at DH's school (which is an hour+ each way commute from our house on public transportation).

So, what questions should we be asking the daycare before we make a decision?!?!?!

Here's what we have so far:

-What is the price
-What are the hours
-Are extended hours available and if so, what is the process/price to use them
-Are meals included, if so which ones
-How will they handle his egg allergy
-What activities are included in the price
-What is the daily schedule
-Do they go outside, if so, where, for how long, and in what weather
-How do they handle discipline
-Are they willing to work with us to help reinforce B's knowledge that DH and I are his parents, that we are a family forever, and that although daycare is fun it's not our family--we have suggestions for this including a little "family book" photo album that we are going to make for him to keep with him at daycare, but are also open to any suggestions they have
-Do they accept cloth diapers
-How do they handle potty-training
-What childcare certifications do the care givers have, how long have they been working there, are they fluent in English, and are they certified in first aid and CPR

What am I missing?!?!?! I know that a lot of you awesome mamas have gone through this, so share your wisdom PLEASE!

I am kind of freaked out about my baby (who is doing great, but definitely has some special emotional needs due to his complex background and recent adoption) spending more time during the week with non-family members than with me and DH! We have worked so hard on bonding/attachment and nurturing and helping him to come out of his shell over the past 4 months and we can really see him starting to heal in small but noticeable ways (his coping mechanism was/is to shut down/retreat which is sad to see ). I want him to benefit from the great socialization opportunities of quality daycare and we need to put him in daycare to make our work/school schedules work right now, but to also somehow reinforce that we are a family so he knows that we aren't just dropping him off at an orphanage or abandoning him...also I want to make absolutely sure that he is safe and well-cared for, physically and emotionally while he is at daycare. He's had several not great instiutional care settings and want to do everything we can to make this daycare experience not feel like an orphanage. We live in NYC, so not only is daycare crazy expensive, it is also kind of an overwhelming maze of very different choices.

Our priorities are:

1. Physical safety (no prior violations or comments from parents regarding anything serious in the conduct of employees or safety of facilities)
2. Emotional safety (a daycare that will work with us to help reinforce B's understanding of he, DH and I being a family and a sensitive and positive view of his being recently adopted and special circumstances that may arise out of that)
3. An enriching experience (a place where B's incredible groth in language acquisition, problem solving, and social skills can continue to expand in an inquisitive and play-based way)
4. A small group family daycare (max. 12 kids) with warm, homey decor so it doesn't feel like an institutional setting to him
5. We'd ideally like a place that does not have any (or very limited) TV watching, that will let B take as long a nap as he likes in the afternoon, that will feed him organic food and only water to drink (he gets milk and very watered down juice at home, but we don't want him to have too much of either of those), that accepts cloth diapers, that takes the kids outside for at least 1 hour each day as long as the weather isn't really horrible (we're flexible on any of these items as long as 1-4 are met)

The three daycares that we found all seem to meet these criteria, but how do we pick between them and what other questions should we ask?

 

[Puppmom]

Bella, I just went through this (actually, still am) with my darling 1 year old. It's hard. Anywho, in addition to what you have I would ask:

- do you have any ideas for a smooth transition? One daycare we visited had a staff member who was there specifically to transition new kids in and transition kids from one room to the next. For us, we dropped N off for 2.5 hours on day 1, 4 hours on day 2, 6 hours on day 3 and a full day on day 4.
- what are their sick policies?
- on what holidays do they close?
- what are their security measures?
- do they have a mommy-cam? some daycares have cameras in the room that you can watch online. i'm not so sure i would want to watch but some people seem to like it.
- can you stop in any time?
- any drop off or pick up restrictions - i.e. during naptime.
- does B have anything that soothes him like a blankie? Or maybe the album you will make? I would ask about their policies for bringing items from home. They may discourage it since the kids may fight over outside *toys*.
- do they allow you a *vacation week*? ...a week where you don't pay because you're on vacation. Some daycares make you pay whether you're there or not even if it's scheduled in advance.

That's all I can think of for now.

Good luck!

 

[Loves Vintage]

Hi Bella!

Two thoughts:

How much time can you or your DH spend with him at the daycare prior to him starting on his own? I would think that would be the most important way to ease the transition. That's going simply on intuition, of course, since I have no direct experience!!

Second, I wouldn't write-off all larger daycares as "institutional". I suppose I thought the same thing about larger daycares, initially, but S is now at a fairly large, independent (i.e. not a kindercare corporate type place, though they may be good too, I've never visited one), and we are really really happy with it. Nothing about it seems like an institution to me. It is bright colorful and full of creative, wonderful and warm people who are regarded as teachers, even in the infant room. Maybe a setting like that would be less confusing for him because it is NOT a home setting. Just thinking out loud, well, you know, in writing . . . .

Another thought. Would your DH realistically be able to stop into the daycare at his school? Is that something that they would encourage? Or, could it possibly increase separation anxiety issues? I'm wondering if they would discourage visits throughout the day. More visits = more bye-byes! The one hour (each way?) commute seems like it would be a long commute for a little one, maybe?

 

[basil]

One thing that was important to us was staff turnover. We chose a place where the teachers had been there 10+ years each to minimize the chance that he would be constantly getting new teachers. I imagine this might be even more important in your special circumstances. Good luck!

 

[Puppmom]

One thing that was important to us was staff turnover. We chose a place where the teachers had been there 10+ years each to minimize the chance that he would be constantly getting new teachers. I imagine this might be even more important in your special circumstances. Good luck!

Yes! Definitely visit daycares now and go back before you commit. DH and I didn't recognize ANYONE when we went back to visit one of our contenders two months after our first visit. You have to be realistic but you definitely don't want a place with crazy high turnover.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

You ladies are THE BEST!!!! keep 'em coming

I am totally going to print this and take it with me on our next visit to the daycares

 

[Pandora II]

Daisy starts full days at daycare tomorrow having done a 'settling-in' week last week.

What impressed me:

The initial week is 9am - 12.30pm on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. On the Tuesday I was encouraged to stay until 11am and then go out till 12.30pm, on the Wednesday it was 10 - 12.30 and the whole time on the Thursday. The initial week was free of charge and for them to get to know me and Daisy and for us to get to know them.

They gave me a cup of coffee and a large folder setting out EVERYTHING. Qualifications, policies on illness, discipline, vaccinations... literally every question you have asked was answered there. I then had to fill in a 10 page questionnaire. They only take one new child a week so they can concentrate on them.

The nursery has 22 children and a child: staff ratio of 1:4 for the under 3's. The children are from many different backgrounds: Chinese, Indian, Japanese, Black African, Middle-Eastern, Polish, Romanian and a couple of White British. They cater for Jewish, Halal, Vegan, Vegetarian and children with a multitude of allergies and parental preferences.

What I really liked was the way the staff were with the kids and how happy all the children seemed. I specifically chose a nursery that doesn't 'teach' in the way that some do here, however in the space of 3 mornings, Daisy has learnt 2 new songs and the actions to a couple she knew already. She also didn't want to come home at all! A little boy who started 2 weeks ago is still finding it hard to separate and the staff were brilliant with him - very warm and loving. The child's parents wanted them to take his paci away and they said that they were unhappy about doing this until he was less anxious about being left there, which made me think that they really cared about the children's emotional health as well as how they were physically.

The staff were also very friendly to me - I had a great chat with the African woman who did the cooking about baby-wearing, co-sleeping and extended breast-feeding! I am allowed to drop in at any time and also welcome to stay as long as I like and join in. They also keep a file on Daisy so I can see what she is doing from week to week.

The place is not glamorous or beautiful - it's a huge room in an old church hall and divided into different areas for different activities. It also has a walled-off outdoor area with lots of toys and activities. They also take the children on visits to the City Farm across the road, the local nature reserve and the local museums.

I would really recommend spending time in all your short-listed choices and seeing how you and B like them.

I also 'interviewed' local mothers at our playground and found out a lot of things that weren't in the literature about some of the local nurseries - for example one had a book in which every bit of bad behaviour was written down and at the end of the day children were awarded a sun or a cloud. A mother had also seen the owner put a little boy who was in his first week and crying for his mother in another room on his own and shut the door because he was still crying after 5 minutes! I didn't bother going to look at it after that!

I don't know if the Government issues reports or not? In the UK, there is a body called OSTED that sends in Inspectors at very short notice to all schools, nurseries and daycares every other year or so and then issue a report on a whole range of objectives with scores. The nursery I chose didn't have a great report in 2007, but their report in 2010 was excellent and mentioned how much work had been done in improving the areas that were pointed out in 2007 which impressed me. Both reports also said how happy all the children seemed.

Not sure if that is much help, but these were the things I found helpful over the last couple of weeks.

I must say that I felt strangely bereft when I left Daisy on Thursday - a very different feeling from leaving her with a babysitter for a few hours. It was a feeling that my baby was growing up and starting the move away from me...

 

[swingirl]

This is just me but I would totally nix a daycare that's an hour away on public transportation. Taking a sick child home from daycare is certainly a possibility and being an hour away will make a bad situation worse. Plus it seems like way too much stimulation at the end of a long day.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Not knowing anything about NY and how things are done there, so this might seem like a basic statement. Here in VA, all licensed daycares, regardless of whether they're in-home or center-based, are listed in a state database that reviews all/any reported violations and their resolutions. Does NY have anything like that? If so, definitely review your choices and see what/if any violations or issues have been reported.

It sounds like you'll have had a 6 month period before B needs daycare, right? I know this isn't an apples to apples comparison b/c DD was younger than B when we adopted her, but DH and I stayed home with her a total of 6 months before she went to daycare at 17 months old. There was never any question of who was family, etc. All the kids in the toddler room were encouraged to bring in pictures of their families that were hung up so the kids could look at them during the day and discuss who Daddy and Mommy were, and so forth.

In terms of the water-only, you should be able to request that with no problems. We ask that our kids only get milk and water (no juice), and the daycare has always complied.

More things to consider:
1. What inclement weather closing policy they follow- school system, NYC govt, etc?
2. Again, check the NY state regs for childcare (assuming you're looking at licensed places), as there are requirements for the amt of time the kids spend outdoors.
3. Late fees if you're not able to get him on time for some reason.
4. I would carefully weigh the options of a daycare near your house vs. your husband's school and what it means for when he needs to come home b/c he's sick ( often and inevitable, I'm afraid, with daycare). Sometimes when there's diarrhea and vomiting, public transportation of an hour isn't going to be feasible. We chose to keep our kids in daycare close to our house but that means an hour plus of commuting on public transportation to come home and get them if they get sick.
5. How will the daycare handle the transition? Ours had my husband come for several hours a day for 2 weeks and then gradually increase the time there.

If I think of more, I'll post. Sounds like B is doing well! So glad to hear that.

Btw, if it helps, my kids unfortunately spend WAY longer in daycare than B will, even on the 9-6 schedule, but they still know who Mommy and Daddy are. But the fact that they DO love their teachers makes me feel good b/c I'd rather they love their teachers than hate then, you know?

 

[Dreamer_D]

In addition to everything else said...

1. pick one near you bc you will likely have to pick him up a lot in the beginning when he is sick and adjusting to the new viruses at daycare.

2. call is school when you talk about it! That is what we call it for Hunter. Makes it clear that it is not an orphanage and at B's age you want a more pre-school environment imo.

3. I prefer group centers to home centers. We LOVE our daycare which is such a special place. There are 4 caregivers for 12 kids, which means a checks and balance system in place if one has a bad day. Strict rules to maintain their license. H loves his daycare and his caregivers.

4. Ask about their childcare philosophy, knowledge of developmental needs of differentt ages.

5. How do they feel about parents dropping in and spending time there? We spend about 20 minutes each am at drop off. When H started I took him to hang out for an hour every day for a month before he began, to ease transition.

6. B will learn you are coming to get him every day really fast! Treat it like a fun place and he'll pick up on the vibe.

7. There might be a rough transition, but he will get through it, and so will you,

 

[Dreamer_D]

To add: At a good center or daycare, you will not need to ask any of these Q's like Pandora said. They will have an orientation and information pack and will be prepared to do anything necessary to help B along. My friend's daughte recently went though Chemo and was out of her daycare for 8 months. When she came back, the director and the team lead of the group her daughter was in met with her and together they divised a program to help her transition back and accommodate her special needs. In a good center, that is what they will do for B too!

 

[AllieLuv83]

I would ask what their food policy is. My center does not allow outside food for allergy reasons but really it is for CYA reasons.

Most daycare centers do not accept cloth I am afraid. At least around here, also in my center they start to potty train them in the 2 year old room. I visited 10 centers before committing to the one we are in now. I wish I had asked about the food policy because I really don't like that I can't provide him my own meals but I feel like we are comfortable there and do not want to pull him out.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Thanks so much!!!!

Pandora and Logan-Yes, you can look up daycare violations in NY. I did that on all three and they all seem fine in that regard (only minor things like, needs to replace light bulb or install something to meet code and then a note that it was corrected the next week, that type of stuff...

Pandora-Wow, I want B to go to Daisy's daycare! I guess transatlantic daycare commuting is less than ideal

Basil, I wish that I could find a place where the caregivers had been there for 10+ years. Despite costing a fortune in NYC, daycares don't seem to keep employees for very long!

Pupp-i hope that N's transition is going well it sounds like you have a great plan...love the other questions you posted, I am adding them to my list!

As far as our choices,

Playground scuttlebutt is positive for all.

I totally agree re the daycare at DH's school being really far. If his class schedule is compressed and it works out that might be an option b/c they offer subsidized rates, but otherwise, I think it's really far. Good point about not wanting to take a vomiting child on an hour-long bus ride

LV-There is one "big box" childcare center in our neighborhood. it's too expensive for us, but they offer tuition assistance, so I emailed them for info and to schedule a visit after reading all your comments, we'll see how I like that.

Other than that, the two in our neighborhood...the one we visited this morning (and also visited in the spring) has had some staff turn over, just opened a second location a block away, has great reviews from parents, and the owner/director seems very nice and informed and her son goes to the daycare. Parents can stop by anytime and they are very flexible with the transition, the staff are very warm and friendly, B seemed very comfortable, they are upfront with their closing/holiday schedule, I have to double check the weather closing policy, they are fine with cloth diapers, and they already have a child with egg and peanut allergies and say they accommodate that.

What we didn't like: the onsite manager of the first location smelled faintly like cigarette smoke. I doubt she smokes while working, but it just gave me a weird vibe. The onsite manager of the second location (the one B would likely attend) we really liked and she seemed awesome. There is a TV. The managers say "they only watch a little educational programming, and only during pick-up and drop-off, but I think I noticed some disney-type videos on the shelf. The director told me that all meals are egg free (due to the child with allergies) but I noticed that they were preparing scrambled eggs for breakfast this morning. The onsite manager clarified that they feed the allergy girl (my name for her, not theirs different food and keep her separate from the other kids while they eat. Her food is egg-free but the other kids is not.

The second daycare by our house only does visits on weekends. I will check re parental visits b/c that makes me think they might be less open to it. There is no TV at all, the director's emails to me are really poor english (verb tenses not matching, words misspelled, wrong words used in context, etc.) We're trying to visit this weekend and will see how it goes...

Logan-So glad that C was clear on who was her family!!! Yes, B will have exclusively been with one or both of us for 6 months before starting daycare. He prefers being with us, but i's still very willing to go with anyone (even if he gets a terrified look in his eyes) so we are in a weird way hoping that he becomes secure enough to have some separation anxiety before he starts daycare. At the same time, of course we hope that he loves his daycare providers and attaches to them so that he has fun, warm, nurturing days there. I read your work/daycare schedule in the housework thread and thought wow, when I am trying to juggle it all and complaining about my job, Logan is like superwoman!!!

 

[NovemberBride]

Bella,

I think you have a good set of questions to ask. My two cents is that I would choose a daycare that is easily accessible to both you and your DH (i.e. an hour away by public transportation would be a big NO in my book). I would also never choose a daycare that made me feel like I could not drop in any time I wanted to - that would make me very uncomfortable and suspicious. Beyond that, I would say trust your gut. I looked at about 8 daycares and knew immediately when I visited the one I chose that it was right for me. We chose a daycare center because I was more comfortable with that from a safety perspective and I also did not want my child sat in front of a tv all day, which I think happens at a lot of home daycares. I also like that there are a lot of teachers there, so it's not as if there is someone else playing the role of "mom" during the day. But that's what worked for me and lots of people prefer a home daycare to a center.

One thing that I wanted to add because it was a bit difficult for me to adjust to is to realize that although you will undoubtedly find a great daycare for B, they are not you and they will do some things differently than you would prefer. As you transition B to daycare, it is important to keep perspective on this and pick your battles.

 

[Pandora II]

They have a TV at D's nursery - but it is used after lunch for those children who don't want to nap so that they have some quiet time. I'm not that worried about her seeing television - she's sadly not that into it and so I can never use it as an interim baby-sitter...

You may find that B doesn't develop separation anxiety at his age. Daisy had it very badly until she was around 20 months - now she is almost over-confident and will talk to/go to pretty much anyone which slightly worries me at times.

I would nix any daycare that didn't allow me to visit during the day. Will any of them allow you to do trial sessions?

Believe me, the nursery I chose doesn't begin to compare with some of the Montessori ones here - but then it's £32 a day as opposed to £75...

 

[Puppmom]

One thing that I wanted to add because it was a bit difficult for me to adjust to is to realize that although you will undoubtedly find a great daycare for B, they are not you and they will do some things differently than you would prefer. As you transition B to daycare, it is important to keep perspective on this and pick your battles.

Ditto this. I had to change the way I looked at daycare. I really didn't want to do it so, when we looked at places, I picked apart EVERYTHING. I had to come to the realization that no daycare is Grandma but there are benefits and N could definitely be happy and thriving there.

Allie, re: cloth. I wonder if the cloth thing is regional. Only 1 of the daycares we visited said no. They were a chain and we found out that their corporate policy actually states they DO take them but with a doctor's note. Our daycare is a chain too and corporate requires them to get a doctor's note. Our pedi just wrote on his health form under special medical considerations that he must wear cloth diapers to avoid diaper dermatitis.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Bella, I think NovemberBride brings up a really good point- daycares, while they should work with you to best serve your child, will never be YOU and will never do things exactly the way you would do them. That was a hard lesson for me to learn

Another thing to ask the parents, if you can- what is each director's style of communication? Do the parents feel he/she does a good job with regards to communicating info to families? While we've been happy with C and D's daycare till now, we've had a LOT of problems this year with teacher turnover in C's class and some poor communication from management. It makes a big difference.

Also something else to keep in mind- unless you're very lucky (and I hope you are!!), I think it can very difficult to find a daycare where everything will be 100% perfect. Each one will have its pros and cons. I know the location of daycare for us was a tough one- we could keep the kids in a center closer to our home, but that meant an hour or more commute home on public transportation to get them (especially tough when they get sick). However, one pro is that if one of is at home sick, we can still take them to daycare and not have to drag them in an hour downtown to get them to daycare. Or, we could keep them in a center downtown, but that center had more limited hours and would necessitate a long commute on public transportation (work did not give me parking so driving was out). No perfect solution either way, but we make it work for now. I know trying to find the perfect place can drive you crazy!

Since B has allergies, make sure you ask about their policies on handling reactions. Not sure if he has an epipen, but you should find out if they administer it upon just a suspicion of contact/ingestion, or what. Also, if you do visit centers, if they don't allow outside food brought it, see if they allow exceptions with doctor's notes. Our daycare also doesn't allow outside food but if you bring in a doctor's note, they will allow it. C and D are vegetarians and we had to get our ped to write a note for that so that I can send in their lunches if not veg that day.

The fact that B was recently adopted certainly adds the pressure, doesn't it?! We are still sensitive to change/transition for C. You're a great mom for thinking about things like this!

 

[Bella_mezzo]

thanks ladies. I know that daycares will all be a little different than me which is totally fine as long as he is safe, nurtured, and they are sensative and willing to respond to a few key needs he has that are a little different due to his recent adoption...

Logan you made me tear up at my desk (a first in my professional life), sometimes when you are worrying about stuff and know the potential pitfalls it's really nice to hear that you are a good mom

I feel pretty good about both the options near our house so we'll see how the visit to the second one goes Saturday. Dh should have his class schedule in the next few weeks and then we'll go back and visit again in Nov before we decide...

 

[NovemberBride]

Bella,

One more thing to note is that although B certainly has some special needs due to his recent adoption, the power of peers is amazing even at this young age. As an example, my DD eats things at daycare that she won't touch at home, simply because other kids are eating the same thing. Although B may need some accomodations at first, small children like to be doing/have the same thing as their friends so you may be surprised how easily he adjusts. In my experience, good daycare teachers are really good at helping kids adjust.

 

[Puppmom]

just one thing re: the transition. I think what's important is that the facility you choose is willing to make suggestions but is FLEXIBLE. What works for one child won't necessarily work for B and vice versa. Sounds like you have time AND you have your act together. It'll be so fun to see B interact with other kids. That's the best thing about daycare so far. Oh, and the cute things he learns during circle time and repeats at home!

Oh, and I was stunned at how quickly N adapted to day care. He still has some struggles but naps on a cot (he's rocked to sleep at home) and eats foods he wouldn't touch at home. He also participates in group play there. At home, he looks at my nephew who is 8 months older than him like he's an alien!

 

[Bella_mezzo]

that is so funny about how adaptable kids are at daycare! I think that B will do really well, he's already making friends in our circle of friends and acquaintences which is adorable to see.

I think we're just still a little traumatized from our 3 months in Ethiopia. it's a super friendly culture that loves children, but it is really, really aggressively affectionate which means that strangers will just walk up to you in public take (wrestle) your child out of your arms and walk away with them trying to interact with them and convince them that the stranger loves them more than their parents. This happened on a weekly and sometimes daily basis and was so challenging that many families chose to stay in their rooms 24/7. that was not our choice for many reasons, the first being that we were in Ethiopia and wanted to experience it. but it is hard to balance with protecting your child as much as you can!

Our neighborhood is largely dominican and there are some similarities in how affectionate people are with children (though certainly not as severe as in Ethiopia) and we want to be sure that our daycare provider will help to reinforce B's family experience rather than try to tell him that "you are my child now" "I am going to take you home with me" "I love you more than your parents" "i'm going to kiss you all over" all of which we have heard in some form here and verbatim in Ethiopia...B needs to know that there is a difference between his parents and other people and that's something that he struggles with, so I think I'm overly sensative to that in some ways

 

[NovemberBride]

Bella,

Wow, your experience in Ethiopia is really far from the norm here in the US - I can't imagine the reaction I would have to a stranger on the street grabbing my child. I'd probably be dialing 911. I am sure that must have been tough for you coming from NYC where that is far from the norm. I can assure you that I have never had anyone at our daycare say anything about being my DD's mom, or loving her more than me, or anything like that. I can certainly understand your concern given your recent experience, but I don't think that is typical in a daycare setting in the US at all. Although my DD was not adopted, she started daycare at 12 weeks when I went back to work full-time, so I shared your concerns about her knowing who mommy was and I can say with complete confidence that she has always known exactly who mommy was despite going to daycare full time for almost her whole life. At our daycare you are requested to bring in a collage with family photos and they use it to teach the kids about family members and its also reassuring to them to be able to see mommy and daddy.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Yeah November, It was definitely less than ideal, especially when you are trying to bond as a family. We know that it won't be like that in NYC, but we have had daycare providers that we visited try really hard to convince B (in front of us at the visit) that daycare was the best and say things like "don't you want to stay here and play with us and eat lunch, it is way more fun than home, you should stay with us instead of going with mommy and daddy..." that made us be like We are not looking for that kind of daycare (which are surprisingly prevalent in our neighborhood).