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mirre

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 2, 2007
Messages
420
Hello all!

I''m not sure if the question part of this should go here but I looked over the other forums and it didn''t seem to fit those either. So if it would fit better somewhere else I''d be happy for someone to point me in the right direction!


Ok first the update portion:
I used to come here and read ALOT and post some. I had been with my bf at the time for nearly 2 years. Well I''m back to look over things and wanted to update everyone in the process. Since then that bf and I have broken up, this past December. I stopped coming by here because it was depressing and felt like I was getting my hopes up for nothing. With him I felt like it was empty promises and started feeling like I wasn''t loved by him anymore... that took a toll on me and I started evaluating everything. I decided that I had to leave him and didn''t really think about it until one day I was talking to my mom on the phone about possibly leaving him and she said "I know it''s hard because I know you love him." My response kind of shocked me and I knew it was over when I said "Actually, I''m not sure that I do anymore." And when I was crying about it I had said "I''m not crying because I''m worried about leaving him. I''m crying because I don''t want to have to come back home when I move out." We didn''t really have alot of problems just tiny things that kept building up in me that never seemed to get resolved no matter how much I talked with him about it. The last straw had been one night when we were headed to dinner and a friend of mine kept texting me. She had sent a new message that I hadn''t had a chance to read yet because I was driving and he asked for my phone to use the calculator on it. This didn''t alarm me when he asked because he was always asking to use it for the calculator (actually that irritated me pretty frequently because he never had his with him), but he had turned a bit in his seat so I couldn''t see what he was doing on my phone and when I got it back the unread message had been read. When I said "Did you read my message?" his reply was "No." I then said "Oh, well there was an unread message when I handed you my phone and now it''s been read." He still stuck to saying he didn''t read it. A couple days went by and I was on my way to a friend''s house and he called and started in on asking if there was anything I needed to tell him pushing me for info. Well there was a text message from a really good guy friend (and that''s all he is and ever has been) commenting on my appearence and bf had read it. He brought it up and kept pushing for answers. Knowing now that I knew for a FACT he had lied to me, to my face, since he wanted answers my answer was "I''m leaving, I can''t be with you anymore." All of a sudden his tune changed and of course he loved me of course he wanted to marry me of course he was about to buy me a ring the next week. I held to my statement and moved out that night.

Now on to the question portion, like I said may be in the wrong forum if so I apologize and ask to be redirected lol.

I have been dating someone new since mid to late December. He''s great! Best I could ever hope to find!
At first I had reservations about the idea because he''s younger than I am by about 3 years. I''ve since gotten over that and now just joke with him about it sometimes. And also because I wanted to wait awhile and just kind of date different people for awhile before getting back into a relationship, but it didn''t work out that way. Turns out I''m not the dating around type. But my question is to all who are either engaged, know it''s coming VERY SOON, or already married:

How long did you date bf (or gf if males are reading) before becoming engaged? And if you''re married how long was the engagement and how long have you been married?

I''m not trying to base my situation on anyone else''s just thought it''d be fun to see the different types of relationships out there.


Bf (new lol) has asked what kinds of rings I like for when the time comes to get ideas. I told him I have no problem with you asking what I want because I''m picky and I will tell you anything you need to know... but I still want to be surprised!

I have been tempted several times to send him here


(Oh yes and something that was mentioned last night that completely made me think of all you ladies here was... "Eventually we''ll upgrade you"... To which I replied "I don''t want upgrades I want the one I''ll have forever" He said "Yeah well you''ll have that one forever... but you''ll have more to wear too!") lol maybe he''s already been here?


(ALSO SORRY FOR THE LONG POST
)
 

jmtomaui

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Oct 10, 2006
Messages
390
Hi Mirre. Congratulations to you for having the strength to do what you needed to in your last relationship! Knowing what is the right thing to do and being able to actually act on it shows amazing maturity and courage.

To answer your question, DH and I had a blind date on 1/18/03, engaged on 1/25/03 and married on 10/4/03.

Everyone is different. Every relationship is different. J and I had been set up by my very best friend of 20 years and she was J''s boss. She knew both of us very well and felt we would be a great fit. I guess we agreed... It worked for us but did cause family and friends some concern that we were rushing into a mistake. They all welcomed the other into their lives and offered us the greatest support but they were still a bit worried. We think we have shown them that while we appreciated their love and concern, it has turned out well for us.

Wherever your relationship takes the 2 of you, I wish you all the happiness that J and I share.

Julie
 

Mannequin

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 16, 2006
Messages
1,733
First, congratulations on being a strong, courageous woman. I admire you for knowing when you needed to move on and I am very happy that you are now in a much happier place with your new guy.

Second, to answer your questions: please wait on the engagement. When I left my ex and started dating my now BF, I felt just as you described in your post. I had dated around for six months and was not really into the scene, and I was so happy to find this new guy and was ready to dive right in. I get amazing advice from the women in my life, and this time it was my mother who said "no major commitments for four seasons." I was already thinking about this and you know what? Four seasons was perfect! Plenty of time to enjoy the new relationship, talk about every major issue we could think of, travel together, learn about each other, and weather the everyday storms of life while *I* worked on myself, too (I needed time to get myself together after coming out of a 4.5 year relationship). I moved in with him after the year was up and now our two year anniversary is coming up in July.

A lot can happen in one year, especially in an economy like this. No reason to rush your timeline. Also, my BF said a lot of the same stuff your guy says about rings and the like just because he was so darned excited about being with me.
He respected my wish to hold off on the big stuff for at least a year, because he knew I was worth waiting for.

Best wishes and keep all of us posted!
 

mirre

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 2, 2007
Messages
420
Jmtomaui, thank you so much for your response!

I think what you and your husband went through with friends and family is also something I worry a bit about. Not nearly as much as I worry about if I would be doing the right thing for myself though.

We''ve discussed it and I told him I would need a little more time (I just want to make sure we''d be doing the right thing). He agreed and assured me that even though he may start looking soon it didn''t mean it would be coming that soon... just wanted to be prepared and that even if we were to be engaged that it wouldn''t mean getting married quickly... which helped put my mind to ease a bit.

Another tidbit the he said to me which I thought all of you here would appreciate... yesterday we were texting back and forth throughout the day and one of the texts he sent was that he couldn''t wait to see something shiny on my finger!


After a long spell of being sick to death of seeing jewelry store billboards and jewelry commercials and hearing of engagements I''m back into the looking up all the different types of shiny little pieces!
 

LaraOnline

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 24, 2008
Messages
3,365
When I met my guy it happened quite quickly, but I knew him from high school and uni, which helped me feel comfortable very quickly - it was like ''coming home''.

We met, began seeing each other (LDR) for a couple of months (meaning, I visited him on a couple of weekends) then I went to spend Christmas with him (both at a loose end) and then by end Feb / early March we announced our engagement!

Married the following January (our summer).

But, like I said, we had known each other since high school, had both reached the big 3-0, my man had taken on a business of his own, and we had both been single for a long long time if not forever... we had similar values, and I knew that, having known his family and his history. Be careful, don''t jump from a frying pan into a fire!!
 

misskitty

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 20, 2008
Messages
1,691
Welcome back! Congrats for knowing what you want (and don''t want), and for sticking up for your own happiness.

Can''t fully answer your question, since I''m not engaged, but I''ve been with B for about 2 years.
 

Winks_Elf

Brilliant_Rock
Trade
Joined
Nov 28, 2008
Messages
1,674
My fiance and I have known each other a very long time (over 20 years), but officially started dating last July. We knew when we started dating that it was going to lead to marriage, and got engaged on February 28th.

Doesn''t matter how long you''ve dated when you get engaged; it matters whether or not you know without a shadow of a doubt you''re doing the right thing when you say "I do."
When I was growing up, our next-door neighbors got married after only two months of courtship, and stayed married the rest of their lives. My father asked my mom to marry him on the second date, she said no. He had to ask again two more times before she finally said yes. They''re coming up on the 47th wedding anniversary at the end of this month.
 

mirre

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 2, 2007
Messages
420
Thank you all for your support and trying to help me!

Misskitty was an adorable little pup!
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
Welcome back, Mirre...

To answer your question...my husband and I dated for all of 3 months when we got engaged. However, my ring was custom, so you can be sure we were discussing and planning and designing and waiting much sooner than the offical date.

Most people thought we were crazy...I mean, 3 months!!! But to be completely honest, it worked for us. I loved him very quickly...our values, or goals, our dreams...they were so similar. Being with him made total sense to me, and not just in the lusty stage either...he fit into my life so perfectly. We just knew that were supposed to be together. There was no pressure or urgency to it, we just totally went with what felt right.

And, people did think we were nuts. And we spent a lot of time justifying our decision to people that couldn''t believe or couldn''t understand because it wasn''t traditional...we were met with mixed reactions from family and friends, and even strangers. Everyone thought they were entitled to an opinion on our engagement positive or otherwise. Both my husband and I parted ways with some friends who couldn''t let their disbelief go.

But, when you know you know. People can date for 15 years get married and divorce within a month...people can get married on the fly and celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary happily still together. There are no rules, and no road maps...you totally need to go on your gut when it comes to this. Some people are just meant to be...
 

miss_flo

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 27, 2007
Messages
401
I''m so happy for you Mirre! It''s really encouraging to hear that you were able to walk away when you knew he just wasn''t the right person for you, and I''m glad that you''ve found happiness again. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over three years but we knew we wanted to get married since the first month we met ;-) There are many times when I think that girls are rushing their relationships just to get a ring, but it doesn''t sound like that''s the case for you. Just be confident in your decision and enjoy your happiness! Congrats again!
 

ms.halo

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Apr 1, 2009
Messages
431
Mirre, my in-laws were engaged three weeks after they met and married six months later. They''ve now been happily married for 40 years. AND, my best friend got engaged after dating her now-husband for about seven months. Sometimes you just know when it''s right!
 

jcarlylew

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 27, 2008
Messages
3,899
congrats! you sound very true to youeself!
when you know whhats right, you just know! and it sounds like you found it!!
 

tlh

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 31, 2008
Messages
4,511
to those that say good things come to those that wait.. I say PITTOEY! I waited and it sucks. So if you can speed up the process... more power to ya!
 

somegirl932

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 2, 2009
Messages
311
i'm proud of you for leaving that last relationship!

for answering your questions... i got out of a bad relationship at the beginning of jan 2006, and started dating my SO jan 25, 2006. i knew pretty quickly that he was the one, but we were young so no talk of engagements came up that quickly. also, despite the fact that i knew, i'd been in year plus relationships twice before, and had thought at various points during those relationships that we'd end up married.

we'll probably be getting engaged around the 3.5 year mark... and i don't think it would have been a good idea for us personally to get engaged any time before 2.5 years... but then we're still pretty young, and i had stuff from previous relationships that i needed to get over.

good luck!
 

allycat0303

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
3,255
It can go either way. And it also depends on the type of person you are. I''m one of those LOOOOOONG term relationships (13 years, I think 10 years when we got engaged). And to be honest, I was kind of iffy even then. But a lot that factored in was my age. We started dating when I was 16 years old. I am very, very cautious and wouldn''t even consider a relationship before 2-3 years. But that''s MY nature.

In your case, I would also take into consideration any unresolved feelings toward your ex. It was an important relationship in your life because you wanted to marry him, so I think that would warrant a little time. It doesn''t sound like you still think about your ex, but sometimes it just takes time for old feelings to resurface, or for you to fully resolve the baggage from the ex.
 

Blair138

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 8, 2008
Messages
1,207
FI and I dated for 4.5 years when we got engaged, BUT we started dating a few days after I had gotten out of a previous long-term relationship. I was actually going away to school and thought that there was no way then BF (Now FI) would stick around for some 20 year old girl who was going to school. I figured we would have a fun summer and that would be it. He was 23 at the time and his friends were all getting married and he had a "real" job. We were both a little shocked that we lasted and fell in love pretty quickly. Though the engagement came a little later, our relationship got serious pretty quick and we ''just knew''.

Good luck to you! I think that it''s unfair, like many of the above posters said, that many people judge based on how long you''ve been dating. I have a friend who is now married but will NEVER let anyone forget that she waited 8 years until her man proposed
...I love her dearly but not everyone is the same!
 

jaylex

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 8, 2008
Messages
847
I''m not engaged yet but bf and I have been together for about 3 and a half years now. He bought the ering already and I think he''s planning on proposing by the end of this year.. so we''ll probably be together for 4 years before we are engaged... but I was in high-school when we started dating so it''s mostly an age thing (out of respect for our parents).

Now, I''m all for the "love at first sight" quick engagement types of relationships.. and they work for some people but not all.
Great examples of this (personal stories... feel free to not read lol):

My mom and dad had been divorced for 5 years when she met my stepfather. They met and went on their first date in one week, he proposed 10 days later and they were married a year later. He was a great guy at first. Really too good to be true. But literally the day they got married, I noticed a change in him.. (I was only about 9). Turns out he is narcissistic, egotistical, an alcoholic and a male chauvinist. If you know anything about psychology, you know that those aren''t a good mix. Now, they are still married 11 years later b/c he has complete control over her life (and they own a business together). So yeah. they are still together. but I wouldn''t consider her "happy".

Also, one of my coworkers met, got engaged to and married a man within 5 months.. Turns out he is also a narcissist and an over all jerk.. So she''s pretty miserable as well.

Another woman I worked with dated a guy for two and a half years before marrying him. A couple months into the marriage he became very abusive to her and her small children. She divorced the guy IMMEDIATLY. She''s happy now.

On the other hand, my aunt and uncle dated for 6 months before they got engaged (at age 18) and are still happily married twenty-something years later.




So i definitely think it just depends on the personalities (and mental health??) of the people in the relationship.

Sorry for the long reply lol
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
D and I dated for 8 years before we got engaged. We''re getting married in June and we''re ten years going out in July. We met though when we were 17 so that''s the main reason for dating so long, plus it just feels right that we''re getting married now.
 

mirre

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jul 2, 2007
Messages
420
Thank you all so much for reading, responding and sharing your stories!

As far as my ex there are NO feelings there whatsoever... and I know that feelings will not resurface. Leaving him was something I thought long and hard about for close to a month before actually going through with it. By the time I left physically I had already left emotionally. I hold no resentment toward him, I''m not mad or angry. I just knew that it wasn''t the right relationship for me anymore and I didn''t love him and I had to do what was right for me. Yes, it was a serious relationship; yes, I had thought I wanted to marry him and yes, it was a difficult decision, but had I thought there was anything there left for me I would have stayed and tried to work it out, but I knew it was over, so I left.

The only thing I hold on to now past relationships are the lessons that I learned (this was once not the case).

The hardest obsticale I''ve had to overcome is giving someone enough of me to know they have the power to hurt me and trusting them not to because I''ve been hurt so many times, and had broken promise after broken promise among many other things.

Even though what I had planned for myself for post-break up didn''t happen exactly how I had intended I believe I acheived what I was hoping to: I have figured out what I want from a relationship and what I will and will not compromise on and I have let go of anything that I have been holding onto from past relationships (grudges, sadness, anger, what ifs, etc.) and I became free. I wanted to figure myself out and that''s exactly what I did.
 

Miscka

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 9, 2007
Messages
1,938
Mirre,

You have to do what is right for you.


No one can tell you how long is long enough, its individual and different for everyone. If you know without a shadow of a doubt, go for it!

Good luck, I am glad you found such a great guy.
 

aveda6

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 14, 2009
Messages
111
Mirre,

Definitely go with your heart on this one. I was married to my highschool sweetheart and we managed to stay married for 13 years (after having dated for 6 years before that) but we ended up getting divorced and now we''re just friends. I started dating again (which I had really never done) and after a couple of failed attempts I met my now FI at work. We dated for 10 months and as of Saturday we are engaged. It was very lovely and many people may say it''s too soon, but I think for us it''s right. We''ll likely wait a few years to get married....best of luck...

jim
 

Cupcake*Muffin

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2009
Messages
351
I agree with all the other posters.You just can''t ever tell. I got married very young to my high school sweetheart. We were together for 9 years. But in the end, it was never right. If you hide in the bathroom because you know he''s about to propose, it''s never a good sign.
Then I was in a relationship almost immediately with my ex, which lasted 2 years. But I knew from the beginning that even though he told me he wanted to marry me, his heart was never in it. I dated around for the first time in 11 years and finally got to see what the hype was about out there. And really, it wasn''t all that great. I did try to go out with these guys with an open mind. But I could always tell that I didn''t "feel it" with them. I was never the girl to date, I know I''m a relationship kind of girl.

When I met current BF, it just worked. We clicked hard and fell in love instantly. Time isn''t a determinate in our relationship, we feel like we have known each other forever, even if it''s only been 4 months. We started talking about marriage about 2 months in and we know we will be together forever. I am guessing we will be engaged by the end of the year. He''s moving in in August.


You just know when it''s right, I believe in gut feeling. I wished I would have followed my own instincts the first time around, but that''s neither here nor there. No one will be able to tell you if it''s too soon or whatever, though I''m sure they will try
. But at the end of the day, it comes down to what you both want and what feels right to you. I know people who have gotten engaged a month into the relationship and it worked out. And I also know people who, like myself, spend a good portion of their life with one person and it combusted. Love works in mysterious ways...but it works out in the end.
 

Mediterranean

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
578
It''s true, you can''t tell....

My parents met on a cruise ship: my father was the Chief Officer at the time, she was a passenger. It was a 14 day cruise, and their "relationship" if you could call it that, consisted of brief dates if his work brought him to NYC where she lived, and phone calls from Greece (where he lived). a few months after all that started, he called her one day to tell her to meet him in Portland, Maine....with a wedding dress


My crazy Mom did so, and they were happily married until he died, when I was 12. She never remarried (or even dated) and still refers to my father as the love of her life.

My fiance and I have known each other for 12 years now, we are one of those friendships that everyone always wondered about: "When are those two gonna WAKE UP and see that they''re MEANT TO BE?!?!" Sometimes, people actually thought hat we were a couple...but, no, that didn''t happen until 2006. It took a year and a half for us to become engaged. It surprised the HECK out of me, I was not expecting it at all after only 18 months together, but on the other hand, we know each other very, very well. We''re getting married next month. I must say, this is the easiest relationship I''ve ever had.

My brother and his wife met in college and dated all throughout undergrad and grad school. They were together for roughly 5 years when they became engaged; their shared goal was to not begin planning a wedding until they were done with grad school, and had landed good jobs. They were married in 2007. They just bought their first home, and I have a feeling they might be thinking of starting a family soon.

It''s different for everyone and this is one instance, if ever there was one to FOLLOW YOUR GUT.
 
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