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Question from a guy: how to deal with GF''s engagement fever when you are planning to propose soon a

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vindicator2002

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Hey ladies -- stop screaming and throwing things at me now, it''s not like I just walked into your locker room!

Seriously, I have a question. I will be proposing to the love of my life soon. She knows it''s coming (although she doesn''t know much more than that.) There is only one small problem: she has the worst case of engagement fever. (Think Marisa Tomei''s wedding fever in My Cousin Vinny.) She keeps asking me about when I am finally going to propose; sometimes under the pretext of "oh, everyone keeps pestering me about this", sometimes without any pretext at all. We are both 26 and have been dating for three and a half years, and the time frame for my proposal is literally within the next month or two. (Got the setting, still picking out the stone, and have a proposal idea that I am still developing.) But lately, she has been asking me this almost every day, and I am getting a little frustrated. My frustration is not with her (I more than understand where she is coming from, especially since she soon has to decide where in the country she is going to go for her residency program), but rather with the situation. The last thing I would want is for either of us to feel that I am proposing because I''ve been nagged or pressured into doing it. I jokingly say that every time she asks, I have to push it back by a month (had I meant it, we''d be on track for a 2097 wedding.) But seriously, any ideas on how I can reassure her enough for her to stop, without letting the cat entirely out of the bag? I think it would be a better experience for her if she later doesn''t have any reason to start thinking that she nagged me into proposing (and a better experience for me, for obvious reasons!)

Any thoughts?
 

Blenheim

Ideal_Rock
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Feb 27, 2006
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3,136
Have you given her any sort of timeline? I know that knowing that FI telling me that he would propose by mid-May 2006 really calmed me down. If not, you might want to give her a timeline that''s a little longer than what you''re thinking, just in case you get the stone and it''s not what you wanted and you want to exchange it or something like that. Plus, if you tell her 6 months or something like that, it doesn''t really let the cat out of the bag that you''re planning on doing it much earlier.
 

Mandarine

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For a second I thought "Oh no, it's my BF and he will find all my posts soon!!!" haha....but we're not 26, so you're not him...hehe.

I can understand your frustration (and hers). Maybe you need to just give her more details and tell her a FIRM timeline and you can both agree that until then there will be no talk about it!...

Maybe tell her that for each day that she's "good", she'll get a little extra something at the end...and you can then give her one rose for each day she was good?...dunno, just an idea


Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

dawn74

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Sep 18, 2006
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I definitely agree with the other posters. No doubt your girlfriend is simply excited and needs a bit of reassurance. The best way for you to give her that is to be very clear.
I''d just sit her down and tell her point blake what you told us, That she is the love of your life, and that you want nothing more than to be with her, and that you have every intention of proposing - and soon. And be specific. Give her a timeframe that you think is reasonable without giving too much away. You could say, "Look, I want this to be a surprise, so I need you to stop asking me about it every day, or you''re going to spoil it for both of us. However, I can tell you that it will definitely be before May or sometime in the next four months.
I guarantee that will help put her mind at ease and will make you feel a little less frustrated too. Let us know how it goes!
 

dawn74

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Sep 18, 2006
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Ooops. I really must watch my typing. I meant, sit her down and tell her point BLANK.
 

flopkins

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what dawn said.

tell her straight up, "I love you, I am planning on proposing SOON, by ______(name month) Let me have some space to plan something special and surprise you. "


When does she have to decider her residency? Does she have any idea you are ring shopping?
 

mmpawnshop

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Jan 3, 2007
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18
Well, don''t be frustrated. she''s probably anxious and excited at the same time and can''t wait. I''ve been dating my high school sweetheart, going on 6 years this february and i guess i know how my boyfriend feels now. I''m always joking with him about when and I know it''s going to be soon since I''ll be graduating college this fall. I know he gets frustrated too. Oh well! He''ll get over it! Just kidding! But since you jokingly said that you would put it back a month each time she asked about it. You should jokingly state that you are *maybe* preparing for it and to be patient, the right time and the right place. So that you''re not giving out all the information and spoiling the surprise but also reassuring her that you are doing something and not just putting it off. I hope that helps.


Jenny
 

FireGoddess

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Date: 1/5/2007 5:00:08 PM
Author: flopkins
what dawn said.

tell her straight up, ''I love you, I am planning on proposing SOON, by ______(name month) Let me have some space to plan something special and surprise you. ''
I agree with this. Add a month from the intended proposal date to the deadline so she isn''t climbing the walls by the time you are actually going to propose. She''ll be thinking there''s still a month to go and won''t necessarily expect the proposal when it''s about to come.
 

mmpawnshop

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Date: 1/5/2007 5:05:34 PM
Author: FireGoddess

Date: 1/5/2007 5:00:08 PM
Author: flopkins
what dawn said.

tell her straight up, ''I love you, I am planning on proposing SOON, by ______(name month) Let me have some space to plan something special and surprise you. ''
I agree with this. Add a month from the intended proposal date to the deadline so she isn''t climbing the walls by the time you are actually going to propose. She''ll be thinking there''s still a month to go and won''t necessarily expect the proposal when it''s about to come.
That''s a good idea.
 

dmbfan

Shiny_Rock
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Dec 1, 2005
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188
just and idea. If you were to ask her parents for their blessing and then you could let them help you ease her mind. This is all depending in what your relationship with her parents is and how it is with her. just an idea
 

KimberlyH

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I would give her a general timeframe and then remind her that this should be a fun and exciting time in your lives, not mired with frustration.
 

dtnyc

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Date: 1/5/2007 6:09:17 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I would give her a general timeframe and then remind her that this should be a fun and exciting time in your lives, not mired with frustration.
ditto this-

it should be romantic, not a competition.
 

zoebartlett

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Dec 29, 2006
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Vindicator -


If I hadn''t known you and your girlfriend are 26, I would have thought you were referring to me! It''s hard to wait for something you know will happen eventually. My BF and I have been together for 3 years and we''ve narrowed it down to 3 rings (to give him an option). We always went ring shopping together because he wanted to see what I''ve been ogling over during the past few months. I know it will happen sometime within the year but I have no idea when. I tease my BF all the time, too, sometimes a little too much probably. I''m glad to know I''m not the only one who is this position!


I say give your girlfriend a time frame and then surprise her by proposing earlier than she thinks you will.


Best of luck. Let us know what happens. We''re waiting!!
 

Tacori E-ring

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Joined
Aug 15, 2005
Messages
20,038
Throw her off track. Pretend to plan a vacation or a special night out a month after when you plan to propose. Or just tell her the month (the wrong month) or say it will tack x number of weeks to get the ring made than it really does. She just wants an idea (and I can relate to that very well).
 

sumbride

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Feb 17, 2006
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3,867
Women who are used to being in control of their lives have a really hard time letting somebody else call the shots. It may be hard for you to understand what she''s going through, but trust me when I say the ladies here understand! As much as I knew my FI was going to propose, and as much as I knew he loved me, I still got all freaked out about when he was going to ask and it did make me feel really insecure to not know. Eventually he gave me a timeline, at my begging, and it did calm me down. He said it was within 6 months and he proposed about two and a half months into the window. He''d had the whole thing planned for a year. When I started bringing it up, probably 6 months before he proposed, he told me to trust him. It helped somewhat, but not as much as the timeline. But yeah, make sure you overshoot it so she''s not waiting on baited breath for the last day of the window.
 

Regular Guy

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Gee, I wish the people seeking to respond to you could find some sort of agreement here....
 

bee*

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As a LIW I know exactly what you''re girlfriend is going through. It definitely helps having a time line. Its very hard to stop talking about it as well as we do get very excited about it!
 

firebirdgold

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Nov 30, 2005
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2,216
Stop telling her that everytime she asks you push the date back a month. I know you think it's funny, but it's just freaking her out more!
I agree that a large part of it is the feeling of a total lack of control. This is very hard for modern women to deal with.

Try this:
Look into her eyes and hold her hand and say: "I love you and I'm looking forward to marrying you and being your husband. It's important to me to do this right/properly (and that takes time to plan (optional)), so I need you to trust me."

If you add something else to this make sure you pause after 'trust me' so she gets the point.

You can also give a time frame that's a few months beyond what you're planning. Is there a family or social event in the next 6 months? You can tell her that you'll be engaged by then.
Whatever you do do NOT use the word Soon. Girl soon is in the next two weeks.


ETA: Welcome to the board, we love to have men join!
 

DMBsGirl

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1,589
I would say, "I promise you that I won't make you wait long. I am proposing because I love u and dont want u to think I did it out of pressure. So I think the whole experience would be better for us both if u just let it happen naturally and tried your hardest to not discuss it every second."
I personally wouldn't want a specific time line, I think it would make me obsess about it more, wondering every second if it will happen then.
 

Pandora II

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Aug 3, 2006
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I have been with my FI for 2 years and 5 months. I started talking about getting married about 12 months ago and started to get engagement fever about 6 months ago. He told me he didn''t really believe in marriage which made me even more antsy.

At the beginning of October I flipped a bit and he said he reckoned if he hadn''t asked me within 12 months he''d be looking for a new flatmate. This made me feel way better - as I now knew it was a when not an if.

A few weeks later, my brother mentioned that he might ask his gf in spring/summer 2007. I was not happy as he is much younger than me and they have been together only a year. Also I knew FI''s brother was getting married in Sept 07 and I wanted a summer 08 wedding. My mother has MS and couldn''t really cope with more than one wedding a year. Also I''m 34 and so didn''t want to wait till 2009! Therefore I was now really worried that my brother would propose before my bf. Arrrrggggh - I was a nightmare...

BF assured me that he had heard, absorbed and was considering this problem, which took some assuring I can tell you.

I was basically assuming that he would propose around Easter 2007. I had calmed down totally and was back to normal. When he proposed on Christmas Eve I was completely surprised - even more so when he said he''d been thinking about it for 18 months and seriously planning for 6 months.

Give the poor girl a timeline and then propose well before the deadline. Make sure you won''t have to move the deadline either as that will create all sorts of mental monsters!

Good luck!
 

emeraldlover1

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Messages
2,913
If you get a chance to stop by the bookstore pick up a copy of "The Truth Behind The Rock" by Jessica Kaminsky. My roommate gave it to me for Christmas and it is hillarious. Its not about the ring per say, but more about engamements in general. There are storys about many different couples and how they became to be engaged. She talks about how many women had to "warm" their significant other up to the idea of engagement before they became engaged but when they actually do get engaged you don''t hear that story. Only you hear..."We are engaged and this is what he did". While funny it did put some things into perspective. If you give it to her it could be your way of saying its coming...but I don''t want you to ruin it for yourself.
 

galeteia

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Joined
May 9, 2006
Messages
1,794
Ditto on giving her a timeline that''s a few months after the date you actually plan to propose. That way, you''ll catch her off guard, and she can leave off worrying about it for a while. This will make it easier on both of you, I suspect.

I agree that planning a ''special occasion'' of some sort around the time that you are ''supposedly'' proposing will further throw her off the scent, since she''ll think you''ll be doing it then. Even asking her to keep a certain weekend free will probably work.
 

KimberlyH

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Date: 1/6/2007 10:41:56 AM
Author: Regular Guy
Gee, I wish the people seeking to respond to you could find some sort of agreement here....
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.....
 

kcoursolle

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Jan 21, 2006
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10,589
Date: 1/5/2007 5:00:08 PM
Author: flopkins
what dawn said.

tell her straight up, ''I love you, I am planning on proposing SOON, by ______(name month) Let me have some space to plan something special and surprise you. ''


When does she have to decider her residency? Does she have any idea you are ring shopping?
I think this is good advice. Then to throw her off, propose much sooner than the given month.
 

phoenixgirl

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3,369
I can sympathize with your girlfriend, and I think that her anxiety is multiplied by her needing to make a decision as to where to move. If you want, you can tell her that you love her and do plan to be engaged by x, but I would make it Memorial Day or something like that. That way when it happens much sooner, she''ll be surprised. But I don''t think she wants you to spill all the details, telling her about the setting and the exact date. That would take all the fun out of it.
 

musey

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11,242
I know EXACTLY how she feels (and have been thinking about how my bf/you feel). I wouldn''t want to be proposed to simply because I had "nagged" him into it--and knowing that should be enough to make me stop doing it (but it never is)!!

All the other posters have had good ideas with how to hint to her to back off, but honestly, once that fever has begun it will probably always feel a little bit like she pushed you. The best way I can think of to relieve her mind of that worry would be to include it in the proposal (or the post-proposal). You could tell her about not wanting to ruin the surprise, and/or how funny it was that you both started feeling the engagement itch at the same time (you just couldn''t be as open about it as she has!).

At least, that''s what I''d like to hear from my boyfriend to ease my mind

Keep us updated on the proposal (and of course, ring!!!!!) Congratulations!
 

vindicator2002

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jan 5, 2007
Messages
3
Everyone --

Thanks for the excellent advice. I was amazed by how much consensus there was on the "provide a date and do it much earlier" option.

She is graduating med school this May, and I told her what all of you suggested here -- the importance to both of us of the moment being a special one, and that I will give her an end-date but that she is not allowed to ask any more questions about it. I told her that she will have her ring before she has her diploma. In reality, however, it will occur significantly before graduation, and actually at some time before February 15. She is done with her interviews and will be visiting residency programs across the country for a "second look". At one of those visits, I will surprise her by getting a limo to pick her up at the airport and take her to a romantic hotel with a nice view, where of course, unbeknownst to her ("but knownst to all of you"), I will be waiting. She will be making several of those trips nationwide before she has to submit her "rank list" of those residency programs on February 15. Her schedule for these "second looks" is not yet set so I am in a little of a limbo as to specifics.... but it will likely be either in New York (over Times Square, which has a cheesy-yet-special story associated with us) or Los Angeles (overlooking the beach, which doesn't really have any special stories associated with it, but is still romantic and warm and fuzzy, especially in the middle of winter here in Chicago).

I have already bought the setting and am choosing bw several stones to be delivered to me by Friday, and should have the "hardware" ready to go by next week.

Thanks again, all.
 

Hopes

Rough_Rock
Joined
Dec 7, 2006
Messages
97
How sweet! I think your fi-to-be will be thrilled, and both of the locations sound great, too. Good luck with your proposal and pre-congrats! :)
 

kcoursolle

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Wonderful plan!!!! By the way, I was proposed to on the beach in LA, it was definitely romantic and wonderful. Times Square would be amazing as well.
 
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