question for you ladies

[nomnomnom]

i''m curious to know what other people think: would you prefer a ring that was entirely paid for by your fiance or would you be willing to chip in to get something better?

as background, bf and i are planning on getting engaged by the end of this yr. since there are a number of things that are still up in the air, my bf is not exactly certain what his budget will be for the ring. in the past, i have offered to chip in to help since i have a bit of savings AND because i know i have somewhat discriminating tastes.

if it were up to him, he would get me the ring of my dreams the first time around, with no upgrades in the future. in the event that this is not feasible, it seems like he is coming around to the idea of my chipping in. i had previously suggested that we maximize the quality and size of the stone by putting it in a simpler, cheaper setting, which we would then replace at a later point in time (perhaps a 5 yr anniversary project). he did not like this idea as his vision is that the ring will remain intact...i assume for the duration of my life, haha. i have no problem chipping in as i figure that at some point, his money will be my money, and my money will be his money. i''m wondering what other people would prefer in a situation like this. (not exactly my situation as of yet because there is still a chance that things will fall into place and his budget will be enough to facilitate the ring of my dreams.)

 

[misskitty]

I''m not opposed to the idea, but I know that B would never be okay with me chipping in for the ring. So, I guess I''m going with option #1 by default. I think that''s fine; technically, the ring of my dreams is any ring that he gives me. If there''s something that I find I like (a certain cut, setting, etc) I can buy myself a RHR or other piece of jewelery later on.

 

[Erinleigh]

Hi nomnomnom- welcome to PS and LIW!
Im in a similar situation to you... FF and I are in grad/med school and dont have the cash to purchase a dream ring. Unfortunately we've fallen in love with an expensive setting (around $5000), and nothing seems to top it. What we've decided to do is what your FF isn't up for, as we'll be purchasing the dream setting with a placeholder stone (ie. something other than a diamond), and further down the road, pooling our savings to purchase the rock of our dreams!

So I'm all for chipping in, because as you said 'his money will be my money, and my money will be his money'. If there was going to be any money left over after the setting, we'd for sure be chipping in together for a diamond, but it's just not feasible at this point in our lives.

 

[nomnomnom]

thanks! my bf and i are both students as well -- what great intuition you have. however, he is finishing up his phd program while i just started mine. he should be on the job market by the fall/winter, so who knows what will happen. fortunately, we both have savings -- i have some from my working days, and he has always diligently saved despite being in school for the past couple decades. i would love to see your dream setting if it's not linked anywhere here in PS.

 

[Erinleigh]

A few ladies on PS have it... if you type 'tacori 2620' into the search bar you'll be able to see some gorgeous shots of it! But here's a link to the website too Tacori 2620

ETA: It's also the pic in my avatar... I'm slightly obsessed

 

[nomnomnom]

what a lovely setting! seems well worth the wait to be able to have such a nice "home" waiting for your future stone.

 

[Erinleigh]

Thank you! We figure, this way, I''ll always have the same ''looking'' ring, just with a stone swapped out... Have you given any thought to what you''d like in an ER? PS is dangerously helpful if you havent (or even if you have...), lol!

 

[Prana]

My FI and I discussed our budget well before he purchased the ring. He was not okay with me contributing, even though I offered. I feel that it is okay for the person being proposed to to contribute to the ring, as the relationship should be equal, and I didn''t plan on reciprocating a diamond ring to him

(I did buy him an engagement gift, but not something that cost what my ering cost...

)

I first became in tuned to the idea of assisting with the ring costs after I saw the full house episode where Jesse sells his Elvis guitar to buy the ring. Then Becky finds out and buys the guitar back in secret, and tells Jesse that she should help pay for the ring because it represents their "togetherness and equality blah blah blah". I was young, but it made sense.

I''m sure somebody else knows that episode??

 

[nomnomnom]

yes, PS is WAYY too helpful in that regard. it's sort of like going to a buffet and thinking, "oh, that looks good...and that...and that...and that!" everyone's ring looks so beautiful here and are definitely sources of inspiration. i'd like something w/ pave or melee along the band, potentially cathedral style, with a pave basket around a round brilliant. bf is pretty picky and has his own set of preferences. we haven't seen what we have in mind in person yet, so we are also entertaining the idea of getting a custom setting done. we are planning though on visiting pearlmans this month and visiting another local jeweler who does custom work. should be fun!

 

[Still_Waiting]

Date: 7/15/2009 2:49:44 PM
Author: girlface
My FI and I discussed our budget well before he purchased the ring. He was not okay with me contributing, even though I offered. I feel that it is okay for the person being proposed to to contribute to the ring, as the relationship should be equal, and I didn''t plan on reciprocating a diamond ring to him

(I did buy him an engagement gift, but not something that cost what my ering cost...

)

I first became in tuned to the idea of assisting with the ring costs after I saw the full house episode where Jesse sells his Elvis guitar to buy the ring. Then Becky finds out and buys the guitar back in secret, and tells Jesse that she should help pay for the ring because it represents their ''togetherness and equality blah blah blah''. I was young, but it made sense.

I''m sure somebody else knows that episode??

I remember that episode!!!

And, yeah, I don''t have a problem with the gal chipping in...Not sure that my SO would go for it, but I really don''t see any issues if you both agree on it.

 

[Still_Waiting]

Date: 7/15/2009 2:39:01 PM
Author: Erinleigh
A few ladies on PS have it... if you type ''tacori 2620'' into the search bar you''ll be able to see some gorgeous shots of it! But here''s a link to the website too Tacori 2620

ETA: It''s also the pic in my avatar... I''m slightly obsessed

Oh, how I LOVE that setting! It''d never be in our price range though, no matter what kind of stone.

Can''t wait to see yours, though!!!

 

[mrscushion]

Chip in. It would have made me feel good to chip in, and I offered many times to pay for the setting, but it never happened -- FI just didn''t want to do it.

 

[NakedFinger]

I definitely would. Studies show the #1 cause of divorce it money. Most fights/problems in marriages have to do with finances, debt, spending etc. I never got guys go and finance $30,000 for a ring. You are starting out your marriage $30,000 in debt.

If it were between my fiance financing a ring, or us paying for it with cash together, I would rather help pay and still get the ring I want. If my fiance couldnt afford my dream ring, and me helping out would have made it possible, I would have done it in a heartbeat. Cause if he financed it, that becomes your bill too!

Like others said, you make all other decisions on large purchases together, and share income/debt, so why not this? Doesnt seem like a big deal to me.

HOWEVER, if it is something that would bother your fiance, or is the type of guy who feel emasculated by it, that I wouldnt. It depends on the guy. But if it doesnt bother him, go for it.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 7/15/2009 5:28:09 PM
Author: NakedFinger
I definitely would. Studies show the #1 cause of divorce it money. Most fights/problems in marriages have to do with finances, debt, spending etc. I never got guys go and finance $30,000 for a ring. You are starting out your marriage $30,000 in debt.


If it were between my fiance financing a ring, or us paying for it with cash together, I would rather help pay and still get the ring I want. If my fiance couldnt afford my dream ring, and me helping out would have made it possible, I would have done it in a heartbeat. Cause if he financed it, that becomes your bill too!


Like others said, you make all other decisions on large purchases together, and share income/debt, so why not this? Doesnt seem like a big deal to me.


HOWEVER, if it is something that would bother your fiance, or is the type of guy who feel emasculated by it, that I wouldnt. It depends on the guy. But if it doesnt bother him, go for it.

I had a friend from college that proposed with a 10K ring that he financed... then they had a $30K wedding that they financed... and a year later, they are getting divorced... 40K in the hole.

Get what you can afford. Appreciate what you have in each other, the things are just things.

 

[nomnomnom]

yikes. yes, both bf and i are opposed to financing -- the exceptions being cars and houses -- and are all about living within our means. he has no debt whatsoever and i only have educational debt outstanding, which i continue to pay off while i am in school.

 

[Snicklefritz]

I am helping my SO pay for my ring. He paid the majority of the diamond budget, I''m paying for the rest and the cost for the setting. It has really worked out well for us. We see the money we make as OUR money, not his or mine, so I don''t feel it''s any less romatic and he feels in no was emasculated. I would do it again in a heart beat. It''s not for everyone, but it sure is working for us. I also have an engagement present for him - not nearly as expensive, but something he will truly love. If you and your SO are comfortable with you helping out, go for it!

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Funny - I have been thinking about posting this question, but I thought it would be much more controversial than this!! Ha ha...shows what I know!

I''m so glad to hear that a lot of ladies are contributing. I am and I feel good about it - for us, the ring represents us and our committment together. Plus, our finances are already comingled, and have been since we bought a house and moved in together.

I will say that sometimes I get in these whiny/selfish moods and think, "he should be buying me the ring, that''s what the guy does." But, then I ask myself "who says...society? why am I programmed to think this??" And, I realize that we are in this TOGETHER and really, the money comes out of the same place anyway!!

 

[princessplease]

I helped FI pay for some of the setting. He had no problem with it, and it actually worked out well for us. I see no problem with it as long as you and your SO are both comfortable with doing so.
FI did tell me that if I want to upgrade for an anniversary, I can, and he''ll foot the entire bill.

 

[ckrickett]

I''m totally for chipping in and getting something bigger/nicer/better setting... whatever we decide.
However SO wants none of that and wants to pay for it himself (his pride) that being said I still want to pick out my ring which im sure he will let me. But if he wants to pay for it he will. I will respect his budget and love whatever we get.

 

[vip0802]

wow, what a toughie!

BF would NEVER let me chip in for a ring...in fact he won''t even tell me what is budget is, and the traditional part of me will respect that. however, the rational side doesn''t see a problem with chipping in at all. i mean, i''m the one that''s going to wear it for the rest of my life, so why not put a little something towards it.

btw, welcome to PS!

 

[kat6]

Our finances are combined (and were well before we became engaged) so technically we shared the expense.

 

[mousey]

I had this exact same problem. We are both grad students too, and it felt wrong to allow him to pay for the ring out of his beavered away savings. I suggested going halfs, and he was nt interested. Then I cam across the setting of my dreams, an it was v expensive (for us), and we settled on the idea that I should buy his flights to the US (we are both spending a term there). That way, I take care of an expense he had, but he still gets to say he bought the ring himself. Also, i bought him an expensive watch for his 30th a while ago, so I dont feel too terrible about him spending a bit on the ring. Maybe its the being students thing- I don t think I d mind at all if he was earning big bucks (or any bucks at all....), but it does nt seem fair on him to pay a lotta money on a ring, on his own (even though he is ok with it). So, I think if you can make it work for you, and he s ok with it, then why not chip is? And if he isn t ok with it, and you still feel bad you could buy him something or take care of a bill or somesuch?

 

[ts44]

I offered once awhile ago when we were discussing the future to chip in for a ring since we are saving for a house and I felt it was a large burden for him to bear on his finances alone. He said he would feel like a failure as a man if he didn''t buy the ring by himself. I brought it up again a little bit ago and he said no, absolutely not.

I think there''s nothing wrong with offering but don''t push it if the guy seriously feels like he needs to pay for it. It''s important to some men that they pay for the whole thing, even if it doesn''t make sense to you. Besides, it evens out in the end...I bought him an oriental rug he was dying for the other day.

However, don''t offer if you aren''t ready to pony up! A girl I know through friends offered to chip in just as a sneaky way to get her boyfriend to start thinking about the ring sooner, and she didn''t in a million years expect him to take her up on it, but he did!

 

[LilyKat]

I don''t see anything wrong with it - mainly, as has been pointed out, it''s all going to be the same money anyway once you''re married! But if you or your fiance have a problem with it, there are clever ways to get around it. Why not help your fiance pay for other things (I don''t know, car repairs, rent, groceries, whatever he''ll accept), which frees him up to use the money he would have spent on it for the ring? That way, he''s still buying it on his own, you''re just helping him out with other stuff.

 

[NicaK]

I see nothing wrong with chipping in. If your FF doesn''t feel comfortable then I agree with LilyKat that you could chip in for the other things he''s paying for.

 

[nomnomnom]

thanks all! i guess the consensus is to chip in to get something nicer, though just how much difference that will make remains to be seen. i have no problems chipping in and plan on offering in the next month or two, though he won''t accept it if he feels that his budget is large enough. he should have a better idea once we get a better handle on stone prices and whether we will be going the custom setting route. i don''t think he would accept any help financially with his usual recurring expenses but i do plan on getting him something nice as an engagement gift.

 

[Patchee]

Hi Ladies ... I just got married 5 days ago now but I wanted to share a lil something.


My husband *yeah*'s Grandmother had a round 2K D stone that husband could have had to give to me in the setting I wanted.

Instead he had me a custom made ring done that is 1.04K and .5 on both sides (d color as well). It is smaller then the inhertited grandmothers stone BUT he bought this ring for me on his own. Paid for.

He told me this recently about the Grandmothers ring and I told him that I am so happy that my ring come from his thought process, paid for by him and given to me.

So no I would never chip in to upgrade my engagement ring that is SUPPOSE to be from him to begin with, I would feel funny saying to friends and family. . . "Hey I got engaged last weekend, here look at my ring, I contributed 5K extra to get a bigger rock to flaunt"

Just not what it is about ladies. Man buys you ring.... You are NOT married and his $$$ and your $$$ is not combined at that time.

MAYBE for anniversary band (if you were to do that) make that your "upgrade".

My opinion...

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 7/17/2009 9:40:06 AM
Author: Patchee

So no I would never chip in to upgrade my engagement ring that is SUPPOSE to be from him to begin with, I would feel funny saying to friends and family. . . 'Hey I got engaged last weekend, here look at my ring, I contributed 5K extra to get a bigger rock to flaunt'

Just not what it is about ladies. Man buys you ring.... You are NOT married and his $$$ and your $$$ is not combined at that time.

MAYBE for anniversary band (if you were to do that) make that your 'upgrade'.

My opinion...

When I first read your post I completely DISagreed with you but now I'm thinking you may have a point. Traditionally a guy buys the girl a ring and if they do not get married the guy is entitled to his ring back (I've heard of a few court cases where guys have gone to court to get the ring back after a broken engagement) so perhaps the girl shouldn't help to buy it?

Having said all that, I'd have no problem chipping in after all I'm the one that'll be wearing it

 

[Nomsdeplume]

I would chip in no problem.

 

[purselover]

Date: 7/17/2009 9:40:06 AM
Author: Patchee
Hi Ladies ... I just got married 5 days ago now but I wanted to share a lil something.


My husband *yeah*''s Grandmother had a round 2K D stone that husband could have had to give to me in the setting I wanted.

Instead he had me a custom made ring done that is 1.04K and .5 on both sides (d color as well). It is smaller then the inhertited grandmothers stone BUT he bought this ring for me on his own. Paid for.

He told me this recently about the Grandmothers ring and I told him that I am so happy that my ring come from his thought process, paid for by him and given to me.

So no I would never chip in to upgrade my engagement ring that is SUPPOSE to be from him to begin with, I would feel funny saying to friends and family. . . ''Hey I got engaged last weekend, here look at my ring, I contributed 5K extra to get a bigger rock to flaunt''

Just not what it is about ladies. Man buys you ring.... You are NOT married and his $$$ and your $$$ is not combined at that time.

MAYBE for anniversary band (if you were to do that) make that your ''upgrade''.

My opinion...

Just b/c a couple isn''t married or engaged doesn''t mean their finances aren''t combined though, I''m not married yet and we share money. I also have a family ring, and I''m very happy we didn''t have to pay for it! Anyway I totally agree with the statement that if you want to contribute towards your ring you should, it''s all the same anyway when/if you combine finances.