Question for the guys proposing (and girls if they know)

[AmeliaG]

Don't know if this is the right forum for it but this question has been bugging me for awhile and ring983's post reminded me of it:

Let me start off by saying I am not a LIW. I was engaged a few months ago and broke it off (good thing all around) and while I'm dating a wonderful guy we are no where near the proposal stage (if we will be ever, the relationship is too new to tell at this point) But I do want to get married and I'm a bit of a contingency planner so I can't help but think of potential problems before they get here. I'm not going to bring anything up to my BF of course - too unfair - but this is bugging me and I have to satisfy myself by at least asking.

Since I've been on Pricescope, I've noticed a correlation between the women getting very involved in the ring picking process and the men holding onto the rings for a long time before proposing. Before I came here when my ex and I were talking engagement, I just assumed I would be heavily involved in the ring selection, I do care about the quality of the ring but I'm starting to second guess that assumption. ring983's post really brought it home to me.

i proposed to my gf about 2 weeks ago. i wanted to get her exactly what she wanted so she was very involved in the process. we started browsing stores about 1 yr in advance and after 6 months had mutually decided on what we liked and didnt like. we ended up getting a custom cad designed ring that incorporated snippets of various things we liked.

i am sooo happy to know that she gott what she wanted and that she doesnt just "love it because its her ring." the only downside is that there really was no surprise about when i picked it up. so she knew the proposal was imminent. i actually put off proposing for a while to try and make it a surprise again. i also tortured her with it in front of her like the "sos" thread and threatened to wait months. in the end i only waited a week because she had friends coming from out of town who she never sees so i wanted her to be able to celebrate with them. also very tricky to have to dodge everyones elses weddings lest you overshadow or be overshadowed on someone elses special day/timeframe.

long story short, now that i have proposed, the wishing for more surprise is gone, but the ring she really liked and designed and that we had the experiences of looking and shopping together remain. no regrets.

Bottom line is that if a fiance did this to me no matter how innocent his intentions, it would bug the hell out of me (not questioning your love for your fiancee, ring983, its obvious you do, just saying it would still bug me). I'm not that sentimental and even a romantic, clever way to propose would not be worth the wait that some of the women here have experienced. I'm fine with waiting for the engagement itself; my preference would be not to get engaged until we are ready to plan the wedding so I don't need societal affirmation on my relationship. But I am in my early 30s, so time is a factor. I'm not going to jump the gun because of my age but my age does limit my patience for waiting for what I consider non essential things like a cute, dramatic proposal.

I think if i had my preference, I would rather know upfront when talking about rings whether my getting involved in the ring selection would inspire a need in my SO to inject an element of surprise by delaying the timing. Then I would rethink my need to get heavily involved in the process and see if I could give him general enough guidelines so that he still felt in control. But the idea of having a conversation like that stumps me.

I admit this is a hypothetical question for now, my BF and I have been only dating one month and its way too early to braoch anything like a lifelong commitment, but like I said, I am a contingency planner. Right now, I'd just like to get some perspective from the guys (and girls that have been in this experience).

 

[RockGuy]

Hi, I'm recently engaged and can probably give you some perspective on a couple things you brought up.

First off, I don't mean to be offensive and I know this is a delicate subject... My fiance is 31 and I'm 29. I understood the need to not delay things terribly because of our mutual desire to start a family. I think I'm safe in saying that most men would have that awareness.

That being said, I was the diamond picker, ring picker, and all that just because I have much greater knowledge having grown up with family in the business. As for style, I made the effort to figure out what I thought she would like without her catching on to what I was doing. This worked for me and she tells everyone that it's her dream ring and nicer than she ever imagined. It was important to me to give her a fairy-tale like proposal, so I can understand some men wanting to wait to try to do that for their girlfriends. I would think that their would be a balancing act between wanting to surprise her and not waiting too long. Some subtle hints may be able to influence that... maybe.

 

[AmeliaG]

Thanks Rockguy. You weren't offensive at all; I appreciate your honesty.

This is where a forum like this can be so helpful - to get other people's perspective. I was thinking a guy would feel pressured to put on a dramatic proposal because he thought that is what the girl wanted and it felt funny to broach because its not something important to me; I hadn't thought that the guy himself would want that so you've given me something to chew on.

What I thought I was picky on at first, I'm not so picky on. In truth, I like a lot of different styles on me and a lot of different size diamonds, its more the quality of each that matters. In the future if I had a fiance as knowledgeable as you, I would be happy to be surprised with a ring.

Thanks again for responding.

 

[RockGuy]

Sure, no problem! I can't believe that it took me this long to find this forum... I'm a little behind the times.

Personally, the proposal for me was a very special moment. As I see it, it was the defining moment of a new life long commitment. There's something pretty cool about putting yourself out there and having faith in your actions, especially when you just spent your savings on something like a ring, an ultimate symbol of your love in many cases, and the vulnerability of being on one knee and having your life about to change one way or the other

A surprise was important to me and it made our moment more special. You can see pics on my last post in my Show Me the Bling thread, called "Got my round halo from GOG." (Sorry, I haven't tackled links yet)

That being said, it's probably unusual for the man to have a keener eye for jewelry and more knowledge. I would assume that many guys spending a huge sum of money would like to know they are spending it wisely on something their girlfriend would want to wear the next 50 years. Perhaps a good way to give options would be to reveal a couple styles you like. I would also make sure to show styles that you don't so that it doesn't look like you like everything. If you're not that picky maybe that would work and maybe some of the other guys on here can comment on whether that's a good level of guidance and if that would be appreciated. I'm really only speculating because it was different for me.

By the way, I am super intrigued by your question and look forward to hearing more responses from different voices.

 

[merilenda]

I was heavily involved in choosing my ring. FI and I went trying on rings together, and I got a sense of what I liked on my hand. I chose the diamond and the setting for my ring. Once I made a decision, FI contacted the vendor and coordinated the purchase. After receiving the ring, FI proposed less than 24 hours later.

He has said that the one part of the process that wasn't ideal was that it wasn't a surprise. But once he got the ring, I think he was just so excited and ready to propose. I've actually talked to him before about guys who hold onto the ring for a while before proposing, just since I was curious to get his take. He's told me that he doesn't really understand it. But that it probably happens when the guy isn't really ready to propose yet. He made sure that he was ready before we seriously started looking at rings.

 

[vintagelover229]

I'm in the situation now where we have had the ring for a year and I did fully pick it out. I love vintage pieces and when a vintage ring was posted on a site that I've bought from before for a smoking deal I had to show it to my bf. Having had an e-ring before (and how much I know about diamonds/jewelery) he felt he had to "upstage" my last ring. I in no way felt that way. However I knew in order for him to "upstage" my 1.31 J SI1 AVC he'd have to spend a pretty penny more and that wasn't factoring in the 5k worth of immigration fees into the mix (or a wedding!). Being in another country and having priorities change I actually wanted a .5 bezel OEC ring but he insisted it had to be bigger and better then my last one. I didn't want him to spend a lot on a ring (my old stone was 5k and that was before the massive price increase) so when my ring was listed for sale and was higher quality then my last ring, MUCH bigger and actually cost LESS then my first one I knew we'd found our winner.

That being said...we'd only been dating about 3 months when the ring was found so I knew if he actually bought it he'd be holding onto it for a while. Had I known just how long I would have rather NOT known about him having the ring in his possession. I've gotten better about it though and he had a sibling who also was getting engaged soon so we also wanted to wait for them. They are now engaged and we've been dating well over a year so it should be any time now I hope!

 

[iheartscience]

I also don't understand why a man would hold onto a ring for months. It seems very controlling to me, and a lot of times (at least from what I read here in LIW) the men tend to hold it over their girlfriends' heads and act like it's a reward for good behavior.

I think the whole concept of a surprise proposal is kind of silly, because there really doesn't seem to be such a thing these days. The vast majorities of couples (at least the ones I know) talk about getting married well before they get engaged. Plus they often live together and have somewhat comingled finances, so it doesn't really make sense for a man to drop $10k on a ring without clearing it with his future wife first.

 

[AmeliaG]

Thanks for the replies. Its really interesting to read other people's perspectives.

Personally, the proposal for me was a very special moment. As I see it, it was the defining moment of a new life long commitment. There's something pretty cool about putting yourself out there and having faith in your actions, especially when you just spent your savings on something like a ring, an ultimate symbol of your love in many cases, and the vulnerability of being on one knee and having your life about to change one way or the other

RockGuy, I saw your thread in Show Me the Bling. My God, You put a lot of thought into that; I'm so glad your FI loved it. It can be a delicate subject, so I appreciate your sharing.

 

[AmeliaG]

I was heavily involved in choosing my ring. FI and I went trying on rings together, and I got a sense of what I liked on my hand. I chose the diamond and the setting for my ring. Once I made a decision, FI contacted the vendor and coordinated the purchase. After receiving the ring, FI proposed less than 24 hours later.

He has said that the one part of the process that wasn't ideal was that it wasn't a surprise. But once he got the ring, I think he was just so excited and ready to propose. I've actually talked to him before about guys who hold onto the ring for a while before proposing, just since I was curious to get his take. He's told me that he doesn't really understand it. But that it probably happens when the guy isn't really ready to propose yet. He made sure that he was ready before we seriously started looking at rings.

Hi, merilenda. Hmmm, your FI may have a point there. I may be lucky in that I don't want a long engagement. Next time, I really want to make sure he's ready before we start talking rings. My sister had a long engagement and got so tired of people asking her 'When's the wedding'. At first it was fun, but after awhile, she hated it because she didn't have the answer (for good reasons but still)

I'm curious, how did you broach the conversation with your FI about guys who hold onto rings. Did you ask him before he proposed?

 

[AmeliaG]

That being said...we'd only been dating about 3 months when the ring was found so I knew if he actually bought it he'd be holding onto it for a while. Had I known just how long I would have rather NOT known about him having the ring in his possession. I've gotten better about it though and he had a sibling who also was getting engaged soon so we also wanted to wait for them. They are now engaged and we've been dating well over a year so it should be any time now I hope!

vintagelover229, thanks for sharing your story. Wow, after 3 months of dating, yeah, that would definitely be too soon for me to get a proposal. We've been dating a month and while things are going really good, if he's getting an engagement ring within the first few months of dating, I'd rather not know, not because of the wait but because I'd be thinking he jumped the gun. Were you two talking marriage at that point?

 

[AmeliaG]

I also don't understand why a man would hold onto a ring for months. It seems very controlling to me, and a lot of times (at least from what I read here in LIW) the men tend to hold it over their girlfriends' heads and act like it's a reward for good behavior.

I think the whole concept of a surprise proposal is kind of silly, because there really doesn't seem to be such a thing these days. The vast majorities of couples (at least the ones I know) talk about getting married well before they get engaged. Plus they often live together and have somewhat comingled finances, so it doesn't really make sense for a man to drop $10k on a ring without clearing it with his future wife first.

I hear ya, thing2of2. The teasing aspect of it turns me off too in a major way.

It does seem controlling and I'm wondering if its a response to the woman's taking control of the ring design/selection. It seems like a case of one control behavior in one partner encouraging a control behavior in the other and I really don't want to get into that. That's why I'm re-thinking how much control I want over the ring selection.

Honestly, it seems with some custom engagement ring projects that the guy really has had no real meaningful contribution to the design of the ring or selection of the diamond. If the guy's OK with that, that's fine, I can do everything, but if he's not fine with it and he doesn't say so upfront, it would be very frustrating for me to spend all that time designing a ring and picking a diamond and then not get to wear it very soon after its done. If I didn't spend that much time upfront, it wouldn't bother me but once I'd spent a lot of time, I'd want to enjoy it as soon as I could (plus also be able to do other things like plan a wedding, etc.).

 

[gummy-bear]

It seems to me guys hold onto the ring for various reasons. Some I've seen include:

- They bought the diamond / ring because it was a good deal or they were afraid of rising prices before the guy was ready to propose.

- The girl knew the ring was around and he wanted to throw her off.

- There are circumstances that was arisen that make announcing an engagement inappropriate i.e. A death in the family.


Something I heard from a male who bought the ring on his own but still waited was this. This now wife was constantly talking about getting engaged. He waited till she kind of dropped the topic to propose so it wouldn't seem like it was something that was forced but was something he wanted to do.

In our relationship the boyfriend brought up the topic of getting married and wanted to go to a few local stores to get an idea of what I liked. I hesitated at first because I thought it was too early to get engaged. Eventually we did go and I found the style that I liked. Problem was no one sold exactly what I was looking for. It can be described as a Vatche Royal Crown-like setting (wish I had known about this before).

Anyways while researching diamonds and settings I stumbled upon Blue Nile and eventually PS. I then convinced the boyfriend to buy online because I found out how much more it would cost him to have the ring made locally. A quote from a local B&M was double what he paid. I don't think there was anything wrong with me picking out the stone and the setting. He knew I had something very specific in mind and let me have full control while footing the bill which I still consider hefty although it's nothing compared to some PS budgets.

Sorry about the long post, just adding my input.

 

[amc80]

I was fully involved in the ring process; it was custom and we designed it together. I also approved the CADs. My fiance waited approximately two hours to propose after he picked it up. Was it a huge surprise with fireworks and swans? Nope. But at the end of the day, I was engaged, and that's what is important. I will echo what a previous poster said- we are both anxious to get married and start a family, so delaying the engagement didn't really make sense.

I have a friend whose now fiance delayed the proposal by 5 months or so. They were going to Mexico over Christmas and she assumed he would propose (they had been together like 10 years or something crazy). And, nothing. Then, 5 months later, they went to Hawaii and that's where he proposed. He told her he had planned on doing it in Mexico but knew she thought it would happen, so he waited. I'd be pi$$ed.

 

[Hospatogi]

My boyfriend and I designed our ring together and frankly the whole process brought us closer together. I am so glad that he chose to let me be included in designing my ring. Now that its finished I cant wait to be engaged however my boyfriend is planning to wait not because he is trying to be controlling but because he feels by planning a special proposal he is showing me just how much he loves me . I think part of marriage is compromise and my boyfriend let me be part of the ring design process because he knew how much that would mean to me. So I dont think it would be fair of me to try to steal away the moment he has been waiting for which is the moment he asks me to be his wife just because I cant wait patiently.

 

[vintagelover229]

vintagelover229, thanks for sharing your story. Wow, after 3 months of dating, yeah, that would definitely be too soon for me to get a proposal. We've been dating a month and while things are going really good, if he's getting an engagement ring within the first few months of dating, I'd rather not know, not because of the wait but because I'd be thinking he jumped the gun. Were you two talking marriage at that point?

To be honest I knew after only knowing him for 3 days and on our 2nd date that he was the one for me. Which considering I'd had just gotten out of a longer relationship not even a year before was NOT on my to do list at that time. I was also in Houston finishing up my degree and he was in Toronto so all the cards that could be stacked against us were. But from the first time we spent time together (grocery shopping for our first date so I could cook him dinner) and while we were there we were just so in sync. It's really hard to describe but I looked at him and said it feels like we've been doing this forever and he looked at me and he agreed. It had felt like we'd been shopping together for years, not our first trip. I guess that was the first sign. We talked about marriage really early on bc we both were the type to not waste anyones time, especially consider the difficulties in an international relationship. I came up for 3 months to "test run" and see if we really could build a foundation for a long term relationship. Time went by so quickly for us and we found out within weeks that we were loved being together and didn't want to be apart. Neither of us wanted to rush into anything so we've just been enjoying our time getting to know each other better and building our relationship but we both knew we were going to end up married. Now it's just waiting on him to figure out how and when he's going to propose but because I know about the ring he'll likely hold onto it and do it at a time when I least expect it.

 

[ring983]

Some background then.

I tried very hard to make it a surprise. I was going to stealthily pick up the ring from the jeweler unbeknownst to her, however she managed to ruin this surprise. I told her the punishment for being so inquisitive was that I would wait a length of time until the surprise aspect was restored. In the end this happened to be one week. This one week was harder on me than her because here I had this ring that I couldn't show to her to talk about how pretty it was.

So why would it bug her that I want to have the right moment for the proposal. As a rational adult, I would hope that she could understand the significance and the symbolism of of the moment and have the patience and trust in my judgment that I would pick the right time. But the fact that she wasn't a hot mess or a whiny pain in the neck for that week is just one of the reasons that we get along so well.

My fiance and I have been together for 4 years of gradschool. We've talked marriage since the beginning, and have planned on it for about a year and a half. Our life has not changed from the proposal except for the ring, the congratulations from friends, and the go-ahead to begin planning the wedding. Is it more official now? Not really. We could theoretically break up tomorrow. Her parents on the other hand considered it official since when I went to ask their permission. They were ready to pop the champagne then and there, despite my explanations that there had not yet been a proposal and was not ring. (This was a cultural misunderstanding.) The importance of the engagement is in its symbolism, and therefore I wanted the ideal moment to capture this symbolism, rather than jsut fitting it in between commercials while sitting on the couch.

 

[captainmcgee]

My SO and I chose the ring together entirely. I was there every step of the way, in fact I even picked up the ring from the jeweler on my own. It is an unusual situation. I am glad I was involved in some ways but in others I wish I wasn't. The perfectionist side of me is happy, the romantic side not so much. It is also killing me because we picked up the ring about Nov/Dec last year. I have been waiting for 6 months. He hasn't even been seen to make a move towards the proposal. What is even worse is that our close friends just got engaged and he's like well I am definitely not doing it anytime soon now.

I am not sure why he is holding back, maybe he isn't ready. Which is odd when he has purchased the ring but then he tells me that he wants to be completely set up to be able to support me before he proposes but as far as I know (and we have lived together for 2 years) we are. Originally he said he wanted it to be a surprise as since I knew about the ring he said he had to wait until I had "forgotten". Unfortunately, that was never going to happen seeing as I work in the bridal industry and I am currently planning our close friends wedding, how am I meant to forget about the ring ..... Anyway as you can imagine, it is killing me waiting!

He also thinks that I am still young so he doesn't need to be in any rush but he obviously didn't realise that by purchasing the ring I would be waiting from then on. I think he thought, now I have got it we can wait another year or two

Not really sure what to do.

My opinion is that, I am so glad I was involved because I know that when the time does come I am going to be absolutely head over heels in love with it but if you have no patience, this is not the option for you.

 

[merilenda]

I was heavily involved in choosing my ring. FI and I went trying on rings together, and I got a sense of what I liked on my hand. I chose the diamond and the setting for my ring. Once I made a decision, FI contacted the vendor and coordinated the purchase. After receiving the ring, FI proposed less than 24 hours later.

He has said that the one part of the process that wasn't ideal was that it wasn't a surprise. But once he got the ring, I think he was just so excited and ready to propose. I've actually talked to him before about guys who hold onto the ring for a while before proposing, just since I was curious to get his take. He's told me that he doesn't really understand it. But that it probably happens when the guy isn't really ready to propose yet. He made sure that he was ready before we seriously started looking at rings.

Hi, merilenda. Hmmm, your FI may have a point there. I may be lucky in that I don't want a long engagement. Next time, I really want to make sure he's ready before we start talking rings. My sister had a long engagement and got so tired of people asking her 'When's the wedding'. At first it was fun, but after awhile, she hated it because she didn't have the answer (for good reasons but still)

I'm curious, how did you broach the conversation with your FI about guys who hold onto rings. Did you ask him before he proposed?

I don't think I brought it up before we were engaged, but only because the topic never came up I guess. I don't really feel like there's a topic I can't bring up with him. He knows I read PS, just like I know he reads a different forum, and sometimes we ask each others' opinions on things we've read. So I'm sure I just asked him directly for his input.

I agree completely with thing2 though. I wouldn't have had it any other way than being involved. FI had lived together for 2 years by the time he proposed and our finances were pretty much joined. Plus, obviously I wear the ring every day. I just don't see any reason why I shouldn't have been involved in such a major purchase.

 

[AmeliaG]

Thanks for replying everybody.

I've been reading; just not responding because I've been mulling over all of your great insights. Lame excuse, I know, for not responding.

ring983 - I'm sorry my post came out the way it did. Its obvious that your fiancee and you love each other very much. I should have said that what works perfectly fine for another woman would not work for me and this is what I'm learning from all the replies.

I don't think there is a right way or a wrong way to do it; as long as both are on the same page. It just seems to present a challenge because couples often are not comfortable in talking about it.

One reason I'm asking is based on what happened in my previous relationship. He didn't play games with the ring but he started acting like a different person once we were engaged. We didn't have a ring or a proposal as a criteria for being engaged and we announced it to our families. So I started planning on the engagement ring and the wedding which we'd both talked about. Upshot was that he told me he wasn't ready and didn't know if he would ever be. He never told me that I was jumping the gun or putting pressure on him although obviously looking at Pricescope and wedding venues would put pressure but it was the natural pressure of having to do something that you said you were ready to do. So it was the kind of pressure I thought was unavoidable and the reason why you shouldn't say you're ready when you're not.

But reading some threads here, I'm seeing a lot of guys act funny like my ex - just its going on with the ring selection and proposal which we never had set as a criteria for engagement. We definitely were through; his father told me so and was kinda pissed at him. But it didn't save me the trauma of having everything go fine and then get thrown out of the water when I least expected it.

merilenda and vintagelover220, thanks so much for coming back and answering my questions. They've really helped.

 

[affguy]

Advance warning: My way of looking at things is often very different than my partner's, and many people's for that matter, but especially those of the fairer sex.

I had to admit to my girlfriend that I was considering proposing at some point in the approaching future, in part because she was exhibiting flashes of insecurity that I wanted to put at ease, and in part because I wanted some input from her on her likes and dislikes with regard to jewelry. We did a bit of window shopping together, then I set off on my own. Several weeks (and a couple conversations about diamonds) later, I felt compelled to get her input on one particular stone that had lots of potential, but was a bit over-budget, and with a significant imperfection at that. She approved and now knows that I've purchased it, and that it's been sent off to be set (in a ring she knows nothing about besides it being less expensive than some options we were considering, due to the increased stone cost).

Here comes the part that might cause some heartburn, as it probably sounds selfish (and very well may be). Considering the "gives" and "gets" of the whole proposal/wedding/marriage thing, we each get the other's deep committment to love, honor, respect each other, so that's a wash. But here at proposal time, I'm giving up a serious chunk of change (more than I've ever spent on anything besides a house/car) for my partner to have something that is fundamentally "cute, but non essential". My compensation for this outlay, in my opinion, is that initial expression of shock, and the subsequent times I catch her admiring the ring. If I walk away with a sense of satisfaction and a memory of seeing joy on her face, then the expense was worth it. But if she were to go ring shopping with my debit card and schedule the proposal on our Outlook? Sorry, but the $199 heart-shaped ring at Jared's would be as memorable for me.

She gets a ring, I get a memory, we both get each other. There's no game playing, or holding anything over anyone's head, or torturing...I just spent a wheelbarrow of cash on something symbolic but otherwise superfluous (ok, a micro-mini wheelbarrow ) and would like the presentation to be a surprise. I'm not going to make her wait years, but month's are certainly not an unreasonable request.

 

[AmeliaG]

Thanks for your input, Affguy. Actually I'm a girl, but your POV makes a lot of sense.

Once I heard some stories here on PS, I admit I was wondering what the guy got in all this and I only read a vague 'He just wants to make me happy.' Well, of course, you want to make each other happy, otherwise, you wouldn't be marrying. But usually when couples do a joint project - a significant involved purchase like a house or a car, its not enough just to make one person in the couple happy. Each of them have to get something other than just 'make the other person happy'.

The surprise seems a natural want for the guy - something I hadn't considered before coming to Pricescope. If i may ask, how did you discuss it with your girlfriend? Did you tell her what you wanted to keep some of the surprise element?

 

[vintagelover229]

Thanks for your input, Affguy. Actually I'm a girl, but your POV makes a lot of sense.

Once I heard some stories here on PS, I admit I was wondering what the guy got in all this and I only read a vague 'He just wants to make me happy.' Well, of course, you want to make each other happy, otherwise, you wouldn't be marrying. But usually when couples do a joint project - a significant involved purchase like a house or a car, its not enough just to make one person in the couple happy. Each of them have to get something other than just 'make the other person happy'.

The surprise seems a natural want for the guy - something I hadn't considered before coming to Pricescope. If i may ask, how did you discuss it with your girlfriend? Did you tell her what you wanted to keep some of the surprise element?

Both my bf and I come from traditional Christian families and so this buying of the ring that early on and my long term visits (meaning I'm staying with him 3-6 months at a time on visitor visa) and had our relationship been more "normal" (meaning I lived near him, lived apart, etc) the route that we went probably would have been VERY different. In fact, I'm sure I would have given him my dream ring list and then the list of all the things that would make me equally happy and sent him on his merry way. When we did buy the ring I took it to an appraiser right away (in the states). I gave the ring box to the appraiser and didn't look at the ring at all (it was hard!). I waited until my bf was down there to finally take a look at our little piece of treasure that we had bought and we were both thrilled. I've seen it a few times since then (as it's now in Canada) but by the time he proposes it will have been a while since I've seen it. He's dead set on a romantic proposal and has told me many times that it's very important to him to have the nice proposal, especially considering the ring situation. So we are doing our best to keep it as "traditional" as we can in an nontraditional situation.

His brother dated his gf for 7 years before he proposed this past Christmas. He had a house (he's fixing up) already lined up and the men in his family just like things done a certain way. She had ZERO say in the ring (despite me trying to feed him info that she wanted vintage) but she's a country girl and so at the end of the day what the ring looked like to her didn't matter (it's very beautiful channel set diamonds on the band with a .5 RB) but it's not vintage in any case. They were also very traditional in their announcement and did it at the large family event. Everyone was waiting for it bc they'd been together so long and she had just finished school (to which I found out later he wanted done prior to an engagement).

The only down side to everything now is that we've been dating 16 months now and bc it's international and we both come from traditional families the questions are starting. Since his brothers engagement (younger brother I might add) and the unusual situation we are in (I can't start immigration process until we are married) the "when are you getting engaged" comments have begun. It's so bad that when we went out to dinner with his old co-works (who are great btw) the first thing they did was look to see if I had a ring on...then they brought it up! Thankfully I have an answer for this: Just waiting on him to ask to which he looks a little sheepish and brushes it off.

I hope this additional info helps. Had our relationship been more "normal" the whole situation would be different. He's very traditional and would have done things differently if he could have. Although I know for a FACT he likes the ring more than I do lol. I want something a lot more understated and practical now and the ring we got is no longer practical in my mind (I want to live on a farm and what on earth can I do with a 1.64 carat ring while farming?) but he's super happy with the size. He said that no one will mess with me with that *Rock* on my finger bc it will scare all the men away.

 

[affguy]

The surprise seems a natural want for the guy - something I hadn't considered before coming to Pricescope. If i may ask, how did you discuss it with your girlfriend? Did you tell her what you wanted to keep some of the surprise element?

I told her pretty much the same thing I said in that post. That she was going to get something beautiful on her finger and I’d like something beautiful filed away in the memory banks. I suggested that she, after giving me her input, try to forget all things wedding/proposal related. Of course we both knew that it would be impossible for her to completely succeed at that (and marriage would be a bad idea if she could), but if the hustle/bustle/excitement of ring shopping could die down and the routine day-to-day stuff push itself back to the front of her mind, that’d be good enough for me.

I’ve since caught her browsing bridal web pages on her laptop (and when she slapped it closed and started blushing, remarked that girls look at totally different internet pron than guys! ), and she’s told me this kind of waiting is worse than all her birthdays & christmas’s wrapped together, which certainly makes me feel nice but seriously damages my theory that any sort of “forgetting” is possible. I’m not going to text her and tell her that her ring is sitting on the coffee table, but my proposal ideas get less and less elaborate as I try to balance my desires for “memorable” with her desires for “now”. It’s easy at the moment, as I don’t have the ring in my possession yet, but I think it’ll get tougher as each calendar page turns.

 

[KittyGolightly]

Amelia, this is what hypothetical friends are for. When the opportunity presents itself (e.g. the two of you are going to a wedding, or someone you both know gets engaged), simply mention that you knew a girl who helped to pick out her ring but then had to wait <insert your unacceptable time period here> because he wanted to "surprise" her. Say this with a disapproving/disappointed look on your face. Then mention that it would have been so much better if he had <insert your preferred method of engagement here>. Smile brightly as you say this. Problem solved.

 

[mayerling]

I also don't understand why a man would hold onto a ring for months. It seems very controlling to me, and a lot of times (at least from what I read here in LIW) the men tend to hold it over their girlfriends' heads and act like it's a reward for good behavior.

I think the whole concept of a surprise proposal is kind of silly, because there really doesn't seem to be such a thing these days. The vast majorities of couples (at least the ones I know) talk about getting married well before they get engaged. Plus they often live together and have somewhat comingled finances, so it doesn't really make sense for a man to drop $10k on a ring without clearing it with his future wife first.

Thing2, I couldn't agree more.

 

[affguy]

I think the whole concept of a surprise proposal is kind of silly, because there really doesn't seem to be such a thing these days. The vast majorities of couples (at least the ones I know) talk about getting married well before they get engaged. Plus they often live together and have somewhat comingled finances, so it doesn't really make sense for a man to drop $10k on a ring without clearing it with his future wife first.

The whole $10k on a finger decoration thing is kind of silly in the first place. A surprise proposal just continues that trend. Romance is rarely rational, and I think most of us like it that way.

 

[slg47]

I think the whole concept of a surprise proposal is kind of silly, because there really doesn't seem to be such a thing these days. The vast majorities of couples (at least the ones I know) talk about getting married well before they get engaged. Plus they often live together and have somewhat comingled finances, so it doesn't really make sense for a man to drop $10k on a ring without clearing it with his future wife first.

The whole $10k on a finger decoration thing is kind of silly in the first place. A surprise proposal just continues that trend. Romance is rarely rational, and I think most of us like it that way.

it is kind of silly but looking at it brings me much happiness!

 

[AmeliaG]

Well, my BF brought it up last night. Amazing, no hypothetical friend needed. (thanks, though, Kittgolightly)

His brother is dating a long-term girlfriend and he confided to me, his brother is getting freaked out at her pushing for a proposal. It had to have been fate, he was asking me for a woman's perspective on the situation.

Now here's the kicker. Apparently his brother has what looks like a very well laid out plan in place but her pushing is messing up his plans (or so his brother thinks). I told my BF that his brother hasn't shared any of his plans with her so she's operating in the dark.

The latest that freaked him out were the rings she was e-mailing him. They're way over the budget he had planned and he's scared of disappointing her by giving her something less than she expected. I think his brother has no clue of how much diamonds cost - he'd budgeted $1500 for the engagement ring and both wedding bands. For some reason, its very important to buy both wedding bands when he gets the engagement ring. I think he's looking at the engagement as being ready to get married like soon and I get the idea that's not her impression. My BF agreed but he was kinda put off that the engagement should mean anything other than ready to get married.

I was really confused as to why his brother wasn't telling her any of this and it seems the surprise element is really important to guys - at least some guys. I mentioned to my BF how some couples designed the ring together and then the woman got freaked out because her intended waited months to propose. He said that once she's designed the ring, the only major surprise element the man has left is the timing.

We had a good talk - he admitted somewhat that this way of keeping the surprise was not very smart of his brother but he didn't know of an alternative. He mentioned his other brother didn't have this problem - they agreed they'd get engaged when he got a new job (his other brother hated his old job), looked at rings, and then when he got the new job, he proposed (more like used the engagement ring as a messenger that he got the job and they were ready). I thought this was a great idea. My BF said, well she had to wait over a year with no idea how long it would take, and I said, at least she knew the plan and he followed up on it. I could see the light bulb come on in his eyes. So he's going to talk to his brother.

 

[iheartscience]

I think the whole concept of a surprise proposal is kind of silly, because there really doesn't seem to be such a thing these days. The vast majorities of couples (at least the ones I know) talk about getting married well before they get engaged. Plus they often live together and have somewhat comingled finances, so it doesn't really make sense for a man to drop $10k on a ring without clearing it with his future wife first.

The whole $10k on a finger decoration thing is kind of silly in the first place. A surprise proposal just continues that trend. Romance is rarely rational, and I think most of us like it that way.

Absolutely, but it's even sillier to spend that much money without any input. Since you showed your girlfriend the diamond before you bought it, it seems like you agree with me on that.

And I think we have different definitions of a surprise proposal. To me, a surprise proposal is one where the woman doesn't know that the man has even bought the ring. I do think that a proposal like that would be a great surprise, provided they're definitely on the same page about marriage. But I know almost no one who had an actual surprise proposal, at least not among my family and friends.

 

[affguy]

I think the whole concept of a surprise proposal is kind of silly, because there really doesn't seem to be such a thing these days. The vast majorities of couples (at least the ones I know) talk about getting married well before they get engaged. Plus they often live together and have somewhat comingled finances, so it doesn't really make sense for a man to drop $10k on a ring without clearing it with his future wife first.

The whole $10k on a finger decoration thing is kind of silly in the first place. A surprise proposal just continues that trend. Romance is rarely rational, and I think most of us like it that way.

Absolutely, but it's even sillier to spend that much money without any input. Since you showed your girlfriend the diamond before you bought it, it seems like you agree with me on that.

And I think we have different definitions of a surprise proposal. To me, a surprise proposal is one where the woman doesn't know that the man has even bought the ring. I do think that a proposal like that would be a great surprise, provided they're definitely on the same page about marriage. But I know almost no one who had an actual surprise proposal, at least not among my family and friends.

You’re correct, we were talking about different types of surprise proposals, and your definition makes more sense. The concept I was referring to was more of the modern proposal, catching the girl off-guard (but not blindsided) and offering the ring in some sort of memorable setting or presentation, basically trying to trigger an emotional response more profound than would be possible with a “your ring will be here Tuesday, and then we’ll be engaged”. This entire process is rife with tradition, and while I think a more collaborative decision process than was common decades ago is good, we don’t have to discard *all* of the tradition. I’d prefer my role be something greater than simply financier, otherwise I’d just hand her a bunch of money and tell her to have fun. I was married once before, when I was very young, and my “proposal” (if you could even call it that) was the worst imaginable. This time, I don’t need a 30-second spot on Fox during halftime of the Super Bowl, but it certainly won’t be over the phone, while she’s at work.

Also, while it’s entirely possible that some guys do try to use a ring in their possession for less than honorable intentions, I doubt it’s particularly common. You have to understand the perspective you mostly hear in this forum (LIW) is that of women anxiously awaiting said rings who are varying degrees of sensitive to each day that passes without their arrival. Speaking as the guy in such a situation, holding anything over my lover’s head or trying to dangle it as some prize for her to earn is the furthest thing from my mind. I simply want the process to be memorable for both of us, and given my investment in this, I don’t think that’s an unreasonable request. Along the same lines of perspective, understand that there are multiple types of “encouragement” and ways that it can be interpreted. A giddy “oooooohhh I can’t wait” makes one feel warm & fuzzy. An exasperated “you’ve had the ring for three months, get with the program already”? Not so much. People who volunteer around their community because they want to enjoy it far more than those who do so because a judge told them to, and I guarantee that any guy who felt compelled to meet someone else’s proposal deadline enjoyed it far less than he would have at a time and place of his own choosing.

If a marriage inherits any traits of the engagement that led to it, mine will include open communication, but not full disclosure to the point that pleasant surprises are prohibited. We’ll try to provide for each other’s wishes, but also admit to our own, and sometimes we’ll wait for the other, while other times we’ll try to hurry for them. Honesty, compromise, laughter, gifts, romance…I’m looking forward to it.