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PSer's with "adult kids"....how often do you talk to them?

jaysonsmom

jaysonsmom

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 13, 2004
Messages
4,950
To preface this, I have an 18 year old son who just moved to college last week. I miss him so much, and I'm trying my damn hardest not to text, call, facetime. My hubby and my daughter have essentially banned me from reaching out to him because they feel that I need to let him spread his wings and fly....I'm essentially dying inside because I miss him so much! Anyways, he is only 18, and first time living away so I'm trying to respect his space. So, I'm just curious as to other's who have adult kids.....how often do you talk to them?
 
I was lucky to hear from mine 2x per month. I managed to get him on a weekly schedule eventually but it did take a while. I was just as bad at that age so I figure my karmic debt has been paid lol
 
Good topic! My DD, I speak with daily because she lives alone in NYC so...she also allows me to track her phone because she’s alone! DS is married so a lot less often.
When they were in college, I said goodnight to DD every night because I worried more being my first and a female. DS was not very responsive, so I was happy to just get a reply.
He’ll reach out when he needs you. They always do.Trust me!! :lol:
 
We were controlling parents. Every evening our son and our daughter reported that they are fine and not in trouble. No one negotiated, no one asked their opinion. It was easier for them to report. :mrgreen::bigsmile::twisted: Spread your wings, but call your momma every evening at 10pm.
 
Slick1 said:
Good topic! My DD, I speak with daily because she lives alone in NYC so...she also allows me to track her phone because she’s alone! DS is married so a lot less often.
When they were in college, I said goodnight to DD every night because I worried more being my first and afemale. DS was not very responsive, so I was happy to just get a reply.
He’ll reach out when he needs you. They always do.Trust me!! :lol:
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Funny you mentioned the difference between your DS and DD. I talk to my parents almost 3-5x a week! They live in a different country and they are getting older so I facetime them ALL the time. They hardly hear from my brother!
 
Oldest DS might call a few times per year. I see him on holidays.

Middle DS and I text almost everyday because we like politics.

DD is about once a week.

I just want to say that I hope this gets better for you.
 
House Cat said:
Oldest DS might call a few times per year. I see him on holidays.

Middle DS and I text almost everyday because we like politics.

DD is about once a week.

I just want to say that I hope this gets better for you.
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I held off texting or calling all week because we just dropped him off last weekend. This past Saturday I was so excited when he sent a group text to me and dh, asking what to do about a faulty water valve....dh told him to call RA, I told him to call building maintenance. He took my advice and took care of it. I then proceeded to ask him how he is eating, how he is getting along with his roommate, what plans he had for the weekend etc etc. he was responsive at first, but after a few back and forth texts....he sent a text to dh (only) which essentially asked dh to tell me to stop texting him! Guess he didn’t want me to Hurt my feelings by telling me to stop....but I was hurt anyway!
 
Jaysonsmom--I'm sorry it hurt your feelings.
He is probably going through a lot of emotions, including homesickness and missing family. Plus overwhelmed with school and new living arrangements and making new friends.
I would view this as him compartmentalizing.
For a short while he may check out because he is adjusting.
Give it some time and try to not be too hurt. He will come back.
Boys are pretty clear cut about separating from Mommy at this age--they are becoming men. But trust me, they all come back and they still love you. They are just doing what 18 YO males need to do.
 
It seems to get harder the older they get and the more involved they get in having their own lives
Gary divorced their mother when they were young and he lived in another city so it was always the school holidays when he got to see them, back in the day before smart phones and toll calls were exspensive
Also he doesn't like facebook - neither do i - and that seems to be how the younger ones communicate now - i just find it gossipy and impersonal

Doesn't mean he doesn't love his kids just because we don't touch base often enough
 
I feel there are cultural differences between the US and Canada. Sort of. Where we live there is the greatest number of post secondary institutions in Canada. So we don't really just send our kids off at 18 and that's it. Lots do live away from home, but it's much more likely that they are home weekends or are commuting. Anyway, I failed at saying goodbye. My daughters still live at home.:eek-2:

They both commuted to colleges and they each went for 2 different programs, so they were in school a long time. DD2 lived away from home for 1 semester, and she texted several times a day. Then she wanted to come home every weekend, which just wasn't feasible as it was 2 hours each way. Finally I had to tell her she had to stay at her shared apt. until end of semester. It was a bad time for all of us.
 
Awww give it time, I’m sure he will start calling more often. The first few weeks of college they are so wrapped up in everything!
 
I call them daily , dont want to be "out of sight ,out of mind " .I want to share their daily lives .
 
lyra said:
I feel there are cultural differences between the US and Canada. Sort of. Where we live there is the greatest number of post secondary institutions in Canada. So we don't really just send our kids off at 18 and that's it. Lots do live away from home, but it's much more likely that they are home weekends or are commuting. Anyway, I failed at saying goodbye. My daughters still live at home.:eek-2:

They both commuted to colleges and they each went for 2 different programs, so they were in school a long time. DD2 lived away from home for 1 semester, and she texted several times a day. Then she wanted to come home every weekend, which just wasn't feasible as it was 2 hours each way. Finally I had to tell her she had to stay at her shared apt. until end of semester. It was a bad time for all of us.
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Actually my son Is only 1.5 hour away....but due to Covid, they are not allowed to come home on weekends. If they come home, they have to quarantine for 14 days. I don’t expect to see him until thanksgiving.
 
interesting to read different perspectives, my oldest is a high school senior & im dreading her moving out! I will miss her so much!
And she has never been away from home , so I don't know how she will do.
But I'm not kicking her out, she is welcome to stay next year during college/internship whatever.

Slightly off topic, does it feel weird to have adult kids? I sometimes still feel like a kid myself!
 
jaysonsmom said:
Actually my son Is only 1.5 hour away....but due to Covid, they are not allowed to come home on weekends. If they come home, they have to quarantine for 14 days. I don’t expect to see him until thanksgiving.
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That's very tough
 
My kids are still little but my MIL had a three day rule with my husband while he was in college. He would call to check in with her every three days just to touch base and assure her all was well.
 
Polabowla said:
interesting to read different perspectives, my oldest is a high school senior & im dreading her moving out! I will miss her so much!
And she has never been away from home , so I don't know how she will do.
But I'm not kicking her out, she is welcome to stay next year during college/internship whatever.

Slightly off topic, does it feel weird to have adult kids? I sometimes still feel like a kid myself!
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I still have a 16 year old at home, and I know I will lose it when she is off to college. We are closer than my son and I ever were. My son seems to be a guys guy....sports and video games were his main topics of conversation, that is probably why he has more
Stuff to talk about with my husband.

It is weird to have adult kids. Like you, I feel like a kid too. Both dh and I will be empty nesters before 50....which is somewhat young amongst our friends. I know I’m going to have to pick up some hobbies. Because my life revolved around my kids.
 
MrsBlue said:
I was lucky to hear from mine 2x per month. I managed to get him on a weekly schedule eventually but it did take a while. I was just as bad at that age so I figure my karmic debt has been paid lol
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Just spoke with my mom and she said it is karma! I came to the US for Uni, and my parents were in Germany at the time. She said she had a really tough time getting a hold of me I the days pre mobile phones.
She was worried sick all the time!
 
jaysonsmom said:
I still have a 16 year old at home, and I know I will lose it when she is off to college. We are closer than my son and I ever were. My son seems to be a guys guy....sports and video games were his main topics of conversation, that is probably why he has more
Stuff to talk about with my husband.

It is weird to have adult kids. Like you, I feel like a kid too. Both dh and I will be empty nesters before 50....which is somewhat young amongst our friends. I know I’m going to have to pick up some hobbies. Because my life revolved around my kids.
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Omg! I’m 46 and my one and only DD just graduated from college! So I was the only empty nester In my circle when i turned 42. It was pretty traumatic to send her off to college bc we were super close and none of my friends could relate! They all had kids in elementary school and envied my newfound freedom! And the older friends were just glad their kids had finally moved out. But. The silver lining in this pandemic is that she is working from home until she moves to Chicago. Ugh. Im dreading that goodbye. I’m so spoiled now. To answer your question—she texted me daily and talked daily. FaceTime once a week. We are still very close and calls were all of 2 minutes just to hear her voice. I’m sure you will have the same experience with your DD! For your son, Just be glad that he is thriving and doesn’t have time to talk to you! That means you did a great job! And that he’s having a blast!
 
I'm going to be 40 in a few months.... how?! 40 used to be so old to me & now suddenly it's not lol.
No empty nest for a looong time, my youngest is 6!
 
From the perspective of the kid - my mom had a lot of difficulty disengaging from me as well when I moved out (at 18)! She would get really upset if she didn’t talk to me everyday at length. I found it difficult to manage at first because I needed to set up my life and between school (a very time intensive and competitive program), work (I worked part time throughout college to build my CV and make some money), friends, extracurriculars, housework and time difference (I moved to another country) it was hard at first to adjust. Eventually I fell into a rhythm and she revised her expectations to “call me everyday or almost everyday, just to say hi for 5 mins, unless you’re exceptionally busy, and let’s aim for a longer catch up every week or ten days at a minimum.” That worked very well for us and because she gave me some space I felt the urge to talk to her more! Now as a full fledged adult I have way more time on my hands than I ever did in college and I call her everyday for at least 15-20mins :)
 
jaysonsmom said:
Actually my son Is only 1.5 hour away....but due to Covid, they are not allowed to come home on weekends. If they come home, they have to quarantine for 14 days. I don’t expect to see him until thanksgiving.
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Oh dammit, the COVID-19 "new normal" is definitely compounding what would be a "new normal" for you under ordinary circumstances.

Would he be expected to quarantine if you visited him there? I wasn't surprised by the lack of phone calls when my son went off to college because he was not (still isn't) much of a phone person, but I did think I'd get emails and/or texts from him -- even those were few and far between.

I realized that he was, however, super chatty with me in person, So every 4-6 weeks, I would drive down to his college town (a 75-90-minute drive) and take him out to brunch or early dinner, usually accompanied by some light grocery shopping and/or exploring the area. Sometimes he would ask if he could invite one or more friends; I always said Sure & it was interesting-fun to meet his friends. But he generally seemed to prefer having one-on-one time with me (his dad and I were divorced).

That MO wouldn't have been an option had he decided to go to McGill U. in Montreal, 6+hours from NYC. Think I might have been reaching out to the Canadian Royal Mounted Police to do a wellbeing check on him!

Empty-nesting was an easier transition for me than many parents because my son went to a high school in Manhattan that was more than an hour's commute each way via public transportation from our home in one of the outer boroughs. With extracurricular activities and new friends in "the City," plus spending time at his dad's place, I didn't see him nearly as much during his high school years as would have been the case had he gone to our local high school.

Still, I did keenly miss his presence at first. So I'm really hoping that you don't feel estranged from him for long!!
 
jaysonsmom said:
To preface this, I have an 18 year old son who just moved to college last week. I miss him so much, and I'm trying my damn hardest not to text, call, facetime. My hubby and my daughter have essentially banned me from reaching out to him because they feel that I need to let him spread his wings and fly....I'm essentially dying inside because I miss him so much! Anyways, he is only 18, and first time living away so I'm trying to respect his space. So, I'm just curious as to other's who have adult kids.....how often do you talk to them?
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I haven’t read all the replies but @jaysonsmom I feel for you! I’m in the same position as my 18 year old went to university about 4 weeks ago. We have heard from him intermittently, he doesn’t answer texts straight away and occasionally doesn’t answer if we call. He also had Covid, which was awful as he had to self isolate and we couldn’t even go to see him! He’s only 50 miles away but in a way I am glad- when I went to uni I went home every weekend, mum did my washing and so on, I quite like that he’s being independent. That was my job as a parent, to prepare him for life away from me and I’m very happy that he seems to be coping.
 
When DS left home for good he was early 20’s and we didn’t hear from him very often, he was too busy working and enjoying himself. It’s hard to let go, but honestly, just give him space, he’ll be in touch. I think part of it is “I’m an adult, I don’t need to be checking in all the time, I’m doing well on my own”.

My DS is 37 now, lives in the U.S. and we haven’t seen him since 29th December 2019, and no idea when we’re going to be able to see again with Covid and the travel restrictions. He FaceTimes 2 or 3 times a week, daily when things were worse. I don’t know if it’s different with girls, but we’ve found it best not to bug him if we don’t hear from him for a couple of days.
 
I just want to say: guaranteed my dad didn’t call his mom on the regular when he was a young man. But in his 40’s and 50’s he called her every day on his way home from work.

So these things can change over the years :)
 
I feel for you @jaysonsmom ! There’s loads of sage advice and perspectives here already and everyone’s different, but I feel the ‘leave it largely to him to make contact but make sure he knows you’re there for unconditional support’ camp is best (to me anyway) in the long-term.

The comments above are true - he’s busy making new friends and growing into a man and might temporarily loosen your bond, but he’ll come good. Thinking around the text message issue, could you send an occasional treat like a box of doughnuts for him to share with friends? Just small, infrequent shows that you’re thinking of him without him possibly interpreting it that you’re prying or trying to get too involved in his new life for his liking?

It’s a hard balancing act, I’m sure. It’s our job as parents to raise independent adults who can go out into the world with confidence. But equally the adage that you’re only as happy as your least happy child really holds true and I imagine it’s hard not to want to know them in the same way as when they’re living with you so you can protect and help them. I’ve got a few years yet, but I’m dreading the stage you’re currently in and having to work out a new normal! Let us know how it pans out.

(ETA - this is assuming that your son is living in a university hall or flat share and therefore there are people around to alert someone if he were to have an accident/go missing or become emotionally upset. If he’s living by himself, especially at 18, I’d be more pushy in demanding regular contact just to confirm that he’s ok.)
 
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So if it's OK I will share my perspective from the other side. When I went to college (I was 16 about to turn 17) it was my first time away from my parents and I spoke to my mom daily.

Now maybe it's different for sons vs daughters but I think it just depends on your relationship and how often both parties agree to talk. It was sometimes only a hi mom how are you talk to you later type of call and other times a bit chattier. But yeah, I spoke to my mom every day. Of course we didn't have texting available in the 80s and that might have changed things. A quick text to say hey I'm OK would have gone a long way I think.

There is no one right or wrong answer. It just depends on the child and the parent and what works best for them. Is it a big deal to get a daily text if you ask your son to just let you know all is well with him? I don't think it is and hopefully he won't think it's a big deal. And a quick phone call just to say hey and touch base?

Sorry you are missing your son @jaysonsmom but remember this is part of growing up. You are doing a great job as a supportive momma and your son is learning to be an adult and take care of himself and learning how to navigate life. This is the goal of parenthood and you should be proud of how far he has come and what a great foundation you are giving your kids. They will always be your kids. You will always worry about them and be concerned for their well being. It is a lifetime job that doesn't end with higher education. Sending you good thougths and gentle hugs.


FWIW I still talk with my mom mom almost daily. Even if it's a quick call to say hi mom how are you and dad doing? We are OK. And sometimes it's a bit longer a conversation. But yeah I still talk to her almost every day and when my grandma was alive (may she RIP) I talked to her daily too. I miss my grandma and would give almost anything back to have her here to chat with daily. IDK it's not such a big deal picking up the phone to say hi. It didn't cramp my social life one iota when I was in college. Of course this is my perspective and my experience.



ETA: Just asked Greg and when he was in college he spoke to his mom once a week. Fo about 10 or 15 minutes each call. That worked well for them.
 
I remember when my mom made me promise to call once a week when I was in college. I had to do the same with my grandmother. We stuck to that in general. My father is not so much the conversationalist, 10-15 minutes...lol

All that to say is mom, you're going through it. As an adult I now understand what my mom went through!) but, he'll come around, he's just got to get his footing. Its a huge year of firsts for both of you.
 
In college I heard from the boys maybe once a week. My daughter called daily. Now as adults with kids I see the boys twice a week and I still hear from my daughter daily. It will be easier when they get married if you let them control when you hear from them now. You don’t want to be THAT MIL who couldn’t let go. He will reach out to you but right now it’s all super exciting and friends come first.
 
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