Bliss
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Apr 4, 2008
- Messages
- 3,016
Hello Ladies! How wonderful it is to see all of the beautiful newborns and the gorgeous bigger babies thriving. So beautiful!
Puppmom, hope you're doing well! I can totally relate to strain on marriages and will write about it below! HUGS to you - totally normal. Having a baby has activated my inner shrew! Where did laid back Bliss go? Poor DH takes too long to change a diaper and when M screams in protest, I have visions of pushing him into the Hudson! Isn't that horrible? And he has been so wonderful... so yep, flash frustrations come out of nowhere and I'm hoping it passes once the sleep deprivation wears off!
drk, your little one is so precious!!!! She is really thriving!!! So pretty!
Loves Vintage!!! I am so sorry about your little one! I hope your baby feels better ASAP! You've gotten some great advice here and you are SUCH A SMART MOMMY I know you will make your angel feel as comfy as possible through this cold! Naughty cold! Go away!
Noelwr!!! How is Skye? Gosh, she is so gorgeous. She is a pretty pretty girl like mama! So glad you are doing well, too.
Meresal, your little guy is so cute. Melts my heart. I took notes when you gave LV advice and am armed if M gets a cold now!
Lanie! Crazy Mom Syndome? Sign me up! Hahahaha. I have the biggest fear of SIDS and will often poke my head near hers to hear her breathing throughout the night. Sometimes I let her sleep with me and when I don't and wake up without her next to me, I panic for a moment and search the sheets thinking she might be buried in there! Ha! It would never happen in reality because when she sleeps next to me, I sleep with one eye open. One weird sounding breath and I'm awake like I took a hit of espresso in my veins!
Hello Cara! Wow, so many people love the Nose Frieda! Gotta get one! Is it gross that I get SO much satisfaction extracting nose boogies from M? They are so long and they just keep coming and coming sometimes. It's just such a relief to be able to SEE results. And she feels so much better after I get her "boogies" out!
MARA!!!! Thank you for the amazingly kind words in the Preggo thread! I have really gotten so much good advice from you and the other smartie moms here like Pandora... I really feel indebted to you ladies for all the recommendations and support over the years. Oh and I totally can't watch suspense/thrillers anymore. Too violent now! And I used to love watching true crime movies or thrillers - not gore but now any violence turns me off completely. I guess we're a family channel group now in our house!
Hudson, sorry you're feeling down. I feel ya, sister! Something about motherhood really brings out the emotions and hormones! Little Aiden is so wonderful... I hope you and DH bond even more over all of this. It may seem endless now, but you will find your way through to the other side and be better for it. And the love will rekindle all over again... I am seeing so much more of the human side of parenthood. It is so humbling!
Something Shiny, the voice of reason! I loved reading your beautiful post on how motherhood changes us as human beings and how it transforms marriages, even through the tough times. Sing it, sista! Oh Lily is gorgeous!!!! I agree and have always thought she resembled Maggie! But Lily is prettier! Those big blue eyes! She is a doll baby and one of the prettiest I have ever seen!
FELICITY! Hello mystery sister! Thank you so much for the kind words and support! We're rooting for you, too! YAY for a fresh start!!!! I love Cinderella so that avatar ROCKS! Bippity Boppity Boo!
lliang_chi - hello! You are so awesome over in the other threads it's nice to see you here, too!
SKIPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT LONG NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So excited for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are beautiful, mama!!!!!
AllieLuv, big hugs! Glad to see you are doing well! Isn't it the truth about how life changes once a baby comes?
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OK... so I have to be completely honest when it comes to BlissWorld. IT HAS BEEN PURE HELL! The first 4 weeks were the worst I have ever been through and that is no lie! LOL... I honestly had no idea what to expect when we brought our little angel home. I thought, "OK... We'll be a little tired but we've got this covered. Sleep when she sleeps. Check. Lactation consultant. Check. All the baby stuff. Check." We thought we were prepared! But oh my LORD... nothing could have prepared us for the reality of what was in store for us when M came home. We'd read every baby book, consulted with experts...I even had my mom stay for 5 weeks! STILL...I was knocked flat on my face and saw just how much is out of my control in life! OMG OMG OMG!
Firstly, M came home like a little angel. The first week or so, she was perfect. Slept and woke every 2-3 hours for nursing and a change. We thought, "Wow! We have a perfect baby!" Ha! HA!!! Then the next week or so, everything went to Hades! She became totally nocturnal. Wanted to play all night long and would not go to bed. Would wake up and scream every time I inched toward the bassinet like a cat burglar. It's like she had laser sensors that I tripped when I'd get near her bassinet...No, she would ONLY sleep in my arms. And I had to be in MOTION... I couldn't sit and hold her...that would be too easy! Nope, I had to WALK constantly for her to be appeased. I wore down the hardwood floors in our home pacing countless times at night. My wrists felt like they were on fire. That is, until my mom held her for marathon hours and magically calmed her down. Maybe it was the smell of my delicious milk or something but she was so excited in my arms she would wiggle and squirm most of the time... and then let out a wail that would break my heart into a million pieces. It was NON STOP!
Wow, what a vicious cycle! I'd go hours doing non-stop feedings and changes. She'd scream so I'd breastfeed her. Then she'd pee or poop immediately, sometimes during nursing. Back to the changing table. Scream. Then comfort nursing. Then pee again. Then scream. Then comfort nursing. Then pee/poo again. Literally, sometimes I'd have to change her 5 times in an hour! And she haaaaaated being changed! Thank goodness it's her happy place now, but the first 4 weeks probably took YEARS off of my life! LOLOLOL.... YEARS!!!! Oh, and she loves the Tummy Tub but the calming effects are negated by the fact that she hates being changed into new outfits. So calm baby turns into red faced screaming baby when I change her. She calms down as quickly as a storm comes and goes... but I swear, her cries paralyze me! It's like a five alarm fire in my central nervous system! DING DING DING!!!! BABY CRYING!!!!! DING DING DING!!!!! FIRE FIRE FIRE!!! DING DING DING! BABY CRYING!!!! Holy cannoli.
When night would fall, she'd turn fussy. For some reason, she fusses between 5-6pm for about 30 minutes. But I'd start dreading the nights because my torment would begin anew. Literally, I would break out into a sweat when it started to get dark..knowing what was coming. I remember watching Dog Whisperer and seeing how animals can sense hesitation and fear. So I would try to meditate and breathe to cleanse myself of any anxiety, thinking little M would pick up on it. Things started to get better and better. But oh, the first 4 weeks I had visions of putting on my coat, taking a taxi to the airport and never ever coming back! I swear, I really thought I would not be able make it. I'd send long rambling e-mails to my friends begging for advice... I'd sob on my mom's shoulder or on DH telling him I was not cut out for parenthood... I was so tired, so drained and felt SO helpless. Because neither DH nor my mom had boobs, they were rendered essentially USELESS! BF'ing is such a HUUUUUGE commitment!
I remember watching Teen Mom on MTV and wondering why the heck the teens never breastfed. I figured they were always poor (couldn't even afford diapers in some cases) so wouldn't breastfeeding make perfect sense? NOW I SEE WHY!!!! How in the world could you expect a teen to breastfeed? It's a non-stop job! You have to be at baby's beck and call sometimes every 45 minutes...24 hours a day...it is such a tremendous labor of love! I used to always wonder why people with fewer resources used formula since you'd figure bf'ing was easiest and free...Ummm... how naive was I? Firstly, a woman has to have a LOT of support to breastfeed. Help with housework, cooking, errands, baby care... no woman is an island! I can't imagine having a full time job and breastfeeding. It would be impossible or very very hard. My hat and heart go out to the strong and amazing women who can do this. It also makes me wonder what the heck is wrong with our country in that there isn't enough support for new moms. I have everything I want and need at my disposal and I'm STILL struggling. I look at all the women working those tough jobs with no benefits and it makes me furious that because they don't get maternity leave or support to breastfeed. If I didn't have support or resources to do so, it would be impossible for me to do so. And it fills me with wonder that so many women still make it work. Women are flipping amazing. We just are. Amazing that everything she needs comes from my body and I can do this for her. It's so wonderful. And hard. Wonderful and hard!
And what is up with the guilt factor? Everywhere I turned, I was getting brochures and lectures about how amazing breastfeeding is for the baby. I KNOW THIS! But gosh, there were times when I was temped to go to formula because it was just so overwhelming and hard. And then I'd feel incredibly guilty because every article I pulled up would extol the virtues of breast milk and how it would protect baby, help it become smarter, prevent allergies and illnesses, stave off cancer later in life, fight obesity...OMG!!!! Even MIL would tell me that I was harming my baby if I subjected it to formula. YES, we know breast milk is best but formula isn't the devil either, people!!!!!!! Even now, I'm irked by the guilt factor society imposes on women. It's like an impossible hill we all have to climb or feel the failure of depriving our precious babies. Sigh.
Don't get me started on health care issues, either! DH and I have amazing health care coverage. We don't have a copay and can go to any doctor or specialist we want to an unlimited number of times. But it boggles my mind that in our country, people aren't able to do the same. The other week, we took M to the pediatrician 3 times due to spit up issues. Each time we called in, the doctor would apologize and say, "Sorry, I'm not trying to squeeze a copay out of you, I just want to see M for peace of mind." We'd respond with, "Are you kidding?! We WANT to come in and have M seen! What time???" When we got there, the pediatrician would say in this economy, many parents would actually plead or bargain with her over whether they could WAIT to bring in their babies...to see if things got better on their own?! Um, these are their babies that they carried for 9 months and are more important than anything in the world. And they're trying to bargain with the doctor over whether the baby can tough it out??? Just makes me mad!!!! What the heck is the matter with our country in that people can't afford to take their kids to the doctor?!?!?!?! Everyone should have the same rights!!! ARGH!!!!!
Keeps me up at night, I swear.
So back to my initial despair. LOL... It was pretty deep! Would I ever eat a hot meal again? Every time I would try to eat, M would want to nurse or be comforted. Thank GOD I had help but it was just so hard feeling so tied down all the time. I couldn't read, watch TV, eat or go to the bathroom without sweating in anxiety because any moment M would wake up and wail for me. Magazines piled up, my Kindle got dusty...any semblance of my former life drifted away. There were times I felt so alone, even though I was surrounded by support. Though I have to say, there is something magical about Grandmas because M would calm immediately in their arms. My mom stayed for 5 weeks and then MIL came for 2 weeks (and is still here!)... Because Grandmas were so amazing with M, I felt so useless at times! They would mercifully hold her during the day when I needed a break or to nap and I'd be with her all night long pacing, changing her and feeding her. If I didn't have them during the day, I don't know what I would have done. But it made me sad to see how she would instantly calm down in their arms, yet would squirm and protest in mine. Was it the smell of my milk? I have no idea and still don't!
Don't get me wrong...I know little M does love me. She snuggles into me at night & throws her little arm over my boob after nursing. Oh! It melts my heart!!! She smiles and coos at me now and it lifts me to the highest levels of earthly heaven! But it bothers me that I don't have the magical touch all the time the way Grandmas do! And I've tried everything - all types of slings and carriers, which she alternately loves and hates depending on the day. We tried throwing money at the issue - ordering three (THREE!) swings and countless baby gadgets, all of which failed to impress her. Lordy. Little M is just a high needs baby, I guess! After reading descriptions of colic, I'm intensely grateful that she's not a colicky infant but it's still so tough all the same. I don't know how single moms do it. I have a ton of help but even then, I feel so overwhelmed at times.
The first 5 weeks, I didn't wash a dish or clean a thing. All I did was rest and nurse. And I don't plan on changing that until I have things under control. So everyone else does the housework, cooking, cleaning and errands. And even then, it still gets overwhelming! What is the matter with me? The lack of sleep at night was crippling! DH is insanely awesome. He totally gets how hard it is and has taken over all the cleaning and errands in the house. MIL keeps our kitchen and bathrooms spotless. She cooks, he shops for groceries and etc. They do everything. All I have to do is nurse and rest. So why is this still SO HARD???!!!! I think mentally, it's so rough because I feel so out of control. For the first time, I cannot "fix" the situation - meaning, I cannot always comfort my precious baby. Sometimes she will cry and it will feel like my heart is being ripped out and my nails are being yanked out but I'm just going to have to bear it. Oh Lordy. It's so hard. I'm used to fixing things and now, I have to go with HER flow. I can't change her, I have to change myself. Wow.
Now to the emergence of the shrew... I have always been really laid back with DH. He's the one who is totally organized and in charge. Well, now - I am totally type A! As wonderful as he is, I find myself being irritated with him over the smallest most insignificant things. For example, we actually had a heated argument over whether M's diaper was on too tight or not. Really? Really! I thought it was on too tight and he didn't. But it was astonishing how bitterly I fought over this smallest of details - and that's when I started to realize that I was on the hormonal roller coaster. So unlike me! It shocked me how irritated I'd get with DH over how long he took to change M, how many wipes he used per change (100+ wipes), the inadvertent noise he'd make in the morning and wake her up and etc. Suddenly, my adorable hero husband was ANNOYING me! And the kicker is, he wasn't doing anything wrong! He was helping out in every way, showing me every morsel of compassion, bringing me treats, giving me every modicum of support...and yet he would inspire the most surprising flashes of annoyance from the murkiest (and sleep deprived corners) of my being. I felt SO sorry for him! Yep, this shrew would not be tamed..not without sleep!
It's just been...harder than I ever thought it could be. Maybe I'm used to a very easy life. Or maybe it's the hormones and sleep deprivation! But it is HAAAARD! As I sit filing little M's fingernails with the caution of the LA bomb squad detonating an explosive...squinting as I try to file down the smallest fingernail in the world, no bigger than a sesame seed... I wonder at the scores of mothers and fathers who have sacrificed so much and laid their lives down for these tiny beings. I would fight a bear with my bare hands to protect my baby. It's astonishing how important she has become in our world. She can inspire the most heavenly and perfect love - and the smallest of her unhappiness can plunge us into the depths of misery. It's incredible!!!
So... after about 4 weeks... we figured out the cause of M's fussiness. It's kind of funny in a way. And it shows that we must always be careful of what we wish for - yep, God has a sense of humor, I know this for a fact. So after 3 days of praying for milk after giving birth, I got more milk than I know what to do with. I have oversupply issues and a forceful letdown, which means little M is always trying to drink out of a fire hydrant of milk. And this causes her to gulp air and gives her gas, which causes crying and fussiness. Too much skim milk (foremilk), not enough cheesecake (hindmilk) otherwise, leading to gassiness without the nice fatty rich dessert at the end. Lordy. So this is why my angel has been so fussy. Now we're working on it by expressing a little before feedings, burping during feedings and letting her finish one breast (even if it means 3 feedings per boob!)... Lovely! If anyone has any further suggestions, I would be eternally grateful. I remember reading that Mylicon drops worked well - does anyone still use them?
So these have been my adventures to the dark side and back! Sorry I went MIA... I was a drowning woman and couldn't post to save my life! How do you ladies do it??? I was thinking the other day, we need to throw single mothers a parade every day. How do they do it? How do people with far less resources do it???? All over the world? For centuries???? I was also thinking how sad it would be not to be able to share this with a partner. Seeing DH light up in ecstasies over the little things M does...seeing him run to get the camera... seeing him hold her and coo...watching him stare at her in awe...reading his e-mails from work begging me to send him photos of M...hearing him go on about how amazing she is...just feeds my soul. I can't imagine now being able to share this with someone equally enamored with her. She's ours. We belong to her. It's incredible. So much love centered around this tiny little body... as I look at her and explode in love, I realize that I would do this all over again with no hesitation just to be able to look at her in this way. So yes, it's insanely hard...it turned me into a shrew for a time, but it is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
The other day, DH brought me into the living room and surprised me with a slideshow of M he'd put to music. It was SO beautiful!!!!!!! We cried together while holding each other on the couch watching it. Holding hands. This is our life. Don't let it pass us by without savoring every single moment. Ahhh, the photos went through her newborn phase and it just...touched my heart how fast things are going. Yep, I know I'm going to blink and miss it if I'm not careful. I know I'll even miss those dark nights sweating it out with my precious girl. Just the two of us. Heck, I even miss being pregnant, which is a thing I thought I would NEVER say! It's amazing how she changes every single day. Her little hands and feet. Her tiny face. Her soft downy head that smells like an angel. This is beauty in its truest form! The magical moment when she was put into my arms. The progression of her getting to know the world. Her little eyes looking into ours. Oh, oh and OH...how lovely is a baby from head to toe!!!!!! There is nothing more beautiful, is there?
Anyway... DH is already talking about #2 now. Uhhh...yeah.
Pssst!
(((If you need me - I'll be hiding under the bed with M! Shhhh, don't tell him!!!!!! Just cough twice if you need me for anything and I'll come out. Don't tell DH!!!!)))
Puppmom, hope you're doing well! I can totally relate to strain on marriages and will write about it below! HUGS to you - totally normal. Having a baby has activated my inner shrew! Where did laid back Bliss go? Poor DH takes too long to change a diaper and when M screams in protest, I have visions of pushing him into the Hudson! Isn't that horrible? And he has been so wonderful... so yep, flash frustrations come out of nowhere and I'm hoping it passes once the sleep deprivation wears off!
drk, your little one is so precious!!!! She is really thriving!!! So pretty!
Loves Vintage!!! I am so sorry about your little one! I hope your baby feels better ASAP! You've gotten some great advice here and you are SUCH A SMART MOMMY I know you will make your angel feel as comfy as possible through this cold! Naughty cold! Go away!
Noelwr!!! How is Skye? Gosh, she is so gorgeous. She is a pretty pretty girl like mama! So glad you are doing well, too.
Meresal, your little guy is so cute. Melts my heart. I took notes when you gave LV advice and am armed if M gets a cold now!
Lanie! Crazy Mom Syndome? Sign me up! Hahahaha. I have the biggest fear of SIDS and will often poke my head near hers to hear her breathing throughout the night. Sometimes I let her sleep with me and when I don't and wake up without her next to me, I panic for a moment and search the sheets thinking she might be buried in there! Ha! It would never happen in reality because when she sleeps next to me, I sleep with one eye open. One weird sounding breath and I'm awake like I took a hit of espresso in my veins!
Hello Cara! Wow, so many people love the Nose Frieda! Gotta get one! Is it gross that I get SO much satisfaction extracting nose boogies from M? They are so long and they just keep coming and coming sometimes. It's just such a relief to be able to SEE results. And she feels so much better after I get her "boogies" out!
MARA!!!! Thank you for the amazingly kind words in the Preggo thread! I have really gotten so much good advice from you and the other smartie moms here like Pandora... I really feel indebted to you ladies for all the recommendations and support over the years. Oh and I totally can't watch suspense/thrillers anymore. Too violent now! And I used to love watching true crime movies or thrillers - not gore but now any violence turns me off completely. I guess we're a family channel group now in our house!
Hudson, sorry you're feeling down. I feel ya, sister! Something about motherhood really brings out the emotions and hormones! Little Aiden is so wonderful... I hope you and DH bond even more over all of this. It may seem endless now, but you will find your way through to the other side and be better for it. And the love will rekindle all over again... I am seeing so much more of the human side of parenthood. It is so humbling!
Something Shiny, the voice of reason! I loved reading your beautiful post on how motherhood changes us as human beings and how it transforms marriages, even through the tough times. Sing it, sista! Oh Lily is gorgeous!!!! I agree and have always thought she resembled Maggie! But Lily is prettier! Those big blue eyes! She is a doll baby and one of the prettiest I have ever seen!
FELICITY! Hello mystery sister! Thank you so much for the kind words and support! We're rooting for you, too! YAY for a fresh start!!!! I love Cinderella so that avatar ROCKS! Bippity Boppity Boo!
lliang_chi - hello! You are so awesome over in the other threads it's nice to see you here, too!
SKIPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT LONG NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So excited for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are beautiful, mama!!!!!
AllieLuv, big hugs! Glad to see you are doing well! Isn't it the truth about how life changes once a baby comes?
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OK... so I have to be completely honest when it comes to BlissWorld. IT HAS BEEN PURE HELL! The first 4 weeks were the worst I have ever been through and that is no lie! LOL... I honestly had no idea what to expect when we brought our little angel home. I thought, "OK... We'll be a little tired but we've got this covered. Sleep when she sleeps. Check. Lactation consultant. Check. All the baby stuff. Check." We thought we were prepared! But oh my LORD... nothing could have prepared us for the reality of what was in store for us when M came home. We'd read every baby book, consulted with experts...I even had my mom stay for 5 weeks! STILL...I was knocked flat on my face and saw just how much is out of my control in life! OMG OMG OMG!
Firstly, M came home like a little angel. The first week or so, she was perfect. Slept and woke every 2-3 hours for nursing and a change. We thought, "Wow! We have a perfect baby!" Ha! HA!!! Then the next week or so, everything went to Hades! She became totally nocturnal. Wanted to play all night long and would not go to bed. Would wake up and scream every time I inched toward the bassinet like a cat burglar. It's like she had laser sensors that I tripped when I'd get near her bassinet...No, she would ONLY sleep in my arms. And I had to be in MOTION... I couldn't sit and hold her...that would be too easy! Nope, I had to WALK constantly for her to be appeased. I wore down the hardwood floors in our home pacing countless times at night. My wrists felt like they were on fire. That is, until my mom held her for marathon hours and magically calmed her down. Maybe it was the smell of my delicious milk or something but she was so excited in my arms she would wiggle and squirm most of the time... and then let out a wail that would break my heart into a million pieces. It was NON STOP!
Wow, what a vicious cycle! I'd go hours doing non-stop feedings and changes. She'd scream so I'd breastfeed her. Then she'd pee or poop immediately, sometimes during nursing. Back to the changing table. Scream. Then comfort nursing. Then pee again. Then scream. Then comfort nursing. Then pee/poo again. Literally, sometimes I'd have to change her 5 times in an hour! And she haaaaaated being changed! Thank goodness it's her happy place now, but the first 4 weeks probably took YEARS off of my life! LOLOLOL.... YEARS!!!! Oh, and she loves the Tummy Tub but the calming effects are negated by the fact that she hates being changed into new outfits. So calm baby turns into red faced screaming baby when I change her. She calms down as quickly as a storm comes and goes... but I swear, her cries paralyze me! It's like a five alarm fire in my central nervous system! DING DING DING!!!! BABY CRYING!!!!! DING DING DING!!!!! FIRE FIRE FIRE!!! DING DING DING! BABY CRYING!!!! Holy cannoli.
When night would fall, she'd turn fussy. For some reason, she fusses between 5-6pm for about 30 minutes. But I'd start dreading the nights because my torment would begin anew. Literally, I would break out into a sweat when it started to get dark..knowing what was coming. I remember watching Dog Whisperer and seeing how animals can sense hesitation and fear. So I would try to meditate and breathe to cleanse myself of any anxiety, thinking little M would pick up on it. Things started to get better and better. But oh, the first 4 weeks I had visions of putting on my coat, taking a taxi to the airport and never ever coming back! I swear, I really thought I would not be able make it. I'd send long rambling e-mails to my friends begging for advice... I'd sob on my mom's shoulder or on DH telling him I was not cut out for parenthood... I was so tired, so drained and felt SO helpless. Because neither DH nor my mom had boobs, they were rendered essentially USELESS! BF'ing is such a HUUUUUGE commitment!
I remember watching Teen Mom on MTV and wondering why the heck the teens never breastfed. I figured they were always poor (couldn't even afford diapers in some cases) so wouldn't breastfeeding make perfect sense? NOW I SEE WHY!!!! How in the world could you expect a teen to breastfeed? It's a non-stop job! You have to be at baby's beck and call sometimes every 45 minutes...24 hours a day...it is such a tremendous labor of love! I used to always wonder why people with fewer resources used formula since you'd figure bf'ing was easiest and free...Ummm... how naive was I? Firstly, a woman has to have a LOT of support to breastfeed. Help with housework, cooking, errands, baby care... no woman is an island! I can't imagine having a full time job and breastfeeding. It would be impossible or very very hard. My hat and heart go out to the strong and amazing women who can do this. It also makes me wonder what the heck is wrong with our country in that there isn't enough support for new moms. I have everything I want and need at my disposal and I'm STILL struggling. I look at all the women working those tough jobs with no benefits and it makes me furious that because they don't get maternity leave or support to breastfeed. If I didn't have support or resources to do so, it would be impossible for me to do so. And it fills me with wonder that so many women still make it work. Women are flipping amazing. We just are. Amazing that everything she needs comes from my body and I can do this for her. It's so wonderful. And hard. Wonderful and hard!
And what is up with the guilt factor? Everywhere I turned, I was getting brochures and lectures about how amazing breastfeeding is for the baby. I KNOW THIS! But gosh, there were times when I was temped to go to formula because it was just so overwhelming and hard. And then I'd feel incredibly guilty because every article I pulled up would extol the virtues of breast milk and how it would protect baby, help it become smarter, prevent allergies and illnesses, stave off cancer later in life, fight obesity...OMG!!!! Even MIL would tell me that I was harming my baby if I subjected it to formula. YES, we know breast milk is best but formula isn't the devil either, people!!!!!!! Even now, I'm irked by the guilt factor society imposes on women. It's like an impossible hill we all have to climb or feel the failure of depriving our precious babies. Sigh.
Don't get me started on health care issues, either! DH and I have amazing health care coverage. We don't have a copay and can go to any doctor or specialist we want to an unlimited number of times. But it boggles my mind that in our country, people aren't able to do the same. The other week, we took M to the pediatrician 3 times due to spit up issues. Each time we called in, the doctor would apologize and say, "Sorry, I'm not trying to squeeze a copay out of you, I just want to see M for peace of mind." We'd respond with, "Are you kidding?! We WANT to come in and have M seen! What time???" When we got there, the pediatrician would say in this economy, many parents would actually plead or bargain with her over whether they could WAIT to bring in their babies...to see if things got better on their own?! Um, these are their babies that they carried for 9 months and are more important than anything in the world. And they're trying to bargain with the doctor over whether the baby can tough it out??? Just makes me mad!!!! What the heck is the matter with our country in that people can't afford to take their kids to the doctor?!?!?!?! Everyone should have the same rights!!! ARGH!!!!!
Keeps me up at night, I swear.So back to my initial despair. LOL... It was pretty deep! Would I ever eat a hot meal again? Every time I would try to eat, M would want to nurse or be comforted. Thank GOD I had help but it was just so hard feeling so tied down all the time. I couldn't read, watch TV, eat or go to the bathroom without sweating in anxiety because any moment M would wake up and wail for me. Magazines piled up, my Kindle got dusty...any semblance of my former life drifted away. There were times I felt so alone, even though I was surrounded by support. Though I have to say, there is something magical about Grandmas because M would calm immediately in their arms. My mom stayed for 5 weeks and then MIL came for 2 weeks (and is still here!)... Because Grandmas were so amazing with M, I felt so useless at times! They would mercifully hold her during the day when I needed a break or to nap and I'd be with her all night long pacing, changing her and feeding her. If I didn't have them during the day, I don't know what I would have done. But it made me sad to see how she would instantly calm down in their arms, yet would squirm and protest in mine. Was it the smell of my milk? I have no idea and still don't!
Don't get me wrong...I know little M does love me. She snuggles into me at night & throws her little arm over my boob after nursing. Oh! It melts my heart!!! She smiles and coos at me now and it lifts me to the highest levels of earthly heaven! But it bothers me that I don't have the magical touch all the time the way Grandmas do! And I've tried everything - all types of slings and carriers, which she alternately loves and hates depending on the day. We tried throwing money at the issue - ordering three (THREE!) swings and countless baby gadgets, all of which failed to impress her. Lordy. Little M is just a high needs baby, I guess! After reading descriptions of colic, I'm intensely grateful that she's not a colicky infant but it's still so tough all the same. I don't know how single moms do it. I have a ton of help but even then, I feel so overwhelmed at times.
The first 5 weeks, I didn't wash a dish or clean a thing. All I did was rest and nurse. And I don't plan on changing that until I have things under control. So everyone else does the housework, cooking, cleaning and errands. And even then, it still gets overwhelming! What is the matter with me? The lack of sleep at night was crippling! DH is insanely awesome. He totally gets how hard it is and has taken over all the cleaning and errands in the house. MIL keeps our kitchen and bathrooms spotless. She cooks, he shops for groceries and etc. They do everything. All I have to do is nurse and rest. So why is this still SO HARD???!!!! I think mentally, it's so rough because I feel so out of control. For the first time, I cannot "fix" the situation - meaning, I cannot always comfort my precious baby. Sometimes she will cry and it will feel like my heart is being ripped out and my nails are being yanked out but I'm just going to have to bear it. Oh Lordy. It's so hard. I'm used to fixing things and now, I have to go with HER flow. I can't change her, I have to change myself. Wow.
Now to the emergence of the shrew... I have always been really laid back with DH. He's the one who is totally organized and in charge. Well, now - I am totally type A! As wonderful as he is, I find myself being irritated with him over the smallest most insignificant things. For example, we actually had a heated argument over whether M's diaper was on too tight or not. Really? Really! I thought it was on too tight and he didn't. But it was astonishing how bitterly I fought over this smallest of details - and that's when I started to realize that I was on the hormonal roller coaster. So unlike me! It shocked me how irritated I'd get with DH over how long he took to change M, how many wipes he used per change (100+ wipes), the inadvertent noise he'd make in the morning and wake her up and etc. Suddenly, my adorable hero husband was ANNOYING me! And the kicker is, he wasn't doing anything wrong! He was helping out in every way, showing me every morsel of compassion, bringing me treats, giving me every modicum of support...and yet he would inspire the most surprising flashes of annoyance from the murkiest (and sleep deprived corners) of my being. I felt SO sorry for him! Yep, this shrew would not be tamed..not without sleep!
It's just been...harder than I ever thought it could be. Maybe I'm used to a very easy life. Or maybe it's the hormones and sleep deprivation! But it is HAAAARD! As I sit filing little M's fingernails with the caution of the LA bomb squad detonating an explosive...squinting as I try to file down the smallest fingernail in the world, no bigger than a sesame seed... I wonder at the scores of mothers and fathers who have sacrificed so much and laid their lives down for these tiny beings. I would fight a bear with my bare hands to protect my baby. It's astonishing how important she has become in our world. She can inspire the most heavenly and perfect love - and the smallest of her unhappiness can plunge us into the depths of misery. It's incredible!!!
So... after about 4 weeks... we figured out the cause of M's fussiness. It's kind of funny in a way. And it shows that we must always be careful of what we wish for - yep, God has a sense of humor, I know this for a fact. So after 3 days of praying for milk after giving birth, I got more milk than I know what to do with. I have oversupply issues and a forceful letdown, which means little M is always trying to drink out of a fire hydrant of milk. And this causes her to gulp air and gives her gas, which causes crying and fussiness. Too much skim milk (foremilk), not enough cheesecake (hindmilk) otherwise, leading to gassiness without the nice fatty rich dessert at the end. Lordy. So this is why my angel has been so fussy. Now we're working on it by expressing a little before feedings, burping during feedings and letting her finish one breast (even if it means 3 feedings per boob!)... Lovely! If anyone has any further suggestions, I would be eternally grateful. I remember reading that Mylicon drops worked well - does anyone still use them?
So these have been my adventures to the dark side and back! Sorry I went MIA... I was a drowning woman and couldn't post to save my life! How do you ladies do it??? I was thinking the other day, we need to throw single mothers a parade every day. How do they do it? How do people with far less resources do it???? All over the world? For centuries???? I was also thinking how sad it would be not to be able to share this with a partner. Seeing DH light up in ecstasies over the little things M does...seeing him run to get the camera... seeing him hold her and coo...watching him stare at her in awe...reading his e-mails from work begging me to send him photos of M...hearing him go on about how amazing she is...just feeds my soul. I can't imagine now being able to share this with someone equally enamored with her. She's ours. We belong to her. It's incredible. So much love centered around this tiny little body... as I look at her and explode in love, I realize that I would do this all over again with no hesitation just to be able to look at her in this way. So yes, it's insanely hard...it turned me into a shrew for a time, but it is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
The other day, DH brought me into the living room and surprised me with a slideshow of M he'd put to music. It was SO beautiful!!!!!!! We cried together while holding each other on the couch watching it. Holding hands. This is our life. Don't let it pass us by without savoring every single moment. Ahhh, the photos went through her newborn phase and it just...touched my heart how fast things are going. Yep, I know I'm going to blink and miss it if I'm not careful. I know I'll even miss those dark nights sweating it out with my precious girl. Just the two of us. Heck, I even miss being pregnant, which is a thing I thought I would NEVER say! It's amazing how she changes every single day. Her little hands and feet. Her tiny face. Her soft downy head that smells like an angel. This is beauty in its truest form! The magical moment when she was put into my arms. The progression of her getting to know the world. Her little eyes looking into ours. Oh, oh and OH...how lovely is a baby from head to toe!!!!!! There is nothing more beautiful, is there?
Anyway... DH is already talking about #2 now. Uhhh...yeah.
Pssst!
(((If you need me - I'll be hiding under the bed with M! Shhhh, don't tell him!!!!!! Just cough twice if you need me for anything and I'll come out. Don't tell DH!!!!)))
Here are my 2 faves:
Can't wait to see you over here on a more permanent basis. You'll be over here so soon! 
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