Proposing without ring (time pressure)

[makewayhomer]

Well, I ordered a loose diamond from an online vendor, it arrived today, and I'm not happy with it. I am spending a decent chunk ($10k) so this is unacceptable to me. I need to find a diamond I love.

my gf just turned 30, and we are going to Paris in 5 days. This trip was her Xmas present from me. We have talked about the future, and my guess is she is expecting a proposal when we are there.

the trouble is now timing. I stupidly procrastinated, didn't leave time for a bad diamond selection, and now I'm not sure there is time to find a suitable diamond/ring. I am going shopping tomorrow to some legit places, so there is a chance I will find something I love.

but what if I don't? given my circumstances, it ok to propose with an alternate/birthstone ring and go ring shopping with her afterwards?

the other alternative is to just be up front with her: tell her I planned to have a ring by now, but I haven't found one I liked, and the big question will be coming soon...

 

[kenny]

I'd propose with something like a band from a cigar, and just be honest about your procrastination.

Get ready for some flak.
I can see her not responding well to you not being ready for the most important moment in her life.
Then again she may find it endearing.

 

[RaiKai]

I think it is FINE to propose without a ring.

I did not have a ring with my proposal (other than the ring of a text message...ha!).

I would not give an alternate ring though...I would just ask her and share with her the story after..laugh about it...and then shop together. It can be fun looking together!

If it is really important that you propose with the ring...I would just again, be honest with her if you REALLY feel she expects it to happen on this trip and would be disappointed otherwise, and wait a little longer (assuming you don't find a ring in next couple days I guess!).

I do disagree with Kenny. I can't imagine someone who genuinely loves you and wants to be with you giving you flak for not having the ring...really...if someone was that rigid about things being done "perfectly" all the time it's going to be a LONG (not in the good way!) marriage!

And while a proposal is an exciting thing (for both of you!)....I would actually find it depressing if it was the most important thing in her life (gives me the image of this poor Cinderella sitting around just WAITING for the day all he dreams come true as someone "chooses" her out of all the other fair maidens in the kingdom!).

I think it is more important it is GENUINE and heartfelt. Ring or not.

 

[makewayhomer]

"..I would just ask her and share her the story after.."

yeah , I mean, is it really that bad to say:

"I bought a diamond, saw that I wasn''t happy with it, and this made my realize that buying a diamond is a complicated thing and it''s important that we both know we are going to be happy with it?"

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/21/2010 1:37:01 PM
Author: makewayhomer
''..I would just ask her and share her the story after..''


yeah , I mean, is it really that bad to say:


''I bought a diamond, saw that I wasn''t happy with it, and this made my realize that buying a diamond is a complicated thing and it''s important that we both know we are going to be happy with it?''

I don''t see anything "bad" about that!

 

[jaysonsmom]

I think it all depends on your girl, you know her best. Some girls have really high expectations on romance, and nothing their guy does is just right. I had a friend who made her BF propose 3x''s before she agreed to marry him because his proposals were not quite right.

My husband proposed to me spontaneously, after a great night out together, and we were giddy, and in love, and it was 4 months into dating. He did not have a ring, we popped open some wine, and bought a ring together the following weekend. I loved my spontaneous proposal, because it showed that it came as a surprise to him and to me, and it was genuine.

So YOU be the judge of how your girl would react, and see if you need to get a "stand-in" ring.

 

[mary poppins]

Date: 5/21/2010 1:37:01 PM
Author: makewayhomer
''..I would just ask her and share her the story after..''


yeah , I mean, is it really that bad to say:


''I bought a diamond, saw that I wasn''t happy with it, and this made my realize that buying a diamond is a complicated thing and it''s important that we both know we are going to be happy with it?''

I think that''s fine. She''ll be glad you made an effort/had good intentions and thrilled to know that you want to marry her. In may work out better this way, as she may have a certain shape of stone and type of ring she wants, and now she''ll be able to get exactly what she wants. In the meantime, after you propose without a ring, perhaps you two can find a much less expensive, temporary but symbolic ring while in Paris. Although it won''t be the actual engagement ring, she will have something on her finger and it will always be special because it''s from your memorable trip to Paris.

The kind people in the Rocky Talky forum of this site can help you find a great diamond.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/21/2010 2:05:48 PM
Author: jaysonsmom
I loved my spontaneous proposal, because it showed that it came as a surprise to him and to me, and it was genuine.

Ditto this.

But, I also agree that you know her best!

 

[Circe]

Date: 5/21/2010 1:10:46 PM
Author: kenny
I''d propose with something like a band from a cigar, and just be honest about your procrastination.


Get ready for some flak.

I can see her not responding well to you not being ready for the most important moment in her life.

Then again she may find it endearing.

No cigar band! And while I always advocate for honesty in relationships, I''d say that you''ll get (or lose) points for presentation.

Don''t focus on this as a "failure" - look at it as an opportunity. If you find something you love tomorrow, awesome (but don''t feel pressured to buy on the spot, don''t get anything uncertified, check out Lorelei''s cheat sheet on the numbers, and be prepared to have it appraised immediately - there''s nothing sadder than the guys who come on here AFTER the proposal, quailing at the prospect of taking their fiancee''s ring away so they can get their money''s worth).

If not, get something pretty - an eternity band would be my choice over a gemstone - and when you propose, tell her it''s important to you that you guys observe the moment, and that from this point forward, it''s important that you make all of your big decisions together. It''s romantic, and it''s fundamentally true, too (right?).

I think it''s lovely that you want to give your girlfriend the best in a diamond. Give her the best in the proposal, too - don''t start off by focusing on the negative!

 

[Circe]

Date: 5/21/2010 2:05:48 PM
Author: jaysonsmom
I think it all depends on your girl, you know her best. Some girls have really high expectations on romance, and nothing their guy does is just right. I had a friend who made her BF propose 3x''s before she agreed to marry him because his proposals were not quite right.

I''m wildly curious - how did that work, practically? Were all three times in one night? Was it a jokey sort of a call for a do-over, or ...?

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/21/2010 2:16:42 PM
Author: Circe

Date: 5/21/2010 1:10:46 PM

Author: kenny

I''d propose with something like a band from a cigar, and just be honest about your procrastination.



Get ready for some flak.


I can see her not responding well to you not being ready for the most important moment in her life.


Then again she may find it endearing.

No cigar band! And while I always advocate for honesty in relationships, I''d say that you''ll get (or lose) points for presentation.


Don''t focus on this as a ''failure'' - look at it as an opportunity. If you find something you love tomorrow, awesome (but don''t feel pressured to buy on the spot, don''t get anything uncertified, check out Lorelei''s cheat sheet on the numbers, and be prepared to have it appraised immediately - there''s nothing sadder than the guys who come on here AFTER the proposal, quailing at the prospect of taking their fiancee''s ring away so they can get their money''s worth).


If not, get something pretty - an eternity band would be my choice over a gemstone - and when you propose, tell her it''s important to you that you guys observe the moment, and that from this point forward, it''s important that you make all of your big decisions together. It''s romantic, and it''s fundamentally true, too (right?).


I think it''s lovely that you want to give your girlfriend the best in a diamond. Give her the best in the proposal, too - don''t start off by focusing on the negative!

Yes, it would be one thing if you had spontaneously decided to ask her and all that you had sitting around was a cigar band....I know a woman who still has the toothpick broken into a circle that she received.....but I would not plan it out that way! Yours is more planned than spontaneous.

And I totally agree with NOT focusing on the negative of this, at all! This really is not a negative situation....and it really IS an opportunity. It will still be very, very exciting.

 

[charbie]

i think you totally can make it a memorable experience without the ring.

i''m totally imagining you being at the Eiffel Tower, and being giddy and in love, and telling her that you want to spend the rest of your life with her, and you always imagined having the ring right then and there, but it didn''t work as planned. i think it would still be romantic, as long as when you find the ring, you give her a second proposal (wouldn''t have to be much...even just getting home from work and getting down on one knee).

i would accept a proposal without a ring.

 

[Regular Guy]

What city are you in?

 

[waterlilly]

If you don't find a ring, I would buy a plain gold (or whatever metal you plan the e-ring / wedding band to be made of) band to give her. This ring can be worn with almost any engagement ring or wedding band in the future and she'll no doubt have it forever never needing to repair it! A plain band can be worn at times when she does not want to wear the real E-ring she will be receiving, as a RHR, you name it. Don't use a silly prop, use something that she can wear happily forever on her right hand as a memory of that day.

Have it engraved with "will you marry me?" inside.

Then have lots of fun taking your time to find the perfect e-ring for/with her. I agree with what someone else said -- tell her this is a major decision, she'll be wearing the ring for the rest of her life and you want big decisions made by both of you - not just you, so you want her to have a say in the diamond ring.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Date: 5/21/2010 2:18:18 PM
Author: Circe

Date: 5/21/2010 2:05:48 PM
Author: jaysonsmom
I think it all depends on your girl, you know her best. Some girls have really high expectations on romance, and nothing their guy does is just right. I had a friend who made her BF propose 3x''s before she agreed to marry him because his proposals were not quite right.

I''m wildly curious - how did that work, practically? Were all three times in one night? Was it a jokey sort of a call for a do-over, or ...?

Noooooo....in fact my "friend" was such a terror about it, I''m surprised he still married her.
1X- he was so excited to propose after he purchased a ring while on a long trip, he got down on one knee in front of his family and her (they went to pick him up at the airport) she said it was too embarassing in front of the his family, and all the strangers. So she said no, and gave back the ring.
2X- they were on an amusement park ride, and when they got off the ride, he told her he wanted to give her the stars and the moon, in fact he "plucked a star from the sky, and present her with the sparkly. She told him he was so cheesy, and said no again.
3X-He did it while on a trip with her, in their private suite, and she finally said yes.....oh, and she MADE him wear a toupe at their wedding because she was embarassed by his baldness, and didn''t want her wedding pictures to be with a bald man!

 

[princesss]

Date: 5/21/2010 1:10:46 PM
Author: kenny
I''d propose with something like a band from a cigar, and just be honest about your procrastination.

Get ready for some flak.
I can see her not responding well to you not being ready for the most important moment in her life.
Then again she may find it endearing.

Hahahaha, I''d totally give my BF flak for this, Kenny! In a loving, teasing way, but it''d be a little frustrating. I mean, it''s an important moment, and it''s not like it''s going to be a spontaneous proposal - you''ve thought about this and planned when it should happen, but didn''t plan quite well enough or give yourself enough time in case things went wrong. In my relationship, lack of planning is a big frustration, so I don''t think it makes me a bad person if I''d be frustrated with this, or a person to be pitied, and neither should my BF in for being headed towards a "LONG" relationship (ouch, by the way, RaiKai - that stung like hell).

What I do think you can do is spin this - you did try, you did have it planned out, but it just wasn''t good enough for your amazing GF. So I''d tell her you were working on it, but nothing was perfect enough, and despite all your efforts (I''d personally count ordering it and not being happy with it a lot of effort compared to the average Zales buyer) it just wasn''t enough. But you still wanted a spectacular proposal, and something she''d always remember, and you knew Paris would be just that. I think most women would be thrilled to get engaged, and especially if she can now have a voice in what the ring looks like she might really like the way this has turned out. Great, romantic proposal AND a ring she is guaranteed to love? Sounds like a win-win situation to me.

Good luck with your proposal, btw! Paris is one of my favourite cities, you two will have a blast!

 

[Circe]

Date: 5/21/2010 2:38:58 PM
Author: jaysonsmom

Noooooo....in fact my ''friend'' was such a terror about it, I''m surprised he still married her.

1X- he was so excited to propose after he purchased a ring while on a long trip, he got down on one knee in front of his family and her (they went to pick him up at the airport) she said it was too embarassing in front of the his family, and all the strangers. So she said no, and gave back the ring.

2X- they were on an amusement park ride, and when they got off the ride, he told her he wanted to give her the stars and the moon, in fact he ''plucked a star from the sky, and present her with the sparkly. She told him he was so cheesy, and said no again.

3X-He did it while on a trip with her, in their private suite, and she finally said yes.....oh, and she MADE him wear a toupe at their wedding because she was embarassed by his baldness, and didn''t want her wedding pictures to be with a bald man!

You know, I''m usually the very first person to say that women should have a voice in how their engagement goes, to the point that I feel a little like a broken record when I am all gung-ho about it. And, I guess I can give her a pass on the being shy in front of people thing: some people have social phobias, fine. The 2nd proposal, though? WAY HARSH, Tai.

Dear OP: sorry for thread-jacking! I just had to know.

 

[waterlilly]

Also - I wouldn''t want to hear any excuses that indicated you "ran out of time". NO NO NO. Everyone wonders about what that moment will be like and if you indicate you dropped the ball because of last minute planning, therefore you are forced to have the moment without the ring - errr, I would not be happy.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Date: 5/21/2010 2:39:17 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 5/21/2010 1:10:46 PM
Author: kenny
I''d propose with something like a band from a cigar, and just be honest about your procrastination.

Get ready for some flak.
I can see her not responding well to you not being ready for the most important moment in her life.
Then again she may find it endearing.

Hahahaha, I''d totally give my BF flak for this, Kenny! In a loving, teasing way, but it''d be a little frustrating. I mean, it''s an important moment, and it''s not like it''s going to be a spontaneous proposal - you''ve thought about this and planned when it should happen, but didn''t plan quite well enough or give yourself enough time in case things went wrong. In my relationship, lack of planning is a big frustration, so I don''t think it makes me a bad person if I''d be frustrated with this, or a person to be pitied, and neither should my BF in for being headed towards a ''LONG'' relationship (ouch, by the way, RaiKai - that stung like hell).

What I do think you can do is spin this - you did try, you did have it planned out, but it just wasn''t good enough for your amazing GF. So I''d tell her you were working on it, but nothing was perfect enough, and despite all your efforts (I''d personally count ordering it and not being happy with it a lot of effort compared to the average Zales buyer) it just wasn''t enough. But you still wanted a spectacular proposal, and something she''d always remember, and you knew Paris would be just that. I think most women would be thrilled to get engaged, and especially if she can now have a voice in what the ring looks like she might really like the way this has turned out. Great, romantic proposal AND a ring she is guaranteed to love? Sounds like a win-win situation to me.

Good luck with your proposal, btw! Paris is one of my favourite cities, you two will have a blast!

Well, there you go Makewayhomer! You see we have PS ladies on both ends of the spectrum, only you can see what type of girl your GF is. I think a band with our without diamonds is a great idea.

 

[makewayhomer]

thanks all.

I'm in Boston, so have some good places to check out tomorrow. will go to Long's and a couple places in the jewelers building.

I have a good idea what I want and what it should cost (at least from Blue Nile, I will have a print out of all GIA, I, Si1, Ideal, diamonds currently at Blue Nile and what they cost). I don't expect to pay this price, but if I can negotiate something close on something I love I will do it

I know Blue Nile isn't a loved merchant around here and I know why. but they do have a good benchmark of prices and should put me in a good negotiating position, at least on price. of course its most critical they have something I love.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Something else just popped into my head...I guess for some of us a proposal or a wedding is just one day. Marriage is a lifetime, so I don''t sweat the small stuff.

Jaysonsmom=Anti-Bridezilla

 

[E B]

What didn''t you like about the diamond?

If you don''t find anything you love tomorrow, it might be worth a shot to contact some PS vendors with in-house stones to see if they could have it mounted and sent overnight. If so, you''d at least have the diamond in time, and in something she could wear until you two pick the final setting together.

 

[makewayhomer]

the rock I got is dull. no sparkle. I dunno, perhaps I am being hard on it, maybe the light in the bathroom where I looked at it was bad

I am going to take it with me tomorrow shopping so I can do eye tests vs some others. perhaps I have a change of heart once I see it compared to other stones side by side. at the very least I need to buy a ring and have it set (and at most buy a stone too), so jewelry stores should be happy to help me

 

[RaiKai]

princesss....it was nothing personal against you....or even against planning in general.
I do not think someone is a *bad person* for having feelings, whether they are of frustration or otherwise! Feelings are feelings. We each have our own feelings and reactions to things in life, and we each own our own feelings. Frustration for one will be joy for another...and neither is wrong.

It was more a reference to the reality that life - and marriage (and any relationship) - come with surprises. Indeed, life is what happens when you are making other plans. The only thing certain is uncertainty! Enough cliches! Anyway, if someone is INFLEXIBLE about those surprises and bumps....it is going to be a tough road ahead...for both people! Not because they are bad people....or wrong for feeling frustrated...but because life does require some flexibility to uncertainty or it is difficult otherwise.

I don't even think you sound inflexible. Just like someone who prefers things to be planned out. Obviously is has been a source of conflict and frustration for you in the past (the lack of planning or preparation). Perhaps that is why you saw my comment as painful (or stinging). That was not my intent, but I do understand how it may be viewed that way. However, even so, in this case, you said any flak would be loving and teasing. And, I imagine you would communicate your frustration...or disappointment...(not right then and there I imagine!)....but you would not shut the poor guy down as he hit a detour in his plans.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/21/2010 3:03:16 PM
Author: makewayhomer
the rock I got is dull. no sparkle. I dunno, perhaps I am being hard on it, maybe the light in the bathroom where I looked at it was bad


I am going to take it with me tomorrow shopping so I can do eye tests vs some others. perhaps I have a change of heart once I see it compared to other stones side by side. at the very least I need to buy a ring and have it set (and at most buy a stone too), so jewelry stores should be happy to help me

Even the best cut diamond is not going to be its best in all lights. I would look at it in more than your bathroom.

Where did you buy it? Did you post details about it anywhere?

 

[makewayhomer]

I bought it from Blue Nile

it is

1.52 Carat, ideal cut (GIA), Si1, H color, excellent symmetry, passed HCA with flying colors. perhaps I am being harsh, it will certainly help to do a side by side

 

[princesss]

Thanks for clarifying, RaiKai! I was a little hurt when I read that, but you know how it is - sometimes we just take things personally if they hit close to home, even if the situations we''re talking about are totally different. (And for the record, it probably wouldn''t even occur to me to give him flak about it for a few months, I''d be too excited to get married!)

TMH, I think you''ve got a great plan. Make sure you check this stone out under a variety of conditions to really be sure it''s the stone that''s no good and not the lighting. Also remember that jewelry stores use the lighting that best shows off their merchandise, and not the best lighting to know what you''ll get when you take it home, so be sure you can check out their stones in a lot of different lighting as well.

 

[lucyandroger]

Only you know your future fiancee well enough to know what she'd prefer.

If it were me (and assuming you've already talked marriage)...I would suggest taking her out to a very romantic dinner on the first night of the trip. Let her know that you very much want to spend the rest of your life with her, that you're working on the proposal, and when everything falls into place (which will be soon but not on this trip), she will get the proposal she's always dreamed of.

This way she knows the proposal won't happen on this trip but does not start to doubt you or your seriousness about moving to the next step. Plus you can take your time finding the right ring.

ETA - I suggest the very first night of the trip because otherwise she might spend the whole trip on an emotional rollercoaster of expecting the proposal and then getting disappointed when it doesn't come. Trust me I spent a week in Mexico like that!

 

[makewayhomer]

yes, the other option is to be up front and say something like "I just want you to know I wanted to get you a really big gift for this trip (wink wink)" but I''ve experienced some unforseen problems....rest assured it is coming as soon I find something I think you''ll really love".

the disaster scenario is her hoping I will pop the question and I don''t. I will definitely avoid that

 

[kenny]

Date: 5/21/2010 2:47:43 PM
Author: jaysonsmom

Date: 5/21/2010 2:39:17 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 5/21/2010 1:10:46 PM
Author: kenny
I'd propose with something like a band from a cigar, and just be honest about your procrastination.
Get ready for some flak.
I can see her not responding well to you not being ready for the most important moment in her life.
Then again she may find it endearing.

Hahahaha, I'd totally give my BF flak for this, Kenny! In a loving, teasing way, but it'd be a little frustrating. I mean, it's an important moment, and it's not like it's going to be a spontaneous proposal - you've thought about this and planned when it should happen, but didn't plan quite well enough or give yourself enough time in case things went wrong. In my relationship, lack of planning is a big frustration, so I don't think it makes me a bad person if I'd be frustrated with this, or a person to be pitied, and neither should my BF in for being headed towards a 'LONG' relationship (ouch, by the way, RaiKai - that stung like hell).
What I do think you can do is spin this - you did try, you did have it planned out, but it just wasn't good enough for your amazing GF. So I'd tell her you were working on it, but nothing was perfect enough, and despite all your efforts (I'd personally count ordering it and not being happy with it a lot of effort compared to the average Zales buyer) it just wasn't enough. But you still wanted a spectacular proposal, and something she'd always remember, and you knew Paris would be just that. I think most women would be thrilled to get engaged, and especially if she can now have a voice in what the ring looks like she might really like the way this has turned out. Great, romantic proposal AND a ring she is guaranteed to love? Sounds like a win-win situation to me.
Good luck with your proposal, btw! Paris is one of my favourite cities, you two will have a blast!

Well, there you go Makewayhomer! You see we have PS ladies on both ends of the spectrum, only you can see what type of girl your GF is. I think a band with our without diamonds is a great idea.

Uhm.