Promise Ring

[pookie]

My boyfriend and I are still kind-of young, and my dad doesn''t want us to be engaged yet. I really wanted some symbol or something that would show a commitment, so I really wanted a promise ring. I just mentioned something about promise rings being a nice symbol of a commitment or something like that to my boyfriend back a long time ago. So then this past summer he got this ring that''s supposed to be a promise ring. The problem is that he didn''t put any promise with it. The other problem is that it''s yellow gold, which I hate and had said that I don''t like, but I can live with that part. Anyway, we were just sitting there and he handed me this ring box and said something like, "It''s a promise ring. I thought you might want one." That was it. Now, months later, I''m still really upset about it. I''ve tried talking to him about how much it hurt that he couldn''t put any effort into it or anything. He didn''t really put effort into choosing it, just bought the cheapest one KMart (where he works) had, without thinking about what I might like. And then he didn''t try to come up with how to present it, or even what it could mean. So, the ring is meaningless to me and just reminds me of that day and other various not-so-good memories. I decided not to wear it any more. Does this make me a horrible person? I just can''t handle it. I''m dealing with depression as it is, and the ring just brought back more bad memories every time I would look down at my hand. I don''t know... Maybe I''m just picky.

 

[musey]

Date: 1/17/2007 9:32:59 PM
Author:pookie
He didn''t really put effort into choosing it, just bought the cheapest one KMart (where he works) had, without thinking about what I might like. And then he didn''t try to come up with how to present it, or even what it could mean. So, the ring is meaningless to me and just reminds me of that day and other various not-so-good memories.

How young is "kind of" young?

It doesn''t sound like your dad is the one keeping you from engagement. To me, your boyfriend''s behavior does not sound like a man who is ready for--or even considering--marriage. He didn''t take any of your preferences or emotions into consideration when selecting the ring or presenting it to you.

None of your feelings make you a horrible person, but the situation and both of your reactions speak volumes about the state of your relationship.

 

[pookie]

I'm 19. This whole promise ring thing did happen quite a while ago, but it just bugs me. My boyfriend asked for permission to propose and was told to wait. We have done a lot more talking since the promise ring thing and looked at rings and stuff. He says that he feels really bad about the promise ring thing and says that he really wants to do better with the proposal and stuff. But anyway... I feel bad for not wearing the ring he got me, but I hated wearing it, you know?

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Pookie...I''m sorry if I''m confusing you with someone else, but you''re in college right? If I remember your posts from a few months ago your boyfriend''s habits sounded less than stellar.

I''m sorry you''re not happy with your promise ring. It sounds like your guy bought a ring simply because you wanted one. I''m not sure what to say...but I think you need to take a step back and evaluate your relationship. Graduate and see where things go from there. Good luck!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 1/17/2007 9:59:34 PM
Author: pookie
I feel bad for not wearing the ring he got me, but I hated wearing it, you know?

Girls are so funny ... we want to blame ourselves for everything & hold ourselves to higher standards than we hold anyone else!

Lemmie get this straight ... it''s a "promise ring" given without any kind of promise ... chosen without any thought or consideration of what you might want ... and just handed over casually, like "here''s what you wanted" .... and YOU feel badly about not wearing it? You don''t have any obligation to wear a "promise ring" that isn''t representitive of anything? What if he got you ugly socks? Would you "feel bad" not wearing them everyday??

Here''s the deal - you can''t make stuff up & make people do what you want them to ... and you can''t make things mean things when they don''t mean anything. OF COURSE it wouldn''t be fun to wear ... it ISN''T what you wanted (and I don''t mean yellow gold).

If I were you - I wouldn''t rush into picking your life partner right now .. or promise anyone anything!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/17/2007 10:23:47 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 1/17/2007 9:59:34 PM
Author: pookie
I feel bad for not wearing the ring he got me, but I hated wearing it, you know?

Girls are so funny ... we want to blame ourselves for everything & hold ourselves to higher standards than we hold anyone else!

Lemmie get this straight ... it''s a ''promise ring'' given without any kind of promise ... chosen without any thought or consideration of what you might want ... and just handed over casually, like ''here''s what you wanted'' .... and YOU feel badly about not wearing it? You don''t have any obligation to wear a ''promise ring'' that isn''t representitive of anything? What if he got you ugly socks? Would you ''feel bad'' not wearing them everyday??

Here''s the deal - you can''t make stuff up & make people do what you want them to ... and you can''t make things mean things when they don''t mean anything. OF COURSE it wouldn''t be fun to wear ... it ISN''T what you wanted (and I don''t mean yellow gold).

If I were you - I wouldn''t rush into picking your life partner right now .. or promise anyone anything!

Ditto, well said Deco. You have a way of saying things with humor and are spot on.

 

[poptart]

Deco is right, Pookie. You have absolutely no reason to feel badly about a ring that he put pretty much no thought into. I really think that you need to reevaluate this relationship and take a step back. It sounds to me that you are more unhappy with HIM than you are with the ring. I went back and read your other posts and I really think that you just need to step back from this relationship for a while. You were unhappy then and you still seem to be unhappy. It''s not the REALLY the ring that''s making you feel this way.

*M*

 

[musey]

Date: 1/17/2007 9:59:34 PM
Author: pookie
I'm 19. This whole promise ring thing did happen quite a while ago, but it just bugs me. My boyfriend asked for permission to propose and was told to wait. We have done a lot more talking since the promise ring thing and looked at rings and stuff. He says that he feels really bad about the promise ring thing and says that he really wants to do better with the proposal and stuff. But anyway... I feel bad for not wearing the ring he got me, but I hated wearing it, you know?

I don't think that it qualifies as a promise ring if he didn't give it with a promise behind it. If he bought you a 1-carat diamond ring and just gave it to you, and said "happy birthday!" or something (no mention of it being an engagement ring or asking you to marry him), would you consider yourself engaged?

I would hope not!

Anyway, you should not feel bad about not wearing a piece of jewelry he gave you without any meaning behind it. It isn't a promise ring without the "promise" part, so your not wearing it is not symbolic of rejecting the non-promise. Don't feel bad for not wearing it!

However, like all the other posters, I do think there are bigger issues here than a non-promise ring!

ETA: One of the little emoticons provided should be a waving red flag.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 1/17/2007 10:29:05 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 1/17/2007 10:23:47 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 1/17/2007 9:59:34 PM
Author: pookie
I feel bad for not wearing the ring he got me, but I hated wearing it, you know?

Girls are so funny ... we want to blame ourselves for everything & hold ourselves to higher standards than we hold anyone else!

Lemmie get this straight ... it''s a ''promise ring'' given without any kind of promise ... chosen without any thought or consideration of what you might want ... and just handed over casually, like ''here''s what you wanted'' .... and YOU feel badly about not wearing it? You don''t have any obligation to wear a ''promise ring'' that isn''t representitive of anything? What if he got you ugly socks? Would you ''feel bad'' not wearing them everyday??

Here''s the deal - you can''t make stuff up & make people do what you want them to ... and you can''t make things mean things when they don''t mean anything. OF COURSE it wouldn''t be fun to wear ... it ISN''T what you wanted (and I don''t mean yellow gold).

If I were you - I wouldn''t rush into picking your life partner right now .. or promise anyone anything!

Ditto, well said Deco. You have a way of saying things with humor and are spot on.

Thritto what Deco said. She is a wise sage and you would be wise as well to listen to her sound and thoughtful advice.

 

[TravelingGal]

LOL Kimberly...Deco is much more attractive than what I imagine a "wise sage" to be. But she ain''t no dummy, that''s for sure...(even if she does watch reality shows)

**ducking**

Musey, here ya go. I''ve used this one once before on some thread here on PS...

 

[musey]

Yes, JUST WHAT I NEEDED! Now, if only it could be a thread label

haha

 

[pyramid]

I feel some here have been a bit hard on your boyfriend. It is a promise ring he said it was when he handed it to you. He is 19 years old, lots of boys, well in the UK where I am, do not know the romantic notions we girls have, does he have sisters? He was told not to propose so probably felt he could not make a big issue of the promise ring but thought you may like one. He may have chosen the yellow gold one or cheapest one, but he does work at Kmart and is not a business owner, he did the choosing and bought a promise ring because one day he thought oh maybe she would want one as we cannot get engaged. He was wanting to make you happy.

He probably thought of it as a spontaneous gift and it never dawned on him about whether he should check which colour of metal you would like. He just handed it to you, probably because he felt at his age a bit overwhelmed about giving a sentimental gift = maybe a bit shy, he didn''t want to make a fuss incase your parents felt it was really an engagement ring and he was going against their wishes (this may also be why he chose the cheaper one so that they would not think the two of you were secretly engaged but not letting on or something).

Oh and some men no matter what their age will never be into the romantic giving promises part when they give you a ring, they feel the giving of it and the meaning you should know is behind it is enough. I think us girls are brought up with too many fairy stories about romance and they are just fabricated and not what happens in the real world. Imagine if all girls had to pretend they loved motorbikes and were not interested at all in them, this must be what some guys are up against, pretending to be romantic and they don''t have that way with words although they do adore you and care about your wellbeing.

 

[pyramid]

Your boyfriend said it is a promise ring, he may not know he is expected to make promises in a speech to you. He may think the name given to the ring says it all i.e. he is serious about you and wants you to be together until the time is right to take it further. We do not have promise rings over here so I do not know what the expectations in the USA are but guys are basically the same the world over.

 

[anchor31]

What I said in your first thread still stands... Lots of things for you to think about in your situation, and a few red flags, too.

 

[pookie]

Well, he''s actually a little older than me, so a bit older than 19. The promise ring thing happened before he asked my dad''s permission to propose. The thing is that he had no idea what the promise ring was supposed to represent or anything. I tried asking him after that and he''d just say something like, "You know, I love you and stuff." He knew that he should have had some explanation since he''s given a promise ring before, and she (the ex) was upset that he didn''t explain that one, either.

About my old threads... He''s realized that he needs to give up some stuff so that he can save up to get an engagement ring someday, so we''re past that.

 

[MustangFan]

I see both sides of the story here.

But bottom line is well at least I believe you are not content and happy.
I think he had good intentions, but is a little immature to have not considered what you would want. This has nothing to do with age by the way.. sometimes it takes a long time for men to grow up and some don''t even grow up.

When I was 17 I got engaged the first time to a much older man and I pushed engagement after 18 months of dating, he told me to pick out what I wanted because he was never going to get it right, so I agreed and did it and felt really badly afterwards.

Recently I bought my boyfriend a poesy ring, which is his promise ring. I took some care in selecting it, it''s engraved in german and says "myn geunst" which is "my heat" in old german, but I didn''t make a stink presenting or spending a lot of money because a) he''s a dude b) it''s only a temporary thing. Actually from reading all these posts, I''m beginning to believe I didn''t do that right thing...

It is good to communicate you''re both definitely in the right direction. At 17 never told him it bothered me because I thought that I brought it on myself. The most important thing is that your feelings don''t lie and shouldn''t be ignored, you are not in the wrong to feel that way. Keep talking things through and maybe talk more serious talk (i''m only assuming youre in college and hopefully him too) closer to the end of college. At 17 I thought I was grown up, but college has shaped me a lot and travel etc. You start to change your standards and at 19 you are still being shaped, emotionally growing, who knows if both of you will grow together or grow at the same pace for that matter. I realised at 21 the man of my dreams at 16 was not the one for me. Please don''t take this the wrong way by thinking that because you are younger that we feel it''s not going to last. I heard plently of success stories... but even if you''ve been together 4 years through high school, the next 4 years is going to transform you even more, it''s a major influencial time college and the first couple years of work. This is only advice and normally people never take advice, they have to figure it out themselves, as everyone does.

 

[Beth07]

Pookie -

I have to tell you a story. When I was 19 I was dating a boy from a long ways away from my home and college. He was wonderful...or so I thought. We even talked about getting married (although everytime we did I got a little scared). Eventually I realized how much I needed to defend our relationship to my friends and family. I thought they were all ganging up on me. And what was worse, he was trying to tell me my parents had too much of a hold on me (he was 3 years older). I defiantly told him that if he were to make me choose between him and my family, he would ALWAYS lose. I realized after breaking things off with him (the stress our relationship but on all my other relationships, mom, dad, sister, friends was just too much) I realized how he was trying to control me, and never really did anything out of his way for me. He''d NEVER done ANYTHING to deserve me being so devoted to him and cripling my other relationships for him.

Well 2 months after I broke it off, I met THE ONE. We aren''t engaged yet (3 years later) but he''s looking at rings now. The thing is, I thought I knew who I''d be with, but things can change VERY quickly. I agree with the others here. You may be defensive of him against all these posts and I completely understand that, but your family, friends and even PS''s are outside the relationship and can form objective opinions. If we are all coming to the same conclusions that is no coincidence.

Best of luck Pookie!

 

[MustangFan]

Sorry Pookie,
I didn''t see your last e-mail.

"You know I love you and stuff?" That doesn''t sound to me that you are satisfied with that answer. I wouldn''t be either, it doesn''t sound like he''s ready for any serious kind of commitment, if he''s not even going to be serious when he talks. So, he''s between 20-25? or older than that? K-mart sounds like his chosen profession, if he has to given up, sell stuff to get you a better ring, doesn''t that also mean that he''s enable to provide for you in the sacrament of marriage? I''m only trying to fill in the details, I don''t know you both as people, but what do you friends think of your boyfriend? Sometimes it''s good to get an out of party perspective on people that know you both.

I was giving the guy some slack, but after your last post I''m not so sure...

 

[MustangFan]

Beth.
Sounds like the same guy I was engaged to at 17.

 

[shawee]

You kinda have to put yourself in his position. Maybe he isn''t ready and he only did it because you expected him to? Who brought up this whole promise ring idea? Was it you? Him? Also, us women tend to expect too much and when we do that, we only set ourselves up for failure. Also, ask yourself this... can he afford a nicer ring? I mean, you have to give him a little credit for trying. Not to your standards per se... but he did something.

My fiancee didn''t propose like others. It wasn''t a down on one knee kind of thing but since I know him so well... It didn''t bother me. It''s the meaning that counts. Hope this helps.

 

[pookie]

OK, some more information to make things clearer. My boyfriend and I are both in college. I''m 19, and he''s 20, almost 21. We are both graduating next year. He really is a good guy, but he''s just bad at putting thought into stuff like that. There were some posts asking what my friends think of him and everything. Everyone loves him--my friends and my family. When he asked for my father''s permission, my dad told him how much he likes him and what a good guy he thinks he is. My dad completely approves of us getting married someday, but he just thought we should wait a little while before getting engaged. There was something about my boyfriend making a career out of KMart, and that''s not the case. He just works at Kmart when he''s home from school. I mentioned that he realized he''d have to give some things up to save up for a ring. I mean that he''s not getting tickets for football and basketball games and stuff like that, and he''s trying to just spend his money more wisely. Um... What else? I don''t have a problem with the ring being the cheapest one KMart had. I wouldn''t want him to spend much. I just know that he didn''t put thought into it. He told me that he got on their website, saw one, thought it looked ok, and ordered it. And it''s ok that it''s yellow gold, even though I had told him before that I don''t like yellow gold. The problem for me was that I had been wanting him to show me in some way that he was really serious about our relationship, and the whole thing made him look even less serious about it.

 

[pookie]

Also, I know that the whole thing was done because he wanted to make me happy. I guess I just want to feel justified in not wearing the ring that''s bugged me so long. It just seems wrong for me to wear something so meaningless to me on my left ring finger. The ring doesn''t fit the other fingers on that hand, and my right hand is deformed, withou full fingers. Otherwise, I would probably just wear it on my right ring finger.

 

[decodelighted]

Pookie,
Nothing you''ve said in your latest posts makes me see things any differently. My advice above still stands. I agree you''re justified in not wanting to wear a "meaningless" (your word, not mine) ring on your left ring finger. If it doesn''t "feel right" it''s NOT right.

If you want to wear the ring your boyfriend got you - out of love for him, love of the ring or both ... you can have the ring re-sized .. and it doesn''t always cost $50 ... some jewelry quick fix places in malls or strip malls etc charge only $10, $20 bucks. People even get SILVER rings sized -- so it''s doable.

Good luck!

 

[musey]

Date: 1/18/2007 2:23:32 PM
Author: pookie
The problem for me was that I had been wanting him to show me in some way that he was really serious about our relationship, and the whole thing made him look even less serious about it.

If he already asked your dad for permission to marry you, how much more serious about the relationship can you get? Wasn't that him "showing you" that he was really serious?

It seems to me (from your most recent posts) that you're trying to justify things both to us and to yourself. Give in to whatever you're really feeling, otherwise you'll continue to mask it and things will never get resolved. The tone between your first post (depressed, crestfallen) and your most recent (defensive) tells me that you are unhappy with your relationship but, as I said, trying desperately to justify it.

This:

I just know that he didn't put thought into it. He told me that he got on their website, saw one, thought it looked ok, and ordered it. And it's ok that it's yellow gold, even though I had told him before that I don't like yellow gold.

Also worries me. If you told him specifically that you dislike yellow gold, and he got it anyway... I just don't know what to say about that. Maybe it's not a big deal to other people, but to me that's like my bf making me meekrob and liver pate and saying "but I thought it was your favorite!"

Maybe I'm getting a bit carried away, but it's still just my two cents.


ETA: If the only reason for posting on here really was to find out if you're justified in not wearing the ring... then, yes. You are. Don't wear it if you don't like it or don't like the meaning behind it (or lack thereof)!

 

[pookie]

He asked my dad for permission to propose after giving me the ring. He gave me the ring in August and talked to my father last month. I know now that he really is serious about it.

 

[pookie]

The yellow gold thing isn''t all that important. I had mentioned it to him, but it''s not like I told him extremely emphatically that I simply hate it or something like that. He''s clueless when it comes to jewelry, so I guess he just got what he saw because it looked pretty to him. It is pretty. I just don''t think that yellow gold looks that good with my skin tone, and it doesn''t match my other jewelry, which is all white.

 

[decodelighted]

Oh Pookie. You''re not really listening to any advice/input are you? You''re just nit-picking & defending & stuck in the teensiest details that 10 years from now won''t matter a whit and which, believe me, you''ll be laughing at yourself for EVER worrying about. Sigh.

 

[Bunnifer]

Date: 1/18/2007 3:24:13 PM
Author: decodelighted
Oh Pookie. You''re not really listening to any advice/input are you? You''re just nit-picking & defending & stuck in the teensiest details that 10 years from now won''t matter a whit and which, believe me, you''ll be laughing at yourself for EVER worrying about. Sigh.

 

[partyjewels]

You seem to have your mind made up on the rest of it, but if you don''t want to wear it just specificially on that finger, but still want to wear it somehow and don''t want to get it resized, and the right hand isn''t an option, maybe wear it on a chain around your neck instead kind of like a pendant?

Just a thought!

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/18/2007 3:24:13 PM
Author: decodelighted
Oh Pookie. You''re not really listening to any advice/input are you? You''re just nit-picking & defending & stuck in the teensiest details that 10 years from now won''t matter a whit and which, believe me, you''ll be laughing at yourself for EVER worrying about. Sigh.

I have to agree with you deco. Pookie, I think that the two of you should just enjoy dating now. I think that its too early for the two of you to be engaged. I think that the two of you should enjoy going out now and go to the games that your boyfriend wants to go to. If you both graduate soon, he can start saving for a ring when he''s working full time. Go out and have fun. I think that your dad is a very wise man to say hold on a while before you get engaged.