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Discussion in 'Family, Home & Health' started by Prana, Oct 21, 2012.
by Laila619 » Oct 23, 2012
by canuk-gal » Oct 23, 2012
This comment made me feel awful--I can't imagine how you felt! Gosh, just when you think you've heard everything insensitive....
by luvthemstrawberries » Oct 23, 2012
Just had to say that this is one fantastic thread... so good to know there are other sarcastic ladies out there with the same thoughts as me.
I haven't encountered too much rudeness yet, but it's good to be able to read this and be prepared for all the insensitivity that's apparently out there... sheesh.
by monarch64 » Oct 23, 2012
I think the most ******* thing anyone said to me was when I was getting coffee one morning when I was about 8.5 months pregnant. I gave up caffeine almost three years ago, and would drink the very occasional Coke or cup of coffee (mostly sugar and half and half) if I absolutely HAD to have an energy boost as I worked full time up until the day I went into labor. While I was putting sugar and half and half in my cup, this older man looked over as he was pouring his own coffee and said, "I hope you're drinking decaf, you wouldn't want to give that baby any caffeine!" (Or something very close to that.) I don't even remember my response. I was probably too shocked to say anything.
The other thing that used to drive me nuts was all the women who'd ask me if I was planning to get an epidural. "Get the drugs," they would say to me with wide-eyed, knowing expressions. Peer pressure doesn't end in high school.
I currently have an almost 5 month old, and the unsolicited advice is out of control. "Are you feeding her solids yet?" "She's teething--that's why she's fussing." "This is what I did with my babies." "We know this stuff, because we've already done it!" Congratulations, you're old. I'm really not sure why people feel the need to share these things with me; I don't think that I have the appearance of a struggling, young mom who knows absolutely nothing, plus I have a husband who is with us as much as possible and is always helping. Could it be these people are projecting a bit due to be disappointed in themselves and the mistakes they made raising their children?
Anyway, the comments didn't stop after the baby came. I expect they will continue as long as this kid and I are both on this planet. Can't wait for the college advice.
by Puppmom » Oct 23, 2012
Monarch, the same exact thing happened to me with coffee and it was an employee of the convenience store.
Good point - it will only get worse when the baby comes. My favorite was "You're STILL breastfeeding?"
by Laila619 » Oct 23, 2012
Gah, that one pisses me off too! I happily breastfed until 18 months, and it was like this huge taboo thing with my MIL.
by Puppmom » Oct 23, 2012
Laila, my mom was *grossed out* by breastmilk (her words) so it was VERY irritating!
I forgot a really good one. When I had DD, my aunt uncle came to visit us the day we got home from the hospital. When they knocked, I opened the door and my uncle said, "Whoah,are you sure there isn't another baby in there?" ...so not cool.
by Prana » Oct 23, 2012
missstepcut I'll never quite understand why people feel the need to offer their unsolicited advice. And it's never given objectively.
Laila YES! I forgot about those team green comments! I have been met with outright hostility when I tell people that we don't want to know. For the most part, people have been supportive and say that it's the best surprise there is. But others get downright angry! My mom has been super passive-aggressive about our decision not to find out. Her favorite thing to say is,"well, we would BUY more things for you, but since we don't KNOW, we'll have to wait until AFTER the baby is born." OK that's great! My SIL's sister was the worst. She basically was just all, "Oh no, that's not gonna work! You'll see, you won't be able to wait. You'll change your mind. We are just going to have to call your doctor and find out for you." But she's not a sarcastic person. She's invasive and rude at best, and very passive aggressive. She really rubs me the wrong way, preganant or not.
And DH and I would like more children, so just think of all the money we will save having gender neutral things!
Fiery Yeah, your ass was probably spilling over the sides of the toilet and you were probably having a hard time staying on the seat from all the grease dripping down from your hair and being so tired!
luvthemstrawberries I too, like all the cheeky ladies around this site.
Monarch I think you hit the nail on the head with your comment that a lot of unsolicited advice givers are projecting. And you're right, peer pressure definitely does not end with high school. I think that people need to justify their actions by pressing their views on other people, and so they can feel 'special' when others actually follow their advice.
puppmom Not sure where you're from, but views on breastfeeding in the States seems to vary quite a bit, and everyone has an opinion. Personally I don't care if you breastfeed til your child is 5...it's not my business and definitely not a topic that should even be up for discussion. It just is. And I hope your Aunt laid into your Uncle on the car ride home that day. That is not OK! Why would anyone think that is OK to say to someone? Even if he was just trying to be cute and tease you.
by Logan Sapphire » Oct 24, 2012
Thanks, ladies, for the show of support. As some of you might know, my sister and I were also adopted and one of my mom's friends also made a similar comment to my mom- about how glad I must be to have my own child. I guess this "friend" forgot that we were adopted, so it was like a double insult to both my mom and me!
Also, about moms and breastfeeding- my mom licked off some of my breastmilk that had leaked from a bottle onto her wrist. That grossed me out!
by Prana » Oct 24, 2012
by missrachelk » Oct 24, 2012
I was definitely the preggo to watch out for on a regular basis!
My favorite (not favorite) comment was from one of my mothers in law (double trouble with divorce and remarriage - I have to always remind myself that it's extra love for the baby, not just extra stress for me!!)
anyway, said lady is teeny tiny and insists that she gained like 16 pounds with one of her pregnancies.
So from about week 15 on every time we see her she asks how much weight I've gained. Every time I say PLENTY and change the subject. Lady is dense and always asks about 3-4 more times and I have to be blunt as I can be and say - we're not discussing my weight gain!
She gave me a few months without asking then started asking again at like 36 weeks - hello I've gained plenty can't you see my huge belly!?
Other than that I didn't have a ton of dumb comments. I actually escaped completely from having strangers try to touch me, no strangers ever tried it with me! I guess I gave off that keep away vibe!
by packrat » Oct 24, 2012
One of my Uncle's used his finger to make a pig snout w/his nose, called me Miss Piggy and oinked several times when I was like..5 months along. I was pleased. An Aunt and cousin (wife and daughter of that Uncle, no less) were walking out of Kmart as I was walking in, and they both stopped and jaws dropped and they were like "Holy cow you're fat!" And I was having a not very good day and had had it up to here w/the fat comments, so I ended up stomping my feet and screaming "I'm not ****ing fat I'm ****ing pregnant!" and storming off while everyone in the store stared at me. Had to have a C section w/our first since I wasn't progressing, and a family friend made the "scoff" sound and said "Oh, ha, yeah, took the easy way out eh? Couldn't handle the labor I see?" Um yeah hello? I'd rather be CUT OPEN than have my baby naturally, in the manner that has less complications and heals faster?
by Lavender_81 » Oct 24, 2012
I'm still very early in my first pregnancy (around 5 weeks), but already I see the kinds of *unhelpful* comments people can make.
Yesterday I was at my cardiologist's office and the nurse came in and took my weight and asked the reason for the visit. I explained why I was there and mentioned I recently found out I'm pregnant. She said, "Wow - are you sure you're ready to gain all that baby weight??" So I was kind of taken aback (is that really the FIRST thing that comes to someone's mind to ask?) but I said I'm just so happy to be pregnant I'll deal with the baby weight and I kinda laughed it off. Then she CONTINUES and says, "well, based on your weight, you'll probably end up being like 165-170 pounds by the end of it all!" She looks at my stomach as she puts the things on for an EKG, and KEEPS GOING! She says "look at that stomach - it's flat now, but you better get ready for it to get *really really* big!!"
Ahh, all I can do is laugh. But I have to say, I really am so shocked by some of the rude and insensitive comments people have received. I can't imagine ever even thinking of saying some of these things - what are people thinking??
by Prana » Oct 25, 2012
Missrachelk I find that a lot of people take pride in their low pregnancy weight gains, however, I don't like it when those people get judgy of others. Everyone's body responds differently, and it's not always a matter of self control vs. gluttony.
packratGeez. A lot of the things people have said on this thread have made me angry for them. I can't believe how rude those people are! And the comments about the c-section are equally as rude.
Lavender You'd think that people working in the medical field would have more tact, right?
I can remember being in the first trimester and having people (men) tell me that I was getting fat. How is that appropriate? I hadn't gained any weight, I believe I had actually lost a few, and I was so worried about how my body was going to respond to pregnancy. I really didn't like people commenting on my appearance. I hope that I can always remember this and how it feels when people say stupid stuff so I never say something so offensive to people.
Do you think people are born with no censor, or do you think that some people just lose tact as they age?
by iheartscience » Oct 25, 2012
Oh. My. God. I have no kids but I cannot believe what some people say. I was thinking back and nope, definitely have NEVER said anything listed here to a pregnant woman.
If I ever get preggo I'm quite sure I'm going to be the most aggro pregnant woman in the world and call out everyone who even looks at me funny. And if someone I didn't know well actually TOUCHED my stomach I would lose my mind. Although I have a feeling I'll give off a "do not even think about touching me" vibe since I never get hit on or even talked to by strangers, and I like to think I'm reasonably attractive and normal looking.
by Skippy123 » Oct 25, 2012
the worst thing I was told, not when I was preggo but right after giving birth someone had the nerve to message me on Facebook (this was a relative), "why, oh why are your babies preemies, what did you do that made you go into labor early?" Mind you, this was so worrisome for me to have the boys almost 10 weeks early but to be asked that!!! Beyond rude!!
Oh and another thing I almost forgot, was when I sent out Birth Announcements a relative had the nerve to tell my mom that I should of taken off my boys breathing tubes for the picture! people are beyond stupid sometimes!
by pavelover » Oct 25, 2012
Ah! I don't have anything to add but what an interesting thread. What in the heck are people thinking? I don't think it's that people lost tact as they get older I really feel that many see pregnancy as a time to really share their "knowledge" and opinions, whether it was asked for or not. Just unbelievable!
by Kunzite » Oct 26, 2012
Whaaaaaat!! That is awful Skippy!
by packrat » Oct 28, 2012
Good GAWD some people are just..DUMB with their comments.
I had a small window when I was pg w/London that sweets made me want to vomit, even just looking at them or smelling them. (now..why this couldn't have lasted and prevented my current obsession w/pb m&m's...) My MIL, who never liked me to begin w/, was reaaaaally reeaaaallly good at doing/saying things that would make you think hmmm, was that a jab at me or not? At her house once, she offered us some sort of dessert, and I declined. She pushed and pushed, I said no, even just talking about desserts makes me ill right now. So she brought the pan out to show me. Hand up, head turned, no, thanks but even looking at rich desserts doesn't agree with me. She comes around the table and shows it to me again, I turn the other way, no really, I can't handle sugary things right now. Around to the other side AGAIN, this time shoved up under my nose so I had to smell it. Ooookay, pop up from the table and I'm ready to go, kthanxbai. When London was not even a week old, she came over and gave me the what-for b/c I wasn't putting cereal into her milk. And b/c I was not giving her a bottle in the first place, just nursing. She told me I needed to quit nursing b/c London spit up, which meant my milk was sour, so I was probably going to end up killing my child. She even decided to go for MIL of the Year and call the Dr's office b/c she wanted to report me as an unfit mother for those things. Peaches and cream, that one.
by swimmer » Oct 28, 2012
Exactly! sadly the intrusiveness of people when you are preggo is magnified when the baby comes. I do not regret shutting people down early so that they didn't dare do it again. MIL said "Oh wow, you are enormous!" when I was still in regular clothes with the rubber band trick. I replied something about that not being kind or helpful and that I would provide her feedback on her dye job if she wanted. She was dumbfounded and didn't say one thing about my body for the rest of that pregnancy or my next.
My favorite was always people commenting when I was exercising. It really got to me first time, I was defensive and angry at the intrusion, esp by week 42. Second time around I noticed the positive comments more, might have been that I was more comfortable and I had no insecurities b/c I knew that the exercise made me feel better, was what made unmedicated childbirth possible, and helped me snap back. And agreed, all childbirth is natural as long as you don't have puppies, what is wrong with people?
Good luck ladies, sending you all my best!
by Laila619 » Oct 28, 2012
I have a good one. DH and I went out to brunch today, and the waitress who took our drink order said to me (I kid you not), "What happened to you?!" At first, I didn't even realize she was asking me about my pregnancy. I was confused and taken aback, I thought maybe I had a cut or something. Then when it dawned on me as I caught her staring at my enormous 39 week belly, I replied "Oh, I'm having a baby." She then said "Wow, you look like you're ready to pop!" Probably not the best things to say to a pregnant lady.
I later told DH if I wanted to be really crass, I should have replied when she asked what happened to me, "Sex." It was just such an odd question!
by Laila619 » Oct 28, 2012
Wow, that is absolutely ridiculous Skippy!
by Skippy123 » Oct 29, 2012
Kunzite and Laila, thanks, people can just be insensitive/odd sometimes; I did not respond to the person that msg'ed me. Laila, sheesh, to that waitress!
by Prana » Oct 29, 2012
Skippy wow that's a lot of assumption. That YOU were to blame. Sickening. And take out the breathing tubes???!?!?!? Yes because vanity is much more important then the well being of your babies. Just....wow.
Packrat Your MIL's behavior sounds somewhat aggressive and bordering on violent. That's terrible. I'm glad you left. I would have left and told my DH that I would never be returning. What the heck is wrong with people?
Swimmer I had to be very blunt with my FIL as well. His comments at the beginning were so inappropriate, and there was no way I was going to let him think that what he was saying was OK, so I let him know every time he said something that offended me. Now he's just afraid to say anything to me, and that's fine by me!
Ugh, the exercise comments. If you're not my doctor, get out of my face!
Laila I don't know why people constantly feel the need to make "cute" or "cheeky" remarks to pregnant women.
by Munchkin » Nov 2, 2012
I think my favorites were:
"Are you sure you're not having twins?" Mind you, I gave birth to a 5lb 14oz baby boy - I couldn't have looked THAT big!
"You're carrying in the back, has anyone told you that?" (Admittedly, the instant I got pregnant I gained 5lbs in my bum and was self conscious for the duration of my pregnancy, so this one bothered my hormonal/self-conscious self excessively.)
People would often ask if we were having a boy or girl and I would answer "That's the plan. One or the other, hopefully."
Also, I swear women use pregnant ladies for post trauma therapy. I got to the point where if one more woman (and I work in pediatrics so I literally encounter 20-30 moms a day!) unloaded her delivery tale of horror I was going to dump a cup of water her head.
My absolute favorite was from an US tech. Back story, my sis came with me to one of my US as my DH had already taken time off work multiple days for earlier appts/US. I wanted him with me for a few specific appointments (first US, Downs Syndrome odds, etc) but the others I invited my sis or my Mum. I had a bunch of US due to low lying placenta. DH and I were team green, but being surprised was more important to him than me. I knew I couldn't keep the secret so we agreed I wouldn't find out, either. The tech said "So your HUSBAND decided you two won't find out but couldn't even be bothered to come to the US today?"
Packrat - Seriously? You milk was "sour?" Where the hell did this woman get her info? That is such antiquated crap. A normal, healthy baby WITHOUT reflux is expected to spit up to 4-6 times daily. A kiddo with reflux (mine) can easily spit 15-25 times daily. I don't think I've heard a woman under the age of approximately 178 years of age suggest a Mom's milk was "sour!"
by Dandi » Nov 13, 2012
Oh gosh the twin thing, I get that all the time! My body has not changed shape and has barely gained weight anywhere except my belly (and boobs!) so yes, my tummy looks, and is huge, but honestly!
OMG skippy I'm shaking with rage reading your post!!! SERIOUSLY?!?! Take them off their breathing tubes?! What are some people thinking? Grrrr!!
by Haven » Nov 14, 2012
Some of these comments are just awful.
I came back to share that one of my colleagues is just amazing. Every time I see him he simply says, "You look wonderful. I hope you feel as good as you look." If I say anything to the contrary he just says, "No, you look great. You really do."
He's a child psychologist, so my guess is that this is a happy outgrowth from his training, but I keep telling him that he should offer a seminar on how to interact with pregnant women. He could call it, "Know a Pregnant Woman? Just Lie Through Your Teeth"
Seriously, though, even though I *know* that I don't look wonderful when he sees me, I always leave our interactions *feeling* better. Isn't that how it should be?
by Haven » Nov 14, 2012
I'm starting to think that "Are you sure it's not twins?" and "You look ready to pop!" have become *the* cliched things to say to pregnant women. They're like the "How about this weather?" line that haunts work elevators everywhere.
How did such terrible comments become so commonplace??? My good friend has an 8-week-old, and she got the "Are you sure it's not twins?" thing so often at work that one of our mutual friends made a sign that said, "NOT TWINS" for her to wear across her belly.
by Puppmom » Nov 14, 2012
Haven, you're so right! I have one girlfriend who is always SUPER complimentary. Even though I know it's not true, it makes me feel better.
by Iowa Lizzy » Nov 15, 2012
I'm only 18 weeks, so I haven't had any encounters with strangers doing/saying anything strange. My belly has rounded out quite a bit in the past two weeks and I did get the "twins" comment from a coworker. Another coworker who recently had a child was there when it was said and responded with "them's fighting words!" I was glad someone else "gets it."
I'm so sick of everyone asking when we're finding out the gender and telling me what it is. One girl at work is insisting it's a girl because I'm "not excited at all." I want to say "I'm not excited because it still hasn't sunk-in and it was unplanned and I don't really like children." But I just politely smile and walk away. Everyone says "girl" so I guess I am secretly hoping for a boy just to prove them wrong.
Once we know the gender, I expect we'll be asked about names all the time. We are going to keep it a secret so I'm sure that will be fun to deal with. I already have a friend who keeps asking about names and she looks so offended that I won't tell her. Oh right, I'm going to keep it a secret from everyone BUT YOU.