Pre-teen help needed!

[portoar]

I have a sixth grader who, earlier this year, wasn''t doing her schoolwork and getting a few Ds and Fs. Prior to this year she had been a straight A student and also qualified for the Gifted and Talented Education Program (GATE). Last term we told her she had to make up the missing work and keep on top of her homework, or she would not be allowed to go to the sixth grade 1 week camp, a big deal among the sixth graders -- a week at camp away from home instead of school. All the kids are going. She made up all the missing schoolwork in time for the deadline to sign up for the camp, I helped her organize her binder, monitored her assignments for several weeks, and I thought she was back on track. Well, I stopped monitoring, camp is today, and yesterday, quite by accident, I discovered that a three week research project had been assigned and she didn''t do one spec of the work. Furthermore, after some questioning, it turns out there are two other assignments she didn''t do either.

After a lot of heated arguing between ourselves DH and I told her she would not be allowed to go to camp. The humiliation and disappointment can hardly be more devastating for her than it is for us. We love her, she is a dear, shy girl, she can''t seem to communicate what the issue is, but there''s something wrong. It''s tearing me apart telling her she can''t go to camp, but we feel she has to face up to the consequences for not doing a major piece of homework. But I also feel that the "consequence" isn''t going to solve the problem == that there''s some deeper issue here. And she has always been a very "internal" person -- unable or unwilling to share her thoughts and feelings -- and so any attempt at discussion or finding out what''s at the root of the problem is not going over well.

Any ideas?? I feel I''m on a course to uncharted waters, and I have no rudder. I don''t know what to do to get through to my wonderful daughter. I feel that if we communicate and deal with this issue, the schoolwork, the right way now we might head off some problems down the road. If we screw up, it could all go downhill.

As an aside, we (and a significant proportion of the 6th grade parents) feel that sixth grade is a disaster this year. Two of the three teachers are downright incompetent, and uncaring. If I had known sixth grade would be what it is at this school, I would have pulled her from the school and put her in a private school. As it is, by the time we realized the disaster it was really too late to change. We did, however, pull our younger daughter as we didn''t want to put her through what her older sister is going through.

 

[icekid]

hmm, any chance you think she might be able to open up to someone else? an aunt or someone a bit more removed from the situation? the pediatrician might be a good place to go as well, if your daughter has a good relationship w/ the doctor.

obviously something is wrong if she has suddenly stopped doing her school work and won''t talk about it. does she seem depressed? act differently than she used to, apart from not doing her hw? I remember that being a pretty tough age for me too!

I hope you get to the bottom of this soon, though. It must be hard to see your child struggling.

 

[Gemklctr]

Sounds like depression to me. I went through exactly the same thing with my daughter at about the same age when we lost her mother to heart disease. You need to explore what may be going on in your daughter''s life that could have caused such a reaction, and involvement of a professional may be helpful to accomplish that. We suffered through several very tough years, but my daughter is now in college and doing much better. Good luck to you.

 

[saturn]

Although it was many years ago, I remember that 6th grade was a tough year for me, too.
Not to minimize your daughter''s problem, but just try to keep in mind that 6th grade is a very difficult age to be. For girls, the hormones are just kicking into overdrive and causing all kinds of changes. You''re suddenly much more interested in boys, but they are still way too immature. Your female friends become catty. Everything seems so very dramatic.
In my family, 6th grade was always the most tumultous year. Lots of fighting between the parents and child, drama between the child and their friends, academic shortcomings, etc.

I remember in 6th grade we still were graded on a Satisfactory/Unsatisfactory basis, rather than letter grades. However, at the end of the semester, my teacher gave us a sheet showing us what our grades would have been if we were graded on an A/B/C basis. I got a couple of C''s, and it was really a shock. In seventh grade, I took school more seriously and got almost all A''s right through high school...

I think that you are doing the right thing. Your daughter need to see that there are consequences for her actions. And definitely try to find out if there is an underlying problem that can be dealt with. But it''s also possible that she''s just going through the typical 6th grade issues and they will resolve themselves.

Good luck!

 

[fire&ice]

Strange, I was just talking to a friend about her 6th grade girl. Always was eager to do her homework, etc UNTIL this year. Must be a difficult age for girls in particular. Her main problem is math. She is embarrassed that she doesn''t get it as quick as the other kids - so sort of just blows it off - a normal kid response.

The only resolve was to follow her progress daily. I don''t know about where you are - but my friends can track homework, assignments and grades on the school internet. It''s a pain for them as they think the child should be doing this. Well, it seems not. I think FOCUS is non existent at this age.

I don''t know. I''m probably in the minority; but, I would let her go on her scheduled trip. She needs to have accountability - but this sounds like too much of a punishment by exclusion.

Good luck. Being on the outside looking in to my friends, middle school is such a huge change in many things - but also seems to be where a foundation needs to be laid.

 

[portoar]

Thanks so much for the advice, everyone . . . I also wondered if she might be suffering from depression . . . she is tired all the time . . . shuts herself away in her room . . . schoolwork going down the tubes, and oh gosh, I can see the raging hormones. . . she is only 12 and is WAY too mature physically for her emotional age . . . guys are telling her she is "hot" (and she is) and at 5'' 6" (and growing) she looks far older than 12. The girls are bitches at school, the teachers are awful, she smells (I have to remind her to use deodorant every day), she is breaking out . . . what a horrible age.

She woke up this morning and came into our bedroom crying about the camp, so we had another talk with her and decided to let her go . . . but, she''s lost TV and internet priveleges for the rest of the school year AND she has to go to an academic camp this summer (or, my MIL, former teacher, suggested a tutor might be more helpful).

She also has to use the upcoming spring break to make up all her assignements, whether or not she gets credit for them.

Whoever said the tough years are when they are little? That was a piece of cake. I can see myself going totally grey in the years to come. The poor kid.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Not being a parent, I can''t offer real advice on what to do, but I can remember being a shy sixth grader. My mom took me to a therapist just in case I wanted to talk about the divorce/other issues....and I sat there and rememebr perfectly thinking "I am not telling this woman anything, I don''t trust her and she''s just analyzing me in that chair" She told my mother I seemed just fine and I never went back.

So even if you do take her to a therapist, remember she might not tell them explicitly what the matter is...might be best to stick with it for awhile, let her get to know the therapist.

 

[f0rbidden]

as i recall from my oldest, 6th grade is right smack dab in the middle of hormone hell.
she went from quiet and shy to mouthy and obnoxious. school work was at the bottom of her list of concerns, a complete turn around from the prior year.

let the hormones run their course, try to make her understand that you''re there if she needs someone to talk to - remember that pre-teen hormones are enough to make anyone go nuts for a while, AND they are trying so hard at this age to express their independence, yet, once they have some, they don''t really know what to do with it.

you might want to ask at your school if they have counselors on staff - maybe she''ll open up a bit to them - you never know.

trust me when i tell you that the ages between 11 and about 16 are absolultely horrid - but it does get better and there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. my oldest will be 17 in a couple of weeks. we had a few really tough years, but things have settled down a lot and continue to do so - my seemingly directionless child is now the assistant producer of the school''s spring play!

 

[diamondlil]

Date: 3/27/2006 2:01:35 PM
Author: portoar

Whoever said the tough years are when they are little? That was a piece of cake. I can see myself going totally grey in the years to come. The poor kid.

Ditto to that, Portoar. We have a 14-year-old son and 11-year-old daughter. The hardest years are still ahead I believe. I''m soooooooo looking forward to being a grandmother in about 15 years. No THAT will be fun.

 

[firebirdgold]

I don''t have kids but I do remember being that age. 6th grade was also the hardest for me. It''s the transition year. It''s the first year where my lack of study habits really showed as the homework was ratcheted up in preparation for 7th grade. My parents had to go to a lot of paretn-teacher meetings!

It was also the first time sexuality played a part in social dynamics. Everyone was focusing on having a ''boyfriend'', and competing with each other. Parties went from play to spin-the-bottle and kissing in the closet. Personally, I was totally lost and confused by the changes. Fortunately for my parent''s sanity, I didn''t go through the ''no'' phase until 13 yrs old.

What''s up with your daughter could just be the changes in her social, school enviroment as well as the changes happening in her own body. But there is always the chance that something more serious has happened to her. Not to be an alarmist, but taking her to talk to someone neutral and understanding might be a very good idea. It''s hard for children that age to open up to any adult, particularly to their parents.

 

[hlmr]

Oh portoar, so sorry to hear what a hard time you are all going through. I must tell you, I was so relieved to read you reconsidered about camp! I lost the chance to go to camp when I was in grade six and because we moved so much after that, I never did experience going away to camp.

I have a son in grade six and talk about hormones - wholly moley!! I totally identify with that and it is so hard on them to be going through puberty.....I try to ease off when needed and be tough when I absolutely must!

Perhaps you could give her the opportunity to earn back some of her lost privileges by bringing home better marks in the next few weeks. She sounds like a great girl and a bad teacher can really make it so hard for the kids, especially at this age.

Communication is key too. Any chance she is being bullied? Mentally or physically? Perhaps through the net?
I always tell my son I would much rather find out about what's going on from him than from someone/somewhere else.

Perhaps you could ask her to write you a letter telling you what is going wrong for her and tell her that you will support her no matter what it is.....pehaps she has tried drugs or done something that she is terrifed you will find out about and someone is holding it over her head. Just a thought. Could something sexual have happened to her with a boy that she is terrified of discussing?

Keep hugging her and keep talking to her and let her know there is nothing she can't bring home to discuss with you two. I hope you are not offended by my candid thoughts. I am just throwing things out there in hopes of helping.

Please let us know how it all works out and I wish you the best of luck in getting to the bottom of your daughter's angst.

Heather

 

[moon river]

Just went through this a couple of years ago with my youngest. That is such an awkward, rollercoaster time. This too shall pass.

Most kids just want to be left alone at that age. Find a close relative, perhaps an older cousin, to talk to her and make sure there is nothing major to worry about. I know it''s tough to watch you child go through this. Just try to remember how much you love her in a few years when she becomes a full fledge teen

 

[portoar]

hlmr, thanks for your candid thoughts. Believe me, all of those worries have gone through my head too. When she comes home from camp, I need to reinforce the message that she can tell me anything. I worry about boys harrassing her, because she is so physically curvey and she looks 17 not 12. Being tall adds to the impression of age. I tell you if a boy touches my daughter he''s getting a one way ticket to the desert with my DH.

I do feel strongly that she hasn''t been tempted by drugs. We''ve talked to our kids about drugs and cigarettes since they were little, and by her own comments I know she is, for now, at least, strongly against them. Luckily, she doesn''t care what the "in" kids wear or do . . . she dresses very modestly, does not like to wear spagetti straps or low cut t shirts in public, does not expose her middle section, doesn''t care about the latest fashions. She''s not tempted by peer pressure, which is in her favor.

The more we talk, the more we think she''s just overwhelmed by the workload gearing up for middle school, and she has so much trouble with writing that these assignments were just beyond her. She did tell us this morning that she needs more help and support with her homework. We''ve decided to hire an english tutor when she gets back from camp. In addition, DH and I will be more hands on about monitoring homework assignments and helping out.

Thank you again for all the support, everyone. Like any other parent, I just want my girl to be happy, healthy, and grow into a strong and independent person.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 3/27/2006 8:20:25 PM
Author: portoar
hlmr, thanks for your candid thoughts. Believe me, all of those worries have gone through my head too. When she comes home from camp, I need to reinforce the message that she can tell me anything. I worry about boys harrassing her, because she is so physically curvey and she looks 17 not 12. Being tall adds to the impression of age. I tell you if a boy touches my daughter he''s getting a one way ticket to the desert with my DH.

I do feel strongly that she hasn''t been tempted by drugs. We''ve talked to our kids about drugs and cigarettes since they were little, and by her own comments I know she is, for now, at least, strongly against them. Luckily, she doesn''t care what the ''in'' kids wear or do . . . she dresses very modestly, does not like to wear spagetti straps or low cut t shirts in public, does not expose her middle section, doesn''t care about the latest fashions. She''s not tempted by peer pressure, which is in her favor.

The more we talk, the more we think she''s just overwhelmed by the workload gearing up for middle school, and she has so much trouble with writing that these assignments were just beyond her. She did tell us this morning that she needs more help and support with her homework. We''ve decided to hire an english tutor when she gets back from camp. In addition, DH and I will be more hands on about monitoring homework assignments and helping out.

Thank you again for all the support, everyone. Like any other parent, I just want my girl to be happy, healthy, and grow into a strong and independent person.

You are so very welcome. As you say, all we want as parents, is for our children to grow up to be happy, healthy, strong, independent people!!!

Heather

 

[Munchkin]

As someone who began to experience depression at that age, as well as a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner, please make an appointment for your daughter to see a counselor!

Sixth grade is a terrible age, but your daughter is having an uncommonly bad time of it. Being more physically advanced than peers can be extremely hard to handle - on a daily basis.

Your post above riased several red flags for me. A child who suddenly has a such a dramatic drop in grades has something going on. She sounds EXACTLY like I was at that age. I bottled up all my emotions, couldn''t find the energy or motivation to complete homework, and was suddenly days, then weeks behind. The snowball effect is even more pronounced from the perspective of a sixth grader. The sixth grade mind can''t imagine approaching a parent to tell them that they are weeks behind in work. The sixth grade mind can''t understand that a parent would rather the child admit they messed up (and ask for help) with enough time to make up the work.

In addition, you mentioned that she is sleeping all the time. That greatly concerns me. Shutting herself in her room may well be normal, or could be another symptom. The whole deoderant thing is another red flag. Hygeine issues are VERY common in adolescents with depression.

Please think about setting up an appointment for her. Assure her that the person won''t judge her or share her secrets. Be sure to check if she would rather talk to a male or female. If you would like to find someone your insurance will pay for, simply turn your insurance card over. On the back you will find a phone number labeled "mental health" or something to that effect. Call that number to locate counselors/therapists in your area. While it would be a free option, setting up counseling through her school''s guidance center may be met with resistance, as she would probably assume that "eveyone will know."

I hope I haven''t scared you. I just know that my life got a whole lot easier once I had an outlet for my thoughts, fears, worries, etc. SLowly but surely, my social life, then my academic life got back on track.

Please also know that if she is truly depressed, conquering her work willl be a big task. Depression is typically associated with difficulty concentrating, poor organization, lack of motivation and generalized fatigue. Catching up on her work will physically be difficult for her, but she needs to do it. Please understand if she continues to struggle, even with your help. But, stick to your guns and help her complete her work on a reasonable schedule.

Good luck!

Munchkin

 

[Jelly]

Hi Portoar,

I''m not a parent yet, but I teach 5-8th graders. I definitely advise you to seek some counseling for your girl. Sounds like she is going through a lot emotionally and this sudden change of behavior is a sign on something much deeper. Good luck and keep us posted on how she''s doing!

 

[portoar]

Yes, Munchkin, I told DH right away that I thought she might be suffering from depression and would benefit from seeing a counselor. My younger daughter, who actually has OCD, has been to counseling, and it helped her a lot. I think the older one might resist, especially since she has always had a hard time sharing her thoughts and feelings, but I agree that she needs to go. I''m going to set that up. I can''t tell you how much it means to me to have all of your expressions of sympathy, and your thoughts about what my daughter must be going through. The trick seems to be balancing sensitivity to her issues and recognizing and identifying her problems with maintaining discipline and making sure that she follows through with her responsibilities.

She just has me off balance right now. A few days before this schoolwork crisis came up, I''d gone into her room to ask her a question. Later, when I asked DH to get her for dinner, he found her crying -- under her bed. She had been distraught that I came into her room without knocking first. She just doesn''t seem to have it in her to express her feelings and talk to us about her need for privacy -- it gets all bottled up and she cries.

Yes, definitely, a counselor. I''ll call tomorrow.