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possible engagement postponement....

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JenStone

Shiny_Rock
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Mar 13, 2006
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490
My boyfriend and I had originally planned on getting engaged at the beginning of this year. But it''s mid-March already! So I asked him if anything was holding him back...

It turns out that he''s had the money for more than a month now. But he can''t do anything with it because of his father. His father, who is retired, had decided to start a small business, which isn''t doing well. And so he has told my boyfriend that he may need to send him some money to bail him out. And since the majority of my boyfriend''s savings is the ring fund, he may have to cut into it to help his father.

His father still isn''t sure if he still needs the money, or how much. So my boyfriend can''t commit to a ring until he knows for sure.

Now I''m all for family. I''m a firm believer in good family relations, and I know that family always must come first.

But the way the situation is unfolding just makes me so frustrated and impatient. I had posted about my boyfriend''s parents before
here - suffice it to say, they can be pretty unreasonable.

I asked my boyfriend if his brother will help his father, and he answered probably not. Why not? He makes A LOT more money than my boyfriend and he''s more financially stable. However, my boyfriend says that his father came to him because he''s the older son. (Again, with the older son bit)

I just feel terrible for being angry at the situation, but after having waited over a year, the news is just really upsetting to me. This may cut the ring fund by up to a half!

I asked my boyfriend if I can chip in for the ring, and he said NO. He just has too much pride.

I''m so frustrated and angry at myself for not being more understanding. Help me, please....
 

KristyDarling

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 27, 2005
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3,858
Argh, how frustrating!!! How do you feel about getting engaged anyway, but perhaps with a "temporary" engagement ring like a gorgeous sapphire in a simple setting? If your BF is committed to helping his dad and is also too proud to let you chip in, then it is what it is and it would be futile to try to arrange for the exact ring you want. So perhaps you could talk about moving forward with a gemstone ring of some kind. You could always re-set the gemstone into a necklace (or something) later down the road, when you're financially ready to buy the permanent e-ring. It's very noble of your BF to help his dad, but at the same time, it'd obviously be best if you didn't have to put your life on hold either.

But, a lot of couples are sentimental about getting engaged with the exact ring/stone that she'll wear on her ring finger forever...do you guys fall into that category?
 

therighttime

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 20, 2006
Messages
224
I''m sorry about the situation and know you must be upset to have to wait longer. The situation with your bf''s family sounds complicated. Without knowing all the details though, the first thing that came to my mind is why can you not be engaged without a ring? Or with a smaller ring? You said your bf would still have 1/2 the ring money? Can you not find something you like with that amount of money? Everyone is different I know, but personally I don''t need a ring at all to be engaged and certainly would be happy with anything he bought. If you both are ready to be engaged, but his money needs to go to his family, then you either have to wait or pick out something else.

good luck to you!
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
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17,193
I was going to suggest that maybe you can get engaged without the ring and then I read your other thread. Yowza...you need to hold onto that ring fund, or else his family will milk you for it all!


It's a tough place to be in, especially since you are sensitive to family dynamics within asian culture. And I think you are being pretty understanding...you're even fine with chipping in for the setting, which is very reasonable!

While it's hard to change asian old fashioned parents, their children (sons) need to understand that a lot of us asian women are far more westernized and have different ideas and "needs" than previous generations of wives. I really do think that men need to learn to step up to the plate and stand up to their parents, even when it goes against the grain. Or at least TRY. Our duty (for lack of a better word) as wives is to be as understanding as we humanly can (which I think you are being). But if these asian first sons want to marry a modern asian women, there comes some responsibility and understanding that has to come with that. Otherwise I think they should marry more traditional asian women. I'm probably being harsh by saying that.

But unfortunately, it's tough to control who you fall in love with...
 

neatfreak

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 17, 2007
Messages
14,167
Oh Jen! That stinks. While I can''t comment intelligently on what to do about the parents/brother/eldest thing, because I have no personal experience with it, I think you guys should still get engaged now if that is what you both want.

What I would do if it were me is buy a smaller stone with 1/2 the fund, set it in a $300 WG/G setting, and make sure to buy from a vendor that has a complete upgrade policy for the stone. Then when the $ for his father is figured out or he has enough time to save some more, you could upgrade the stone and put it in it''s permanent home.

If it''s important for you to have the bigger ring right away you might just have to stick it out, but if you just want to be engaged and it''s ok to have a smaller stone, there are always upgrades!

HUGS and I hope this all works itself out soon for you.
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
aww thats terrible Jen! I think you''re being really understanding to the situation and dont be annoyed with yourself for being angry/upset-anyone would be in the same situation. I hope that your bf works it out with his father. Im all for family too, but it shouldnt just be up to your bf to remedy the situation for his father
 

JenStone

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 13, 2006
Messages
490
Thank you everyone for your kind words. Unfortunately, I am one of those super-sentimental people who wants the perfect ring that will last forever (no upgrades for me). We would''ve gotten engaged last year if I didn''t choose to wait for my perfect ring.

I guess the only thing I can do at this point is to wait for his father''s response and hope for the best. Although it''ll be hard, I am willing to wait longer if his father does need the money.

My boyfriend had gotten me a promise ring a while back...maybe I''ll start wearing that every day and just pretend I''m engaged.
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
Date: 3/20/2007 1:25:08 PM
Author: JenStone
Thank you everyone for your kind words. Unfortunately, I am one of those super-sentimental people who wants the perfect ring that will last forever (no upgrades for me). We would''ve gotten engaged last year if I didn''t choose to wait for my perfect ring.

I guess the only thing I can do at this point is to wait for his father''s response and hope for the best. Although it''ll be hard, I am willing to wait longer if his father does need the money.

My boyfriend had gotten me a promise ring a while back...maybe I''ll start wearing that every day and just pretend I''m engaged.
JenStone, I totally understand being sentimental. I am not an upgrader myself and am sticking with what I got (not hard since I had plenty-o-input!).

I gotta ask - what is more important...marrying the man or the ring? You don''t have to answer that...I know you will say marrying the man as why would anyone put themselves through this if they didn''t love the guy right? But I find it interesting that you could have gotten engaged last year, but you wanted the "perfect" ring. I really hope you get the ring and man of your dreams, but it sure does sound to me like you''ve set up yourself all over the place for disappointment along the way.
 

JenStone

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 13, 2006
Messages
490
Date: 3/20/2007 10:20:34 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Date: 3/20/2007 1:25:08 PM

Author: JenStone

Thank you everyone for your kind words. Unfortunately, I am one of those super-sentimental people who wants the perfect ring that will last forever (no upgrades for me). We would''ve gotten engaged last year if I didn''t choose to wait for my perfect ring.


I guess the only thing I can do at this point is to wait for his father''s response and hope for the best. Although it''ll be hard, I am willing to wait longer if his father does need the money.


My boyfriend had gotten me a promise ring a while back...maybe I''ll start wearing that every day and just pretend I''m engaged.
JenStone, I totally understand being sentimental. I am not an upgrader myself and am sticking with what I got (not hard since I had plenty-o-input!).


I gotta ask - what is more important...marrying the man or the ring? You don''t have to answer that...I know you will say marrying the man as why would anyone put themselves through this if they didn''t love the guy right? But I find it interesting that you could have gotten engaged last year, but you wanted the ''perfect'' ring. I really hope you get the ring and man of your dreams, but it sure does sound to me like you''ve set up yourself all over the place for disappointment along the way.
Thanks for your concern. When we first started talking about marriage, we knew it wouldn''t happen until 2008 or 2009 so if we had gotten engaged last year, it would''ve been quite a long engagement!

I think we practically consider ourselves engaged, and so does my family (we''ve already slowly planning for the wedding and we''ve already set an engagement party date for July). The only thing to make it 100% official is the ring.

And I''m the type of person who will even wait until AFTER the wedding for an engagement ring (will that even be considered an e-ring anymore?) so I guess I can wait. After all, 2008/2009 is pretty far off too.

I''m just anxious about getting a ring because....well, I wouldn''t be a PS member otherwise, right?
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Messages
17,193
Date: 3/20/2007 10:48:21 PM
Author: JenStone


Thanks for your concern. When we first started talking about marriage, we knew it wouldn''t happen until 2008 or 2009 so if we had gotten engaged last year, it would''ve been quite a long engagement!

I think we practically consider ourselves engaged, and so does my family (we''ve already slowly planning for the wedding and we''ve already set an engagement party date for July). The only thing to make it 100% official is the ring.

And I''m the type of person who will even wait until AFTER the wedding for an engagement ring (will that even be considered an e-ring anymore?) so I guess I can wait. After all, 2008/2009 is pretty far off too.

I''m just anxious about getting a ring because....well, I wouldn''t be a PS member otherwise, right?
True.


I hope you have a great engagement...and I hope you have the wedding BOTH of you want, and not his parents!
 

MustangFan

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 27, 2006
Messages
935
This plain sucks and I feel for you.

I don''t think it''s your b/f responsibility to bail out his father, how does the father know that he even has that much saving to help and doesn''t he know it''s for the ring? Take out a loan, if you need help, I wouldn''t rely on my son to help me, it''s sweet thast he plans on helping, but a little selfish on the father''s part if he knows about the money and what he was supposed to do with it.

I agree with you, I wouldn''t want a good-for-now ring either after waiting all this time. Upgrades can be twice as expensive! and I understand it''s not very sentimental.

Hang in there, I hope everything works out
 

JenStone

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 13, 2006
Messages
490
Date: 3/21/2007 7:58:51 AM
Author: MustangFan
This plain sucks and I feel for you.


I don''t think it''s your b/f responsibility to bail out his father, how does the father know that he even has that much saving to help and doesn''t he know it''s for the ring? Take out a loan, if you need help, I wouldn''t rely on my son to help me, it''s sweet thast he plans on helping, but a little selfish on the father''s part if he knows about the money and what he was supposed to do with it.


I agree with you, I wouldn''t want a good-for-now ring either after waiting all this time. Upgrades can be twice as expensive! and I understand it''s not very sentimental.



Hang in there, I hope everything works out

Well, his parents'' thinking is that you shouldn''t spend more than $1,000 on an e-ring. Apparently, they were upset that his brother had purchased a $5,000 ring for his fiancee, and our budget is twice that. My boyfriend has said that he will not tell them how much he''s spending for my ring, because they will definitely have a cow. They think that his savings is mainly geared toward the purchase of our first home.

They also believe that once a child graduates from college, they need to start supporting their parents, since the parents have been supporting them all that time (this is one of the reasons they retired early, since both their sons are out of school now). My boyfriend already pays their credit card bill - what more do they want?

I definitely plan on supporting my parents when they retire and I would definitely help them if they need my help now, but I also know that my parents want me to plan for a marriage, a house, and a family first before I start supporting them. I don''t know - maybe my parents are overly generous? Are other people''s parents more like my boyfriend''s?

In addition, his parents also believe that men do not need to get married until they''re at least 35. They will not object to us getting married sooner (I''m 26 and he''s 29) but they think we still have plenty of time to get married. Which is a bit of a problem for me, because I want to have my first kid before 30!

Sorry for the long rant...
 

graceelou

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 14, 2005
Messages
44
I''m sorry for all your troubles Jen, but I''ve never heard of parents expecting their children to support them after they have graduated from college. Do you mean literally paying for everything for them? To me this sounds very selfish. Isn''t that what a retirement fund is for? Basically your/his parents are expecting you to put your life on hold so that they can do what they want to do with their lives.
 

JenStone

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 13, 2006
Messages
490
His parents are currently living off his father''s pension plan, so my boyfriend isn''t expected to pay for EVERYTHING. However, he pays for a credit card that they use for necessities (still about a $500 a month, I think). And they expect him to invite them to live with us after we''re all settled, have kids, etc.
 

NYCsparkle

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 23, 2006
Messages
1,371
how do YOU feel about all of that? voice your opinions now, because it''ll only be heartache later if you don''t. you both need to start living your lives as your own family without the added stress of his parents. will you have to pay their cc bill after you are married and in your own house?
 

allycat0303

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
3,255
Jenstone,

Well I''m not really shocked or stunned by any of this. It is tradition in many asian cultures that the children take care of their parents. My grandparents have always lived with us, and I can''t imagine it any other way. Usually it''s the oldest child that takes the lion share of the burden, that''s very culturally ingrained, so there isn''t much you can do about it without being cast in a very bad light by his entire family. In french we have this saying, marry the girl, marry the family. I think this is a reversal of that. In cultural situations like this, there is no happy compromise. If you feel angry now, I am pretty sure your future will be full of that. As an oldest sibling I know that the burden of responsibility is very heavy, and it''s almost impossible to shrug off.

Honestly, if you want the ring fund to be 10,000, I think you should push the issue to let you contribute. That''s it. He''s your future husband, and I think compromise and working together is key. It''s obvious to me that you are both very open with the topic of money, so you are going to have to put your paw down. I know he has pride, but it''s evident to me that you aren''t going to be happy with a 5000 budget for your ring, so you are going to have to figure out a way to make it work for you. It''s not like you''re going to tell all his friends and family that you contributed or anything, that''s a decision that was made between the two of you in private.

Good luck!
 

MustangFan

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 27, 2006
Messages
935
I feel really terrible for you, this is not the 70''s where you could get a nice ring for a grand!!! My mom got a 1 carat solitaire in 1979!!! now it''s 3-4k for a 1 carat solitaire!! They are living in the past and it''s none of their business what he spends because it''s not their money!!
I don''t think it''s really fair that his parents are taking advanage of him and retiring really, my father will never except me to support him, he''s 70 years old and still working to this day!

It''s kinda of like, "do as I say and not as I do", they want him to get married at 35, well I doubt they waited that long and hate to burst their bubble but 29 is the average age of a guy to get married. You also have needs and they are not taking that into consideration, you want to have kids before 30 and I don''t blame you. How can you guys buy a house when his parents are milking off you? It''s tough already in this world and they just want to make it even harder. My boyfriend and I have a $2,200 mortgage, yes that''s right 2200k! It tough to pay for our own bills an electric bill that''s $400 because the hot water heater that is as old as the house and a electric dry from the late 80''s, my mom felt so bad that she has offered to buy us a new washer and dryer.

I agree, I would love to take care of my parent some day, but not till I''m in my mid 30''s - 40''s and settle, and even then it will be tight because of children in the picture.

Sorry this sounds so angry, but grrr my dog is going blind and his diabetes is still not regulated.

 
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