Home Please tell me when you knew...

[Keepingthefaith21]

I have no doubt this topic has been covered frequently in this forum but I’m really feeling conflicted – so I’m going to bring it up…

How did you know you were ready to start a family?

For YEARS I have been opposed to having children.It wasn’t something that fit into the way I pictured my life.I often thought that DH felt similarly.Then we got married and suddenly I feel like he’s ready to tackle everything head on.Prior to getting married we had talked about children and it seemed he was quite content to wait about 3 years or so before thinking about children.Then he started to drop subtle hints here and there about beginning to feel “old” and expressing worries that if we waited “too long” we couldn’t “keep up” with our future children.


Having grown tired of his subtle hint dropping, I outright asked him “when do you think you will be fit for a family?” his response: “as soon as you are ready”.This floored me as I had believed that that he would have preferred to wait.He admitted that he’s wanted a family for a considerable amount of time but didn’t want to pressure me because he understands I am very driven in my career and very particular about being able to afford a child.


I’m struggling – there is a part of me that really does feel ready to have a child.I have a good job, I am successful at it and although I have future goals I wish to obtain, I realize that having a child in the near future wouldn’t impact those goals as I still have to work my way up in my company.We’re financially stable but I get caught up in ideals and could probably be making three times what I currently make and still feel it’s not enough.

I’m worried that some of the feelings I have towards having a family may be fleeting and I might be feeling this desire to start a family simply because it comes up so frequently now that we are married.I feel conflicted and I am terrified that I am feeling twinges of wanting to start a family and can’t seem to determine if it’s because the topic has been in focus so much or because it really is time.Many of my friends found themselves unexpectedly pregnant so it’s hard to ask them how they felt ready.So, anyone who would care to tell me how you knew – I’d appreciate it.

 

[nclrgirl]

I wish I could offer some advice, but I can''t because I''m struggling with the exact same thing right now. I just wanted to drop a quick not to let you know that you''re not alone!

It sounds like you''re considering all of the right things! There may never be a "perfect" time as far as finances and career go. Good luck!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 3/9/2010 7:31:47 PM
Author: runner
I wish I could offer some advice, but I can''t because I''m struggling with the exact same thing right now. I just wanted to drop a quick not to let you know that you''re not alone!

It sounds like you''re considering all of the right things! There may never be a ''perfect'' time as far as finances and career go. Good luck!

Thank you so much - it is nice to hear I am not the only one struggling with this.

 

[nclrgirl]

I''m currently reading a book called "The price of motherhood" that has a couple of interesting points related to career and family. I''ve also considered asking some of the successful women that I work with who are mothers some questions about how they made the career/family balance work for them.

 

[jewelz617]

I wasn''t ready. I told myself no kids before age 30. I thought I had everything figured out, weighed the pros and cons.

As it turned out, life didn''t give a poopy diaper about my plans! I got pregnant at age 23. It was the best thing that ever happened to my husband and I. Our daughter is the greatest joy in our lives.

If I''m just being honest, no one is ever ready to have kids. And I mean that. You can buy the house with the backyard, read all the books, take the classes, buy the fancy nursery and have a million bucks in the bank, it really doesn''t mean much. You will never be 100% ready, so if that''s what is worrying you just understand you will not achieve it. If you feel in your heart it''s time to become a mom, you should follow your heart. It sounds so cheesy, but it''s true.

 

[TravelingGal]

Wasn''t ready, but must have been ready enough to throw caution to the wind. Think about it too hard and you''ll never do it. Just figure out whether parenting appeals to you on any level, and then chuck the BC and see what happens. If you have any desire to be a parent, I think it''ll all be OK when the kid actually is conceived and arrives. They have a way of making raising them a wonderful thing. My kid is the most delightful thing to me. Delightful...it''s such a perfect word for her. She sends delight jujus that I must see in only her because I am still not really into other kids. (That''s a sad commentary on me, but another story.)

 

[Mara]

I ditto TG re: not being 'ready' but 'ready enough' to either not use BC or 'try and see what happens'... it took us about 2-3 years to get to that point after STARTING to discuss it. That may seem like a long time to some but considering that we had waited that long we figured waiting a few more years to be sure was not much in the scheme of things.

The irony for us is that we decided to throw caution to the wind figuring that it would take us a while (he was 41 and i was 34)...but we got pregnant right away, literally right away. So we were really glad that we had waited til we were at least 'ready enough' because we were much further along in our mental acceptance of it than if we had started throwing caution to the wind a few years earlier.

Though all that said, I DO feel like I wish we had been ready 3-4 years earlier because pregnancy was hard on my body at 34. I would much prefer being pregnant at 29 or 30 than 34 just for all the little extra aches and pains ... and also when the kid comes, the sleep deprivation to me would be EASIER when we were younger than when we are as old as we are. Even though we are young at heart, our bodies still are of age.

Whatever you decide, no answer is right or wrong. Also, my husband used to say things like 'whenever you are ready' but in reality he knew I wasn't ready so it was easy for him to SAY that.because he knew I wasn't there yet. I knew both of us were on the same page mentally, which was 'almost ready' a few years ago, but it took a little while longer to get there...we wanted to be in a better financial position and get more travel in, both of which we did in those few years we also mentally readied ourselves.

 

[somethingshiny]

DH and I got married knowing we wanted to start a family "right away." For us, that meant enjoying being a newlywed for a year and then TTC. However, immediately upon returning from our honeymoon I had a late period (I hadn''t been real good about keeping up with my pills on the honeymoon). I was ecstatic and so was DH. My period started a few days late but we decided that I wouldn''t go back on BC because if we were both so happy with a "what if" we knew we were ready.

We didn''t really take into consideration our tiny apartment or off shifts at work, we just knew we wanted a baby.

 

[Lilac]

Keepingthefaith - I don''t have time to fully write out my thoughts right now (I have to go make some dinner now!) but I will be back later. I am so happy you started this thread, as I have been contemplating starting a similar one. You''re definitely not alone... Like I said, I''ll be back later to share my thoughts, and meanwhile, I''ll be eagerly awaiting some more replies to your thread

 

[ChinaCat]

When it stopped scaring the c**p out of me and it became just sort of scary.

Some women have always known they wanted kids. I wasn''t one of them. I don''t think I was really "ready" and not sure I ever would have been 100%. But suddenly the idea of "getting pregnant" (not BEING pregnant, mind you, just trying to get pregnant) seemed ok. Then I got pregnant and I was scared beyond belief. But then I was ok with being preggo, but NOT being a mom. Then after 10 months, you feel ready. Then I HAD my baby and realized I was so not ready but there he was and he''s the love of my life. So it''s baby steps and you learn as you go.

I will admit that after having had a baby, I realize that my life pre-baby was really fulfilling and I might have been one of those women who would have been completely happy without kids. But my son adds something to my life that I never knew I was missing. So I am "pretty" sure that you would never regret having kids. The mom gene is an amazing phenomenon and the love you feel for your kids is just so much MORE than anything.

Oh, and when I started reading the TTC thread, preggo thread and newborn thread everyday. That is a BAD sign.

 

[Rachel9]

We talked about it when we got engaged. My family is quite large so I wanted to make sure he 'knew' I wasn't made for that. We waited 2 years then decided wait longer and save more for me to stay home with the baby for 2 full years, HA! sometimes you plan and G*d decides lol We conceived twins after 5 months of trying [3 1/2 years after the wedding]...I loved being pregnant, had an easy v-delivery [smallish babies] and a horrid time pumping for two, but you will forget bad aches and pains rather quickly. Deciding when to start a family is not easy. Imho, baby expense should be high on your list, we know $ doesn't buy you happiness but definitely makes a difference for most. No book, friend, etc would ever prepare you for motherhood, is a wonderful thing.

 

[PumpkinPie]

I''m conflicted on this decision as well - so you have more company

 

[Lilac]

Lately I''ve been conflicted about this. I used to be terrified of the idea. I always knew I wanted to be a mom and I always knew I wanted 3 or 4 kids. But the idea of getting pregnant and actually having my own baby TERRIFIED me. DH and I have always discussed how excited we are to have babies and start a family in the future (and to us, we planned on waiting until I finished grad school - which would be about 4 years after we got married, and about 3 years from now). But lately I''ve been rethinking this.

For the first six months of our marriage, I was completely scared of getting pregnant and I *really* didn''t feel ready for pregnancy or baby. I was totally prepared to wait the four years until my graduate school was over and I got a job. Then over the course of the last three or four months I''ve started to get less terrified.... and I''ve crossed into "confused" territory. I don''t want to wait another four years. I don''t even want to wait another three years. I''m not sure I want to wait another two years to get pregnant and start TTC because then it''ll be another 9 months after we actually do conceive until DH and I actually HAVE a baby! I worry about the potential for miscarriages, infertility, problems when TTC. I worry it''ll take a long time to get pregnant, so if I wait two years but then it takes a year to get pregnant, then maybe I should have started trying a year sooner so we won''t have to wait so long to actually have a baby! Bottom line is... I don''t know what I want. And being that it''s on my mind, I''m constantly thinking about this. I''ve started reading the TTC thread, the pregnancy thread, and this past week crossed over to lurking in the newborn-12 months thread (BIG mistake - there are way too many adorable babies in there and it just confuses me more because it makes me want a baby even sooner!!) I think I''m more ready to have a baby than DH is - but it''s funny - he says if it happened by accident he would be thrilled and it would be "meant to be" and he would be ecstatic. But actually throwing out the birth control pills and *planning* for it scares him right now - he just isn''t ready yet. But he agrees with me - neither of us want to wait another 3-4 years to start TTC so we''re going to move up that timeline, but the problem is neither of us know when to move it up to.

I know there is never a "right" time to have a baby. Right now DH and I are still enjoying married life together (I know we will enjoy it even after we have children, but for right now we like being able to do what we want, travel when we want, etc. without worrying about babysitters or a baby). So I know we aren''t ready RIGHT NOW. But then I start grad school in the summer/fall. I wouldn''t want to have a baby the first year of grad school because it''s the hardest in my program and I wouldn''t want to have a baby and not be able to give it the care and time and attention he/she deserved. My second year would be ideal from a school perspective, but financially I would rather wait until I was working so both DH and I would have an income (rather than just him, which is how it is now). But my third year I''m doing fieldwork and working so giving birth is not exactly ideal. And then I graduate but do I really want to have a baby when I FIRST start a new job? I don''t know. But what I DO know is that I don''t want to wait another four years (and DH doesn''t want to wait that long either!)

Basically there is never a *right* time and there are always excuses why it''s a less-than-ideal time. But then how do you decide when *is* the right time?? I have no right answers. In fact, I''m pretty sure I have no answers at all. I''m still struggling with this myself (particularly in the last 2-3 weeks, which is why I was so happy to see you started this thread). Good luck with your decision, and I really am happy you started the thread.

 

[Haven]

Date: 3/9/2010 10:16:12 PM
Author: Maevie
I''m conflicted on this decision as well - so you have more company

Me, too.

I suffered a short wave of baby fever shortly after we married, but it promptly disappeared and I haven''t had one bit of a desire to have children since.

So, you''re not alone. DH and I decided to just see what happens, and if we start to feel the urge at some point, we''ll consider having kids. We''re currently 29 and 39.

 

[Mara]

"Basically there is never a *right* time and there are always excuses why it's a less-than-ideal time. But then how do you decide when *is* the right time?? I have no right answers. "

_____

As someone who was never sure she wanted to have kids and spent a good period of her life thinking she DIDNT want to have kids...I can say there is no right answer to that question. If people still have reasons why they shouldn't do it...then to me they aren't ready.

I think you decide when it's the right time when you decide. And I agree that there is never a PERFECT time and that many times people aren't READY. As CC said, when I got pregnant, I wasn't ready to have a kid or be a Mom. That is why gestation is 10 months! That's lots of time to get ready...in lots of diff ways.

But even then to be honest... I didn't really feel READY when the kid came...!! You just 'get ready' in a hurry...haha.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Keepingthefaith, I could have written your initial post!

I would never have been ready, but I got pregnant by accident (like, I didn''t know what causes it?!). We lost that baby and another a few months later. I thought I would never try again, it was just too awful. Couple of years later, I decided one day to TTC, mentioned it to DH, turned the lights off and that was it. Baby. It was literally a spur of the moment decision and it was the right one. Intuitive, not thought through at all.

Best thing I ever did, she''s a lot of fun.

 

[Dandi]

This topic goes through my mind constantly. Constantly. DH is really ready. I don''t really know what''s holding me back... I think I''m just waiting to wake up one day with that ''urge''? Like "yup, OK, want baby now!"

But is hasn''t happened. Will it?!

I''ve started taking prenatals, so a part of me feels ready to prepare to TTC, but as for actually TTC... mmm. Not so. I don''t know, I just wish I knew one way or the other what I want!! It''s REALLY confusing

I think I''m of the camp that YES, motherhood would be wonderful and I/we would really enjoy it, but if we never embark on that journey for whatever reason, then we would have a happy and fulfilling life, just the two of us. Yah, that''s it

It''s SO hard to put into words. I say that finances are holding us back, but technically, they aren''t, DH earns great money alone. Sometimes I feel it''s just an excuse. And I don''t know why I make excuses! I waver between being SO EXCITED at the thought of having a baby... to NUP, not the right time, not yet.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

 

[Shoopy]

"Wasn''t ready, but must have been ready enough to throw caution to the wind."

This pretty much sums up my situation/feeling.

DD is by definition an "oops" baby since we did not plan. However, we are two smart adults who were well aware of the risk of pregnancy when we decided to experiment without using protection so in that aspect, I think it''s safe to say we were both ready.

I don''t have any good advice for you. The only thing I can tell you coming from someone that didn''t prepare to have a baby (I''m not even married), you survive. And yes, there are mothers out there that really regret having children but it is so rare. Almost all moms look at their sweet little faces and can''t imagine life without them. If you do have a child in the near future, it won''t be a mistake. It''ll be a huge change but won''t be a mistake. And as someone who wasn''t prepared, I can also tell you that there is no such thing. To say that you want to be completely prepared before having a child is to say that once you do have your child, you won''t strive for anything else. If you are a motivated person, you will always want to work harder/push yourself harder/reach for bigger things. That motivation isn''t going to stop just because you lined up all of your ducks before having a child so even if you do get prepared based off of your checklist, it doesn''t mean that you won''t have other goals you will want to reach once the child is here.

 

[janinegirly]

I think TGAL is right, if you think about it too much you will never be ready. My doctor said that to me too when I was trying to determine when would be *too late*.

I think if you are conflicted on this, there is a part of you that yearns motherhood. I guess the way to look at it is how would you feel about being childless, 5, 10, 20 years from now. Does it make you said, unfullfilled, or indifferent?

THe tough part is your DH. I can relate b/c I am a bit torn on # 2. Deep down inside I believe I do want it, but it''s tempered by age/tiredness from #1 and also knowing that DH is not all for #2 for the same reasons as your DH (feels he would be too old for another newborn, less energy,etc). So this makes it harder for me to be completely honest with myself, b/c it may be something never happens because there is another party involved!

My advice would be to continue soul searching, maybe visit a friend with young child and come to terms with your feelings. Then approach DH honestly and see how he reacts. Be prepared for the fact that he may not be on the same page.

To answer your question directly, I knew I was ready for children when I imagined the future and realized I would be ok without children but immensely sad and probably eventually resentful and unfulfilled. When I visited a friend in California who had a small child---it just cemented it for me. I felt so natural carrying her around and even the tantrums didn''t throw me (little did I know

). I just knew I would do everything I could to have a child and if it wasn''t meant to be, I would accept it, but it was definitely a priority for me from that point on (and the clock was ticking since I was 34 at that point).

 

[vespergirl]

We had an accidental pregnancy that I didn''t feel at all ready for when I was 29 & DH was 34 (DS was born when we were 30 & 35). We were not married yet, but DH was ecstatic, proposed right away, we got married a few weeks later, and had the baby a few months later. Honestly, I didn''t want to have a baby until I was more like 31 or 32, but DH''s support and excitement got me on board, annd now I feel like my son is the best part of my life, hands down. I am now 33 and pregnant with our second son, and we couldn''t be happier.

I don''t know if my story helps, because our pregnancy wasn''t planned, but I just wanted to offer the perspective that a pregnancy and baby can be a wonderful and amazing thing even if you, like me, were afraid that you weren''t ready for that step yet.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

You''ll never be totally ready to have kids. And when I say ready I mean emotionally, mentally, physically,financially, etc. Personally I think a lot of the goals we set for ourselves to meet before starting a family are excuses because we''re scared. The only goal we set was a time to start. We decided to go for it after a "whoops" moment in November. The year prior we''d set a date to start trying (January 2010), which forced us to start thinking about the possibility of it happening sooner rather than later. Then we had a scare in November (chemical preg) and once the initial panic wore off and I''d gotten my period we decided that it was silly to wait one more month and that we were just as ready in December as we''d be in January. We figured it would take us 3-6 months of TTC so that helped as well. Of course it didn''t work out that way and here I am, 12 weeks, 1 day and due in September.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I''m just here to join the "I haven''t figured it out, either" club.

KTF, like you I have worked hard to get to where I am in my career, I''ve never been the I-can''t-wait-to-be-a-mom type, we wanted to be married a couple of years before really thinking about it too seriously and now I find myself thinking that it should be time--we''re financially stable, we have secure careers, we have a solid marriage and we do want kids.

For me, personally, I''m having a very hard time balancing my goals with my biological clock. There are some personal and professional goals that I really want to accomplish before TTC, however I am starting to feel a little claustrophobic about the time we have. I am going to be 29 in a couple of months and since we probably will want 2, I don''t feel I have the flexibility to push back the timeline like I did even a year ago I could very happily spend the next 2 - 3 years continuing to enjoy my marriage, travelling and focusing on my career, but I''m trying to compress that into the next 6 months instead of the next several years.

I find comfort in these threads because I admit I sometimes feel guilty for not being more excited about TTC. I know that many never feel "ready", but for me this is such a big decision and it weighs on my shoulders nearly every day.

 

[Haven]

These responses are so interesting to read, I''m so happy that everyone is being honest about this. As I said earlier, we really don''t know if we''re ready, and a part of me isn''t sure if I even want children. I don''t think it''s because I''m scared to have kids, it''s because I really truly enjoy my life *right now* exactly as it is, and I''m not willing to give that up, yet. On the other hand, I always pictured myself as a mama one day, and a part of me does want to have children with DH.

DH and I keep on having this conversation because we''re not getting any younger. I just sent in this year''s payment for our life insurance policies, which we purchased assuming that we''d have children. We have this tiered coverage that is really high for the next 10 years, then drops a bit. I said "We could probably drop one of these policies if we decide not to have kids" and DH said "Oh yeah! I forgot about that."

But then he said: "So you really don''t want kids?"
Me: "I''m not sure. What about you?"
Him: "I don''t know. Let''s just see if we get the urge in the next few years and go from there."

We''re like the blind leading the blind, here.

We were just at a 40th birthday party for one of his childhood friends. Everyone there was 40+, and most of them had small children aged 6 and under. I thought that was so interesting because of my high school friends I''m one of the last to not have children. On the way home we decided that city people have kids much later than suburbanites.

 

[MustangGal]

We did the set goals and plan thing. After bring married 4 years, we really started talking about it. I wanted a few things checked off my "to do" list before we started TTC: finish my BA, save up 6 months expenses incase one of us lost a job, go on a nice vacation. It took 2-3 years to get those items done, and even though I didn''t feel "ready", we went for it. Took 5 months to concieve, and one good thing about pregnancy is it takes 9 months, so you have plenty of time to figure things out and make a bit of a mental adjustment. At the time DS was born, we were 29 and had been married 7 years.

 

[Laila619]

I'm sort of a weird case. I had baby fever the INSTANT I got married at 27, and was ready to try 4 months into the marriage. DH was on board. We tried for 7 months with no success, so began seeing a fertility doc and found out we have unexplained infertility. At this point, I was positively OBSESSED with trying to have a baby. To the point that it began to take over my whole life. Then one day I woke up and realized that I was more obsessed with wanting to be pregnant rather than actually having a baby/toddler/kid and being a mom! That part is scary

. Now I'm not so sure I really even want kids anymore, but DH still does and still wants to keep trying. I guess right now I'm rather ambivalent about the whole thing. If it happens, great. If not, great. I agree with the others that there's never a time when you really feel 100% ready. I thought I definitely was, and now I'm not so sure. When I was younger, I was always ambivalent about kids too. I loved to babysit, but never really dreamed of being a mom myself.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Thank you all so much - I feel like I want to print this thread out and carry it around with me! It''s great to hear all the experiences other have had both planned and unplanned and it is certainly a great comfort to know I am not the only person who feels a bit torn by this decision. For awhile I was really being hard on myself believing that I was missing something - some sort of "mom" gene.

I spend a great deal of time with my friend''s and their children so I know I have the capabilities within me. Some of my favorite memories are of spending time with one of my best friends and her two sons. I was there for both of their births and even brought her oldest son to meet his new brother for the first time after he was born. I guess it''s just the whole concept of life changing forever that I find a bit intimidating but it seems every couple experiences those worries.

 

[snlee]

I always knew I wanted to have children so the decision to have a baby was not hard. DH and I both had baby fever early on but decided to wait at least a year after marriage to TTC. We wanted to enjoy each other, being married, and travel. I agree there''s no PERFECT time to have a baby. You''ll never be 100% ready. If you feel "ready enough" I think that''s the time you should go for it. Same goes for baby #2. There''s no perfect time to have a second and I surely don''t feel 100% ready but we felt ready enough and here we are expecting baby #2 later this year.

 

[Mara]

Haven...your convo:

But then he said: "So you really don''t want kids?"
Me: "I''m not sure. What about you?"
Him: "I don''t know. Let''s just see if we get the urge in the next few years and go from there."
.... this could have been us a few years ago. In fact it prob WAS the same convo we had a few times.

KTF...I know a lot more people like you who are questioning if and when than people who know for sure and/or know when for sure. You are def in good company.

 

[Bliss]

You know, I felt exactly like you a few years ago! I was never the type of girl who wanted to get married or have kids. I thought I'd want to forever forge my way in the world, enjoy the fruits of my labor and have a man for companionship but not as a husband. I think it came from my mom, who always urged me to enjoy my freedom and independence. My mom is very traditional and I feel like she really wished she could have had a career like I did and traveled the world.

I just watched 500 Days of Summer and I feel like I was Summer for the longest time. Then, after a lot of soul searching and work on myself, I realized that I *did* want all of those things with DH. He has been everything I have ever wanted in a partner. It just clicked! I don't know! It just did. And I don't know why... just looking at his face and feeling the way I do when he holds me - maybe it's biological? That's the only way I can describe it because it sure as heck wasn't something I came to from a logical standpoint.

I just suddenly had that urge and incredible desire to have a child together. Like love spilling out from every pore... kind of like a super mushy instinct that was lying inert for a long time suddenly activated. Never had that before. I guess part of it is the security of marriage and having closed all the other doors/possibilities on my own terms finally allowed me the freedom to feel what I truly wanted. It felt authentic. I didn't feel like it was pressure from society or from any other external source.

So after all this rambling, I have to agree with the ladies here who say - they were ready enough to TRY. It can be a wham bam moment of enlightenment or something you sidle closer to until you find yourselves freefalling into parenthood before you realize it. Maybe it's a sliver of something in between. It could be an ooops that changes your life forever. Who knows? All of these are miracles and they happen to everyone in a unique and incredible way. Sometimes even deciding to remain childless can be a miracle of self discovery and personal truth. I guess what I'm trying to say is, there is no black and white! Just lots and lots of shades of glorious gray! That you are asking the question means something amazing whichever path you decide to take in life. It is a wonderful beginning to a new adventure. Happy trails!

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 3/9/2010 9:38:06 PM
Author: ChinaCat
Some women have always known they wanted kids. I wasn''t one of them. I don''t think I was really ''ready'' and not sure I ever would have been 100%. But suddenly the idea of ''getting pregnant'' (not BEING pregnant, mind you, just trying to get pregnant) seemed ok. Then I got pregnant and I was scared beyond belief. But then I was ok with being preggo, but NOT being a mom. Then after 10 months, you feel ready. Then I HAD my baby and realized I was so not ready but there he was and he''s the love of my life. So it''s baby steps and you learn as you go.

This! A big, huge, ditto!

We didn''t plan our pregnancy at all - I just woke up one morning and knew I was PG, and the tests confirmed it. I was scared sh*tless for a long time, but now I feel a lot more confident and excited about this baby. Plus it really helps that I can see my husbands face light up when he puts his hand on my belly and feels him kick