Please read...

[Dreamgirl]

It's an apology I couldn't post on the old one because it was locked. Just wanted to clear things up and give updates to those who are keeping up on his Grandma. Thanks.

And again, thank you everyone...

 

[indecisive]

Date: 3/9/2009 2:48:43 PM
Author: chocolatefudge
I''m truly sorry about you SO''s grandmother and hope that things improve further.

Dreamgirl your last posts really surprised me. I don''t like to get involved in arguments and never have done, however I just want to say a couple of things. As you know, I have been with my SO for a long time and have posted on here before when we have had problems. I have had a lot of negative repsonses to my situation BUT I''ve never reacted so angrily- if someone else was telling me the story then I would most probably react in the same way. The thing is, noone really knows what your relationship is like- only you! So why get so defensive? If you are truly happy then you should not let comments bother you. If you come on to have a rant about a situation then of course you can expect to receive reactions such as the ones that you did. If you are as happy as you say then you should ignore what others think.

I hope that things can carry on as normal now as there seems to be a pattern emerging, you say something, then regret it, then create a thread to resolve it. Didn''t this happen a little while back after the engagement party comments? You then made a thread to ask people to be nice to one another, when really your comments were the ones that could have been perceived to have started the trouble. I''m only making this point to show you that YOU said you didn''t mean to upset anyone and were only stating your opinion, yet that is exactly what others did on your last thread and it has caused you all this emotional turmoil.

I hope this isn''t all sounding too negative as I really don''t enjoy arguments and confrontation but I just felt that I had to point some of these things out.

I agree. I wonder if/when the next blow up will be. I wish the best for your bf''s grandma.

 

[gwendolyn]

DG, you haven''t responded to much of the posts other than the warm, fuzzy "yay we missed you" comments, which worries me that this sort of thing may happen again. Just coming back to say "it''s over, let''s all be friends" isn''t enough. People have taken considerable time and effort to try to help the situation and you seem intent on ignoring them because, to you, this is all over because your blowup is finished. There were some very hurtful things that were said by you that are not so easily brushed aside. This may be an internet forum, but there are real people behind the words you read, not just some punching bag for when they don''t give you the vacuous fuzzies you appear (in retrospect) to only have wanted.

This is a place to receive advice, opinions and ideas, from people who genuinely want the best for you. However, there are only a few amount of times a person will outstretch a hand to help if half the time it gets smacked back in return.

 

[jmtomaui]

Date: 3/9/2009 8:26:14 PM
Author: indecisive

Date: 3/9/2009 2:48:43 PM
Author: chocolatefudge
I''m truly sorry about you SO''s grandmother and hope that things improve further.

Dreamgirl your last posts really surprised me. I don''t like to get involved in arguments and never have done, however I just want to say a couple of things. As you know, I have been with my SO for a long time and have posted on here before when we have had problems. I have had a lot of negative repsonses to my situation BUT I''ve never reacted so angrily- if someone else was telling me the story then I would most probably react in the same way. The thing is, noone really knows what your relationship is like- only you! So why get so defensive? If you are truly happy then you should not let comments bother you. If you come on to have a rant about a situation then of course you can expect to receive reactions such as the ones that you did. If you are as happy as you say then you should ignore what others think.

I hope that things can carry on as normal now as there seems to be a pattern emerging, you say something, then regret it, then create a thread to resolve it. Didn''t this happen a little while back after the engagement party comments? You then made a thread to ask people to be nice to one another, when really your comments were the ones that could have been perceived to have started the trouble. I''m only making this point to show you that YOU said you didn''t mean to upset anyone and were only stating your opinion, yet that is exactly what others did on your last thread and it has caused you all this emotional turmoil.

I hope this isn''t all sounding too negative as I really don''t enjoy arguments and confrontation but I just felt that I had to point some of these things out.

I agree. I wonder if/when the next blow up will be. I wish the best for your bf''s grandma.

DG, I hope your BF''s grandmother is doing well. And the BF is staying safe, warm and dry as we are having blizzards in Minnesota today...

I am truly a lurker on this board and I read it every day. I have to admit that as I was reading your latest post, I had the same thoughts as Chocolate Fudge. I felt moved to respond as I am concerned about this for you. My concern comes from the fact that I too have often responded in anger over some communication and immediately felt remorse and sent out an email apologizing for my outbursts.

DG, this has caused some long term consequences for me that I work on daily. I''ve lost some friendships over these actions. It has had a big impact on my work environment. People become afraid to talk to you. They are hesitant to offer assistance or advice as they are unsure of your reaction. Everyone walks on eggshells around you. They tend to make decisions without your input as you can''t give or hear comments, suggestions in a positive way so rather than ask, they make the decision and tell you how it is going to be.

I know friendships and work are different than an internet forum where you are less likely to "meet" the participants but I''m afraid that your actions here do correspond to your actions in your real life. It not, I''m glad and please do everything you can to be sure that you do not fall into troubling actions. But if you do see yourself often sending out apologetic messages in your personal and professional lives, please do as I continue to do and think about talking to someone about this. I need to get over my feelings of frustration, my feelings of inferiority, my anger when I feel I''m being "attacked" and through journaling, a counselor, some calming techniques, trusted friends and family, I am becoming more sure of myself and my interactions with others. And it has taken me 50 years to get to this place...

Please, take this in the spirit intended. Think about it and make some decisions that are right for you.

Best wishes, Julie

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 3/10/2009 3:50:05 AM
Author: gwendolyn
DG, you haven''t responded to much of the posts other than the warm, fuzzy ''yay we missed you'' comments, which worries me that this sort of thing may happen again.

This.

I hope S''s grandmother gets better.

 

[happydreams]

Date: 3/10/2009 10:18:52 AM
Author: jmtomaui

Date: 3/9/2009 8:26:14 PM
Author: indecisive

Date: 3/9/2009 2:48:43 PM
Author: chocolatefudge
I''m truly sorry about you SO''s grandmother and hope that things improve further.

Dreamgirl your last posts really surprised me. I don''t like to get involved in arguments and never have done, however I just want to say a couple of things. As you know, I have been with my SO for a long time and have posted on here before when we have had problems. I have had a lot of negative repsonses to my situation BUT I''ve never reacted so angrily- if someone else was telling me the story then I would most probably react in the same way. The thing is, noone really knows what your relationship is like- only you! So why get so defensive? If you are truly happy then you should not let comments bother you. If you come on to have a rant about a situation then of course you can expect to receive reactions such as the ones that you did. If you are as happy as you say then you should ignore what others think.

I hope that things can carry on as normal now as there seems to be a pattern emerging, you say something, then regret it, then create a thread to resolve it. Didn''t this happen a little while back after the engagement party comments? You then made a thread to ask people to be nice to one another, when really your comments were the ones that could have been perceived to have started the trouble. I''m only making this point to show you that YOU said you didn''t mean to upset anyone and were only stating your opinion, yet that is exactly what others did on your last thread and it has caused you all this emotional turmoil.

I hope this isn''t all sounding too negative as I really don''t enjoy arguments and confrontation but I just felt that I had to point some of these things out.

I agree. I wonder if/when the next blow up will be. I wish the best for your bf''s grandma.

DG, I hope your BF''s grandmother is doing well. And the BF is staying safe, warm and dry as we are having blizzards in Minnesota today...

I am truly a lurker on this board and I read it every day. I have to admit that as I was reading your latest post, I had the same thoughts as Chocolate Fudge. I felt moved to respond as I am concerned about this for you. My concern comes from the fact that I too have often responded in anger over some communication and immediately felt remorse and sent out an email apologizing for my outbursts.

DG, this has caused some long term consequences for me that I work on daily. I''ve lost some friendships over these actions. It has had a big impact on my work environment. People become afraid to talk to you. They are hesitant to offer assistance or advice as they are unsure of your reaction. Everyone walks on eggshells around you. They tend to make decisions without your input as you can''t give or hear comments, suggestions in a positive way so rather than ask, they make the decision and tell you how it is going to be.

I know friendships and work are different than an internet forum where you are less likely to ''meet'' the participants but I''m afraid that your actions here do correspond to your actions in your real life. It not, I''m glad and please do everything you can to be sure that you do not fall into troubling actions. But if you do see yourself often sending out apologetic messages in your personal and professional lives, please do as I continue to do and think about talking to someone about this. I need to get over my feelings of frustration, my feelings of inferiority, my anger when I feel I''m being ''attacked'' and through journaling, a counselor, some calming techniques, trusted friends and family, I am becoming more sure of myself and my interactions with others. And it has taken me 50 years to get to this place...

Please, take this in the spirit intended. Think about it and make some decisions that are right for you.

Best wishes, Julie

WOW. What a touching note. I think it''s really great that you shared that story....it rings true because it''s a personal story and it will help others that may be in the same situation. It''s great that you''re working on your problems. I think if everyone in the world acknowledged their shortcomings and worked on it the way you do, we would live in a really happy/healthy environment.

Actually, I think everyone goes through this stage - whether it be a few days or a few years - we have acted a little irrational and people avoid you due to fear of being lashed out at. And people do avoid you or turn away....I have gone through this for a few months (years ago) at a particularly rough time and when I came out of it, I realized how wrong/crazy I was and thanked friends for sticking around and supporting me through my "insane" stage.

Its a process of maturing. Some people never grow up but some people continually transform themselves, learning from every experience in life.

No, Dreamgirl, this post isn''t about you. I''m reflecting on Julie''s thoughtful post.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Oh my gosh. I wasn''t going to say anything but since Gwen wants to know why I havent....My post was to say "yeah, I get that you were trying to help but I took offense to it so I had to respond the way I did." I already said I''m sorry...more than once. Which is what this thread was about. To clear things up and appologize. I''ve only gotten the ''I''m sorries'' from a few posters and not many more. I got over it, I appologized for hurting anyone. Can''t you get over it too? Lets move on PLEASE. I really don''t see how getting upset by feeling backed into a corner (on a topic that was completely changed by several posters from my original topic) portrays who I am in real life and makes me some bitter angry person. Come on now! That''s just silly. A pattern? No. I''ve been here about a year now (I''ve always been positive and nice to others) and have only gotten upset twice in the past couple of months. Why? As I''ve said, I''ve got a lot of stress right now and that just put me over the top. So I defended myself. End of story. If that''s how you want to judge and see me, so be it I guess. Unfortunate, but there is nothing more I can say about it...

As I said before, lets just let bygones be bygones. Alright? I would appreciate it. This thread wasn''t made to discuss it further, just to clarify, appologize and move on. Thanks...

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 3/10/2009 11:06:24 AM
Author: happydreams
WOW. What a touching note. I think it's really great that you shared that story....it rings true because it's a personal story and it will help others that may be in the same situation. It's great that you're working on your problems. I think if everyone in the world acknowledged their shortcomings and worked on it the way you do, we would live in a really happy/healthy environment.

Actually, I think everyone goes through this stage - whether it be a few days or a few years - we have acted a little irrational and people avoid you due to fear of being lashed out at. And people do avoid you or turn away....I have gone through this for a few months (years ago) at a particularly rough time and when I came out of it, I realized how wrong/crazy I was and thanked friends for sticking around and supporting me through my 'insane' stage.

Its a process of maturing. Some people never grow up but some people continually transform themselves, learning from every experience in life.

No, Dreamgirl, this post isn't about you. I'm reflecting on Julie's thoughtful post.

lol ok then! I completely understand what you all are saying. It was just a moment, not a pattern though...thank you Julie for your post, and happydreams too.

ETA- As I've mentioned, you all know how my posts have been for the past year. This just set me off. That's all! I promise!!!

 

[janinegirly]

I'm more of a lurker here (I'm usually on family thread)...and only browse posts here and there, but I have def noticed a pattern. I'm not trying to attack or pile on especially during a difficult time for you--but just thought pointing it out might help you understand some of the reactions you get.

It seems to me that you might be a bit frustrated with being an LIW, so come here to vent (totally understandable since that's why most of us have come here!), but then you get po'd when people give you their thoughts/advice based on details YOU supplied. So you lash out and say HEY NO ONE understands my relationship, BACK OFF. Which really turns alot of people off since they only were reacting to what you were describing/venting about. Then you'll add some revealing info in an attempt to justify your lash out and force everyone to feel sympathetic (or else look they look awful). Another version is you lash out and then threaten to leave the forum in a huff, but eventually return refreshed and chirpy, but only to have the cycle start again.

REALLY, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just pointing out what I've noticed. I don't know you, just basing on what I've read, and what you've written. It's only a message board, there's no need for anyone to take the written word from strangers so personally or have so many highs and lows from it! I agree it might come down to maturity, but then all of us pointing it out might help that process along.

On a positive note, your posts for the most part are really fun and energetic, so everyone loves that about them. Hope I didn't offend at all.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

You know DG, I wasn't going to even acknowledge this thread for several reasons...but I think since I am mostly to blame for the last thread that got you so upset, I should at least acknowledge your attempt at apologizing.

Most importantly, I am sorry your SO's grandma isn't doing well. As I expressed in your first thread about this subject, this is a tragic situation--and I hope for the best outcome possible.

Now...

Sometimes I don't consider my audience. I'm 100% guilty of that. Sometimes I assume wrong, and give people a dose of "how I see it" good or bad or indifferent. I often times assume in my mind that they can take it...but sometimes they are too senstive, tender-hearted, or just plain uninterested...and my good natured advice comes off completely wrong. But, I come by trait that honestly...and nothing I ever say is ill-intended and I don't use words as weapons. Believe it or not, I don't wake up in the morning plotting ways to cut someone down or hurt their feelings...I walk into every advice-giving opportunity with the same openess that I want in return. I wouldn't want someone to flower my situation up...if I'm seriously hurting, or seeking advice, or coming out with my raw emotions because I need help...then that's because I really want that help. I don't want someone to hold my hand and tell me what they think I want to hear...no good, no healing comes from that. If we're just going to continually water everything down, why bother even having a sounding board? I don't come here for blanket agreement, I come here to stretch myself...and I think that that is why many people on this site come here.

When I read your post, the original, I saw a girl that was very conflicted. And reading that hurt my heart. I enjoy your posts, and I enjoy you as person in general. So to see you hurting over unidentified feelings, I felt the need to weigh in. I was very thoughtful when it came to what to said and how I saidit. I didn't give you butterflies and flowers...but that doesn't mean what I said didn't come from a place of love or friendship.

And when you came back and expressed that I had hurt you...the very first thing I said was that I apologize. However, you decided in that moment to escalate the issue and make it into something it wasn't...you looked at it as an attack, and said some really nasty things in return.

I'm really sorry, but as someone who was actually attacked those things said by you don't go away over night. While I don't believe in holding grudges, I also believe that when someone shows you who they are, you need to pay attention to that. And, I'm paying attention now.

 

[jmtomaui]

Date: 3/10/2009 11:17:53 AM
Author: Dreamgirl
Oh my gosh. I wasn''t going to say anything but since Gwen wants to know why I havent....My post was to say ''yeah, I get that you were trying to help but I took offense to it so I had to respond the way I did.'' I already said I''m sorry...more than once. Which is what this thread was about. To clear things up and appologize. I''ve only gotten the ''I''m sorries'' from a few posters and not many more. I got over it, I appologized for hurting anyone. Can''t you get over it too? Lets move on PLEASE. I really don''t see how getting upset by feeling backed into a corner (on a topic that was completely changed by several posters from my original topic) portrays who I am in real life and makes me some bitter angry person. Come on now! That''s just silly. A pattern? No. I''ve been here about a year now (I''ve always been positive and nice to others) and have only gotten upset twice in the past couple of months. Why? As I''ve said, I''ve got a lot of stress right now and that just put me over the top. So I defended myself. End of story. If that''s how you want to judge and see me, so be it I guess. Unfortunate, but there is nothing more I can say about it...

As I said before, lets just let bygones be bygones. Alright? I would appreciate it. This thread wasn''t made to discuss it further, just to clarify, appologize and move on. Thanks...

Well, here is mine... I am truly sorry for sharing. I''m sorry I did not understand that once you have said your piece "Please Read" that we were supposed to just move on. I suppose the good thing is that I learn from my mistakes and I won''t make this one again.

With apologies,

Julie

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 3/10/2009 12:03:16 PM
Author: jmtomaui
Well, here is mine... I am truly sorry for sharing. I'm sorry I did not understand that once you have said your piece 'Please Read' that we were supposed to just move on. I suppose the good thing is that I learn from my mistakes and I won't make this one again.

With apologies,

Julie

oh...no no! lol! That wasn't refering to you....I actually was wrighting this post at the same time you posted to me. I said thank you for your help Julie.

See above! (or I quoted it below for you) I appreciate what you said to me...

Date: 3/10/2009 11:19:56 AM
Author: Dreamgirl

Date: 3/10/2009 11:06:24 AM
Author: happydreams


No, Dreamgirl, this post isn't about you. I'm reflecting on Julie's thoughtful post.

lol ok then! I completely understand what you all are saying. It was just a moment, not a pattern though...thank you Julie for your post, and happydreams too.

ETA- As I've mentioned, you all know how my posts have been for the past year. This just set me off. That's all! I promise!!!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Thanks italia! You know I love you....and I think everyone just followed your statement and it just wasn't stopping so I got rialed up about it. (lol!) I usually can take things with a grain of salt but with everything going on...I guess I just couldn't that time! I'm good. No worries!!

I enjoy your company and reading your posts!

 

[CNOS128]

This may be misplaced in this thread, but Italia, I really think all your posts are well thought out and crafted to help people, as you say. Every time I read one of your posts and then see your signature ("Remember to keep your words soft and sweet...") I think to myself that you really do follow that advice.

Okay, sorry for threadjack.

 

[AnthroMoon]

Date: 3/10/2009 11:06:24 AM
Author: happydreams

Date: 3/10/2009 10:18:52 AM
Author: jmtomaui


DG, I hope your BF''s grandmother is doing well. And the BF is staying safe, warm and dry as we are having blizzards in Minnesota today...

I am truly a lurker on this board and I read it every day. I have to admit that as I was reading your latest post, I had the same thoughts as Chocolate Fudge. I felt moved to respond as I am concerned about this for you. My concern comes from the fact that I too have often responded in anger over some communication and immediately felt remorse and sent out an email apologizing for my outbursts.

DG, this has caused some long term consequences for me that I work on daily. I''ve lost some friendships over these actions. It has had a big impact on my work environment. People become afraid to talk to you. They are hesitant to offer assistance or advice as they are unsure of your reaction. Everyone walks on eggshells around you. They tend to make decisions without your input as you can''t give or hear comments, suggestions in a positive way so rather than ask, they make the decision and tell you how it is going to be.

I know friendships and work are different than an internet forum where you are less likely to ''meet'' the participants but I''m afraid that your actions here do correspond to your actions in your real life. It not, I''m glad and please do everything you can to be sure that you do not fall into troubling actions. But if you do see yourself often sending out apologetic messages in your personal and professional lives, please do as I continue to do and think about talking to someone about this. I need to get over my feelings of frustration, my feelings of inferiority, my anger when I feel I''m being ''attacked'' and through journaling, a counselor, some calming techniques, trusted friends and family, I am becoming more sure of myself and my interactions with others. And it has taken me 50 years to get to this place...

Please, take this in the spirit intended. Think about it and make some decisions that are right for you.

Best wishes, Julie

WOW. What a touching note. I think it''s really great that you shared that story....it rings true because it''s a personal story and it will help others that may be in the same situation. It''s great that you''re working on your problems. I think if everyone in the world acknowledged their shortcomings and worked on it the way you do, we would live in a really happy/healthy environment.

Actually, I think everyone goes through this stage - whether it be a few days or a few years - we have acted a little irrational and people avoid you due to fear of being lashed out at. And people do avoid you or turn away....I have gone through this for a few months (years ago) at a particularly rough time and when I came out of it, I realized how wrong/crazy I was and thanked friends for sticking around and supporting me through my ''insane'' stage.

Its a process of maturing. Some people never grow up but some people continually transform themselves, learning from every experience in life.

No, Dreamgirl, this post isn''t about you. I''m reflecting on Julie''s thoughtful post.

Ditto. Great post Julie!!

 

[Dreamgirl]

I agreed. I actually enjoyed reading her post!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 3/10/2009 12:11:36 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
Thanks italia! You know I love you....and I think everyone just followed your statement and it just wasn't stopping so I got rialed up about it. (lol!) I usually can take things with a grain of salt but with everything going on...I guess I just couldn't that time! I'm good. No worries!!

I enjoy your company and reading your posts!

But DG, I still think you're missing the point...and this is not an attack...I am trying to spare you an attack...

People are entitled to their opinions...weither or not you appreciate their opinion is a different matter. When you open a thread and put it all out there, people are going to naturally comment on what they see, what they believe to be true, and also their personal history.

When I first joined PS, I posted because I had a "to gift or not to gift" question. There was one poster imparticular who jumped all over me and gave me a lot to think about. She tried to be funny at my expense...and said a lot of things that hurt my feelings, made me small, and in the end, shaped my opinion of her. At the time, I was embarassed...but looking back, I followed her advice and I have no regrets. I learned from that one experience that if you're going to pose a question or put your personal "junk" out there--you better be prepared for what may come from that. Even though, in my mind, I thought sending a gift was no brainer...this one poster changed my mind. Could I have done without the "quick wit"...absolutely...I strongly dislike people who take opportunities to make another person feel small. But, her advice was meaningful enough to change what I was planning to do. Now, over a year and half later...I still avoid that poster, but I thank her nonetheless for taking her time and weighing in and helping me.

From that one experience, I learned two things. First, how you say something matters. It doesn't take a talent to cut someone down, and you need to be thoughtful with your words because there is a real person on the other side of the computer screen. But I also learned that giving an honest opinion is helpful and does make a difference. I am forever grateful for those lessons, because they make me a better PS'er (in my opinion). I think you need to learn how to better take the good with the bad. No one that dislikes you or wishing you ill-will is going to ever tak 30+ minutes of their time to write you a posting and give you sincere advice. The advice you are lucky to receive may not always or ever be what you want to hear, but it's always coming from a good place. Remember, read the words on the page in a happy voice, how you take those words in is going to effect your preception. No one is sitting at their computer grummbling as they type to you. Also, it's okay to keep somethings private if you don't want them casting a shadow on other things...like if you don't want your relationship to be seen as battle, maybe not posting about your fights might help that.

Every woman on this page who more or less said to you today pay attention is hoping to avoid another blow up not jump down you throat. No one wants to you have hurt feelings, so gently they are all guiding you towards making healthier decision when it comes to how you react. Because when you "pop off" everyone else is going to follow your lead...and it's going to be a big melt down in a very short period of time.

 

[Dreamgirl]

No I get it. I understand it wasn''t an attack on everyones behalf. I just FELT that way at the time and probably from the stress....I do understand!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 3/10/2009 12:14:58 PM
Author: TheBigT
This may be misplaced in this thread, but Italia, I really think all your posts are well thought out and crafted to help people, as you say. Every time I read one of your posts and then see your signature (''Remember to keep your words soft and sweet...'') I think to myself that you really do follow that advice.

Okay, sorry for threadjack.

TheBigT, thank you. Really. That post means a lot to me. Thank you.