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Please help!

Nomsdeplume

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2009
Messages
1,671
My close friend just lost her FI. He was murdered.
I have been visiting and contacting her, just listening and hugging her etc. I really want to do what is best for her in this situation, and I don't want to say or do the wrong thing. I could really use some advice.
Thanks everyone.
 

zoebartlett

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2006
Messages
12,450
Hi Kribbie,

I'm so, so sorry to hear this. What horrible news, and obviously such a tragedy. I think just being there as you have been listening to your friend, offering her hugs and a shoulder to cry on is a very helpful way to let her know that you're there for her. I don't think there's really a right or wrong way to handle something like this. One person dealing with such a loss may withdraw from friends and family, while another in a similar situation may need people around to offer comfort, etc.
 

Jennifer W

Brilliant_Rock
Trade
Joined
Jun 18, 2010
Messages
1,958
What a horrible, devastating tragedy. I'm so sorry to hear this.

When my friend lost her husband (sudden death, from natural causes) all we could do was be there for her. She did not want to be alone in the house for the first weeks, and wasn't really functioning, so the crowd she hung out with created an informal rota for visiting, cooking, basic cleaning, laundry etc. She just needed to sit and cry, and needed people to facilitate that, which is what we tried to do. Your friend may need this, or something very different. I guess all you can do is ask and also pay attention to non-verbal cues. Also, what she needs and wants may change from one hour to the next, so go along with that and try to be very flexible (and forgiving, if necessary).

This is probably the worst crisis she'll ever face in her life, and crisis-survival mode is all you can really expect or want for the next few days / weeks. It will probably be a very intense time for the people supporting her, because this is an emotional injury and trauma like no other -just be there, do what she wants, listen carefully to what that is and overall just let her grieve however she needs to.

I'm so very sorry to hear of her loss, and in such appalling circumstances.
 

JewelFreak

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 3, 2009
Messages
7,768
Oh, I'm so sorry. Shock & tragedy. Experience when my father died when I was 17 taught me what people want. It sounds like you're providing it exactly: just be there. No need to try for words of wisdom; there aren't any good enough. Let her know you love her, listen whenever she needs to talk (probably will, a great deal, at some point), and be reliable -- if you say you'll do something, be sure to do it on time. She feels betrayed by the cosmos already.

You're a good friend. Dust to you both.

--- Laurie
 

Lottie

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Messages
701
I'm so sorry to hear this. You sound like you are doing the right thing already, does she have much close family?
 

Deia

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 6, 2008
Messages
735
I am so sorry this happened. Such a horrible tragedy.
 

Nomsdeplume

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2009
Messages
1,671
Lottie UK|1316790257|3023840 said:
I'm so sorry to hear this. You sound like you are doing the right thing already, does she have much close family?
She has a complicated relationship with her family, so I think her friends will provide most of the support at this stage.
 

movie zombie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 20, 2005
Messages
11,879
you are doing the right things, especially listening and just being there. not talking to fill a silent void....let it be all about what she's feeling/experiencing. i wish her a lot of strength to get through this.
 

manderz

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 8, 2010
Messages
1,539
You are certainly off to a great start at being there for her. I'm so sorry she has to go through something like this. One thing I can suggest, is don't ask, just do. The only thing she wants right now is something that no one can give her, so just take care of what she needs (food, cleaning, etc. as a precious poster suggested). Just be there for her, let her cry or talk.
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
Messages
7,485
If you live nearbly I'd pick up household staples that she doesn't have the energy to purchase on her own at the moment. Offer to come over and run her laundry, do dishes, etc. Mundane tasks that she jus can't deal with right now. Buy her a journal to provide her a private place to express what she's feeling. Check in with her. Remember that loss doesn't end when the funeral is over, she'll mourn for much longer and needs support when it seems life is going on without him, but she may be feeling like she's standing still and all alone.
 
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