Please Help ME!!!!!!!

[arthur78]

I’ve been browsing rings and have found this site very useful, but I’ve run into a problem which isn’t ring related. So there’s a lot of background: I’m in Korea working on a 5 month assignment and my girlfriend is back in the States. I’m 3 months of the way through and have 2 months to go. My girlfriend is in MBA school and we’ve been dating for 2 years. Due to her school and my work we can't see each other until I get back. Since my girlfriend, 24, was quite busy with school anyway and they offered me some decent money to go, away I went. However, now my girlfriend has been increasingly sad and lonely. She doesn’t have any quality friends there and her family is far away. That coupled with lots of school pressures, has made her become rather depressed. Three weeks ago, she went to the doctor, and of course the first thing they do is write her a prescription for an anti-depressant, Paxil. I think anti-depressants are too over prescribed. I think they should be reserved for people who are depressed without having any reason. I’ve seen two girls on them and they completely changed for the worse, including both cheating on their boyfriends. I’ve read that they have a lot of bad side effects and horrible withdrawal symptoms. There are a lot of horrible “paxil” (or similar anti-depressant) stories about it on the net with people relating their sad stories and pleading not to take the drug. So I tried to get her to do other things to pick her spirits up and tried to get her to see some counselling, which she did, but every professional seems to want to push these drugs.

However, she is still sad and cries all the time. I’ve suggested several things (being around people more, studying in the library instead of home, etc), but I only get yeses and she doesn’t do any of them. I wanted her to be “pro-active” instead of sitting and feeling sorry for herself. She ends up crying a lot more and claims if she could help herself she would. I’ve never seen this behaviour in her before but I know things are stacked against her now. I know and she knows that she will be fine in two months when I get home, but she insists she needs the anti-depressants to get her over hump since she will have exams and has found it very hard to study and concentrate. Since she wants to take anti-depressants when times are a bit hard to make yourself feel better, what’s the difference between that and taking methamphetamines to make yourself feel better in tough times? Or drinking? So why risk all of the aforementioned problems instead of trying to make a good faith effort to tough out two more months? I’ve tried to think “what’s best for her in a year’s time.” She might have lots of problems from the drug and in a year, just wish she toughed out the two months. I’ve talked to her parents and they agree with me 100%.

However, last night she told me she started taking them. Now I’m upset and don’t know what to do? She wants me to be supportive of her, but I find it hard to be supportive when she is doing something that I believe is inherently wrong for her. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared that our relationship will fall apart like the other girls did. If that doesn’t happen, I’m worried that she’s going to have problems from the drug and then I’ll partially suffer the consequences of that drug (having to work the problems out with her). I’m a little upset about her weaker character (she wants to take drugs to make herself feel better to get her through a tough time). I’m afraid I’ll be dealing with lots of depression problems in the future. I was planning on proposing right when I got back, but now I’m worried.

You might be wondering why I am writing this on the net? I’m really not too comfortable talking to my friends or family about it, because I don’t want them to think she is a basketcase. Sometimes complete strangers have offer impartial advice. Should I be completely supportive? Should I take this as a warning or a red flag and delay a proposal until I’m certain she’s of stronger mental health? Does anyone have any better experience with these drugs? Please help.

 

[fire&ice]

I wish I could help. But, I can't. I would suggest speaking to someone close or to a professional. Good luck.

 

[Nicrez]

That is such a sad story, and an awful predicament for you both. I have never had any experience with anti-depressants, nor do I know anything that can help with side effects, but I can say that there are certain drugs that can depress you, as much as circumstances.

I too had been on a type of medication at one point (though I am NOT a medicine person, and believe in sleeping off, relaxing and drinking teas for headaches, stomach aches, and severed limbs) I became depressed 9as they said the side effects would happen) and gained 10-15 pounds, which depressed me even more. It was a never ending spiral of depression where you have no energy, you look worse, you don't care, but you are miserable for it, so you go out less, further depressing yourself.

In such cases as hers, she needs a jolt. A kick start to get her up. School is immutable, as is where she is. What is she could go somewhere that is safe and comfrotable for a vacation? If finances allow, maybe even a dog to keep her company and get her out of the house, even just to walk him? My depression kicked in when it was coldest in NY, so add depressing weather and coldness (which I HATE!) made it worse. Is she in warm weather? I suggest outside activities, like hiking, white water rafting, etc. She needs SOMETHING to get her mind busy and her blood flowing.

It's certainly not your job to pick her up, it's hers, but you are such a wonderful boyfriend to be so concerned and proactive on her part. You can sometimes be supportive by being tough too. Don't let her fall in victim mode, it's TOO comfrotable! Tell her that she MUST do something productive physically or mentally and she should NOT take medicine to fix an internal emotional problem. Perhaps sending her letters and notes to cheer her up a bit.

The body of the work ahead is hers. She needs to understand that a chemical dependancy could very well be dangerous, as the side effects could impact her for years to come. She needs to try to get her life together and it's a hard thing to do, but maybe she can channel herself into positive things like hobbies, and meeting people, writing, being creative, etc...

I understand depression, but sadly, it requires a very strong determination to make that first step, but it DOES get easier, when you try to find the good in things everyday...one day at a time! Good luck and I will pray for you both!

 

[strmrdr]

All I can say is that if I was in your position and I really love her I walk thru the fires of hell to get to her side if I had to.
Id be there and not in 2 months either.

Im going to leave it at that.

 

[glitterata]

Depression is a serious illness. It's not a sign of a weak character. It's not something that the person can just choose to get over. Telling a seriously depressed person to just pull herself together is like telling someone with a broken leg to just walk.

It sounds from what you wrote as if you're more worried about yourself than about your girlfriend. You're afraid she'll take drugs and they'll make her cheat on you. You're afraid you'll be stuck with the "consequences" of the drugs. You're afraid you'll be stuck with someone who has a weak character. I think you need to take a hard look at how committed you really are to your girlfriend. If your relationship falls apart because of this, it may not be because of the drugs' effects--it may be because this crisis showed both of you that you're not able to support her in the decisions she makes about her own life, and that you see her suffering not as a painful experience of hers, but as a reflection on you.

I don't know your girlfriend, and I'm not a doctor, so I can't say whether this drug will help her. However, if every professional she's been to thinks it will, why do you assume they're wrong?

I've had many friends and family members who've taken various antidepressants; sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't. I know that several of the people I love the most wouldn't be alive today without antidepressents.

Making a lifelong commitment to someone who suffers chronically from depression is a very serious thing. It may turn out that this is just a passing thing with your girlfriend; it might turn out to be something deeper and more long-term. You're right to think hard about it before you decide whether to marry her. But I also think you need to find out much more about depression, so that you can understand what your girlfriend is going through and what your own reactions to it are all about.

Love and strength to both of you to get you through this difficult time.

 

[Mara]

Hmm what a tale! I would tend to agree that if she is seriously depressed, it would be hard to pull herself out of it without some serious interference, which you are not there to phyiscally be able to give her.




However, I'm very curious about how she got there in the first place. It does speak volumes that some basic stress and loneliness turns so easily to depression. It does speak to the future together with you and her. If you have children in the future, and the pressures are too great, will she get depressed then? I think this entire scenario requires some extra research on everyone's part.




Honestly. I've done alot on my own in my life, and that includes pulling myself out of some troubling and/or depressing times. It always concerns me when people rely heavily on other people in terms of making them happy, needy if you will. People should be strong enough to survive on their own and not REQUIRE other people to make them happy. I would hope you have been dating long enough to really know this girl, and know that this IS or IS NOT part of her character...it is possible that for whatever reason she now has a chemical imbalance which is causing this, which sometimes medications can assist in fixing. The others have great points in terms of ...can you deal with this long term? That is something to ask yourself. You mentioned proposing right away when you get back. I would take it alot slower. Obviously this is a new facet to your relationship and you are right to have some basic doubts about longevity....a marriage is not just considering yourself, but rather considering another person as well as yourself. It's not just one, it will always be two. Her problems will be yours. Plus I don't think adding a proposal and starting a new life with her right now would even be an option. There is some legwork and rebuilding that needs to happen.




Can you fly home for a visit, even a few days, and help her out? Research some local programs that she could get involved in, call up her doctor and speak with him on the phone. Tell them your aversity to medication (which I can understand, I am hugely like this as well...), and find out other ways she can work around this. Then come for the visit, and get as involved as possible during that time with her. If you can get her into a program, or get a family member to visit, etc...you may be able to make some sort of difference that can get her through the next 2 months until you return.




It's so unfortunate that she can't seem to really jump start herself to get going on making herself better and you aren't around to assist. That she has no one to help her. See what you can do remotely, and also if you can take some time to come and assist. You may not want to get her family involved, is there one best friend who can come take a trip as well to assist? It may not even need to be a long term thing, just a visit. These may be the things that could jolt her out of her depressive state, and let her know there ARE other options than just drugs. MANY people can get over things with will-power and activity. Laying around crying will never make a thing better. Honestly. If she is still rational, she *must* know that. How is her MBA program going? Maybe she should take a break and get a job...just something to keep her occupied. I know she TELLS you that she will do things but if she doesn't, and you really feel that you must help, then get seriously involved.




Bottom line though, I wouldn't 'blame' medication for anything. People make their own choices. The internet is a good thing, but its not always the best. You can read some horror stories on the internet which are just one person's twisted view of how things happen. So please, STOP READING the stories, they will only freak you out. I highly doubt your gal will just go bad and cheat on your because she's taking meds. But it does sound like she needs some assistance here to get through this time, AND you need to figure out what this means for the future and how she got here in the first place.




Good luck!

 

[arthur78]

Well first she started getting stressed, but then it turned into her being a hypochondriac. She would think that she was going to get some sort of cancer “not today, but in ten or fifteen years.” Rational thoughts didn’t work and medical advice only provided temporary reassurance. She’s not like this all the time though. She would have good and bad days. On a good day, she’ll think how silly she’s been. On a bad, there will be no rational reasoning with her. When she calls, sometimes I brace myself because I don’t know what mood she will be in.

I’m not sure how much help coming for a visit would actually be. I want to but there’s many concerns. Her aunt came for a week, and while she was there she was just fine. But as soon as her aunt left, she was back in a rut.

I’ve decided to be supportive as anything probably has to be better than crying for 4 hours thinking you will get cancer… can’t be any good either. Perhaps the positives will outweigh the negatives, though I’m still nervous about negative behavioural changes. I’ll just have to trust her and the man upstairs. Thanks for all of your help.

 

[glitterata]

That sounds as if she's having serious problems with anxiety.

Again, I can't stress enough--this isn't about being weak and too lazy to pull herself together. It's a real illness.

I'm glad she's seeing a counsellor as well as taking medication. If I were you (or her family), I would try my hardest to convince her to find a really good therapist and stick with it, even if she feels better after you come home.

All the best to both of you.

 

[Nicrez]

I have to say something and I know it won't be well received. I believe in illnesses and I believe they are an awful thing to go through, but I also believe in the power of the human spirit. A child eats too much and it's an illness. A person doesn't want to get up in the morning because they hate their job and it's an illness. Take drugs for headaches to overexcessive giggling...It's silly.

I was raised in a drug induced society where if anything was wrong, don't figure out WHY it's happening, figure how to control it with meds. NO!!!! I believe that if a body can be created from a sperm and an egg with little to no assictance and the body can heal so many times over, that the body truly is a miraculous machine. As such, it is NOT accustomed to all the scores of medicines we pump into it. It reacts accordingly. Either the toloerance to these drugs goes up, or side effects later on come out...like cancer and such. Makse sense to me.

So she has been good when family was over...It can mostly be explained because she isn't thinking about how awful her life is. She has company and the mind is busy and distracted, as well as putting on a smile for others makes her feel slightly better herself. I say there are two ways to deal with this:

One: Figure out the SOURCE. She should write down the issues she is having and try to trace them to their source. Example: I have no money because I am in school. I can't get a full-time job yet, so can I get a part-time job. Yes: I can have more money to pay bills. Go find job. No: I can't afford that time away from studying, I must ACCEPT my level and sacrifice for a while. I am not one to coddle, even with myself. If there is a problem and you don't like something, you FIX IT. Strength is something you aren't always born with. It means doing things that are so against your nature, but are better for your in the long run, even if it's painful now. it's sacrificing comfort and pride, and being logical about your problems then proactively solving them.

Second: You can literally for the time being have her start occupying her mind and willing herself (she can only do this, not you) to be come a more hapy person. People buy so many do it yourself books because they have the hope that they are strong enough to do it. Those people who try achieve much more than those who blame it on something. THose who say, it's not my fault...It's genetics, etc. Genetics dictates some people to be alcoholics, but I know someone who never touched the stuff and that act has made him break his "genetic predisposition", and he's NEVER been drunk. Diabetics, obese, etc, they all work on controling and having the power over their minds and bodies. This is not impossible, just difficult. any of those people do this on their own, but many have someone support and positive to help them through it.

I suggest that for you, you call her and write to her. Be positive and reassure her that the meds are not needed, all she needs are mental distractions until she feels happy enough or strong enough to work her issues through. Believe in her and give her your heart and ears, if you do truly think you love her. I think you do, and I assure you the things a human spirit is capable of are tremendous, especially when you have someone to love you unconditionally and support your progress.

As she tries, commend her. Tell her you are always there for her, to close her eyes and see you there. To feel how much you care for her, that she can be strong. Tell her that is a strong person,a nd believe it or not, force her to smile more. "the best way to be happy is just to start smiling" Try physcial activites, which gets the blood flowing and the endomorphines of the body react well with the increase! Tell her to believe in herself like you do, and literally, as hard as it is, give her the space to grow herself, but always stay with her in a positive light. Even if you start getting depressed (as often happens) fight it, and don't let it effect you!

You can do it, and so can she. Will power is the best motivator, just like a mother who can lift up a car to rescue her baby. Just like people can heal themselves of illnesses by positive thinking, good health and exercise and meditation. Honestly, I have been through this (with MANY problems), and it is a small stage of life that CAN be overcome without jeopardizing your health with medication. Good Luck and I hope you can write back soon and let us know your progress!!!

 

[glitterata]

Well, Nicrez, that might work for some people. It's possible it might even work for this woman. But for many people, that approach will just make things worse.

If it has any hope of working, the people "helping" can't be secretly blaming her for her problems. If the people who you count on to support and help you are instead telling you that you're weak and lazy, you find yourself believing them.

And if she has any of several mental illnesses, preventing her from taking the proper medications could kill her. Really. I have friends and family members who would be dead now if not for their medications.

 

[Mara]

At this point everyone is generalizing things...I mean honestly we have no idea what kind of trouble this gal is really in. Whether she is really actually *clinically* depressed or just feeling kind of blue. The fact that she can function and appear normal when guests are around is interesting...I wouldn't think that if she were absolutely horribly depressed that she could hide it for people who are close to her? Possibly she's not quite that bad yet.




I agree with Nic that willpower is a HUGE medication on it's own. I have seen this work as well. But if you don't have that willpower, where does the medication come in? The proper doctor is very important as well, you have to find a doctor that DOES NOT just throw meds at you on the first opportunity. They are out there. Then work with them to see what you can do on your own without meds. There ARE treatments. But if that does not work, medications are definitely an option. However, I firmly believe in trying on your own until you can't try anymore. Some people have the mentality of 'well why bother trying when meds can just make it better'. But that is not always the case. Sometimes the meds make it worse.




The first line of defense is a good doctor who can really gauge what needs to be done and over what timeline. Sounds like this gal probably needs to keep looking for that great doctor...