planning without a budget??

[cocolaw]

I''m in such a frusterating position. My mother is divorced and has a hard time making ends meet. But she offered to pay for the wedding, i think, because she feels obligated to because of tradition. I am trying to keep the costs low, but she will not discuss a budget with me. She is out of touch with how much things cost and she maintains that she can afford to give us a nice wedding. She does not want my fiance or me to help with the costs of the wedding, not out of principle, but because she wants us to save money for a house and to pay off student loans. We are marrying in a remote location with limited vendors. Photographers range from about 2500 with the average being 4 or 5000 in this area. The same is true for everythign else. My fiance''s family told us that they would help out, but they did not tell us when or how much. We got engaged about a month ago and are going to get married in November. I feel like I need to start booking some vendors before they are full, but I don''t know what budget I''m working with!! I just need to vent!!

 

[neatfreak]

I say start to pick out vendors, then sit down with your mom and go over them and how much they charge, etc. Once she understands how much these things cost these days she likely will lay down a budget or be more willing to let others help out.

 

[noelwr]

I would plan it around what YOU can afford. you don''t want to end up way over your head just because your mother was thinking you''d have a less costly wedding or that your in laws said they wanted to help but they weren''t thinking that you''d spend THAT much...

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I would just ask...that way you can be realistic with planning....

 

[musey]

Date: 1/15/2009 2:10:05 PM
Author: noelwr
I would plan it around what YOU can afford. you don''t want to end up way over your head just because your mother was thinking you''d have a less costly wedding or that your in laws said they wanted to help but they weren''t thinking that you''d spend THAT much...

+1. It''s impossible to plan without a budget, so you have to pull a completely realistic number from somewhere. The only way to do that is to plan on what you can afford yourself... any extra will just be gravy, then. Right?

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 1/15/2009 2:47:07 PM
Author: musey

Date: 1/15/2009 2:10:05 PM

Author: noelwr

I would plan it around what YOU can afford. you don''t want to end up way over your head just because your mother was thinking you''d have a less costly wedding or that your in laws said they wanted to help but they weren''t thinking that you''d spend THAT much...

+1. It''s impossible to plan without a budget, so you have to pull a completely realistic number from somewhere. The only way to do that is to plan on what you can afford yourself... any extra will just be gravy, then. Right?

+2 - I know your mom means well, but its better not to rely on something like that, especially if, as you say, she is out of touch with how much things really cost.

 

[marchswallowbird]

I would second Neatfreak''s suggestion. Given your situation, it''s the only way to do it.

 

[katamari]

Date: 1/15/2009 1:19:11 PM
Author: neatfreak
I say start to pick out vendors, then sit down with your mom and go over them and how much they charge, etc. Once she understands how much these things cost these days she likely will lay down a budget or be more willing to let others help out.

Agreed. But, I also think that, particularly since the budget isn''t clear, you should include several vendors so that she can see the range. I love research and organization, but I would make a spreadsheet of vendors of interest that includes cost, services, and pro/con lists. That way she can see not just how much things cost but how much impact cost will have on the overall feel of the wedding. An honest conversation could do the same, but I agree with other posters that these aren''t things you can just know so setting budgets are very hard.

I also think you should talk with her about your feelings about contributing. Do you and FI want to contribute? Particularly if you know your mother might have to overextend herself to pay for the wedding, you could also either insist you are paying for x, y, and z, or strategically leave things off the list and just pay for them yourself.

 

[FrekeChild]

I so feel your pain. We''ve been engaged for almost a month and no budget in sight.

And this is with a lot of harassment of my father. However I''ve been doing what I can, which includes DIY STDs, buying shoes, buying earrings, and trying to think outside the box. Oh, and putting together a preliminary guest list.

If we had to plan around our budget, we''d be married at the courthouse already, because we can''t afford anything. But my dad would kill me if we did that...

 

[sba771]

Are we twins? I am in the same situation with the whole no budget and mom being divorced thing. In my case, my wedding being 2 years away (from today actually

) I know my mom has been hesitant to give a number because of all the stock market issues and I know she has lost some money. Since she won''t really give me a number I have looked into vendors and different things and then gaged her response when I tell her the price and then I try to ask what else she thinks we will have to pay for and how much she thinks it will cost. It usually starts the ball rolling and I am able to walk away with a little more of the budget each time. I do however agree with other people to plan what you can afford because who knows what can happen between now and then. The FI and I are also making sure we have some money set aside- just in case.

 

[cocolaw]

so many good ideas!! Thanks!! and SBA.....so good to hear someone else is in the same position. its such a difficult conversation to have, and I''ve tried. im just really going cheap on things and it seems to be working so far. I just do NOT want to compromise on the photographer..this is one thing that is very important to me. I am going to tell fiance''s parents that that would be a great thing to pay for if they want to help with something big.