PISSED at BF

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

This must be a day for SOs to invite the wrath of the women in their lives. I am so unhappy with BF right now, I can't speak. To make it short, I really dislike it when he drinks, because it never stops with just one. We've had many conversations about this, and nothing has really happened.

Tonight, he goes and gets a drink. It's freaking Wednesday night and we have class tomorrow morning. We get into another argument - he tells me that I don't give him the benefit of the doubt when I say that I don't want him to drink because it's not just going to be one. I told him, fine, then, prove me wrong. Prove that you can have just ONE drink and no more. He said he would, he promised just one.

Well, he just got himself another drink!

His words, "oh but we decided an hour ago not to go to our morning class" (yes we did, but that's not the point). The point, as I told him, was that he promised me one, he promised to try, and oh what happened???

I'm really really pissed - I told him fine, drink, but don't expect my trust on this anymore. You've lost it.

 

[jewelerman]

Date: 1/15/2009 12:37:46 AM
Author:Brown.Eyed.Girl
This must be a day for SOs to invite the wrath of the women in their lives. I am so unhappy with BF right now, I can''t speak. To make it short, I really dislike it when he drinks, because it never stops with just one. We''ve had many conversations about this, and nothing has really happened.

Tonight, he goes and gets a drink. It''s freaking Wednesday night and we have class tomorrow morning. We get into another argument - he tells me that I don''t give him the benefit of the doubt when I say that I don''t want him to drink because it''s not just going to be one. I told him, fine, then, prove me wrong. Prove that you can have just ONE drink and no more. He said he would, he promised just one.

Well, he just got himself another drink!

His words, ''oh but we decided an hour ago not to go to our morning class'' (yes we did, but that''s not the point). The point, as I told him, was that he promised me one, he promised to try, and oh what happened???

I''m really really pissed - I told him fine, drink, but don''t expect my trust on this anymore. You''ve lost it.

Im sorry that you are having this diffeculty in your relationship....there are enough rough spots in a relationship without the problems created by drinking...i wish you luck with this topic in your relationship...you have every right to be upset when he promises something and then blows you off as if your concerns arnt legitimate or important...it says something about his lack of respect for you in general.If he cant/wont care to keep the small promises then what will happen when there is something really important at stake when his promise is expected and true follow though is needed.
p/s...stop skipping class!

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Thank you Jewelerman for your kind words. They mean a lot.

Unfortunately, things escalated and this went on to become a full-fledged fight. i''m feeling awful. I don''t think we''re actually resolving anything, I''m afraid this isnt going to end and we''re going to continue to fight years down the line. I''m feeling like I''m not as important a priority, that I won''t be the one chosen if it comes to an ultimatum, and I just don''t know what to do.

 

[Pandora II]

Please sort the alcohol issue out before you think about getting engaged/married.

I dated/lived with an ex for 7 years. When we met I thought he drank a little more than was normal, but we were at college and ''everyone'' seemed to drink a bit too much.

The problem grew and grew until the point where he was opening beer for breakfast 5 years down the line.

I became very hard line on acceptable drinking for men who wanted to date me. When I met my husband he was practically teetotal and neither of us drink much at all - the odd glass of wine or liqueur after dinner.

It is a fine line between normal social drinking and drinking that is beginning to be a problem, and it is very easy to be made to feel that you are a nag or over-reacting etc

But, for you it is a problem - and so your bf needs to wise up and sort things out.

For me, living with an alcoholic for all those years and putting up with the issues that ultimately go with it (having to pick him up from bars because he was too drunk to get home, paying all the rent/bills etc because he had drunk all the money, living with the fights and eventual violence). Trust me, it was not worth it and I only wish I had left years earlier.

I''m not saying that your bf is at these levels - but neither would anyone have said that about my ex in the first couple of years. Just be careful and put your own needs first.

 

[Tuckins1]

Wow, sorry that you are dealing with this! I know first hand how hard it can be to date someone with a drinking/drug problem. (A person has a problem if he/she cannot control their use, or control their behavior while using. It''s also a problem if it is impacting areas of their life in a negative way.) My ex was an alcoholic, and it was TERRIBLE!! He never had money for rent, bills, etc..., but he always had money to go to the bar, and buy everybody rounds... Every night!! I ended up breaking up with him (there were MANY reasons, but the drinking was toward the top of the list) and it was the best decision I have ever made!! I''m not saying that you need to break up with your boyfriend, but if you find yourself unhappy more that you are happy, or if you are crying on a regular basis... Please get out!!

 

[allycat0303]

Ugh. I''ve had this fight in the past, too many times to count. Sometimes with pre-set drink limits we set BEFORE going to a party. I feel you. It made me feel the exact same way. Were his friends around? This would always influence my fiance''s conduct too. I don''t know what to tell you except *HUGS* My guy eventually got it, but just the thought of having to go through this again makes me feel sick in my stomach.

You''ll work it through, but it will probably come up again in the future.

I don''t know why they promise and then break it. I assume it''s because they didn''t mean what they promised anyways in the beginning. Or they JUST DON''T get the promise in the first place.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Alcohol issues are a big deal, and for many people--a deal breaker.

Are you frusterated with the fact that he drinks in general, or how he acts when he drinks? How old is he? Some younger guys (like 25 and under) still consider drinking to be a novelty and the bar scene is how they enjoy spending their time--they socialize, watch sports, check out girls...for most, I like to believe, the bar scene and heavy drinking wears off and gets old...others, become raging alcoholics.

I''m sorry your BF is putting drinking first, big hugs.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 1/15/2009 2:20:23 AM
Author: Brown.Eyed.Girl


Unfortunately, things escalated and this went on to become a full-fledged fight. i''m feeling awful. I don''t think we''re actually resolving anything, I''m afraid this isnt going to end and we''re going to continue to fight years down the line. I''m feeling like I''m not as important a priority, that I won''t be the one chosen if it comes to an ultimatum, and I just don''t know what to do.

BEG, this speaks volumes about what is going on in your relationship, and it''s not just about alcohol, which is a serious enough issue. Please talk to him about how you feel, and why, calmly and rationally and if you are still left feeling this way consider taking a step back from your relationship to sort out your feelings. I''m so very sorry you feel so ignored and unimportant in your relationship, your feeling, thoughts, opinions, and concerns should matter to him.

 

[tlh]

Date: 1/15/2009 9:37:24 AM
Author: KimberlyH

Date: 1/15/2009 2:20:23 AM
Author: Brown.Eyed.Girl


Unfortunately, things escalated and this went on to become a full-fledged fight. i''m feeling awful. I don''t think we''re actually resolving anything, I''m afraid this isnt going to end and we''re going to continue to fight years down the line. I''m feeling like I''m not as important a priority, that I won''t be the one chosen if it comes to an ultimatum, and I just don''t know what to do.

BEG, this speaks volumes about what is going on in your relationship, and it''s not just about alcohol, which is a serious enough issue. Please talk to him about how you feel, and why, calmly and rationally and if you are still left feeling this way consider taking a step back from your relationship to sort out your feelings. I''m so very sorry you feel so ignored and unimportant in your relationship, your feeling, thoughts, opinions, and concerns should matter to him.

KimberlyH just says it best.
***DITTO***

HUGS!!!

 

[Lauren8211]

Can I ask why you don''t want him having two or more drinks?

I understand he broke a promise, but why was the promise there in the first place? What exactly about his drinking is bothering you?

Not trying to call you out or anything - just curious what is exactly bothering you about it so maybe I can have an answer.

 

[Bia]

Date: 1/15/2009 6:17:18 AM
Author: Pandora II

Please sort the alcohol issue out before you think about getting engaged/married.

Ditto!

If he likes to drink a lot, and you don''t, that in itself will cause problems (bigger, more serious problems) in the future. I''m not saying he drinks a lot, because I don''t know if he does, but I have seen what alcohol (and drugs) can do to a relationship. Sort it out. Make sure you''re on the same page before you seriously consider marriage.

Good luck sweetie

 

[monarch64]

If you give someone an ultimatum, like saying "if you can''t just have one drink this relationship is not going to work out because you''ve lost my trust" you have to be prepared to follow through and walk away. He''s not having to deal with the consequences you''re telling him will happen because you''re not following through, you''re just threatening him and fighting, but ultimately letting the behavior continue. Why would you continue a relationship where there is no trust, anyway? You can''t control your BF''s behavior, whether it''s his drinking or anything else...but you can control your own and if you don''t want to be with someone who isn''t able to just have one drink, if that is actually a deal-breaker to you, then why not end it now and stop making both parties in the relationship miserable over the issue?

 

[jewelerman]

i very much agree!acceptance of this behavior early on will create bigger problems later....thats why people date...so they know if the person is someone they want to marry...conflict can be good (remember this is coming from a recent communication major)in that it is supposed to create communication and then solutions to exsisting problems...when issues arnt talked about they become resentments.Why should your boyfriend change?He has nothing to loose when breaking his promises.You need a long sit down talk to let him know what you want and expect and why...please dont consider marrying or having children with a man who drinks to much...if he refuses to limit his drinking to just one as you have requested(not a big demand)then i could be that he does have a problem and cant say no to just one more...dont stay with a man who picks a second drink over your respect and the relationship.