Perspective needed (home remodel stress)

[mrs jam]

A snapshot of my life right now.

 

[AV_]

I can understand why this design got so loved,

& still would tamper with the white box!

 

[mrs jam]

Our cat is also in a cast and on crate restriction. He dislocated his tarsal joint 6 weeks ago. We’ve got two more weeks to go. It will significantly help my sanity to not have to worry about cast bandage changes and to not be meowed out to be let out of his crate.

 

[mrs jam]

Our kitchen/laundry room for the last 10 months. This is why I’ve turned into a biznatch.

 

[mrs jam]

porcelanosa

I can understand why this design got so loved,

& still would tamper with the white box!

We went round and round on that white box. We finally found a material we both really like that can handle the heat generated by the fireplace. It’s called porcelenosa, and the one we chose has a kind of marble pattern to it.

 

[caf]

Mrs. Jam - I just wanted to say your dogs and the cat are so cute. Their expressions are perfect -- like enough of this remodel. Keep the faith. Sorry.

 

[mrs jam]

Make your husband watch "The Money Pit" (Tom Hanks, Shelley Long, 1986) with you. You'll both get a good laugh and perhaps it will grease the wheels to have a lighter-hearted conversation about all of this. It's available on Amazon Prime video.

I love that movie! As long as we steer clear of War of the Roses territory, we’ll be ok

 

[mrs jam]

Mrs. Jam - I just wanted to say your dogs and the cat are so cute. Their expressions are perfect -- like enough of this remodel. Keep the faith. Sorry.

Oh, they are so DONE. I think a large part of what is really wearing on my soul is that the simple acts of potty and play breaks are such a tedious process due to the stairs. The Great Dane is very slow and cautious going down the stairs, and I make sure I walk in front of him in case he stumbles. Waiting on him is like waiting on a slow bus. The German Pointer still thinks he’s in his prime and would try to fly down the stairs if I let him. I have to hold his harness while we go down the stairs to keep him in check. One small dog can go up and down the stairs by herself with no problems, but I have to carry the other one down. Going back up is another process. I have to do a push/lift combo to get the Dane started, all the while hanging on to the pointer’s harness to keep him from bum rushing the Dane. If I send the pointer up first, he’ll try to fly back down while I’m giving the Dane a boost. The two little dogs can both thankfully navigate going up the stairs independently. It’s my own special circle of hell that I get to experience about a dozen times a day.

 

[Austina]

I’m not surprised you’re at the end of your tether, I know I couldn’t live like that for a couple of weeks, let alone months. I’m glad you and your husband have discussed the situation and it’s getting resolved. I’m sorry about the break in, some people are so scummy.

 

[OoohShiny]

I think the garage break in is an excellent open up for your conversation with your husband. Yes, there was a death in the family, but life can't just stop for that. He said that your home will be a priority, it's obviously not, and now because of his inaction, a theft occurred.
If it were me, I would give him two options.
1) Get back here and finish your fireplace or
2) I am changing the design of the fireplace to complete the reno without you so he can focus his energy elsewhere.
It is not fair to you or your animals that he and his mother have decided to F off and do some random project and leave you in the dust (literally probably!).

I strongly disagree with this sentiment - one cannot control a third parties' actions, and the OP and her husband have not laid their belongings out on the front lawn with a big sign saying 'Take me!!'.

People should not be committing crime - to lay blame and responsibility for criminal activity at the victims' door is not the correct course of action.

To do so implies that burglary is acceptable because you shouldn't have nice stuff that might be seen through a window or seen by a visitor to the door / a tradesperson, or because you didn't fit big enough locks / a burglar alarm / board up your windows when you are away.

And to extend the logic... it implies that rape is acceptable if the victim was 'looking pretty' on a night out or had enjoyed a glass or two of wine.

Your slippery slope argument is invalid. There is absolutely no similarity to a cement mixer being stolen and a rape. One is a thing. One is a person. YOU are the person that is making that analogy, and it is completely and irrevocably incorrect, and I'd caution you to never compare a human being to an inanimate object again.

The OP even stated she was worried about this being a possibility with the extended delay. I'm glad that the OP and her husband worked it out

It was not my intention to in any way imply that an object is the same as a human being - if that is the way it read, I failed to convey the argument I was attempting to make.

If my wording was clumsy and unintentionally provocative, I apologise.

My assertion is that no person should be taken advantage of, full stop, and that when someone does take advantage of another person in a vulnerable position, the blame for that act should not lie with the victim, regardless of the nature or severity of the act.

It was on that basis that I was disagreeing with your original post - i.e. it was not mrs jam's husband's fault they were burgled, it was the fault of the criminal that took advantage of the situation.

One should be able to leave personal possessions wherever one chooses without someone else stealing them. One should also not have to fear assault by a third party when in a vulnerable state. The two situations are, of course, not same thing at all, but as above, I would argue that the underlying principle is the same.

 

[OoohShiny]

A snapshot of my life right now.

That looks bigger than my old apartment! (and probably a lot of inner city apartments!) lol

 

[mrs jam]

That looks bigger than my old apartment! (and probably a lot of inner city apartments!) lol

I know, I know; everything is relative. But when you’re living in an apartment, the amount of stuff you own is also a lot less. Most of our things are being stored away at a storage unit, but I admit I’ve been doing some shopping for the house for when it’s finished and finding little corners to stash it away, like a squirrel with shiny new acorns. Part of my thinking has been why bother to drive it down to the storage unit when I’m just going to be driving back to get it again when the remodel is complete. This was before I knew we would be looking at living like this for over a year, since we’re at the 10 month mark now.

We also wouldn’t have four dogs and a cat if we were living in an apartment. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how I can make the situation more liveable for the next couple of months, and really, it all comes down to the dogs and how difficult it is to get them up and down in order to get them in and out. And that’s the one thing we can’t change as we’re certainly not going to put them in boarding for months. They are my children and my number one priority, so I’m just going to have to suck up my frustration and motivate my husband in the firmest but also kind wat possible to stay on this until it’s D-O-N-E.

I feel terrible writing this, but the garage break-in has turned out to be a positive thing, in my eyes. Well, other than having to buy a new cement mixer to get the freaking fireplace done! It’s cheaper than having to rent one every time he works on the fireplace. It was a real eye-opener for my husband, and it prompted him to start the conversation on his own, which helped a lot of my anger and resentment to fade away. Hopefully, this feeling can last (at least) another 2 months

 

[mrs jam]

As I was walking the dogs this morning, one of the neighbors asked me if our contractor had quit on us since she hasn’t seen any work crews at our house in several weeks. I told her to ask my husband about it

 

[OoohShiny]

I feel terrible writing this, but the garage break-in has turned out to be a positive thing, in my eyes. Well, other than having to buy a new cement mixer to get the freaking fireplace done! It’s cheaper than having to rent one every time he works on the fireplace. It was a real eye-opener for my husband, and it prompted him to start the conversation on his own, which helped a lot of my anger and resentment to fade away. Hopefully, this feeling can last (at least) another 2 months

There is the school of thought that says 'everything happens for a reason' If the cost of moving forward with minimal hassle is the price of a cement mixer, that's probably a pretty good deal!

Either way, I'm glad you are making positive progress and hope the break-in does not unduly affect your feeling of security and homeliness

May things finish quickly and with minimal hassle!

 

[mrs-b]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. This is all wonde%ful advice. Thankfully, we do have an area of the yard that we fenced in to make a dog run where the dogs can go potty while the workers are here. I could not have survived this otherwise. For a few days while they were putting on the new roof, I had to leash everyone up to take them to the park across the street every time they needed to go potty, and I thought I would lose my mind!

I burn candles to add come coziness to our living quarters upstairs, and that really helps. We don’t have enough room for a full-size Christmas tree since we’re also surrounded by storage boxes, but I’ve got little Christmas vignettes set up on the TV console. Our upstairs has a lot of windows, and that helps a lot. It would be claustrophobic otherwise.

Cooking is not an issue as I have no kitchen!! We’ve got a fridge, washer, dryer, and microwave set up in an area downstairs that is separated from the rest of the house. I’m actually dreaming of the day I can make homemade meals in the new kitchen.

Another thing that helps is I have an amazing bathtub upstairs. The other night I took a long soak with a bag of Doritos, and I felt relatively human again

I totally heard everything you said here. We got a new roof also as part of our renos and had to keep the dogs locked inside to avoid the falling tiles. And yes, because of that, we had to do the toilet-on-lead thing also. This was one of my "I HATE MY LIFE!!" moments during our process.

But..."bath". Awesome. Good luck!

 

[mrs jam]

I can’t thank you all enough for letting me vent here and giving me such constructive feedback. It has really helped me take a kinder and gentler (yet still determined) approach with my husband as far as our timeline goes. I would feel truly terrible right now if I had gone off on a rage.

 

[Indylady]

ETA: Oops, I realized now that you've solved the issue. I'm so glad!! Sounds like things are off to a good direction, and I'm happy for you, the hubby, the dogs, and your MIL .

When people lose family members, a strong need arises for the rest of the family to be near to one another. Your MIL probably needs her son right now. Her husband just died. Your husband’s father just died. Is there any way you can give them some time to breathe and to reflect on what’s happened?

I realize your husband is doing a plumbing project for MIL but the fact that she can afford to hire someone and is choosing to have her son do it instead tells me she wants him around.

+1. I'd defer to giving your hubby and MIL some leeway to get through this difficult time. I agree, she probably just wants your hubby to be around.

I understand why you are frustrated--it sounds like you're really cramped and I'd also hate to be sleeping in a place I didn't feel totally secure. If I don't feel 'safe' I can't sleep at all. Right now, I'd rely a little more on friends, a therapist, etc. and try to solve what you can (which I realize you have tried by getting a contractor quote, etc.)--maybe there's a way to put up flood lights or a security system that will help you sleep better, etc. or perhaps you could go along with him to his mom's; perhaps you could move anything unnecessary to storage, or set up puppy beds downstairs--these are just ideas, I don't know what you're space looks like and I'm sure you may have considered these ideas already. If there are any self-care things that you like that will make you feel more comfortable and less stressed, I'd do those too.

As for shedding resentment, I would tell your hubby how you feel first, without the pressure of also demanding action and gauging his reaction in the same conversation. Sometimes its better to break up the conversation, so that you share your feelings one day, and discuss the action steps/solution another day. So on day one, you can say, 'I've been feeling neglected since you've been spending a lot of time at your mom's; I feel stressed to spend the night in our home, and I feel bad for our dogs that are cramped and are forced to take the stairs." Chances are, your hubby will try to help, especially if you let him sit on the information for a day or two. He might come up with something creative, or maybe just his empathy and care will help make up for the cramped and uncomfortable living situations for a while. Good luck!

 

[luv2sparkle]

@mrs jam, I am so glad it is working out for you and you were able to talk about it. I would be crazy too . 10 months is a long time to live that way. I am so sorry that life has been difficult and that your husband lost his dad. Losing a parent is so hard. Praying that it will be finished quickly and life for you will once again be on an even keel. ((((hugs))))

 

[Bron357]

Hmm.
I’d be having a sit down with Hubby.
Dear, I am going crazy living upstairs, 10 months is already 6 months too long. I’m not coping anymore and neither are the dogs.
I know your mother wants you to help her, but our house and your fireplace needs to take priority. You simply can’t go over there for the next 2 or 3 months doing her house while our house remains a shambles. I would like you to concentrate on our house first and foremost but if you must do your mothers house, when we both know she could afford to get a professional in to do it for her, as a compromise you should spend only alternate weekends at her house.
The bottom line is you need to express yourself clearly before you get so upset and emotional there is yelling and tears. Outline your feelings and establish a workable compromise.
His mother has your husband wrapped around her little finger, that’s unlikely to change but you do need to get a compromise and him to understand how and why you are upset.

 

[caf]

Oh, they are so DONE. I think a large part of what is really wearing on my soul is that the simple acts of potty and play breaks are such a tedious process due to the stairs. The Great Dane is very slow and cautious going down the stairs, and I make sure I walk in front of him in case he stumbles. Waiting on him is like waiting on a slow bus. The German Pointer still thinks he’s in his prime and would try to fly down the stairs if I let him. I have to hold his harness while we go down the stairs to keep him in check. One small dog can go up and down the stairs by herself with no problems, but I have to carry the other one down. Going back up is another process. I have to do a push/lift combo to get the Dane started, all the while hanging on to the pointer’s harness to keep him from bum rushing the Dane. If I send the pointer up first, he’ll try to fly back down while I’m giving the Dane a boost. The two little dogs can both thankfully navigate going up the stairs independently. It’s my own special circle of hell that I get to experience about a dozen times a day.

Oy. I do understand- right now I have my two dogs and my daughter’s 8 year old spaniel who is partially blind and partially deaf. Herding everyone from upstairs to downstairs and outside certainly is a pain. And that’s without the construction. Your Great Dane is pretty spectacular. Hopefully your construction will be done soon! When I was building out my lower level (and had a neck fusion in the middle of it) the dog walker was key....I’ve kept her on as the dogs love her. My suggestion- if you don’t have a dog walker - try one. Just to give yourself a break from herding and pottying. Just think - your house will be gorgeous when it is all done!

 

[TooPatient]

Your getting the dogs in and out sounds horrible! We have had to do potty on leash and separate potty breaks and all sorts of things. I have hit my ability to manage within a couple of weeks. You are truly amazing managing as long as you have! Hopefully you are through this soon!

The fireplace plans look spectacular!

 

[LorettaB]

I understand how you feel and sometimes all we need to do is vent and be able to talk about it.

We let a close family member stay in our house with their family for a few months. (We would only go there on weekends as we work in another city and have a house there also.) Then, for some strange reason, our bathroom floors were awful...water damage We also had water damage in one bedroom so what started out as a renovation in the bedroom and one bathroom...the one with the most damage.... turned into that and so much more. Hardwood floors will be throughout the house where there is not ceramic tile and we are doing all the work ourselves on weekends. I can now run a saw to cut flooring like a boss! The end of the major part is in sight but gutting a bedroom and a bathroom is not for the faint-hearted. As long as I am able to sit down every once in a while and tell my husband how much having our house in a shambles is bothering me and he LISTENS, is what I need. Our weekends are spent being very busy. As we've went along we've gotten better at our carpentry skills, though we have said this is NOT what we want to be doing after retirement. The flooring will be done for now this weekend. The Christmas tree can go up and what I have that I can box up will go upstairs for me to sort out in early 2019...thank goodness and then the other bathroom gutting and renovation will begin. I think it's all about patience...from beginning to end. But still, vent away and know that one day you'll look back and see a job well done...DONE being the operative word!!