Perspective needed (home remodel stress)

[mrs jam]

I’m hoping for some perspective here. We’re in the midst of remodeling our 1940s house. It’s a complete gut job of the entire first floor. We’re living upstairs during this process. The upstairs was remodeled 3 years ago, and we were able to put in a temporary wall to secure the 2nd floor so the crews can come and go without us having to worry about them having access to the upstairs.

The complete remodel was my husband’s idea. I would have been satisfied with new floors and windows, but he wanted to rework the entire floor plan. He’s a mechanical engineer who happens to have a lot of experience building and repairing houses, and he is obsessed with mid century modern design. We have an architect and a general contractor, but H wanted to be hands-on with some of the projects, namely the huge fireplace he designed.

The carpenters have finished building the walnut-faces kitchen cabinets, book shelves, storage cabinets, bathroom vanity, etc., so the next step is flooring and all that fun stuff. However, none of that can take place until he is done building the fireplace. The stone of the fireplace will extend through “storefront” glass windows to the exterior, and the windows must be made to order when the fireplace and chimney construction is complete. So, basically, the windows in that area (which will be about the entire wall) will take approximately 6 weeks to be installed once the fireplace is done. Fireplace won’t be completed anytime soon since the cantilever hearth is being made later by later with forms, etc.

H’s father passed away last month. His mom lives 4 hours away. H’s older brother lives with his mom and took over the father’s business. H has his own small engineering firm, so he helps his brother when he can get up-to-date with technology for the accounting, payroll, etc. Morher-in-law has very high expectations of H and has been asking him to work on a major plumbing repair for her house which will involve boring under the foundation. She is set financially and can easily pay a plumber for the repair. I get along with my mother-in-law and generally enjoy her, but the demands she is making on both myself and my husband are causing a strain.

All work on our remodel has basically stopped, since nothing can really get done until the fireplace is completed. My husband thinks he will be traveling every weekend to help his mom and brother for “the next several weeks.” Well, “the next several weeks” basically equal the next 2-3 months, and my patience has expired. It’s already been 10 months of being crammed in an upstairs bedroom and bathroom with four dogs and a cat, and one of those dogs weighs more than I do. Both the larger dogs are old (9 year old Dane and 15 year old pointer), and it’s just simply not fair to make them cope with the stairs a dozen times a day. And I’m crawling out of my skin at this point. We have no kitchen and have been eating out every day, which was fun for the first month or so, but not any longer.

I’ve decided I need to have a come-to-Jesus moment with my husband. I understand he wants to be there for his mom and brother, but I also need him to be there for me and our animals. I hate conflict and go to great lengths to avoid it, but I have this huge resentment building up inside me right now. I hate the timing of this happening after his dad passed away, but that’s what has brought this to a head. I’m planning on telling him that it hurts me that he is not honoring his word to me that he would have this remodel finished by Christmas, and now it looks like it’s now on track to be completed sometime in the spring, depending on when he can finish the fireplace. I’m going to tell him he needs to make our house a priority and then he can help his mother with her projects. This is also a safety concern for me because while he’s away at his mother’s, I’m living alone, upstairs in an unsecured house in the middle of an urban neighborhood, right across the street from a city park and bus stop.

He’s already told me that the house will be his priority, but he’s also told his mom he’s be coming up there on weekends. He can’t honor both obligations. I’ve already looked into hiring someone else to build the fireplace just to get an idea if it was feasible before letting him know, but the lowest quote I received was for $50k, which is out of the question. So either he stays in town and builds this freaking fireplace, or we scrap the design and have someone else build a normal fireplace.

I’m just so pissed right now. I hate that I avoid confrontation until I’m a raging *******, and I want to approach this nicely but firmly.

If anyone has any words of wisdom for me on how to approach the situation, I would love to hear them.

 

[Austina]

Your reaction is totally understandable, and I’m afraid so is his. I’m not saying I agree with it, but men and their mothers! My DH was the same, and I resented that his mother would make demands on his time, when he was barely home due to work.

I think you just need to bite the bullet, and talk to him. Tell him you just can’t continue to live like this, it was his idea to do such an extensive remodel, and it needs to be finished. While you understand his desire to help his mother, he needs to get his own house in order first. Compromise, and suggest he goes over to her every other weekend for now, so that your house can get finished.

My MIL took complete compliance on DH’s part as an open invitation to call all the time and expect him to go straight over.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, I can’t imagine how awful it is to lose your partner after a long time and find yourself alone, but she does have another son (as did MIL) and it’s unfair to expect someone else to put their life on hold.

 

[qubitasaurus]

Look at it this way, you're a team. You need to divide and conquer. Which means tasks need to be split so everything can be accomplished.

You're current arrangement is not fair on you, because the fire place plan is quite complex and you are unable to progress it in anyway. So you are at the mercy of other people's shedules, and have no way to resolve these issues yourself. Which would be super frustrating.

This arrangement is also not fair to your husband, as everything is being pushed back on him and he is sinking.

You should have a honest chat about how you are a team, and you need to coroporate to resolve the issues (make a case for why the issues need to be solved now, and can't be protracted any longer). Then review your options, there are lots of possibilities. (a) The fire place gets scrapped, and you put in one which you can feasibly manage without his help. (b) You shift out for a while, and live elsewhere in an appartment that suits your needs. (c) You're husband expedites the fire place at your house before doing anything else, as this is the bottle neck for your home renovation and once it is finished he can be less engaged with the process. In return you guys will pay someone to finish your MIL's renovations. (d)...... I am sure there are other options as well.

Offer some give and some take on each option. Ultimately it is just a fire place, I understand it is probably currently misserable and the fireplace has become a proxy for other issues. But it isnt worth stressing a marriage you have invested a lifetime into.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

I'm sorry for your situation and truly sympathize with you. I have lived through remodel hell for a year and it was extremely straining - physically, mentally and emotionally.
Having lived through losses of loved ones as well, I know how hard that is. It's totally understandable that both of you are on the edge right now.
An honest and open talk is absolutely necessary, but I think you should try to think the situation through for yourself before initiating the discussion. What is your priority right now? What is his priority right now? How can you achieve both your priorities ? What's feasible financially?
I think you need to acknowledge that in a moment of grief the initial plans will probably change. Not because your dh changed priorities, but because the situation changed dramatically for everyone.
Some arguments that came to my mind were:
Tell him gently that it'd be a good idea to have a professional do mom's plumbing. She should be able to understand that it's probably not a good idea to put even more stress on her son right now. Also SHE just needs to have that stuff done asap by a pro.
ETA: I'd tell him clearly that you still support him being there for his mom, but that it's more helpful to be spending quality time with her rather than boring under the foundation of her house....
Is there any way to put in a minimal solution now that is upragdable to your initial fireplace down the road ? The design sounds absolutely amazing, but it might just not be feasible atm...

Can dh get professional help for
his project? So you don't have to shell out 50k to outsource everything, but put a more reasonable amount into one part of that project.
I send you buckets of dust and hope you guys are getting this resolved as smoothly as possible for all parties.


(atm I have 5workers here to remodel our open fireplace... Dust/noise/dirt/footprints everywhere... I REALLY hear you re the building situation ..)

 

[House Cat]

When people lose family members, a strong need arises for the rest of the family to be near to one another. Your MIL probably needs her son right now. Her husband just died. Your husband’s father just died. Is there any way you can give them some time to breathe and to reflect on what’s happened?

I realize your husband is doing a plumbing project for MIL but the fact that she can afford to hire someone and is choosing to have her son do it instead tells me she wants him around.

 

[Elizabeth35]

I'm sorry you are in this situation.
Just a thought from the outside----first, your DH has lost his father and your MIL has lost her spouse only a few weeks ago. They are still pretty much in shock and trying to come to terms with their loss.
Still very early on in the process for them both. He is trying to be a good son---that's a testament to his good character. So he is ending up being pulled in two directions.

Obviously you have to have a talk with him. You may find that he is viewing helping his Mom as very temporary and YOUR project is unfortunately in second place. Try to find out how he is feeling about losing his Dad? Being together (DH,MIL,BIL) might be coping mechanism for their grief.

I would hate to see this become a situation that causes permanent resentment for any of you.
How about a compromise? Maybe for a couple months he can go to his Mom's every other weekend to help her through the loss of her spouse, with the agreement that she has a professional do the plumbing. She may really be needing/wanting DH there for grief support rather than plumbing.
Remember---she may not be thinking real clearly now.
All of your lives have permanently changed with the loss of FIL--it will take time to sort out the new status quo.

This too shall pass. One day your house will be done and this process will be in the rearview mirror.
Unless you think she is truly being manipulative and evil, I would take a deep breath and accept a delay in your project as part of life. Unpleasant and unfair but the project will be done eventually.

 

[OoohShiny]

I’m planning on telling him that it hurts me that he is not honoring his word to me that he would have this remodel finished by Christmas, and now it looks like it’s now on track to be completed sometime in the spring, depending on when he can finish the fireplace. I’m going to tell him he needs to make our house a priority and then he can help his mother with her projects.

There are many wise words already in this thread and I'm sure I'm about to repeat some of them, lol, but as a male of the species and also someone who has recently suffered an unexpected bereavement (which I may post about on the forum at some point) I would like to put forward a viewpoint from my side of the fence, if I may!


I was at a bereavement support group recently and was asked what my point of view was, as I was the only male in the room. As I was speaking I kind of realised that as a male, 'society expects' - expects that we will go out and be the breadwinner, potentially risking our lives working on dangerous building projects or driving for many hours through inclement weather while tired from lack of proper sleep; expects that we will be the rock of our family, providing a pillar to lean on for our partners and children in turbulent times, putting to one side our own emotional turmoil in order to care for others; expects that we will 'make things right' when things go wrong or challenging times arrive, be it financial, emotional, employment-/illness-/education-related, even when all the odds are against us and we only have limited ability or capacity to deliver positive changes.

Right now, he is being the rock for his mother and trying to be there for her during this difficult time. He is being a rock for his brother and trying to help improve his breadwinning ability for himself and his family (if he has one). He is also trying to be the breadwinner for you, while trying to 'make right' your home and the promises he made to you in previous, less turbulent times, before the unexpected loss of his father. At the same time, he will be trying to deal with his own grief in the few moments he has to himself between working at his mother's house, working with his brother, working at your house, working his own job, supporting his mother emotionally, travelling several hours between locations, eating, sleeping, arranging funeral details if it has fallen to him...


I personally have found it incredibly difficult to process my grief while life is going on - I need to 'step off the treadmill' and just 'stop', so that I can let my thoughts wander, let myself feel, let my emotions bubble up from the suppressed state I must keep them in in order to provide everything I need for those around me. Have you and he had even a weekend away to yourselves, so you can talk and discuss how he feels, to let him cry if he wants to cry? Has he been able to openly express his grief and work through things? Has he been able to catch up on sleep so that he feels fresh for the challenges he is facing? Or has he been flat out with all of the above commitments, with no time to himself, feeling absolutely shattered because physical labour is tiring, grief sucks the energy out of him, and he’s only getting 5-6 hours of sleep a night?


He is a torn man – torn between aiding his mother, aiding his brother and honouring his commitments to you. I totally get why you’re frustrated - DIY and a disrupted home environment is very stressful, especially when it’s prolonged, and if you are not able to get away from it, it will feel like there is no escape and no end to it - but if you set an ultimatum, it will only tear him apart even more. Does he let his wife down, let his brother down or let his mother down? Does he fail at being a good husband, fail at being a good brother or fail at being a good son (made worse by needing to ‘live up to what dad would have done’)? Does he actually wish that he didn’t have to sleep, so that he could use those extra few hours to do more for you and his family?

I am sure that he is doing everything he can to try and keep everyone happy, and is putting himself at the very bottom of the list when it comes to priorities and ‘looking after’. I am also sure that all of his priorities are equal in his heart but, of course, he can only do one thing at a time – and unfortunately it is often those we are closest to that bear the brunt of being further down the line of things that need to get done, perhaps because we expect those closest to us to understand more than those we are less close to.


Just to ask the question, may I ask if you’ve done anything ‘out of the ordinary’ to ease his burdens - perhaps something like booking a home-visit 2-hour deep tissue massage or forcing both of yourselves to go to bed at 7pm so he can get a good 10 hours of rest? He will value that so highly, I’m certain, because it shows you are on his side and want to help him through this.

I also think it would be good to ask him how you can help him out to the best of your abilities, if you haven’t already – for example, could you go with him to his mother’s house, so that you can drive and he can get a few hours of sleep in the passenger seat? Do you have any applicable skills to help at his brother’s place? Could you perhaps learn a Computer Aided Design software package while you’re at home on your own (such as the free SketchUp program or similar) so that you could turn some of his sketches/ideas for the fireplace into a more concrete proposal for him to work on/from?

Ignoring the fact she can afford it herself… could you offer to help his mother financially, so that she can get the plumbing work finished by a local contractor? If it’s a case of needing to pay for work at either one location or the other to make progress on both projects immediately and at the same time, it would make sense to pay for the cheaper option, which might well be the plumbing work. You could suggest this to your husband and ask if you can get quotes for both works, so that you could identify if this is a possibility. It would stick in the craw slightly to be helping her out when she could afford it herself, but money spent to preserve one’s sanity is always money well spent – and you can always earn more money later, whereas sanity and a marriage is a lot more difficult to come by.


I guess another option would be that you could look at alternative accommodation options for you, to remove you from the stressful environment. Do you have a friend or any family nearby with dog-friendly accommodation that you could stay with? If no-one is close but further-away family/friends are dog-friendly and would be able to look after them, could you move the dogs to that location and then move into a cheap hotel locally for a while?


Anyway, I thought I’d put some alternative viewpoints/thoughts forward, so I hope they are at least a little bit helpful (??) and are not annoying As already mentioned, you and your husband need to approach this as a team, so you both need to sit down and work out how you can best tackle the problem – having the entire burden for all the projects on his shoulders (and with increased pressure due to quick(er) delivery timescales being requested/demanded) has the potential to crush him and risk his health and mental wellbeing, especially if he cannot process the grief that is also likely consuming him. If he falls asleep at the wheel and crashes into an oncoming truck due to tiredness and lack of sleep, or has a minor heart attack due to poor grab-and-go diet and massive stress, or has a breakdown and is unable to get out of bed because of emotional collapse / mental breakdown and the perception of utter failure no matter how hard he tries, none of the projects will be delivered and there could be another funeral to arrange (!!) so attack the situation and share the burden as the strong team I am sure you are

 

[farrahlyn]

I wanted to piggypack on @OoohShiny post a bit. My husband lost his father earlier this year. While i completely understand your frustration, my heart hurts for your husband. As Shiny touched on, society makes it hard for men to just step back and grieve when they lose someone dear to them. My husband just threw himself into work and projects to keep busy, he felt like if he stopped then he was just going to break down. His mom was devastated and we all felt an incredible need to hold it together for her and Dh's sister. DH's brother is currently living with his mom (FIL was very ill before he passed and they moved in to help) but DH STILL spent a lot of time helping his mother. Granted, she lives next door but he was over there a lot helping out his mom. His way of supporting her was by helping her out around the house and completing projects for her that had been lingering while FIL was ill.

I am sure that he is doing everything he can to try and keep everyone happy, and is putting himself at the very bottom of the list when it comes to priorities and ‘looking after’. I am also sure that all of his priorities are equal in his heart but, of course, he can only do one thing at a time – and unfortunately it is often those we are closest to that bear the brunt of being further down the line of things that need to get done, perhaps because we expect those closest to us to understand more than those we are less close to.

Just to ask the question, may I ask if you’ve done anything ‘out of the ordinary’ to ease his burdens - perhaps something like booking a home-visit 2-hour deep tissue massage or forcing both of yourselves to go to bed at 7pm so he can get a good 10 hours of rest? He will value that so highly, I’m certain, because it shows you are on his side and want to help him through this.

This statement is just summarizes so well. 1- he is at the bottom of his list of priorities right now. 2- he likely expects that you understand his dilema and are ok with his timeline. (however wrong that may be) 3-Show him you are on his side by doing something just for him. GREAT advice from Shiny, i promise you he will greatly appreciate it. i can't agree with that more, YOU are the person he is relying on right now to show love, care and understanding at a time that is really hard to wrap his head around.

So i agree maybe you need to sit down and have a chat with him but i would definitely approach it in a manner of working together as a team to get things done. More like, "hey, these projects and timeline is really stressful for both of us. Can we sit down and brainstorm different ways to accomplish these projects in a more timely manner? Is there something more i can do to help out?" You've already received SO many good suggestions on alternative ways to tackle these projects so i won't add to that discussion. Just wanted to throw my $.02 in since we just went through some similar things. You're in a tough spot right now but work together and you'll figure out how to get through it without wanting to strangle one another

 

[marymm]

OP, any chance you and your family can find/budget a short-term rental for the next 6 months? This would give you and your animals a kitchen and hopefully more square footage and no stairs, while allowing for some breathing space for your DH to get through the coming months with someone (you) having his back at this time of grief and turmoil.

 

[monarch64]

Make your husband watch "The Money Pit" (Tom Hanks, Shelley Long, 1986) with you. You'll both get a good laugh and perhaps it will grease the wheels to have a lighter-hearted conversation about all of this. It's available on Amazon Prime video.

 

[mrs jam]

Thank you all so much. Our garage was broken into last night, so we’re in the middle of a whirlwind this morning, and your replies are a sanity check for me. We have so much stuff stored in the garage that it’s difficult to know what all was stolen. Someone got away with a lot of holiday decorations and a cement mixer and who knows what else.

I will go back and reread your replies and respond later tonight when things have (hopefully) calmed down, but I just wanted to quickly let you all know your responses mean a lot to me. They also helped me not lose my $hit on my husband when we discovered the break-in as this has been one of my fears.

 

[Lisa Loves Shiny]

Sorry for your troubles @mrs jam. I too would be frustrated, yet at the same time sympathetic to your DH and MIL. I really hope you and DH work together on a plan that ensures that years later, looking back at it all there are few regrets. Right now the safety and comfort of your family and the dogs should be the main priority.

 

[telephone89]

I think the garage break in is an excellent open up for your conversation with your husband. Yes, there was a death in the family, but life can't just stop for that. He said that your home will be a priority, it's obviously not, and now because of his inaction, a theft occurred.
If it were me, I would give him two options.
1) Get back here and finish your fireplace or
2) I am changing the design of the fireplace to complete the reno without you so he can focus his energy elsewhere.
It is not fair to you or your animals that he and his mother have decided to F off and do some random project and leave you in the dust (literally probably!).

 

[Maria D]

Oh my goodness @mrs jam, I can barely put up with easy things like getting wood floors refinished or kitchen countertops changed out...I feel for you! Great advice here. Let's call in the expert: @mrs-b!

 

[mrs jam]

All of your responses have saved the day! I can’t thank you all enough. It helped to vent, and your thoughts and ideas were a huge help. My husband was the one who actually initatiated the conversation after we got done dealing with the police report for the garage break-in. He told me he was making it his number one priority to get the house secured for me and our pets and he apologized for how long it was taking. I used your advice and told him that we’re a team, and I was going to help in any way that I can. He said that losing his dad has been harder than he expected, and that he had been dealing with it by over-extending himself to his mom and brother. He also said that he felt a sense of guilt that his brother has to deal with the brunt of the day-to-day stuff with his mom since the brother lives there, and we’re not there on a daily basis.

We hashed out some solutions. He let his mom know that the best course of action is to let a professional plumber handle the plumbing issue. They’re going to go with the plumber who gave her the initial estimate since my husband has already deemed him trustworthy. We will be visiting his mom once a month until the fireplace is complete and the remodel is back on track, and then he can help her and his brother out more often once that monkey is off our back.

When the remodel is finished, I will love having his mom come down to visit us whenever she’d like. There will always be a welcome mat at our door for her and his brother. I just need a front door to put it in front of

I feel a little ashamed for how angry I was feeling yesterday. It broke my heart today when he told me not to give up on him or the house. I don’t ever want him to feel like that.

Thank you so much for all your ideas. You really helped me approach this with kindness and love.

 

[mrs jam]

There are many wise words already in this thread and I'm sure I'm about to repeat some of them, lol, but as a male of the species and also someone who has recently suffered an unexpected bereavement (which I may post about on the forum at some point) I would like to put forward a viewpoint from my side of the fence, if I may!


I was at a bereavement support group recently and was asked what my point of view was, as I was the only male in the room. As I was speaking I kind of realised that as a male, 'society expects' - expects that we will go out and be the breadwinner, potentially risking our lives working on dangerous building projects or driving for many hours through inclement weather while tired from lack of proper sleep; expects that we will be the rock of our family, providing a pillar to lean on for our partners and children in turbulent times, putting to one side our own emotional turmoil in order to care for others; expects that we will 'make things right' when things go wrong or challenging times arrive, be it financial, emotional, employment-/illness-/education-related, even when all the odds are against us and we only have limited ability or capacity to deliver positive changes.

Right now, he is being the rock for his mother and trying to be there for her during this difficult time. He is being a rock for his brother and trying to help improve his breadwinning ability for himself and his family (if he has one). He is also trying to be the breadwinner for you, while trying to 'make right' your home and the promises he made to you in previous, less turbulent times, before the unexpected loss of his father. At the same time, he will be trying to deal with his own grief in the few moments he has to himself between working at his mother's house, working with his brother, working at your house, working his own job, supporting his mother emotionally, travelling several hours between locations, eating, sleeping, arranging funeral details if it has fallen to him...


I personally have found it incredibly difficult to process my grief while life is going on - I need to 'step off the treadmill' and just 'stop', so that I can let my thoughts wander, let myself feel, let my emotions bubble up from the suppressed state I must keep them in in order to provide everything I need for those around me. Have you and he had even a weekend away to yourselves, so you can talk and discuss how he feels, to let him cry if he wants to cry? Has he been able to openly express his grief and work through things? Has he been able to catch up on sleep so that he feels fresh for the challenges he is facing? Or has he been flat out with all of the above commitments, with no time to himself, feeling absolutely shattered because physical labour is tiring, grief sucks the energy out of him, and he’s only getting 5-6 hours of sleep a night?


He is a torn man – torn between aiding his mother, aiding his brother and honouring his commitments to you. I totally get why you’re frustrated - DIY and a disrupted home environment is very stressful, especially when it’s prolonged, and if you are not able to get away from it, it will feel like there is no escape and no end to it - but if you set an ultimatum, it will only tear him apart even more. Does he let his wife down, let his brother down or let his mother down? Does he fail at being a good husband, fail at being a good brother or fail at being a good son (made worse by needing to ‘live up to what dad would have done’)? Does he actually wish that he didn’t have to sleep, so that he could use those extra few hours to do more for you and his family?

I am sure that he is doing everything he can to try and keep everyone happy, and is putting himself at the very bottom of the list when it comes to priorities and ‘looking after’. I am also sure that all of his priorities are equal in his heart but, of course, he can only do one thing at a time – and unfortunately it is often those we are closest to that bear the brunt of being further down the line of things that need to get done, perhaps because we expect those closest to us to understand more than those we are less close to.


Just to ask the question, may I ask if you’ve done anything ‘out of the ordinary’ to ease his burdens - perhaps something like booking a home-visit 2-hour deep tissue massage or forcing both of yourselves to go to bed at 7pm so he can get a good 10 hours of rest? He will value that so highly, I’m certain, because it shows you are on his side and want to help him through this.

I also think it would be good to ask him how you can help him out to the best of your abilities, if you haven’t already – for example, could you go with him to his mother’s house, so that you can drive and he can get a few hours of sleep in the passenger seat? Do you have any applicable skills to help at his brother’s place? Could you perhaps learn a Computer Aided Design software package while you’re at home on your own (such as the free SketchUp program or similar) so that you could turn some of his sketches/ideas for the fireplace into a more concrete proposal for him to work on/from?

Ignoring the fact she can afford it herself… could you offer to help his mother financially, so that she can get the plumbing work finished by a local contractor? If it’s a case of needing to pay for work at either one location or the other to make progress on both projects immediately and at the same time, it would make sense to pay for the cheaper option, which might well be the plumbing work. You could suggest this to your husband and ask if you can get quotes for both works, so that you could identify if this is a possibility. It would stick in the craw slightly to be helping her out when she could afford it herself, but money spent to preserve one’s sanity is always money well spent – and you can always earn more money later, whereas sanity and a marriage is a lot more difficult to come by.


I guess another option would be that you could look at alternative accommodation options for you, to remove you from the stressful environment. Do you have a friend or any family nearby with dog-friendly accommodation that you could stay with? If no-one is close but further-away family/friends are dog-friendly and would be able to look after them, could you move the dogs to that location and then move into a cheap hotel locally for a while?


Anyway, I thought I’d put some alternative viewpoints/thoughts forward, so I hope they are at least a little bit helpful (??) and are not annoying As already mentioned, you and your husband need to approach this as a team, so you both need to sit down and work out how you can best tackle the problem – having the entire burden for all the projects on his shoulders (and with increased pressure due to quick(er) delivery timescales being requested/demanded) has the potential to crush him and risk his health and mental wellbeing, especially if he cannot process the grief that is also likely consuming him. If he falls asleep at the wheel and crashes into an oncoming truck due to tiredness and lack of sleep, or has a minor heart attack due to poor grab-and-go diet and massive stress, or has a breakdown and is unable to get out of bed because of emotional collapse / mental breakdown and the perception of utter failure no matter how hard he tries, none of the projects will be delivered and there could be another funeral to arrange (!!) so attack the situation and share the burden as the strong team I am sure you are

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. Tomorrow afternoon, I’m “borrowing” our neighbor’s kitchen to bake my husband his favorite pineapple upside down cake. I really appreciate your response. He really is a fixer and wants to be everyone’s rock.

Your suggestion to find out how I can help his brother in the office is great. I’m currently learning QuickBooks Online, and this is something that I can easily help him with once I get the hang of it myself. As far as helping his mom, she really appreciates the company. I put up a Christmas tree for her this past weekend and am current,y working on a wreath for her. I know the holidays are going to be a hard time, so I’m trying to inject a little cheer into the house. Today she mentioned garland for the mantel, so I’m going to start working on that, too.

 

[mrs jam]

I'm sorry you are in this situation.
Just a thought from the outside----first, your DH has lost his father and your MIL has lost her spouse only a few weeks ago. They are still pretty much in shock and trying to come to terms with their loss.
Still very early on in the process for them both. He is trying to be a good son---that's a testament to his good character. So he is ending up being pulled in two directions.

Obviously you have to have a talk with him. You may find that he is viewing helping his Mom as very temporary and YOUR project is unfortunately in second place. Try to find out how he is feeling about losing his Dad? Being together (DH,MIL,BIL) might be coping mechanism for their grief.

I would hate to see this become a situation that causes permanent resentment for any of you.
How about a compromise? Maybe for a couple months he can go to his Mom's every other weekend to help her through the loss of her spouse, with the agreement that she has a professional do the plumbing. She may really be needing/wanting DH there for grief support rather than plumbing.
Remember---she may not be thinking real clearly now.
All of your lives have permanently changed with the loss of FIL--it will take time to sort out the new status quo.

This too shall pass. One day your house will be done and this process will be in the rearview mirror.
Unless you think she is truly being manipulative and evil, I would take a deep breath and accept a delay in your project as part of life. Unpleasant and unfair but the project will be done eventually.

The compromise you described is almost exactly what we decided upon. And you’re right, this is really a testament to his good character. There’s that saying about watching the way a man treats his mother, or something along those lines.

 

[MamaBee]

All of your responses have saved the day! I can’t thank you all enough. It helped to vent, and your thoughts and ideas were a huge help. My husband was the one who actually initatiated the conversation after we got done dealing with the police report for the garage break-in. He told me he was making it his number one priority to get the house secured for me and our pets and he apologized for how long it was taking. I used your advice and told him that we’re a team, and I was going to help in any way that I can. He said that losing his dad has been harder than he expected, and that he had been dealing with it by over-extending himself to his mom and brother. He also said that he felt a sense of guilt that his brother has to deal with the brunt of the day-to-day stuff with his mom since the brother lives there, and we’re not there on a daily basis.

We hashed out some solutions. He let his mom know that the best course of action is to let a professional plumber handle the plumbing issue. They’re going to go with the plumber who gave her the initial estimate since my husband has already deemed him trustworthy. We will be visiting his mom once a month until the fireplace is complete and the remodel is back on track, and then he can help her and his brother out more often once that monkey is off our back.

When the remodel is finished, I will love having his mom come down to visit us whenever she’d like. There will always be a welcome mat at our door for her and his brother. I just need a front door to put it in front of

I feel a little ashamed for how angry I was feeling yesterday. It broke my heart today when he told me not to give up on him or the house. I don’t ever want him to feel like that.

Thank you so much for all your ideas. You really helped me approach this with kindness and love.

I really had nothing to add because everyone gave you such wonderful suggestions...I’m glad you feel better now and your hubby was the one that brought the subject up. It’s healthy to vent..Never feel ashamed to do that!

 

[mrs-b]

Mrs Jam - what a lovely person you sound! I really feel for you during this process; we started our renos in March, and they went till the end of September. We tried to count how many tradesmen visits there had been by the end (some tradesmen were in it for the long haul, so might have come 10, 20, 30, 40 times - like our general contractor), and gave up when we passed 200. I used to say to people that every tradesman in our area was working...because they were working on OUR HOUSE! By the end of it, I was pretty genuinely depressed and my nerves were totally jangled from the ongoing noise. Putting windows in the basement was a level of hell I care never to revisit....)

I'm casting my mind through my experience and trying to work out what helped us. Professional dog walkers leaps to mind. Razzed up, high energy, hysterical dogs made the whole experience exponentially worse, so if that's part of your experience, get a dog walker to keep your dogs exercised and calm. Best thing we did.

We also fenced off a cobblestone part of the yard, so we could let the dogs out despite tradesmen traipsing through and leaving gates open all the time. We used locks on certain gates, so the dogs could get outside to their little exercise / toilet area, without having to worry that someone would let them out and they'd bolt. The stone in that area meant they didn't bring in even more dirt than the builders already were.

Cleaners. We kept the areas where we were living clean. Very clean. It gave us a sense of order. (...which, frankly, we really didn't have - but this allowed us to pretend a trifle.)

Flowers. The whole house looked like a DUMP for months - so I tried to put *some* degree of beauty in the areas where we were living.

Don't over commit. This sounds like it will be super tough for you, as you have a lot of things going on. But while you're renovating and your home is all over the shop, commit to as few things as possible.

Get out of the house. This was our best release. And for one week, when we felt we could stand it no more, my best friend came and house-sat for us, and we went to the Bahamas. This all sounds very luxurious, I know - but the truth is, this was our first vacation that wasn't a staycation, or a family visit, in 10 years. We know when we've hit our limit - and we hit our limit then!

Regardless of what your partner does that sends you crazy during this process, stay united and positive. If you bring marital discord into the renovating experience, it makes home AND marriage suck, and that's a bridge too far for most people - certainly me! I lost my rag a number of times, but DH was insanely generous, coming home early and taking over with the dogs (we had 2 large puppies - 6 and 3 months - while this was going on) or letting me get out of the house.

Don't put yourself in a position where you have to cook. We kept easy to prepare stuff in the kitchen at all times, and it made cleaning up easier also.

Would it be possible for you to go together to your MIL's house some times? Ask her to cook, so you get a break, she gets time with her son, and your husband gets a salve to his guilt. It might also give her a sense that he is still 'hands on' and taking care of everything - which is probably what she wants the most.

Music helped. That, and dim lighting. I tried to purposely create a calm environment whenever it was possible. ( - which wasn't very often!)

Give your husband lots of love and praise. I felt like a queen bitch most of the time during our reno, and it didn't help me one little bit. It made me feel as ugly as the house.

Wine. (self explanatory)

I don't know if any of these ideas will help, and you've probably thought of them all already. But these were the things that helped me. And keeping your expectations real helps a lot, too. With the best will in the world, renovating really IS three steps forward, two backwards. And if your husband is in over his head with the fireplace, have a war council and see if you can reach an agreement about getting him some help; it might be his preference also and he may just feel like he's made promises he now needs to keep.

Good luck!

 

[AV_]

... & you end up with a fireplace worth 50K - or so they say.

I sure am wishing for pictures

 

[OoohShiny]

I think the garage break in is an excellent open up for your conversation with your husband. Yes, there was a death in the family, but life can't just stop for that. He said that your home will be a priority, it's obviously not, and now because of his inaction, a theft occurred.
If it were me, I would give him two options.
1) Get back here and finish your fireplace or
2) I am changing the design of the fireplace to complete the reno without you so he can focus his energy elsewhere.
It is not fair to you or your animals that he and his mother have decided to F off and do some random project and leave you in the dust (literally probably!).

I strongly disagree with this sentiment - one cannot control a third parties' actions, and the OP and her husband have not laid their belongings out on the front lawn with a big sign saying 'Take me!!'.

People should not be committing crime - to lay blame and responsibility for criminal activity at the victims' door is not the correct course of action.

To do so implies that burglary is acceptable because you shouldn't have nice stuff that might be seen through a window or seen by a visitor to the door / a tradesperson, or because you didn't fit big enough locks / a burglar alarm / board up your windows when you are away.

And to extend the logic... it implies that rape is acceptable if the victim was 'looking pretty' on a night out or had enjoyed a glass or two of wine.

 

[OoohShiny]

It sounds like things have come to head and this has prompted a reevaluation of the situation, @mrs jam - I'm pleased to hear a positive way forward has been identified and you are both feeling stronger together!

As AV_ says, we will look forward to pictures of the awesome fireplace lol

 

[telephone89]

I strongly disagree with this sentiment - one cannot control a third parties' actions, and the OP and her husband have not laid their belongings out on the front lawn with a big sign saying 'Take me!!'.

People should not be committing crime - to lay blame and responsibility for criminal activity at the victims' door is not the correct course of action.

To do so implies that burglary is acceptable because you shouldn't have nice stuff that might be seen through a window or seen by a visitor to the door / a tradesperson, or because you didn't fit big enough locks / a burglar alarm / board up your windows when you are away.

And to extend the logic... it implies that rape is acceptable if the victim was 'looking pretty' on a night out or had enjoyed a glass or two of wine.

Your slippery slope argument is invalid. There is absolutely no similarity to a cement mixer being stolen and a rape. One is a thing. One is a person. YOU are the person that is making that analogy, and it is completely and irrevocably incorrect, and I'd caution you to never compare a human being to an inanimate object again.

The OP even stated she was worried about this being a possibility with the extended delay. I'm glad that the OP and her husband worked it out

 

[Tekate]

@mrs jam so so sorry about your FIL, the break in and the situation with the hold up on the fireplace. Life always get's in the way. You sound very much like a great life partner, you are normal, you are sick of construction and he knows it, he sounds like a great life partner for you. So it just sucks and I hate to say but he is aware that he are coming to your wit's end, but his mom and his brother count too... LUCKY him that you are a great partner and you will do what is in your heart. again, what a confluence of sad and annoying things to happen.

 

[TooPatient]

Awesome update! Great teamwork!

So... If you are comfortable with it, I really really want to see the fireplace when done!!!

 

[mrs jam]

This first photo shows the inspiration fireplace that my husband has had saved on his laptop for years. It wasn’t love at first sight for me, mainly because of the white panels, but I have to admit it’s grown on me.

 

[mrs jam]

The next image is from the Sketch Up plans of our remodel.

 

[mrs jam]

And here’s where we are so far. As you can see, we’ve got a long way to go. After this weekend, there will hopefully be another layer poured. My husband is doing all the cement work himself, and then the mason will take over, thank the good Lord.

It’s really hard to believe how much people wanted to charge us for building this. What I’ve learned during this remodel process is that whenever you want anything that is considered out of the “ordinary,” be prepared for jaw-dropping quotes!!

 

[mrs jam]

And here’s a random pic of what is probably going to be my favorite nook in the house, bookshelves across the room from the infamous fireplace.

 

[mrs jam]

Mrs Jam - what a lovely person you sound! I really feel for you during this process; we started our renos in March, and they went till the end of September. We tried to count how many tradesmen visits there had been by the end (some tradesmen were in it for the long haul, so might have come 10, 20, 30, 40 times - like our general contractor), and gave up when we passed 200. I used to say to people that every tradesman in our area was working...because they were working on OUR HOUSE! By the end of it, I was pretty genuinely depressed and my nerves were totally jangled from the ongoing noise. Putting windows in the basement was a level of hell I care never to revisit....)

I'm casting my mind through my experience and trying to work out what helped us. Professional dog walkers leaps to mind. Razzed up, high energy, hysterical dogs made the whole experience exponentially worse, so if that's part of your experience, get a dog walker to keep your dogs exercised and calm. Best thing we did.

We also fenced off a cobblestone part of the yard, so we could let the dogs out despite tradesmen traipsing through and leaving gates open all the time. We used locks on certain gates, so the dogs could get outside to their little exercise / toilet area, without having to worry that someone would let them out and they'd bolt. The stone in that area meant they didn't bring in even more dirt than the builders already were.

Cleaners. We kept the areas where we were living clean. Very clean. It gave us a sense of order. (...which, frankly, we really didn't have - but this allowed us to pretend a trifle.)

Flowers. The whole house looked like a DUMP for months - so I tried to put *some* degree of beauty in the areas where we were living.

Don't over commit. This sounds like it will be super tough for you, as you have a lot of things going on. But while you're renovating and your home is all over the shop, commit to as few things as possible.

Get out of the house. This was our best release. And for one week, when we felt we could stand it no more, my best friend came and house-sat for us, and we went to the Bahamas. This all sounds very luxurious, I know - but the truth is, this was our first vacation that wasn't a staycation, or a family visit, in 10 years. We know when we've hit our limit - and we hit our limit then!

Regardless of what your partner does that sends you crazy during this process, stay united and positive. If you bring marital discord into the renovating experience, it makes home AND marriage suck, and that's a bridge too far for most people - certainly me! I lost my rag a number of times, but DH was insanely generous, coming home early and taking over with the dogs (we had 2 large puppies - 6 and 3 months - while this was going on) or letting me get out of the house.

Don't put yourself in a position where you have to cook. We kept easy to prepare stuff in the kitchen at all times, and it made cleaning up easier also.

Would it be possible for you to go together to your MIL's house some times? Ask her to cook, so you get a break, she gets time with her son, and your husband gets a salve to his guilt. It might also give her a sense that he is still 'hands on' and taking care of everything - which is probably what she wants the most.

Music helped. That, and dim lighting. I tried to purposely create a calm environment whenever it was possible. ( - which wasn't very often!)

Give your husband lots of love and praise. I felt like a queen bitch most of the time during our reno, and it didn't help me one little bit. It made me feel as ugly as the house.

Wine. (self explanatory)

I don't know if any of these ideas will help, and you've probably thought of them all already. But these were the things that helped me. And keeping your expectations real helps a lot, too. With the best will in the world, renovating really IS three steps forward, two backwards. And if your husband is in over his head with the fireplace, have a war council and see if you can reach an agreement about getting him some help; it might be his preference also and he may just feel like he's made promises he now needs to keep.

Good luck!

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. This is all wonde%ful advice. Thankfully, we do have an area of the yard that we fenced in to make a dog run where the dogs can go potty while the workers are here. I could not have survived this otherwise. For a few days while they were putting on the new roof, I had to leash everyone up to take them to the park across the street every time they needed to go potty, and I thought I would lose my mind!

I burn candles to add come coziness to our living quarters upstairs, and that really helps. We don’t have enough room for a full-size Christmas tree since we’re also surrounded by storage boxes, but I’ve got little Christmas vignettes set up on the TV console. Our upstairs has a lot of windows, and that helps a lot. It would be claustrophobic otherwise.

Cooking is not an issue as I have no kitchen!! We’ve got a fridge, washer, dryer, and microwave set up in an area downstairs that is separated from the rest of the house. I’m actually dreaming of the day I can make homemade meals in the new kitchen.

Another thing that helps is I have an amazing bathtub upstairs. The other night I took a long soak with a bag of Doritos, and I felt relatively human again