Patience...

[Puppmom]

I’m envious of people who are patient. I’m terribly impatient and it can be a strain on me (and those in relationships with me ) at times. I really wish patience was a trait that I possessed but I can’t seem to find it in myself.

Do you think patience can be learned by an adult? My parents didn’t exactly exhibit patience but I was never indulged as a child so I’m not quite sure where it comes from. Obviously, now that I'm an adult, I have to take ownership of my flaws and try to change them (or embrace them!).

Are you patient? Have you always been? How do you do it? Does it just come naturally?

 

[Upgradable]

It took me until I was about 40 to develop patience. I have to have an internal conversation with myself to say "Slow down! Impatience only leads to regret." Seems to work for me.

 

[Skippy123]

I have no patience. I wish I had more; I really do so I hear you. any tips Uppy?

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Seriously, patience was one of the things I told my husband I HAD to improve before we started trying for kids. I lose patience very quickly and then I'm just tense and that's no fun for anybody. My biggest fear is me getting frustrated with our future kids and them thinking that mommy is a frustrated, tense nutcase.

To be honest, I'm slightly better, but nowhere where I'd like to be. Of course I lost patience with my progress and got pregnant anyway. I can recognize when I'm losing patience and talk myself down a little, but what I'd really love is if I just didn't lose my patience in the first place, do you know what I mean? It's like something happens and a flip switches in my head. Yes, I'm better at not getting tense when the switch flips, but the switch is still flipping.

Anyway, just chiming in to tell you I completely understand and I want so badly to be patient. My mother is very patient and assures me it comes with age. I hope so...

ETA: I forgot to add that in my situation I genuinely feel like my impatience is tied to my controlling nature. For instance, when I'm working on training with my dog and he doesn't listen I get really frustrated. I think it's more about me wanting to control the situation than just pure impatience, so a lot of my focus on being more patient has been tied to giving up control. And that is HARD for me.

 

[Upgradable]

I have no patience. I wish I had more; I really do so I hear you. any tips Uppy?

Therapy. And a desperation not to become my mother.

 

[Puppmom]

NEL, you make a good point. Maybe my impatience is tied to control too. I don't want to be a wet-rag anymore!

Uppy, ditto. My mom has actually gotten WORSE with age. She is a tough cookie. She's very intolerant and holds other to very high standards that she's not willing to live up to herself.

...I think I need more than a desire to change. I need the tools. Now, I just have to figure out HOW to get the tools.

 

[Sha]

I'm naturally a very calm and patient person. DH is the opposite. He gets annoyed easily and has a low tolerance for frustration. I try to encourage him to think about things differently so that he doesn't have to get so upset, because a lot of the times he gets angry for irrational things -- like having to wait in traffic to let other cars pass, etc. I'm not sure how much he listens to me. I think it could be helped if he did, but I think it's naturally part of his personality too.

 

[Haven]

I'm naturally calm and patient. I think part of it is that I'm typically content experiencing the present, and I am always aware that time will move on regardless of how I choose to spend it, so I might as well make it pleasant. This makes it easier for me to be patient, and even to endure physical pain, because I know it will pass. I broke my elbow last year (or was it two years ago) and managed to pretend I didn't for an hour-long car ride. I just told myself "You are feeling this now, but it won't last, and the feeling will be there regardless of how you behave. So settle down!" And I did.

I know my husband deliberately worked on becoming more patient in his twenties. He did not want to live like his parents. I think he did a lot of focusing on his habitual behavior, and chose one or two specific situations to practice restraint, and built it up from there.

 

[somethingshiny]

I have become more patient over the last several years. And, I agree with Haven, I think a lot of it has to do with your ability to be content. right here, right now. Then what comes next isn't your main goal, your goal is to enjoy THIS very moment. Granted, it's difficult when the baby is screaming, the older kid is projectile vomiting and DH is nowhere to be found, but I do step back, take a breath, and remember that no one is doing these things TO ME. They're just happening. And of all the people in the world to fix it, I'm the best.


Sounds like I have a big head about myself! lol. Basically, Enjoy the moment and don't take it personally when things go wrong.

 

[Puppmom]

Haven, you make some interesting points. I can, for some reason, exhibit patience when it comes to big picture things - not in any rush to get married, didn't push DH to move in, had kids on my own schedule, fix up the house bit by bit, save for things I want instead of charging. It's the little things that really cause me to struggle - DH isn't changing DS quick enough and DS is screaming, the lady in front of me in line decides to clear out her change purse to pay for $3.00 breakfast, I ask DD to pick up after herself and she isn't moving quick enough etc. (hhhmmm - maybe this is more of a control thing than a patience issue) I CAN practice restraint just not true patience if that makes any sense. At work, for example, I'll feel like I'm going to explode but can *appear* patient. What I need to get down is actually BEING patient.

I think your DH's plan is a good one. Start small and build on it. It really is a total attitude change. I don't want to outwardly demonstrate that I'm being patient while feeling like I want to strangle someone on the inside. That's not healthy either.

 

[rubybeth]

It sounds less like a lack of patience than an overactive stress response to life's little annoyances. I'm really interested in the work of Dr. Robert Sapolsky and the study of stress. Humans are weird in this way--we can't shut off our stress response automatically once the stressful thing is over. Some relaxation techniques may be helpful in those situations, like tapping into a quiet well of inner calm . It sounds lame, but it works! I think that's what Haven is able to do in her example with the broken bone.

 

[Skippy123]

It sounds less like a lack of patience than an overactive stress response to life's little annoyances. I'm really interested in the work of Dr. Robert Sapolsky and the study of stress. Humans are weird in this way--we can't shut off our stress response automatically once the stressful thing is over. Some relaxation techniques may be helpful in those situations, like tapping into a quiet well of inner calm . It sounds lame, but it works! I think that's what Haven is able to do in her example with the broken bone.

I have a friend who taps and also does yoga and it helps her. I have done yoga off & on and can see how it helps. I do think patience & stress levels are related now that you bring that up, interesting!

 

[diamondringlover]

Interesting topic, I will have to watch this one...as I have NO patience at all, never had and never will I suppose...my 25 year old son has the patience like his father, my 14 year old is like me....we live in an interesting household lol

 

[zoebartlett]

I think I'm patent in most situations and with most people, but I can get very impatient with my husband fairly quickly. He's so laid back it drives me nuts. My dad's pretty laid back also, and my mom's the same way with him that I am with my husband. I think that's where I learned it from, and I'm trying to be more patient. It's not always easy though.

 

[zoebartlett]

I'm naturally calm and patient. I think part of it is that I'm typically content experiencing the present, and I am always aware that time will move on regardless of how I choose to spend it, so I might as well make it pleasant. This makes it easier for me to be patient, and even to endure physical pain, because I know it will pass. I broke my elbow last year (or was it two years ago) and managed to pretend I didn't for an hour-long car ride. I just told myself "You are feeling this now, but it won't last, and the feeling will be there regardless of how you behave. So settle down!" And I did.

I know my husband deliberately worked on becoming more patient in his twenties. He did not want to live like his parents. I think he did a lot of focusing on his habitual behavior, and chose one or two specific situations to practice restraint, and built it up from there.

Haven, I've mentioned this before, but you remind me SO MUCH of my sister. She's a very patient and calm person, and she is the happiest person I know. She takes after my dad. I...don't.

 

[Haven]

I'm naturally calm and patient. I think part of it is that I'm typically content experiencing the present, and I am always aware that time will move on regardless of how I choose to spend it, so I might as well make it pleasant. This makes it easier for me to be patient, and even to endure physical pain, because I know it will pass. I broke my elbow last year (or was it two years ago) and managed to pretend I didn't for an hour-long car ride. I just told myself "You are feeling this now, but it won't last, and the feeling will be there regardless of how you behave. So settle down!" And I did.

I know my husband deliberately worked on becoming more patient in his twenties. He did not want to live like his parents. I think he did a lot of focusing on his habitual behavior, and chose one or two specific situations to practice restraint, and built it up from there.

Haven, I've mentioned this before, but you remind me SO MUCH of my sister. She's a very patient and calm person, and she is the happiest person I know. She takes after my dad. I...don't.

Aw, I'm honored to be compared to your sister, Zoe. Thank you.

I take no credit for my patience. My mother says I used to wake up and sit in my crib singing to myself as a baby. As a small child I would entertain myself for hours by first collecting rocks and then painting them.

 

[Haven]

Apparently I didn't finish my last post . . .

I shared those examples to show that I've apparently had a calm demeanor and a high tolerance for slow activities since birth.