Wedding Party in our honor, but unfair family ratio... advice?

[mia1181]

Okay so MIL wants to throw us a party because we eloped in September. The day after we got married she said she wanted to throw us a party and that it would be "nothing fancy, just immediate family." We were okay with that and grateful she wanted to do anything at all.

But then imagine my shock when we received a wedding card last week from DH''s Aunt and Uncle saying "Your mother said she is throwing a reception for you, we will give you a gift then."

I thought only immediate family?

So I brought it up to MIL on the phone yesterday and her response was "Well we are inviting Aunts and Uncles but not cousins, because you just know how Aunt Cathy has to be there, and it wouldn''t be fair for my side of the family to be there and not my husbands." Okay so in all this talk about fairness on the sides of the family but what about MY family? I don''t think she is planning on invite MY Aunts and Uncles. She doesn''t even know how many I have and hasn''t even asked. So really it''s going to be my Parents and Siblings and his Parents, Siblings, Aunts and Uncles. Is that weird? Are my parents going to be uncomfortable? I''d be if I were them.

I don''t know this for a fact, but if she was going to invite my side wouldn''t she have taken that opportunity to ask how many Aunt and Uncles I have? I should have come out and asked but I was too afraid of the answer.

So what do I do? Do I have any right to say anything since she is the one throwing the party? Well actually DH is going to be the one saying something, not me. I''m too annoyed right now

BTW, the count would be 10 members in my immediate family (including 1 Fiancee and his 2 children) and 20 in his family including Aunt and Uncles.

 

[choro72]

Say it, SAY IT, SAY IIITTT!!!

I would be ticked off too, considering how close I am with all of my relatives. It sounds like you already have plans to talk to her about it though. Let us know how it goes! Grr...

I hope this isn''t the case where you have to relinquish power because she is paying for everything...Actually, if she pulls that out of her pocket I would be tempted to say thanks but no thanks.
Or, maybe I''m overreacting and she is just waiting for you to say something about it.

 

[neatfreak]

Honestly, I think she's allowed to throw whatever kind of party she wants. After all, it's a party not a reception. And I would consider aunts and uncles immediate family personally...but that's a personal thing.

Now question for you. Is the just the principle of her not inviting your family that you are worried about? Or are there people she is leaving out that you would really like there? If the latter, I would just have your DH ask his mom if there is any wiggle room in the guest list.

She likely is looking at it as a party she is throwing...which of course if she were having another kind of party (i.e., holiday party) you wouldn't expect her to invite your whole family right? So I wouldn't take it personally...I doubt she's doing it to spite you. She's probably doing it for her own interests to "show off" her new DIL...and doubtful she is even thinking that there might be more people from your side to invite...

 

[JulieN]

i'm going to ditto neatfreak

this isn't your party. she's the host. you (and DH?) are the guest/s of honor.

if you want to throw a party that includes your family, too, then that's for a separate day.

 

[Blair138]

I disagree-it''s wedding related and therefore should include both sides fairly. I would have your DH say something because I would be too scared too!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Have your husband address the issue...if you had had a more traditional reception, you certainly wouldn''t have excluded anyone. I''m from the school of thought that says you include everybody, tho.

 

[musey]

Half of me agrees with Neatfreak--she''s throwing this party for you. If it were me, I wouldn''t be bothered/surprised by this situation.

The other half of me would suggest, if it really bothers you, to call/email her and say "I have a list of addresses for my aunts and uncles for you, should I just email it?"

Now that I''ve written it out, I think the split is more 80 with Neatfreak, 20 with the passive-aggressive thing

 

[Haven]

I agree with Neatfreak.

It sounds like she''s treating this like the day-after reception brunches parents often host for the bride and groom. I''d say that as long as she''s inviting your immediate family, it sounds fair to me. You can''t really ask her to invite more people to a party that she is hosting.

If you want a party with all of your aunts and uncles in attendance, you should throw a party for yourselves.

 

[swingirl]

She is making a party for you but she is not hosting a reception like you''d have after the ceremony. A wedding reception would include family from both sides but this is not one of those.

The hostess of a party can invite anyone she wants. I would assume she WOULD NOT invite your extended family. Someone from your side can do that if they want to or you can host your own.

Be appreciative that she is making anything. I think it''s a very nice gesture from a MIL.

 

[JerseyGrl81]

Well if your MIL said "it wouldn''t be fair for my side of the family to be there and not my husbands." why would it be fair for your husband''s side of the family to be there and not yours? I think that your husband should approach his mother and ask if she would like the information for your side of the family. Just because my family is paying for my wedding doesn''t mean my fiance''s family isn''t inviting who they want, I think your party should be viewed the same way.

 

[mia1181]

So noone thinks it will be weird for my parents to sit there in room full of DH''s family? I do. I think it''s weird and completely unnecessary. I was fine with a small gathering of immediate family. Are my parents supposed to feel lucky they were invited at all?

She made a whole fuss about how this party is about joining the two families. But now it''s like "well it''s really about our family and a few people from yours can come too." I''m sorry but I think it''s weird. And then for her to say that she "had" to invite so-and-so out of fairness

Am I really the only one who thinks that is odd?

The reason we eloped was out of fairness to the two families. We knew my family wouldn''t be able to make it and when we explained that to her she didn''t care.

I know the hostess gets to invite whoever she wants, but come on were are talking about marriage celebration.

Would your answers be different if it was an actual wedding I was talking about here? Sure, I get that etiquette says whoever is paying can invite anyone they want. I know that, but I just think it''s weird. Why couldn''t she just keep it simple?

 

[KimberlyH]

Your MIL wants to celebrate your marriage in a formal way with her family, a welcoming of sorts, and that's her perogative. If you aren't pleased then I would ask her to call off the celebration, offer to pay for your family members to attend, or request that your parents have a family celebration of their own, but I think it would be out of line to request she invite your family as well.

 

[mia1181]

Oh no, my solution to this problem is to keep it to immediate family, not invite my family. Either that or not have the party at all. Which is actually the best solution because her husband was just laid off.

ETA- actually he's been laid off for a while...

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 11/13/2008 10:53:43 PM
Author: mia1181

Would your answers be different if it was an actual wedding I was talking about here? Sure, I get that etiquette says whoever is paying can invite anyone they want. I know that, but I just think it''s weird. Why couldn''t she just keep it simple?

Yes my answer is different. This is a party she is hosting, not a wedding reception. If it were a wedding reception it would be different IMO. I don''t think the etiquette says that whoever is paying can invite anyone they want at all. I just think that this is a *party*, not a wedding. And whoever is hosting a party can invite whomever they want.

But really, I doubt she was even thinking about it the way you are. She probably is looking at it as a party, not as a reception like you seem to be. Just have your DH talk to her about it and I am sure you can have the rest of your family there too if you want. I don''t think it''s worth getting stressed over unless you KNOW she was trying to shaft your family ya know?

 

[LaraOnline]

Aunts and Uncles (and grandparents, and cousins) are pretty much immediate family in my view.
But I guess that just shows how personal the concepts of ''immediate family'' are.
And if you''ve got a small family, and he''s got a larger one, well that''s just the way the cookie crumbles...it wouldn''t bother me too much, but then again, I guess you could take it up with your mum, and your grandma...

sorry if the whole ''family party'' thing is making you feel bad though. At the end of the day, they''re there to wish you the best, and you only get married once!

 

[mia1181]

Neatfreak I get what you are saying, but I guess I am just annoyed that she is telling everyone it is a reception. She is not having it at her house, it will be in some winter lodge. And originally the plan was all about the two families, not just throwing a party for her family.

I have no proof but I have a feeling that she blurted out this whole "reception" bit to DH''s Aunt and invited them because she was embarrassed to just tell them that we didn''t have a wedding.

I am going to have DH talk to them and tell them that they need to rethink their plans because of their financial situation. By my count they are inviting 30 people, even the cheapest meal will be way more than they should be spending. They have no money saved for retirement and are in their 60''s. Honestly it is very hurtful that she is sooo embarrassed by our elopement that she is going to spend all this money to "save face".

 

[Kaleigh]

I think you and your DH need to have a chat with her. If they are doing this to save face, and can't afford it, don't proceed. I also find it odd that your family wasn't included but that's just me. If you are going to celebrate a union of a couple, you should be inclusive not exclusive.... I know she is paying for it, she can do what she wants. But to me, it's bad form not to include your family.

I am really scratching my head, wish I had better advice. I don't know if it's a cultural thing?? But to me, this just isn't right??

 

[mia1181]

Thanks Kaliegh reading your post made me feel a little less crazy.

I hope I''m not coming off as a bratty DIL giving her MIL a hard time. I just think it was really weird. I would never do something like that. I would never want the other family to feel uncomfortable and I just keep thinking my parents are going to be just that. There will be twice as many of them!

 

[Nocturnius]

Going to go against the grain.

I don''t think you, or your husband, are in any position to complain.

She is hosting the party. I am assuming, then, that she is footing the bill. That gives her the ultimate decision on who to invite. She COULD, if she WANTED, just throw a post-party for you and invite ONLY her family. Post-parties don''t have the etiquette rules wedding receptions do. She can host one for only her side, and tell your family "hey, if you want a party, then you can throw it yourself." She is not obligated to invite anyone she doesn''t want to, and she can invite whomever she chooses - she could invite half of her office if she felt so inclined.

I am not necessarily saying this is the polite thing to do, I''m saying she has every right to.

My wedding itself was lopsided. I had two bridesmaids, my parents, two of my siblings and my brother-in-law. My husband had five groomsmen (although in the end only three showed), his mom and step-dad, his dad, his grandparents, all of his siblings and step-siblings and his aunt and uncle. And my family was paying.

She is throwing you a party out of her own heart and pocket, and she is inviting your close family (parents and siblings.) Who she is willing to pay for is her choice. I know if I were your mother-in-law and I got wind that you were complaining about who I was and was not inviting to a party I was giving you that I didn''t have to, I would be very offended.

It is advised you accept the gesture gracefully and gratefully, and that means not complaining or getting your husband to complain for you.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 11/14/2008 12:56:08 AM
Author: mia1181
Thanks Kaliegh reading your post made me feel a little less crazy.

I hope I'm not coming off as a bratty DIL giving her MIL a hard time. I just think it was really weird. I would never do something like that. I would never want the other family to feel uncomfortable and I just keep thinking my parents are going to be just that. There will be twice as many of them!

Mia, I think many people in her position would invite the same people from both sides (aunts, uncles, siblings, whomever), but since she's hosting I think it's her right to invite who she wants, weird or not.

It reminds me of when my grandfather died, he didn't want any sort of ceremony, but my mom and her siblings couldn't imagine his being buried withot them in attendance; so about 15 of us went to the cemetary and simply watched him be placed in his grave. It was so awkward as it was like having a funeral without actually doing so, and I felt like we'd gone against his wishes. I wished they had either choosen to go ahead with the funeral despite his wishes or done nothing.

It seems like your MIL is attempting to create a reception when one isn't wanted. I would simply ask her to call it off if you're that bothered by it. Let her know how much you appreciate the thought, but given the circumstances, your choice to elope to be fair to both families and her financial situation, you and your DH both think it best not to have any sort of party at all.

 

[Shoopy]

I haven''t read through all of the responses yet but wanted to give my opinion.

She isn''t hosting a "reception" although they are calling it that. This is more a party for you guys to celebrate the marriage and to me the rules are different. Because she''s hosting, its appropriate for her to invite whomever she wants. Now, if it were me I would have extended the invitation to the bride''s family because its the nice thing to do. But obviously she isn''t too concerned with being considerate towards everyone.

So my vote is to not say anything.

 

[Haven]

"Would your answers be different if it was an actual wedding I was talking about here?"
Yes, my answer would be different if it was an actual wedding. But I still agree with Neat and Nocturnius, you cannot expect your MIL to invite your family to a party that she is hosting.

The fact that she is now calling this a reception is odd, and if she's only doing so because you eloped and that embarrasses her, then I'm sorry to hear that she's behaving like that. How unfortunate.

As for your parents feeling uncomfortable, I have to say I don't really understand that. Their daughter just got married and they were invited to celebrate your marriage with your new in-laws and their extended family. If they're uncomfortable in social situations where they don't know many people then they certainly don't have to attend. I think it's very nice of your MIL to a) throw this party, and b) invite your parents.

If you want to celebrate with your extended family (and I know I would, so I certainly don't blame you for wanting to do so!) is there any way you can arrange something with your parents? You could have a potluck brunch at someone's house. That wouldn't put anyone out financially, and you'd get to celebrate together.

 

[sap483]

I too have to agree with Neatfreak and the others. Your MIL is hosting a party for you, and really has the right to invite whomever she pleases. Whether or not this is the polite thing for her to do, or whether this is a ploy to disguise the fact that you eloped from her family, well that''s a different thread. If you don''t like how''s she''s organizing it, politely decline. I''m sure she will be happy in the long run to not have to spend the time and money planning this party if you will be unhappy about it!

 

[swingirl]

Date: 11/14/2008 11:26:56 AM
Author: sap483
I too have to agree with Neatfreak and the others. Your MIL is hosting a party for you, and really has the right to invite whomever she pleases. Whether or not this is the polite thing for her to do, or whether this is a ploy to disguise the fact that you eloped from her family, well that''s a different thread. If you don''t like how''s she''s organizing it, politely decline. I''m sure she will be happy in the long run to not have to spend the time and money planning this party if you will be unhappy about it!

DITTO

Her party. You eloped and elected not to have a reception. Appreciate the offer.

 

[doodle]

My opinion on this one seems to be in the minority. I do agree that if she''s throwing a party, it''s her call, but from what I''m gathering from mia''s posts, she''s passing this off as a legitimate reception rather than an informal get-together because she disapproves of their having eloped. While having someone throw a party for you is generally a nice offer, I personally would be slightly offended to have someone throw a party "in my honor" because they viewed an important life decision that I made for myself with disdain or embarrassment. If I were in your position, I''d tell her that I really appreciate the gesture, but I''d much rather not burden them with the additional effort and ask if an informal night out to dinner with just me, my husband, his parents, and mine, and those people only (or siblings, too, if there are any) could be arranged instead.

Also, I see where you''re coming from about your parents feeling uncomfortable. My parents are very friendly and have had no problems interacting with my husband''s family, but I know my parents would feel more like an afterthought than a guest if they were invited to a gathering of all my DH''s family without any of my other family members being invited. I think some of it depends on your family dynamic, too, though, as my family tends to travel in a pack everywhere we go, haha!

Just tread carefully however you decide to handle the situation. While uncomfortable, I wouldn''t want to risk offending the MIL either!

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 11/14/2008 12:29:34 AM
Author: mia1181
Neatfreak I get what you are saying, but I guess I am just annoyed that she is telling everyone it is a reception. She is not having it at her house, it will be in some winter lodge. And originally the plan was all about the two families, not just throwing a party for her family.

I have no proof but I have a feeling that she blurted out this whole ''reception'' bit to DH''s Aunt and invited them because she was embarrassed to just tell them that we didn''t have a wedding.

I am going to have DH talk to them and tell them that they need to rethink their plans because of their financial situation. By my count they are inviting 30 people, even the cheapest meal will be way more than they should be spending. They have no money saved for retirement and are in their 60''s. Honestly it is very hurtful that she is sooo embarrassed by our elopement that she is going to spend all this money to ''save face''.

His parents, I presume, are adults who are fully aware of their financial obligations and positions. I don''t believe they''d take kindly to being told what they can and cannot afford or how they should spend (or not spend) their own money. Honestly, I''d be offended by the approach you''ve suggested if it were said to me.

I have to agree with most here. I''d not make a sticking point on this.

I understand it was your wedding and you had every right to choose to elope. That said, though, your choice affected her. She was denied the opportunity to be present at or celebrate her son''s wedding because your family wasn''t able to attend. This was a major life event for her, too, and she wants to share her joy and celebrate it with her family.

As others have said, this isn''t really a wedding reception; it''s an after-wedding party. You ultimately got to have what you wanted in eloping. It would be nice to give her something she really wants, too, in allowing her to celebrate your union. I think indulging her on this would be a very smart choice.

 

[mia1181]

I hear what you all are saying, I really do. I think I have made it clear in my previous posts that I know she can do whatever she wants with her money. I am not disputing that. I understand that I have no control over this situation. But since this party is "supposed" to be for us, I just don''t see the harm in asking her to reconsider. I''m not talking about making demands or ultimatums. I am just going ask her to reconsider.

I just think what she is doing is rude. Maybe not the worst offense in the world, but it is something I would never do. I feel the solution is to only include immediate family only. But I realize it''s her choice and there is nothing I can do about it.

DH and his brother are the ones upset about their parents'' finances. They have been constantly complaining that they have no money and she is constantly badgering her husband for not having a job in front of everyone. It is making everyone uncomfortable and it is worrysome that they may go into debt for this little party when they should be thinking about retirement. Again we all realize it is THEIR money and they can do whatever they want with it.

I have to admit that maybe I am just frustrated with the fact that I feel she thinks she "HAS" to pay for this party (which she chooses to call a reception) in order to make up for the fact that we eloped. I honestly think she knows it''s not the best move financially, but she has no choice since we have made it clear that we do not want to pay for a party.

 

[Halo]

I''m a little late to this thread, but here''s my 2 cents anyway:


I sympathize with you, Mia, because I think I would feel the same way in this situation.

My FF''s family is very "family oriented" and I know that his mother would invite the same family from both his side and mine. If she didn''t it would be very strange and certainly wouldn''t help build a positive connection between our families and my FF would bring up this issue with her. If this is a party to celebrate your marriage and honour you and your DH then I would have assumed she would have given you a little more control over which of your family you wanted to invite, especially after she revamped the guest restrictions for herself. Also, if your MIL feels that she "had" to invite certain members of her family, how could she not think that the same members of your family shouldn''t also be invited? I think that having the guest count so heavily weighted to my MIL''s side would likely anger and offend my family and could make the ones who were invited feel more like they had received token invites

However this is going by the dynamics of my family and my FF''s, so it may be different in your situation.

My FF''s family is also struggling financially and so I can relate to your concerns about this, as my FF''s parents constantly throw parties that overextend them financially. Perhaps because this party is related to your wedding your MIL may feel ok with incurring the rather large expense of this party, who knows. If I were in a similar situation I think I might suggest that she keep it to immediate family as originally planned, to help with expenses, but then again she may take offense

It''s a tricky situation, but I think the best thing I can say would be to be honest with her, however you decide to deal with the situation. I think that''s the only way to build a great foundation and set a precedence for your relationship with your new MIL.

Good luck

!

 

[KimberlyH]

So what I''m hearing is your husband doesn''t want her to spend the money and you don''t want your family to feel left out and are bothered that she feels the need to throw this gathering to make up for your choice to elope. If I''m correct than I don''t understand why you, as a couple, wouldn''t just ask her to call off the party rather than expecting her to uninvite certain guests, or invite more people (which means spending more money she doesn''t have). Add this all up and any request you and your husband make at this point is highly likely to cause problems between you two and her and her husband.

 

[mia1181]

Update! Good news. DH called her last night and worked it out. He told her that he was uncomfortable with the fact that she was calling it a reception. He said the reason we eloped was so that we wouldn''t be in this situation of inviting relatives we just aren''t close to and to avoid the whole "fairness" issue. He told her we were happy with no party at all, but if she still wanted a party that maybe she should consider only immediate family, especially considering their financial situation. She was fine with it. They decided to have a small party with Parents and Siblings Only and then if other family members are interested they can come over to her house and see us at another time. This way she isn''t paying for all of their meals at the restaraunt. I was actually surprised that she didn''t think it was that big of a deal. Part of me wonders if she knew it was a bad idea and was just waiting for us to give her an out. Oh and the best news of all... FIL WAS CALLED BACK TO WORK!

. So everyone is happy now!