Parent Talk

[madelise]

◉ Are your parents still together? Are his parents still together?
◉ Has any of this had any impact on your views on engagement and marriage?
◉ Have you met his parents? Has he met yours? Have they met each other?

 

[madelise]

My parents are not together. My father appears to be a womanizer (he once told me it's the modern thing to do for couples to not live together and not marry. ) My mother has had unstable relationships her whole life. Growing up, it did not affect me in the idea that I didn't want to marry or was scared of divorced or whatever… Instead, I blamed it on the fact that they came from two different cultures. I only dated Asian guys for quite some time because I thought that it would be too much to clash two cultures. In fact, I still struggle with the culture clash with SO.. but at least I took a leap of faith with him.

His parents came from an arranged marriage, where mom was 15 and dad was 18. They are still together, and very very in love with each other. They flirt all the time, and when FFIL is out on business trips, he calls home at least once a day and they miss each other madly. SO once mentioned that his parents are the ONLY couple he's ever known that hasn't cheated, physically or emotionally. I think his parents are the only reason he believes in marriage. He had a lot of doubts about relationships staying faithful when I first met him, and was always very weary of other men in my life. I think if his parents split, or if his dad was a womanizer, SO would have no faith in relationships.

I have met his parents, and he has met my whole family. They have not met each other. I'm actually very glad that I pressed early on in our relationship that I wasn't to take our relationship seriously if he doesn't introduce me to his parents. I have always felt that relationships are stronger when parents know of the significant other's existence. I mean, if they didn't know he had a GF, they'd be trying to hook him up with other women! And who knows if he could have been bringing other girls over. I met them about 3 months into our relationship, and I almost had to force SO to introduce us. He wasn't allowed to have a GF since he was still in school, but I didn't care. I think I was saying that I'd rather break up with him or just remain casually dating if he didn't bring me home. I'm glad I did that. His parents still don't know his older brother has a GF, and they've been together longer than we have!

 

[Impudent_Crumpet]

Both sets of parents are still together, but my dad's side of the family has had more than its fair share of divorces, so I know that's something that has pretty deeply impacted my views on the whole idea of marriage, and is part of why even though I'm sure the Dude is the Dude, the fact that we haven't been together that long still freaks me out.

I've met his, he's met mine (and put up the Christmas tree with my dad). He gave my parents a Christmas present, I'm working on a very belated present for his parents. They haven't met each other yet, which is probably a good thing since I'm pretty sure his mom + my mom would get in so much mischief.

 

[madelise]

I'm pretty sure his mom + my mom would get in so much mischief.

LOL! ooooh what kind of mischief!

 

[MBKRH]

◉ Are your parents still together? Are his parents still together?

-My parents divorced when I was 11. My father remarried seven years ago; my mother has been living with her boyfriend for 17 years (talk about LIW! lol she doesn't care to remarry, though).
-M's parents are still together.


◉ Has any of this had any impact on your views on engagement and marriage?
I suppose it has given me a negative viewpoint on marriage and engagement. I feel that I'll end up one of the "50% divorcees."Not to mention that working in family law, all I deal with all day are broken homes and families.

◉ Have you met his parents? Has he met yours? Have they met each other?
-Yes
-Yes
-My father/step-mom have met his parents. My mother and her bf have not.

 

[madelise]

Whoops, realized "Has any of this had any impact on your views on engagement and marriage?" the your is meant to be plural your, meaning your's and your SO's /Fail.

MBKRH: The 50% divorce rate isn't true It's a myth. I believe the % is actually closer to 40%, but that's inclusive of the WHOLE population. With education comes lower divorce rate, and with different income brackets, there are different divorce rates. People in their second and third and fourth…. and up.. marriages have higher divorce rates, higher with each addt'l marriage. People who marry very young have higher divorce rates. Thanks to FrekeChild, I got to look into it and debate back to my SO when he brought up that 50% divorce rate topic!! no extra worries necessary! Your workplace is only feeding the confirmation bias, but don't let that get to you!

 

[mandasand]

◉ Are your parents still together? Are his parents still together?
◉ Has any of this had any impact on your views on engagement and marriage?
◉ Have you met his parents? Has he met yours? Have they met each other?

My parents have been together 40 years and his parents have been together 41 years! My parents met after my dad came back from being drafted during Vietnam...he was stationed in Germany. They dated for a while and then my mom got pregnant. My mom, being a strong and successful independent woman (even in the early 70s) told my dad he wasn't obligated. They got married and I have two sisters, I'm the youngest. His parents are high school sweethearts and married at the tender age of 18. MY SO has an older brother. Our parents are an inspiration to us.

I have met his parents...we live in California and they live in Baltimore, so it's difficult to see them. My parents live an hour from us, so we see them all the time. Our parents haven't met yet and I hope that they will this year. It would be "nice," but not a necessity.

My SO and I have both been married before (no kids) and I think the divorce rate nowadays has to do with the "disposable" society we live in. If you don't like your job, get a new one. If you don't like your car, buy a new one. If you don't like your partner, go find a new one. REAL commitment is lacking in society now. Both our exes were horrible choices and we both married young. Our ROLE MODELS, mom and dad, showed us that you stick together through thick and thin. Marriage has to be a partnership, not one's own selfish desires.

 

[princesss]

So, the parents topic is one that kind of makes me giggle because with the whole LDR craziness there is a real chance our parents wouldn't meet until the week of the wedding (assuming this all happens, of course). Between the two of us and our parents we're split between 3 different continents.

To answer the questions:

Yes, both of our parents are still together. It's probably affected how we view marriage - though most of his friends that are in relationships have been with their significant other for 5-10+ years with no marriage or engagement, and several of them have babies together, so he thinks of marriage as a little more optional than I do. However, to actually be together and be sure we can stay in the same place, we have to get married. Yay immigration?

Have we met each others parents? Have they met each other? Nooooooo. Definitely not. Mine live in Dubai, his live in Wales, he lives in England, and I live in the US. I know his dad is curious about me and has asked questions, and he finally showed them a picture of me. Apparently I was news this Christmas - he showed his aunt a photo and she grabbed his phone and ran to the other side of the room so they could look at it. I thought he was kidding until he said, "I've never seen granddad move so fast." My parents have seen pictures and they ask questions about him - I know they're curious, and if I didn't know that already, the fact that they have enlisted a mutual friend to take notes when they meet him and report back would have been a good clue. But honestly, even if we lived in the same city as our parents, I probably wouldn't have let him meet them until around now anyways. After the last break up I decided I wouldn't introduce them to anybody until I was very confident in the direction we were heading, and he tends to not share a whole lot with his parents so I doubt I would have met them, either.

 

[gem_anemone]

Both my parents and his parents are divorced. Both of our sets of parents had us as teenagers, married too young and it didn't work out. My mom has been remarried for 17(?) years. My dad has been remarried twice. I don't talk to him anymore, but I think he is married currently. My dad is a womanizer/cheater. DH's mom is remarried and has been for like 5 or 6 years(?). DH's dad has never remarried although he has had two long term gfs, but is currently single or dating someone new.

It has had impacted us such that for me I didn't want to have kids early or "settle" and potentially end up in divorce. I have seen how divorce can impact a family and children. I never want that for my future family. DH is the same way. He's been angry at his mom for "causing" the divorce from his dad and felt like she didn't try to make it work. We both believe that marriage is for life and something you should work on if there are issues, however both of us are very flexible and willing to compromise, whereas, like with his mom and dad they were not willing to change to make the relationship work. So every couple is different.

We are married, so yes everyone met at the wedding although no one has met my bio-dad because he wasn't invited.

 

[LoveLikeCrazy]

◉ Are your parents still together? Are his parents still together?

my parents are still together. His parents were together until his mom passed away when he was in his teens and his dad has had the same GF ever since.

◉ Has any of this had any impact on your views on engagement and marriage?

Nope!

◉ Have you met his parents? Has he met yours? Have they met each other?

Surprisingly i havent met his dad...although his dad is pretty much a douche. He moved to another state with his GF and they do everything with her kids...invite her kids on trips...visit her kids for the holidays....if they do come "home" (they are both from where we live), they stay with her kids, and make plans with them and then will call my SO last minute and tell him to meet at like a dennys...it grinds my gears!!! He was here for xmas last year and didnt even invite my SO to the holiday party at the GF's son's house!

Im not looking fwd to meeting him either bc i know how upset SO is about all of this. Ive tried to urge him to talk to his dad, saying maybe he doesn't realize what he is doing to SO...(trying to give the benefit of the doubt) - but SO hasn't yet...they barely talk...his dad still cant even remember my name. He has no other family, but his dad so i feel really badly for him.

AS for my parents...THEY LOVE HIM MORE THAN THEY LOVE ME!!! They feel really badly about his dad situation. my dad and mom cried when i told them and said how much they care about him and how they can't imagine a father doing that to their child. I love my parents...they really are the best!

ETA: we see my parents weekly. My bros also LOVE him. First BF they have ever liked. My bro that lives here we hang out with every week/every other week and my bro and sis in law in fl love him too. So nice to have everyone get along and genuinely like each other!

 

[pandabee]

Short version (on my phone): both our parents are still together. Going on 27? years for my parents, at least the same amount for SO's parents. I think it's good that we've had good role models around us and I don't think anything has directly influenced our views but I'm sure it is a factor. He met my parents last Christmas after we had been dating for a little over a year. I didn't meet his parents until this thanksgiving after two years. Most of that was logistics. They haven't met each other and likely won't until graduation in May (that's the only time I can think they would be able to until our wedding).

 

[misscuppycake]

My parents are still together after 30 years of marriage and although for the most part I think there are happy, there have been some aspects of their marriage that turned me off of the concept at certain points in my life. Sometimes it seemed like a lot of effort to save face despite the problems they were having because they'd taken vows in front of others. *shrug* I am happy for them in the end and I assume that because I've never lived through any form of a divorce or separation as a kid, I don't ever find myself jaded in that way.

SO's parents, on the other hand, are divorced and have been since he was pretty young. He's never REALLY known them together, but all three of them have a pretty amazing relationship. He's close with his mom, he's close with his dad, and despite re-marriages, his mom and dad actually still talk all the time. While he's never really said it, I think SO does have SOME reservations about marriage because of the experience his parents went through but evidently he is able to get past it.

He's met my parents several times (Christmas, Thanksgiving, summer BBQs, dinners out, etc.). I've met his mom only a handful of times because she lives out of town. I actually lived with his dad for several months because he moved into our place during his renovations. We all have a pretty decent relationship with each others' parents but we're not best friends or anything like that. Our parents have not formally met each other, but SO's dad came to one of my singing performances and my parents were there so they exchanged friendly hellos and that's about it.

 

[lkc84]

Are your parents still together? Are his parents still together?

Neither. My parents divorced when I was 9 and both have remarried. I like both my stepdad and stepmom, so it all worked out okay.
SO's parents divorced when he was 18. I've gathered that his dad pretty much waited until SO graduated HS and then was out. SO's dad has remarried, his mom hasn't even dated since and it's been almost 10 years.

◉ Has any of this had any impact on your views on engagement and marriage?

Oh yeah. I've pretty much decided that I only want to do this once and made damn sure I found the right one. Being a child of divorce sucks and I'd never want to put my kids through it. I still wholeheartedly believe in marriage though. Both my parents got it right the second time around.

SO...oh geez how much space do I have? It soured him completely on the thought of marriage. It made him very cynical. His mom has had a rough time since the split and I think the effect on her really had an effect on him. He really had to step up and be the main support system in her life since he is an only child and his extended family was...less than helpful (to put it nicely). I know he worries about her (and I do too). His dad moved on and remarried and their marriage has a fair amount of drama. His second wife has left a few times and writes passive aggressive stuff on Facebook that I think she forgets SO and I can see. But then all is good a few weeks later. He hasn't had the best examples of marriage in his life.

◉ Have you met his parents? Has he met yours? Have they met each other?

Yes, I've met both. I see his mom weekly. His dad lives out of state and I see him once or twice a year. I like them both. He's been around both sets of my parents regularly for years and gets along with all of them. He especially gets along well with my stepdad and they sometimes get together and play guitar.

Our moms have met and while I don't think they'll be BFFs, they do get along.

 

[madelise]

I think the divorce rate nowadays has to do with the "disposable" society we live in. If you don't like your job, get a new one. If you don't like your car, buy a new one. If you don't like your partner, go find a new one. REAL commitment is lacking in society now.

Divorce rates actually lowered a lot for modern times
another one of my fun facts I learned while researching thanks to Freke!

I don't disagree that this modern world is more disposable, though, but I honestly don't feel relationships are one. I think we're so distanced from everything, that we crave connection, and the only place to find that now is usually in a SO. I know it's that way with myself, and I know it's that way with many people I know. We become machines and robots for society, spending our time slaving away at the smallest attempt to succeeding at the American Dream… and don't even have time for ourselves anymore, let alone friends or a minute long friendly conversation just because with an elderly neighbor. Who knows their neighbors anymore? Who really has close intimate friends anymore? We're so disconnected that we spend our free time on the internet, speaking to strangers rather than our close friends. We're so disconnected that we share more intimate details with online friends and manicurists than we do our friends we spend the most time with. We're so scared of judgement that we divulge our darkest secrets to those that are more disposable (internet, hair dresser, etc) than to those we want to keep around. How screwed up is that? We don't trust them with our true selves; we aren't even actually friends with our friends! We pull out cellphones when we have a split second of free time because we just crave feeling a connection to others and don't know how to do it with people in real life. All that yearning for a connection is fulfilled in really just our significant others. They're the only ones we have time to actually get to know in their true raw forms, since relationships are a convenience as well: someone to share rent with, share movies with, share food with.. all while getting your fix for intimacy. They're the only ones that see us raw: without makeup on, sick, fat, gross, boogery, farting, drunk, smelly, social requirements out the door.. I know I hang onto this for deal life. It was the reason why it took so long for me to leave my ex. I know it's also a reason why many people take too long to leave their partners that are not right for them. I would feel it is even counterintuitive to the disposable society, as people cling on too tight for too long with partners that are not right for them. Why should someone stay with a partner they don't like? They shouldn't. But they do anyway. I know I did. And I have a whole Facebook full of couples I can toss under this bus.

If anything, I have learned in my past relationship that I can't force myself to stay in this comfort zone of familiarity. It is why I was adamant that if SO didn't see a future in us, we split. And I keep bringing this topic up to him. It is why I had a conversation with him on New Years day about why he hasn't proposed, and if we were going to split. The longer you spend your time with someone that isn't right for you, the longer you're not spending it with someone who is.


Oops. Another one of M's tangents, sorry, carry along

 

[madelise]

most of his friends that are in relationships have been with their significant other for 5-10+ years with no marriage or engagement, and several of them have babies together, so he thinks of marriage as a little more optional than I do.

I see a lot of that.. I think it's more common in Europe than here in the US, no? Maybe religion has something to do with the social acceptance or demand of marriage?

 

[madelise]

I'm so glad that most of you who have had parents that split, report that they've found lifelong partners in other people. I'm not anti-divorce whatsoever. In fact, this actually gave me hope that the divorce isn't just some super negative, vindictive cheating situation or screwing each other over situation… My screwed up little head automatically goes, "SOMEONE CHEATED" whenever someone divorces, but that's not true at all.

Thank you for sharing It's helped me become less anti-divorce.

 

[lkc84]

I'm so glad that most of you who have had parents that split, report that they've found lifelong partners in other people. I'm not anti-divorce whatsoever. In fact, this actually gave me hope that the divorce isn't just some super negative, vindictive cheating situation or screwing each other over situation… My screwed up little head automatically goes, "SOMEONE CHEATED" whenever someone divorces, but that's not true at all.

Thank you for sharing It's helped me become less anti-divorce.

I'm glad it helped you!! While I never wish divorce on anyone, sometimes it is for the best and my parents are civil, sometimes even friendly to each other now that almost 20 years have gone by. It's not always terrible.

 

[star sparkle]

My parents were never married and were never "together" during my life. My mom has never married and my father has remarried. FI's parents divorced when he was young, and his mother has had two additional divorces since then while his father has had one.

Even so, none of this has ever affected my views on marriage. I've always wanted it and I don't believe that just because our parents have failed relationships, that necessarily means I will too. I've always wanted to be married and have a family someday, and nothing has changed that.

FI says that before he met me, he never wanted to get married or have a family. Then he met me, and realized that he does.

 

[princesss]

most of his friends that are in relationships have been with their significant other for 5-10+ years with no marriage or engagement, and several of them have babies together, so he thinks of marriage as a little more optional than I do.

I see a lot of that.. I think it's more common in Europe than here in the US, no? Maybe religion has something to do with the social acceptance or demand of marriage?

I think so. I told him that's fine for them, but marriage is a dealbreaker for me and he can plan accordingly. He doesn't totally understand it, but he knows it's important to me, so he can figure out what he wants to do. If I get into grad school and I graduate and can't find a job there, he knows I'm not coming back here. So his options are figure out a way to keep me there (marriage visas are very helpful for that), or to help me carry my bags to the airport. NZ makes it super easy to immigrate if you're under 30, especially if you have an advanced degree.

 

[Impudent_Crumpet]

Both sets of parents are still together

I should probably modify this to add that it's his dad's second marriage, but my Dude wasn't born yet so all he's known is his parents (who got married a week after he was born... scandal! ) I don't know that it's affected him a lot, except that he didn't really know his older sister growing up. But she's happily married now, and apparently away from the toxic influence of her biomom, so hopefully the relationship between Dude and Dude's older sister will flower over time

I'm pretty sure his mom + my mom would get in so much mischief.

LOL! ooooh what kind of mischief!

I'd put healthy money on it involving an exchange and untimely release of baby pictures.

 

[maple2012]

◉ Are your parents still together? Are his parents still together?
◉ Has any of this had any impact on your views on engagement and marriage?
◉ Have you met his parents? Has he met yours? Have they met each other?

1) My parents are still together! His parents are also still together
2) No, I don't think it has had an impact on engagement or marriage.
3) I have met his parents! He has not met mine (they live a five hour flight from us). I also refuse to introduce him to my parents until we get engaged. My parents found out we are living together and I don't feel comfortable having him around my family if they know this and we are not engaged. I am a bit embarrased about it to be honest. However, we are planning a trip to meet my parents in Fall 2013 and the idea is that I'll have the ring on my finger before then. He mentioned that if my dad ever called him out on playing "house" and not being engaged... he would reply, "well it's your daughter's fault for having an expensive ring taste"

Our parents have not met each other. I should add that my parent's don't speak English and his don't speak any other language other than English. I honestly don't how that one is going to go... I might just cover my eyes and keep my fingers crossed.

 

[Chewbacca]

Are your parents still together? Are his parents still together? Yes, both sets have been married for 32 years.

Has any of this had any impact on your views on engagement and marriage? I'm sure it has! His are a better example.

Have you met his parents? Has he met yours? Have they met each other? Very much yes! We know each others parents very well. Our families also know each other fairly well. We all live in the same city, and we both lived at home when we met.

 

[mimB]

◉ Are your parents still together? Are his parents still together?
My parents are still together after getting married in their early twenties (which was late, by the standards of the society where they lived. A lot of their peers already had children by then). Being married doesn't mean being married successfully. From what I see, their lives together became more harmonious in the past 5 years, but the amount of fighting and disrespect before... My sister and I often wondered if they loved each other, and if they would divorce. When we used to ask them, both my dad and mom would inhale deeply, and say something like "your father/mother has some excellent qualities...".
This didn't impact my view of marriage, but had a negative impact of what I felt was normal and acceptable in a relationship.

My SO's parents are divorced - married young (1, had him young (19), and divorced when he was about 9? Since then, his mother has been in a successful relationship (15 years together, her husband still looks at her with adoration). His father has been married twice more, seems to be in a stable relationship right now, but has been putting all his energies into custody battles for his two children from the second Ex.
Interestingly, this made my SO one of the youngest and only men I know who knew he wanted a family and children.

I am divorced, however.
I married at 19 (my ex is almost 4 years older), and divorced summer of 2012, at 24 year of age - no children.
"Marriage" isn't a universal, concretely defined thing. Depending on how well you communicate with your partner, it's a concept that may be different for each of you. So to say that a higher divorce rate means some sort of negative thing about our direction as a culture... is greatly simplifying the matter.
In my case, my parents convinced me that I shouldn't live with someone unless I'm married. Their conservatism and my lack of independent thinking is what resulted in a divorce. It's fully possible that had I thought it was ok to cohabit without the expectation of life long commitment, me and my ex would have realized sooner that instead of being unhappy due to conflicting wants out of life, it made sense to split up. We would have hurt each other less. We would never have gotten married in the first place.

So, instead of feeling like I am a divorcee, most of the days i don't remember that I was married. By my standards, what my ex and I had didn't feel like marriage even though it was legally so.

My SO and I have been together for about 1.5 years, and from the first months I felt married to him. We try to be partners to each other in all endeavors, and actively envision and plan our life together. I can see us into old age, still best friends, still happy.
I fully expect that getting legally married will not change how i feel about our relationship.
(But I can feel this BECAUSE I am divorced. I am just as certain that my SO WILL feel subtle differences about our togetherness once we marry).

◉ Have you met his parents? Has he met yours? Have they met each other?
We're met each others parents, and because everyone lives within an hour's drive, we tend to see our parents often.
His parents are kind of interested in meeting mine, but mine are rather stubborn about not really needing to meet my SO's parents until we get married.
To be honest, this pisses me off (It's like they're saying "you've divorced once. We don't want to commit ourselves to a new family member until you get married, because we don't believe that you're committed and he's committed unless it's marriage". So I get why they're protecting themselves, but I'm still mad).

 

[MayFlowers]

Are your parents still together? Are his parents still together? My parents have been together 38 years. His parents divorced when he was about 2. His dad remarried maybe 16 or 17 years ago and they are happily married. His mom has never dated and probably never will.

Has any of this had any impact on your views on engagement and marriage? Yes. BF has been very hesitant about marriage and about how things in our relationship our done in terms of finances, living together, etc. He has based this on the fact the his dad did these things in his second marriage and not in his first. Since his second marriage has survived, then those things must help strengthen your marriage. Really, I think now that he is a little older, he realizes his mom was/is just crazy

Have you met his parents? Has he met yours? Have they met each other? I have met his parents and they often stay the weekend with us now in our house. He has met my parents as well. Our parents have met each other on several occasions and get along well. I wouldn't say that they would become close friends, especially not my mom and BF's stepmom. There is about a 10 year age gap between them and they are two very different people. But, they still get along well. I really love that we all get along together.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

My parents have been "married" for 37 years. Actually, they only got officially married some 20 years ago, because of paperwork and taxes, but they have considered themselves married since the day they moved in together, they just didn't care for a huge party or to inform the government. They are very happy together and complement each other. However, it is a second marriage for both of them. Each had married when very young and the first marriage didn't work out.

Divorce doesn't scare me. Looking at my extended family: my father has 4 siblings. 1 has been married for over 40 years. The second has divorced twice and is happy with her partner of 30+ years. The third is on his second marriage as well, which has also lasted 30+ years. The youngest is divorced and single. So, the divorce rate for that side of the family is 50% yet nearly everyone is in very long term relationships and happy with their partners. Except for my divorced aunt, everyone had children with their long term partners, not in the first marriage. It was, mostly, a case of making a mistake, fixing it and moving on.

On my mother's side, my mother is on her second marriage, my aunt is divorced (she never wanted to get married, just have a long term relationship with her BF, living in separate houses but my grandfather kicked such a fuss that the two eventually married) and my uncle never married. Divorce rate: 66%, yet everyone is sane and happy, no marriage was a "starter" marriage or taken lightly.

 

[advokait]

Both of our parents are still together, both couples got married a little later though. (Both late 20's)
I think this had impact, it taught me that even though you don't always agree with someone you learn to live with it and get 'through' it with them, together which is what marriage is all about. My parents are literally best friends so that's always what I wanted to have in a lifelong relationship.
I've met his parents, he's met mine, and they've all met each other. They all get along just fine. that intentionally rhymes!

 

[MBKRH]

I've met his parents, he's met mine, and they've all met each other. They all get along just fine. that intentionally rhymes!

That made me laugh out loud! lol

 

[fabulousfindk]

◉ Are your parents still together? Are his parents still together?
◉ Has any of this had any impact on your views on engagement and marriage?
◉ Have you met his parents? Has he met yours? Have they met each other?

My parents have each been married three times. They were both each other's second marriage. They found their perfect partners late in life. This has made me EXTREMELY wary about getting married young (I'm 28, he's 27, we've been together 5 years) because I have a huge fear of having to start over in my 40's, because I watched both of my parents do it. Their divorce was extremely hard on me, though I'm happy they're both happy now.

SO's parents married in their early 20's and have been married for 30 years. But they are not affectionate nor do they seem to really like each other all that much.

We both spend a LOT of time with each other's parents. We've both been on several vacations with all my various parents and his, and we spend the holidays with both. I feel lucky to have an SO whose family is so important to him and who cares just as much about my family. But I'm terrified of getting divorced!

 

[teacup]

◉ Are your parents still together? Are his parents still together?
My parents separated about a year and a half ago after 20+ years of marriage. They are not yet divorced, but it's pretty much a done deal. My dad isn't pushing it very hard right now because my mom has gone through very hard times lately, and she just honestly can't take the drama. My mom does not seem interested in any future relationships (I hope this changes) and my dad hasn't said much on the topic, but I get the impression that he's open to future relationships. SO's parents divorced when he was very young. His mom is now remarried (though maybe not so happily) and his dad has been remarried and divorced twice and is currently in a relationship.

◉ Has any of this had any impact on your views on engagement and marriage?
Yes. Though I am sure I want to marry SO, thinking about my parents' situation makes me sad and a tad anxious about the future. I honestly believe that my parents were not right for each other, but it seems like it took them a very long time to realize that. Though SO and I are pretty much perfect together, sometimes a part of me looks at my mother and thinks, "that could be me." SO has definitely been affected by his parents' situations. So far as we know, his father has cheated on every woman he's ever been with, SO's mom included. This has made SO EXTREMELY averse to the idea of cheating. He is big on commitment; always has been. Honestly, I believe that my parents' separation is one of the main reasons SO and I aren't engaged yet. He has asked me my thoughts regarding a timeline, and this is one of the main things that's holding me back. I am terrified of hurting my mother by getting engaged right now. I don't know exactly how she'd react, but I'm just scared of doing ANYTHING to hurt her because she is so sensitive right now (rightly so). I honestly don't know if she could be happy for me at this point in her life, and I think that would be really hard for me. I'm curious as to whether or not any of you ladies have gone through something similar, or if you dealt with this kind of situation in a different way.

◉ Have you met his parents? Has he met yours? Have they met each other?
SO has spent a ton of time with my parents and I've spent a lot of time with his mom. I've only seen his dad a handful of times, but he doesn't live very close. My parents have met his, but only a few times.

Oh and hi, by the way. I've been lurking for awhile, so I figured it was time to actually post.

 

[Chewbacca]

Hi, teacup!

I'm sorry about your parents, that is a HUGE change after 20+ years. I'm sure some LIW's will have been in similar situations and will be happy to offer thoughts.

You should start a new thread so no one misses your intro!