oy. . .i feel so bad

[cellososweet]

Hi everyone. . it''s been a while

Our date was set at August 18th, 2007 but my father got laid off from work and we had to rework the wedding due to financial hardships. We are pitching in more and they are pitching in less, but the original place was still way out of our new budget. So we had to cancel. I was heart-broken because I thought we''d never find anything I would love as much, let alone in 2007 (I''m in a big bridal-area. . .OC/LA California). Things are mostly booked up. Well, I was ready to give up on the whole thing but my mum convinced me to look at one last place. I feel in love. They only had two saturday nights left for 2007. One was labor day weekend (not too into that idea as a lot of my friends go to Mexico on long weekends). The other was May 5, 2007 (Cinco de Mayo). Since neither of us are Hispanic and only a few of our friends our, we thought that Cinco de Mayo wouldn''t interrupt anyones party plans or anything. I got really excited and we booked for May 5, 2007. Things were looking up! My fiance was there when we booked and was excited as well.

Well. . . his cousin found out about our date and reminded him that it was the day his grandmother died. ouch! i''m really upset and feel terribly. I''m pretty upset with FI that he had forgotten this. But, considering that he talks to himself more than he talks to his family (haha), i got over it pretty quickly. But, i just feel really bad and am not sure what i should do now. :-/ His family is extremely racist and disapproves of our marriage alltogether. I feel like this will be a stab for them. Like I did this on purpose. I think about how upset I would be if say, my brother''s (imaginary) fiancee picked the anniversary of my grandmother''s death as their wedding date. And i''d be pretty pissed at him, considering it was a shock for our family when she died and was an extremely difficult time, if he forgot the day.

So. . .how do I handle this? They won''t talk to me anyways. . .and quite frankly FI is still debating on whether or not he wants them at the wedding no matter when it is. I guess i just feel bad that we chose this date. And i think it will make tensions even worse for him and his family. Is there anything I can do? They won''t talk to me anyways, so calling to explain isn''t an option. I just feel bad. any ideas??

ps- for all who followed my other dramas, FI and I are doing extremely well. I''ve let go of a lot of things and so has he. After we set the date, things fell into place with us. i guess we both realized that we needed to get over ourselves sooner than later or we were headed for a hard time.

 

[firebirdgold]

Is it the first anniversary of her death?
I say keep the date and do something during the ceremony to aknowlege her. One of the weddings I went to this summer, the bride and groom lit a candle in the memory of and to symbolize their loved ones who were no longer with them. I thought that was a nice touch.

 

[diamondfan]

How long ago did she die? I know I might sound a bit off, but maybe putting a nice memory on the day would be a good thing? I am not sure how I would feel, but how is your fiance feeling about it? And if you chose Labor Day, would you friends consider skipping one vacation weekend with lots of notice to attend your wedding? I would pass up a trip for friend, so maybe September is not so bad after all...

 

[cellososweet]

hi girls. . .i think it was a few years ago. My fiance wants to switch dates because his whole family would be pissed (obviously). I got a reply from my coordinator and there are now no dates left next year. Argh. I''ve already planned this wedding all the way through twice! I am sick of it by now. Does anyone understand what I mean? If we have to change venues, I rather just jump a cab to vegas. Imagine planning your wedding three times! all the vendors booked, cancelled, some rebooked, some new ones booked. yikes! FI is pretty pissed at himself that he forgot (claims he didn''t even know to begin with which is feasible given how close his family is . . . lovely). i would say honoring her would be good. But since his family hates (and i mean hates) me, i don''t know if they would take offense ya know? hmmm. . . . i''m so over this wedding. i just want to be married. all this crap is so not important. i almost gave up after the first one was planned and fell through. i was so over it. but my mum is foreign and really wanted the white wedding for me. so i went to the new place to humor her really. i just happened to fall in love with it. now i''m just feeling frustrated that we are having such a hard time with the wedding. it''s beginning to feel so awfully stupid. eloping sounds heavenly

 

[poptart]

COULD you elope? Is that feasible? Because at this point it almost sounds like that is the easiest thing to do. And that might take care of his family because they wouldn''t want to be "put out" and come to the ceremony (not that they necessarily would anyway). I went back and read your previous threads because I remembered you, and all I can say is do what is easiest for the two of you. You have both been pushed around with this engagement, and doing what is best for your relationship is most important now. So if you want to elope, see what FI thinks and maybe it could happen!

*M*

 

[galeteia]

Is there a thread on why his family hates you?

 

[RoseAngel04]

Sorry you''ve had to plan and replan your wedding!

We are getting married on August 4, 2007 and it will be the 10 year anniversary of my late grandfathers death. When FI and I first choose this date I didn''t realize this but my Mom soon told me she thought that was the day my Dads father passed. I spoke with my Dad about it and he had no problem with it whatsoever and actually thought it would be a nice memory and that my grandfather would be proud and not have it any other way. I spoke with my grandma (my late grandfathers wife) and she understood and had no ill feelings about it. She encouraged me that he would be very proud of me and that him and FI would have gotten along great. But...it seems like your FI''s family isn''t so understanding about it all which is too bad since everything else is booked.

Are you willing to wait until 2008 to have a traditional wedding?!

Galatia: your post made me LOL..

 

[cellososweet]

they are racist and i''m not korean. i''m "black" (i''m half, the other half is white and polynesian). my black father is an engineer. not good enough for them i guess. neither is my degree, my caring nature, the fact that i''ve basically helped to repair all the emotional pain they caused their son. i feel like i''m back in the south all over again when i talk about them. it really hurts.

 

[E B]

If I were you, I''d elope. Have you explained to your mother the pain your future family-in-law is being and will continue to be? You can still have a white wedding, just on a beach!

 

[diamondfan]

I have toagree, though I have not read your other posts. If his family is so awful I would honestly just want to get married and then have a party later and invite the people who love you and wish you well...

 

[Dreamcatcher]

my two cents....

You should not worry about her death being that day. If it doesn''t bother the two of you then it doesn''t matter. His family can get over it! Do not for one second think that you need to worry about those people thinking you did it on purpose. You mention that they are racist and don''t approve of your marraige and you might not invite them, obviously they are not a nice group and you should not for a second think about trying to please them.

Most people do not remember the *date* that their grandparents died on i don''t think. Actually, I think it could sort of be a good way to honor her in a sense. Life and death go hand in hand weather people like it or not.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/29/2006 10:28:03 AM
Author: Dreamcatcher
my two cents....

You should not worry about her death being that day. If it doesn't bother the two of you then it doesn't matter. His family can get over it! Do not for one second think that you need to worry about those people thinking you did it on purpose. You mention that they are racist and don't approve of your marraige and you might not invite them, obviously they are not a nice group and you should not for a second think about trying to please them.

Most people do not remember the *date* that their grandparents died on i don't think. Actually, I think it could sort of be a good way to honor her in a sense. Life and death go hand in hand weather people like it or not.

Weelllll, there's a cultural problem here Dreamcatcher...they are Korean. Many Koreans do honor their parents on the day they passed way (mine still do). It can range from dinner together with all the surviving family members to a full shamanistic type ritual (although I don't know anyone who does that). I don't know the date that my grandparents died, but I do know every year my mom goes and hangs out with her brothers and sisters, and while I was growing up it even had a name in Korean (literally translated: the day mother died).

I've said it before cellosweet, but I'll say it again...you have my sympathies.

 

[AmberWaves]

Cello, I am so sorry you have to deal with crap family crap. I don''t know about a wedding on that date, but my fiance chose the anniversary of his dad''s suicide to propose to me, and his mom actually THANKED us, because she said it gives them something good to celebrate on that day now.

As for the in-laws, I think you should elope, if possible. Just have a small thing with your family and the members of his who like you. Why should you reward their appalling behavior by paying for a party for them to waste yours (and your parent''s) money? Your marriage is about you two, and if they don''t like it, don''t let them ruin it for you!!

Good luck!

 

[firebirdgold]

Drat, I forgot they were Korean!

Well they''re going to hate you anyway, so you might as well give them a good reason to!

I say go have a destination wedding with a big party afterwards. You can still wear white and have your father escort you even when you''re on the beach. In fact a lot of destination places have real chapels that look over the ocean. Your evil in-laws can think that you eloped, even though all you''ve done is move the wedding to farther away with less stress and worry. Oh and DON''T INVITE THEM! You shouldn''t have to invite people to your wedding who are just going to sit there and wish it wasn''t happening.

There''s a small chance that they might unbend when you have kids like so many dissaproving parents have done. (My mom had to run away from home to marry my dad and didn''t hear from her father until after my older sister was born. Just showed up one day with a stuffed bear! ) But there''s a greater chance that they''ll view your children as ''tainted'' or something. Or they''ll act like they accept their grandkids but make nasty comments about you, their mother. Who needs that? Call their bluff and cut them out of your lives. That way when they come groveling back for a chance to get to know their grandchildren, you can dictate the rules.


Essentially, your wedding should be a happy event you both look forward to. When my fi and I started to dread various wedding related aspects, we just chopped those bits out until we were left with a family only wedding on a Hawaiian beach. Now we''re happy instead of stressed!

 

[wifey2b]

cellososweet, if this is not a problem with your fiance, then I do not see why you cannot still go forward with things. My neighbor had her wedding date set, and it ended up being a year to the day her father died. Being an only girl in the family, she used it to honor her father at her reception. Her oldest brother- who is quite a few years older than her - stepped in and danced the father daughter dance to the song that her daddy always sang to her. It brought many tears, but was her way of knowing her daddy was there with her in spirit. If your fiance was close to his grandmother, then maybe this is his way to celebrate for her, I know I wouldn''t mind if it was on my Nanny''s death anniversary - we were so very close and I miss her so much, and her dream for me was to find a nice man and get married. I know she would have loved Strm and he her. So do not feel bad, sweetie, if this is ok with the two of you, then so be it :} HUGS now smile :}

 

[cellososweet]

Hi everyone We decided to still do it on that date and then say a little something during a toast to all the people who have passed and couldn''t be here. My grandmother was an integral part of my life and this would be a way for me to honor her as well.

Also, we talked about the guest list and he''s thinking that he wants to cut his family out. He told me he doesn''t want to, on his special day, look out into the crowd and realize half of the people there are only there a.) to save face in front of the rest of the family or b.) are there to try and look nice to us (but we all know they disagree). So, he''s thinking of just cutting them. This way he can invite more of his friends. His guest list was 90% his family (that disagrees) anyways. He was only having about 10% of his list be his friends that are happy about it. This way, he can surround himself with people who are going to be positive about it. He seems really upset i think mainly because he is so distant from his family that he didn''t even know what this date was. I think it was a real wake up call for him to how distant and strained his relationship with his family is. He''s already known this, but I think this made it concrete. Ya know? Poor FI. I told him that whatever he wants to do, i''ll be there to help out. I told him that he''s going to be expected to explain the lack of invites to his family. He told me that they don''t deserve an explanation and that if they are that dense to not get it, then that''s their own issue.

Their family has major issues internally anyways. His Mom''s family doesn''t like his Dad and his Dad''s family isn''t really involved with his immediate family (Because of a really stupid super-stereotypical fight that involved alcohol and golf and egos. . haha. .if you''re korean you''ll get a kick out of that. how stereotypical.) So, having them all in the same room even if they did agree with the marriage would be a riot anyhow. Everything happens for a reason. Everything Thanks girlies

 

[Julian]

My condolences!

I'm sorry to hear that there are so many parents in the world who live out their golden years alienating themselves. In the years they should be basking in the joy of their grown children, there are some who do nothing but heap stress and misery upon their progeny. It is very sad because it hurts those they claim to love... I have seen it time and time again in cultures that are very resistant to change.

I hope it doesn't ruin your special day.

 

[Jas12]

Wow, you guys are strong and must have amazing love to get through such terrible nonsense. I have not read all of your posts, but from what I can gather, you have dealt with stuff you woudn''t think would happen ''this day in age''

I have to dissagree with all the people who are saying ''elope''--not sure if that was one of your ideas at the start (if so, disregard my two cents)) But if not, i think by eloping you are bowing to their pressure and it might be interpreted as "oh look, they knew it was wrong so they had to run away and get married". Not that you would worry about their opinion, but it would be awful if you had to change all your plans on their behalf. If a wedding is what you alwyas hoped to have, I would hold your head up high, invite the positive, loving people in your life to attend, and never look back. Your fiance is brave and right to not want to include a family with such ignorance, and he need not explain why they are not invited.

Stick to your date, ignore the family and plan a great wedding!