Opposites Attract - complementary or recipe for long term disaster?

[rierie26]

Date: 2/16/2010 4:29:30 PM
Author: curlygirl

Date: 2/16/2010 4:18:45 PM

Author: TravelingGal

OK, let''s say the fundamental values are the same, but the PERSONALITY and outlook is very different. i.e., he''s positive, she''s negative. She''s passionate, he''s passive. She sweats the little things, he, only the big things.


Etc, etc, etc.

DH and I are kind of like this. He''s hypersensitive, I''m not. He''s quiet, I''m loud. I emote freely, he needs a little push to express himself. He''s always wrong, I''m always right!

It has pros and cons but overall, we balance each other out so I think there is harmony for the most part.


What''s your take on it, TGal?

Same here! It can lead to some miscommunication, especially since he''s pretty sensitive compared to myself. When we first met, you wouldn''t have thought we would get together, let alone last. I''m pretty liberal, outspoken and love the unusual/unexpected. I''m also pretty spontaneous and have no problem with doing something at the spur of the moment. My BF is pretty conservative, diplomatic and likes to toe the line. He plans everything to the last detail and likes to know the details of things before we go. But we''ve made it work so far and without any major difficulty, in fact it probably helps that we''re not so similar. I think what makes it work is that we''re pretty much identical when it comes to our fundamental beliefs.

 

[vespergirl]

My DH and I are opposite in many ways, but similar in what relationship experts would consider some of the important ones - we have similar life goals - both of us wanted two kids, he supported my decision to be a SAHM, similar social and educational backgrounds, spiritual viewpoints, etc. We actually sort of look alike, too, to the point that we have been mistaken for brother & sister.

However, we are different in other ways - I''m a New Yorker, he''s a Southerner. I''m outgoing, he''s reserved. I''m passionate, he''s logical. I''ve actually heard from a lot of my friends & family that they think that he''s really good for me because he has a "calming" effect on me (I guess I was a real tempest before we met)

So, even though we seem like real opposites on the surface, I think that our matching goals make us a strong couple. We hardly ever argue, and when we do disagree, we listen to each other & resolve our issues like adults.

Adversely, my ex-husband & I had everything in common, but our differing ideas about married life & life goals made us fight all the time. The marriage only lasted two years.

 

[joflier]

Date: 2/16/2010 5:49:30 PM
Author: whitby_2773
this is a toughie.

after that, i think success of any relationship depends primarily on liking what you see in each other. if you like someone who is quiet, a deep thinker, and an outdoors kind of person - whether you are, or even if you''re not - you''re going to enjoy being married to that person more - simply because you like them. and if they like what they see in you - they''re going to enjoy being married to you too - and voila! add agreement on sex, money and core values...and you''ve got a marriage most of the way to working. (it doesn''t hurt, of course, that we tend to like in others what we agree with as being good, or what we''ve adopted as an acceptable way of life also.)

I think Whitby put it best. Some people truely enjoy being with someone who is opposite of them in personality. And I think that''s what it comes down to.
Example - I enjoy being quiet, and listening. So I could not handle a long term partner who was too similar to me. We''d never have anything to say.

I enjoy having someone that''s much more talkative.
But, if we had strong differences when it came to things like money, family, kids, morals, etc. I don''t see it being a very happy or fulfilling relationship.

I think you need to have some strong similarities to have a good foundation. But also have a good balance of differences just to keep you balanced. That''s how someone can really be your ''better'' half. If your high-strung, they might help bring out a calmer nature in you. If their pessimistic, you might help make them a little more ''sunny-side up'' sometimes.

 

[Arkteia]

Some personalities make great dating couples but build horrible long-term relationships.
Example: two very passionate, emotional people. Sex is great, relationships are great, they enjoy sharing, are active, they shop together. They are somewhat extreme, risk-taking, very social, have many friends. They have fun. Then they get married. With time, their "emotions" start clashing, their responses are extreme, no one wants to give in, they butt heads. Kids watch it and grow up messed up. Good if things do not end up in domestic violence or there is no alcohol or drugs involved. Usually there is a messy divorce.

Imagine a woman from the same couple (emotional, social, risk-taker) meeting a guy who is totally opposite - shy, introverted, not having many friends but very stable, dependable, coming home at 6 pm every day. Granted, life may not be so intense as with the first partner but this guy brings in stability - and the woman brings in friends, social life and fun. Possibly, a stable marriage.

Two higly neurotic, anxious, overcontrolling people increase each other''s anxiety. Usually not a good combination.

 

[Cehrabehra]

kinda depends on the person and the qualities that are opposite. One person believing in an open marriage and one being fiercely jealous - those might not be a good mix. My husband and I are total opposites in most ways and we find them complimentary - usually. I can be annoying to him with how much I talk with people (not him) and he can be a bit stiff and inflexible regarding how he views the world. We definitely view the world differently. But I keep him entertained and he keeps me grounded. Overall it really works.

 

[HollyS]

The whole ''opposites attract'' thing seems to still be working for James Carville and Mary Matalin. Heaven only knows how.

 

[Arkteia]

Date: 2/16/2010 7:55:55 PM
Author: HollyS
The whole ''opposites attract'' thing seems to still be working for James Carville and Mary Matalin. Heaven only knows how.

Are they still together???!!! Well, politics makes REALLY strange bedfellows!

 

[yssie]

Date: 2/16/2010 12:49:13 PM
Author: janinegirly
I think in general opposites make great short term partners (ie alot of sparks, attraction, excitement) but those of similar traits make better long term partners (more stablity, similiar approaches/outlook on life and long term goals).

Every word.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 2/16/2010 8:19:28 PM
Author: yssie

Date: 2/16/2010 12:49:13 PM

Author: janinegirly

I think in general opposites make great short term partners (ie alot of sparks, attraction, excitement) but those of similar traits make better long term partners (more stablity, similiar approaches/outlook on life and long term goals).

Every word.

I think the same things stated above that make for good short term partners help in long term relationships as well - having spark, attraction, and excitement after 19 years of marriage keeps things exciting! I can''t imagine how bored I might be without it.

I think it''s all about balance and WHAT you are different on and what you are the same about.

 

[Laila619]

Date: 2/16/2010 4:18:45 PM
Author: TravelingGal
OK, let''s say the fundamental values are the same, but the PERSONALITY and outlook is very different. i.e., he''s positive, she''s negative. She''s passionate, he''s passive. She sweats the little things, he, only the big things.

Etc, etc, etc.

Very difficult in my opinion.

 

[Sha]

DH and I are opposite in some ways - Socially, I'm very diplomatic, he's very politically incorrect and outspoken. I'm very compassionate and he can be a bit cold and pragmatic at times. I'm patient, he's not. I'm more conservative and he's more liberal (in some ways). We also differ when it comes to religiious commitment. Our opposites cause friction at some times but at other times they're complementary. For instance, I tend to be a bit of a pushover sometimes - where as he's more assertive, and makes me be that way when I need to be. Conversely, sometimes I have to get him to be a bit more sensitive to other people and their needs. In terms of similarities - we're both kind of introverts who like our alone time. We also share many of the same interests - reading, music, writing, and singing, and pretty much the same sense of humour. I think that's key - we make each other laugh. We also share pretty much the same values.

I think it's good to have a mix of opposite/similar traits. I'm attracted to others who are similar to me - but at the same time, I don't think I would want somebody who was exactly the same...you know?

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 2/16/2010 7:24:24 PM
Author: crasru
Some personalities make great dating couples but build horrible long-term relationships.
Example: two very passionate, emotional people. Sex is great, relationships are great, they enjoy sharing, are active, they shop together. They are somewhat extreme, risk-taking, very social, have many friends. They have fun. Then they get married. With time, their ''emotions'' start clashing, their responses are extreme, no one wants to give in, they butt heads. Kids watch it and grow up messed up. Good if things do not end up in domestic violence or there is no alcohol or drugs involved. Usually there is a messy divorce.

Imagine a woman from the same couple (emotional, social, risk-taker) meeting a guy who is totally opposite - shy, introverted, not having many friends but very stable, dependable, coming home at 6 pm every day. Granted, life may not be so intense as with the first partner but this guy brings in stability - and the woman brings in friends, social life and fun. Possibly, a stable marriage.

Two higly neurotic, anxious, overcontrolling people increase each other''s anxiety. Usually not a good combination.

This sounds like me & DH

 

[nytemist]

I thnk it depends on the people. When I was younger I thought why be with someone who is just like you? Wouldn''t you get bored after a while? I started dating DH and he was completely different from me, shy, not very social, quiet kid growing up and very concerned about what others thought about him. Me? I was a partying, hanging out kid growing up (but still a good student), outgoing, assertive, free-spirited, fun person who likes to plan ahead goals in life. He would rather let life happen to him. I am still the person who wants to go out and have fun. Unfortunately for the past year or more our personality differences have been working against us. We talked about moving and wanting to do more travel while dating and he was on board with the idea of planning ahead, but after marriage reverted back to being too afraid of change. That belief that we wanted the same things at the core now really in doubt.

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 2/16/2010 4:51:43 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 2/16/2010 4:29:30 PM
Author: curlygirl

Date: 2/16/2010 4:18:45 PM
Author: TravelingGal
OK, let''s say the fundamental values are the same, but the PERSONALITY and outlook is very different. i.e., he''s positive, she''s negative. She''s passionate, he''s passive. She sweats the little things, he, only the big things.

Etc, etc, etc.

DH and I are kind of like this. He''s hypersensitive, I''m not. He''s quiet, I''m loud. I emote freely, he needs a little push to express himself. He''s always wrong, I''m always right!

It has pros and cons but overall, we balance each other out so I think there is harmony for the most part.

What''s your take on it, TGal?

Well, I''m only 3 years into my own marriage, so it''s hard to say...

TGuy and I were talking about this last night. We see a lot of opposite attract couples, and we also, are very opposite. TGuy has apologized (jokingly) for the bait and switch. The guy I fell in love with was the one I met in Europe, and the one I''m married to is very, very different. The one I met was laid back, did not sweat the small things, positive and optimistic. He''s actually quite the opposite, and I knew that when I married him, so I obviously can''t cry foul, hehehe.

Our morals and values are the same. We communicate fairly well. If I were to look at this question I posed objectively, I would say usually opposites are a recipe for disaster. There is no doubt that it takes more work and effort in understanding each other in our marriage. We really don''t understand WHY each others minds work the way they do, but we know HOW it works and can find workable solutions in our marriage. That, however, does make for a lot eye rolling and hand throwing!

Anyway, we were discussing this and laughing that we are polar opposites. We think there is balance and complement, but there are definitely more humps than two people who ride the same wavelength.

I think these points show that it works for you though! You two talk about it, work through it and best of all laugh about it. Where it would get worrying is if these differences became like boulders in your marriage with one (most likely the passive one) moping on the couch in silence and the other talking to her friends about it another room,etc.

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 2/16/2010 7:24:24 PM
Author: crasru
Some personalities make great dating couples but build horrible long-term relationships.
Example: two very passionate, emotional people. Sex is great, relationships are great, they enjoy sharing, are active, they shop together. They are somewhat extreme, risk-taking, very social, have many friends. They have fun. Then they get married. With time, their 'emotions' start clashing, their responses are extreme, no one wants to give in, they butt heads. Kids watch it and grow up messed up. Good if things do not end up in domestic violence or there is no alcohol or drugs involved. Usually there is a messy divorce.

Imagine a woman from the same couple (emotional, social, risk-taker) meeting a guy who is totally opposite - shy, introverted, not having many friends but very stable, dependable, coming home at 6 pm every day. Granted, life may not be so intense as with the first partner but this guy brings in stability - and the woman brings in friends, social life and fun. Possibly, a stable marriage.

Two higly neurotic, anxious, overcontrolling people increase each other's anxiety. Usually not a good combination.

This is interesting. It's true that 2 risk takers who do not think long term is not a great combo. I actually know a couple like this--it was all fun and games when they were dating (constant trips they couldn't afford, living beyond their means) but marriage is a bit more real life (they currently don't have the savings to move out of a studio apt, she got laid off,etc), so it'll be interesting to see what happens long term.

In terms of DH and I -- we overall have similar traits. But there are subtle differences too. Overall we both are more reserved, conservative, independent, planner types (we are not as boring as it sounds, I swear!). However he is more passive and I am more likely to confront issues head on or express myself (when I'm comfortable, i.e. able to step away from my reserved tendancies). He'd rather avoid any conflict. So that piece can be problematic, but on the other hand at least we aren't 2 explosive people. Now when I was dating I tended to be drawn to the Type A persona, but ended up marrying someone a lot more similar to me. Still we've only been married 2 years (together 6), so we'll see! One thing that I notice is that it's true that over time a couple often becomes more alike, so sometimes the differences become less apparent.

 

[princesss]

Interesting topic.

BF and I are very similar and very opposite at the same time. For instance: we''re both outgoing and social, but I''m happy to go out with people I don''t know very well, while he prefers to have a core group of friends and go out with them rather than with people he doesn''t know. So when we go to parties together, it''s usually with his friends, because he''s comfortable and can relax and have fun, and I can always find somebody new to chat with.

I think we all really need a mix - we need somebody similar enough to understand, but opposite enough to keep things interesting.

My friends will tell you BF is good for me because he slows me down, makes me think about things, but still keeps me interested and entertained - boredom is not something we''ve had to worry about, and I get bored with things very easily! We''re from different backgrounds (not just socio-economically, but in general - I moved around, he stayed put; my mom was a SAHM for half of my life, BF''s mom works; I don''t know my extended family that well, his gets together whenever possible...the list goes on), but our values are very similar - family-wise, money-wise, lifestyle-wise, etc.

We do clash sometimes, but we''ve learned how to step back and understand each other. I think if he was really similar to me, I''d either get bored or kill him. (Doesn''t say much for me, does it? LOL) But then, I know couples that are so alike it''s scary, and they''re doing just as well as we are. So who knows? The only real way to know is hindsight, and until I''m in a position to look back on my choices all I can do is make them and live with the results.

 

[TravelingGal]

Great posts y''all. Whitby, I especially liked yours.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

DH and I are opposites in pretty much every way I can think of. We''re fine, no plans to divorce (that I am aware of

)

 

[monarch64]

My parents are complete opposites and they hate each other. I was married to my opposite and we ended up hating each other, too, and divorcing. My parents think they''re too old to divorce now, and they probably are. So they carry on in that sort of quiet desperation that comes after sticking it out for 4 decades. I''m not saying people should essentially be the same on all levels, but I think resentments grow over time when the initial excitement has worn off and you''re left with the reality of constantly making adjustments and compromising. Who wants to compromise more than some of the time? I don''t. I don''t need to be challenged constantly by my partner. I need to come home and feel comforted and know that we have a like-minded approach to our life together, not that we have to continually work on our relationship. Just my own opinion based on my experiences, though, not how I feel about others. My theory is opposites can attract and stick together as long as there is one common denominator: that you both LIKE and accept being opposites.

 

[Maisie]

Date: 2/16/2010 12:51:35 PM
Author: kenny
Great question TG.

I have a theory.
Inbreeding results inferior offspring, so opposites attract because genetic diversity is healthier for the species.

Also, when one is a slob and the other is a neat freak they get to work on their extremeness.
What could be seen as conflict can also be seen as opportunity for growth.

Excellent point!

 

[whitby_2773]

Date: 2/17/2010 11:56:21 AM
Author: TravelingGal
Great posts y'all. Whitby, I especially liked yours.

lol - thanks t-gal but the more i thought about all the opposites and similarities and how they interplay, the more it spun my head!

in the end i decided mr whitby and i get along simply because we want to.

coulda saved us all a loooootta words on that one....

ETA ok, i need to stand by my original answer more than that - and i do! it's just that there's sooooooo many variables.....!!

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 2/17/2010 2:16:50 PM
Author: monarch64
My parents are complete opposites and they hate each other. I was married to my opposite and we ended up hating each other, too, and divorcing. My parents think they're too old to divorce now, and they probably are. So they carry on in that sort of quiet desperation that comes after sticking it out for 4 decades. I'm not saying people should essentially be the same on all levels, but I think resentments grow over time when the initial excitement has worn off and you're left with the reality of constantly making adjustments and compromising. Who wants to compromise more than some of the time? I don't. I don't need to be challenged constantly by my partner. I need to come home and feel comforted and know that we have a like-minded approach to our life together, not that we have to continually work on our relationship. Just my own opinion based on my experiences, though, not how I feel about others. My theory is opposites can attract and stick together as long as there is one common denominator: that you both LIKE and accept being opposites.

I agree with all of this. Of course, couples who have a lot of opposite traits can have long and happy marriages, but, in general, I think being with someone similar is easier. It takes good communicators to stay married with lots of differences, and many people I know in real life just aren't good enough at communicating to make it work.

 

[swimmer]

Date: 2/16/2010 7:55:55 PM
Author: HollyS
The whole ''opposites attract'' thing seems to still be working for James Carville and Mary Matalin. Heaven only knows how.

Lots of highly paid staff. Hey, that would help any marriage right?

Great post Whitby! thanks for sharing it.

 

[zoebartlett]

I think opposites attract. Obviously some similarities are good too. My husband and I are alike in some ways, and very different in other ways. I said in a thread I began earlier (about this, actually), that it''s a wonder we''re still together because we handle and see things so differently.

 

[perry]

The conclusive evidence is that opposites not only attract - but build the strongest and longest lasting relationships.

But, you have to know what is being counted as "opposite." It is your personality profile. There is just tons and tons of research on this - from many cultures.

This is where the statement comes from that "Opposites attract."

The key is that personality opposites are both exciting to each other - and complement each other in innate personality skills. Two matched personality opposites who work together cannot be matched for effectiveness in getting something done.

Of course, that is not all there is to a relationship - and for personality opposites to work out they also have to share common basic moral values, long term goals, and be able to support their partner.

So you need a combination of opposite personality profiles - and common other life goals and beliefs.

I suggest you do some reading on personality profiles - and even take a personality profile test (there are some good ones on the web).


Perry

 

[Haven]

Date: 2/16/2010 4:18:45 PM
Author: TravelingGal
OK, let's say the fundamental values are the same, but the PERSONALITY and outlook is very different. i.e., he's positive, she's negative. She's passionate, he's passive. She sweats the little things, he, only the big things.

Etc, etc, etc.

DH and I are opposites in many facets of personality--I'm loud and gregarious, he's calm and more of an observer. I'm passionate, he's passive. I'm emotional, he's rational. I'm a dreamer, he's a realist.

We're similar in some ways, too--we're both positive, active people, for example.

It works for us. I bring him out of his shell, he brings me back to Earth.