Opposites Attract - complementary or recipe for long term disaster?

[TravelingGal]

Whaddaya think?

 

[jewelz617]

Depends.

Bad opposites: One person is active and loves to exercise, the other doesn''t want to get off the couch. One loves kids, the other doesn''t. One is a neat freak, the other leaves dishes in the sink for days.

Good opposites seem to be the people who can encourage their significant other to explore new interests, try new things. This enriches the relationship rather than tearing it apart. For instance, one person loves to cook, the other can''t make a scrambled egg. One person loves to dance the other is a klutz. These are things which can be potential bonding experiences.

 

[janinegirly]

I think in general opposites make great short term partners (ie alot of sparks, attraction, excitement) but those of similar traits make better long term partners (more stablity, similiar approaches/outlook on life and long term goals).

 

[kenny]

Great question TG.

I have a theory.
Inbreeding results inferior offspring, so opposites attract because genetic diversity is healthier for the species.

Also, when one is a slob and the other is a neat freak they get to work on their extremeness.
What could be seen as conflict can also be seen as opportunity for growth.

 

[elrohwen]

I think there are ways a good couple may complement each other, but for the most part I think two people need to be more similar than not to have a good long term relationship. Relationships between opposites tend to be very volatile.

Of course, it depends what you are opposites in - if it's superficial things, I don't see a problem. If it's long term goals, outlook on life, etc then I don't think it makes for a stable longer term relationship.

 

[JSM]

Depends on where the opposites are!

My DH and I are total opposites in some areas - I am a loner, he is outgoing and very social. I am conservative and a planner, he is spontaneous and easy going. I was a goody goody, he was not! We enjoy different things (we have lives outside each other). But he has helped me to enjoy life as it comes, while I have helped him focus on the future as well as the moment. We think we are better, happier people having met each other.

However, we have very similar goals long term (family, home, jobs, etc), can enjoy events together, and have similar values (moral and family). I think this is what keeps us grounded and on the same path. If you don't have similar life goals, then I think long term the relationship will have problems.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 2/16/2010 12:51:35 PM
Author: kenny
Great question TG.


I have a theory.

Inbreeding results inferior offspring, so opposites attract because genetic diversity is healthier for the species.


Also, when one is a slob and the other is a neat freak they get to work on their extremeness.

What could be seen as conflict can also be seen as opportunity for growth.

Yes, because people so often change their habits. It''s an opportunity for growth! Must be why divorce rates are so low

I''m kidding, but I''m also being realistic. It''s important to be with someone who is on the same page as you are with issues you might find intolerable.If my boyfriend has been living in his mom''s basement his whole life and does drugs and I''m a successful business person with my own house and a clean record, is that relationship going to work out? Probably not, even with all the opportunities to grow in the world. It''s a nice idea but often the root of failed romance.

 

[KimberlyH]

My husband and I are both very different and very much the same. Our differences can pose issues for us from time to time, but we also get better and better at compromise and ensuring that each of our needs are met without impinging on each other. We tend to get upset about different things, which is a good thing because when I''m overreacting he can talk me and down and vice versa. Most of our interests are shared, but there are some things he enjoys that I don''t and vice versa, but we pursue those interests individually.

I would say being partnered with my polar opposite wouldn''t work for me long-term, there are some values that I would have to share with a person to respect them and there''s no way I could live with someone who didn''t share at least most of my fundamental values.

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 2/16/2010 1:14:07 PM
Author: PinkAsscher678

Date: 2/16/2010 12:51:35 PM
Author: kenny
Great question TG.


I have a theory.

Inbreeding results inferior offspring, so opposites attract because genetic diversity is healthier for the species.


Also, when one is a slob and the other is a neat freak they get to work on their extremeness.

What could be seen as conflict can also be seen as opportunity for growth.

Yes, because people so often change their habits. It's an opportunity for growth! Must be why divorce rates are so low

I'm kidding, but I'm also being realistic. It's important to be with someone who is on the same page as you are with issues you might find intolerable.If my boyfriend has been living in his mom's basement his whole life and does drugs and I'm a successful business person with my own house and a clean record, is that relationship going to work out? Probably not, even with all the opportunities to grow in the world. It's a nice idea but often the root of failed romance.

Well said. There have been various studies on this. Kenny's theory is a bit silly to me (sorry). Having simliar personality traits is not in anyway similar to in breeding!

 

[jewelz617]

Yeah, not sure what the whole "inbreeding" thing was about, as inbreeding generally means resulting in the offspring of two people who share the same DNA, not the same personality traits...

 

[sunnyd]

I was with someone in high school who was a good superficial match, but a terrible deep connection match. He brought me down and I went though a horrible 2 years of life.

With DH, we share the same morals and goals but have very different likes/dislikes. Like Pink said, that creates opportunites for bonding because we can step outside our comfort zones without being lost.

 

[trillionaire]

I agree with others that it depends on HOW you are opposite. It''s great to have someone who will expand your horizons and increase your exposure to opportunities and the world around you, but it''s less ideal to have someone who is going to make you feel bad because they are more social, out-going, or personable than you.

FI is an engineer, and I am a social sciency type... we have very different interests, and perspectives, even our worldviews differ pretty dramatically, but our ethics and morals are very much the same.

 

[Laila619]

In most cases, I say: recipe for long term disaster.

 

[FrekeChild]

I would say it depends on the individuals and their specific traits that they are opposite and similar on.

Generally, if two people are too similar they get bored with each other. And if two people are too different, it creates a lot of conflict. So the best recipe would be for a couple to have a combination of similarities and differences.

 

[Dancing Fire]

wife and i are complete opposites.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 2/16/2010 2:13:29 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I would say it depends on the individuals and their specific traits that they are opposite and similar on.

Generally, if two people are too similar they get bored with each other. And if two people are too different, it creates a lot of conflict. So the best recipe would be for a couple to have a combination of similarities and differences.

Agreed.

FI and I are the same in our moral beliefs and our values (which is awesome, IMO!!) but our personalities are different enough to keep things interesting

 

[wannaBMrsH]

I agree that people have to have the same moral values and goals in order to stay together in the long term, but I don''t agree that neatness or social skills are part of the morality issue.

For example, DH and I both value family, education and commitment. Our goals are to continue to be financially independent, send our kids to college debt free, and own our home outright in the next 10 years.

That said, I am pretty messy (not dirty, just piles everywhere) and he is not. He is an excellent cook, I can''t boil water. He is an engineer and I am also a social sciences kind of gal...he is very quiet, I can talk to the walls...and on and on...

Fundamentally, I believe that our common values and goals are much greater than who put the last load of dishes in the dishwasher (it was him) or who made dinner reservations (it was me). I trust him and he trusts me and there is no way that we are breaking up over dirty dishes!

 

[TravelingGal]

OK, let''s say the fundamental values are the same, but the PERSONALITY and outlook is very different. i.e., he''s positive, she''s negative. She''s passionate, he''s passive. She sweats the little things, he, only the big things.

Etc, etc, etc.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 2/16/2010 4:18:45 PM
Author: TravelingGal
OK, let's say the fundamental values are the same, but the PERSONALITY and outlook is very different. i.e., he's positive, she's negative. She's passionate, he's passive. She sweats the little things, he, only the big things.

Etc, etc, etc.

Personally, I would find it difficult to be in a long term relationship with someone like this. I tend to get along best with people who have personalities similar to mine. DH and I certainly aren't identical, but I find the longer we're together the more similar our tastes and personalities become. I can't say I find it boring - I find it easier to be myself.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 2/16/2010 4:11:51 PM
Author: wannaBMrsH
I agree that people have to have the same moral values and goals in order to stay together in the long term, but I don''t agree that neatness or social skills are part of the morality issue.


For example, DH and I both value family, education and commitment. Our goals are to continue to be financially independent, send our kids to college debt free, and own our home outright in the next 10 years.


That said, I am pretty messy (not dirty, just piles everywhere) and he is not. He is an excellent cook, I can''t boil water. He is an engineer and I am also a social sciences kind of gal...he is very quiet, I can talk to the walls...and on and on...


Fundamentally, I believe that our common values and goals are much greater than who put the last load of dishes in the dishwasher (it was him) or who made dinner reservations (it was me). I trust him and he trusts me and there is no way that we are breaking up over dirty dishes!

I used that as an example because my husband''s ex stepmother dumped his father for being "a lazy slob." After 18 years of cleaning his moldy dishes (left under his bed) and watching him sit on the couches she had just steam cleaned and spilling his food, she gave him the boot. Things like that can wear on a marriage. If you were a dental hygienist would you want to be married to someone who never brushed his teeth? Even if they were the most understanding, intellectual, thoughtful, trustworthy and sweet person in the world? I wouldn''t.

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 2/16/2010 4:18:45 PM
Author: TravelingGal
OK, let''s say the fundamental values are the same, but the PERSONALITY and outlook is very different. i.e., he''s positive, she''s negative. She''s passionate, he''s passive. She sweats the little things, he, only the big things.

Etc, etc, etc.

My view stands the same. The study I read (from a few years ago I believe) relates to personality traits not just fundamental values (religion, morals etc.).

I think a passionate person will make a passive person feel initially excited and attracted so to speak but over time he will be worn down and perhaps resentful and vice versa. I am talking extremes, not shades of gray..ie not that one person is slightly more passionate etc. In other words, I am talking about complete opposites.

 

[curlygirl]

Date: 2/16/2010 4:18:45 PM
Author: TravelingGal
OK, let's say the fundamental values are the same, but the PERSONALITY and outlook is very different. i.e., he's positive, she's negative. She's passionate, he's passive. She sweats the little things, he, only the big things.

Etc, etc, etc.

DH and I are kind of like this. He's hypersensitive, I'm not. He's quiet, I'm loud. I emote freely, he needs a little push to express himself. He's always wrong, I'm always right!

It has pros and cons but overall, we balance each other out so I think there is harmony for the most part.

What's your take on it, TGal?

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 2/16/2010 4:29:30 PM
Author: curlygirl

Date: 2/16/2010 4:18:45 PM
Author: TravelingGal
OK, let''s say the fundamental values are the same, but the PERSONALITY and outlook is very different. i.e., he''s positive, she''s negative. She''s passionate, he''s passive. She sweats the little things, he, only the big things.

Etc, etc, etc.

DH and I are kind of like this. He''s hypersensitive, I''m not. He''s quiet, I''m loud. I emote freely, he needs a little push to express himself. He''s always wrong, I''m always right!

It has pros and cons but overall, we balance each other out so I think there is harmony for the most part.

What''s your take on it, TGal?

Ditto! This is how DH and I are different as well, and we balance one another out.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 2/16/2010 4:18:45 PM
Author: TravelingGal
OK, let''s say the fundamental values are the same, but the PERSONALITY and outlook is very different. i.e., he''s positive, she''s negative. She''s passionate, he''s passive. She sweats the little things, he, only the big things.

Etc, etc, etc.

This is how my SO and I are. We have been together over 4 years now and recognizing why we''re seeing something different really helps. We do argue every now and then because of our differences but we''ve learned to compromise.

For example, we commute together and SO is a scheduler and I hate being on an exact schedule. SO would love to say that we are leaving exactly at 7 am whereas I''d prefer to leave "whenever we''re ready to go" that morning. So we compromise and say we''re leaving when we''re ready, which will be some time between 7-7:15. It seems silly writing it out but when you''re really busy, it can be these little things that drive you insane.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 2/16/2010 4:29:30 PM
Author: curlygirl

Date: 2/16/2010 4:18:45 PM
Author: TravelingGal
OK, let''s say the fundamental values are the same, but the PERSONALITY and outlook is very different. i.e., he''s positive, she''s negative. She''s passionate, he''s passive. She sweats the little things, he, only the big things.

Etc, etc, etc.

DH and I are kind of like this. He''s hypersensitive, I''m not. He''s quiet, I''m loud. I emote freely, he needs a little push to express himself. He''s always wrong, I''m always right!

It has pros and cons but overall, we balance each other out so I think there is harmony for the most part.

What''s your take on it, TGal?

Well, I''m only 3 years into my own marriage, so it''s hard to say...

TGuy and I were talking about this last night. We see a lot of opposite attract couples, and we also, are very opposite. TGuy has apologized (jokingly) for the bait and switch. The guy I fell in love with was the one I met in Europe, and the one I''m married to is very, very different. The one I met was laid back, did not sweat the small things, positive and optimistic. He''s actually quite the opposite, and I knew that when I married him, so I obviously can''t cry foul, hehehe.

Our morals and values are the same. We communicate fairly well. If I were to look at this question I posed objectively, I would say usually opposites are a recipe for disaster. There is no doubt that it takes more work and effort in understanding each other in our marriage. We really don''t understand WHY each others minds work the way they do, but we know HOW it works and can find workable solutions in our marriage. That, however, does make for a lot eye rolling and hand throwing!

Anyway, we were discussing this and laughing that we are polar opposites. We think there is balance and complement, but there are definitely more humps than two people who ride the same wavelength.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

I'll be married 25 years in Sept and often wonder who this person is in my (our

) kitchen. We are rather opposite--and he tells me daily that he is so lucky to be married to me since he never had any fun until we met. Many times over the years that "unfun" person gave me pause, but I stuck it out b/c fundamentally he is a good/honorable/loyal man. And I think good men are more difficult to come by than "just" the fun ones. Anyway, we make our fun and keep the passion going b/c we practice practice practice.

cheers--Sharon

 

[curlygirl]

TGal, I can very much relate, especially to the eye rolling and hand throwing!!

You''re right, it definitely takes more effort to make things work in my marriage as well (and I''ve only been married for 4 years). Sometimes I feel like it''s not worth the trouble but then I look at my kids. I guess I''ve just learned to pick my battles and fortunately, neither one of us holds a grudge so we can get over the humps pretty quickly. I hope we all make it for the long haul!

 

[dragonfly411]

Date: 2/16/2010 12:36:41 PM
Author:TravelingGal
Whaddaya think?

I think that because of you I''ve had a Paula Abdul song stuck in my head all day!

LOL In all seriousness. I think it really depends on the person. Sometimes they end up complimenting each other, and countering things to make each other balance out. In other cases it could just lead to head butting.

 

[katamari]

Date: 2/16/2010 4:18:45 PM
Author: TravelingGal
OK, let''s say the fundamental values are the same, but the PERSONALITY and outlook is very different. i.e., he''s positive, she''s negative. She''s passionate, he''s passive. She sweats the little things, he, only the big things.


Etc, etc, etc.

I don''t think it is necessarily a recipe for disaster. The key factor IMO would be compromise. Two people with nearly similar behaviors/opinions can still have a tumultuous relationship if either or both is unwilling to compromise. And, two people who fundamentally clash can healthfully find satisfaction in compromise. Personality is a harder thing to compromise on, because it is so routine it seems natural, but it can be managed.

DH and I fit all your examples here (I''m the negative, sweats all things one), and it causes some tensions. For instance, he feels burdened by always having to be happy-go-lucky and carefree and I sometimes feel he inadequately invested in things because he can always remain positive and calm. But, these differences are not an overall detriment to our relationship because we are very good at identifying these and other differences and then figuring out if and how we need to address them for the overall good of the relationship.

 

[whitby_2773]

this is a toughie.

firstly, men and women are opposites in so many ways, so if opposites don''t attract on some level, we''re all sunk before we start! in fact, probably the biggest issues of annoyance my husband and i have are simply differences of gender. given that i *know* this, it encourages me to stick with the man i married, since the things that annoy me in him will most likely annoy me in any man.

the two biggest divorcing issues are money and sex. so if you want marriage to work, be as opposite as you like in personality, but you''d better have these two things in common. you''d better want similar levels of the same sort of sex as your partner, and you''d better agree on who that sex is going to be with! as for money, if you agree that the bills need to be paid for you to be comfortable, then agreeing on how to do that is key. i can''t think of ANYTHING that puts a couple under greater ongoing stress than disagreements on levels of budgeting. "it''ll all turn out alright" vs "we can always just ask mom and dad" vs "i save 20% of my pay check RELIGIOUSLY" vs "i didn''t save anything this week because i saw this great handbag..." vs "i was on my way to the bank when i passed this casino and have now gambled away the rent money" vs "I Will Not Have A Credit Card. EVER." vs etcetcetc any two of those put together are going to have a rough ride if tied with the bonds of matrimony!

so i''d say agree on money and sex and you''ve already given your marriage a much better chance of success.

when i was studying dispute resolution, we had many, many mediators, retired judges, arbitrators etc come and speak to us, and they all agreed on one thing; you cant mediate values. if somebody sees themselves as moral, funny, altruistic and kind, you''ll never mediate them into seeing themselves differently - or acting in ways which they see as inconsistent with their core beliefs. so i''d say knowing each other''s core beliefs and agreeing on the ones that affect ability to live with a partner is essential.

similarity in socio-economic background also increases the likelihood of a couple avoiding divorce. i''ve often wondered why, and i think it''s because it leads to a similar life experience that leads to a similar world view (back to the core beliefs thing again). but apparently, people who are judged as being at similar levels of attractiveness tend to gravitate together also - which probably harks back to breedability and an unwillingness in most animals to cross social boundaries. the unconscious parts of attraction generally need to be similar to give a couple a better chance of success.

after that, i think success of any relationship depends primarily on liking what you see in each other. if you like someone who is quiet, a deep thinker, and an outdoors kind of person - whether you are, or even if you''re not - you''re going to enjoy being married to that person more - simply because you like them. and if they like what they see in you - they''re going to enjoy being married to you too - and voila! add agreement on sex, money and core values...and you''ve got a marriage most of the way to working. (it doesn''t hurt, of course, that we tend to like in others what we agree with as being good, or what we''ve adopted as an acceptable way of life also.)

but t-gal, i think a couple also need to both have a degree of compassion, kindness, commitment, and a willingness to be pleased with each other - as well as a willingness to accept each other''s differences or failures. and throw in a huge amount of patience, plus a willingness to keep one''s mouth shut a great deal of the time. these things need to exist on both sides, and i''d list these as personality traits.

not everybody has these personality traits. which is why, in my opinion, many people who marry....shouldn''t.

but what if we''re not all these fully self actualized, fully mature people? what if we''re not all humble altruistic and inherently caring? then in that case, we need to be willing to be flexible. flexible on what we''re willing to define as ''happy''. or ''livable''. or even just ''ok''.

so personally, i think flexibility is the #1 key necessity for a workable marriage. preferably both are flexible - in equal amounts. which, of course, never happens. so hopefully each is just flexible *enough* - whether that means both being hugely flexible or one being flexible enough for the both. marriage is an exercise in bending - and not always in a good way!

so in my opinion it''s a question of degrees ie how different? how opposite? how happy? how patient? how flexible? the variables are endless and each couple brings a different combination to the table which makes every marriage unique.

which is why i''ve decided not to comment.