Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Opinions ... Wait or Not Wait

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.

Ashley21

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 11, 2008
Messages
59
ok ... first to give some background. BF and I have been together for 4 years and are current college students. We have known for a long time we want to get married but don''t have enough money and want to wait until we graduate which will be May 2011. I will graduate with my MBA and boyfriend with his BBA. We talked about getting married the summer of 2011 shortly after graduation. Well, recently I decided I wanted to continue my eduation and get my PHD, however, no programs are offered in the city we live, closest is 300 miles away and most programs I am interested in are very far away. I have discussed this with BF already and he said he will support me in anything and only wants me to be happy and will move with me and find a job wherever we need to go. I feel though that his family might be upset with me moving him away and would probably prefer for us to wait. Also, BF doesn''t necessarily want to move away from our families and where we grew up but insists on doing anything and everything to make me happy. I know it might be easy for some people to say wait, but you LIW can hopefully understand how ready I am to be married now and how hard it is to wait even 2 more years. If we marry in 2011, we will have been together 6 years, if we wait until after my PHD, it will be 10-11 years. I don''t know if I could move that far away from my sweety. Do you think we should bite the bullet and get married when we want to? How should I handle this situation?
 

adak

Rough_Rock
Joined
Feb 23, 2009
Messages
56
I''m sure the ladies here will have some wonderful advice for you, but, my opinion is, do what feels "right". If you wait for this or wait for that, you may always be waiting. I am in school too, so I can definitely sympathize. Everything will work itself out in due time.
 

wishinpink

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 5, 2008
Messages
587
Date: 3/13/2009 1:55:36 AM
Author:Ashley21
ok ... first to give some background. BF and I have been together for 4 years and are current college students. We have known for a long time we want to get married but don''t have enough money and want to wait until we graduate which will be May 2011. I will graduate with my MBA and boyfriend with his BBA. We talked about getting married the summer of 2011 shortly after graduation. Well, recently I decided I wanted to continue my eduation and get my PHD, however, no programs are offered in the city we live, closest is 300 miles away and most programs I am interested in are very far away. I have discussed this with BF already and he said he will support me in anything and only wants me to be happy and will move with me and find a job wherever we need to go. I feel though that his family might be upset with me moving him away and would probably prefer for us to wait. Also, BF doesn''t necessarily want to move away from our families and where we grew up but insists on doing anything and everything to make me happy. I know it might be easy for some people to say wait, but you LIW can hopefully understand how ready I am to be married now and how hard it is to wait even 2 more years. If we marry in 2011, we will have been together 6 years, if we wait until after my PHD, it will be 10-11 years. I don''t know if I could move that far away from my sweety. Do you think we should bite the bullet and get married when we want to? How should I handle this situation?
This is hard! I personally think you should get married when you want to, and the two of you will have to move =(.
 

FrekeChild

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 14, 2007
Messages
19,456
Hi! Welcome to Pricescope!!!

First of all, it really costs only around $100 if you just want to get married. If you want to have a wedding, it'll cost ya a lot more.

FI is currently getting his PhD. I don't know what program you're looking at, but the length of time it take to get any degree will vary a lot from program to program. He started two years ago and if he continues he will be finished in a couple of years with his dissertation. Now the thing here is that MANY of his fellow grad students are already married. I can think of 5 off the top of my head. There are others who are not interested in marriage, but might as well be married.

This is my opinion: if you want to get married, get married. If you want the ring, the dress and the wedding, then you should probably wait. I've been to some perfectly lovely weddings (Feb 29th, 2008) that have been put on for minimal amounts of money--she is a grad student and he's just out of school--that they wanted to get married, but have the party too, so they made it work.

There is a lovely PSer who recently got married in a drive up chapel in Vegas on 36 hours notice, even though they had planned to do the legal next month, and their "real" wedding is planned for next month in Mexico. They just wanted to be married right away, and being married also had the added bonus of cutting down on their bills.

I think you have a lot to consider. It just depends on your priorities.

Hopefully someone else will give you better advice.


BTW, I'm still getting my BA, FI is a PhD student, we're getting married next January in Vegas, and most of the time we hardly have two nickels to rub together.

ETA: There is *never* a perfect time, IMO. This has been proven time and time again...
 

Ashley21

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 11, 2008
Messages
59
Hello! Thanks for all the responses so far and thanks for the encouragement ...
adak: so true on not waiting for every little thing ... i think there''s a quote about life may pass you by as you''re too busy planning for it (or something like that)
rosebud10: i agree it will be hard to move away; we have been through alot and grown together through many circumstances and this will just have to be another thing to adjust to and support each other in
frekechild: wow, that makes me feel so much better that you and other people are married while spouse is in doctoral program ... i have some professors that say divorce rates for couples still in school is like 85% and that it''s too stressful to have a relationship during ... but when is life not stressful? If it''s not school, it will be a job, or a family situation.

My main dilemma is that I generally put others first and do not voice my wants and needs very often. So, i talked to my parents about this and of course they support me and want me to do it, but I''m trying to put myself in my BF''s mother''s shoes. She''s already giving her baby boy away in marriage, and then to move? I''m pretty sure we will stick with our plans, once we have enough for a ring and a small wedding, which is hard to save for while you are attending and paying for college. I guess I''m am just worried about ruining my relationship with my boyfriend''s family (since he currently works with his family on weekends and summer; family business)
 

FrekeChild

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 14, 2007
Messages
19,456
Date: 3/13/2009 2:36:12 AM
Author: Ashley21
frekechild: wow, that makes me feel so much better that you and other people are married while spouse is in doctoral program ... i have some professors that say divorce rates for couples still in school is like 85% and that it''s too stressful to have a relationship during ... but when is life not stressful? If it''s not school, it will be a job, or a family situation.

My main dilemma is that I generally put others first and do not voice my wants and needs very often. So, i talked to my parents about this and of course they support me and want me to do it, but I''m trying to put myself in my BF''s mother''s shoes. She''s already giving her baby boy away in marriage, and then to move? I''m pretty sure we will stick with our plans, once we have enough for a ring and a small wedding, which is hard to save for while you are attending and paying for college. I guess I''m am just worried about ruining my relationship with my boyfriend''s family (since he currently works with his family on weekends and summer; family business)
EXACTLY!!!!

FI actually freaked me out when he told me he wouldn''t propose until after his Comprehensive Exams--that are supposed to be this Spring or Summer because I "would stress him out". Thank goodness that was a diversionary tactic!

I don''t want to sound awful here, but sometime you''ve just got to be selfish. If you and he are going to make your own family (even just the two of you) then you''ll have to make those fun joint decisions, and present a unified front as a team so that everyone else involved knows that you both want the things you want. Does that make sense?

Do you and his family have a good relationship right now? If it''s his decision will she still think of you taking her son away from her? And does he want to go with you?

It sounds like you have a bit of an uphill battle, but that just means it will be that much more rewarding later!
 

Ashley21

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 11, 2008
Messages
59
Date: 3/13/2009 2:59:14 AM
Author: FrekeChild


Date: 3/13/2009 2:36:12 AM
Author: Ashley21
frekechild: wow, that makes me feel so much better that you and other people are married while spouse is in doctoral program ... i have some professors that say divorce rates for couples still in school is like 85% and that it''s too stressful to have a relationship during ... but when is life not stressful? If it''s not school, it will be a job, or a family situation.

My main dilemma is that I generally put others first and do not voice my wants and needs very often. So, i talked to my parents about this and of course they support me and want me to do it, but I''m trying to put myself in my BF''s mother''s shoes. She''s already giving her baby boy away in marriage, and then to move? I''m pretty sure we will stick with our plans, once we have enough for a ring and a small wedding, which is hard to save for while you are attending and paying for college. I guess I''m am just worried about ruining my relationship with my boyfriend''s family (since he currently works with his family on weekends and summer; family business)
EXACTLY!!!!

FI actually freaked me out when he told me he wouldn''t propose until after his Comprehensive Exams--that are supposed to be this Spring or Summer because I ''would stress him out''. Thank goodness that was a diversionary tactic!

I don''t want to sound awful here, but sometime you''ve just got to be selfish. If you and he are going to make your own family (even just the two of you) then you''ll have to make those fun joint decisions, and present a unified front as a team so that everyone else involved knows that you both want the things you want. Does that make sense?

Do you and his family have a good relationship right now? If it''s his decision will she still think of you taking her son away from her? And does he want to go with you?

It sounds like you have a bit of an uphill battle, but that just means it will be that much more rewarding later!

yes that makes sense; actually there''s already been a few times where my BF and i had to make a decision and supported each other on it even though other people didnt agree ... our opinions mattered most to each other.



I have a really good relationship with his family. I''ve gone on vacations with them and we''ve all had a few years to get to know each other
... BF is just, well, love''s his mom, and they have a close relationship and she is very attached (what mother wouldn''t be) but not smothering. He wants to go with me, he would not want to wait at all. It''s just scary for him to leave his friends and family and find a job in a new city where he doesnt know anyone. He''ll basically be responsible for supporting us financially. And I think his family might expect him to still work for them; he hasnt really mentioned working anywhere else. They are very entrepreneurial and i think he was looking forward to possibly starting something with his dad which would have to wait. I plan to move back to our home town though eventually; I don''t want to keep my future kids from their grandparents.
 

FrekeChild

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 14, 2007
Messages
19,456
Well it sounds like you guys have some decent communication going on, and that''s always good.
You also sound very committed to each other, and like you are willing to work together on everything.

Have you guys sat down and talked about this stuff together? Specifically, what you see happening in the future to make sure you''re on the same page?
 

jcarlylew

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 27, 2008
Messages
3,899
i think freke''s wisdom is spot on. my sister and husband married... and then moved to Korea. So, it happens, and while parents may get upset, you and your fi are starting a new life TOGETHER.
 

princessplease

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
Messages
5,497
I''m currently working on my M.A. and will be getting engaged in the near future. I also want to get my PhD, but like your situation, no programs are around here in my chosen field. I am so lucky to have found a man that supports my educational and personal decisions, and will support me in everything I do. We''re looking at late next year for our wedding (Sept or Oct) which will put me right smack dab almost at graduation!
If we waited like every person in my family said, then we wouldn''t be marrying until 2016 at the earliest!!!!!!! (I have 1.5 years left of my MA, then I''m figuring 5 for my PhD.) I wasn''t having that, lol! They are concerned with me finishing my education and obtaining my educational goals. I had to tell them many times that just because I''ll be engaged or married while in school only means I''ll have a fiance or a husband and nothing more.
I told all the naysayers this: I''m still in school, and being married won''t change that. It''d be sad if we had to move, but I''d be pursuing my dream of my PhD and have a wonderful and supportive spouse as well. You both need to do what''s best for you. If getting married after graduation is what you want to do, then do it. Negative people will always find reasons for deferring the wedding
 

KatM

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 24, 2007
Messages
218
i think normally people should wait to marry until after they''ve finished their schooling...however, it sounds like your situation might be a bit different because pursuing a phd is such a committment of time and money. While grants will get you some money, i can''t imagine finishing a phd without any other financial or emotional support. It also sounds like you wouldn''t just be waiting 5 more years to marry, they would be 5 years of long distance.

I think you and bf should do what you want, but were it me (and we were both emotionally ready) i would have a difficult time waiting an additional 5 years.
 

Ashley21

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 11, 2008
Messages
59
Thank you all for your wonderful advice. BF and I will enjoy our time together pre proposal and premarriage and face any opposition when the time comes. I''m so lucky i get to marry my best friend and everything will work out fine as long as we have each other''s love and support.
 

Dreamgirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 25, 2008
Messages
5,070
Well, with my situation...we are waiting until all that big stuff is finished. This way there would be no more worries when a marriage comes around as far as school goes. We are both done with school but FF MIGHT go back to get his Masters and if he does, that would probably delay a wedding for us. But the way I look at it, it's only 2 years and as I've gotten older...the years truly do fly by much quicker.

Your situation is a little different though. I think it comes down to how much longer you can actually wait and if it's worth waiting.
 

Octavia

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 28, 2007
Messages
2,660
A good friend of mine got married this past November, and her husband is about halfway through his PhD. They''d been together almost 7 years by that time, and they were ready to be married, so they didn''t let school stop them. And they''re very happy! The wedding wasn''t huge and fancy, but it was really nice, very "them," and didn''t cost a fortune (but I don''t think they''d have had an extravagant wedding even if it wasn''t for him still being in school).

I''m going to be in my final year of law school when FI and I get married, and even though it''s very different than a PhD program, my advice is to go for it if you want to be married. Like Freke said, there''s never a perfect time if you look at outside factors...so if you feel like the time is right for the two of you in your relationship, that''s all that really matters.
 

Brown.Eyed.Girl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 4, 2008
Messages
6,893
I''m going to echo many of the other posters and say, if you want to get married, get married. I think it''s fantastic that you and your BF are talking this through, and that he supports you! But you can''t decide how to live your life by what third parties (and this does include his parents) want, or would want. And on the flip side, yes, his mother might be disappointed that he''ll be living farther away, but on the other hand, I bet she''ll be thrilled that her son is getting married to a wonderful woman. So there are ups and downs, right?
 

Ashley21

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 11, 2008
Messages
59
Date: 3/13/2009 6:42:29 PM
Author: Brown.Eyed.Girl
I''m going to echo many of the other posters and say, if you want to get married, get married. I think it''s fantastic that you and your BF are talking this through, and that he supports you! But you can''t decide how to live your life by what third parties (and this does include his parents) want, or would want. And on the flip side, yes, his mother might be disappointed that he''ll be living farther away, but on the other hand, I bet she''ll be thrilled that her son is getting married to a wonderful woman. So there are ups and downs, right?
aww thanks. Yeah, it seems it will be bitter sweet. I''ll be excited about starting a new life with him, and he will be excited about new challenges and opportunities of a new city, but it will be sad for our families and us to be farther away. In the end I think everyone will be happy for us, and we''ll just have to make plans to visit home alot or have a place for them to stay so they can come see us. Does anyone live far away from both sets of families?
 

jjdav

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Nov 16, 2008
Messages
180
Hi Ashley21, I just wanted to offer you my support and add that you should get married when you both want to. I've seen situations where sometimes the momentum is lost when other things in life gets in the way. As for living away from our families, my parents live in Australia and FI's are in Chicago (we live in Southern California), it's not as hard as it sounds, both of our parents wants us to be happy so we just schedule time to call them, visit them or have them visit us
occasionally we meet in yet another place for vacations. IMHO if your BF's mother can see that you not only care for him but you're also caring for him, then she will be more assured you will have a good life together even if it's far away. It would be a little selfish of her to hold him back if this is what he wants and it makes him happy. I also found keeping them involved even in the mundane aspects of your life together makes the parents feel good. Best of luck!
 

HopeDream

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 14, 2009
Messages
2,146
Hi, big decision, huh?

This advice depends on if your eventual upcoming marriage will end up changing your name or not.

As an academic in training, I''ve noticed that Important portfolio peices such as a Master''s dissertation or a PHD Thesis, often go on one''s cv, and also on funding applications if you want to do further research, or if an employer wants your complete history.

It seems to help, especialy if other folks are going to be researching your past work, if you have the same "working name" on everything. Grad students I''ve worked with have kept their maiden names when marrying between masters and phd so all their work will continued to be found under one name.

If you are planning on continuing research or teaching after your PHD and you''re going change your name when you get married, you might want to get married quick so your new name is on your master''s work too.

You could always get maried on paper, and not have your wedding until you have the funds to party like you want to.

Cheers!

HD
 

diamondseeker2006

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 11, 2006
Messages
55,969
I totally agree that you two should get married as soon as you are ready! I can''t imagine putting school ahead of a relationship. And he is grown up and has to do what is right for you and him, and not his parents. Hopefully you can later move back to that area if that is where you want to settle down. But I don''t think his mother missing him should have one single thing to do with the decision! (And I AM a mother to kids your age!)
 

havernell

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 10, 2006
Messages
571
Date: 3/13/2009 3:18:33 AM
Author: Ashley21

I plan to move back to our home town though eventually; I don't want to keep my future kids from their grandparents.
I know this isn't your main question, but just wanted to add this to your list of things to consider:

Are you hoping to be a professor after you get your PhD? Because, as a professor, you rarely get to "pick" where you live- you basically have to go where you get a job. The academic job market is really tight and most PhDs count themselves lucky to get any job, period (especially in this economy). So, more than likely after your PhD you won't be able to move back to your hometown, and your boyfriend will have to follow you (again) to wherever you get a teaching job. So, if you go the Phd -> Professor route, just make sure that both you and your boyfriend know that you very well may never be able to move back close to your parents. I'm not saying this to scare you, but just to make you aware of the life of a professor. So, I would really think about what the two of you want (together) in the years following your PhD, because it can be hard for the spouse that is always "following" especially if he wanted to move back home but can't because of your job.

Also, wanted to say that I'm a PhD student and I'm getting married during my program, so you don't have to wait until your done. In fact, getting married while in the PhD program may be easier than getting married afterwards because then you're on the job tenure clock, which is another stressful time! So, could your boyfriend move to your PhD location with you, stay just boyfriend and girlfriend for a few years, and then get married after your coursework phase and during your dissertation phase (like year 3 or 4 of your program)?

Good luck with all of your big decisions!
 

musey

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 30, 2006
Messages
11,242
My general opinion is that if you have to ask the question, then you're not ready.

We waited until there wasn't really a question of whether it was 'time' or not. We both felt comfortable and ready.

That isn't to say that people can't get married when they're in school... quite the contrary, I believe people can/should get married even in the midst of all those outside complications, if it feels right to them. While some are not ready to get married during those life shifts, others are. It's all about what works for the two of you.
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
At some point you''re going to be faced with making the decisions based on what is best for you both as a couple, and not what is best for your extended families. When it concerns your educations, that a pretty good jump pad.
 

Ashley21

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 11, 2008
Messages
59
Thank you all for your opinions and advice.

To clarify, we have been ready and excited to get married for about a year now. Since our parents still partially support us financially, we cannot afford to take on all of our bills as a married couple (car insurance, health insurance, etc.), and therefore initially planned to wait until we saved enough to support us a month or two while we found jobs after undergrads.

I posted not because I had a question of whether or not I was ready, but just to find some support in a difficult situation. We discussed it and decided to support each other and move wherever necessary as a married couple; I just wanted to get some outside, nonbiased, opinions and support.

havernell: I do plan to go the professor route; there are many colleges and universities in my home town and I can only hope and pray for the best. Thank you for mentioning this. It is something I need to seriously consider and talk to BF about. It might be that I find a temporary job (Accounting is my field, so hopefully not too much trouble to find a job) as an accountant back home until a teaching opportunity comes up; or I might teach wherever I can find a job and keep a look out for anything available close to home. Either way, I need to support BF as well and understand that I need compromise in some situations such as what to do after I complete my PhD.
 

havernell

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 10, 2006
Messages
571
Date: 3/17/2009 11:04:58 PM
Author: Ashley21

havernell: I do plan to go the professor route; there are many colleges and universities in my home town and I can only hope and pray for the best. Thank you for mentioning this. It is something I need to seriously consider and talk to BF about. It might be that I find a temporary job (Accounting is my field, so hopefully not too much trouble to find a job) as an accountant back home until a teaching opportunity comes up; or I might teach wherever I can find a job and keep a look out for anything available close to home. Either way, I need to support BF as well and understand that I need compromise in some situations such as what to do after I complete my PhD.
Glad to hear that you are keeping all of this in mind and will discuss the life of a PhD with your boyfriend before the two of you make any decisions! I''d ask your current accounting professors how easy it is to return to academia if you take a professional accounting job right after your PhD (as you mentioned doing if there are no jobs in the colleges in your hometown when you first finish your PhD). In some fields, leaving academia is the "kiss of death"- it''s *much* harder to be hired for a tenure track position once you leave academia than if you are hired right out of a PhD program. I think it''s kind of ridiculous personally, but some people assume that if you''re working full time you can''t stay on top of the latest research and developments in the field and therefore, wouldn''t be an effective teacher. Of course, accounting may be different since it''s such an applied field (much more so than political science, which is my field). But still, I''d ask your current professors what they think about your plan and how easy it would be to return to academia if you left the academy for a time after your PhD.

I really do hope everything does work out for you and that you can find a professor job close to home! However, just remember that even if a job opens up close to home and you apply for it, there''s not guarantee you''d get it- they could offer it to someone else. So, if you decide to go the PhD route, you and your boyfriend both *need* to be okay with the prospect of never being able to move back home, or the prospect of you spending all that time to get a PhD but then working as a professional accountant, a job which (I assume, correct me if I''m wrong) you could do with only a BA or MA, in order to live in your hometown.

As I mentioned before, I''d think about moving to your PhD location together still as boyfriend and girlfriend (get separate apartments if need be), and waiting to get married until a few years into your program. That way, you can both see how your relationship fares when you are both away from your families due to your professional goals before you get married. It''s important for your boyfriend to test to see if he grows to resent being "taken away" from his family by your profession, because resentment is definitely not something you want in a marriage.

Again, good luck figuring everything out! It''s hard to balance your personal and professional life sometimes, and compromise is key for both partners!
 

swimmer

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 9, 2007
Messages
2,516
Havernell, you said exactly what I was going to say.

Ashley, I think getting married while in school is easier than when searching for a job, or seeking tenure. Having been in and out of academia and regular employment, academia means way more flexible time. Good luck with it all, its an interesting path.
 

swingirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 6, 2006
Messages
5,655
If you are old enough to be getting your MBA you certainly are mature enough to get married and plan a future for yourselves which can include going to school for several years away from your childhood home. Kids go away to college 3000 miles away. It seems your BF's family should understand going away from home for an education is pretty normal and often necessary especially when going after a PhD.

If your BF is ready to get engaged and married, where you live should be of only a minor concern as long as you both agree and are happy.
 

chiquitapet

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 17, 2007
Messages
3,185
Ashley, I have been in a similar situation to yours. When DH and I got married, I still had 3 years of university ahead of me and we have been together already for 4 years. He was from Canada, I was in Australia. Our marriage allowed him to finally move to Australia and be with me permanently, which was what we wanted all along - just to be together. Of course, his family wasn''t too thrilled about his move, but they supported us knowing that we were happiest when together.

He just left his life behind in Canada and I was a poor student. We had a small inexpensive wedding in the botanical gardens with our family and closest friends, but it was so beautiful in its simplicity and in what it meant for us. If all you want is to be with your man forever, I say go for it, marry him and become his wife. I know you`re worried about how others will feel about this. But the future is about you and him, in important decisions like these that affect you and your SO the most, you can''t always put others first. Hopefully your families understand how you feel about each other, and will support you in the end no matter which way you two decide.

I really like what adak said: If you wait for this or wait for that, you may always be waiting.
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!
    An Excellent K Color Graded Diamond
    An Excellent K Color Graded Diamond
    Astounding AVR
    Astounding AVR
    Cushion Cut- Three Ways
    Cushion Cut- Three Ways

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.
Top