Ok guys to go or not to go...

[btrflygrl23]

Ok long story short I DO NOT get along with FSIL. She lies, scams, and is two faced to the max. Never wished me when I got engaged, forced herself onto my facebook then heavily restricted me and lied about it, then restricted poor FI who had never done anything to her from seeing pics of his brand new nephew and lied about that, then removed me from facebook after like 50 e-mails back and forth as to why I didn''t have pics up (I just don''t, I worry about what I put on the net in terms of pics so I just don''t have any she NEVER believed that).

Anyway, my good friend L is having a 2nd b''day party for her little boy. I was at his 1st. I adore the little guy. FSIL was not at the first party. In fact L has told me more than once that she and her DH don''t think much of FSIL or FBIL and they don''t really hang out. But L''s BFF is VERY close with FSIL.

Fast forward, I see the evite for the 2nd b''day party and weird they have invited FSIL and she has accepted and is bringing her baby the one she keeps FI and I from bonding with.
Now I''m unsure whether I should attend or not
What do you guys think???

I''ll be honest too and tell you I have a temper and FSIL really knows how to push my buttons. On more than one occasion I have wanted so bad to tell her off but have held back. I really loathe seeing her. She literally does everything I hate and am irritated by. I am trying to actually work on my temper issues and I don''t want this to set me back. I am actually trying in the New Year to limited the time I spend with FSIL and FBIL. FI sees my frustration and is actually for my limiting my time with them.
I have never been able to talk to this woman. She is a real snake.
I don''t even have the time to tell you guys some of the crap she has pulled/said.

What should I do?
Thanks and sorry this is long

 

[fieryred33143]

I guess for me its very simple. This is not a birthday party for your FSIL''s child. It is a birthday party for your friend''s child.

Will it be uncomfortable? Sure. But you are an adult. Whether or not she pushes your buttons or you can''t stand the sight of her, I''m sure that you can go to the party and be there for your friend without having to resort to any type of arguments with the FSIL.

 

[tlh]

Go and support your friend. She doesnt like FSIL either. If FSIL pushes those buttons, go to your friend, say - my b!tch of a FSIL is at it again, and politely excuse yourself. It sucks to be "the bigger person" but someone has to do it. Just dont make a big deal of it... the attn should be on the kids anyway- so no one will notice if you have to duck out early. But by telling your friend who TOTALLY gets it - you aren''t being rude.

Best wishes... I hope your FSIL will do some internal evaluation and realise what a turd she is being and your sitation improves. Until then, grind those teeth, grin, and bear it. It is always the bigger fool that gets all the attn... and it is often NEGATIVE. Just don''t let that be you, and your anger button.

 

[purrfectpear]

Go if you can be adult and keep your mouth shut (you said you weren''t sure you could hold your temper). Remember it''s the child''s birthday party, not your opportunity to vent at your FSIL.

 

[decodelighted]

When did everyone''s real life start turning into episodes of "Real Housewives of Atlanta"?? Go to the party. Act like a grown up. Realize you can''t control how anyone else acts. Leave if you''re uncomfortable. Easy?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Yes, go to the party and as PP said, the party is for the kid, not an opportunity for you to stand up to your FSIL.

Just face the fact you''re going to spend the rest of your life dealing with that woman! Most of us have some relative or another that we do not get along with and the trick is to just ignore that person. If your FSIL pushes your buttons, then get up and go sit somewhere else. Always be standoffish, yet never attack her with your feelings as that''ll only make things worse. Never tell her anything personal and, for all''s sake, DO NOT engage in social forums like Facebook with her! How does someone force you to accept them as a friend on FB? If your FSIL is already a nasty woman, what more can she do to you by you ignoring her on FB? It''s not like having her be your "friend" will clear up the bad vibes between you two.

Best of luck to you. My post comes from experience and dealing with a relative who is literally my best friend one day and attacks and picks on me the next. AHHHH!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

First of all, get off facebook...even if your feelings are justified, the minute you bring a site like Facebook or Myspace into the issue, it becomes juvenile...and thats not just about you and your problem, but as a whole. I guess it's because real adults handle their real problems in the real world, not by punishing each other with blockings, and deletions on cyber-friends site. So, my point is ... Even if you're not guilty of the behavior, complaining about being "highly restricted" makes you seem like a willing party in this nonsense. If she's really at the maturity level where "blocking" someone is considered a reasonable punishment then you need to simply consider the source and move on with things...

As far as the birthday party is concerned...why did your close friend invite someone she knows you hate and never even bother to mention it to you? In my honest opinion of your situation, that just seems really messed up. It seems like nothing more than your friend setting the scene for a big bruhaha disgused as a birthday party.

Don't go. Send a lovely gift, and a nice card. And if your friend is feeling ballsy and confronts you, lay it out and play it straight that you feel uncomfortable in some of the company that she chose to invite. But by all means, don't go to a childs birthday party and get into a fight...

 

[AmberGretchen]

Ditto to the others. Go and figure out how to deal - its the child''s b-day party. If it helps, try to avoid her in the friendliest way possible. Also, I often find that "killing with kindness" works well with these witchy types.

 

[movie zombie]

go...but for only a short time to put in an appearance and take a gift. interact with the birthday child a bit and leave. then set up a date with the birthday child and go do something fun.

movie zombie

 

[KimberlyH]

Ditto perfect, italia, and deco...hey, that''s a thritto ditto. I digress, there''s no reason why you can''t go and act like the adult that you are. If she starts to act up, be the person, tell her it''s neither the time nor the place to address personal issues and leave if necessary.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/15/2009 1:58:13 PM
Author: decodelighted
When did everyone''s real life start turning into episodes of ''Real Housewives of Atlanta''?? Go to the party. Act like a grown up. Realize you can''t control how anyone else acts. Leave if you''re uncomfortable. Easy?

Well said!

 

[puffy]

i would say to go and act like an adult and be there for the child''s birthday, not for any other reason. you don''t get along with FSIL and no one is forcing you to. if anything, just try to avoid her just so you don''t say anything that you shouldn''t and start something at someone else''s party.

 

[btrflygrl23]

Hi everyone,
Thanks for the advice.
Just so you know I was never planning on having an argument with FSIL at a kid''s b''day. I would never dream of doing that. I am a grown up even if she isn''t.
I was just saying I guess given that I have a bit of a temper and if she started her crap up that I would have to sort of bottle my anger up and that may not be great for me in terms of just stress. I have actually been told my doctor to take it a bit easy lately not b/c of FSIL but b/c I am having a few health issues that are not helped by stress. That''s what I meant.

deco I don''t watch the real housewives of Atlanta or any of the other places so I had no idea this situation mimicked anything from the show sorry.
While I know this is drama I feel that I can'' help it. I honestly don''t do anything she really does enjoy starting things going with not just me but lots of people and then sitting back watching.
I am going to be the bigger person but I guess I just wanted some reassurance and advice from the PS community.
My mom also suggested what movie zombie did that I go be civil and keep my distance from her, see the little one, interact with him and some of my other friends and then politely make my excuses and leave and be done with it.

Italian you may have a point and yeah I was weirded out too when I saw that L had invited her it did surprise me. I am not super close with L and so who knows maybe she does have some hidden mean streak where she wants to see a show but I wouldn''t think she would do something at the expense of her little boy? Who knows it''s not like she is going to get a show I just wanted to get sort of a 2nd, 3rd opinion on the going or not going issue here and now I have and the consensus seems to be to attend and be polite but cool and see the guest of honor and then take my leave. And I am not on facebook to be a juvenile I only have a handful of friends and it''s because they are from out of town and that is how I keep in touch with them and I never restrict anyone or do any of that silly crap. I have don''t have any games up or pics, or a million boxes or anything just a basic profile with 25 or so friends. That is why I was shocked when she added me and yes I agree you want me to get off the whole issue even if I didn''t do anything to start the ball rolling.
I used the restricted thing as an example of how weird she is and petty she can be that''s all. And I actually didn''t know I was restricted it was a mutual friend that actually asked me oh did you see the pics of the new baby that FSIL put up last week and I said no I didnt see any and she was like oh I guess you have been restricted and then yeah I did check and I was. I am not on facebook much I''m on here much more honestly.


And I know I can''t control what other people do or how they act I guess I''m just so frustrated and puzzled and a bit sad that she is making all these problems. I didn''t want any trouble when I came into FI''s family just to get along and become part of a bigger family. I certainly didn''t want her to use her dislike of me to keep poor FI from his little nephew and it seems that has happend and we can''t change it. I guess I thought we''d just get along even if we weren''t each others cup of tea I know naive of me but now I guess I know better...

MC how did she force me to add her?? She found me and added me I just let it sit there b/c I really didn''t want to add her and finally I hit the ignore friend request. She immediately did it again and another time after that when I ignored it again.
After the third time she e-mailed me to demand why. I told her I''m not on all that much anyway, it isn''t a great way to get in touch with me and that while she is married to J and J is C''s brother she and I don''t really have that much in common so we probably should just leave it.
She e-mailed FI and sobbed to him that I was being mean to her she only wanted us to see pics of the baby da da da....
She told FBIL and had him call FI and ask why I was being rude and mean to poor FSIL...she told FI and FBIL mom that she was trying everything she could think of to bond with me and I was acting in this way, she''s the victim, I am mean, I am blah blah blah I finally caved from all the crap going on and it had already dragged for like a month by this time and added her then the nightmare got worse!!!!!

Anyway thanks to all who responded! I''ll keep you posted

And also just so you guys know even when I do try to avoid FSIL she is the kind of person that follows you into the bathroom and asks why don''t you like me? Why are you so mean? I am in your family I want the four of us to do things together? It is endless and if you think I haven''t tried to when confronted calmly explain the situation of why our relationship has issues and no I don''t think we should dwell just move on she gets emotional and brings everyone else and their uncle in to say I am persecuting her and it just gets worse from there.

 

[bee*]

I would definitely go to the party. Just ignore her and don''t let her make you feel uncomfortable.

 

[Diamond*Dana]

Date: 1/15/2009 5:44:56 PM
Author: bee*
I would definitely go to the party. Just ignore her and don''t let her make you feel uncomfortable.

I agree, I would go. Kill her with kindness if you must...that is what I would do!

 

[AdiS]

You have my sympathy - my SIL is also a snake (lol, really appropriate definition, BTW

) I understand your worries and your feelings. What I don''t understand is why are you taking it all so personally? How can you let it even affect your health? Please girl. Let the woman do her serpentine stuff and just ignore her. Yes, you wanted his relatives to love you, you wanted to love them and to be one big happy family. Well, sometimes it just doesn''t happen. Tell me about it. Once you''re past the point when your relationship with her is repairable, I say coldness is your key. She''s telling lies? Plotting? Trying to irritate you?

Is she even there? Act like you don''t see her. Act like she''s being just childish. That''s what I do. Usually my cold and slightly condescending manner is so humiliating to her that SIL either runs away or gets eerie quiet. Works for me either way.