Occupation: housewife?

[Imdanny]

I know this is overwhelmingly a group of women, so let me please ask a question that I'm curious about and please give me your candid answers!

When I was growing up, many married women considered themselves housewives and my mother was one. Later she got a part time job, and still later she went to work full time. She's still working and she'll be able to retire with a small pension in a few years.

I'm proud of my mother for doing this, and it was necessary for her to go to work when she did.

I wouldn't think less of her if she never went to work, even part time, and it used to upset me, although it's been many years and I'm not upset about it anymore, that it was necessary for her to do this. She also cleans two people's houses and often works overtime at her job. She works all the time, and I used to worry about her because of this, until I realized that it was her own life, her own decision, that nothing I thought was going to change the facts and circumstances, and I got used to the idea that she works as much as she does. Not that I don't think she should have gone to work- I just I would have been happy if she didn't have to.

My question is- in today's society, in today economy, are there women who want to be housewives, or is there a stigma against not working, even for women who are married and women who are married and have children?

I've asked this question of my friends and I usually get very diplomatic answers like, "People should do what's best for them" and Couples should do what's best for them" I agree with that but underneath those kinds of "socially correct" answers, I'd like to know how people feel about this subject.

Is it perfectly acceptable for a woman to want to be a housewife or do you think that women "should" contribute financially to households?

I actually think it is perfectly acceptable for a woman to want to be a housewife, but it seems to me that not many people think so.

I'd be curious to know what women here think about this (and what the men here think too). Thanks.

 

[Porridge]

In my opinion it is a perfectly acceptable, and is to be respected. To me, the feminist movement is all about equality and choice. This to me means doesn't mean that women - or men for that matter - have to go and achieve career success outside the home, rather that they can if they want to.

I don't think women or men "should" contribute financially, but I do think each person in a couple should make equal contributions. There are many contributions to be made; emotion, time, effort, money, housework, support etc.

I also think being a househusband is equally admirable.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I feel like few topics divide women like the SAHM topic.

I have a biased view because I work in the corporate world every day and there does seem to be a stigma against SAHMs in this environment. I have friends on both sides of the fence--some are SAHMs and some are working moms, but I'll admit that only one of my working moms friends works because she loves it and not because it's necessary. I am going to go on a limb and say that I think most women wish they had the CHOICE to stay home.

Not to sound like a broken record because everybody says it, but you really do just have to do what works for your family. If you took everybody's opinion into consideration, you'd never reach a decision.

 

[Circe]

Danny, *such* good timing - so glad you posted this! One of my favorite feminist sites, Jezebel, had a post titled "The Stigma of Being a Housewife" on Friday that's been annoying the poo out of my all weekend. Finally, a place to vent about it!

I think one of the things that makes America particularly dysfunctional when it comes to feminism is its attitude towards childcare. We get 12 weeks of unpaid leave, for the most part (some workplaces are more generous, but they're acting independently, and they're few and far between). After 12 weeks? You generally either have to go back to work, or go through a bizarre identity crisis in which you become someone completely different, as opposed to being, say, both a management consultant *and* a mother who is breastfeeding for the first year, and thus, staying with the kid.

One of the things that really got up my nose about the Jezebel piece was their use of Sweden as an example: they noted that pretty much no one in Sweden considered "housewife" a calling these days. Know why? You get 18 months of leave per child! And it's guaranteed to be divided between both parents in a two-parent household! So, for example, my wonderful brilliant SIL is going back to work after almost 4 years of leave now, after having had two kids. Did she ever stop being a PR specialist? Nope. The country just acknowledged that, yeah, she required that time, and built it into their legislation - in the NINETEEN SEVENTIES. No wonder they're better at the gender equality game than we are. Her having children doesn't affect her hireability, her income, or her status. Now her husband will be home for his share of the leave, and it won't be a stigma upon him, either. How the heck can *we* ever get rid of either the glass ceiling at work, or the "stigma" of being a housewife if there's no practical acknowledgment of the fact that, for most, it's a temporary state?

I think most women follow your mom's model, Danny: if they stay home for a few years, that doesn't mean they'll stay home forever, either for financial reasons, of simply because in a time when there are fewer women staying home, the social isolation is even worse than it was when Betty Friedan wrote The Feminine Mystique. But, nevertheless, like NEL says, it's such a huge divide, between women, and then between men and women. It drives me insane. I think if I ever take my husband's persistent advice and go into politics, proper maternity leave will be one of my primary platforms ....

P.S. - I realize I am using "housewife" almost interchangeably with "SAHM," but for the reasons listed above, that's something I'll stand by.

 

[lizzyann]

I also agree everyone needs to do what feels right for them and what is right for their household and family. I am currently a SAHM, but before my son was born I was a career girl. I was a buyer for some major retailers and worked many hours, traveled all over the place, been to Hong Kong etc. As much as I loved the paycheck, for me this career just wasn't something that I felt was going to be a job that could easily be a working mom job. With all the travel and late nights, I would hardly see my son. I feel privileged that I have the option to stay home and still live comfortably. My friend is due in October and really would like to stay at home but it doesn't work for them financially which makes me feel bad because I know she would love to. But I have another friend who chooses not to be a SAHM. She loves her job and they are very flexible with her hours. Her hubby is a house husband and he loves it! I agree with NE lady, that it would be great to have the OPTION to stay home or not. Then you can decide what works for you either way! I think all moms, working or not, support and contribute to their households in different ways, all equally as valuable.

 

[luv2sparkle]

New England Lady was so right when she said there are few topics that divide women as much as this one! I made the choice to be
a SAHM 20+ years ago for a few reasons. I didn't like someone else raising my children, the cost of daycare was prohibitive, my husband was gone for 24 hours at a time... I am glad I made that choice, it was right for me. At times I felt blessed to be able to do so, other times
I felt I was wasting my potential and the chance to 'do something' that seemed important in life.

Now, at the other end, my children almost grown, I wonder. What would have been different if I chose the other road? There are
many things I would have liked to do. I will not have the answers to those questions.

I worked in banking until I had three children. I was 27. My mom was a single mom and always worked. Husbands mom worked as
financial needs made it necessary. My children were glad to have me home.

Everyone has to make the decision that works for them. There are no 'right' choices. So many factors come into play.

 

[anchor31]

I live in an area where daycare is inexpensive so it makes more financial sense for most families (unless a parent is working at minimum wage) to put the child in daycare and have both parents working. We also have up to 12-months of government-sponsored parental leave (55%-70% of our salary is covered), so most moms go back to work when their LO is 11-12 months old and the choice is not as difficult to make. That's what seems to be the norm around here anyway, and I know very few SAHMs. Unfortunately, as much as it was the acceptable thing to do back in the day, now it seems to be considered as the "lazy" option... Anyone who says that clearly has no idea who much work it is to care for children 24 hours a day!

ETA: Women who are married but have no children and do not work is unheard of, except perhaps in the wealthiest circles (?). Also, as far as I know, women who choose to be and are able to be SAHMs go back to work when the children are in school.

 

[redfaerythinker]

I live in the South and it is still perfectly respectable to be a housewife or stay-at-home mom. I went to private school and it was more the norm for the mom's to stay at home than otherwise. I was one of the weird one's out because both of my parents worked full time. There was one girl in my high school whose mother said to her daughter that she didn't care if she came home with her BS as long as she came home with a MRS. I know it's always been a dream of mine to be a dunwoody housewife.

 

[princesss]

I think it's totally fine.

Look, we all have things we're good at and things we enjoy. I love working. I enjoy my job, and I'm very driven. While I personally can't see myself as a housewife, I have friends that get a lot more satisfaction in having the kind of home people enjoy visiting, with good food and a homey atmosphere than they do from working. What does it matter to me if a woman would prefer to stay home (other than that's one less woman for me to talk to in the workplace)?

 

[zoebartlett]

Danny, are you talking about stay at home moms or women who don't have kids and they don't work either?

Of course, everyone should do whatever works for them. I'm not a mom so I don't have experience with the stay at home mom debate. If I did have kids though, I think I'd still want to work. I'm a teacher, so although I'd be really busy during the school year, I would still have plenty of time to be home with my child(ren). I wouldn't judge others for their choices if they wanted to be a stay at home mom. As long as everyone is healthy, happy, and safe, that's all that matters. My mom stayed at home for years when my sister and I were little. She did eventually go back to school, get an MBA, and then went back to work, and it was a choice that my parents talked about often, I'm sure.

I only know a few people without children who don't work and they consider themselves to be housewives. To be honest, I've occasionally wondered how they spend their days. Are they fulfilled? Are they happy? Would they like to be out in the work force or is there some reason (medical, etc.) that they can't? Do they volunteer? I don't judge them for their choices, but those thoughts have crossed my mind at times. As I said, of course, everyone should do whatever works for them and their families, no matter how big or small they are.

 

[diamondbuggy]

I personally want to be a housewife. I think it's perfectly acceptable if your husband is earning enough so that you don't necessarily have to make a financial contribution. But I seem to be in the minority in this thinking because most people just do not understand why I choose to be at home. I think it's more acceptable to many people if the woman has children. Without children, people are usually shocked.

When I tell someone I'm not working I usually get this look: . It's infuriating. Why should I have to explain my choice. My SO understands how I feel and knows that when we get married I will probably stay at home (provided we are financially secure of course). I think every woman (or man) should make the choice that makes them happy. I've never been very ambitious career-wise. My interest has always been on getting married and having a family. I know I'll get far more satisfaction from doing all the homey things that I love. My mom was a housewife and I loved that she was around all the time when I was growing up.

 

[lyra]

It used to be fine here. Now, when I see a new doctor or some other professional where I need to comment on my employment status, and even though I'm 48, I get quizzical responses or looks when I say I'm unemployed. There is no box to check for SAHM or SAHM with grown children. So it is isolating and is not without some amount of guilt or shame I find. It wasn't that way to start with. It wasn't that way when we lived in a very affluent neighbourhood where most women stayed home with their kids. No one seems to care why I chose to be a SAHM (DH was gone 3-4 days every week since we were married, and up to 2 weeks at a time), childcare costs were high, I had a short amount of leave which was not sufficient for healing after a CS, etc. Occupation housewife does not give you respect these days, not from my experience.

My mom worked full time while I was growing up. She would work nights while my dad worked days for many years. Then they ran a business which was 24/7 and sucked the life out of them both eventually. I didn't question this growing up.

My two daughters will not be SAHMs. They will not be able to afford that luxury as far as I can see. I think my oldest daughter will be somewhat heartbroken like we all are the day we have to or choose to go back to work. It's really a tough decision, and I don't think any woman feels good about having to make that choice too early like so many must do because of inadequate leave situations.

 

[sctsbride09]

Im a housewife, no kids. Yes, I do feel that some people take it upon themselves to judge me because of this, but it doesnt bother me anymore. When I first became a housewife, the nasty comments (some from family even) my husband and I would get were really aggravating. People seem to think that if you stay at home and DONT have kids that you watch Oprah and eat bonbons all day. Hah, that couldnt be further from my life. I make all our food from scratch, which trust me is a chore but I do enjoy cooking very much, I take care of all our bills/errands/banking/investing, household chores except taking out garbage and mowing the lawn, laundry, care for our 2 furbabies, and anything else you can think of that runs a house.

I stopped caring about what people think a couple years ago. Our system of running our house doesnt have to work for anyone else, just for us. Financially we are more than able to live on my DHs income, so its not really anyone business how we choose to live our lives. Also, I dont judge other people on how they run their house what they feed themselves, yada yada. Can you tell this has been a touchy subject with me in the past, haha.

On a side note, one of my uncles is a stay at home husband, and it works just fine for him and his partner. His household is run very similar to the way we run ours. As long as the couple in the relationship is happy and financially comfortable, I dont see a problem. Im the happiest Ive ever been, never did I think I would be a housewife. In fact, I was the girl who made fun of housewives when I was a kid. How little I knew back then. Im sure there are plenty of housewives who are lazy and possibly deserve the stereotype, but there are quite a few of us who contribute highly to our households. Lack of a job and bringing in cash flow doesnt mean that you are not still contributing.

I guess what it boils down to is doing whats right for your family, I wouldnt be happy with alot of people out theres lives, but alot of people probably wouldnt want mine either.

 

[steph72276]

I think it is perfectly acceptable. In my position, for example, I would probably have to PAY to go back to work basically since I worked as a teacher. With daycare costs what they are, for 2 children it would cost several thousand a month and for a nanny even more. So everyone has to do what is best for the family, and staying at home works best for ours. Being at home, I actually see it as my "job" to save us money in the fact that now I cook most of our meals from scratch, make my own baby food, clean the house myself, do our own lawn, don't have to spend so much money on gas for a commute, spend less on dressy clothes for work, etc. Will I go back to work once my kids are in school full time? Absolutely, because I enjoy the interaction and bringing home a paycheck. But for the interim, this is what works best, and I don't feel like I or anyone else should be looked down upon for doing so.

ETA: When it comes down to it, people should look at their individual situation from all angles and make a decision, then stick with it because on either side of the issue, women will have people looking down on them for whichever choice they make...some women will think you're not putting the child first if you send them to daycare and go back to work, some will think you're slacking off if you don't work and stay at home. People just have to be confident that whatever choice they make is the best for their own family and what others think shouldn't be a factor in the decision.

 

[Haven]

I think it's wonderful when a woman (or a man, for that matter) wants to stay at home full-time to make a home for her family and to raise her children. I love my career, and I don't have kids yet so I'm not sure whether I'll continue to work or stay at home when I do, but I really can't imagine a more important job than raising your children and creating a safe, nurturing, and inspiring haven for your family.

I also think it's wonderful when both partners in a marriage have careers that they love and are driven to continue working because they get fulfillment out of their work.

I think it's sad when both partners work so much just to keep up with the joneses, that they give up quality time with their children and end up having a lot of stuff in their lives, but little relationship with their kids. I grew up in a suburb of Chicago that's full of middle class families who desperately want to appear to be better off than they are. Most of my friends came from homes where both parents worked very long hours, and I remember feeling sorry for them when their parents were never able to chaperone field trips in elementary school, or come visit for their birthday celebrations in class, or come watch their children playing sports or dancing or doing whatever activity they did when we were in high school. I'm not saying that all families with two working parents are like this, but it happens a lot where I'm from and that makes me sad. I understand when both parents have to work crazy hours just to get by, but the people I'm talking about were working crazy hours so they could buy new sports cars and afford to stay in their giant mcmansions. I know I'm being judgmental here, and I'm owning up to it. I saw how disappointed my friends were when it was my mom giving them a high five after the game rather than their own, and that really is heartbreaking. My sister had one friend whose parents consistently forgot to pick her up after the weekly girl scout meeting at my house, or worked too late to do it. Every Tuesday, that poor little girl would stay after the meeting for an hour or more and play games with my sister, all the while peeking out the front window for her mom's car. Every. Single. Week.

 

[rosetta]

I don't have a problem with others being housewives but it's not for me. I would find it intellectually stifling and I enjoy my work. Wouldn't mind doing a few less hours though.

 

[Shoopy]

There are judgments made on wives who stay home but do not have children just as there are judgments on mothers who work instead of staying hom.

Since having my daughter, I have learned to let things roll off my shoulders. Every time someone makes a comment about working mothers I either walk away or close the thread because it's not worth it to me anymore. I've made what I believe is the best decision for my family and there's no one that can tell me that my love for my daughter is less because of it.

Through this experience, I've also learned not to judge the decisions made by others.

 

[Clairitek]

I feel like few topics divide women like the SAHM topic.

I have a biased view because I work in the corporate world every day and there does seem to be a stigma against SAHMs in this environment. I have friends on both sides of the fence--some are SAHMs and some are working moms, but I'll admit that only one of my working moms friends works because she loves it and not because it's necessary. I am going to go on a limb and say that I think most women wish they had the CHOICE to stay home.

Not to sound like a broken record because everybody says it, but you really do just have to do what works for your family. If you took everybody's opinion into consideration, you'd never reach a decision.

You are a wise woman, NEL. I totally agree that most women would like to have the choice to stay home. I will freely admit that I used to judge women who choose to stay home (especially without kids or after they have finished a college degree) but now that I am older and have a bit more perspective I definitely do not pass judgement on those who choose so stay home, regardless of their parental status.

It is likely that I will he a SAHM at some point. I think that the choices DH and I make now will affect our ability to do that (i.e. not getting accustomed to such a lavish lifestyle that we can't pare down and live on his income alone).

 

[les12]

For me and my husband, family is the number one priority.

That does not necessarily translate to "moms should stay at home with their children." However, I believe that the decision to stay at home, or to work outside the home, should be directly related to the well-being of your family. In other words, if my family required additional income to provide necessities, I would work to provide those things, or my husband would take on more to do the same. If my family was comfortable financially, I would without a doubt be the one raising my children. This, to me, is the most beneficial option all-around. What better environment for a child to be raised than with his or her own parents?

What saddens me is when couples have children and then sort of pass them off to others so they don't have to bother with the challenges or inconveniences that may come with raising them primarily on their own. Also, similar to what Haven said, if someone thinks that both parents working extra hard to have an excess of money for their children instead of a relationship with them is more important, maybe their priorities need some re-arranging.

 

[Haven]

For me and my husband, family is the number one priority.

That does not necessarily translate to "moms should stay at home with their children." However, I believe that the decision to stay at home, or to work outside the home, should be directly related to the well-being of your family. In other words, if my family required additional income to provide necessities, I would work to provide those things, or my husband would take on more to do the same. If my family was comfortable financially, I would without a doubt be the one raising my children. This, to me, is the most beneficial option all-around. What better environment for a child to be raised than with his or her own parents?

What saddens me is when couples have children and then sort of pass them off to others so they don't have to bother with the challenges or inconveniences that may come with raising them primarily on their own. Also, similar to what Haven said, if someone thinks that both parents working extra hard to have an excess of money for their children instead of a relationship with them is more important, maybe their priorities need some re-arranging.

This is what I was really trying to say, but just couldn't articulate very well.
Well said, Les. I agree completely.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

I think being a stay at home dad is even harder than being a SAHM. A man who isn't "earning his family's bread" is seen as little more than a dead beat by many people and a father is still seen as second-best at child rearing. Some poor dads have even had to explain themselves to the police because they were watching their kids at the playground (because single man at a playground = predator )

 

[Sizzle]

I live in the mentality that if I can work in some capacity, I will. I cannot imagine EVER being a "housewife" or a "stay-at-home mom" . I like checks to come in MY NAME. I don't even want to be that woman who sneaks shopping past her husband or is afriand to tell him of my newest acquisition. I don't want anyone resenting me when costs go up or I want something that he may think is nonsense. I love my daughter (who is now 17) but I cannot imagine spending every waking moment with her. She's very independant, self sufficient and creative and I attribute part of that to her time spent in pre-school and day care. That being said, that's me. I don't judge OTHER people for making that THEIR lifes work. Whatever floats your boat, but its definately "not for me". I guess I most identifiy with Vicki from the Real Housewives of OC! Luv her!

 

[yssie]

If SAHM or SAHW means not-earning or earning a very little 'bonus' amount, rather than staying at home and running one's business, say...


Given how many times growing up my family would have been in the frying pan had my mum not chosen to work full-time in an area she didn't particularly care for, but that paid well, whilst my dad made a name for himself in an unpredictable field... I will never take that risk. There are so many people with updated resumes who are unable to get jobs they're overqualified for these days, and accidents and medical catastrophes do happen... I couldn't imagine being in a position where FI/DH was unable to work and I needed a well-paying job immediately, after being out of the work force for years. Well, in my field I wouldn't get a job, simple as that, as employers have neither time nor patience for life choices that make one a less eligible candidate.

 

[Haven]

Sizzle--It's interesting that you equate staying at home with having to justify your spending or sneak things past your husband because you don't have any of your "own" money. I think some couples probably handle it that way, but I imagine that there are SAHMs who are married to men who treat their money as "their" money, regardless of who earned it. Isn't it interesting how different couples handle things like this? Perhaps the women who are most satisfied staying at home are also married to men who view them as equals in the relationship, regardless of their income or lack thereof.

Haha to identifying with Vicki on Real Housewives. She was definitely a hard worker, and I respect her for that, but she so disdainful of people who didn't work that she came across as being arrogant (or overly proud?) at times, too, which you do not seem to be AT ALL.

Yssie--You make a good point about not being able to earn a living after years of being out of work. I guess that's why so many single income families are so careful to live within their means and save whatever they can. It's definitely a balancing act, that's for sure.

 

[Autumnovember]

It is not something that I would personally consider doing, but I would never ever try to tell someone that it is wrong and not acceptable. My reason for not wanting to be a stay at home wife is simple---I just wouldn't feel fulfilled. Some women feel fulfillment by being housewives, others do not. Everyone, including men, need to do what is right for their families. We all have different situations and different lives.

 

[lizzyann]

Sizzle--It's interesting that you equate staying at home with having to justify your spending or sneak things past your husband because you don't have any of your "own" money. I think some couples probably handle it that way, but I imagine that there are SAHMs who are married to men who treat their money as "their" money, regardless of who earned it. Isn't it interesting how different couples handle things like this? Perhaps the women who are most satisfied staying at home are also married to men who view them as equals in the relationship, regardless of their income or lack thereof.

Haha to identifying with Vicki on Real Housewives. She was definitely a hard worker, and I respect her for that, but she so disdainful of people who didn't work that she came across as being arrogant (or overly proud?) at times, too, which you do not seem to be AT ALL.

Yssie--You make a good point about not being able to earn a living after years of being out of work. I guess that's why so many single income families are so careful to live within their means and save whatever they can. It's definitely a balancing act, that's for sure.

Haven and Sizzle, yeah I actually laughed when Sizzle mentioned hiding purchases from my husband. He's actually the one that encourages me to buy stuff! I would never need to or feel like I had to hide purchases from him. We are equals and all of our possessions, savings, bills, investments, are "ours". We discuss major purchases before we each purchase something. When we bought our home, we made sure that we could afford it on one salary not because I planned on being a SAHM but because we knew that it was always going to be a possibility that one of us could lose our jobs along the way and I think we were smart by doing this as it allowed for me to be able to stay at home when the time came.

I do miss working but not for the work itself but more for the contact with others. I will most likely do something part time at some point but for now I keep busy with play groups, little ones library time, trips to the zoo, to grandmas, mommy and me swim class, etc. Plus I make time for myself by taking zumba weekly and having dinners with girlfriends monthly. Being a SAHM works for me, but I give working moms so much credit for their balancing act! I think I would be so overwhelmed if I had work in my daily mix.

 

[Autumnovember]

Sizzle--It's interesting that you equate staying at home with having to justify your spending or sneak things past your husband because you don't have any of your "own" money. I think some couples probably handle it that way, but I imagine that there are SAHMs who are married to men who treat their money as "their" money, regardless of who earned it. Isn't it interesting how different couples handle things like this? Perhaps the women who are most satisfied staying at home are also married to men who view them as equals in the relationship, regardless of their income or lack thereof.

Haha to identifying with Vicki on Real Housewives. She was definitely a hard worker, and I respect her for that, but she so disdainful of people who didn't work that she came across as being arrogant (or overly proud?) at times, too, which you do not seem to be AT ALL.

Yssie--You make a good point about not being able to earn a living after years of being out of work. I guess that's why so many single income families are so careful to live within their means and save whatever they can. It's definitely a balancing act, that's for sure.

Haven and Sizzle, yeah I actually laughed when Sizzle mentioned hiding purchases from my husband. He's actually the one that encourages me to buy stuff! I would never need to or feel like I had to hide purchases from him. We are equals and all of our possessions, savings, bills, investments, are "ours". We discuss major purchases before we each purchase something. When we bought our home, we made sure that we could afford it on one salary not because I planned on being a SAHM but because we knew that it was always going to be a possibility that one of us could lose our jobs along the way and I think we were smart by doing this as it allowed for me to be able to stay at home when the time came.

I do miss working but not for the work itself but more for the contact with others. I will most likely do something part time at some point but for now I keep busy with play groups, little ones library time, trips to the zoo, to grandmas, mommy and me swim class, etc. Plus I make time for myself by taking zumba weekly and having dinners with girlfriends monthly. Being a SAHM works for me, but I give working moms so much credit for their balancing act! I think I would be so overwhelmed if I had work in my daily mix.

Hmm...why laugh? I don't doubt for one minute that there are women out there who are housewives that have to hide the purchases they make from their husband. I don't think that is a silly thing to say or hypothesize. I also don't doubt for a minute that there are husbands who encourage their wives who are housewives to spend the money on what they want.

 

[JulieN]

Hmm, I see my bf's money as my money already.

Just because homemakers don't get paid, it doesn't mean that their work doesn't have a monetary value. People who run their own business pay themselves, but housewives don't.

I'll work because I think women should have some kind of marketable skills and be able to support their family if something tragic happens to her husband. But I'll admit that when I work, I don't have as much time or energy for homemaking as when I was in school. I cook from scratch and a 30-minute meal kind of life is not for me.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Sizzle--It's interesting that you equate staying at home with having to justify your spending or sneak things past your husband because you don't have any of your "own" money. I think some couples probably handle it that way, but I imagine that there are SAHMs who are married to men who treat their money as "their" money, regardless of who earned it. Isn't it interesting how different couples handle things like this? Perhaps the women who are most satisfied staying at home are also married to men who view them as equals in the relationship, regardless of their income or lack thereof.

Sizzle, I found this interesting as well--a friend and I were just discussing this last week. We have both been in long-term relationships (10+ years) with our husbands and have always pulled our financial weight, however we in our late 20's and neither of us has decided if we will be going back to work after starting a family. We were talking about the transition from being financially independent to being a SAHM and how to handle it emotionally. She was saying that she thinks it will be particularly hard for her, but not enough to warrant continuing to work if she doesn't think it's best for her family...she is pretty intent on trying to work from home if possible. It's not such an issue for me because DH and I planned our lives around me being a SAHM if I choose to, however if I do go that route, I will be setting aside a sum of money from my personal savings account just for gifts. That's one area where I don't want him to know about a "joint" purchase. Anyway, she admitted that she's been stashing money away for this very purpose as well--so that the things she buys him will be from her own personal account that she earned while working. Both of our husbands would be perfectly content on just having all gifts be "joint", but it's definitely a personal decision and we've found a way to make it work.

Yssie's statement about depending on one person for all bills hit home for me as well. This is definitely an issue for the SAHMs I know and also one of the reasons I really, really wanted to have our mortgage paid off before having kids (which is not going to happen). Financial security clearly one of the main factors in the decision.

 

[Autumnovember]

Hmm, I see my bf's money as my money already.